


Say something

by Akiko_chaan



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bear with me and my updates pls, Changkyun learns it for him, Chaptered, Drama, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, High School, Kihyun speaks in sign language, Kihyun turns up in chapter two, M/M, Muteness, Past Abuse, Past Violence, Romance, Sign Language, changki, kikyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-14 21:32:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 202,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_chaan/pseuds/Akiko_chaan
Summary: "I ... I just wanted to say", I stuttered, my lips dry, "that I really like it when you hold my hand. So, I mean, you don't have to apologize because I like it and you can hold, I mean, if you want to, maybe, you can really hold my hand whenever you want to."Kihyun doesn't speak.But for Changkyun, he doesn't need to to make him fall in love all over again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> Thank you for reading in advance. This is my first Monsta X fanfiction and I really hope you like it!  
> There could be graphic descriptions of violence in later chapters, so I'll eventually change that tag.
> 
> Playlist: Sleeping at Last - Heart / Patrick Watson - Je te laisserai des mots / Mansionair - Speak Easy / Keaton Henson - Small Hands / Wyatt - Attention / Rihanna - You Da One / AJR - Weak / Coldplay - The Scientist / Coldplay - Yellow / Bevy Maco - Summer Fever / Jaymes Young - Feel Something / Jaymes Young - Habits of my heart / Kodaline - All I Want / The Lumineers - Sleep On The Floor / The Lumineers - Patience / Joel Adams - Please don't go / Petit Biscuit - Alone / Petit Biscuit - Moi je - fais rien (Remix) / Zedd, Alessia Cara - Stay / MAX - Lights down low / Prelow - Mistakes like this / Tom Odell - Another Love / Lord Huron - The Night We Met / Bonjr - It's Okay, You're Okay / Dean Lewis - Waves (Acoustic) / The Walters - I Love You So / Moontides - 1966 / Max Jury - Numb / Lord Huron - Fool On Love / The Walters - Fancy Shoes / Daughter - Smother / Jaymes Young - Don't You Know / Cloud Tangle - Almost Close To You / Milky Chance - Cocoon / Milky Chance - Blossom / Milky Chance - Fairytale / Angus and Julia Stone - Get Home / Angus and Julia Stone - Wherever you are / Cœur De Pirate - Place de la République (Ash Remix) / The Eden Project - Circles / Two Feet - Love Is A Bitch / Mansionair - Easier / Jaymes Young - Infinity / Sleeping at Last - Homesick / Keaton Henson - If I'm To Die / Christina Perri - A Thousand Years / Band Of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyntIMFmD8Hk8UVh_rk38TP3f4GV9a2VF&disable_polymer=true

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

I bumped my fist on the table while laughing so loud everyone in the cafeteria turned around to look at us.  
But in comparison to me, Jooheon didn't seem so amused.

"This is unfair as hell!", he complained with the voice he always used when feeling disappointed. "I have to share my room that is as small as a storage room with this strange guy and you? You just sit here and laugh because you have a room for yourself!"

"Hm, guess I just have luck", I smirked and immediately got a smack on the back of my head.

"Spare me", Wonho's voice echoed behind me and a second later, he sat down on a chair next to me. Surprisingly, he didn't have a tray with food with him. Strange. In our little group of friends, he was the only one constantly hungry.

Instead of responding with something sarcastic, this thought reminded me of the only boy still missing.  
"Where is ---"

"Right here."  
I couldn't even finish my sentence before Hyungwon accompanied the seat opposite to Wonho and next to Jooheon.

"How do you know I was talking about you?", I asked with raised eyebrows and he shot me a grin.  
"I know you love me, Changkyun."  
"How can you be in such a good mood?", Wonho asked and rolled his eyes. "I want to die right now and here. Can someone please kill me?"

"Do you want to eat that?", Jooheon asked and pointed at the piece of meat and the mashed potatoes on his plate. "Pretty sure it's poisoned."  
I shot a glance at his food. Ugh. Disgusting.

We were sitting in the cafeteria of the boarding school we had been visiting the last three years - well, except for Hyungwon who had joined us two years ago. A dream that had come true, my three best friends and me living together in the same dorm and sharing everything - well, almost everything. Except our rooms.  
But to be honest, after three years it sometimes wasn't this great anymore.

I didn't expect having a room for myself this year, because the last three years I had been living in a room with Jooheon. And especially not after I had entered the room and seen two beds standing there like waiting for two poor students to sleep in them.

But everyone wanting to live here had to turn up this Saturday as after this weekend, the new - and luckily, my last - schoolyear would begin.  
I was horrible with the time but apparently it was already late noon because they had just stopped giving out lunch - whoever wants to eat lunch two hours before dinner, apparently Jooheon - what meant that my obviously non-excisting roomate hadn't turned up in time what meant - a room for myself!

That was the reason I was in a happier mood then my friends who didn't seem to have had the luck to get a room for themselves this year.

Especially Wonho looked like he was ready to kill and get killed at the same time. Which kind of confused me, because Hyungwon looked strangely happy and ... hadn't he told me they got a room together when we had met in the hallway an hour ago? Last year Wonho hadn't seemed so disappointed about living together with his best friend.

"So, you two share a room again?", I asked and Hyungwon nodded approvingly. Jooheon just sighed in a resigning manner and raped the potatoes with his chopsticks.  
"Wonho doesn't look too happy about it", I sneered and gave him the same smack I had received a few minutes ago.

"Oh, shut up." He ran his fingers through his blonde hair that had grown a bit longer over the vacation. "It's not only us two."

I raised my eyebrows. "What? A room for three?" It was the first time I even heard there was this possibility.  
Jooheon seemed to awake out of his trance hearing these words and stopped harming his poor food. "You have to share your room with another person?"

"Yeah", Wonho answered, not explaining further. Hyungwon didn't even notice that he seemed kind of annoyed and just went on telling us happily about their roommate.

"They told us a few new students just moved into the city and the dorm was even packed last year so there are some who have to share their room with two others. But he's really nice though. His name is Minhyuk. I don't know if you saw him in the hallways earlier, his hair is a little bit whiter than Wonho's and he's a tiny bit smaller than me ... he's from Busan."

Jooheon seemed - again - too frustrated to take part in the conversation - not to talk about Wonho -, so I nodded and Hyungwon carried on.  
"I think it'll be nice sharing a room with him. He likes the same music as me. Hey, Wonho, why didn't you talk to him?"

Wonho looked up through his bangs and then shot a glance to Jooheon who was still rather building a wall on his plate than actually eating the food.  
"I was hungry. Jooheon, you don't plan on eating that, do you?"

"I thought you just liked ramen."  
"Good point. Now give me your food if you don't like it."  
Jooheon passed him his tray and Wonho began to eat, making a weird face when taking the first bite but apparently getting used to the taste. Hyungwon just shrugged and stood up.

"I don't really feel like eating, I'll go up and help Minhyuk unpack his stuff. He'll need some showing around as this is his first year here."  
"He is a senior, too?"  
"Nope, junior. Two years to go."

With these words, he was gone. Out of our group of four, Hyungwon had always been the one to make new friends the easiest. In our freshman year, he had been the popular boy who everyone found likeable, but although there had been so many others he could have been friends with, he still decided to stay by our side, which was probably the reason why his popularity vanished soon. Which was probably one of the biggest reasons we were still as close as in those days.

And because of Jooheon, of course. He had always been the one arranging spontaneous adventures like once creeping into a so-called haunted, abandoned house and almost getting scared to death because Wonho fell through a hole in the floor.  
Yeah, good times.

But today he didn't seem too happy. At least he couldn't prevent a conversation anymore now that Wonho was eating his food.

"So, what's going on? Bad roommate? You've been sitting here before I came down and I don't even have someone to talk to."  
"Ugh", he sighed. "Maybe he's nice and all, but I'm just not used to sharing a room with a stranger. Why can't we both just share one like the last years?"

Actually, Jooheon was the same as me. Other than Hyungwon and Wonho, we both were single children what meant we weren't used to constantly having others around us, at least not as used to it as others.

That was also the reason why we had hoped to get a room together again. Since sharing a room was inevitable, it would have been better sharing it with someone you knew. And we had gotten used to each other's strange habits over the time.

Except it obviously wasn't inevitable.  
So I wasn't really in the position to complain. Sharing a room with a good friend - nice. Having a room for yourself - that's what you dream about at night.

"I bet you'll get used to it. How is he?", I asked and Jooheon answered: "Well, he seems friendly." He pointed behind me. "And he's actually standing there."

"Oh." I turned around and followed his sign. There weren't many people in the cafeteria because everyone seemed to be busy with their suitcases. Or they had already discovered how disgusting the food was. At least the "old inhabitants" like us knew there was no way to avoid the cafeteria if you didn't want to spend all your money on food from the convenience store down the street. You had to eat here sooner or later.

So there was only one boy standing in the doorframe and looking over the few people sitting at the tables until his glance fell on us. He had dark brown hair and was tall, athletic to be honest. Nonetheless, he somehow reminded me of a teddy bear.

As soon as he saw us, he waved quickly towards Jooheon who waved back and signaled him to come here.  
"His name is Hyunwoo", he told me before the latter arrived at our table. Yes, definitely teddy bear.

"Nice to meet you", he greeted me and bowed formally. I did it less formally, considering I was sitting, and responded: "Same. Hyunwoo, isn't it? Jooheon's roommate?"

"Yeah", he answered and turned to Jooheon, while his glance glid over Wonho who was still eating with his face over the plate. Being able to guess what he was thinking, I said: "That's Wonho, he is addicted to instant ramen and video games. He is pleased to meet you."

Hyunwoo's skeptical face caused me to laugh, which lead to the realization I hadn't even told him my own name yet.

"Oh, and I'm Changkyun", I added therefore and he shot me a smile before I asked: "So, you moved here? I'm just guessing because I've never seen you here before."

"Eh, yes. In the summer. I still have two years to go so my parents believed it would be a great idea to sent their son to a boarding school."  
"We'll have to show you around a bit." I smiled apologetically. "Incheon isn't exactly the greatest city but there are definitely a few spots you have to see."

"Yes, that's what my friend told me, too." He quickly nodded. "He was living here before but his parents sent him here to study more. I knew him because we met each other when my parents and me were on holiday here and chose a house to buy ...  
I don't think you know him yet. His name is Minhyuk."

"Wonhoe", I called him and laid my arm around his shoulders while I could hear Jooheon beginning to laugh. "Look who we are talking about."

"Huh?" He looked up, chopsticks still in his mouth. "Wha ...?"  
"Hi", Hyunwoo said, still feeling awkward. He seemed like a calm person, but I couldn't help feeling sorry for him to experience this mess.

"Hi", Wonho responded and looked at Jooheon. "Your roommate?"  
"I love how you're following our conversation", I commented and Jooheon nodded.

A silence developed that was luckily destroyed by Hyunwoo who turned around to Jooheon.  
"I was on my way to find out where the washing machines are. I thought maybe we could prevent our room from getting too dirty if you know what I mean, I'm kind of a neat person ..." Awkward smile.

"Thank god!", Jooheon exclaimed and raised his folded hands like he was praying. "I hate having laundry lying around on the floor! Should I show you where they are?"

"Yeah, of course, thanks."  
Jooheon stood up and raised his eyebrow at Wonho before waving at me. "See you at dinner."  
"Bye", Hyunwoo said and I waved back. "Bye."  
A smack on Wonho's shoulder. Because he didn't react, I took his hand and waved with it, saying in high-pitched voice: "Bye-bye."

As soon as Jooheon and Hyunwoo were gone, I sighed. "I bet he's going to avoid us from now on."  
Wonho looked at me through his bangs. "Who?"  
"The snowman that just rolled in and danced hip hop on the table behind us." I rolled my eyes. "Hyunwoo, who else?"

Wonho wasn't very talkactive today.  
"But I know who will avoid you if you keep on being like this. Minhyuk or how this guy is called, or even Hyungwon. Why are you even sitting here eating this horrible looking food? We both know we'll somehow have to eat it if we don't want to starve but it isn't even dinner and I saw the cookies in your bag when we came here this morning."

"I could ask you the same", he responded and finally laid down his chopsticks. I noticed he hadn't even eaten this much, he had just eaten terribly slowly.  
"I don't have a roommate, remember?"  
He sighed resigningly. "Can we swap please?"

"What is the problem?", I asked, becoming more serious. "I mean, you share a room with Hyungwon. He's your best friend. And Minhyuk can't be this bad if Hyungwon likes him."

"Yeah, sure", Wonho answered and made a weird face.  
"Oh!", I suddenly exclaimed and smirked. "You're afraid he'll become best friends with Minhyuk, don't you?"

"Oh, shut the hell up!", he said, clearly annoyed, maybe a bit less than he pretended to be, but still.  
"Just kidding", I tried to calm him down. "But if that's the reason, don't worry. Hyungwon likes you way too much", I laughed and he shot me a deadly glance, causing me to shut up.

"Maybe I should go talk to Minhyuk", he suddenly said and stood up without waiting for a comment. "See you later."  
With these words, he left the cafeteria and I was left as the only one, looking after him and wondering what was wrong. He really behaved strange today but maybe that was just my impression. Or he was really a bit jealous of Minhyuk.

After sitting there for a few seconds, I came to the conclusion that I should probably get out and do something rather than spending my whole day here.  
Each one of my friends was busy with their roommates. At least that was one thing I didn't have to worry about.

While standing up, taking the tray which Wonho had left behind, excuse me, Wonhoe, and bringing it back, I thought about the fact that I seemed to be the only one without a person to share my room with.

I mean, I had surely enjoyed living together with Jooheon. But on the other side, I thought it would be pretty nice to have some private space. I couldn't really understand why they hadn't just given me this Minhyuk as a roomate, but who was I to complain?

Better no roommate than some boy who would be incredibly awkward and not talking and just being ... weird. There were enough cases.

While I was still contemplating about how I was going to spend the next few hours considering it was noon around five p.m, I made my way out of the cafeteria and into the hallways.

Even though I didn't really want to admit it, I had missed this school. Maybe not the west building with the classrooms and the sports ground, but definitely the east building. I mean, it wasn't Harry Potter - which strangely everyone seemed to think about as soon as the term boarding school passed your lips -, but it was nice.  
It was pretty modern, not old or dilapidated.

"Good afternoon!", I greeted Mrs Kim as I passed her on the way to my room. She was kind of the secretary of the dorm. Hard to say how old she was because she looked incredibly young. I had never asked her and wasn't planning on doing so.

She was just doing some paper work and looked up as she heard my words.  
"Oh, Changkyun", she said and showed a warm smile which made her seem even friendlier. "Nice to see you again this year."

"I'm kind of sad it will be my last because then I won't have a reason to come here anymore", I laughed and noticed I had just said out loud what I had been thinking the last two months on vacation.

"Do you know what you want to do after school?", she asked, putting a few papers into a folder and placing it in the shelf behind her.

"Not yet", I answered. "Maybe after this year. Hopefully." She was still busy so I said: "Well then, I'll finish unpacking. See you later, Mrs Kim."

"Oh, Changkyun, wait!", she called out as I was about to leave and turned around again, ready to listen to her. She got away from the shelf and walked to the counter to talk to me. "It's about your ..."

She wasn't able to go on as her sentence was interrupted by the sound of the telephone ringing on her desk. Sighing, she shot me an apologetic glance and got to the troublemaker to answer the call. I waited patiently as I wanted to know what she wanted to tell me and on the other hand ... it was not like I had something better to do.

To my surprise, she looked up at me again while still being on the phone and said: "Changkyun, it's your mom."

_The hell?_ , was the first thought appearing in my mind as I quickly walked to her and took the phone she was handing me, pressing it against my ear. "Hello?"

"Changkyun?", I heard the voice of my mother on the other side of the line and quickly answered: "Yeah, it's me, what happened? Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes I am fine", she answered and my stiffened body relaxed a little. "Are you okay, though?"

"Mom, why are you calling?", I asked and couldn't prevent the annoyed tone in my voice. "And why are you even calling in the dorm, I have a mobile phone if you've forgotten."

"I ..." She sounded like she was searching for the right words. "You didn't answer your phone when I called so I was worried and just wanted to see if you're fine ..."

"Mom, I took a bus here and even wrote you a message when I arrived a few hours ago. Why can't you trust me for once?"

I just noticed how mean I sounded when it was already too late. My mom was silent, so I just quickly murmured "Sorry", before ending the call and giving Mrs Kim the phone back. She didn't even bother to ask what had just been going on; she knew it well enough because this wasn't the first time.

"See you later, Mrs Kim", I repeated and now made my way out for real, passing the reception and the sitting rooms in the continuing hallway until I got out in a hallway that was open on one side and showed a beautiful sight of the little garden they had planted, with a small fountain in the middle and a sea of flowers around it. It looked like it was soon going to rain, judging by the dark clouds decorating the sky like paint.

I took the stairs to my room on the third floor and searched a while in my back pockets for my key before being able to unlock my door.

The rooms in the dorm were all the same. Normally two beds which were standing on both sides of the room, with a big window between them, two little nightstands and also two desks with chairs and a little shelf above them. Between the desks, there was one big closet and opposite to the door, another door which led to the bathroom. At least every little room got its own bathroom, even if the space between toilet and shower was so small you could easily slip when leaving the shower and land in the toilet with your head first.

Not that it had happened to me before.

Feeling more comfortable with sleeping farer away from the door, I had put sheets on the second bed that was closer to the bathroom. Now, I tossed my keys on the desk and laid down on the matress, searching for my phone in my front pocket.

Like I expected, it was on silent mode. 4 missed calls from Mom. 1 new message from Jooheon, 3 new messages from Wonho, 2 new messages from Hyungwon, 1 new message from Unknown.

I deleted the notification about my Mom's calls and instead changed to my messages, reading them one after another.

_**AegyoKing: > I gave Hyunwoo your number, hope you don't mind. We have found the washing machines. Went back to the cafeteria, where are you??? <** _

_**> No problem. I am in my room, can we meet for dinner?  <** _

_**MarriedToRamen: > Sorry I wasn't this talkactive <** _

_**MarriedToRamen: > Minhyuk is actually really nice <** _

_**MarriedToRamen: > Still don't want to share a room with him tho can I live with you? <** _

_**> You're my Wonhoe but I'm still glad to be alone. And I don't think they'll change it if they put our room constellations like this from the beginning tbh  <** _

_**Hyungwwwaitasec: > Minhyuk said he wanted to show "Hyunwoo" - whoever that is - the city after dinner, I wanted to come with him. Wbu? <** _

_**Hyungwwwaitasec: > But I think I'll have to put Wonho in chains what is even up with him <** _

_**> Hyunwoo is Jooheon's roomate and Minhyuk's friend, yeah sure I don't have anything planned, we should enjoy this weekend until school on Monday ugh  <** _

_**> I'll just pretend you didn't ask me about Wonho bc I have literally no idea  <** _

_**Unknown: > Hey it's Hyunwoo. Jooheon gave me your number. <** _

_**> Hey there  <** _

_**> Any interesting ideas on how I should name your contact?  <** _

_**Unknown: > Uh ... I don't know <** _

_**/Unknown has been changed to TeddyBear/** _

I put my phone on loud just if someone would call me or text me back. Then I thought about my Mom - should I send her a message?

But next, I aggressivly shaked my head as if I was talking to somebody and let the phone fall on the bed, grabbing the hem of my shirt and lifting it over my head. Since I had a three hour ride with the bus this morning behind me, everything felt kind of sticky now. But I couldn't even open the closet to look for a new one before the loud sound of my phone ringing interrupted my actions - Hyungwon.

"Hey?", I asked as I held the screen against my ear, carrying on opening the closet with one hand. "What is up?"

"I texted you that we were going around the city, wasn't I?"

"Yeah, after dinner", I answered and managed to get one shirt out of the pile of cloth.

"Well, we ..." Hyungwon couldn't finish the sentence because next, Jooheon's voice could be heard. "Okay, before sleeping beauty talks too much: We'll go now because we've agreed that we should wait on giving Minhyuk and Hyunwoo the culture shock called cafeteria food. We're planning on going to that one restaurant next to the department store by the station ... you know what I mean? The one with the good Ramen? Minhyuk knows it and actually requested it."

Minhyuk requested it? A restaurant with Ramen? That got him points from Wonho for sure.

"Yeah, I'll come with you, sure", I answered. "Where are you now?"

"Outside", Jooheon responded and added: "Wait, where is your room? I mean, what number?"

"Same floor as last year. Room 324", I said.

"With sight to the street?" I said yes. "Okay, look out your window."

Not sure if I should trust Jooheon, I walked to the window and opened it, stepping on the tiny balcony leading outside. Looking down, I could actually see the five standing there and starring up to me.

Before I could say anything to Jooheon, Wonho laid his hands next to his mouth and began cheering, but had to stop because he was laughing too hard.

"You still have that habit of walking around without a shirt without even noticing it?", Jooheon asked laughing and I sighed. "Tell Wonho to shut up. And ... no. I'm older now, you know. I'm almost eighteen."

I stepped back from the balcony and closed the window again, trying to ignore the fact that I actually blushed a bit. "I'll be down in a second."

"Oh my god", Jooheon laughed and I could still hear Wonho in the background. "I know your strange habits but let's just be happy for a moment that you didn't get a roommate."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> Thank you in advance for reading! This chapter, Kihyun finally turns up ... but a bit unexpected?

"'Topless-boy' wears a T-shirt", Wonho said in a serious voice like he was a newscaster reading the top headliner of the day. "Will the world ... be safe from the inexplicable mystery?"

"Oh, shut up", I answered. Jooheon laughed and raised his arms to stretch while getting slower. When he was at my height, a little bit behind the others, he started walking faster again. I had my hands in the pockets of my trousers and shot him a glance out of the corner of my eye.

"What is up with Wonho?", he asked quietly while leaning over to me. "Is he behaving strange or is this just my impression?"

A slight grin appeared on my lips. I didn't want to whisper and if we had spoken in normal volume he would've heard us, so I just pointed with my index finger - first at Wonho on the left, then I signed to the right where Hyungwon and Minhyuk were walking next to each other, chatting, and drew an imaginary circle around them.

"You're bad at this", was Jooheon's only commentary. "Didn't you tell me you were taking sign language this year when we were texting?"

I nodded, thinking for a second and then laying my hand against my chest, pointing out with my pinky finger and thumb and bringing my hand down again.

"A normal yes would've been fine, you know?", Jooheon responded with a rolling of his eyes.  
"Hey!", I answered, playing sulky. "That's literally the only word I know in sign language, so let me have at least this one victory!"

"Uh, guys", Shownu suddenly asked. "Where are we going by the way?"  
"The ramen restaurant?", Jooheon answered, rather asking than actually giving a response. Wonho looked up and turned around to Jooheon and me.

"Shouldn't we have crossed the street two blocks ago?"

And that was the reason why we were now, twenty minutes later, standing under the canopy of a book shop in the middle of Incheon.

"The sky was dark when we started walking", Hyungwon said to nobody specific. "But I didn't expect it to rain so soon."

"Well", Jooheon said, "if we hadn't walked fifteen minutes in the wrong direction, we wouldn't have to wait here now."

"I was talking to you almost the whole time, I couldn't pay attention", Wonho quickly said, protesting against the uncertainly distributed guilt.

"Minhyuk and me were talking, too."  
"Hey, don't look at me, I've never even been here, this is my first day!"

"What?", I asked when everyone's glances laid on me. "I was thinking about home. We're all responsible for not going the right way. Who cares. I'm going to go in to read some books, I hope the rain will stop soon."

Without waiting for further reactions, I opened the entrance door of the shop and got inside. It was colder than outside because it was still summer what meant that every shop had the air conditioner on maximum. But the air wasn't as thick and accompanied by the smell of old books.

"Hey, wait for me", I heard a voice when I already wanted to turn around one shelf and looked behind me.  
"I really love bookshops", Minhyuk explained and we continued to walk together. "It reminds me of home. Normally I read a lot of books, but here ... oh look, here is one I've only read recently!"

"I'm surprised to see you without Hyungwon", I laughed and watched him as he read the description on the backside of the cover.  
"What?" He looked up surprised. Then, his lips changed into a bright smile. "Oh yeah, we talk a lot. I'm really happy to have him and Wonho as roommates, I was kind of anxious coming here to be honest."

"Why did you change here for your last two years of highschool?", I asked cautiously. The last years I had made the experience that the reason for being sent to a boarding school wasn't a comfortable topic for everyone.

But Minhyuk seemed to be different.  
"Oh, my parents are sending me here because of my grades", he answered. "I mean I have good grades at home but ... I get distracted a lot. At least that's what they ... thought." His smile vanished a little, but immediately came back even brighter than before. "But I'm not this far from home here, it's just half an hour per bus so it should be fine."

Maybe he actually wasn't this different from others. At least that's what I thought when I saw him concentrating on his book again, not daring to look up as he asked: "And you?"

"Oh, I'm kind of stuck here since ... forever I'd say", I laughed, taking out a random book that looked promising. "There is no real reason for me being here. I actually ... wanted it. My mom ..." I stopped, swallowing before carrying on. "She is a very caring mother."

"And your father?", Minhyuk asked and I put back the book, looking to my left where the others were standing, talking loudly about school books.

"Uh, we should go to the others", I quickly said and he looked up again. "They're looking for school books."

Minhyuk put his book back, too, before we went to the rest of our group. Wonho was talking with Shownu and Hyungwon about a book for Chinese literature and Jooheon signaled us to come as soon as he saw us.

"Hey, wouldn't this be a book for you?", he asked and handed me a rather thick and heavy one with a blue cover. "For our soon-to-be-specialist?"

" _Sign language for beginners_ ", Minhyuk read the title out loud and looked at me with a surprised look on his face. "You can express yourself in sign language?"

"He's a total beginner", Jooheon commented and I protested: "Hey, I'm not!"  
"Can you say something?" Minhyuk seemed interested in the topic. "Please?"  
"What?"  
"The most complicated you can do?"

Jooheon was already laughing his ass off when I did the same sign as before when I had been talking to him.  
"And ... what does it mean?", Minhyuk asked and I took the book out of his hands, feeling terribly embarrassed. "It means ... yes."

With two awkwardly laughing boys around me, everyone seemed to look at us. At least Minhyuk could catch his breath sooner than Jooheon.

"I always wanted to take classes in sign language", he admitted. "Maybe next year."  
"Why don't you do it this year?"  
"My timetable is packed, and even if it wouldn't be, the class is only available for seniors."

"Oh", I responded. "I didn't knew that. I just took the class because I needed more lessons per week and this was the one who seemed the most interesting out of all. I'm to bad at physics for astronomy and history class is the most boring thing ever."

"Even if it's just an additional class, you get grades, you know", Jooheon snickered. "Maybe you can just say 'yes, yes, yes' whenever you have an exam."

"You don't need to know anything in advance, idiot", I answered. "As far as I know, there aren't any deaf people in our school so why should I be the only beginner?"

"You should buy this", Minyhuk gave me an advice and I looked at the price tag.  
"Thirty-five thousand won", I read with raised eyebrows. "Okay - no."

Jooheon made fun of me for a few more minutes until we could finally leave the bookstore when the rain had stopped. Not wanting to be discriminated any further for not knowing a language I'd never used and I would never actually use, I walked next to Minhyuk who seemed pretty sympathetic to me after our little talk.

I felt like there was a bigger reason behind him coming here. Not only was the argument with the grades really stupid, because a boarding school is usually even more distracting for studying as long as you had friends here, but also his look told me. I knew this look too well.

But I wouldn't ask him, I mean, of course I wouldn't. It was none of my buisness. Avoiding his last question hadn't been a gentleman-act either. I just didn't want to think about it.

"Finally!", Wonho exclaimed as we walked around the corner, the department store on our right side and the restaurant next to it.

I was also really happy when we got in and sat down at a table because my stomach was hurting and I felt pretty exhausted after walking this much.

"I haven't eaten anything since this morning, so ... I'm going to take miso ramen with curry", Wonho stated. As soon as the waitress came, I ordered the same as him and the others ramen with kimchi as a sidedish.

"Is that waitress new here?", Jooheon asked me and I didn't get a chance to answer because he received a smack on his arm with a kitchen towel, almost jumping in surprise.

"Nice to hear that you remember me", a girly voice said and I looked behind me, seeing the waitress standing there. Looked like she hadn't been away far enough to miss his question.

"Seoyeon from your chemistry class last year", she explained, hands on her hips and eyebrows raised. "I even sat in front of you. You once spilled something in my hair. And I thought your bad memory only referred to formula."

"I'm sorry", he apologized and blushed a little, making me grin. Sometimes Jooheon was awkward around girls. "Please just tell me you don't remember my name so I feel better."

"Hm ...", she thought about it for a second. "Was it Joohyeon?"  
I almost choked on my own saliva while the table burst out laughing. People often mistaked his name like this but it was still funny.

"Just kidding, I know it's Jooheon", she added before placing the kitchen towel around her wrist and leaving to get our orders ready. Jooheon's relieved look vanished but now even he had to laugh a little bit.

"Nice to know there are also girls in the classes", Hyunwoo commented.  
"Didn't you know that?"  
"I did but I wasn't this sure if I was right because in the dorm there are only boys ... hey, don't look at me like that!", he defended himself. "I'm not planning on hitting on some girl."

I smiled a bit to myself. Maybe this year something exciting would finally happen - maybe some cute girl with long hair and a stunning smile would be sitting next to me ...

"Earth to Changkyun", a voice next to me said and I looked up as Seoyeon placed my dish in front of me. "Here you go."  
"You even know my name?"  
"Where am I?", she asked rather to herself. "In the club for members with a horrible memory? I was in your literature class last year. And the year before that."

"I'm sorry", I quickly apologized while a little voice in my head said: _And you're wondering while you haven't found a girlfriend yet?_

Seoyeon handed us our food and our drinks before vanishing into the kitchen again.

"I actually feel bad for not remembering her name", Jooheon said as we began eating.  
I took a sip of my drink and responded: "Look at it from the bright side - at least she won't forget you for this school year."

We continued talking about our classes - unfortunately I seemed to be the only one who had taken sign language - and what we would do tomorrow on Sunday. I had already informed Hyunwoo and Minhyuk about the unwritten rule that we would spend the morning sleeping until lunch because the first week would be pretty exhausting and tomorrow was the last day to actually get a few hours of extra sleep.

"I'm probably just going to sleep the whole day", Hyungwon announced.  
"I knew it", Wonho laughed and I remembered that he had actually done that last year. He was always sleepy.

We paid and got out of the restaurant, Wonho complaining how he was so full he couldn't even take one more step, and Jooheon murmuring something about being sad about not having had the chance to actually say goodbye to Seoyeon.

To our luck, even though it was already getting dark outside, the heavy clouds above our head had vanished. This time, we made our way home without having to walk twice as long. We stopped at the convenience store down the street from our dorm and got some sweets and drinks.

Around dinner, there now seemed to be more people walking around the hallways. I actually passed some students I knew and quickly greeted them, not being able to prevent feeling awkward.

I told the others goodnight and we all went to our rooms to do ... whatever. I felt like Wonho had gotten a bit closer to Minhyuk considering they had talked at the restaurant but he still seemed a bit down as he walked behind Hyungwon and Minhyuk. I didn't bother to ask myself why he was always building a wall around him when he was angry or sad, because I was exactly the same.

And then, when I had taken a shower and laid down on my bed, chocolate chips in one and my phone in the other hand, I realised that this whole year would be exactly the same.

Or that was at least my fear.  
I mean there were Hyunwoo and Minhyuk and a few other new ones and new classes and different experiences but somehow, everything seemed to be the same as the last three years.

And somehow, laying there and watching some dumb reality tv shows, I felt lonely.

\-----------------

The next morning, or should I rather say noon, I woke up to the dull light coming through the half-closed blinds in front of my window. They drew strange patterns on my closet and made me rub my eyes before rolling over and grabbing my phone from where I expected it to be.

Right, it was next to my pillow, like every night. Throwback to when my mom had always told me to get a hold of myself and turn it off at night. I tried it, I honestly did, but most of the time I just fell asleep over some videos on the internet.

The k-drama from last night was still on my screen when I unlocked it. I had a few new messages, but wasn't in the mood to answer them, so I just spent the next few minutes checking twitter and instagram. As long as I wouldn't go online and read them, no one would even know I was already awake.

But my comfortable scrolling, reading and part-time-liking was interrupted by Wonho's number on my screen, accompanied by that annoying noise I had set as my ringtone.

"Don't even try to pretend I woke you up", Wonho's voice warned me as soon as I picked up, knowing Wonho would have been too stubborn to give up trying to contact me even if I wouldn't have answered.

"Good morning for you, too, my dear friend", I responded sarcastically. "You know me too well, I was awake. What's up? Why are you even calling me this early?"

"It's three p.m, you idiot", he commented, but his voice immediately softened. "Can you, um ... come to the convenience store with me?"

"What? Now? But we just went there yesterday", I chuckled, but heard him sigh. "Why ...?"  
"Look, I just want to get out, okay? Please?" Now his voice was begging and even though I had just laughed a second ago, I immediately answered: "0 to 10?", what we always asked when we were about to get someone out of some uncomfortable situation.

"11."  
Seemed to be pretty serious.  
"Where do we meet?"  
"Front door?"  
"Give me five minutes."

I ended the call and grabbed my sheets to throw them off my body, rushing to the bathroom and proceeding to do everything necessary - brushing my teeth, washing my face with some cold water and running my fingers through my hair.

Throwing on some random shirt and short jeans I grabbed my keys and phone and was out in the hallway, taking the stairs down even though the air was still as thick and humid as yesterday.

"Thank god you're finally here", Wonho said when he saw me coming towards him, walking in my direction.  
"Missed me this much?", I laughed.

"Good morning, Mrs Kim", I greeted her when I passed the reception and she looked up. "Good morning, Changkyun. Or rather, noon."

"Oh, of course", I answered grinning apologetically. "I enjoyed my Sunday morning sleeping."  
"Oh, Changkyun", she called me when Wonho and me where already on our way getting out. He had his hand around my wrist and was practically dragging me outside.

"Yes?", I stopped and forced Wonho to wait, too.  
"I have to talk to you about something", she explained. "About your ro--"

"Oh, no", she was interrupted by Wonho who was staring at his phone. "They're coming down. Changkyun, we need to go. Like ... now. Sorry to be rude, Mrs Kim!"

He literally dragged me outside, I was just able to shout "sorry" to Mrs Kim who had a soft smile on her lips before we were running down the street. I didn't know what she wanted to talk about but probably it would just be about my mom again. I tried not to think about how embarrassing it was that she was always calling Mrs Kim when my phone was off or I was just ignoring her messages.

Wonho was still running so I just followed him for a while until he stopped in front of the convenience store. He already wanted to go in, but I laid my hands on his shoulders and held him back.

"Tell me, what's going on?", I asked, not being able to link his strange behaviour to a reason.  
"I ... nothing", Wonho answered, avoiding my glance and staring at the asphalt.

"An eleven? Nothing? Seriously?" I held up my wrist. "I have little marks of your fingernails in my skin, I think that's worth an explanation." Shaking my hurting hand, I murmured: "Aish, you own me an icecream."

"Okay, okay", he gave up and pouted. "It's about ... them."  
"Who? Spiderman and Tarzan?"  
"Gosh, Changkyun, sometimes I hate your sarcasm", he sighed, rolling his eyes, but then furrowed his eyebrows. "Hyungwon. Minhyuk."

"Oh, those two love birds", I responded, awkwardly stuffing the hem of my shirt into the waistband of my shorts, suddenly noticing how wrinkled they were. And maybe also a bit embarrassed about the topic.

"I ..." Wonho's voice seemed to break, so I interrupted him.  
"What is your problem with them? It's not just about Minhyuk being your roommate, isn't it?"

"It's ..." He clenched his fists and sighed. "Okay, I'm envious! I'm envious about how Hyungwon only seems to talk to him! He hasn't talked more than one sentence to me since we got into our room! And this morning they were watching a k-drama together and it felt so awful being ignored that I just wanted to get out."

"Hey", I tried to reassure him, my voice unsure because I was quite shocked that he actually told me the truth. "I'm sure Hyungwon is just happy he has found a new friend."

"Yeah, and now he can throw me away."  
"You can have more than one friend at once, Wonho. Maybe he's just excited about meeting someone new. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore."

I saw him bite his lip. "Are you sure?"  
"Of course", I laughed and gave him a calming pat on his shoulder. "You'll always be his best friend."

But instead of him smiling or calming down or getting happy again, his head dropped even lower, his bangs making it impossible to see his eyes. The only real reaction was his shaking voice that said: "I'm going to buy you icecream."

Without waiting for my answer, he just went into the convenience store. I could only follow him, confused what exactly I had done wrong. That was what he was afraid of, wasn't it? Him and Hyungwon not being best friends anymore?

God, this boy was even more confusing than myself. And I was pretty confusing.

He knew me well enough to know my favorite flavor, so he bought me chocolate icecream without any further question. I was waiting next to him at the exit and still thinking about his strange reaction, my glance gliding over the store and the shelves, landing on some magazines that were placed on a stack next to me.

I normally didn't read newspapers. I was more interested in reality tv shows or dramas than the newest horrible happenings in the world. You can only make money with bad things. Nobody cares about the good.

Confirming my impression, I looked through the first few. One headliner caught my attention, as beneath it, there was a big picture of some guy with his back to the camera, sitting in a courtroom. I didn't really care about the picture though.

_**Abuse accused father gets acquitted**_ was written on top of it in big, black hangul. _Article on page 3._

"Here", Wonho gave me the icecream. "What are you reading?"  
I threw the newspaper back on the stack.  
"Nothing."

\------------------

Wonho and me spent the rest of the day in the hallway between the reception and the stairs to the rooms, where one wall had been removed. We were sitting on the floor with our backs to the wall, looking out at the garden. It was raining a bit, a soft drizzle watering the plants.

"I'm sorry", Wonho apologized.  
"You don't have to be. It's not like I was planning on doing something today anyways."

He tapped with his fingers against his jeans. "How are you?"  
"What?"  
"Like ... how are you feeling?"  
"Oh ... great. I'm great."

"You're never talking about yourself. How were your holidays?"  
"Pretty boring", I admitted. "Because I'm always here there aren't many friends at home that are waiting for me so I just spent my time in my room. Yours?"

"Same. I was happy coming here again." He shot me a side glance. "Are you going home in autumn?"  
"Why are you asking?", I laughed. "School hasn't even started yet."  
"You never go home except for summer vacations."  
"Yeah, because it's boring."

Maybe Wonho realized that I didn't want to talk about home.  
"Hyungwon has written me five messages", he told me, staring at his phone. "He and Minhyuk went to the cinema."

"Didn't he plan on sleeping all day?"  
"He did. I guess Minhyuk is just a morning person and convinced him to go there."  
"You could have gone with them."  
"Nah. I'd rather eat icecream with you", he chuckled. "But maybe I should get going. They'll come back soon and I don't want to be the one waiting to shower."

"I still have to pack my things for tomorrow", I answered, following his motion to get up. Cleaning the back of my shorts from the dust, I said: "And don't let them get on your nerves. I mean, we both know I like my room and we're not allowed to change but ... if it gets worse, you can always spend a night in my room, okay?"

He smiled, this time not faked. "Thank you, Changkyun."

Back in my room, I took a shower and then packed my bag for school. I was happy about being here, but definitely not happy about studying, so a sigh escaped my lips as I put my notebook and a pencil case in my bagpack.

I definitely wasn't the dumbest person on earth, but maybe I was just too lazy for good grades. There had never been a subject that could've helped me in real life so I saw no purpose in studying more than what was necessary to pass.

Also, considering it was my last year, I should probably know what I wanted to do after school but well ... I didn't.

Placing my bag underneath the desk, I threw myself on my bed and closed my eyes, putting my earphones on and playing some music, doing what I was best at: daydreaming.

I honestly never knew what I was really dreaming about, it just came naturally to me. I thought about my room at home, about meeting someone who I could buy chocolate icecream because I seemed to be the only one liking it, about ice skating and a mountain of pillows.

It seemed that I had fallen asleep over my daydreams which had become real dreams, because the next time I opened my eyes, the room was almost completely dark and my earphones had fallen out of my ears.

The music was still playing quietly next to my head, so I turned around to grab my phone. And at that moment, I noticed that something wasn't right here.

Because someone was standing next to my bed.

I stared a second at the dark figure a few centimeters away from my face; before I came to the conclusion: You're perfectly awake. And someone probably wants to murder you.

"Aaaaah!", a scream escaped my throat as I grabbed the thing closest to me, which was my pillow, and threw it against the man standing next to my bed. In panic, I took my blanket and tried to hit him with it, which didn't seem to be the greatest idea - considering my body was connected to it.

The blanket didn't fly too far, instead I lost my balance and fell off my bed with my chest first, which even seemed to surprise the murderer because he wasn't able to get out of the way before I crashed against him and caused us both to fall on the floor, me on top of him.

At least I gathered my senses before he could lay his hands against my throat and choke me. Grabbing the lamp on the nightstand next to me, I waved it over my head and ---

And suddenly, the lamp went on and showed me who I was attacking.

It wasn't a murderer. It wasn't even a man. No, it was a boy, probably the same age as me, with messy brown hair and big, scared eyes, who was looking at me like I was about to kill him.

I let the lamp in my hand sink and stared at him.

"What the hell?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading and have a nice day, my lovelies!  
> In the next chapter, Kihyun and Changkyun finally have some interaction!  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> So Kihyun has finally turned up ... and met Changkyun very unexpected.  
> Thank you for reading in advance!

"What the hell?!"

I was sure the exclamation could be heard even in the farest corner of the cafeteria as I was still sitting over the boy who obviously had broken into my room.

The lamp was dangerously swinging over my head, as it was heavy like a pile of stones, but I didn't plan on letting it down any soon. It was the only weapon available at the moment, even if the boy beneath me didn't look as scary as I had imagined him to be.

"What ...", I began, still stiff because of the shock. "What the heck are you doing in my room?!"

It was obvious what he was trying to do - robbing me - but I still wanted to give him a chance to explain himself. The lamp seemed to get heavier in my hand, so I shifted a bit - noticing I was directly sitting on his waist. Even in the fear and anger, a small blush creeped up my cheeks.

"Hello?", I asked and stared at him. He was still looking at me, not saying anything. He wasn't even blinking, lips parted a bit and his messy bangs falling over his forehead. His features were sharp and I couldn't avoid thinking _he's attractive._

"Answer me!", I ordered. To be honest, it came out more like a question. I was still confused and half sleeping. Everything seemed so surreal - me sitting on top of a stranger in the middle of the night on the floor of my room.

But he didn't plan on answering me as I leaned over him further.  
"Answer me, you spoiled brat!"

Big, brown eyes and quick breath were the only response I received.  
I felt the strange urge to just keep sitting there and stare back, as my fear vanished with every second he was looking at me like this.

But instead, I propped myself on the floor and got up quickly, the lamp still in my hand. I grabbed the keys on my nightstand and walked to the door, always facing the boy who was still lying on the floor, not even planning to move. I noticed that he was wearing jeans and a green bomber jacket. Didn't look like he was living somewhere in the dorm. He had to be from outside. How the hell did he get through the entrance door?

"You stay here!", I was able to say before throwing the lamp on the bed, quickly passing the doorway, slamming the door close behind me and locking it. The key still in my hands, I just stood there for a few seconds, trying to control my breath.

When I arrived in the lobby, I immediately ran to Mrs Kim - who was already staring at me. Propping myself on the counter, I gasped: "There ... there is someone in my room! In the ... middle of the ... night!"

"Middle of the night? It's half past nine, Changkyun", she explained and my glance raised to the big clock on the wall.  
"Oh", I managed to say. "Yeah, but it's nighttime. It's dark. And somebody tried to rob me! Or murder me in my sleep! Please call the police, I locked him in my room, he should ..."

"Changkyun", she interrupted me, slightly smiling. "He's your new roommate."

"... definitely be arrested, I mean ... Wait. What did you just say?"  
"He's your new roommate."  
A moment of silence. "What?!"

"He is abnormally late for the schoolyear. I don't know why but it was accepted by the principal so he arrived here just now."  
"You're serious?", I asked, my voice trembling a bit. "Really? He's my roommate?"

"Yes, but you should know that he ..."  
"Thank you so much! I'm sorry!", I quickly apologized and began jogging towards the stairs again. "Good night!", I managed to yell.  
Maybe she wanted to tell me more about that strange guy but the only thing that was present in my head was: _I fucked up pretty badly._

I was actually a lot more anxious than expected once I unlocked the door again, so I bit down on my lip as I got inside my room once more. Automatically scanning my surroundings, I noticed a small figure sitting on the floor.

A wave of regret crashed over me as I grabbed for the lamp that was still lying on the blankets. He hadn't even dared to stand up and sit on one of the matresses. He seemed extremely scared and intimidated and I finally understood why - I had behaved like a murderer because I had thought he was one, when in reality, he seemed to be just an innocent boy wanting to say hi to his new roommate.

"I'm sorry", were the first words that actually left my mouth while I was hectically searching for more. There was so much I wanted to say yet I didn't seem to be able to pronounce any of it.

He raised his head, looking at me. I noticed how his facial expression calmed down a bit once he realized I wasn't planning on throwing the lamp in his face. Oh yeah, the lamp. It was still in my hand and made my palm tingle uncomfortably as if it was constantly reminding me of how unbelievably dumb I had behaved. I just wanted it to leave my skin so I made a few steps in the direction of the nightstand and placed it on there, letting myself fall onto the matress immediately after.

Now that the adrenaline was slowly leaving my body I just felt entirely exhaused and drained like a vampire had just sucked every drop of energy out of my body. I was still waiting for a response of the boy in front of me but he was carrying on looking at me. Maybe he was waiting for me to say more.

"Please don't sit on the floor. You make me feel like a horrible person", I told him and expected him to stand up but he didn't even move an inch. He didn't look like he was mad but apparently he was. Damn it.

"Okay, I'm a horrible person. Seriously. I shouldn't have screamed at you like that", I tried to explain myself. "I just didn't know I was getting a roommate. I thought I would have this room all for myself this year. And I certainly didn't expect someone standing next to my bed when I woke up."

I almost facepalmed myself. "Oh god, I bet this is what Mrs Kim wanted to tell me all this time. Stupid! I should've just let her explain. I wouldn't have attacked you with a lamp, you know?" My cheeks began to feel warm. "I don't ... normally grab my lamp and throw it in people's faces. Not if I don't hate them."

I wanted to add that there was no reason why I should hate him because I didn't even know his name, but I realized he already knew and that it would just sound stupid. And honestly, I didn't want to embarrass myself further considering my cheeks felt like lava. I had a talent for extremely awkward first encounters but this one seemed to top everything.

"What is your name?", I asked because I couldn't stand the pregnant silence that was laying over us like a blanket. I kept my eyes on the boy, waiting for a reply. He didn't even open his mouth. With every second passing, I felt worse. Had he really taken it that serious? I hadn't meant to hurt him in any way ... how should I have known he was my roommate?

Great way to start a friendship, Changkyun, I scolded myself mentally and gave up on trying to get something out of him. Would I refuse to have a conversation with somebody who had just tried to shove a lamp into my face ... probably.

I raised my head and shot him a small smile, trying to save what was still possible to be saved. It seemed like his eyebrows shifted one millimeter, but not enough to interprete it as an answer.

"I'm going to the bathroom", I told him, ignoring the fact that I had just showered before I had fallen asleep. My shirt was sticking to my chest like glue. Additionally, I just wanted to get out of this room or else I would die. His silence was way more deafening than a scream could've ever been.

I proceeded to stand up, not daring to look at him once more. In my head the worst scenario was already playing - him and me living together until the end of the schoolyear without exchanging a word. Just awkward, judging glances.

I would've normally asked him if he needed help with his luggage, but I wasn't sure if he wouldn't just throw the suitcase at me. Although, he didn't seem strong enough - or else he would've surely pushed me when I was sitting on him on the floor a few minutes ago, wouldn't he?

_Sitting on him on the floor_ , I thought and almost choked on my own saliva. _And I'm wondering why he is refusing to talk to me?_

I tried not to think too much about it. A quick cold shower would at least get my body clean from the sweat and me out of this situation.

I was almost in the bathroom and had already laid my hand on the doorknob when I felt something grabbing my back. Or rather the cloth of my grey tshirt on my back. It was just a light pull but I stopped and turned around.

The boy let his hand sink and I almost expected him to finally say something; he seemed to think about it for a moment and then he raised his hand and pointed with his index finger to himself. I was confused and waited for an explanation, but next, he brought his finger up to his lips and pointed at them and quickly shook his head.

I wanted to ask if he was pranking me or if I was just too dumb to understand it. Before I was able to, he hurried to point at himself again and this time moved his lips a bit before showing an X with both of his index fingers.

"You ...", I murmured, almost not realizing I was speaking. "... can't talk?"

I waited for him to shake his head or nod, but he just blankly stared at me. A few moments passed while I was still trying to understand what was going on. He didn't talk? He couldn't talk? But why didn't he just shake his head or ...

I swallowed. "You are ... you are deaf?"

Of course he just continued to stare at me with wide eyes. I felt a sudden rush of curiosity and quickly stepped beside him to reach into my backpack that was still lying on the floor where I had left it. Wrapping my fingers around the desired object, I pulled out my notebook and proceeded to take out a pen. When I finally had everything, I flipped the notebook open and hectically scribbled my message on the first page.

_**Hey. I'm sorry for what just happened. I didn't know you were my roommate. I'm Changkyun. What is your name?** _

I feared that my handwriting was to sloppy for him to be able to read it, but I still laid down the pen and handed him the notebook, waiting for him to read it. When he did, I almost thought I could see a small rise of the corners of his lips, but I wasn't sure. He took the pen and laid the book down on the desk to write.

When he handed me the book a few seconds later, it read:

_**Hi. Don't worry. I'm Kihyun :)** _

I shot him a smile, trying not to show how relieved I was that he hadn't been talking to me not because he couldn't stand me, but because he wasn't able to. The next moment, I felt bad - I shouldn't be happy about someone else being deaf.

_**Should I help you with your luggage?** _

I asked, as I was more or less sure there wasn't any danger now that he would actually throw the suitcase into my face. To be fair, I maybe deserved it.

He smiled a bit and walked to the door, opening it and walking outside. I decided his answer was a yes and almost tripped over his bag when I followed him. I hadn't even noticed the luggage outside the door before. I'd probably been just way too anxious to even care about the hallway.

He had less luggage than I had had every year. It was like he didn't even plan on staying a whole year - or like he had been in a real hurry to get his stuff in a suitcase. The same reason as for why he was too late for the schoolyear?

I had always been too curious for my own good so I made a mental note to ask him later.

We proceeded to unpack his stuff. For me being a stranger and a proved possible danger, he surprisingly seemed to trust me enough to help him hang up his tshirts and jeans. He had a lot less clothing than me. When we were done, only half of his side of the closet was full. Maybe someone would bring him more bags tomorrow or something?

I slipped on his bed sheets while he was organizing his desk. Communicating worked a lot better than I had expected. I just pointed at things and he gave me a thumbs up or the other way around. I was too lazy to keep on writing every word down, so we had silently agreed on this type of exchange.

I didn't know anyone who was deaf so I didn't really know how to treat him. Every time I wanted to ask something, my mouth closed itself in the same second, constantly forgetting he wouldn't be able to hear me. Normally, I would've played music while helping him, but thinking about how I would be the only one hearing it, I decided to change my habits. It seemed kind of rude to me although it wouldn't really be hurting him.

It still felt like I was in a dream. Two hours before, I had been sure to have a room for myself, just to wake up to a deaf stranger I couldn't even yell at.

I could already hear Jooheon's and the others' laugh when I would tell them I ended up having to share my room. They wouldn't laugh at the fact he was deaf because they were friendly people, but silently, everyone would think what a pain it would be for me.

I looked at Kihyun's back while he was putting up his books. He seemed to be nice, maybe we would even become friends considering he wasn't judging me like I would've deserved it. There wasn't really any disadvantage, was it? Of course, communication would be a lot harder but I would be able to talk over the phone without someone hearing it. And him not hearing or talking didn't mean we wouldn't have fun. I thought about the lonely feeling that had creeped up my spine yesterday and suddenly almost felt a bit happy about him moving in here. Maybe I wouldn't spend all my days sleeping and watching videos like I had secretly feared it.

When Kihyun turned around and almost catched me staring at him, I quickly went on with the bed sheets.

After we were done, I splashed some water on my face and decided against a second shower as I now didn't have a situation to escape anymore; my shirt had dried itself and a sudden exhaustion began to sink down on me as we had finally placed his suitcase next to mine on the top of the closet.

I turned around and observed the room - the other half which had been horribly empty and white until now had become colourful, with Kihyun's blue sheets and the row of paperbacks he had placed on his desk. Seemed like he liked to read. I definitely had to find a way to communicate faster than writing down something on a piece of paper if I didn't want to live together with a total stranger.

A light tap on my shoulder woke me up and I looked at Kihyun. He had taken off his jacket and I saw he was wearing a white tshirt underneath. He pointed his index finger at himself and then at the bathroom, tilting his head like he was asking a question. Somehow it looked adorable. I nodded, swallowing hard to avoid blushing.

After he had disappeared in the bathroom, I laid down on my own bed again, grabbing my phone and unlocking it. My clock showed me it was almost eleven p.m. by now. I had planned to go to bed at midnight as I liked staying up, so I was good. I was always tired at school, whether I went to bed at six or at eleven, so who cared?

I opened my messages, a bit of weight falling of my chest when I noticed I had no missed calls or texts from mom. A guilty feeling spread in my body, but I decided to ignore it. At least Kihyun wouldn't have to listen to my conversations with my mother if he would happen to be there.

_**MarriedtoRamen: < What ep are u on? >** _

I really hoped Wonho wasn't just asking about the kdrama I was currently watching because he wanted to stuff earphones inside his ears and ignore Hyungwon and Minhyuk.

_**< 12th.  >** _

I thought about telling him about Kihyun. I could still hear the water running in the bathroom. Although he would probably make a bit fun of me, I wanted to talk about it. I felt like my mouth was dry even though I hadn't spoken a word in the last two hours.

_**< You won't believe what happened to me  >** _

I closed the chat and opened the one with Hyunwoo. He had sent me a contact file not long ago.

_**TeddyBear: < This is Minhyuk's contact. I thought maybe you wanted his number. Although you'll get it soon enough in the group chat he is about to open >** _

_**< Thank youu  >** _

I had to laugh when I saw what chat Minhyuk had opened.

_**/+82178566245** has opened a new groupchat/** _

_**/Adorable boys of Incheon/** _

_**AegyoKing: < What kind of betrayal is this?? Pffff >** _

_**/AegyoKing has changed groupname to: Hottest boys of Incheon/** _

_**MarriedToRamen: < I think now Minhyuk has to remove you from this group Jooheonnie :( >** _

_**Hyungwwwaitasec: < How about something truthful >** _

_**/Hyungwwwaitasec has changed groupname to: we're all screwed tomorrow/** _

I laughed once again, typing:

_**> Minhyuk, any ideas on how I should name your contact?  >** _

I didn't have to wait too long.

_**+82178566245**: < Why? O.O >** _

_**< I like to give people a chance before they have to live with it forever  >** _

_**+82178566245**: < Oh, okay. Can you name me sunshine? :D >** _

_**< Almost  >** _

_**/+82178566245** has been saved as Minshine/** _

_**Minshine: < oooh now you're making me worried :(( >** _

I wanted to tell him he didn't have to because I normally wasn't so rude to name people something horrible, but I was interrupted by the loud, annoying sound of my ringtone. A new screen popped up on my display, showing Wonho's contact and the still pretty amusing picture of him that I have saved which seemed like a century ago.

"Hello?", I answered my phone and almost couldn't understand Wonho's answer: "Hey."

"Are you eating something or why is it so hard for me to understand you?", I asked knowingly and heard how he tried to swallow quickly. "No, I'm not. I mean, not right now. Maybe a few seconds ago." We both laughed.

"So, what is there interesting you want to tell me?"

I could hear the sounds of his bag of crisps or whatever he was eating through the phone like he was sitting right beside me. I decided to go with the fastest and most painless version. "I got a roommate."

Painless for me but apparently not for him because he sounded like he had choked on his food. He coughed and stopped and then coughed again.

"What?", he finally managed to say after a while but still sounded horrible. "What have you just said?"

"Are you even still alive?", I laughed and turned my head to the side as I heard the bathroom door open. Kihyun was walking out, dressed in sweartpants and a different tshirt, his hair still wet. He just quietly raised his hand and laid down his clothes over his chair before he grabbed his phone from the desk and walked to his bed.

"Of course I am alive", I heard him laugh and then he asked: "So are you serious? Did you really get a roommate?"

"Yeah, why should I lie?", I responded and looked at Kihyun who got under his covers and lied down on his back, the light of his phone display illuminating his face in a dimmed room with just the - traumatic - lamps next to our bed on.

"He's actually right beside me", I proceeded to tell him and observed Kihyun's face. Of course he wasn't showing any reaction. How should he?

"Damn it", Wonho sighed, "now I can't ask you like I normally would."

"The inquiry thing you have going on? Oh, just do it" I paused for a second, breathing out. "He doesn't hear me."

"What, he doesn't hear you?"

"No." I asked myself if I should add an extra explanation but decided not to. I didn't want to explain anything when I didn't know it myself. Knowing Wonho, he would have a ton of questions.

"Okay, so ... what the hell? How an he be your roommate? It's already Sunday!"

"I know. Mrs Kim told me the principal somehow accepted it, I don't know why. I was confused at first, too. You should have seen me ... I was on the verge of throwing a damn lamp at his face!"

Wonho snickered at the other end of the line. "I can definitely imagine that. God, Jooheon will be cracking up. Why are you always so embarrassing?"

"I don't know, I hate it, too, trust me." I sighed. "But I think he kind of forgave me that misunderstanding."

"So, how is he? Worthy to become our friend?"

I laughed. "Oh my god. No, he's really nice considering I almost killed him. I think we ...", I looked over at him. He seemed to be scrolling on his phone. "we could definitely become friends."

"You kind of have to if you don't want this year to be embarrassing, you know?", Wonho chuckled. "And, other than that? Did you already discover some of his dark personality traits?"

"Dark ... what? What the hell, Wonhoe? No, no, he's nice, like I just told you. He's kind of cute."

Wonho screamed louder than it was healthy for my ears. I held the phone a bit away from my head. "Ooooh, Changkyun, getting on with it on the first day!"

"Just shut up. You know me. I'm just stating the facts, you asked me. You're cute, too, my little Wonhoe."

"Ewwww!", he exlaimed. "Okay, that's absolutely disgusting. I give up."

"You'll meet him tomorrow. Do you come to my room like always?"

"Sure. Maybe Hyungwon will turn up, too."

"How's it going with these two?"

"Better. We watched an episode of this one kdrama together. And Hyungwon told me he is in my social study class so ... yeah. I think I just take things too serious."

"Glad that everything's okay now."

I wanted to ask him something else, but I heard another voice talking to him, so I kept quiet. When the voice disappeared, Wonho said: "Hyungwon asked me to watch the 13th episode now. I have to go. See you tomorrow!"

"Bye, and don't you dare spoiler me at breakfast!"

I ended the call and stretched myself a bit, my glance falling on Kihyun, who was still typing on his phone. When I jumped a bit around on my matress to get under the blanket, he seemed to notice I was no longer talking over the phone. I was already asking myself if I should just stand up and get paper and a pen when he silently turned to his right and placed his phone on my blanket.

I looked up in surprise and saw an empty contact profile on the screen. Getting what he was trying to say, I nodded and began to type in my data. Giving it back to him, it only took a few seconds until a message popped up on my screen.

_**+82382477495**: < Hi there. >** _

_**/+82382477495** has been saved as Kihyun/** _

_**< Hey, nice idea with the phone. I was already contemplating on getting paper and pen ... I'm dumb.  >** _

_**< No you're not :)  >** _

_**< Can I ask you a few things? Don't take this the wrong way, I just think we should get to know each other a bit better  >** _

I also turned to the side so my head was resting on my pillow and I was able to look at Kihyun who was typing.

_**< Sure. Just ask everything you want to know :)  >** _

_**< Okay haha :D how old are you?  >** _

_**< 18, you?  >** _

_**< Same for me. Birthday?  >** _

_**< 22nd november, you?  >** _

_**< I have to call you hyung :( 26th january  >** _

_**< hahaha you don't really have to, don't worry  >** _

_**< So, you like reading? I'm just judging by the books on your desk  >** _

I noticed how his glance fell on his desk, then he smiled in my direction.

_**< I love reading. What do you like to do?  >** _

_**< I'm a lonely potato, always watching kdramas and stuff  >** _

I thought about it for a moment before sending it. A strange feeling in my stomach told me to change my message. Somehow I didn't want him to think of me badly.

_**< Always watching kdramas and stuff :D  >** _

_**< I like kdramas, too! Maybe we can watch one tomorrow? After school?  >** _

_**< Sure! Oh god school pls don't remember me I'm going to die  >.< >** _

_**< Is it this bad? Don't make me afraid!  >** _

_**< The teachers are okay, the class is depending on the subject  >** _

Suddenly I remembered something and internally smiled.

_**< You know what? I'm taking sign language class this year! Do you know sign language?  >** _

_**< Yeah I do :)  >** _

_**< Cool, maybe we can talk in sign language then!  >** _

I waited for a reply, but it didn't come. Irritated, I looked over to him. Maybe he was sleeping? But instead, he was just looking at his phone, a smile decorating his lips.  
My phone received another message.

_**< Thank you. I mean, seriously. Thank you. Not everyone is this understanding. I'm sorry I don't talk.  >** _

_**< No problem. It's not like you are responsible for it.  >** _

My glance slowly wandered over my screen to his face maybe two meters away. His smile seemed to disappear a little although I didn't know why. Maybe it just hadn't been such a good idea to talk about his disability.

_**< I think I'll go to bed now. This whole day has been really exhausting so far.  >** _

I still kind of wanted to ask him why he was so late for moving in and a hundred questions more that were caused by my incurable curiosity, but I decided to fight against this bad trait of mine. This wouldn't be the only time I would talk to him. We were roommates now so there would be plenty possibilities to ask him.

_**< Good night ^^  >** _

_**< Good night :)  >** _

I saw how he turned off his phone and waved his hand at me, still smiling but not as bright as before. I waved back, thinking it should feel strange not to talk to him but only after a few hours, it didn't feel like anything out of the norm anymore.

We turned off our lights and I changed to lying on my back, looking up at the ceiling. It had been a few months since I had slept with someone in the same room, so I wasn't used to hearing breathing anymore. But Kihyun seemed to sleep so soon that his breath was almost inaudible to me.

I had thought I had a big advantage when I came here to find out I had a room for myself. I had thought living alone would be easier. But in comparison to yesterday, I felt warmer knowing there was someone else next to me. It must have felt the same with Jooheon, I thought, because I couldn't really remember. Jooheon had always been my friend and Kihyun was still just kind of a stranger. Maybe that's why I thought it felt different.

Of course, living with someone who wasn't talking would maybe be a challenge sometimes. But we would manage it, I mean, we were two grown-up boys. And he couldn't change it, so why should I feel uncomfortable around it?

Somehow my dreams this night were about sign language classes and how I learned to talk with just my hands and how I messed everything up but Kihyun still understood me and about how Kihyun's voice would sound if he talked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!  
> If Changkyun will ever know what Kihyun's voice sounds like?  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> This chapter Changkyun makes an important discovery ...  
> Thank you for reading in advance!

I had thought midnight would be the right time to go to bed in order to be responsive and receptive the next morning, but my mood proved otherwise when I woke up the next morning to loud knocking on my door. Everything was dull and cloudy like I was still dreaming while I tried to remember the events that had taken place yesterday to find out where I was and who was the idiot that was banging on the door like he planned on knocking it down.

But the first thing that caught my eyes when I opened them wasn't the ceiling or an empty bed as I had expected, but rather a certain brown-haired boy that had his blanket up to his nose and whose lashes where fluttering unconsciously. His phone was laying next to his head and made me finally remember our late night conversation as his name appeared in my head once more. I was thinking about how his eyes were twitching in response to the loud noise until I recalled that he wasn't even able to hear it.

For a moment I wished to possess the tempting silence, too, but then I shaked my head like I somehow always did although there was no one I was talking to and tried to get out of my bed to scold the Godzilla in front of our door before he could destroy it.

The light that was sliding through the half-closed blinds wasn't enough to illuminate Kihyun's bag that was next to the end of his bed, so I almost tripped over it and could hold onto the chair in the last moment, avoiding falling onto the floor and probably breaking one or two limbs. I had never understood how one person could possibly be this clumsy, but I was the best example that there had to be a reason - even if I hadn't discovered it yet.

Opening the door, I quickly ran my fingers through my hair, remembering that I was probably looking like Frankenstein. But I came to the conclusion my looks weren't as important as expected when I saw Wonho standing in the hallway. He would laugh at me no matter how I was looking. Advantage of having friends.

"Morning", I murmured and yawned, holding a hand in front of my mouth. I had always thought of my mouth as a very private part of my body. I hated going to the dentist. So I wasn't exactly keen on showing someone my teeth, even if I didn't have to be ashamed about them.

"Don't tell me you've just stood up", Wonho laughed and I looked at him - he was already dressed in his uniform and seemed ready to go to breakfast. Was he just early or were we too late? A sudden fear shot through my body. Being late on the first day of the new schoolyear wouldn't make the best impression and I also didn't want to spend the next few hours in the principal's office.

"Don't tell me I've overslept", I almost begged and a grin appeared on Wonho's face that scared me only further, until he finally explained: "Don't worry, stupid. Because we're three now in our room we have to stand up earlier to get ready. Additionally, I thought waking you up to remind you that you'll also need more time than you maybe thought in the beginning considering you have a roommate now would be a nice thing to do."

The held breath left my body as I relaxed a bit. I wasn't really durable or tough in the morning. You probably could've showed up with a car selling ice cream and kidnapped me because I was still half asleep. "Thank you. I honestly don't even know if I've set my alarm. Okay, that's really embarrassing."

"I guess it was kind of stressful yesterday?" Wonho raised one eyebrow so that it almost disappeared under his dyed bangs. "I haven't yet had the chance to tell Hyungwon that you're now in the possession of, like you said, a cute roommate, but I think he would definitely agree on the fact that it's hilarious you practically almost killed a stranger with a lamp." He laughed. "God, I'm tearing up again."

"Oh trust me, it's not this funny when you're actually involved" I sighed. "I mean, we're good now, but I thought I would just die out of guilt and embarrassment." I didn't even want to think about it once more. Preferably, I would've just erased that memory out my mind if it had been possible.

"So ...", Wonho suddenly whispered. "Is he in there right now?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, he spontanously decided to take a trip to the moon. Of course he is in there."

"Shhh!", Wonho aggressively hushed in response and I flinched. "He's going to wake up if you speak so loud! Idiot. I don't want him to hear that we talk about him, that would be kind of embarrassing."

A lump began to form in my chest. I tried to swallow and cleared my throat. "I ... you don't have to worry about that. He won't ... hear you."

Wonho looked confused. "You said the same thing yesterday. How would he ---"

"He's deaf."

For one of the first times in my life, I actually experienced Wonho shutting up for a moment. His eyes became bigger and then he responded: "Oh."

We stood there for a few awkward seconds. I wasn't sure what to say because I had the same feeling like yesterday when I had wanted to listen to music but had decided not to. It was this strange, clingly feeling my chest that told me it would be kind of rude to talk about him like this just because he wouldn't be able to notice.

"You can ask him about it at the breakfast table. We're meeting there, right?", I therefore asked. Wonho seemed to awake out of his trance and quickly nodded. "Yeah, I'm going back to get Hyungwon and Minhyuk. I think Jooheon and Hyunwoo will turn up, too. In half an hour in the cafeteria?"

"Sure", I answered and we both nodded once more before Wonho turned away and I closed the door, leaning against it a bit. Wonho getting so serious about this topic had actually suprised me. Noticing I was kind of worrying how the others would accept Kihyun, I almost laughed out loud. What a stupid thought. They were all nice and why was I even worrying about him like this?

Maybe because he somehow looked like a puppy, I thought when I turned my head in his direction and saw him lying there like a few minutes ago, one with his blanket. Maybe he had this gene that made you want to protect him and tuck him in. Maybe I was just being ridiculous. Maybe I was thinking about him like this because he wasn't talking and had this puppy-like eyes. But most likely, I was just sleepy and out of my mind.

I decided to wake him up. I didn't know yet if he was someone who liked mornings and would literally jump out of his bed, or if he was rather like me and would be sighing and turning around and around in order to be left alone. Sighing excluded. If the latter was the case, he would at least have some minutes to properly wake up until I was done in the bathroom.

I went to the window and began to open the blinds, noticing how his lashes fluttered the same way as before. As soon as the room was wrapped in warm sunlight, I sat down next to him on the bed and said: "Kihyun? Kihyun, wake -"

The realization made me stop immediately. There was no way me calling his name was going to wake him up. Should I just -? My glance fell on his face that was now illuminated by the morning light. The thought of how someone could have such smooth skin passed my head. Then, I just decided to lay my hands carefully on his shoulders and to shake him slowly to get him out of his slumber.

His eyes began to twitch once more as I softly shaked him, before he finally opened them. He stared at me one moment, maybe thinking about who I was or what I was doing next to him. Then, the trace of a smile appeared on his lips and he nodded. I needed a moment to look away from his eyes because the term puppy seemed to be more prominent in my mind than before.

I was thinking about getting my phone or something, but decided to take the easier route. Pointing at myself and the bathroom door and then giving him a thumbs up and a questioning glance seemed to work, too. He nodded once more, stretching himself, and that was when I noticed my hand was still on his shoulder. A blush I couldn't quite explain began to spread on my cheeks and I quickly stood up and made my way to the bathroom. And I was asking myself why he was staring at me? By now, he surely thought about me as a psychopath.

I tried to calm myself down with a cold shower. Actually, I didn't have a choice because the water wasn't yet heated and I didn't have the time to wait. As the drops glid over the skin of my back and my arms and left wet streaks, I pressed the soap against my chest. Maybe I was just too nervous around him because I was still embarrassed and didn't quite know how to deal with his disability.

When the water gradually became warmer, I turned the shower off so Kihyun would be able to shower with hot water and got out of the shower. Because it was still warm outside, I threw on my school uniform for the summer and hurried to brush my teeth. When I came out of the bathroom, Kihyun had already made his bed and was packing his bag for school.

While he was showering, I plopped down on my bed and tried to get a hold of my thoughts. I was kind of overwhelmed with everything, or at least that's what I told myself, considering I felt kind of strange. A normal school day would at least be one step towards the normality of everyday life.

Talking about everyday life, I hadn't even asked Kihyun if he wanted to eat breakfast with the others and me. Maybe he was already convinced we would all be kind of crazy judging by me, or maybe he wanted to buy something at the convenience store? Did he even know there was one? I didn't even know if his family was living here or if he came from farer away.

Getting even more nervous, I decided to just ask him. I had been lying on my bed for a few minutes now and the sound of the water running in the shower had stopped a while ago so it would be fine to go ask him, right? Before I could discuss this with myself any further, I stood up and walked to the bathroom door, knocking on it before opening it a little gap wide, peaking inside.

Only someone like me could be this dumb and forget Kihyun wouldn't hear the knocking like every five seconds. Sadly, this only occured to me as I was already staring at Kihyun from behind. Fortunately, he had already put on shirt and trousers of his uniform and was just about to stuff the hem of his shirt into his trousers, so I couldn't really see any skin but still ... But the worst thing was, even though I had just stared at him for one second, I immediately felt the blood rushing into my cheeks as they began to burn. Forgetting my question, I slammed the door closed and prayed he wouldn't have noticed. I let myself fall down on my bed once more and hid my face in my pillow. Only seconds later, I heard the bathroom door opening behind me but only asked myself loudly because for once in my life I remembered he wouldn't hear me: "Why am I even blushing?"

It was a very strange morning with some very strange feelings that I tried to explain with the fact that I was only nervous because I didn't know him this good yet. Not good enough to see him dressing even though I hadn't even seen any skin at all. I should really be more careful, or else he would not only think of me as a psychopath, but also as a perverted psychopath.

Maybe I should get this printed on a tshirt.

\----------------------

It turned out Kihyun had no problem eating breakfast with us. He actually seemed kind of relieved to be invited to eat with my friends and me. I could still remember my first day here three years ago. I had been anxious even though I already knew Jooheon and the others. Kihyun didn't know anybody except for me, and me just because I was his roommate, so I didn't even dare to imagine how he was feeling right now.

Because I wasn't exactly the most creative person on this planet, especially not when it came to unofficial sign language, we were texting while going to the cafeteria. I almost managed to fall down the stairs and Kihyun already had his hand next to my arm in order to catch me if I would've really lost my balance. I somehow thought it was really cute.

I jokingly warned him about the cafeteria food and told him about the convenience store down the street if he ever needed something, but added that he should just tell me because I normally went their at least twice a day so we could go together or I could bring him what he needed. Only after the text was send, I thought about whether I was too pushy, but I was just trying to be nice. To my relief, he seemed more grateful than annoyed.

I took the chance and asked him where he came from, if he lived in Incheon or if he came from farer away. He responded that he lived in the outskirts, approximately an hour away from the school. Just the same as me, I answered, but didn't go any further because I was afraid he would ask me about my family.

When we arrived in the cafeteria, my worries shifted. Everyone was already seated around the table that had somehow became our table in the last three years. Had Wonho told them about Kihyun? I didn't know if I wished he had done it or if I feared it.

"Hey guys", I said when we reached the others. They looked up. Jooheon was sitting next to Hyunwoo and Minhyuk, on the opposite site Hyungwon was eating his breakfast and Wonho was on his phone. Everyone except for Wonho seemed quite surprised and I noticed how their looks fell behind me. Kihyun hadn't stepped next to me but was instead standing behind me, I noticed, what somehow made me feel strange.

"Hey", Jooheon responded and looked back at me, silently asking me a question he obviously didn't want to say out loud. I decided to just make this quick. "I know you all want to ask who this is, so ..." I took a step to the side so Kihyun wasn't hidden behind me anymore. "This is Kihyun. He is my roommate. I really thought I would'nt have one, but he was just really late for moving in."

I saw Kihyun putting on a smile out of the corner of my eye. The others returned it and Minhyuk, who was sitting the closest to us, waved. "Hey. Nice to meet you."

"I bet he's pleased to meet you, too", I responded and Minhyuk's glance shifted to me. "Uhm, he can't actually hear you. He also doesn't talk."

Minhyuk's smile fell. "Oh. Really? Oh god. I'm sorry." He quickly hid his face behind his hands. "I didn't mean to be rude."

Before I could respond, Kihyun had taken a step towards him and carefully laid a hand on his shoulder. Minhyuk looked up, surprised, and Kihyun smiled, obviously wanting to signal him that everything was fine. Then, he quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and tiped something in before showing it to the others.

 _ **Hey**_ , read the display, _**nice to meet you all.**_

Now, not only Minhyuk, but also the others waved a bit in his direction. I decided to finish with the awkward standing around and signaled Kihyun to follow me to grab something to eat.

After we had sat down next to Wonho, the awkward tension fortunately vanished by itself. I was talking to Jooheon about my schedule while Kihyun, Minhyuk and Hyungwon were talking through messages on displays and messy words on paper. I was more relieved than I had expected to be, seeing that my friends and Kihyun got along well. Probably I just felt the urge to protect him and include him in my group of friends because he seemed kind of lost and shy. Maybe I just thought of him like this because he wasn't talking, but it didn't really matter.

"I really hope I don't have Mr Jung again this year", Jooheon said. "He's the reason I almost failed math last year. You kind of think a teacher should know something about his subject, and therefore should be able to explain it coherently, but obviously not."

"Hasn't he retired after last year?", I responded, eating a spoonful of yoghurt. Jooheon eyes became bigger and his jaw dropped. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, he stopped working", Wonho intervened. Jooheon laid his hands together and raised them like he was praying. "Thank god. Math is saved, I won't fail this year. There isn't anyone as bad as him."

"I'm really excited about who is going to teach sign language", I said without thinking further about it. "I'm really excited about sign language in general."

"Because of Kihyun?", Jooheon asked and I almost choked on my food. Feeling my cheeks becoming hot again, I stammered: "Yeah, probably."

What was going on with all this blushing today? It wasn't even this hot outside!

"He thinks Kihyun is cute", Wonho said and I immediately thought about throwing the rest of my yoghurt into his face. "I know what he means know. He has this kind of eyes, I don't know."

"Puppy eyes", I murmured while eating and Wonho turned his head to look at me. "What? What did you just say?"

"Nothing", I answered and let the spoon drop into the empty bowl. "I'm giving the tray back. What time is it?"

"We should get going in a few minutes", Jooheon answered with a glance at his phone. "I really don't want to be late. No one can hate me as much as Mr Jung, but I also don't want to give the new math teacher any reason to hate me just the tiniest little bit in the first place."

"Shit, I think I forgot my bag in my room", I suddenly remembered and stood up. "I'll go upstairs and get it. Are you going to wait?"

"Sure."

I was already on my way to leave the table, when I felt something tugging on my sleeve. I turned my head and saw Kihyun sitting next to Wonho, holding his phone in his hand. Once he was sure I would wait, he quickly wrote something down and then gave me his phone.

_**I have to speak to you. Are you already leaving for class?** _

_**No, I'll just grab my bag.** _

_**Okay.** _

After I gave my empty tray back, I made my way out of the cafeteria. I felt like someone's glance was following me, but probably it was just Wonho telling Jooheon how awful my hair looked. And maybe it was true.

I sprinted up the stairs to our room and unlocked the door, still unused to the sight of two beds with sheets on them, although I had spent the last years with a roommate. It definitely felt more like home with someone else living here. Adding to the fact that these rooms would always feel more like home for me than my actual home. How should I explain to Kihyun that I didn't leave for any holiday except for summer?

I grabbed my bag and locked the door once more, this time deciding to take the elevator on the other side of the hallway. I wanted to say hi to Mrs Kim and also apologize for how I had behaved yesterday night when I had just stormed away with guilt in every fiber of my body. Kihyun had to be a real angel considering he had forgiven me my fault this easily.

Like every morning, Mrs Kim was already sitting at her desk, filling out a sheet of paper. When I arrived, she looked up and greeted me. "Good morning, Changkyun."

"Good morning." I nervously grabbed the strap of my bag. "I just really wanted to say sorry for yesterday. Kihyun, my roommate, he probably just wanted to wake me up but I was so surprised I practically jumped on him with a lamp in my hand ..." I cleared my throat. "Anyways, it was all a huge misunderstanding and I felt so guilty after what you told me, I just wanted to apologize to him. That was why I left so quickly."

"Are you two getting along better now?", Mrs Kim asked and I quickly nodded. "Yes, he is really nice. At first we didn't understand each other, like, verbally, because I thought he wasn't talking to me because he was angry at me. It took me some time to find out he really ... doesn't speak."

"Ah, so you already cleared that topic?", she asked me. "I wanted to tell you yesterday that he doesn't speak. He didn't tell you why, did he? I mean, the principal probably knows why, but I don't, it's kind of private so you don't have to tell me even if you do know."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "Uhm, he didn't tell me why he doesn't speak but I thought it was kind of obvious."

"Obvious?" Now she was the one being confused. She laid down the pen in her right hand. "Why would it be obvious?"

"Well, I'm not really informed about this topic but I once watched a drama were one character was deaf and I thought it is normal for deaf people not to speak. I mean, I thought they don't speak because they don't hear their own voice and it's kind of uncomfortable for them?"

"Why ..." Mrs Kim now seemed entirely confused. "Why do you think he is deaf?"

I was silent for a moment, trying to organize my thoughts. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, has he told you he is deaf?"

"Um, no, not directly. I mean, he doesn't speak, how should he tell me. He ..." I tried to remember our conversation. "He used his hands to tell me he doesn't speak and when I asked him if he is deaf he didn't answer so ... he is deaf, isn't he? I mean, why shouldn't he speak if he isn't deaf?"

Mrs Kim lowered her glance onto the papers scattered on her desk. "I just filled out his student ID and nothing on his ID card or his passport or anything says something about him being deaf. The principal would've told me if he was deaf and additionally, I don't think deaf people are even allowed to visit this school. You know, they wouldn't be able to follow the classes in any way. If you're deaf, you need to go to a special school for people with disabilities."

"That's ... a joke, right?", I stammered. "Are you telling me he isn't deaf?"

"You need to talk to him yourself, Changkyun, but I'm almost entirely sure he isn't deaf. I think he can hear perfectly fine, he just doesn't talk."

I felt like I was dreaming. Resigningly, I propped my head on the palm of my hand and closed my eyes for a second, trying to get a hold of myself. "But, why didn't he tell me he wasn't deaf? Sure, he didn't say it himself, I just assumed it, but why didn't he shake his head or something?"

Mrs Kim shrugged. "I don't know. I really have no idea. You'll have to ask him yourself."

"T-thank you, Mrs Kim", I said and added: "I'll go to class now."

"Take care, Changkyun. And don't worry about it, I'm sure there is a reason why he didn't tell you."

A reason? There had to be one. Why had he left me in the belief he wasn't able to hear? Going back to the cafeteria, my fingers grabbed the strap of my bag tighter. It wasn't the feeling of betray, no, that would be exaggerated, but something didn't feel right. I was kind of ... not angry, but ... sad. Why didn't he tell me? It could've been easier. I could've spoken to him.

Had he lied to me? Not really, because he hadn't said anything about being deaf. I had just assumed it and he had gone with it, not correcting me in any way. But why? Why would he want me to think that he was deaf?

I thought about him tugging on my sleeve and that he wanted to talk to me. About him not being deaf? Maybe. But even if, why now and not earlier? Why the hell was this boy so confusing? It made no sense! And why didn't he talk in the first place if he wasn't deaf?

At first I had thought I wanted to talk about this, to find out what were his reasons for not speaking and not telling me the truth, but the closer I got to the cafeteria, the more anxious I felt. Everything that had happened since yesterday evening played in my head, as I searched for comments he may have heard that would've been an insult or something. But I hadn't said anything bad about him, of course not, there wasn't anything. But ...

_He's kind of cute._

_Why am I even blushing?_

_Puppy eyes._

Maybe I hadn't said anything bad about him, but there were definitely a few embarrassing things I wouldn't have said if I had known he could actually hear me. I mean, I had said that he was cute! And he had heard that, oh my god, that was so embarrassing I just wanted to die right here and now. Why had I even said that in the first place? Because that had been my first impression ... but why ...

_Shit._

If he was able to hear, he had also heard me opening the bathroom door this morning and knew I had seen him dressing, even if I hadn't seen him naked in any way. He had heard me asking myself why I was blushing. What if he understood this the wrong way? Wait, wrong way? Wasn't there only one way to understand it? What was even going on? With me and with him and with everything?

All I knew was that I would die out of embarrassment if I ever met him again. Which was kind of unavoidable, considering we were roommates and I was just about to walk into the room he was sitting in ...

I stopped right in front of the cafeteria and told myself to calm down. I had just said some compliments about him, he should feel honored and not be angry at me or think I'm strange. And why he hadn't told me about him actually being able to hear ... well, that was another question that was yet to be answered. And even if he wasn't speaking, I would make sure to get a response.

But to my relief, he was nowhere to be seen when I entered the cafeteria anxiously. And with him, Hyungwon, Minhyuk and Shownu had also disappeared. Only Jooheon and Wonho were sitting at our table and waiting for me.

"Where are the others?", I asked when I reached the table and they stood up. Somehow I was relieved to be able to delay the conversation with Kihyun, but on the other side, I was kind of sad he had already left. Stupid.

"Hyungwon and Kihyun have the same class for the first period and Minhyuk and Hyunwoo do, too, so they decided to leave and search their classrooms. You told me you also have math the first hour?", Jooheon asked.

"Yeah", I responded and Wonho sighed. "I prayed for nice classmates and here I am with you two. I can tell you why you almost failed last year - not because of Mr Jung, but because both of you just can't pay attention."

"Don't be so mean", Jooheon laughed. "Or else I won't let you copy my notes."

"That's what I call having a point."

\--------------------

On the way to the west building, where the classrooms and the sports ground where situated, I was contemplating on telling Jooheon and Wonho Kihyun wasn't actually deaf. If this was true and he was able to hear, they should definitely know. Maybe it was all just as big misunderstanding just like yesterday when I had thought Kihyun was a murderer.

"Kihyun isn't actually deaf", I therefore just blurted out when we had almost reached the hallways plastered with lockers. Wonho and Jooheon, who had been walking in front of me just stopped walking and turned around, just to ask at the same time: "What?"

"I've talked to Mrs Kim", I tried to explain and lowered my glance. "I don't know if I should tell you this because I haven't yet spoken with Kihyun but she told me he isn't deaf. You know, he never said it himself. I just assumed it and he didn't deny it. Probably because he doesn't speak."

"He could've just shaken his head", Wonho remarked and I shrugged. "I know. There has to be a different reason. I'll ask him as soon as I encounter him, okay?"

"You should", Jooheon answered. "That is really strange."

We entered the hallway, that was already packed with students. Loud chatting and the closing sound of lockers was a constant noise that really stressed my ears. In every corner, groups of people were standing and talking. Even though the dorms were reserved for boys, girls also visited the school, as well as some boys who just weren't living here, but instead at home. I knew most of their faces, except for the freshmens' of course, but to most of them I had never spoken. I didn't normally visit any extracircular classes, except for sign language this year, so there wasn't any opportunity to come in contact with others. But I was fine with that. I didn't need anybody except for my close group of friends. There were enough bad people here that I didn't want to have anything to do with.

"I bet there is a ---" Wonho wasn't able to finish his sentence before someone bumped into him and he fell to the ground, his bag landing in front of my feet. I quickly kneeled down and picked it up while Jooheon helped Wonho up, just to be pushed against the locker behind him.

"Hey, look where you're going, you idiot!" Speaking of the devil.

The others and me had already had several problems with guys like Doyoung, who was now standing in front of us, and his group of dumb brats in the last years, but with every passing year, they seemed to become more aggressive and violent. Doyoung's clan, as he liked to call himself and his three other friends Chul, Kiwoo and Jaejin. Because it had always been four against four, they normally didn't dare to mess with us after we had had a fight in freshman year. I had left with a black eye, but Doyoung, too. The thought that Shownu and Minhyuk were now also in our group of friends, although the latter seemed like he couldn't even hurt a fly, made me hope that Doyoung would finally leave us alone. He was old enough.

"You were the one who bumped into me!", Wonho responded and pressed his lips together.

"Just leave us alone, Doyoung", I said annoyed.

Doyoung didn't seem to happy about our remarks, judging by the way he furrowed his pierced eyebrows. His black hair with blue dyed tips made him look like a punk. This time, Jaejin took a step forward and pinned me against the locker. My shoulder hurt as he pushed me against it and I used my foot to punch him away. He stumbled a few feet away and I saw how the others got ready to start a real fight, but they were interrupted by a man in a suit that had grabbed Chul by his collar and forced him to take a step back.

"What are you doing?", he shouted angrily and I flinched slightly. "Are you stupid?! This is a school and not a boxing ring! Be happy that it's the first day and I have other problems than dealing with seniors that should be old enough to know how to behave!"

"Sorry, Sir", all of us said and we bowed into his direction. When we came up again, Doyoung shot an angry glance to me, telling me that this fight wasn't over yet.

The teacher fortunately only left after Doyoung and his gang had already disappeared. Wonho seemed annoyed, not to speak of Jooheon, as we continued searching for our lockers in the building.

"Three years have passed and he hasn't learned anything since", Wonho hissed. "Can't they leave us alone for once? We haven't done anything. It's just like they picked us as victims the first time they saw us."

"Stop that shit, we're not victims. I refuse to call myself a victim", Jooheon responded. "They just have to push me once more and I'll give each of them two black eyes before they can even blink!"

"I didn't know you could be this aggressive", a voice behind us suddenly said and Jooheon turned around, looking at the girl that quickly sped up to walk next to us. I remembered her as the girl from the ramen shop, even if today she wasn't wearing her hair in a ponytail. Without apron but instead a skirt and the tie in the school's colours red and blue, she looked pretty.

"With the right people I can get a little bit annoyed", Jooheon answered. "Are you stalking me now, Seoyeon?"

"I should seriously slap you for that, you know?", she laughed. "But I won't because you finally remembered my name."

"I wouldn't care if you were stalking me, you know?"

"I'm not stalking you, you egocentric idiot!"

When we finally arrived at our lockers, Jooheon and Seoyeon were finally having a normal conversation. They were still throwing insults at each other but that somehow suited their personality. Wonho and me could only roll our eyes and throw our books into our lockers. They were relatively new, just like the whole building. It had only been built a few years before our freshman year. The floor was bright orange and the walls were a calm shade of green, just like the lockers I was now placing my stuff in.

It turned out Seoyeon also had math for the first period so we made our way to our classroom, almost wanting to turn around and leave immediately when we saw our teacher - the same one that had just scolded us in the hallway. His eyes told us everything we needed to know about him when we entered and he looked at us - that he already hated us and we would definitely fail this year.

"You know what?", Jooheon leaned over to my desk after we had taken our seats, Jooheon next to Seoyeon and me and me next to Wonho. "I really want Mr Jung back."

\----------------------------

To my surprise, I survived the first hour of math and also the rest of the morning. Mr Choi, that was his name, seemed ready to kill us, but he could hold back. Instead, he called Jooheon up at least ten times in each thirty minutes to solve an equation on the blackboard. Wonho and me were less in his focus, but he still managed to scold us for talking to each other.

English, Science and Korean fortunately passed without any incidents. I had been praying for hours that god would have enough pity with me to put me in other classes than Doyoung, Kiwoo, Jaejin or Chul ... and I seemed to have enough luck or divine support.

Instead, I was in almost every class with Wonho, and one or two with Jooheon and Hyungwon. I was kind of sad I wouldn't meet Hyunwoo or Minhyuk during classes as they were only juniors, but the thing bothering me the most was that whereever I went in the short break or between the periods, I couldn't find Kihyun. It was almost as if he knew what I wanted to ask him and had decided to hide in the toilets, but even there I wasn't able to encounter him.

It was seriously frustrating. At some point during Science and Korean class I began asking myself why I was so keen on seeing him and came to the conclusion that it wasn't just because I wanted to talk to him, but also because I just wanted to have him around me. That's what you feel about friends, right? I mean ... I also wanted to have Jooheon and Wonho and the others around me.

I hoped I would maybe meet him at lunch break, but he seemed to have gone catch some food with Jooheon or Wonho or the two juniors or maybe even alone because he couldn't be seen anywhere. I somehow gave up and just followed Hyungwon like a dog when we were walking to the convenience store. Neither Hyungwon nor me having enough money to buy icecream was the last thing that made me resign.

With a stomach full of kimbap, we returned to school and successfully managed to sit through two more hours of physics- did I already mention I was bad at physics?

Hyungwon was ready to return to the dorm and I was too - until my stupid brain remembered my day wasn't yet done. I still had extracircular class and Hyungwon, that indelicate idiot, dared to laugh at me when I was already about to leave the school building. I quickly said goodbye and began to run to my classroom once more ... only to notice sign language wasn't taking place in the room. After two minutes of trying to find my schedule in my bag and running to the room, I was definitely late. Late as hell and probably dead.

Knocking on the door and entering, I quickly bowed down and apologized: "I'm terribly sorry, I wasn't able to find the classroom."

When coming up again, at least fifteen pairs of eyes stared at me, in front of me Mrs Lee that I knew from English class last year. She was known to be nice but also incredibly strict with students who turned up too late for her class. Now, she just looked at me with an annoyed glance and asked: "Are you a freshman, Changkyun?"

"N-no, Ma'am", I answered while the class laughed at me.

"Then I expect you to turn up in time for my class, or else I'm going to kick you out, have you understood that?" She probably knew I was one of the lazy ones who had just taken this class to fill up their schedule, so she had said the right thing to put me under pressure. I wasn't allowed to fail this class.

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Sit down."

My glance now focused on the other students still eyeing me, some tired, some annoyed, some still laughing and some uninterested. As Minhyuk had already told me, this class was just for seniors, so there were only known faces. To my big horror, the first people I actually recognized were the ones I had prayed for the whole day to not be in any of my classes. They were sitting on the site opposite to the windows in the back and laughing at me, Doyoung with that smirk on his face that made me want to punch him in the face. I quickly looked away.

The first two rows were just some girls and boys I've had classes with but didnt really know personally. I was already about to sit down somewhere in the middle when my glance fell on someone I definitely knew next to the windows in the back, in rather safe distance to Doyoung.

Kihyun had made himself small in the back, a pen in his hand, but he wasn't looking at his notes, but at me. Before I would be standing around any longer, I made my way to the back and sat down on the chair next to him, making him stare at me in surprise. I didn't know why he had expected me to sit somewhere else than next to him.

Mrs Lee continued with her class. They hadn't done much, obviously just written down the headliner "sign language" and talked about some basic information.

I already wanted to say hi to Kihyun but decided not to scare him. Additionally, I would just get scolded once again. So I took out my notebook and teared one paper out of it, taking a pencil and writing down: _**You aren't deaf?**_

It may have seemed like a very drastic measure to confront him but I just wanted to get it done. I wanted an explanation, the explanation I had searched for the entire day ...

That's at least what I had thought. I had thought I had just been looking for Kihyun the whole day because I wanted an answer to my questions. But now, sitting next to him and feeling the relief in my chest, I noticed that I had primarily just wanted to spend time with him.

Even thought I kept my eyes on the teacher who was explaining where sign language was used, I could still see how Kihyun flinched while reading my words. Before I could even blink, he had taken out his pen and begun to write faster than I had done in my worst exam.

I thought he would just give me the paper back after a few seconds, but he kept writing for at least five minutes. I had my eyes fixated on the clock and was counting the seconds. After quite a while, he finally slid the paper back to me. I quickly hid it under my notebook and began to read.

_**No, I'm not deaf.** _

_**I'm sorry someone else told you. Someone from the school, right? I wanted to tell you myself this morning but then Hyungwon and the others wanted me to follow them and I didn't have the chance to.** _

_**I know that's a horrible excuse. I'm sorry there has to be an explanation in the first place.** _

_**You know, many people assume I'm deaf just because I don't talk. When I first meet people, I just try to make them understand that I don't speak. I never tell them I'm deaf because I don't actively want to lie, but I'm happy when they assume that I am, so I don't correct them.** _

_**I'm often a bother for others because I don't talk. You couldn't even argue with me because I would never scream back. You can't even really insult me because I would never say anything to you. People mostly don't want to be with someone they can't talk to, because words are so important. Always writing everything down is exhausting.** _

_**When people assume I'm not only mute but also deaf, it's a lot easier for them to leave me alone and decide to not have anything to do with me. It's hard being with someone silent, but harder to be with someone deaf. Not only having to read everything, but also to write everything down. That's my way of not bothering people without telling them to leave me alone because it's hard to be a friend of mine.** _

_**Do you get what I mean? When people assume I'm deaf they leave me alone quicker and I like that because I would just bother everyone. Like I said, I can't even get angry with you. No human relationship or friendship without arguing is normal or pleasant.** _

_**There are two other reasons ... when I tell them I'm deaf, they don't ask me why I'm mute. Being deaf explains being mute, but if I'm not deaf, why am I mute? I don't want to talk about that with most people.** _

_**Also, when people think I'm deaf, they think they can speak about me like they want to, like I'm not looking. I see who is really my friend and who just pretends to be. But normally, even if I know someone is really friendly, I still don't tell them I'm not deaf. They're way too friendly to be bothered by someone like me.** _

_**It was the same with you and your friends ... but unlike everyone else, you tried to talk to me even though you thought I was deaf. You weren't only friendly, but you really wanted to talk to me. Honestly, that has never happened to me. I felt so guilty and wanted to tell you that I'm not actually deaf because I noticed you wanted to be friends with me even though I am not able to speak and everything is so complicated.** _

_**I wanted to give you the chance to just walk away and treat me like a stranger because you don't have to care about what you say or do when I'm deaf or mute, but you didn't. I'd really understand if you didn't want to be friends with me anymore after this.** _

_**I've just kind of gotten used to this. This was always my way of keeping people away from me ... nobody wants to talk to someone that won't talk back.** _

_**It's okay if you don't want to talk to me :) I should have told you I'm not deaf earlier. Thank you for your nice words even though you thought I wouldn't hear them ... I'm sorry.** _

Without realizing it, my eyes had become teary, and I didn't know why. Maybe it were his words, maybe the little smiley that was laughing at me. Most likely the smiley.

"So, now we're going to learn the first words. Please keep in mind that you should make some notes, even if you can look up the signs on the Internet or in books."

I took my pen, but not to write down notes.

_**I'm not this keen on talking anyway. If you want, I can talk to you and you can write something down. You said you can speak in sign language, right?** _

_**Then I'm just going to learn sign language, so we both can communicate in sign language, okay? It's going to be cool because nobody except us will understand it. You'll have to help me a bit, but I'll be happy to learn if you feel more comfortable with both of us signing.** _

When I passed the paper back to him, it took him more than five minutes to answer. I was already getting afraid that he would be angry at me for my proposition, but when quite some time had passed and he finally turned around to me, his eyes were sparkling and this time, it was more than just puppy eyes I thought about. It was like in one of my daydreams, a hundred different memories and images running through my mind and something in my stomach turned around and made me shiver.

I didn't know how he knew it was the only word I understood in sign language, but if I had been given another chance to learn my first word and remember it forever, I would've chosen this one a second and a third and a hundred more times.

_**Yes.** _

This afternoon, when I entered the dorm and met Minhyuk who asked me if I wanted to accompany him going to the city, I said yes, and told him I had to visit the bookstore.

I really had to buy a book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> So Changkyun is now actually keen on learning sign language. If that's going to bring him closer to Kihyun?  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> This chapter, there is a lot of love in the air - literally.  
> I just quickly wanted to inform you about the sign language I'm going to describe from now on. As it was kind of obvious from the beginning on, even if Kihyun turned out not to be deaf, a lot of sign language is going to be used in this and further chapters. But don't worry, I'll be translating everything (or at least everything Kihyun wants Changkyun to know about ;)).  
> It's just that, as you maybe know, there are a lot of different types of sign language. It's almost like normal languages. Basically almost every country has their own sign language. Considering I'm writing this story in English, it would make sense to use the British or American sign language (BSL or ASL). But considering the story is taking place in Korea, I could also use the Korean sign language. You see, whatever option I take, it's never quite right. So I decided to use German sign language (GSL).  
> At first that doesn't make any sense at all. But I'm German, what may also explain the sometimes occuring grammatical errors ;) And the reason I got the idea for this story in the first place are my own studies. I somehow became really interested in GSL so I bought a book about it and I also study with the Internet. I'm still a beginner so this is also a great opportunity to learn some words, too. I think not everyone of you is interested in actually remembering the words I present in the first place, so I hope you understand it makes no sense for me to look up everything in ASL or BSL or even Korean sign language.  
> Anyways, I hope you like the following chapter and please don't be afraid of the sign language! As I said, I'm going to translate everything.  
> Thank you for reading in advance!

"Boring ... boring ... boring ... damn, where is it?"

Jooheon let his tray with food fall down on the table next to me and I flinched in surprise, almost ripping the page I was just about to turn out of the book in front of me. Relieved to see nothing had happened to it and that it was still complete in one piece, I breathed out.

"What is boring?", he asked and broke his chopsticks in two to begin to eat. I shot a glance at his food and was once again strengthened in my attitude to avoid cafeteria food. The noodles on his plate looked like worms but I suppressed the comment laying on my tongue in order not to make him lose his appetite.

"Nothing", I answered and raised my arms to stretch myself. I had only been sitting here for five minutes while Jooheon had ordered his food, but my limbs felt like dried honey - tough and immovable. "I just wanted to look up how to sign it but I can't seem to find it."

"You're really obsessed with this signing stuff lately", Jooheon responded and tried to look into my notes. "Why? You don't even spend your lunch breaks eating anymore, you're just always studying. I didn't know you could be so ambitious. Don't tell me you're doing all of this for Kihyun. He told us it's fine if we speak to him."

I sighed. How should I explain everything to Jooheon?

I hadn't been obessed with sign language lately - maybe just since a week ago. A week ago when Kihyun and I had passed the paper with explanations and questions beneath notebooks, carefully so no one would see it. We had carried on talking about sign language and speaking and of course he had told me he would be fine with me talking to him, too, but something just told me he would be more comfortable if I actually tried talking in signs. Also, he wouldn't have to write everything down anymore.

This day, I had decided to actually study for a subject for once in my life. I had paid attention to what Mrs Lee had told the class, I had tried to draw the gestures she formed with her fingers in my notebook in the best way possible so I would be able to revise them later. I had felt this striking fire inside me ... somehow I wanted to show Kihyun that I was okay with going the extra mile to make sure he felt comfortable speaking to me, or rather talking in signs.

His message had sounded like he had never had any good friends, someone who wanted to understand him and was okay with making an effort to achieve that. So I just ... I didn't want to be like everyone else. Even if Jooheon, Wonho and everyone else continued to talk to him, now that they knew he wasn't actually deaf, I wanted to be different.

While we had still been sitting in sign language class, Kihyun had admitted he was really afraid of talking to the others, because they still thought he was deaf. When I had proposed I could talk to them, he had seemed to be really grateful. I didn't tell him Jooheon and Wonho already knew, but just made it quick the following evening at dinner and told them he could hear perfectly fine, and that he just hadn't denied my assumption because he had been afraid to bother us any further and just wanted to give us the chance to leave him alone.

To my relief, no one of them had dared to ask him why he was mute if he wasn't deaf. I also didn't ask him myself. Of course I wanted to know, I was more curious than it was beneficial for my well-being, but he had clearly written down he didn't want anybody asking him, so the case was clear. I often caught myself looking at him during the next week, wondering what was the secret of why he never let any noise leave his mouth, but I was afraid and too thoughtful to actually pose that question.

So instead of speaking to him, I tried to sign.

It was a mess. When the first lesson of sign language class had ended, I could say hello and goodbye, thanks to Mrs Lee who had spend almost the entire time talking about the different accents and languages in sign language. And hello and goodbye were basically just waving your hand, so I wouldn't be able to communicate with Kihyun in any way unless I planned of never doing anything else than entering the room and leaving one second later (and maybe saying yes a hundred times in between).

There had to be a different way, I told myself. If I would just wait for sign language class once every week, I would never improve. I would never be able to show Kihyun I really wanted to be friends with him.

Of course I could've just asked him, I mean, he knew sign language and all, he could've just taught me word after word, but I didn't want that. I wanted to show him that I was mature enough to learn this without any help, and somehow ... somehow I also wanted to surprise him.

It was a selfish and arrogant thought that Kihyun would be happy just because someone like me wanted to learn how to speak in sign language to communicate with him, but I tried to suppress this feeling whenever I was sitting down at my desk and revising the gestures. Although it was unrealistic, I really hoped he would be happy about it. I didn't really know why. There were a lot of things I didn't know anything about these days.

"I have to go to the bookstore", I therefore told Minhyuk when he asked me to accompany him going to the city. He said he had to buy a notebook for science class and was okay with a stop at the bookstore. "What do you need?", he asked when we were already on our way. I was playing with the coins in the pocket of my jeans and looked up.

"Do you remember the book about sign language we saw on Saturday when we hid inside the bookstore because it was raining?", I asked.

"The one costing thirty-five thousand won?", Minhyuk responded, slightly confused. "Didn't you tell me it was way too expensive?"

"It still is", I laughed. "I had to sacrifice my allowance for two months for that. And a bit of what I had saved up. But I really need it. I don't think I'll be able to learn it just by looking at pictures on the Internet."

"If it's that important to you", Minhyuk commented and turned to the right to cross the street. I was still playing with the coins and now stopped, looking at the pavement under my feet. Why was this so important to me? Even though I had thought of it as something too expensive to even think about buying in the beginning, I had gathered my money without even wasting a second thought on it as soon as I had come back from school.

_**It's just for class**_ , I told myself.

After the dinner and my explanation about Kihyun being able to hear, the latter seemed a lot more relieved. I noticed it had really scared him when I was lying on my bed later in the evening, watching him getting under his covers. His face was a lot more relaxed than earlier this day.

In comparison to him, I was a shivering mess. Okay, that was a bit exaggerated, but I really felt kind of nervous. My new book was laying next to me under my blankets, as I was shooting a glance on the illustrated signs to make sure I wasn't making any major mistake. I had spent the time Kihyun had been in the bathroom with practicing the sentence I wanted to sign, and when it was my turn to shower, I had signed the words in front of the mirror to gain confidence - which didn't really work out.

Now, I was incredibly anxious to show Kihyun. I didn't know why. It wasn't this big of a deal. Even if I messed up we would probably just laugh about it and forget it. Then, why was I being so nervous and had this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach?

I tried to swallow my fear and waved at him to get his attention. He looked up from his phone, a questioning look on his face. We hadn't really talked to each other since class, as I had quickly left to buy the book. At dinner, he had spoken to Minhyuk and Wonho and when we had talked about who was going to shower first, I had just used my awkward non-official sign language. Maybe he had already wondered why I wasn't talking to him, but right now he had to be really confused.

I took a deep breath and raised my right hand to point at him with my index finger - _**you**_. I clenched my hand to a fist and made a circular motion next to my right temple - _**movie**_. Grabbing the air, now showing the back of my hand to Kihyun - _**with**_ -, I pointed at myself - _**me**_. With both hands, I grabbed the air again and pulled them back - _**want**_ -, only to use my right hand again and point with index and middle finger to my eyes and lastly move my hand away from my face - _**watch**_.

_**Do you want to watch a movie with me?** _

For more than just a few moments, Kihyun stared at me, the light of his phone display illuminating his face. I almost wanted to apologize and just bury myself under my blankets or jump out of the window because I thought I had just said something incredibly wrong or not even understandable, but then, Kihyun sat himself up, let his phone fall down on the blanket and signed: _**Yes.**_

Not once in my life I had felt this proud of myself as I did in this moment when I saw Kihyun smiling at me. I could see a million different emotions in his face that I didn't dare to name because I was afraid the bubbly, warm feeling in my body would vanish if I did.

We spent the rest of the night lying in my bed and watching a kdrama I couldn't even name the morning after. The nervous feeling didn't vanish, not after the first and not after the second episode, while Kihyun laid next to me, careful not to take too much of my blanket. The opposite was the case, the longer we watched the drama on the little screen of my phone, the more prominent the feeling became - a feeling that wasn't comfortable but that also wasn't uncomfortable.

Kihyun didn't look at me while we were watching, so I stopped turning my head at him after a few minutes, scolding myself why I was even staring at him. I behaved like an idiot and I didn't even know why.

When we went to bed quite some time after midnight, the other half of my bed was warm and I couldn't sleep although I tried to. It shouldn't have been too difficult considering the room was silent as Kihyun wasn't even making any noise in his sleep, but my conscience refused to vanish.

A lot of time after this night, Kihyun would tell me he cried after I had signed him a good night with a secret glance into my hidden book. I couldn't hear it because I never heard him - he was almost like a scent in the air, something you never quite noticed after you got used to it even if you knew it was there. After this evening, Kihyun seemed to be everywhere. Maybe just for me. And sign language ... it wasn't _just for class_ anymore.

\-----------------------

We got used to watching dramas or a movie together every night. Sometimes, we would lay in my bed and sometimes in his. His sheets and he himself always smelled like fabric softener, even though I tried not to notice.

I spent every lunch break studying sign language and made it my goal to surprise him with a new sentence at least once a day. I never became tired of seeing him smile after I had awkwardly moved my hands and fingers.

In just the span of a week, I felt like we had become good friends. I had become used to the feeling of going to school again, having to deal with the loads of homework each teacher gave us, especially Mr Choi, our scary math teacher, who seemed to have put us on the list of students who he was definitely going to make fail this class. At dinner, we always had a lot of fun, Shownu or Jooheon telling funny memories of earlier times. Kihyun always sat next to Minhyuk who didn't seem to have a problem with having to read Kihyun endless messages on his phone display as response to his questions. I usually talked to Wonho and Hyungwon who seemed to get along better now that Wonho had become used to Minhyuk's presence.

They even got along so well they always catched something to eat together at lunch break, most of the days with Shownu. My last class was often with Jooheon so we used to go to the cafeteria or the convenience store to eat something - well, Jooheon ate something and I studied. I didn't want to study in front of Kihyun as I was afraid he would think I was dumb because I had to sign every word like five hundred times before I remembered it, so I always used the lunch break to improve because just like on the first day, Kihyun seemed to magically disappear whenever lunch break started. I didn't want to be too pushy and leave him space so I avoided asking him what he was doing.

"I'm also doing this for class", I therefore said to Jooheon and forced myself not to think about the evening one week ago or everything that had happened in between. I had often caught myself doing this over the last week when I had been trying to sleep. Sometimes I felt like I had gone crazy in just seven days, and I didn't even know why. Kihyun wasn't to blame for my lack of sleep because it was like he wasn't there. You couldn't even hear his breath when he was sleeping.

"Are you sure?", Jooheon asked, rather unconvinced and began to eat his food. "I've never seen you study for something so much, not even for the last math exam last year when you almost failed."

"Who needs math? It's got nothing do with your life", I answered, taking a highlighter and trying to mark the verbs that were explained on the page in front of me. "This stuff is really going to help me. It makes sense I put a lot of effort into it."

"So you're still doing it for Kihyun."

"Of course I'm also doing it for Kihyun", I responded frustrated. "I know he told us he's fine with us talking and everything, but it somehow has to be depressing for him. He doesn't talk himself so he can't answer. He can't even argue. I just think it's fair to talk to him the same way he is talking to us. That doesn't mean I expect you to learn sign language, I just think I should make use of the opportunity. I have it in class and can also use it in my freetime with Kihyun, so it's just plausable I try my best."

"So, why doesn't he talk?", Jooheon asked and tilted his head to the side. "I haven't asked him because I don't know if he wants to tell me. I'm not his best friend or something. I don't know if it's too private."

"Then, why do you think I would know?"

He shrugged. "Although you've known each other for only a week now, you two seem pretty close."

"Close?", I asked. "We're just ... roommates. Normal friends. Like you and me."

"Would you study so much just to talk to me although there would be an easier way to communicate?"

"What are you implying?", I laughed. "Okay, then ... we're really good friends."

"Sure", Jooheon responded and continued to eat. I stared at him for a while, unable to focus on the book in front of me, nervously rubbing the side of my shoe against the table leg. "Jooheon?", I asked after a moment of silence. He answered with an indefinable noise, still leaning over his plate.

"Jooheon, what do I smell like?"

He looked up, mouth full of noodles. Quickly trying to swallow, he almost choked. Eyebrows furrowed and a grin on his face, he then laughed. "What the hell? Why are you asking me this?"

I shrugged insecurely. "I don't know, I just wanted to know if you've noticed a certain smell in the last three years of our friendship."

"A certain smell?", Jooheon laughed. "Changkyun, I still don't really understand what you want to know."

"I mean, would you notice if I smelled like something, like, I don't know, fabric softener? Would you actively notice and remember it?" _Is this what friends normally do because I've never experienced it until one week ago?_

Jooheon finally cracked up. "What the hell, no! I don't care what you smell like. Even if I noticed I would forget it the next second. If you're thinking about buying a new fancy perfume, forget it. I have to save you from spending all your saved up money, especially after you bought this book." He pointed with his chopsticks at the sign language book in front of me.

_He smells like fabric softener. Then why do I even remember that?_

\----------------

At least this time I wasn't too late for the sign language class. Jooheon and me had split up in time because he needed to study for math for the next day because he was sure Mr Choi would grade him, and I needed to be in time for Mrs Lee's class or else she'd maybe kick me out for real this time.

When I arrived, bag hanging heavy over my shoulder, the only ones present were some of the girls in the first few rows - and Kihyun. A smile crept on my face before I could avoid it. Fortunately, Kihyun seemed to be so into whatever he was writing or drawing on the paper in front of him, he didn't even notice me until I sat down next to him, waving at him.

When he looked up, I noticed out of the corner of my eye how he quickly hid the paper he had been drawing on beneath his notebook. I tried not to pay attention and not to be so curious. Maybe it was something private. He waved back at me and I tried to make sure not to stare at how his hair was moving in the wind that came through the open window next to him for too long.

Instead, I laid my bent index and middle finger against the palm of my left hand and moved my right hand forward - _**how are you?**_

He raised his right hand and made a fist before spreading his index and middle finger and thumb - _**Okay.**_

I used my right hand to make a motion with index and middle finger laid against each other like I was putting something in my mouth - _**Have you eaten lunch?**_

Unfortunately, Kihyun wasn't able to answer, because the next second, someone walked up to our table and laughed, pushing the table slightly so our notebooks would've fallen onto the floor if we hadn't reacted fast enough. I would've recognized his dirty laugh in thousands so I was annoyed before I had even gotten the chance to look up.

"What's going on, dumb idiot and his mute stalker?", Doyoung asked, tilting his head and looking from me to Kihyun, eyes sparkling with anticipation of a fight. Normally, I wouldn't even respond and just go on with my own stuff before I would be expelled because I punched him in the face. But this wasn't like last year. He was dragging Kihyun into this, who wouldn't even say a word to defend himself, whatever Doyoung would throw at him.

"Shut up", I therefore responded, teeth gritted. "Mind your own business."

"But this is my business", Doyoung answered. The other three morons behind him were leaning against a table and observing us. "Everything happening in this room is my business. Including you and your new doggy that seems to follow you everywhere."

"Leave Kihyun alone", I hissed. "Leave him out of this."

"Say, how have you gotten a name out of him? Considering he doesn't speak?" Doyoung looked at me questioningly. "Have you blackmailed him or forced him? I don't know any other reason why someone would want to talk to you." A laugh. "Oh, sadly I forgot, he doesn't even talk!"

"Shut up! Or I'll give you two black eyes instead of one!", I shouted. I felt the anger rush through my venes like blood. How did he dare talk like this about Kihyun. This asshole ...

"Still thinking about good old freshman days?", Doyoung asked. His piercings were shining in the sunlight. "At least back then we didn't have to deal with any disabled cripples who were labelling this school as a place for retards!" He leaned towards Kihyun to grab him by his collar. Kihyun seemed so scared he didn't even move when he was dragged forward. "It's my business if someone as dumb as him is sitting in the same room as me and contaminating the air. Never learned how to speak, huh? Or are you just too stupid ---"

My fist hit him right above his cheekbone. It was a horrible noise and I felt pain rush through my hand. Doyoung was pushed back and almost dragged Kihyun over the table. Chul managed to grab his arm before he fell to the ground. I was biting down hard on my lip because my hand hurt like hell, but it had been worth it.

Doyoung needed a moment to wipe the blood of his face, but then he was ready to strike back. I could see in his eyes what he wanted to do to me - or to Kihyun. I was still standing so I quickly took a step to the side, trying to shield him. But Doyoung fortunately didn't even have the time to raise his hand, because a loud voice behind him shouted: "Doyoung, what are you doing?!"

I had never been happier to see Mrs Lee enter the room. Doyoung didn't turn around, not wanting to show his bloody face. An ugly wound was blooming on his cheek. He kept staring at me while his three friends luckily disappeared behind him, until his glance fell on the papers on Kihyun's side of the table that the latter was leaning over in order to protect them.

Before anyone of us could react, he had grabbed them and was swaying them over his head. I didn't know what was so interesting about some notes but obviously he had seen something that was quite interesting for him, because after he took a look at the papers, he laughed.

"Ohhh, Kihyun ...", he said with raised eyebrows and looked at them once more. "I didn't know you were so ..."

But Kihyun had already put a knee up on the table and snatched the papers out of Doyoung's hands before the latter could even react. But the only things I was able to see in Kihyun's eyes were horror and anxiousness. He was holding onto the papers like his life depended on them, throwing glances at Doyoung and me.

"What is going on back there?!", Mrs Lee's voice called again and I could hear her heels on the linoleum flooring. Doyoung quickly wiped the blood of his cheek with his sleeve and I tried to hide my knuckles decorated with my own blood under the table.

"I told you to return to your seat!", Mrs Lee shouted. I saw how Doyoung tried not to turn his head in order not to show his wound to her. "Doyoung, you again! And Changkyun, I told you not to disturb my class!" She shot a glance at Kihyun. "And you, Kihyun - your second week and already causing trouble! What is that?" I noticed how her eyes focused on the papers he still held in his hands. "Give them to me!"

I looked at Kihyun, who seemed like he was about to lose consciousness. His fingers grabbed the papers even tighter. When he didn't answer, Mrs Lee's voice became louder. "I said: Give them to me!"

This time, Kihyun managed to shake his head slightly, but Mrs Lee didn't care. She took a step in Kihyun's direction and reached for the papers and then -

\- Kihyun turned around and threw them out of the window.

We all watched in shock and surprise how the wind took the papers like he was giving them wings and then they just disappeared, driven in all different directions, without chance to ever be found again. I saw how Kihyun's body literally fell down on his chair.

Mrs Lee didn't seem too amused. She pressed her lips into a thin line and threatened: "This is going to have consequences! For all of you!"

At least she finally let go. As she returned to the front of the classroom, Doyoung walked away too, but not without giving me a dirty grin and an angry glance and Kihyun a comment: "I'm not going to forget this, doggy." I had to suppress the overwhelming urge to just punch him again and again and again until he would finally shut up. His words about Kihyun were more present in my mind than ever and it made me feel angrier than every insult about me could've.

When Mrs Lee began with the lesson, I turned around to Kihyun, only to see him staring at my hand under the table that was still bleeding. I wanted to sign that I was okay but my hand hurt too much to move. Apparently I wasn't okay. With a worried face, he grabbed his bag and searched for a second before pulling out a tissue.

Carefully, he took my hand and placed it on his thigh, proceeding to clean it. I flinched at the pain, but that feeling was quickly replaced by a spark developing in my stomach. I knew it just to well, even if I never really understood the meaning of it.

I looked at Kihyun's hair to forget the pain. He took out another tissue and tried to make a little bandage out of it. Gently laying my hand back onto my own lap, he looked up at me with a questioning face. I just nodded and tried to smile because every sign I had learned so far seemed to be erased out of my mind.

The rest of the lesson, I didn't look at Doyoung or else I would've spent the next few years in prison. Kihyun was copying the notes on the blackboard for both of us because my hand hurt too much to write. I was wondering what he could've possibly drawn on those papers that had seemed to be so important to him he didn't want anyone to see.

I didn't ask him. There always were a lot of unspoken things between us but that seemed to be a normal thing - considering we were both still learning how to speak.

\--------------------

"Oh my god, what did you do with your hand!"

Seoyeon was the first to notice the slight look of pain of my face and the bandage that had loosened up throughout the rest of the period and was now just a tissue hanging around my thumb. Today, she wore her hair in two braids and I noticed she had put on makeup, something that I wasn't used to seeing.

"I punched Doyoung", I answered bluntly and she furrowed her eyebrows. "Who is Doyoung?"

"An asshole", I responded and sighed. "I almost thought Mrs Lee was really going to kick me out."

"Boys", Seoyeon rolled her eyes. "Why did you punch him in the first place?"

I turned my head around to Kihyun, who was already looking at me. Then, I shrugged and looked to Seoyeon again. "He was rude and I refused to just let him say those things."

Seoyeon's glance shifted to Kihyun. Although we hadn't really known each other the last years, she seemed to spend a lot of time with Jooheon and the others since we had met in the ramen shop. Instead of going home, she always came back to school after her shift at the restaurant at lunch to meet us in the garden or at the sports ground where our little group normally met up after classes were over. I liked those relaxed hours, mostly because I would just lay down next to Kihyun and listen to Hyungwon or Wonho telling stories.

When the others were with us, Kihyun and I rarely talked but just laid in silence. I was content with that, considering there wasn't any class I had together with him except for sign language. It was one of the rare times I allowed myself to just lay around without studying or talking.

Anyway, that was how she had met Kihyun last week. She seemed way to energetic to just keep silent and not ask Kihyun why he wasn't talking, so I was almost sure Jooheon had told her she shouldn't question it before Kihyun had even showed her a message on his phone. At least she didn't seem to have any problems with it. Last week she had spent hours talking to Kihyun about her job in the restaurant and how Jooheon had visited her together with Wonho last Thursday and how they had disrupted her ...

"You should maybe put some ice on that", she advised me with a scared glance at my hand. "I'm sorry, my mom always tried to teach me how to treat wounds but I'm horrible with seeing blood. I faint immediately."

Before I could respond that it was okay, I felt Kihyun tugging at my sleeve. He looked at me and then pointed down the hallway, where the bathroom was situated.

"I envy you", Seoyeon laughed. "I'm not exaggerating by the way, I really fainted in middle school when one boy fell on his knee and bled. I'm telling the others you're a bit late because you were defending Kihyun."

With those words, she turned around and started walking away. I was a bit embarrassed about her words, because I had avoided involving Kihyun on purpose, but apparently it was too obvious.

Kihyun and I went to the bathroom, where he prepared wet tissues. Once the cold water hit my hand, I hissed through my teeth. It was somehow embarrassing to show my pain in front of Kihyun. I would've rather been the strong, confident boy who didn't feel any pain, but seemingly I wasn't.

Instead, I was self-conscious. A new thought had crept in my head, and now I was asking myself if maybe Kihyun was embarrassed I had punched Doyoung for his comment. I just hadn't been able to hold myself back. Maybe he was angry Mrs Lee had noticed his papers, whatever may have been on them.

I didn't know. It was more complicated than I had first thought - knowing what Kihyun was feeling when he wasn't saying anything. Voice and words told so much, that's what I noticed once more.

"Are ... are you angry at me?", I asked. Not being able to sign with my right hand injured, I just felt the urge to get an answer so I wouldn't have to worry anymore. I didn't have the patience to type it into my phone.

Kihyun finished putting the wet tissues on my hand and looked up, surprised. He quickly shaked his head and raised his right hand clenched to a fist to shake it a bit - _**Why?**_

"I don't know, I was just afraid ..." Saying these words, I noticed how stupid I sounded. "Nevermind. I'm sorry I put you into this situation. Doyoung hates me. He just said that because he wanted to hurt me. He knew you wouldn't respond, so I had to punch him."

I laid my left hand on the tissues and pressed them down a little bit, trying to distract myself from being nervous by pain. "I'm sorry Mrs Lee noticed your papers and wanted to look at them. I didn't see what's on them and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I hope it's not that bad Doyoung saw them."

Kihyun seemed to think about something for a moment, then he shaked his head and pointed at me - _**you**_. The next sign was a sign I could barely recall because I had just learned it yesterday evening before going to sleep - two fists crossed and then opening up while drawing a semicircle - _**message**_. Grabbing the air and pulling back - _**want**_. And finally, pointing at his temple with his index finger and then tilting his hand into the other direction, away from his head - _**know**_.

_**Do you want to know the message?** _

I was confused. He seemed so scared about anybody reading it, why would he tell me now? I shrugged. "Only if ... you want to tell me ..."

He smiled. Bringing his index finger up, he pointed at himself while I anxiously tried to translate what he was saying - _**I**_. He clenched his right hand to a fist and raised it until it was the height of his eyes and then opened it so his fingers were forming a line above his eyes like he was shielding them from light. Raising both hands, he lastly formed two Vs with his index and middle fingers and let them form little circles in front of his eyes.

And I had no idea what the last two signs meant.

"You're mean", I laughed. "You knew I wasn't good enough to know the last two signs."

He grinned and handed me another tissue. I couldn't be angry at him when he was smiling like this at me so I just sighed and said: "Let's go to the others."

_I'll find out what he wrote down. Someday._

\-----------------

The others were already waiting for us outside in the garden that connected west and east building. Minhyuk had brought his picnic blanket to sit on and was talking to Shownu next to him. Seoyeon and Jooheon were leaning against a tree and laughing and Hyungwon and Wonho were between them on the grass, talking about video games.

I didn't have a problem with that. I liked just lying down next to Kihyun. With the others next to us the strange feeling in my stomach that appeared whenever we lied next to each other to watch dramas on my or his phone was weaker because we weren't alone. Basically, I was able to breathe without almost getting a heart attack.

We lied down next to the fountain. I was just about to get lost in the sight of the blue sky when something lightly pressed again my hand. I looked down and saw Kihyun's hand on the tissues, pressing them down a bit, but not enough to hurt. I should probably press them down, I thought and looked at Kihyun to signal him I had understood what he meant - but he had already closed his eyes.

Something inside me began to hurt, not my hand but something else. It really hurt. I didn't know what is was but I was happy when Jooheon suddenly called: "Hey, what happened with your hand?"

Kihyun's hand immediately vanished and instead of feeling relieved, I now felt kind of unsatisfied. Almost a bit annoyed, I answered: "Hasn't Seoyeon told you?"

"I wanted to but decided to leave that up to you", she laughed and nudged Jooheon with her shoulder. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kihyun had sat himself up and was looking at them.

"I punched Doyoung", I explained and this time, not only Jooheon, but also the other four looked at me. It was silent for a second, then Wonho asked: "What?"

"Yeah", I replied, "He said some rude things to Kihyun just because he hates me. So I punched him. Easy. I just can't stand his face."

"I mean, that's great", Jooheon interfered, "but you know we're dead now, right?"

"I couldn't just let him say those things", I responded. Should I just have sat there, listening to him insulting Kihyun although he had done nothing wrong?

"No, that's not what I mean", Jooheon quickly explained, "I think it's great you showed him his limits. Hell, I love that you punched him. Just be careful and don't walk around alone in some deserted parts of the school if you don't want to end up in the hospital."

"I'm not dumb", I said. "Don't worry. I can defend myself."

"Is your hand better?"

"Yeah, Kihyun took care of it."

I propped myself on the fountain and observed how Jooheon explained Seoyeon in detail who Doyoung and the others were. The light chatting of the others was sometimes interrupted by Seoyeon's vivid laugh or Jooheon's attempt to make his stories sound more interesting than they really were.

When I turned around to Kihyun, I remarked how he was smiling while watching them. Noticing I was looking at him, he nodded in their direction and looked at me questioningly.

I moved my hands with spread fingers in front of my chest, palms facing my body - _**what's the matter?**_

He smiled once again and then pointed at Seoyeon and Jooheon before he signed a sign I already knew - now that he had showed me in the bathroom. Except I still didn't know what the two V's dancing in front of his eyes meant. He wasn't even looking at me, already lowering his head when I noticed his hands doing one more sign, probably rather unconscious considering he spoke this language fluently. Just a quick movements of his hands laid on the left side of his chest, right above his heart.

_**Love. To love.** _

I looked back at Jooheon and Seoyeon. Did he mean they were in love or something? Sure, they always talked and Jooheon had even visited Seoyeon at work but I hadn't yet looked at their relationship like this ... or at least Jooheon hadn't told me anything about him liking Seoyeon ... if he even knew himself ...

I looked back at Kihyun who had already lied down once more and had closed his eyes, looking like he was sleeping. The sign with the two Vs he had made just before the last one, did it have the same meaning? Was that what he had wanted to convey? To love?

But why would he write something regarding love on his papers and then be afraid to show anyone? What did he love? The strange sign he had made like he was shielding his eyes?

I fell back onto the lawn, so close I could feel his arm next to mine. Why did Kihyun have to be so confusing?

Maybe he liked sunglasses. I didn't know. Maybe he also didn't want me to know. There had to be a reason he had thrown those papers out of the window. He probably didn't even want me to know what those Vs meant, except I had maybe already figured it out myself. But what he loved ... I didn't know. As long as he loved something, whatever it was that was so important he had to throw it out a window, it was a good sign because people who loved something were happy, right? So it was okay.

People who loved something or someone also wanted them to be happy. I had read this somewhere on the Internet, even though I didn't really need the Internet to know. I wanted my friends to be happy, and dogs. And Kihyun. Kihyun ...

Kihyun was like a scent. The scent of fabric softener. You never quite noticed you were thinking about him once you got used to him, even if you knew the thoughts were there. Kihyun was everywhere in every moment, a faint memory of a scent in the air you refused to acknowledge but you just couldn't let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I bet you want to know what Kihyun signed in the bathroom ... who knows? We might find out soon ;)  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> This chapter Changkyun gets advice on what is going on and finds shelter with Kihyun ...  
> Thank you for reading in advance!

The summer ended faster than we had thought. One night, we fell asleep to our window wide open, and the next morning we woke up freezing cold, Kihyun's lips a touch of blue. We changed our bed sheets to thicker ones, while throwing our pillows at each other. I didn't yet wear my winter uniform as it was still the middle of October, but I became used to carrying a sweater with me when I went to class - a sweater I ended up giving to Kihyun after school anyways. While I was clumsy, he forgot the little things.

In just the span of a few weeks we had gotten used to each other. Kihyun always walked down the stairs next to me because I tended to trip over a step. He was a very light sleeper, and whenever I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, he turned on the flashlight of his phone so I wouldn't fall over anything. I made it my task to always pack two sweaters. When Kihyun fell asleep after we had watched a drama while he was still reading something on his phone, I laid it on his nightstand and tucked him in his blanket so he wouldn't be cold when he woke up because our room resembled the Antarktis these days.

Strangely enough, whenever my fingers were dragging the blanket over his body and stopped right below his chin, I caught myself letting them stay there for a second, looking at Kihyun sleeping. He looked like an angel, his hair cuddled and his lashes slightly fluttering. One time, I had even thought about just laying down next to him. I mean, it's what we were doing while watching dramas anyways, right?

But it never seemed to be the right idea. I always released my fingers from the blanket and lied down in my own bed, turning my body so I was facing him.

I also lend him pencils, because he always forgot his pencilcase. He drew little doodles and wrote down song lyrics, but he never hid them. I tried skimming through sign language dictionaries on the Internet, but soon discovered that sign language wasn't very commonly used in Korea. There were almost no sources and no way to find out what he had really said to me that day in the bathroom when his fingers had been dancing in front of his eyes.

I had created different scenarios in my mind on what he had wanted to convey. I never really knew what I wished he had said. There was only scenario that got my heart racing and I didn't know why. I had searched for every sign that meant "you", hoping one would resemble the strange sign he had made that looked like he was shielding his eyes, until I had thrown my phone on my matress and buried my face in my pillow.

The next morning, I was lying in bed ill with a cold - inevitable, considering the heaters still weren't on. At least I didn't have a fever. I tried to keep quiet when we were getting ready for school, but just a few seconds later a coughing fit shook my body, making my lungs burn. Kihyun insisted I stayed at home that Friday, even though I had a test. To be honest, I felt so horrible I didn't have anything against his decision.

He went to the convenience store and bought some soup and tea to keep me warm. He made a living burrito out of me with approximately a hundred blankets until I was sweating buckets. When I refused to take pills because I hated the feeling in my throat, he glared at me until I gave up. He could achieve everything with just a glance - I even tried to stop him from climbing in the bed next to me, trying to shove him away so he wouldn't become sick, too, although that's exactly where I wanted him to be. But in the end, we ended up where we always did - shoulder to shoulder. It was a better cure for my cold than any medicine.

It was a bit of time later, when I had already fully recovered, that it was Jooheon who brought a touch of light into the darkness.

"Hey, can I ask you something?", he said on Friday, one week before the autumn holidays. I was leaning over my plate of food, eating the chicken with my hands because I was too hungry to torture myself with cutlery.

"Sure", I answered when I had already swallowed, lifting my glance from the book opened next to me. Because it was the last day of the week, there weren't any classes in the afternoon so there wasn't any need to hurry. It was my second plate of chicken and I was planning on getting a third one.

"Have you ever been in love, Changkyun?"

I almost spit out the precious chicken. "What? Why are you asking this all of a sudden?"

"Just out of interest."

I stopped eating for a moment, staring at him before shrugging. "Guess ... not."

"You're guessing?", Jooheon laughed. "That's something you should know about."

"N-no. I gue--- I mean, no. No, I haven't." I shot a cautious glance at him. "And you?"

Now it was his turn to shrug. He played with the chopsticks in his right hand. "I don't know. Honestly, I wanted your advice on this topic. I'm not this experienced with girls. I even searched on the Internet. Do you see how pathetic I am?"

"And you think I'm experienced with girls?" I laughed. "God, Jooheon, I've never even been in a relationship. Which is really fucking depressing considering I'm turning eighteen soon."

We sat a moment in silence, until I dared to ask: "Is it about Seoyeon?"

Jooheon's head literally shot up. "Wait, what? I thought you didn't have any experience with girls." Needless to say I really hadn't, not one bit - but I also didn't want to explain to him I just thought of Seoyeon because Kihyun had drawn my attention on him and Seoyeon in the first place.

Another shrug. "I don't. But, well, you talk alot. And she's nice. You have the same kind of personality. You even visited her at work. It's kind of obvious."

"Not for myself", he responded and propped his chin on the palm of his hand. "I've really asked myself if I like her. I mean, everything they tell you on the Internet is literally how I behave. It's scary. I didn't know everyone behaved the same when being in love. What if she notices?" He looked up at me beggingly. "If she ever does, just kill me."

"W-what do they tell you on the Internet?", I asked, ignoring his request. Quickly stuffing another piece of chicken in my mouth I waited for his answer to a question I didn't even know why I had asked it in the first place.

"Well, that you always want to be around your crush. Talk to your crush, be noticed by your crush, touch your crush ... not even in any inappropriate way, just ... touch, you know. That you get jealous when they don't pay attention to you. That you want to know what they're doing, that you want to protect them, to make them happy. All of this kind of stuff." Jooheon sighed. "I'm not dumb, I knew what being in love felt like. At least I thought I knew. But with Seoyeon ... I don't know. It's just different. A good kind of different."

"D-do you want my chicken?"

"What?", he asked confused, looking at my plate. "I thought you were hungry. Didn't you even plan on eating a third ---"

"Just eat it." I swallowed, standing up and almost tripping over the chair I had just been sitting on. "And ask Seoyeon out. Ask her for a date or something."

"Are you crazy? Changkyun, is that you or some alien inside your body? Come on, sit down and we ---"

"Look, just ask her. I'm almost sure she likes you back." I lifted the tray off the table after I had put my plate with chicken next to Jooheon's and took a step back. "There ... I mean ... I just remembered there is a new episode of my favorite kdrama coming out that I really need to see."

"A new kdrama?", Jooheon laughed while I quickly hurried away to give back my tray. "A kdrama that releases episodes at lunch time? What's it called?"

"It's ..." I sighed. "It's a kdrama, okay? I mean, a really awesome kdrama. So awesome I can't remember the name I mean don't ask me! Okay. Ask Seoyeon out. Bye."

I didn't wait for an answer from Jooheon, but instead almost ran out of the cafeteria. I was feeling sick in the stomach, or maybe it wasn't even the feeling of sickness but something else, something I couldn't quite name. I felt slightly bad for leaving Jooheon like this but I had felt like my head would've just exploded if he had said on more thing about crushes.

Back in our room, I fell down on the bed and took out my own phone, resisting the urge to google everything we had just talked about myself.

I folded my arms behind my head and stared up at the ceiling, trying to remember the crushes I had had until now. But I didn't. Because there hadn't been any. I still remembered this one guy in middle school who had always talked about who he was in love with - a new girl every two weeks or less. I had just listened to him, thinking about how it would feel to have a crush on someone. But being younger, it had never been something I had particularily wanted to experience. It still wasn't. Because although I still remembered this guy's happiness whenever he had had a crush, I also remembered the sad, faked smiles and endless sighs after he had asked a girl out who had just rejected him.

I had never been asked out, not once in my life. It's normally the boys' task to do that. And I thought it was good like this, I still did - because it was better getting hurt while being rejected than having to reject someone else.

Hard to say how long exactly I had been thinking about this topic when the door to our room suddenly opened and Kihyun took a step inside, his glance falling on me. I was paralyzed for a split second, until he raised his hand and waved, showing me a smile that seemed kind of tired.

I moved the crooked fingers of my right hand away from the palm of my left - _**Are you okay?**_

He clenched his hand to a fist and spread his fingers next to his cheek - _**Of course**_. An index finger pointing at me, a little movement with his index finger and thumb touching each other away from his mouth and a shake of his fist - _**Why are you asking?**_

I pointed at him, but then switched to speaking, not knowing how to express myself in sign language. "Because you're so late. We didn't even have classes in the afternoon. Did she made you stay again?"

I somehow had been really afraid when he had come back so late the first few times, a few weeks ago. Some self-conscious part of me had tried to convince myself that he was annoyed by me and therefore tried to spend as little time as possible with me. Dumb me had been relieved to hear he had just been assigned to extra classes with Mrs Lee. Not even classes to teach him, but instead classes to teach Mrs Lee because he was fluent and she wasn't. That's at least what he had told me.

_**Yes. I'm sorry.** _

"Why are you sorry?", I asked confused. "It's not your fault she's letting you stay longer at school, even during lunch break."

I almost felt like Mrs Lee was spending more time with Kiyhun than I did. I didn't know where he had spent the first few lunch breaks a few weeks ago, but apparently now he wasn't spending them with me or the others because he instead had to teach Mrs Lee.

He shrugged, letting his bag fall off his shoulder onto the chair. I decided not to ask him further about it. He didn't look too happy whenever he came home from the extra classes. Maybe it was Mrs Lee's revenge for the papers he had refused to give her and instead thrown out of the window.

Stretching, he turned around again to face me. I tried to ignore the streak of pale skin that was shown for one second before hid again under cloth. A quick tilt of his raised index finger, a hand laid against his own chest, fingertips moving against each other from both sides, a movement in my direction, the back of his right hand laid flat against the palm of his right and a shake of his fist, combined with a very confused look in his eyes - _**Why are you laying in my bed?**_

It took more than just a moment for me to process what he was asking me. Then, I almost jumped up and looked around me, noticing he was indeed right - without thinking about it, I had just sat down on his bed instead of mine. Apparently, I was so used to his scent by now that I hadn't even recognized it as something abnormal.

"I'm - I'm sorry", I immediately responded, so confused I both spoke and signed my answer. The corners of his mouth were lifted a bit higher.

Forming two V's with his index and middle fingers, he moved his hands two times in front of his body, the palms facing upwards. _**Doesn't matter.**_

For a short moment, we were just awkwardly looking at each other. I was still laying on his sheets and felt kind of paralyzed, while he seemed to be thinking about something. Not knowing if it really didn't matter of if he had just tried to be friendly, I was on the verge of getting up, until he suddenly signed, pointing at himself and then shaking his fists a bit like he was shivering: _**I'm cold.**_

I wanted to ask him if he wanted to wear one of my jackets, but he was already kicking his shoes off his feet. Next thing I knew was the mattress sinking down as he let himself fall onto the bed next to me, trying to get the sheet over us both. At least the cold cloth hid my red cheeks for a second before I slid up a little higher so my head was on the pillow.

It was the same situation we were in every evening when we were watching kdrama, laying next to each other with shoulders and knees touching, but I couldn't avoid feeling something else; like something was drastically different. I wanted to name it so I could get rid of it but my brain didn't seem to be functioning.

"Are you warmer now?", I asked with a trembling voice after a few minutes, not knowing any other way to break the silence. I felt Kihyun nodding next to me.

The next awkward silence. Well, somehow it should feel awkward. It was, but it wasn't at the same time. My first thought about getting up had completely vanished. Although Kihyun had said he was cold, I could feel the warmth radiating off his body, wrapping me up in a cocoon.

"Is ... is it okay if I sleep a bit?", I decided to ask. I didn't think he would have a problem laying next to me as he had initiated the contact, but maybe I just needed an excuse for myself.

He nodded again.

I didn't close my eyes for a damn second for the next fifty minutes. If it hadn't been this ridiculous and frustrating, I would've laughed. But I was just confused. Confused and excited and trembling with Kihyun right next to me. I didn't know if he was sleeping but whenever I turned my head to the left, I was able to feel his breath against my neck. I let my head stay like this. I liked it.

Knowing that he was right next to me made me feel calm and excited at the same time. It was like my wish to lie down next to him that I had been hiding for the last few weeks had finally been fulfilled. If this wasn't a problem for him, maybe we could spent more time like this. Maybe I would finally gather the courage and just do it. I mean, it was obviously normal for him to do this with a friend, right?

The only problem was that I definitely wouldn't get a second of sleep if we were to spent the night like this. Although I was tired and the room wasn't even this bright as it had begun to rain a few minutes ago, the sound of the drops hitting our window creating a lullaby, I wasn't able to fall asleep, not wanting to miss a second of Kihyun's breath on my skin and at the same time being too excited to even process anything that was going on.

My heart was racing in my chest like it was trying to jump out and I was almost certain Kihyun had to hear it. It sounded like an explosion in my ears. Maybe because my body wasn't able to balance the two extremes anymore that were growing stronger - the wish to just throw the bed sheets off me and somehow get out before I could do anything dumb (but what exactly?), and the desire creating a undescribable mess in the pit of my stomach to just ... do something ... something incredibly dumb and oh my god why was I even thinking this and why was there this knot in my chest that was hurting every second I reminded myself it was absolutely impossible that ...

"Oh my god", I breathed out, searching for some way to get something, whatever it was, out of my body before it would kill me alive. Never before I had felt an urge so contradictory in every imaginable way ...

Something tugged on my sleeve beneath the sheets. I turned around.

Kihyun didn't look like he had been sleeping but how would I know? He signaled me with one hand to give him his phone that was placed on his nightstand.

_**Did you have a nightmare?**_ , he tiped before showing me the display.

"No", I answered carefully. "It was ... it was actually a nice dream. Just ... very confusing."

_**What was it about?** _

"Y ... Yeah, it was about something beautiful, I don't quite remember. What time is it?", I stuttered.

He showed me the clock. "Already six?"

_**Do you want to go eat something?** _

"Sure."

Kihyun was still trying to get my sweater over his head when we met Jooheon and Hyunwoo in the hallway. The former was shooting me a glance like he was trying to ask something without actually speaking, but I just shrugged. I couldn't even exactly understand myself why I had just run away at lunch. 

The only thing that was able to distract me from staring at Kihyun from afar when we were eating was Jooheon's statement: "You know what, I'm going to ask Seoyeon out tomorrow."

The others were just staring at him in shock while I was trying to balance half a potato between my chopsticks. There were several ways to avoid thinking about feelings, and I felt like I had become a master in every single one of them ever since Kihyun had entered my life. He had introduced me to various new ways of avoiding a topic, trying not to look a someone, controlling your racing heartbeat or rather successfully supressing feelings.

Emphasis on rather.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I actually did sleep that night, because when Kihyun came out of the bathroom, he lied down in his bed instead of mine and I didn't have the courage to slip under his sheets. Still, it was a very light and short sleep because I tended to overthink everything that didn't fit the norm, and with Kihyun, there was a mass of things that fell into that category.

I hadn't actually thought Jooheon would make his announcement reality, but it was the next morning, a Saturday, when a knock on our door made both Kihyun and me look up in surprise. Kihyun had been sitting at his desk, various sheets, books and folders spread out in front of him. I had just come out of the shower and was still trying to get the winkles out of my tshirt. Thankfully, the caretaker or whoever was responsible for the heaters had decided we had been suffering enough, so our room was finally at an adequate temperature.

I was still unsuccessfully trying to dry my wet hair with a towel when I opened the door and immediately stopped. "Huh?"

"Look, it's an emergency code red", Wonho announced, leaning on the doorframe. "Red. A bright red. A screaming red. Imagine a red so bright it screams into your face."

Minhyuk next to him - the two of them looked like twins with their bright hair and the posture they shared with propping themselves on the frame - aggressively nodded like he was trying to show he shared Wonho's opinion even though he probably didn't have a clue what the other was talking about.

"Let me guess, it's about your clothing? What you're going to wear today?"

"Exac--- wait, what?" Wonho looked annoyed for a second. "No, of course not. It's about Jooheon. He turned up at our room approximately two minutes ago and said we should get ready because he was going to visit Seoyeon at the restaurant to ask her out."

"And?"

"And of course we don't want to get ready and we don't want to go to the restaurant! We're tired and we just want to sleep." I let my glance wander over their clothes and only now noticed that both were still in their pajamas. "He told us that you advised him to just ask her out. So we think it's your responsibilty to help him overcome his anxiety."

I sighed. "Are you serious?"

"You know Jooheon, he is so afraid of everything he's never done", Wonho stated. Approving nodding from Minhyuk.

"Okay", I gave up quicker than I would've normally but there wasn't much to say considering I was already dressed and they weren't and it somehow really was my fault. "What about Hyungwon?"

"Are you seriously asking that?", Wonho laughed. "I tried to wake him up, he tried to slap me and I came to the conclusion that it's probably healthier to just let him sleep."

"Sounds plausible", I laughed and nodded once again. "Okay. When is he leaving?"

"He said he wants to catch her after her shift, so in about five minutes? God Changkyun, I didn't know you could be this convincing."

I shrugged. "I just told him he should ask her out. Why always wait? Also, I really think she likes him back. They're perfect for each other."

"Tell me how it went later", Wonho said and yawned. "I think it's time for us to go to bed again, right, Minhyuk?" Nodding. "Good night."

I closed the door behind them as soon as they had disappeared out of sight. Kihyun, who had turned around to witness the scene, tilted his head questioningly.

"Hey, it's your fault for making me notice the tension between them", I laughed and he grinned, laying his index finger against his lips and dragging it down to his chin like he was telling me to be quiet about something. _**Sweet.**_

"I really think Seoyeon likes him", I thought out loud while opening my side of the closet to get a hold of my jacket. "I'm incredibly oblivous about things concerning love but after your comment it was pretty obvious, honestly."

The cloth of my jacket beneath my fingers suddenly felt a lot warmer, as I noticed what I had just said. Unconsciously, I had summarized everything I had been thinking about last night. Since Jooheon's statement about crushes, I had begun to ask myself if maybe I had felt like this before without noticing. Was it even possible to crush on someone without knowing it? It wasn't something you actively decide to do, but wasn't it something you should be conscious about?

As soon as I had closed the closet door, Kihyun was already signing like he had been waiting for me to look at him. With the side of his right hand, he touched the palm of his left two times - _**already**_ -, before pointing at me - _**you**_. With index finger and thumb he formed half a rectangle and let his hand lower next to his body - _**person**_. Lastly, he held the back of his hand against his nose and mouth like he was trying to smell something - _**like a lot**_.

_**Have you ever liked someone a lot before?** _

I felt like all breath was suddenly leaving my body. Sometimes I had the impression Kihyun could read my thoughts because he always asked or talked about things I had been thinking about. Not even lying, I just shrugged, forming a circle with index finger and thumb and laying it against my forehead. I don't know. A careful movement in his direction. _**You?**_

He stared at me for one second before showing his thumb. _**Once.**_

I was still trying to put on my jacket which seemed to be a more difficult task than first expected. Maybe just because I was contemplating on asking the question that was laying on my tongue. Scolding myself why I was even nervous about something as casual as that, I pointed at him, grabbed the air while showing him the back of my hand, repeated the sign for person and made the knuckles of my fists touch two times while spreading my thumbs.

_**Are you and the person a couple?** _

This time Kihyun didn't hesitate with his answer. Lowering his head, he smiled a bit and then shaked his index finger before turning his hand so the palm was facing his chest and shaking his hand once more.

The first sign meant no, but I didn't know the second. Not wanting to ask him because it probably was just a basic sign also meaning no, I just nodded and finally managed to successfully put on my jacket. Grabbing my phone from my desk, I hesitated a moment before I raised my voice (as my vocabulary was still awfully tiny): "Do you want to come with me?"

He looked up from his notes. _**Are you sure?**_

"Yeah, why not? You look like you could use a break from calculus", I laughed and let my glance wander over his face. He didn't really look like it. One thing I had learned about him in the span of just a few weeks was how flawlessly he looked whatever he was doing. Even when sleeping, he resembled an angel. While my face was often decorated with dark circles at the end of the semester, his eyes always sparkled and his hair was always soft. His dyed brown hair had already washed out a bit and was darker now, forming a perfect contrast to his pale skin.

His lips immediately formed a smile, silently laughing a bit. _**Okay.**_

"Jooheon just needs someone to walk him so he doesn't die out of excitement or turn around. I surely won't stand next to him when he talks to Seoyeon. He just needs that psychological support, you know?" I chuckled. "It's cute that he's so excited."

Somehow I felt really happy that Jooheon had decided to visit Seoyeon. Maybe not only because of him but because I was selfish and wanted to spend time with Kihyun. I would've never thought it would be so easy to be friends with someone who didn't talk, but admittingly, Kihyun also made it easy for me.

When we were already on the verge of leaving the room, I quickly ran back and opened my closet to take out a second jacket. Kihyun looked at me confused, but his expression turned into gratefulness once I had placed the jacket over his shoulders. His fingertips against his chin were solely there to convey a thank you, but I had learned to notice a lot of things involved in that movement - the gentleness and softness in his actions, how the speed he was signing in told me how serious his words were to be meant, and how his facial expression could contribute so much to a single tilt of his fingers. When he wasn't hesitating but just plainly showing his emotions, I didn't even need the signs. His eyes and the corners of his lips told me a thank you as grateful as the movement of his hand. Nonetheless, I followed said movement with my eyes until his fingers had fulfilled their purpose. Kihyun had beautiful hands, something I probably would have never noticed about someone else.

But with him, there were a lot of things I noticed. And the way he hid his face beneath the collar of my jacket was definitely one of those that made a shiver roll down my spine.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And you are sure she likes me?"

"I can't guarantee you a yes but I think so, yeah."

"And what does Kihyun say?"

I looked over at Kihyun, who was signing in Jooheon's direction.

"He says you should trust him and that she likes you."

Walking between Kihyun and Jooheon, I had somehow come to accept my role as a translator. Knowing I could understand what he was saying, Kihyun felt a lot more comfortable about signing in the presence of others than he had in the first few weeks. Although I still had my problems with a lot of words, I was getting better and could easily follow his sentences as long as he was signing them at an adequate speed.

"I hope it doesn't begin to rain", Jooheon said while looking up at the sky. "I originally planned to ask her if she wants to go eat icecream but if it rains that doesn't seem like the best option."

"You can still eat icecream", I responded. "There's no weather for icecream and she doesn't seem like someone who would complain about something like that."

"Why am I so nervous?", Jooheon asked us and hid his face behind his hands. I just sighed, while Kihyun smiled. "Because you like her, you idiot."

It was cute to see Jooheon so excited. Normally, he was more like the cool guy, not letting anything destroy his attitude. Only since Kihyun had drawn my attention to his behaviour around Seoyeon I had been able to notice changes in his personality - suddenly, he was a lot more shy and self-conscious.

Kihyun and me were at least ninety-five percent sure Seoyeon liked him back. I didn't know how she behaved when Jooheon wasn't around as I hadn't known her before and whenever I met her she was with him, but I thought it was kind of obvious. Now we just had to hope for the best - and prevent Jooheon from tripping over the sidewalk and getting run over by a car, because he honestly looked like he was going to trip over something any second. He was pale and constantly chewing on his bottom lip. After we had crossed the street, I couldn't bear it anymore.

"Stop that", I scolded him and he looked at me surprised. "You don't want to have chapped lips when Seoyeon kisses you."

Kihyun had to laugh so hard he would've almost tripped if I hadn't tugged on his sleeve. Jooheon looked hilarious, but my glance was focused on Kihyun. I had become used to his laughs that were inaudible, however he managed not to make a sound while laughing. Sometimes I caught myself wishing to hear his voice, but immediately felt bad after. It was a selfish thought - but I couldn't help but wonder.

Once we arrived in front of the restaurant, I gave Jooheon a pat on the shoulder and tried to calm him down, before Kihyun and me left in the other direction. Other than originally planned, we entered a convenience store at the end of street, and hid behind a shelf with cup noodles because we were too curious how it would turn out. Additonally, it was all for Jooheon's best. For the unlikely possibility Seoyeon would turn him down, we would be there to catch him before he would hit the pavement.

After two minutes of Jooheon awkwardly standing around, we were able to see Seoyeon leaving the restaurant while searching for something in her bag. It seemed like she was surprised to see Jooheon when she noticed him standing outside the door, waiting for her. We weren't able to hear what they were talking about, but when a smile appeared on Jooheon's face that didn't seem fake, the first tension left us. A few seconds after, both of them were already walking away, talking and laughing.

I turned around to Kihyun and he gave me a high-five. Mission completed.

"God, I'm so relieved", I laughed when they had disappeared out of sight and propped myself on the shelf. "I was afraid I would have to spent the night trying to talk Jooheon out of possible suicide thoughts."

Kihyun just laughed and we agreed on going home as the clouds above our head were getting darker and darker by second. The convencience store was as empty as ever, only one lonely employee was counting bills behind the counter.

But we only managed to walk two or three steps until all hell broke loose - heavy raindrops falling down from the sky and drenching our clothes. The wind was so strong I had to shield my eyes to prevent my hair from blocking my sight. Wordlessly, I took Kihyun's hand and ran back into the store, him behind me.

It was the worst storm I had seen in quite a while. The trees on the other side of the road where leaning to the side as the wind took their leaves. All light seemed to had vanished, the sky was a dark grey now, blocking every possible ray of sunshine. It was loud, a constant hammering in our ears as wind and thunder were mixed together.

"How the hell could it get so bad this fast?", I asked, laying my hands against the store window that was ice cold beneath my fingertips after I had awkwardly noticed I had still been holding Kihyun's hand. "I hope Jooheon and Seoyeon are okay."

Before I could even turn around, my phone rang. I looked at Kihyun who was busy tiping something into his own.

_**Kihyun: < I bet they're somewhere safe. They have probably also seeked shelter in a store or something.>** _

"Hopefully." I looked out the window once more. A newspaper was flying around outside, being ripped in several pieces by the wind. "Looks like we're going to spend some time in here."

I followed Kihyun's movement and let myself sink to the floor, sitting down beside him and leaning with my back against a shelf with crackers and snacks.

_**Kihyun: < At least I don't have to do my calculus homework. >** _

I almost cracked up. Laughing, I tiped: _**< Good to know it has an advantage.  >**_

We spent a minute or so just sitting on the floor and looking outside. It really didn't look like it was going to get better any soon. A glance to the counter told me the cashier had also vanished, probably he was doing something in the back of the store. I couldn't see anyone else around. It felt like Kihyun and me were separated from the rest of the world in this little convenience store.

Being too lazy to speak, I just completely switched to tiping into my phone.

_**< What are you going to do in the holidays?  >** _

_**< Not too much. I'm staying here, so I'll probably just study and watch dramas while consuming a load of junk food.  >** _

_**< Really? You're staying at the dorm? Omg I'm happyyy  >** _

_**< What, why? Because I can protect our precious belongings from thieves that break into our dorm in the middle of the night?  >** _

_**< If that is an allusion to our first encounter, it's NOt FuNNy. I'm embarrassed. But IF there is a thief a lamp really seems like the right weapon. Trust me, it's heavy  >** _

_**< And no, not because of that - I'm staying myself. Like every holiday  >** _

_**< Why don't you visit your family?  >** _

I hesitated a little with my answer.

_**< My family ... it's not like I don't love my mom but she can be very exhausting sometimes. I dread the summer because then I have to go home. As long as I can avoid it I'm staying here  >** _

_**< I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked  >** _

_**< No no no, it's fine okay? You can ask me anything. Why are you staying?  >** _

_**< My aunt is on a business trip for the next two months so there isn't anyone I could stay with  >** _

_**< So you're living with your aunt?  >** _

_**< Yeah  >** _

_**< And ... your parents?  >** _

_**< I don't want to talk about them  >** _

I didn't know what to answer. I knew parents could be a sensitive topic but I hadn't thought he would respond like that. Maybe they were also the reason why he had been so late for the schoolyear? That would've been one of my next questions that I still wanted to get the answer to but now I didn't dare to ask anymore.

When I saw he was tiping, I didn't know what to expect, but it was just one word: _**< Wait  >**_

Before I could even register the information, he had already stood up and disappeared behind a shelf. I was left sitting on the floor and staring out the window once more. Were his parents really a topic this sensitive? Although I was curious I would be careful not to talk about them anymore if he responded like this.

After a minute or two, he came back again, this time with several things in his hands at which I was staring surprised.

Signing, pointing at me and moving his fists like he was shivering, he said: _**You're cold.**_

Before I could protest, he had already handed me two heat packs and a blanket that was wrapped in packaging. Sitting down beside me once more, he teared the packaging open and tucked me in the blanket so fast I couldn't even blink.

The last thing he had bought was a bag full of crisps he was now placing between us.

_**< You lied beside me when I was cold so look at this like a way of paying you back  >** _

I didn't know how to respond. It was like I was overwhelmed with information and emotions and didn't know how to express any of them. I had noticed this happening to me whenever I was around Kihyun, but this time it was especially bad. I just managed to tipe a weak: _**< You can always be close to me if you're cold  >**_

I learned a lot of things about Kihyun that day, as we were trapped inside this little convenience store for two hours. That his favorite colours were yellow and green, that he knew how to play piano, that he liked too many novels to name a favorite, that he not only forgot jackets and pencils but also telephone numbers and addresses, that he was horrible with calculus but great with languages, that he was always cold and that he obviously hadn't the slightest problem with physical contact because after a few minutes we both ended up under the blanket, sharing the food and warm packs.

When I told him I liked chocolate icecream and he promised me to buy some because it was his favorite, too, I was close to tiping something in my phone - that only remained as an unsent message in my mind in the end.

-

_**< You never have to apologize for getting close to me when you're cold, because whenever you're around everything gets so warm I need something to remind me I'm not becoming crazy  >** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading!  
> Kihyun seems to dislike speaking about his parents and we'll soon find out why ...  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> This chapter it's time for holidays but before, Changkyun has to make yet the biggest discovery.  
> Thank you for reading in advance!

"I'm sure you'll do great", I whispered in Kihyun's direction, who was sitting next to me and flipping through his notes for the tenth time in a few minutes. Lowering my glance onto his lap, I could see his hands were trembling the tiniest bit; something he would've denied if I had mentioned it. He had reassured me he wasn't nervous at all, but his body was saying something different.

He smiled a bit in my direction, his lips tinted a light pink. A quick tilt of his fists away from his chest was his only response. _**I hope so.**_

_Fact #433 about Yoo Kihyun: Being as shy as him, he almost dies before doing a presentation but still refuses to admit that._

It wasn't like I was actually counting facts. But there still was this little list in my mind that contained every information I had received about him. Things he had actively told me and things I had just gotten out of the context. It allowed me to see things he couldn't express with signs, and told me what to do in a situation.

Or at least, it should be able to tell me what to do - but forget that. I was as useless as ever. Side fact about myself: Don't talk to me when you're nervous because your nervousness will automatically transfer to me what means I'll be even more nervous than you and probably manage to make us both faint.

But I just knew Kihyun didn't have to be nervous. He was the only one in a room full of students who was fluent in sign language and even better than the teacher. He had practised in front of the mirror the whole weekend, while I had been lying on the bed, listening to music and trying to study chemistry as the exam I had missed because of my cold was on Friday.

I anxiously looked at him, not knowing what to say to make him calm down. Like I said, I wasn't very good at reassuring people. I always felt awkward because my words probably wouldn't change anything in the first place.

Luckily, my thoughts were interrupted by Mrs Lee who was ready to start the class. After several lessons, she was able to greet us in sign language and explain basic things without having to speak. I had quickly learned it was actually a great way to make students pay attention - there was no chatting when she was signing because she would've heard and everybody had to look at her in order not to miss anything she was saying.

Nonetheless, my mind wandered off elsewhere while my eyes were focusing on her gestures. The room was dimmed, a consequence of the bad weather. Since the big storm on Saturday that had locked Kihyun and me in the convenience store for a few hours, the sun hadn't appeared once. I wasn't in the position to complain as I liked stormy weather and rain, but it somehow made me a lot more tired. It was harder to stand up in the morning, but strangely enough it stayed hard for me to fall asleep in my own bed every night.

Kihyun's profile looked like a black and white photo. I couldn't help but letting my glance focus on him instead of Mrs Lee. It was like someone had taken him out of a history book, or drawn a very realistic portrait. Kihyun had told me he wasn't very good at drawing, but I refused to believe that. He seemed like an art person. Maybe because he himself somehow reminded me of art.

Unfortunately, my focus was suddenly interrupted by Kihyun's sign: _**Yes.**_

Only when he was already about to stand up I understood that it was his turn to hold his presentation now. I wanted to wish him luck once more, to take his hand, but was left sitting there with my mouth slightly opened, staring at my notebook. Where did these thoughts come from, I asked myself, as my hand formed a fist under the table. Not only was it strange to think about something like this all the time, but I would also embarrass Kihyun by just taking his hand in front of the class. Maybe I had held it when we had run to the store, or maybe we were close whenever we were laying in each other's bed, but actively holding his hand was something entirely else ... something I didn't even know why I was thinking about in the first place.

I tried to focus on his presentation but my mind wandered elsewhere. Sign language needed a lot of concentration in order to follow what someone was talking about, and I could see Kihyun was trying to slow down so everyone could understand him, but the movements of his hands were still blurry in my eyes. It were words I had mostly already learned, feelings and emotions he was just quickly explaining. Showing the sign for sadness and then the sign for crying, he tried to convey the meaning.

Sadness, anger, happiness, excitement, nervousness, fear, gratefulness, and love. I was relieved the others were silent while he explained those words. I couldn't help but wonder how he made it look so easy, so smooth and silky like honey dripping down on your skin. For the first time in a while I asked myself if he had never spoken or had just stopped at some point. But if that was the case, when and why? It must have been a pretty serious decision considering he had mastered sign language perfectly, as if he never planned on speaking ever again.

It made me sad. No matter how beautifully he expressed himself, the thought that there had been something bad enough to make him decide to stop using his voice was horrible. It was a punch with a needle in my heart each time someone said something funny and his mouth formed a smile, but was silent. I had never known him differently, and I didn't want him to be different, but I felt sad. The first few times I had tried to laugh silently, too, like it wasn't right to use my voice around him, but I had noticed he felt more comfortable if I laughed loudly, as if me learning sign language for him was already too much of a dedication.

I tried to laugh so loud I wouldn't notice he wasn't.

The first one to actually use his voice this lesson was, you could've guessed, Doyoung. Although he had let go of Kihyun and me the past few weeks, I had been able to feel his dirty glances on us whenever we passed him in the hallway or entered the classroom. I just prayed he wouldn't use this as an opportunity to hurt Kihyun. My knuckles had already healed and I wouldn't mind using my fist against him one more time.

Kihyun had just ended his presentation when Doyoung raised his hand. I could see his glance fall on Doyoung, being unpleasantly surprised. He looked like he would've rather ignored Doyoung but he wasn't allowed to. A quick nod in his direction and Doyoung asked: "I have a question. What does to be rejected mean?"

There wasn't any noticable change in Kihyun's facial expression, but I was confused and Mrs Lee seemed to be, too. Doyoung wasn't able to insult Kihyun in front of her, so was this some secret bullying or what?

"What does this have to do with the topic of this presentation, Doyoung?", Mrs Lee asked and Doyoung just shrugged, but I could see the hint of a smirk on his lips. His eyes were squinted like he was planning something, but he always looked like this - idiotic and rude.

"Do you know the sign, Kihyun?", she asked and Kihyun just nodded, still staring at Doyoung. And then I was able to notice something in his glance I had never seen before. Was he ... was he angry?

Anger was an emotion Kihyun had never shown. Admittingly, it was hard to argue in sign language with one person being fluent and the other a beginner, and we had never had anything to argue about in the first place, but I would've noticed him being annoyed by something by a look in his eyes. I never had. But now, he seemed to be seriously angry.

"Hey, be quiet!", Mrs Lee scolded two girls in the front row who had began to chat as soon as Doyoung had ended the silence. Both just looked away and secretly rolled their eyes as soon as Mrs Lee wasn't looking anymore, but Kihyun had used the second of being unobserved to sign in Doyoung's direction.

Showing both of his palms to Doyoung, he tilted his hands away from his body, pointed at himself and let his right hand with his palm facing his body lower while making a fist except for his index finger that was showing. Lastly, he raised his right hand, laying his fingers against each other and making a movement that looked like he was wiping over half his forehead two times.

It was the quickest he had ever signed and it reassured me once more the speed of his movements played an important role in conveying his emotion, just like me speaking calmly or screaming. Even if Doyoung didn't know any sign language, his face and last movement clearly showed he wasn't explaining vocabulary to him.

_**Leave me alone, you idiot.** _

Mrs Lee hadn't see it, but seemed to be in a hurry to go on with the material, so she didn't ask him to repeat it. As a response to her question if Doyoung had gotten his answer, Doyoung just nodded, looking at Kihyun furiously like he was trying to murder him just by staring.

When Kihyun sat down next to me again and Mrs Lee went on with the class, I noticed a second time how much I had learned about his behaviour in the last few weeks, or rather months. The way he was grabbing a pencil and drawing vertical and horizontal lines all over a paper told me he had problems to keep his anger to himself.

I asked myself if something had happened between him and Doyoung that I hadn't noticed. But Kihyun would've told me, right? He knew Doyoung was kind of my enemy and I would protect him if Doyoung ever tried to do something. Had there really been a hidden message in Doyoung's question? But it had been a normal question, except for the fact it didn't quite suit the topic. Maybe I was just overreacting and Kihyun was only annoyed because Doyoung had pretended to have interest in his language when he clearly didn't.

Nonetheless, I couldn't help but worry. My first observation about Kihyun's puppy eyes that I would maybe never forget was still so present in my head. Kihyun seemed strong and confident enough to protect himself from idiotic bullies like Doyoung, but for me he still represented something fragile. And it wasn't just because of his voice.

At least Doyoung didn't take any more attempts to bother us this lesson. Kihyun still didn't stop with his lines drawn criss-cross all over his notes, and I asked myself if he thought I had understood his words. My skills were enough to. But then I scolded myself once more for self-focused thoughts. Why did I always ask myself what Kihyun thought about me?

I decided to let the topic about Doyoung drop when we packed our bags at the end of the lesson and left the classroom. We shouldn't even pay attention to someone who clearly behaved like this because he wanted some. In a few days, autumn holidays would begin and we would have a break from him.

Since Kihyun had told me he would stay in the dorm for the holidays, I was in a mood between excitement, happiness and fear. The latter because I would've liked to spent every free second with Kihyun, but I didn't know his thoughts about that. I probably shouldn't make plans for us both or start imagining things without asking him. Maybe he wanted to do things alone. I mean, then I would just do something by myself, too ... no problem ...

The right moment to ask him was probably after school, I thought, when I was stuffing my school books into my locker. Kihyun was leaning against the wall and reading something on his phone. A novel, I remembered our conversation from yesterday. He was always reading. I already planned to buy him some books for his birthday in November. Hopefully all the exams would be done before that so he wouldn't have so much to study ...

My thoughts were interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. I closed my locker and turned around to look at Kihyun. He raised his phone so I could read something on the display.

It was our group to which he had been added a long time ago. The name had been changed several times. Currently it was _**97 hours until we escape hell**_. And yes, Hyungwon really counted the hours and changed the name a few times a day.

_**MarriedToRamen: < Okay so we have a rEAL PROBLEM with SoMEONE in this group here >** _

_**Hyungwwwaitasec: < ??? >** _

_**MarriedToRamen: < Joohyeon (and yes, that's on purpose!!) refuses to tell me what happened on Saturday ugh >** _

_**Minshine: < I want to know. Tell us. There is no way out Jooheonie :) >** _

_**TeddyBear: < On Sunday he just ran around like a smiling idiot. He was gone the whole day and when he came back he immediately slept >** _

_**Minshine: < He didn't even turn up for breakfast this morning! >** _

_**TeddyBear: < He was in the shower when I left and told me he would be late and I should leave without him >** _

_**MarriedToRamen: < He had everything planned out o_O >** _

_**Hyungwwwaitasec: < omg you're so scary. EVERYONE of you. Are you the FBI or what? >** _

_**MarriedToRamen: < drastic things like this call for drastic measures!! >** _

_**Minshine: < Hah! I can see he is online!!! >** _

_**MarriedToRamen: < I KNOW YOU SAW THIS JOOHEON >** _

I had to laugh looking at the messages. "God, I wish Jooheon would just tell us everything. Well, yesterday on Sunday he was gone and in all the classes I had with him today he just smiled at me when I asked him about Seoyeon but he didn't give me any details ..."

Kihyun just smiled like he seemed to be amused and I defended myself: "Hey, it's just normal curiosity! We gave him our support and he won't even tell us if they're dating or already a couple or whatever ..."

I was interrupted by the sound of a new message coming in. Kihyun tilted his phone so we could both read it at the same time.

_**AegyoKing: < I'm sorry, I was so busy on the weekend because of stuff I'm going to explain. I didn't turn up in the cafeteria because I still had to do homework for math class or Mr Choi is going to KILL me >** _

_**AegyoKing: < And I didn't tell anyone anything because I wanted to tell all of you at once >** _

_**AegyoKing: < Do we meet at the fountain now? School's over for everyone right? >** _

_**MarriedToRamen: < To make me forgive you you will have to tell me the most beautiful love story I've ever heard, just saying >** _

_**Hyungwwaitasec: < The most beautiful lovestory is you and ramen >** _

_**MarriedToRamen: < ... true >** _

Maybe Kihyun wasn't quite as curious as me, what was almost impossible to be fair, but we immediately made our way to the little garden with the fountain. I really wished for the best for Jooheon and Seoyeon, and everything indicated they were dating, but you could never be sure.

Jooheon, Wonho and Hyungwon were already there. Wonho was focused on bombarding Jooheon with questions, who just laughed and told him to wait. Hyungwon next to them wasn't even looking at Jooheon, but observed Wonho who was all excited. It seemed like he was more interested in what Wonho looked like while being so hyper than in Jooheon's story.

Silently, Kihyun and I took our place in the grass next to the fountain, but only after I had given Jooheon a friendly slap against his upper arm. "I know it went good because you were smiling at her but I don't have anything against a bit more information."

Jooheon laughed. He had this happy aura around him that immediately told me there really wasn't anything to worry about. Jooheon was a book to read. If there had been something bothering him I would've noticed. Not to mention that he probably would've turned up in the middle of the night on Saturday to cry against my sweatshirt.

"Why don't you guys worry about your own relationships?", Jooheon asked and threw a glance and Kihyun and me before turning to Wonho and Hyungwon. Wonho just shrugged. "Because we don't have relationships, quite obviously."

Jooheon smiled and murmured something under his breath that sounded like "Yeah, sure" but Wonho was already back at asking him about every detail his mind could possibly imagine. Fortunately, Jooheon was saved after a few seconds as Minhyuk and Hyunwoo turned up. They were chatting about something from school and Minhyuk was laughing so hard Hyunwoo had to support him to prevent him from falling down.

As soon as Minhyuk noticed Jooheon, he left Hyunwoo's side and ran up to us, grabbing Jooheon's hand and kneeling down in front of him like he was about to propose: "Please, tell us everything. Everything. I'm so desperate for some true love stories."

"You don't have to look very long to find one", Jooheon just answered but finally sighed and gave up. With six curious and impatient teenage boys around him, what choice did he have?

I let Wonho take the part of interrupting Jooheon with questions and instead just listened while I was leaning against the backside of the fountain, Kihyun leaning against me while playing with the sleeves of my sweater.

"So, I asked her out to go eat icecream with me. And she was very surprised to see me there, waiting for her and asking her that, but she said yes ---"

"Oh my god."

"And then we wanted to go eat icecream, but of course there had to be a storm and we didn't even make it. We were able to wait inside a clothing store. We talked about this and that and after a few hours we were so bored we began trying on clothes just to look ridiculous." Jooheon smiled. "And then I saw she had picked a dress so I quickly grabbed a suit."

"Is my heart going to take this?", Wonho asked cautiously.

"And when we came out we just had to laugh because the suit was way too small for me. But I still managed to kneel down in front of her. And then I apologized that my idea had been ruined by the storm and we were now trapped in there. And I asked her if she wanted to date me."

"I'm not going to survive this, Hyungwon. Hold my hand. Call an ambulance."

Hyungwon just rolled his eyes and gave Wonho his hand to hold onto.

"And she said she wanted to, but only under one condition. Only if it was acceptable for me to kiss her before our first date."

Minhyuk looked like he was about to faint and even Kihyun had stopped playing with the sleeves.

"And well, so I did."

"You did what?"

"Kiss her."

Wonho and Minhyuk's whimpers like they were in serious pain were the only audible sound. Hyunwoo and Hyungwon looked satisfied but at the same time so done with the other two I almost laughed. Turning my head, I looked at Kihyun, expecting him to be smiling or looking at Jooheon, waiting for the story to continue.

But he was looking at me, his eyes focused on mine, but his glance almost immediately shifting once I also looked at him. He seemed to blush a little, although I didn't really understand why. What was so embarrassing about me catching him staring at me? I looked at him all the time and thought it was quite cute ... like him in general.

"You know, Jooheon, there is a fine line of adorableness nobody should cross. It is painful to hear something so precious. I feel like my heart is going to implode", Wonho complained and sighed once more. "That is so beautiful. So you're really a couple now?"

"Yeah", Jooheon responded, a wide smile decorating his face. "I couldn't be happier. She has double shift at the restaurant now so she's not here if that's your next question but I also think it would've been quite embarrassing to tell this story in front of her."

"Nothing is really embarrassing when you like someone, it just feels like it is", I responded and Jooheon looked at me surprised. "I thought you didn't know anything about that kind of things?"

Now it was my turn to blush a bit. Trying to hide my hot cheeks, I began to play with one of my earrings, making my hand cover my face. "I don't."

His glance shifted to Kihyun. "Thank you for your psychological support", he laughed. "And don't even pretend you didn't hide in the convenience store. Serves you right that you were trapped in there for stalking me."

Kihyun and I tried protesting, but there was no excuse. Wonho and Minhyuk carried on asking questions about Seoyeon, while I watched Kihyun try to braid a few blades of grass. He looked like he was thinking about something, and that assumption proved itself when he looked up.

His hands were playing music in the air. _**You've already liked someone a lot**_. It wasn't a question like the last time, but rather a statement. I furrowed my eyebrows.

_**I really don't know.** _

He just smiled. _**Trust me. You've already liked someone.**_

Because of what I had said? Kihyun was already occupied with braiding again, so I let the topic drop. But the question lingered in my head for a long time after that. Sometimes I wished I would be able to read my own emotions like I was able to read Kihyun's facial expression. Maybe I should just start to take a mirror with my whereever I went.

After a few minutes, the relationship topic slowly disappeared, and instead we began talking about the upcoming holidays. As it was already obvious by the name of our group chat, everyone of us was desperate for a break. The last few weeks had been packed with exams and we just wanted to rest a bit.

Like I had already expected, nobody except Kihyun and me would be in the dorm. I couldn't prevent the little spark of happiness in my stomach as my speculation became reality. Normally, I was the guy that wanted to do stuff with all my friends, I didn't want to exclude anyone from going to the cinema, the bookstore or even the convenience store. But somehow, with Kihyun ... it was like I wanted to have him just for myself. I was scared of myself for speaking this thought out loud in my head.

"Wonho and me are going home", Hyungwon announced and Wonho added: "That sounds like we live in the same city. I wish we did. Holidays are going to be so boring, no one lives close to me!"

"Hyunwoo lives pretty close to me but still ...", Minhyuk said. "I'm not really keen on going home."

I remembered my conversation with Minhyuk at the beginning of the school year when we had been in the bookstore. Why had his parents sent him here? Because of grades and ... something else he hadn't wanted to tell me. It probably also wasn't the right situation to ask him now. Maybe he would tell me someday, but even if he didn't, I had no problems understanding him.

"It's not even home for me", Hyunwoo laughed. "I met Minhyuk when we moved here, what was like, maybe 3 or 4 weeks before I came here? I probably won't even remember where the bathroom is."

"I'm so happy Seoyeon lives rather close to me", Jooheon stated. "I mean it's one and a half hour per bus but that's okay. The scarier thing is that I'm probably going to meet her parents this early. If I don't come back to school, you all know what happened."

"At least you have a little entertainment", Wonho said while looking at Kihyun and me. "I think there won't be many people here. You'll basically have the dorm for yourself, and even better, no annoying parents that tell you to stop playing videogames at midnight."

"Well, we don't even have a computer to play videogames on", I laughed. "I'm probably just going to sleep like twenty hours everyday."

I didn't say anything about me wishing to spent those twenty hours not in my own bed, but in Kihyun's, preferably with him right next to me.

For the rest of our conversation, my mind not only focused on this topic, but also on several others, each one concerning Kihyun or the holidays. I didn't actually plan to just sleep the whole day ... maybe we would be able to go eat icecream or watch a movie or just do anything that was fun.

When our little group split up as the sky was slowly turning darker, Kihyun and I shouldered our bags and climbed up the staircase to our dormroom. I could see the exhaustion in his eyes and I myself felt pretty tired. Mondays were especially tiring and stressful because sign language class was so late in the afternoon. I asked myself how it would be in the winter because then it would already be pitch black outside once class would've ended.

Kihyun would definitely be even colder than he was now. I would have to be careful so he wouldn't catch a cold. Maybe I should start carrying a scarf with me. I was still thinking about ways to keep Kihyun warm when we finally reached our dorm room. We had put the heater on the maximum, so it was rather warm inside.

"Do you want to shower first?", I asked Kihyun as I could already see he was shivering a bit. Gratefully, he smiled and nodded. Placing his bag next to his desk, he took off his jacket. He was almost about to close the bathroom door behind him, when I said: "Wait."

He turned around again and looked at me questioningly. I didn't quite know why I had told him to wait and now I was just standing there, in the middle of our room, anxiously biting on my bottom lip. There were a hundred questions I would've liked to ask, but only one seemed appropriate: "Do you ... you know, want to do something with me in the holidays? I don't know what yet, but ... yeah ... like ... spending ..." I swallowed. "time together?"

Kihyun seemed to ignore my nervous stammering and just smiled. _**Sure.**_

I laughed, relieved about his answer. _**Okay.**_

I really thought too much about everything.

Or maybe just about him.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The last week before the autumn holidays was known to be a busy one, but someone who had just heard about it without experiencing it himself clearly had to be at a loss for words.

I didn't know if Kihyun was, obviously, but if he was, he didn't let it show. He was a very calm and collective person, always looking for the positive things and not letting something stress him out so easily. I was the opposite - the whole load of last minute assignments and the chemistry test I had to take on Friday laid like a heavy block of metal on my shoulders.

To my comfort, everyone else was as hyper as me. Even if the others didn't show it by talking about pointless things like a waterfall or murmuring "Please just kill me" at least three times per hour like I did, the shadows under their eyes and the messily scribbled notes about different subjects betrayed them. Kihyun and me had to cancel our nightly sessions and instead sat down at our desks to study. If I had luck, Kihyun would know something I didn't and we would spent a few minutes lying on his bed, leaning over a textbook while he was sending me a row of messages and showing me paragraphs that were responding to his explanations. It was the first time I was actually glad I was bad at chemistry.

Lunch breaks and dinner weren't about chatting and telling jokes anymore, but instead everyone tried their best to have someone help them with their assignments. I wrote the table of contents for Wonho's English essay while he helped me with my Korean one, and assisted Minhyuk and Hyunwoo with history as we had already covered that material.

On Thursday evening I had everything I had to give in gathered and just prayed for Friday to be over quick. I was pretty anxious considering chemistry was one of my weakest subjects. When Kihyun was ready to go to bed and got under his blankets, I was still reading over my notes.

He knocked on the bedframe to get my attention and once I had turned around, he pointed at me and let the back of his hand lower from his armpit to his ribs. _**You're tired**_. Pointing with his index finger upwards while showing he the side of his hand, he let his hand draw a quarter circle downwards before laying his palm against his cheek and tilting his head. _**You have to sleep.**_

I quickly turned around again to hide the unavoidable smile that was creeping on my face. When I signed in front of a mirror I looked like a dying gozilla or something like that, but Kihyun managed to look so cute it hurt somewhere deep inside my chest. I was the same feeling I got from touching his hand or watching him. A pain I had somehow gotten addicted to.

I just turned off the light and closed my book. Kihyun was right, I should probably get some sleep or else I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open tomorrow.

But my plan didn't work out. As soon as the room was dark and everything silent, I felt the fear creeping up my spine. Nervously, I turned around and hid my face in the pillow. But the fabric became too warm after a few minutes, so I turned around again, and then on my back and to the right and to the left and ... I just couldn't fall asleep. My eyelids were heavy and I was constantly yawning, but something was keeping me awake.

After a bit of time, I could hear Kihyun's sheets moving and his steps in the floor. I wanted to whisper an apology because he was probably still awake just because I couldn't lay still for a minute, but I didn't have the chance. Other than I had expected, I suddenly felt a weight on my matress and Kihyun trying to get under the blankets. Confused, I lifted them so he could lay down, and asked: "What are you doing?"

I didn't get an answer, of course I didn't, considering it was pitch black and there was no phone or notebook within reach. I was worried my question had maybe sounded to harsh, like I didn't want him next to me, but then his hand was searching for something on the blanket. Once his fingers touched mine, I could feel them pressing down like he was waiting for some response.

Holding his hand wasn't something I hadn't imagined to do, but once it did it, my breath seemed to be caught in my throat. I noticed Kihyun's breath was a lot quicker than normal, but I didn't even have a chance to think about it. My eyes that had been so heavy finally closed and somehow the tension left my body with every second passing.

Facing each other and with our hands on the blanket, I fell asleep.

\------------------------------------------------

"Have a nice holiday!", I wished Mrs Jung who was packing my test papers into her bag. She looked up and quickly smiled at me. "You too, Changkyun."

I left the classroom, my hand tightly around the strap of my bag, biting down on my lip. As it was already a bit later than the normal end of classes, the school was almost deserted. Everyone seemed to have been in a hurry to get out of here like they would be locked in there for the next week if they didn't run away fast enough. Most of the students who weren't living in the dorm just took the normal bus at lunch time, whereas Jooheon and the others would pack their suitcases and leave this afternoon. I sighed because of various reasons, making my way to my locker to get my school books out of there. I would need them for the essays I had to write over the holidays.

Math, Korean, English, Literature, Chem--- No, I didn't need that anymore. Tossing the book to the back of my locker, the loud noise echoed in the hallway, but I didn't care. There wasn't anybody who would've heard anyway.

At least I had thought there wasn't. When I closed my locker, I could hear steps behind me and turned around, only to have the next sigh leave my body. God seemed to be playing games with me today.

"You aren't even insulting us?", Doyoung, who had come out of the bathrooms, laughed from behind me. "Have you become as mute as your little puppy?"

I was too depressed to respond. Maybe Doyoung noticed I wasn't even going to say anything because he just commented something sneerful and then finally left with his friends. I was able to hear their footsteps and the sound of the entrance door at the other end of the hallway being opened and closed, and only then relaxed. Not responding to his remarks as long as they didn't have anything to do with Kihyun seemed like the best option to me.

I stood a second in front of my locker, trying to gather my thoughts. Maybe I should just go to Wonho, Hyungwon and Minhyuk. But didn't they say something about watching a movie? Maybe Kihyun wanted to watch a movie. Kihyun ... I searched for my phone in the pocket of my trousers and looked at the clock. It was half past four, so maybe Kihyun was still with Mrs Lee for the sign language classes. As far as I knew, he hadn't said anything about the lesson being cancelled or him skipping. We hadn't anything planned for today anyway.

I shouldered my now much heavier bag and began to walk in the direction of the classroom.

Maybe, I thought, maybe I should have gone home. A few nights ago, my mom had sent me several messages asking if I was going to come home, although she should know. I never went home. I tried to express it nicely in my text, but I still felt like a horrible son. I tried to ignore that whenever I had school, which was a good excuse for not being in contact with my family, but when the holiday came up, the truth hit me like a rock that was thrown at me.

What would I do when I gratuated? I didn't know what to do with my life. I didn't want to go home. I didn't even know if my GPA would be enough to go to a good university. And who would pay for that university and an apartment? I would have to rely on my mom, but I knew she had financial problems anyway since my dad ... nothing was the same since my dad wasn't here anymore.

I didn't know why but everything seemed to crash down at me right then and there. It was always like this before the holiday. I knew I should make up with my mom for everything we had said to each other over the past few years, I should be a better and more responsible son, but it was like there was a barrier between me and her. Maybe someday we would be able to speak normally and have a mother-son-relationship that wasn't as broken ...

I tried to suppress those thoughts as I didn't even know where they came from all of a sudden. Maybe I avoided that topic so much, it sometimes just broke through. I should be positive and feel happy that Kihyun would be here together with me as holidays normally were just a mixture of guilt and sadness. I could think about my relationship with my mother another time. Even though I probably shouldn't be so ignorant, I just didn't have the nerves to confront it right now.

Throwing a glance through the windows into the classroom, I noticed confused it was empty. To make sure I wasn't missing anything, I slowly and carefully opened the door, but my first assumption was proved as right. There was nobody in the classroom we normally had sign language class in. Strange. It was half past four, maybe the class got cancelled after all?

I was almost a hundred percent sure Kihyun had his lessons here. Where else should he be?

I couldn't help but feel sad. Unconciously, Kihyun had become a source of happiness in my daily life, almost like a sugary drug I couldn't get enough of, and I felt the side effects whenever I wasn't able to see him.

Walking back to the entrance, I was already thinking about where he and the others could be, and decided to just go back to our dorm room to get rid of my school books before I would head to the cafeteria. My stomach was pretty empty, I noticed while I was turning left to the bathrooms. I had spent the lunch break studying for Chemistry. I wished I hadn't. Maybe I would have done better with food instead of just more incomprehensible formulas.

I came to the conclusion I probably looked like a zombie and shouldn't leave the school as long as I hadn't fixed my face. Opposite to the other students, I knew they wouldn't just lock me in here. Two years ago, Jooheon and I had detention on the last day of school and weren't allowed to leave until six p.m., so there shouldn't be any problem.

But when I opened the door to the boys' bathroom, I was greeted with a sight I hadn't expected. Kihyun was standing in front of the mirror, one hand fixing his hair while the other was washing his face with water. Only when he raised his head again, he saw me standing next to the door through the mirror.

His smile was tired when he waved at me and I furrowed my eyebrows. I myself was too exhausted to sign, so I just asked: "Hey. I looked for you in the classroom but you weren't there ... has the class already ended? Are you okay?"

I put my bag on the floor and walked up to him to wash my hands. I noticed his hair was a bit messy and the tie of his school uniform loose. I swallowed and felt my cheeks unconsciously heat up.

This time his smile seemed more sincere. With the side of his right hand he touched his chest two times before touching the palm of his left once. With his thumbs up, he formed half a circle in the air by turning his wrist in my direction. _**School ended earlier.**_

I nodded. So Mrs Lee had shown once she was a bit human. I mean, I didn't particulary have anything against her, she just could be annoying sometimes. Well, at least she wasn't that fond of Doyoung and his gang, what raised her in my ratings about sympathy ...

The thought about Doyoung let me stop my thoughts about Mrs Lee all of a sudden. Out of nowhere, I had to think about our encounter a few minutes ago, his angry expression on Monday in class and the fact that he had come out of the bathrooms just about ten minutes ago.

I quickly turned around. "You haven't met Doyoung, have you?"

Kihyun looked at me surprised, before his expression became normal again. _**No ... Why?**_

I felt a bit more relieved. "Just ... nothing. I'm too worried about everything right now." I sighed. "I'm sorry I don't ... that I don't sign, my brain is just too exhausted."

Kihyun's glance in the mirror softened. I didn't know if it was because I had said I was worried about him or because of something else. I had no problem admitting that. If Kihyun only knew how many times a day his face passed my mind, and in how many dreams he actually showed up, he would've been either very touched or extremely scared. Telling him I cared for him was nothing in that comparison, so for once the colour of my face didn't change.

Sadly, just a moment later, it did. I was still staring at him like I was waiting for something, and the loose tie around his neck made in increasingly hard to concentrate. Before I could prevent it, my fingers were already touching the soft cloth and fixing it. Kihyun's glance kept being fixated on me, but he seemed to have no problem with my action. He just laughed and let the fingertips of the spread fingers of his right hand touch the palm of his left two times before forming a circle with index finger and thumb while showing me the palm of his right hand. _**Did the test go well?**_

That was the question I had feared. Considering Kihyun had spent so much time explaining me stuff and I had had to cancel so many of our late night kdrama sessions, I felt so guilty and bad to admit it had been horrible. All the studying for nothing. I knew I could be honest with Kihyun and that he wouldn't judge me, but I didn't want him to think bad of me. What if he would think I was just plain stupid and too dumb to understand anything?

Anxiously, I shifted my glance onto the washbasin and shrugged while shaking my head at the same time. I didn't want to say anything, to speak it out loud. Sometimes I was grateful for the silence between me and Kihyun. We had learned to understand each other without words and he seemed to understand I didn't want to talk about it.

But instead of just letting the topic drop, he gently released my hands from gripping onto the water tap and turned me around to embrace me. For a second I was too surprised to react, but then I hugged him back. I wasn't one of those awkward half-hugs. We were too close for me to be relaxed but at the same time I just wanted to stay like this. Him being about the same height as me, I was able to feel his breath on my neck. Unconsciously, I held onto him tighter.

I can't quite remember how long we stayed like this. Every second I wanted to last passed twice as fast. After a bit of time, we both took half a step back. I could just hope I didn't look like a red tomato.

To my surprise, instead of signing, Kihyun searched for his phone in his pockets and began to type something. A few seconds later my own phone rang.

_**I have a surprise for you. Can you wait at the fountain? I just need a few minutes.** _

I looked at him with a questioning expression, but he just smiled at me. Without waiting for my answer, he grabbed his bag and left the bathroom. I turned around to hear his quick steps on the floor that sounded like he was running.

I didn't have any idea what that surprise would be, but with his hug I already felt better. It sounded ridiculous, that such a simple gesture could change my mood entirely, but Kihyun had that power about me. Kihyun admittingly had a lot of power about my actions and, more importantly, the things I felt. It was like he had just appeared in my story and taken my place as a protagonist, because everything seemed to revolve around him. Nothing like this had ever happened to me, and it felt strange to focus more on someone else than yourself.

The little garden was as abanoned as the whole school seemed to be. For the first time this week, the weather was a bit better and you could actually see the sun in the sky. It was still freezing cold and I closed my jacket as soon as I stepped outside, but the sunshine created a warm tickle on my skin.

I let my bag fall down on the grass next to the fountain and sat down on the cold stone, as the grass had become too wet to sit on. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I looked at my messages. In the group chat - which name had changed to _**omg finallyyy**_ \- the others were writing about when we would be saying goodbye to each other. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo had gone to the cinema, Jooheon was with Seoyeon and Wonho and Hyungwon were somewhere in the city to catch something to eat. They had agreed to meet here at the fountain, our normal place, in twenty minutes.

The selfish part of me once more wished Kihyun would be here early so we would have a bit of time for ourselves. Even though he had become a member of our group, I wanted to have him all by myself ... what sounded incredibly creepy but was nonetheless true.

I didn't have to wait too long for Kihyun to come back. After a few minutes, I could hear quick steps coming in my direction, and his figure appeared in the hallway to the staircase. He looked like he had been running the whole way, and he held a plastic bag in his hand that looked like it was from the convenience store.

When he reached me, he let himself fall down next to me and grinned widely, even though he was breathing so heavily. Pointing at himself, he then formed to V's with his hand and let them move a few times in front of his chest. _**I ran.**_

I had to laugh a bit. He was cute, thinking I wouldn't notice. Still smiling, he reached into the bag and handed me a package that looked suspiciously like ...

I wasn't the type of person to cry easily. Around my friends I didn't have any problems to show my emotions, but crying was beyond a border than I didn't cross for most of the time. I tried to do so this time, too, but I couldn't prevent my eyes from becoming a bit wet. I just hoped Kihyun wouldn't notice because I definitely wasn't sad.

_**The only formula you'll ever need is the one that describes chocolate icecream (if there is one?) and we can buy that so please don't be sad <3** _

The little paper taped on the small box of chocolate icecream was the last thing to make me cross that border. I closed my eyes and smiled in order not to cry, and when I looked up, Kihyun was looking at me, waiting for my reaction, but I couldn't show him what was going on inside of me, because if I did, I would've had to scream, laugh and cry at the same time.

A little movement of my fingers against my chin was the only word I could master to express. I really hoped Kihyun was able to see how touched I was even if I wasn't really saying anything.

Because I really wanted to, I wanted to say so much to him, but for the first time I felt like I physically wasn't able to speak. Instead, I just began to copy Kihyun's action and ate my icecream.

It was then that I already noticed something that wasn't quite right, something that had been there all the time but something I had ignored so passionately it almost felt like a new sensation.

Before I could think about it, Kihyun and me were interrupted by loud laughters and footsteps on the grass behind us. We turned around and saw the others. Kihyun happily waved at them.

"I think it's almost time to go", Jooheon said with a sad voice as they sat down next to us. Wonho next to him just rolled his eyes. "Thank god." He leaned over to me. "Him and Seoyeon have been so lovely my heart almost stopped beating."

Seoyeon next to Jooheon laughed, and I could see they were holding hands. A warm spark escaped my chest. I loved to see my friends this happy, especially Jooheon after he had been so worried about his own feelings.

Hyungwon slapped Wonho playfully. "I had to catch you so you wouldn't hit the pavement."

"Oh, you're going to miss me over the holiday, Hyungwon! Just wait!", Wonho protested and Hyungwon responded: "Ts. It's just a week, I definitely won't miss you."

"I'm going to miss Hyunwoo, even if we meet once or twice", Minhyuk just blurted out. All eyes laid on him. Under our stares, he blushed a bit. "What? I'm just saying the truth. Why are you all so awkward anyways?"

Hyunwoo next to him just seemed to have become a living tomato and I asked myself if I had missed something in the last few weeks. I could see Jooheon grinning at Seoyeon at Minhyuk's comment, but he didn't say anything.

Apparently everyone would miss everyone. Seoyeon forced us to do a big group hug that resulted in Wonho complaining about not getting any air. We talked about when everyone would come back on Sunday and where we should go to eat (Ramen).

I had secretly slipped Kihyun's note in my pocket because I didn't want anyone to see it, like it was something very precious just between us two. Nobody said anything about us eating icecream, but Jooheon stared suspiciously long at us. It was only after some time, that Seoyeon, who seemed to be the only smart person, noticed it was time to grab their suitcases if they didn't want to miss the bus.

In the end, they were really late and had to run, so Kihyun and I didn't follow them. Jooheon later texted me they had still caught the bus. We quickly exchanged some more screamed goodbyes, before everyone left. I looked at Seoyeon and Jooheon, who were still holding hands while running.

And then, Jooheon looked at Seoyeon and I was able to see a million things in his glance and suddenly it seemed to hit me like a train.

Only after all of them were out of sight, I dared to look at Kihyun again. He was silently smiling, and the expression in his eyes paired with the raised corners of his lips made my heartbeat increase instantly. It was an uncomfortable, messy, somehow painful feeling in the pit of my stomach, that climbed up my spine and paralyzed my tongue. I thought about all the moments of the last weeks when he had touched me, tilted his head and moved his fingers to speak to me. I thought about the night I had sat on him with a lamp in my hand, ready to murder him. I thought about his breath on my neck, the crescents his eyes formed whenever he smiled, his loose tie and his little note, the scent of fabric softener, his skin that resembled silk, his fingers searching for mine on the blanket, his hug and the way he had cleaned my wounds.

"Hey", I whispered and Kihyun turned his head to look at me. "Do you want to go somewhere?"

A quick movement of his hands. _**Where?**_

"I don't know. Just somewhere. We could do a roadtrip or something like this."

His smile was almost blinding. _**Sure.**_

A few seconds passed. We were just staring at each other. Then, he signed: _**Are you feeling better now?**_

"A lot."

I didn't tell him about that feeling in my chest that seemed to suffocate me. I knew I had been staring a lot at him, but seeing Jooheon look at Seoyeon like this had just made me notice how I looked at him. As he turned around again I focused on his hands in his lap, smiling, I couldn't take my glance off him anymore. I hadn't been able to do that for the last few weeks, but I had never known why. Maybe because he looked like a drawing, like living art, like something that had to be your imagination or else you wouldn't believe it.

But I believed Kihyun was there. I knew he was real, the only thing I didn't know was how I deserved something like him. He was a real, living person, more perfect in his own way than anyone else I had ever met.

I had known something had been different since I had met him. Something had been different in the way I responded to him, in the way I saw him and in the way I thought of him. I had just never been able to name it, to speak it out loud or to distinguish the feelings in my chest.

It was scary. The feeling in my heart was scaring me, but it was okay. As long as Kihyun was there. I really didn't care where we would go.

There were a lot of things I didn't know these days, and one was how I should deal with my feelings for Kihyun.

The feelings that told me that day, when we were sitting next to the fountain, that I was so unbelievably and stupidly in love with Kihyun that I asked myself how it was possible I hadn't noticed until now.

After a few seconds, Kihyun looked up again, and when he saw the smile on my face, he laughed. I hadn't even noticed I had begun to smile.

 _ **What are you thinking about?**_ , he signed, his movements as gentle and soft as ever.

I kept my eyes on him, but then had to lower my glance onto my hands.

"Nothing."

_You._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> So now that Changkyun knows about his feelings ... what is he going to do about them?  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> This chapter, Changki are going on a roadtrip!  
> Thank you for reading in advance!

Falling in love with Kihyun had been easy; being in love with Kihyun was the hardest thing I had experienced in my almost eighteen years on Earth.

Kihyun unconsciously taught me a lot of things. I began to realize why I had never been in love with anyone else before him. Maybe because no one had ever been so perfect in every way, or maybe because all my life some mean, god-like creature had waited for the moment to just let every possible feeling a human could possess fall down on me and fill the whole capacity of my heart. It was like every fiber of my body was sensitive towards him, and the only thing I was sure of was that I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

With the first spark of incredulousness and bubbliness that followed my sudden realization, came the utter shock and fear all at once.

I sat next to him by the fountain, nervously playing with my fingers, not sure where to put them or what to do with them. I didn't dare to look at him, afraid to combust if I did. Maybe there would just be little colourful pieces of paper floating around like those of a piñata. Because my insides felt a lot like it. Maybe also butterflies. No, cross that out - rather a bunch of lethal snakes and insects biting me.

Realizing that you like someone while sitting next to them isn't the ideal situation, let me tell you that. It's like all made sense at once, every feeling I had experienced in the past weeks or months, and it came all down to an incoherent stream of thoughts and pictures.

And each one of them made me blush immediately, not specifically because it was something inappropriate but rather because Kihyun was sitting right next to me, eating his icecream and probably not having a clue I was thinking about him like this.

_**Is there something wrong?**_ , Kihyun signed after a while when he had caught me staring at him and I swear my cheeks resembled christmas lights. The last bit of the chocolate icecream in the cup had melted and I was tilting it from left to right only to focus on something else than him and his eyes that I feared were able to look right through me.

It was stupid I felt so nervous around him all of a sudden, like an impressive amount of volt were shooting through my body. Only then I noticed that maybe, just maybe, I had felt like this around him all these weeks and just never noticed. Was that even possible? Shouldn't you just ... know you were in love with someone without even questioning it in the beginning?

Or had I just never wanted to admit it? I couldn't deny the disappointment when I hadn't found a single sign that resembled the one he had made in the bathroom a while ago and that signified you. It was a little word, consisting of three letters, and it was even more ridiculous how three letters could drive me crazy. Had I really wanted him to say I love you back then?

Or rather: Did I want him to say it right now?

I looked over at Kihyun, who was still eyeing me with a slightly worried glance, and my heart fluttered. There was something in my throat and my tongue seemed to be paralyzed. I almost spilt the melted icecream when I shook my head violently.

This evening, when we came back to our dorm room, I let him shower first, already deep in thought. As soon as the bathroom door was closed behind him, I felt like a ninja - I missed the face mask and a big, sharp katana but I wore a black sweater, so hey, maybe that was enough to feel like I was on some secret mission. Secret, yes. Mission? Hm.

At least the phone in my hands felt a lot like a bomb when I carefully sat down on my own bed and slowly began to tipe:  
_**How to you tell your crush you like them**_

Maybe I should've asked Google a much more interesting question: Why was I even thinking about it in the first place?

It was 20 minutes later, that I hadn't even clicked on any link Google showed me but was instead scrolling through my search history, trying to find some key word that could maybe clear my mind.

**_How do you tell your crush you like them_**  
**_How do you tell your best friend you like them_**  
**_What to do if you like your best friend_**  
**_How to deal with feelings_**  
**_How to suppress feelings_**  
**_How to find out if your crush is gay_**  
**_How to deal with rejection_**  
**_How to deal with rejection when you haven't even been rejected yet_**  
**_How to get to a solution_**  
**_Is there a solution for crushes_**  
**_Is it cold enough in October to die if I spend the night outside_**  
**_Is freezing a comfortable death_**  
**_How to get to Guatemala without money_**  
**_How to get a new name, passport, face and life_**  
**_How to make your crush fall for you_**

My fingertips were still trembling above the enter button when the bathroom door suddenly opened and Kihyun stepped out of it. I felt like seeing him for the first time - I had always thought he looked good in his pajamas, in that loose black tshirt that was so lazily wrapped around his small shoulders, the way the waistband of his sweatpants hugged his hipbones - but now every little detail made my throat dry. 

I quickly closed the tab and tried to swallow, biting on my lip like it would help me find words. I didn't feel like saying anything, even though my mind was overflowing with incoherent sentences. Kihyun shot me a small smile, still tugging on the wet ends of his hair and suddenly even my mind seemed to be blank.

"C-can we ...", I managed to stutter and he turned around, looking at me; I was melting beneath his glance. "Can w-we maybe n-not watch anything today?" I hurried to clear my throat. "I'm r-really tired to-today."

The reason I wasn't signing wasn't because I didn't know the signs, oh I knew them perfectly, or that I was just too tired to sign, oh I wasn't tired at all to be honest, I was more awake than I'd ever been before, but rather the trembling I wasn't able to supress. I refused to betray myself by showing my hands, instead pressing them against each other between my knees below the blanket.

A quick movement next to his cheek and a silent question. _**Of course. Are you okay?**_

My nodding was a bit too eager. Oh, sure, I was okay. I was as okay as you were after you had been run down by a large truck, chased by the girl of The Ring movie through the woods for three days without water and food, and maybe then dropped onto a sharf rock off a cliff. I was just doing fine.

Kihyun wasn't able to be heard that night. Of course he wasn't. He never was, silent as a wolf on prey and tonight he was coming for me. I knew he was laying there, in the other bed, only a foot away, and that's what kept me up all night. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't even have slept if he hadn't been there, because my mind was circling around him like the earth around the sun and I knew -

I was screwed. I was so screwed.

I was screwed and in love with Kihyun and I had absolutely no idea how to deal with that.

\--------------------------------------------

Considering I had expected not to sleep at all, I was surprised and still half unconscious when bright sunlight shook me out of my dreams the next morning. For a moment I wasn't even sure of my current whereabouts; a minute earlier I had been running down a hill made of carnivorous plants that had been trying to get a hold of me. At least, my mind told me, I hadn't dreamt of a certain someone, which wouldn't have been unexpected at all, had I spent over four hours thinking about the way his lips curled when he smiled.

With a groan I pressed my hot face again the cold pillow. Now, with the freshness of mornings that resembled new beginnings, everything seemed a lot more sober. While I had tried to respond to my feelings with sarcasm yesterday, I knew that wasn't an appropriate way to deal with them. But was there any at all?

How could it be considered appropriate to fall in love with your roommate you'd only known for two or three months, a boy so innocent and so lovely it felt wrong even thinking about it? Wasn't everything about it wrong? Kihyun - my bottom lip twitched at the thought of his name, strangely - had been my best friend for a while now, and while we had overcome many obstacles, this seemed like the biggest yet. One that Kihyun wouldn't have to overcome because he didn't know, and would never.

Maybe I had been a bit in love with him all this time, without even noticing it, the thought of yesterday crept inside my mind. I could see why it was easy to fall in love with Kihyun even if I was just logically thinking about it. The way he behaved around me, the skinship he seemed to have no problem with and the little things he did for me to show me he cared about me, everything seemed to satisfy as a reason for love, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized: It wasn't anything specific. I hadn't fallen in love with him because of anything in particular, but rather with him. Him.

That made it so much more complicated. If only the skinship alone would've initiated my affection, then I would've had a chance to try to avoid it in order to get rid of my feelings. But I couldn't get rid of Kihyun, and I didn't want to.

But then ... how should I deal with this? How should I look him into the eye while I was feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest? How was anybody dealing with this at all? How had it seemed so easy for Jooheon to confess and date Seoyeon? He must have died internally, it was the only reasonable explanation I was able to come up with. Maybe he wasn't even Jooheon anymore, but only the empty shell of the body he used to inhabit - how could anybody survive being in love?

That didn't help at all, I noticed, pressing my eyes together beneath the pillow. Kihyun was laying next to me and in contrast to the new lovey-dovey couple in our group, he was my best friend and roommate and I would have to deal with him for the rest of the year. There was no way we could be normal anymore! Not if I didn't get a hold of myself and behaved like a person capable of logical reasoning. 

_But what if he likes me back?_ , I couldn' t help but think and immediately lifted the pillow to punch myself in the neck with it. What did I just say about logical reasoning? Logical reasoning meant I crossed out every possibility than wasn't really one at all because its likeliness approached zero. And the question I had just asked myself definitely fell under that category.

_If I've been in love with him the last few weeks without noticing, I thought, maybe I can just go on like this. It's not like anybody knows._ My friendship with Kihyun was something so precious to me I was deleting ever thought about things that could possibly ruin it - so basically everything in had in mind except for just ignoring what was going on with me. Maybe I was lucky and it would just stop if I behaved like it wasn't there at all.

That seemed like the most reasonable decision to me. Why was I even this awkward about it? Because it was the first time I was actually in love? Because it was a boy? Or because it was Kihyun?

Noticing this whole inner monologue would just be driving me crazy as I never had been one to think about things, I lifted my pillow to face my fellow roommate before he would possibly think I was trying to suffocate myself to death. I held a hand in front of my mouth while yawning, blinking and looking around in the room that was still a bit dim while propping myself on my elbow.

"Kihyun?", I asked as soon as my sight was clear and I was surprised to see the bed next to mine was empty. Not even with messy covers, but tidied up like he hadn't slept in it at all. I would've thought so, too, if I hadn't seen him crawl under them last night. So where in the world was he this early in the morning? My phone told me it was a few minutes after six.

I decided to text him. Even though he was just as old as me and absolutely capable of caring for himself, maybe even better than myself, except for the fact he always forgot his sweaters, I was worried. Admittingly, I was _always_ the tiniest bit worried about him whenever he wasn't around me.

_**Hey**_ , I tiped into my phone whilst throwing my blanket of me and getting up with a groan after I had decided it was no use trying to fall asleep once more, _**where are you? Are you okay?**_

I pressed my lips together as I stood up and decided to delete the last part or else it would just seem ridiculous.

"I look like shit", I instead expertantly announced to myself while staring in the mirror as soon as I had entered the bathroom. I had given up on questioning why my hair looked like a bird nest every morning, but today there was at least a reason for the eye bags that seemed to be extra prominent. Sighing, I splashed cold water onto my skin before grabbing my toothbrush.

Multitasking had never been a talent of mine, but surprisingly I managed to brush my teeth while still taking off my shirt. Throwing it on my mattress next to the pillow, I spent a moment contemplating on whether I should just wear the sweater than normally should've been washed a week ago, or a tshirt I would most definitely freeze in but was at least clean.

I didn't get a chance to, as the sound of keys in the doorlock was the next thing I heard. I turned around, expecting to see Kihyun but the first thing that my glance fell on was a plastic bag he was holding that seemed to be pretty heavy, judging by the way it swayed from one side to the other. Quickly making my way towards him, I took the bag out of his hands before he had actually entered the room. My fingers touched his for a second and he looked up, surpised as if he hadn't been expecting to see me up.

I made a quick motion in his direction before moving my hands whose palms were facing upwards to the sides with spread fingers, which proved itself to be a difficult task considering I was now the one holding the bag that was even heavier than I had assumed. _**Where were you?**_

The corners of Kihyun's mouth shifted just the tiniest bit. _**At the convenience store**_. I had to concentrate on his hands as my mind wasn't able to function that well in the mornings. Kihyun had lost a lot of inhibition about his signing the last few weeks, maybe because he trusted me more or had noticed I was usually able to follow along even if he was forming signs quicker than I was able to.

My glance followed his hands as they left the space in front of his chest and I observed he was already fully dressed. I felt a bit of disappointment deep inside of me - somehow I liked to see him in the mornings when he was still half asleep, with disheveled hair and the bottoms of his pajamas that had always ridden up his waist a few centimeters while sleeping so he had to adjust them as he was standing up.

Still too unfocused to be able to sign properly, I just nodded, taking a step back so he would be able to close the door. A cold wave of air had entered the room together with him, and I was worried the heater wouldn't take the change of temperature.

I put the plastic bag down on my desk and pointed at it while raising my eyebrows, looking at Kihyun who was busy taking his coat off. He looked cute, the way the cold had made his cheeks blush. He copied my facial expression, smiling a bit while nodding. I still didn't know why in the world he needed to buy groceries at six a.m., so I curiously opened the bag and looked inside.

A sweet pastry wrapped in another little bag, a cup of yoghurt, another pastry and two small packages with cocoa. As I laid them down on the surface of the desk, I noticed a rather large piece of paper at the bottom of the bag; it was a map of Seoul. Why ...?

_**I didn't know what you liked so I bought yoghurt and pastries, I hope that's okay.**_ Kihyun had written down what he wanted to tell me on his phone before I could even ask, and was now quickly tiping another sentence. He held the phone up to show me. _**You said you wanted to go on a roadtrip. We don't have a car so we won't be able to go far, but I thought a trip to Seoul would be fun.**_ Even though it were just words on a screen, I could feel the hesitation in his last sentence. _**Only if you want though.**_

I almost laughed. Only if I wanted? If Kihyun only knew I would probably cross the ocean if it meant I could spend some time with him ... A smile formed itself on my lips that I couldn't suppress. He looked at me anxiously for a moment, and I awkwardly scratched my neck. There was no way I could tell him what I was thinking.

_**Of course**_ , I instead let my hand sign next to my cheek, and let my glance lower so it was resting on the floor. Kihyun's smile seemed to take every bit of air out of my lungs.

Why did he have to be like this? Did he even guess what he was doing to me whenever he was so sweet? Probably not, I thought, letting myself fall onto the mattress next to him. If he knew what he was doing to me and my heart, he would maybe stop or wouldn't have started in the first place.

Did I want him to stop? My skin on my arms was tingling, sitting so close next to him while I was trying to eat one of the pastries. Kihyun was leaning against the wall behind us, stretching his legs out on his bed and searching for something on his phone. Even when he just sat there like that, not doing anything in specific, he looked like an angel.

I took a bite of the sweet dough as he held up his phone. I needed a moment to realize it was information about the bus departures to Seoul. The trip would take us about an hour, as Incheon was pretty close to Seoul.

"You're so organized", I couldn't suppress my admiration for a moment and immediately bit down on my lip. Kihyun laughed, his silent laugh with a lot of eyesmile and teeth and I wondered for a second if I liked it so much because I had become used to it, or if the way he smiled also was beautiful to other people.

He looked away embarrassed, and my cheeks felt warm again. Maybe I really had to get a hold of myself, I thought; if I was going to blush as a reaction to everything he said I would soon be able to work as a substitute for christmas lights.

We agreed on taking the eight a.m. bus, so I would be able to dress while Kihyun was still packing our bags. Only when I was chewing on the last bit of my breakfast, Kihyun turned around and threw a shirt in my direction he had just taken out of my closet to put into my bag. I caught it, looking at him confused.

He pointed at me, drawing an imaginary line on his upper arm with the side of his hand that was facing upwards, before tilting his index finger in front of his chest and letting both his fists lower from his shoulders to the middle of his chest. _**You should put on a tshirt.**_

I looked down my body and immediately felt the urge to die. I had never been particularly self-conscious, but I usually also wasn't walking around half naked, especially not in front of Kihyun. I could hear Jooheon's words again, almost like he was standing right next to me: _Oh my god, I know your strange habits but let's just be happy for a moment that you didn't get a roommate._

Kihyun didn't seem to have a problem with it - he was just throwing one more glance at me before turning around, but I could see him silently laughing. I hoped he wasn't laughing about my non-existent abs; I was pale and everything but muscular and surely not attractive at all and Kihyun had just seen me and - trying to calm down, I put the tshirt on before I would be able to embarrass myself any further.

_No_ , I thought, trying to swallow, which seemed hard to do, considering my throat was dry. _Every time he looks at me hurts a bit, a pain I can't quite name, but I don't want him to stop._

_**Are you ready?**_ , he asked when I was closing the zipper of my bag. He had made our beds and studied the map of Seoul while I had been getting dressed and had packed the last few things I needed. We didn't yet know how long we would be gone - a few days or the whole week. As long as it would be fun and as long as our wallet wouldn't be completely empty.

I nodded, putting the strap of the bag over my shoulder, but he was looking at me like something was missing. Quickly opening my closet, I watched as he took out a scarf and stepped closer, drapping the cloth around my shoulder before adjusting the collar of my jacket so I wouldn't be cold.

_No_ , I thought, looking at the way his bangs were falling on his forehead and his eyes were sparkling, _**I'm so not ready.**_

\-------------------

The ride to Seoul was warm and comfortable, as the bus was heated and Kihyun sitting right next to me, our elbows touching, made my body temperature increase another ten degrees. We talked about where we wanted to sleep, in the best case somewhere cheap but nice, and what we wanted to do. Kihyun stared out the window, while I stared at him.

Mapo-gu, the district of Seoul Kihyun had decided to go to, was a place I'd never particularly been to, so we needed a few minutes to even make out where we were. Kihyun proved himself to possess extraordinary coordination skills, while you could've dropped me off two streets away from our dorm and I probably wouldn't even have been able to find my way back.

I just let him take the leadership, trusting him enough to be sure he would know where we were going. I had searched for a cheap motel on the Internet on our way here, so we just needed to find it now. The weather was stable, although the dark clouds announced a bad storm that would hopefully wait until we were safe. Everyone else seemed to have already gone inside, and I was worried that we wouldn't make it in time.

Thankfully, the first sound of thunder only occured when we were already standing in front of the entrance. Heavy drops of rain were falling down on us, and I blinked up at the nameplate above the door, that read _Q Motel_. Even with my head against my neck, staring up at the sky, it was hard to see the top of this tall skyscraper that seemed to have been constructed in a way to fit as many guests as possible inside. I couldn't complain; we had specifically searched for something cheap.

"Hello", I greeted the receptionist when we stepped inside. The entrace hall was welcoming, with red and yellow furniture and ceiling lamps the girl behind the counter was about to turn on. She shot us a small and shy smile, bowing slightly before responding: "Hello. Whay may I do for you?"

I noticed she was looking at Kihyun, but I answered: "We would like a room, please."

"One?", she asked and I felt myself blush. Turning around at Kihyun, I looked at him questioningly. I had just assumed we would take a room together, and now I was embarrassed if he would agree on that - what if he didn't want to? It seemed like an unlikely possibility, considering we were always sharing a room, but the girl's reaction had made me uncertain.

But to my relief - and my heart fluttered like crazy -, Kihyun was just smiling and signed: _**Sure.**_

I looked back at the girl who seemed to be taken aback by Kihyun's sign language, but I didn't say anything else. I didn't like the way she had looked at him before and I hated the way she looked at him now.

"Can we have a room?", I therefore asked again, surprised by my own disappointment and hoped it wouldn't be too obvious in my voice. The girl looked up again, and nodded quickly, turning around to take a key out of the shelf behind her before giving it to me.

Kihyun didn't say anything about her when we were finally in the elevator. I didn't even know why I was so bothered about her in the first place. I had never been one to exactly know what I was feeling, but whenever Kihyun was around me, everything became just so much more confusing.

Because it was raining, we didn't do much that day. The room we had been given was small, but spacious enough for us to survive a few days. After we had stuffed our luggage in the closet, Kihyun fell down on the bed and turned on the tv that was placed on a little desk. The raindrops in his hair that still hadn't fully dried were running down the nape of his neck and I swallowed, standing next to the door.

I took a shower, and made sure I left the bathroom with clothes on. Outside the storm was still going on. Hopefully we wouldn't have to spend all our time in here, I thought, staring out the window. But at the same time, I couldn't say I would be disappointed about just laying around with Kihyun all day, watching movies. To be honest, that seemed like paradise to me.

But for Kihyun it would probably be boring; there was no use in lying to myself. He thought of us as good friends and a few days inside a tiny room with a friend would become boring after a while, too. So although I wasn't exactly in favor of it, I prayed for the weather to become better.

Kihyun wore the same pajamas he wore everyday, but when he laid down next to me, a pillow stuffed between his head and the headboard, I felt like my body was aching in every possible place. All about this, this room and this bed and even his clothes seemed so intimate to me. Even though I tried to tell myself it was just like every other night, it didn't feel like it.

Maybe because it was the first night I was sleeping right next to him after I had actually admitted my feelings to myself. But did that really make a difference? I played with the hem of my tshirt as I was trying to follow the movie on the tv, but my mind was somewhere else.

I noticed Kihyun had fallen asleep when his head landed on my shoulder after some time. I almost made a noise when I felt a weight on me, and when I turned my head I felt like I couldn't breathe. His eyelashes were fluttering like every time he slept, and my stomach hurt.

Carefully, I placed his head on the pillow, before I turned off the tv and lights and laid down next to him. The light coming from outside, creeping over the furniture and his body made it impossible for me not to stare at him. We were way too close, just a few centimeters between us, but I just couldn't back off. Kihyun was a magnet and I was a helpless piece of metal drifting towards him.

I didn't get much sleep that night and was correspondingly tired the next morning when the alarm on my phone woke us both up. I had forgotten to set a new one, so it was agonizingly early, but we decided to stand up nonetheless. Kihyun sat cross-legged on the bed, following a reality tv show while I searched for my sweater. He flinched a bit when the sweater hit his head as I threw it a him, and I swear to god it was the cutest thing I had ever seen.

We spent the whole day in the shopping center a few streets away. Originally, we had planned to walk around the city a bit, but after we had bought a quick breakfast at the convenience store we were too lazy to move a lot. Kihyun seemed to be looking around like he was searching for something or someone the whole time, but when I asked him about it, he said it was nothing. There was a bit of fear in his glance, but I decided not to ask him further about it.

He wanted to go to the bookstore and that's where we ended up for the rest of the morning. Nobody seemed to have a problem with the two boys sitting around and blatantly reading books so they wouldn't have to buy them. I was afraid at first but after no employee had walked up to us and asked us to leave until I had finished the first thriller, I grabbed another one.

Kihyun switched through all genres - he tried fantasy but that seemed to be boring, so he read a psychological thriller and later something with science-fiction. I soon switched to manga, and came to the conclusion the employees in this shop really had to walk around blindfolded - I stood in front of the boys love section and thought about it for a moment before I had to laugh; I must have looked like a psychopath but still, no one wanted to kick me out of the shop. Maybe they were piting me for even thinking about reading that in front of Kihyun as a clue I didn't even want to give him if I was honest with myself.

We had to leave to eat lunch at some point, and sat down on one of the benches that were scattered around in the building. At least we wouldn't have to worry about the weather inside of this complex, even though I still hoped the storm would calm down until tomorrow.

By the time the bookstore closed, I had read around twenty manga and a few books and Kihyun told me he had managed to finish six thrillers. The woman at the counter stared at us as we left, this time for sure, but she didn't say anything. Maybe we shouldn't come back tomorrow, though.

Eating chinese takeout and watching the final episode of a kdrama neither of us had ever heard about before, I was sure I could easily spent a long time like this, just with Kihyun sitting next to me on the bed, either aggressively tiping something into his phone or making wild gestures with his hands whenever something exiting happened on screen. He was so focused on what was going on he didn't even notice he wasn't chewing on noddles anymore but instead on his chopsticks. I didn't dare to interrupt his action, instead silently smiling at my own food.

He didn't fall asleep while watching tv this night, but was still the first one to close his eyes after I had turned the lights off. I didn't know if it was him or myself who had gotten closer to the other over the night because I had actually managed to sleep a bit; but when I woke up, we were both lying in the middle of the bed, his head on my shoulder and his leg pressed against mine.

No cell of my body seemed to function for a moment, and the pain came back again, the pain that stretched itself from my head to my toes, making it unable to focus on anything else than his body against mine, and I was close to dying. Biting on my lip, I hurried to slide away a bit, so only one of us would be embarrassed.

We wanted to go to the arts museum that day, but the weather was against us - we were already on our way, packed in scarfs and jackets because it was freezing outside when it started to rain and all hell broke loose. I really had the impression the weather was never on our side. Whether it was the day we had followed Jooheon to calm him down or this trip, the sun never shined.

Kihyun stopped in his tracks and looked at me, raindrops falling down on him, and I was paralyzed for a moment. We stood there a second, getting wet as the thunder was able to be heard above our heads, and then he grabbed by hand, his warm finger around my cold ones, and pointed in the direction of a cinema that was on the other side of the street, the only building around that wasn't a business complex. It somehow didn't seem to fit, but we were relieved to find shelter.

The only movie running was one for children. I don't remember the name, but neither do I remember what happened. It was about animals, for sure, but I didn't pay attention to what was going on on screen anymore as soon as we had sat down. We were the only two people in the movie theatre and chose seats in the back. Because Kihyun wasn't able to sign in the darkness and didn't want to turn his phone on as it would've only blinded him, he soon began to play with my hand that I had lazily placed on the armrest between us. I tried not to make it too obvious I was shivering as he touched my fingers, but it was hard; I couldn't even see him because it was so dark and therefore had to focus on the feeling.

Somewhere inside me a little part hoped something would happen; but what? Of course nothing happened, but I still pressed my feet anxiously against the floor. Sometimes I could feel Kihyun's breath on my neck and flinched unconsciously, imagining he was getting closer but it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

Kihyun didn't become tired of touching my hand, even though I had began sweating a bit at some point, and it drove me crazy.

When we were already on our way outside as it had fortunately stopped raining, Kihyun tapped on my shoulder and pointed at a vending machine next to the door. It seemed old and a few odd things were inside, plushies and jewelry and food that I wasn't sure of if it was consumable anymore.

He laid the side of his right hand with his palm facing upwards against the left side of his chest and crooked his index and middle finger, laying it against his nose and tilting his hand away from his face. _**Do you want to try?**_

Kihyun had the strangest ideas but maybe that's what I liked about him. I shrugged, nodding at the same time. _**If you want to**_ , I signed.

He searched in his pockets for a thousand won bill and put it into the vending machine. I was already wondering what he wanted to get, when he looked at me questioningly. I needed a moment to understand what he meant, then I shook my head. "I ... I don't want anything. You should choose."

Kihyun's lips curled into a tiny smile, and then he looked at the vending machine again, his glance gliding over the different things on display. After a few seconds, he pointed at a ring that was in the bottom row. It was silver and had a tiny little fake diamond in the middle.

He pointed at it and then touched his chin. _**Is that one beautiful?**_

I smiled. Why did he want my opinion in the first place?

_**Yes**_ , I signed. It was the truth - although it looked pretty cheap, the cristall shined in the light.

He pressed the button below the ring and it fell down with a high-pitched noise. When he took it out of the box it had dropped into, he looked at it for a second before his glance shifted to me. I imagined to see something in his eyes, but then he had already put it into the pocket of his jeans and smiled.

We went to the museum that day, after the sky had finally cleared up. There was no sun because of the clouds, but I had my own sun. Kihyun looked at the pieces of art like he was trying to understand the painter's intention, and I looked at him.

\----------------------------------------

_**I don't think we have enough money left for another night**_ , Kihyun showed me the display of his phone the next day. We had basically just slept in and eaten icecream while watching movies, even though it was still cold. _**Maybe we should just get the bus this evening?**_

I knew our little adventure would have an end eventually, and there was no reason to be sad as we would spent the same amount of time together once we got to the dorm again, but I still was. Something about our trip had been different, and I didn't want it to end.

With a sting inside my chest I looked at the clock. It was already seven thirty. That wouldn't count as a night for the payment, but we had to look for a bus. "Can you look up when the next bus to the dorm is available? I'll pack", I answered and stretched myself a bit. Sitting around the whole day in one position wasn't exactly good for my bones.

I stood up and placed our empty bags on the mattress while Kihyun was busy tiping into his phone. He was laying on his stomach, and both of us were wearing pajamas. I couldn't help but notice how the waistband of his trousers had once more ridden up, showing his ankles; I smiled as I turned around to get our stuff in the bathroom.

I was grabbing our toothbrushes as I heard Kihyun hit on the mattress. Taking a step back, I leaned to the side and saw him getting up to show me his phone.

_**The last bus left half an hour ago**_ , the display read. I looked up at him with raised eyebrows and he shrugged. _**Maybe we should count our money once more?**_

We did and it turned out as we had expected: We hadn't started with much money, but now almost everything was gone and the bit left was needed to pay for the three nights we had spent at the hotel.

"It's to far too walk, right?", I asked and Kihyun laughed. _**Of course, idiot**_ , he tiped and sighed right after that. _**But I have another idea; it includes a bit of walking but we should be able to manage it**_

"I won't let you sleep on a bench in the park", I laughed, putting our clothes into the bags and Kihyun pouted. God, my heart ...

_**That's not what I mean. I wouldn't let you sleep on one either. I told you about my aunt, right? She lives in Seoul, in Seongdong-gu. She's on the business trip rn, but I should know where she keeps her spare key, she surely wouldn't have anything against us sleeping there** _

I chuckled. "And if we don't find the spare key?"

Kihyun smiled. _**Sleeping in the garden shed in better than sleeping on a park bench.**_

I had to agree on that so we soon left and paid before starting our walk to his aunt's house. I really hoped she was still on that business trip, or else it would be even more embarrassing. I trusted Kihyun she wouldn't mind, and I guessed someone who shared the same blood as Kihyun wouldn't be able to be angry at us, but I would still feel uncomfortable.

Each of us was carrying his backpack, our shoes dragging across the rough asphalt of the pavement. Since the sky had cleared up, more people were walking around. Seoul was busy that day. As we passed the cinema again, I couldn't help but wish we would be able to repeat that experience - even if I hadn't even paid attention to one second of the movie.

It was maybe a one and half or two hour walk to Kihyun's aunt's house, but the time passed quickly. We talked about the movie we had watched yesterday evening, a thriller; Kihyun really seemed to like these dark, intense movies although I would've never guessed. It was cute, the way he sat on the bed, arms around his knees, flinching every few seconds but not once looking away from the screen. And I could tell, as I had once again not even gotten the gist of what it was about because I had been so focused on him.

He taught me the signs for scary and exiting, and this time I dared to ask, although I was unsure if he would answer me.

"Did ... Did you learn them all by yourself?", I asked, my voice trembling. I knew he didn't want people to ask why he wasn't talking, but did this question fall under that category? Was it okay to ask? I wanted to learn more about him, about all this, but I feared his reaction.

It was a small, but somehow sad smile, as he signed _**Yes.**_

A few seconds passed, and I concentrated on walking. Was he angry? Disappointed? Shouldn't I have asked it? Before I could apologize, he looked up at me again as we passed a corner and were now on a street with less people.

He made a quick motion next to his head, going back and forth with his fingertips pressed together, and then let his hand with his index finger spread, palm facing his body, lower next to his ribs. _ **I learned it by myself.**_ He seemed to think for a moment. _ **I've learnt it for six years**_ , he then signed. _ **I want to be able to speak to people like you.**_

It felt happy about his last sentence, but sad about everything else. It was like every time we talked about sign language; I asked myself why he had learnt it. Alone, for six years - you don't do that just for fun, and even if, you wouldn't completely stop speaking. I stared at him for a second longer, but I didn't know what to ask, because the most important question was the one that would never pass my lips if he wouldn't initiate talking about it.

We reached his aunt's house a bit of time later. It was already dark outside, and the streetlights were on, making the way a bit safer. Strangely enough, Kihyun had spent the whole walk turning around and looking back just like he had done at the shopping center. Why was he always looking for something? I decided I would maybe ask him another time, or else he would just answer nothing was wrong like the last time.

Kihyun turned left, and I saw a house that seemed big in comparison to the other buildings in this area of town. The little paved way that led to the entrance door went through a garden with empty cultivation fields. The garden shed Kihyun had talked about was behind the house, in the middle of a few oaks.

Kihyun began to search for the spare key while I was waiting in front of the door. At first he walked around the front of the house, but soon enough he vanished to look for it somewhere around the shed. A few minutes later he came back, holding a key up in his hand like a trophy he had won. I laughed. "Guess we won't have to sleep in the shed, then?"

The inside of the house was even more impressive. It was an old styled house, with a lot of dark wood and antique furniture, but nonetheless extremely clean and tidied up. I immediately took off my shoes and put them next to the female pairs that were placed next to the door.

Kihyun hit the wooden part of the wall a few times to make a noise and as I noticed what he was going for, I called out: "Hello?"

He turned around and smiled at me gratefully. We waited a few seconds, but as no answer was to be heard, we came to the conclusion his aunt still had to be on her business trip. I was relieved. It already felt bad enough to touch anything in this house, but if she wasn't here, I could maybe pretend I hadn't even stepped inside.

_**It's cold**_ , Kihyun signed after he had put down our bags next to the stairs, again out of dark wood, that seemed to lead to a few other floors. _**Do you want something hot to drink?**_

I hesitantly nodded and Kihyun was already walking to the kitchen, I assumed, but stopped once more and signed: _**You can take a shower if you want. The bathroom is on the first floor.**_

Nodding, again. Kihyun left and I was left alone in the entrance hall, looking around a bit uncomfortable. I felt like I was entering yet another piece of Kihyun's life, and I really hoped it was one he wanted to reveal. Sometimes I felt like I was taking too much from him, especially in the last few days; it was a feeling that had been following me since the beginning of our trip a few days ago, that I was demanding too much just because I liked him a bit more than I probably should.

Oh, a bit more - if only just a bit more! I sighed, taking my bag and walking up the stairs, still careful not to touch anything as I was the expert in destroying things.

There were several rooms on the first floor, and I had no clue which one the bathroom was. I already contemplated on asking Kihyun again, but then shook my head. It wasn't like someone was hiding corpses in here - hopefully -, so there wasn't any reason why I shouldn't just look inside the rooms.

So I did. The first room on the left was a bedroom that looked like no personal things were inside, so it was likely to be the bedroom for guests. The second door was also a room with a bed, a bigger one this time, and definitely more personal - maybe it was Kihyun's aunt's room, and I immediately closed the door again.

I told myself to do the same with the next room, but stopped when I noticed something that caught my attention. It was a smaller room, but still pretty spacious. On the floor, there were several suitcases and bags, like someone had put everything he owned in them. I was already wondering what a strange thought that was, when I noticed one bag had been opened and clothes were lying on the bed, clothes that were exactly the style Kihyun wore them. Was this his room?

I quickly closed the door again, and bit down on my lip. I hadn't wanted to look into his room, but now that I had, I couldn't help but wonder why it looked like this.

Kihyun had told me he lived with his aunt when we had been trapped in the convenience store two weeks ago, but if he was living with her, why did his room look like he had just moved in? The only personal thing about that room were the closed bags and suitcases and I was confused. It was the same kind of confusion I had when I thought about how he had turned up at the dorm with extremely little luggage. Why had he been in such a hurry?

Oh no, I wouldn't ask him about it. I felt guilty just thinking about it. Us being friends wasn't an entrance ticket into everything in his life, even if I wanted it to be.

Fortunately, the next room was the bathroom. I spent fifteen minutes showering and washing my hair, while I was thinking about whether I should put on my pajamas or not. I almost laughed as I thought about the fact Kihyun and me had probably spent more time in pajamas around each other than in normal clothes.

I was tired and cold so I just decided to wear them, and left the bathroom with still wet hair as I was too lazy to dry it. Walking down the stairs, I could see light in the room next to the kitchen. As soon as I had entered, I was able to see Kihyun had lit a fire in the fireplace and was sitting in front of the couch, cuddled in a blanket.

"Hey", I said as I walked up to him and he slid to the side to make space for me on the carpet. As soon as I was sitting, he threw the blanket over my body and I laughed.

He reached behind him and grabbed a mug placed on the table, giving it to me. It was hot and I smiled, touching my chin. _**Thank you.**_

_**The house is really big**_ , I signed after I had taken a sip and burnt my tongue and he laughed. _**Yes**_ , he responded, _**my aunt is a bit wealthier than most of the people.**_

I loved it when Kihyun signed. I didn't even know why; his movements, his facial expression, just everything. The fact I could just blatantly stare at him and had an excuse for doing so was a bonus.

The light of the fire was shining on his face and made his features seem so much softer. _**I'm happy we decided to do this roadtrip**_ , he signed and smiled at me. _**Are you feeling better?**_

_**Why?**_ , I asked, keeping my glance on him even though he was turning his head to look at the fire again.

_**You seemed so down after the exam**_ , he answered. I could see he was biting on his lip like he was thinking about something. Then, he turned around again. _**I just want to see you happy.**_

I loved how direct Kihyun was most of the time, but right now it was making my body physically hurt. He looked so beautiful in the orange light I couldn't look away. Did he know how crazy he was driving me with everything he was doing? My throat felt dry, and I clenched my hands around the blanket.

"You're too much", I whispered, quiet enough so he wouldn't hear me.

_**I ...**_ , Kihyun turned around again, his hands in the air for a second, _**I'm really glad I met you.**_

I didn't know if it was the shadow over his eyes as he was looking at me or the expression in them, but something was different, something in the way his fingertips drew circles in the air and his wrists turned. It was hot, everything was hot, the air, the mug in my hands, his knees that were touching mine beneath the blanket.

I took me a few seconds to notice he had closed his eyes while I had been staring at him and was leaning against the couch behind him, his breath steady, different than mine that was so hurried I was afraid of choking. I loved to look at Kihyun when he was sleeping, because he wouldn't see the expression in my glance I was so afraid to show whenever he was awake.

His bangs were falling over his forehead, the light of the fire was drawing patterns on his skin. Unconsciously, I raised my hand and touched the strand of hair than was covering his temple, gently brushing it behind his ear. Everything about him was so soft and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.

Without noticing it, I had gotten closer and closer so that now, there was only a centimeter left in between our faces. My lips felt dry, being so close to his and I didn't know what I was doing anymore. My hand on his cheek was trembling and my breath unsteady.

It was only when my lips almost touched his that his lashes fluttered, brushing against my cheek and I almost flinched, quickly leaning away and placing my hand between my knees to stop the trembling. His lashes moved for a few more seconds, before they stopped and rested against his skin.

I was shivering so much I feared I would just pass out. Throwing the blanket off me, I stood up, walking away from the fire and Kihyun into the kitchen. I needed a few seconds to open the faucet, then I splashed ice cold water in my face that felt like it was burning.

I don't know how long I stood in front of the sink, as I suddenly felt something tugging on my tshirt. I turned around, looking at Kihyun, who was standing behind me, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

_**I'm sorry**_ , he signed, _**I fell asleep.**_ He looked at me with a smile on his lips. _**But what are you doing here? Did something happen?**_

I almost couldn't look at him anymore; what had I thought, what had I thought when I had gotten so close to him? Was I out of my mind? He was my friend, my best friend, the one who trusted me and cared about me and did everything to make me happy, and I? I was selfish, almost kissing him in his sleep when he would be disgusted if he ever found out.

I wanted to punch myself in the face for even thinking about it. Kihyun was still staring at me, an unspoken question in his glance.

_No_ , I thought, _nothing is okay. I am in love with you and nothing is okay._

I smiled. "Nothing happened."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for reading!  
> I actually had to physically hold back so I wouldn't write about Changkyun kissing Kihyun ... I would've loved to write it but it would've messed up my plot - I'm sorry! Look forward to kisses in the future ... :)  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> I'm so happy I finally managed to finish this chapter! I really hope you're ready for some Changki action ^.^  
> Thank you for reading in advance! <3

_Nothing happened._

Kihyun believed nothing happened and I tried to convince myself to do so, too. I was practiced in lying to myself, as it normally made things a lot easier; but this time, trying to ignore it just hurt even more than acknowledging would have done.

**_Favorite element?_ **

It was way past midnight, my legs next to Kihyun's upper body and his feet touching my shoulder. The fire had burned down, leaving only the dimly glowing ashes to illuminate the carpet on the floor we had been sitting on an hour ago. Kihyun had turned on the lights so we wouldn't be too blinded by our phone screens.

It took me some time to answer. We were playing the game Kihyun had come up with some time ago, if you could even call it a game. It were just random questions of liking and disliking, and it should've been easy for me to respond to them, but I still wasn't entirely focused on the world in front of my eyes.

Guilt was pooling in my stomach like acid and it made me clutch the blanket draped upon us. I expected Kihyun to say something about what had happened earlier, and even though my fear should diminish with every moment without incidence passing, my palms just became wetter and my breath more unstable the longer I was laying next to him.

I couldn't help but think about the possibilities of how my unthoughtful action could've turned out in the worst case. I thought about Kihyun opening his eyes, only to see me so close to him, and he would flinch, back away and hurry to bring as much distance between us as possible. Another image in my mind was him pushing me away, even though I couldn't really believe he would do something like this. Probably it would've been a lot of awkward silence and trembling hands signing It's okay's. Kihyun wasn't like other guys who would make fun of you if they found out you liked them. He was too soft and nice for a reaction like that.

But nonetheless, there was no point in trying to sugarcoat things. If Kihyun had noticed he surely would've been irritated and confused, he would've looked at me like he was trying to understand what was going on; and then he would've understood and his glance would've changed between confusion and consolation.

The worst case, I noted in my head as I felt a sting in my chest. Consolation was worse than everything else he could possibly do. Consolation was the indirect expression of apologies and pity.

 ** _Water_** , I tiped and sent the message. I honestly didn't know a hundred percent sure, but right now I would've definitely chosen a cold ice bath in order to calm down.

Except I didn't feel like anything would have been able to calm me down at that moment. I was so incredibly angry with myself for acting so immature and dumb, I probably would've slapped myself if Kihyun wasn't there.

What had I been thinking, in all honesty? Would I have really kissed Kihyun if his eyelashes hadn't fluttered like that? And then? I hadn't spent a second thought on what would've followed. He surely would've woken up from someone kissing him, and as I was already freaking out imagining his reaction to an almost-kiss, I didn't even dare to consider thinking about anything above that.

It couldn't, no, it wouldn't happen again. I just had to gain some self-control. I couldn't just put everything, our whole friendship that was so precious to me on the line because I wanted to feel his lips against mine. It wasn't something friends did, sadly, and we were friends, even if I would've wished for us to be something more.

I turned my head to the side to look at Kihyun while he was tiping his own answer. He didn't deserve a friend who was as egoistic as me. Things like a kiss needed consent and feelings and ... and so many things that just weren't there at the moment, and probably would never be.

 ** _Air_** , his message popped up on my display. I stopped my thoughts for a moment, thinking about his answer. 

**_Why air?_ **

He only needed a few seconds to respond.

**_It's one of the only things that are always there but can never be seen by our eyes, and I like things I can feel but not see because eyes can't tell us everything_ **

It wasn't hard to find new questions to ask, and even though some of them seemed a bit odd at first glance, Kihyun answered each one without hesitation.

**_Socks or no socks? - No socks._ **

**_Blanket or pillow? - Blanket._ **

**_Strawberry or Vanilla? - Vanilla._ **

**_Fairs: Games or rides? - Games._ **

**_Why no rides?_** , I asked, desperate for a topic that would distract my mind from further thinking about what I had done and would instead help me realize my provisionally plan to control myself and suppress every urge to do something like that again. Additionally, I really was interested in the reason behind Kihyun's choice.

I could see him smile from behind his phone. His face was illuminated ever so lightly by his display, and he slightly shifted next to me, fortunately not touching my waist. I had been sensitive to every touch of him before, but right now I felt like my body would just catch fire if his skin touched mine.

**_I love teddybears. They're so adorable, so I always try to win one_ **

**_Aaand ... I'm terribly afraid of rides tbh_ **

The word cute was so present in my mind I had to actively stop my hands from tiping it into my phone. There was no point in doing so, even if it wasn't as embarrassing as it seemed to be, considering Kihyun knew I thought he was cute. I didn't think he had already forgotten what I had said to Wonho on the phone all these weeks ago when I had still thought he wasn't able to hear me.

I was already about to answer him with a story of how my cousin had always dragged me on rides when I was younger, the reason why I was more or less immune against any sickness caused by them, when we both got startled by a loud noise coming from the hallway. Kihyun as well as me flinched a bit before looking at me with surprise and a hint of fear in his glance.

I let my phone sink onto the blanket, suddenly alarmed. I had watched too many horror movies and thrillers to know where this was going, and even though that fact should help me deal with the situation, I just felt incredibly overwhelmed. We looked at each other for a few seconds, waiting - maybe it had just been the wind outside or something?

But then again, a noise, this time even worse: Footsteps.

My head turned around as I scanned the living room for anything that could be useful for defending us. I felt fear pooling in the pit of my stomach and told myself to calm down. Motioning Kihyun to stand up, too, I threw the blanket of our bodies and sneaked to the cupboard next to the door, where I quickly grabbed the heavy candle holder, the only item I had been able to think of in a hurry.

Oh no, I had never dealt with something like this before, and internally I was freaking out, but I bit on my lip and turned around to tell Kihyun with very inofficial sign language that just consisted of hectic gestures to hide behind the couch. He furrowed his eyebrows, pointing at the candle holder in my hands. Not knowing how to make him understand what I was planning on doing, even though there was no plan, I quietly took a few steps back to reach him and kneeled down, motioning him to do the same; his knees had not yet touched the floor when he was taking my hand in his and peeking over the armrest.

And again, too close, but I didn't really focus on the fact as my thoughts were spinning around in my head like fragments of a city in a tornado. What did you do in such a situation? How could I protect us? What if the thief or whoever had just entered the house was a murderer with a chainsaw and ...

"Hello?" - I fliched once more, my shoulder against Kihyun's as I heard that unfamiliar female voice. I didn't dare to lean to the side to look for whoever was calling out for us, and I wanted to tell Kihyun to keep quiet; but before I could react, I felt a movement of my hand and looked to the side to see him stand up.

I stared at him, incredulously, as my glance followed his left hand that he was using for signing, signs I couldn't decipher from my perspective. My glance lowered, to his right hand, that was still holding mine in a tight grip even though it would be reasonable to sign with two hands ...

"Oh, it's you, Kihyun!" I could hear the relief in the speaker's voice. "I was already wondering why there were shoes at the entrance but they looked like yours, so ... well, and who's that?"

I turned into a giant iceblock, that was definitely melting as I felt the palms of my hands getting wet; why was Kihyun still holding my hand? Not that I was complaining, but I made me want to lose conscience when right now I should be doing anything but that.

I could feel him looking down at me, so I awkwardly raised my head and stood up, very slowly while I was still eyeing the woman next to the other end of the couch. It had to be Kihyun's aunt, I thought, even though I wouldn't have noticed any similarity between them at first glance, except maybe for the soft expression in their eyes.

"H-Hello", I stammered, trying to regain my posture before bowing deeply. I felt my cheeks blushing in probably a very deep shade of pink. What had I said about my wish not to meet his aunt while we were staying at her house? I was a stranger, and there was nothing more awkward than saying hello to the owner after obviously having stayed there without them knowing.

"Do you ... do you need that?", she asked and laughed while looking at my right hand. I followed her glance and pressed my lips together in the hope of just vanishing through the floor - I had been wrong. There was still something more awkward: Trying to use a candle holder as a weapon when said owner returned.

"N-No", I answered, quickly laying the candle holder on the couch, scratching my neck. "I ... I don't, Ma'am."

She laughed again, a very clear and happy sound that calmed me down a bit. "You don't have to be embarrassed, darling." She smiled while walking around the couch to embrace Kihyun, who finally let go of my hand. Even though I felt a little sting in my heart, I was thankful.

What I didn't expect was to be hugged by Kihyun's aunt, too, and so I didn't move for a second as she did. I saw Kihyun smiling at my obviously surprised expression. Looking at his aunt once more, I noticed she was younger than I had expected, maybe in her thirties, with shoulder length black hair and pale skin; she seemed like one of the women who would advertise skin care creams on television at lunch time.

"What's your name?", she asked, and at least this time I answered with a stable voice. "Changkyun, Ma'am."

"Oh, please stop with this formal vocabulary", she begged, laying her hands on her hips and looking at Kihyun. "So, what are you doing here? Not that I have anything against it, I'm just curious."

To my surprise, Kihyun began to sign again, and only now I understood the meaning of this action. Surprised, I followed his movements while trying to look at his aunt at the same time, who seemed to have no problem understanding him, as he was signing much slower than he did speaking to me.

"Ah, okay", she then said and smiled. As soon as she met my glance, she had to laugh once more. "Yeah, I understand sign language", she explained, "Even though I can't speak it myself."

I just nodded. I had understood nothing Kihyun had said as I had been too focused on her, but probably he had just told the story of why we had had to come here instead of going back to the dorm. My assumption proved itself as his aunt added: "Oh yes, and sure, you can stay the night. I can give you the money for the bus tomorrow. Are you hungry?"

Kihyun looked at me while I looked at him. I was still a bit overwhelmed with the situation, and additionally, my stomach was hurting out of fear and nervousness rather than emptiness. But as Kihyun slowly nodded, I just lightly shrugged, saying: "I ... I don't want to cause any inconvenience ..."

"Don't worry, you're not", she reassured me, turning around and leaving the living room. "I can make you something." I followed Kihyun after I had grabbed the candle holder and placed it on the cupboard again - screw that damn candle holder - and listened to his aunt's story as she explained: "Well, you know, the business trip was originally planned to take place until Friday, but it turns out, they had way less to talk about than they said they did, and then two clients were ill because of some virus that has been going around somewhere in Taiwan and then ..."

She carried on talking about the business trip while taking out pots and pans and ingredients out of the cupboards and the refrigerator as soon as we had reached the kitchen. I sat down on one of the barstools around the counter, next to Kihyun, who was looking at me like he was searching for something in my expression, almost worried, but fortunately I had calmed down a bit and my cheeks weren't burning as bright as before anymore.

"Are pancakes okay?", she asked and we both nodded. I urgently needed some sugar to increase my insulin before I would have no energy left. I was following her movements as she was putting together flour, sugar and baking soda, when she suddenly turned around again, her eyebrows furrowed a bit, but a different expression of her face. "And you two are ...?"

I stared at the packet of flour she was poiting at us with, before answering: "Uh, roommates. We're roommates."

She looked at Kihyun whose face I wasn't able to see, and then the corners of her lips raised. "Okay", she answered, smiling as she turned around to add milk and eggs.

We passed a bit of time just sitting around and talking while she was cooking. Even though we offered our help, she gratefully denied and instead carried on doing the work herself while telling us stories about the trip, her collegues and other stuff that had happened since the last time she had seen Kihyun, which I guessed had been during the summer holidays. When she wasn't telling stories, it was my turn to talk about school, as she couldn't turn around all the time to look at Kihyun signing. Sometimes I translated and other times I talked by myself.

I become comfortable earlier than I had thought I would. His aunt was an adult, but she seemed more like one of us; even though she could definitely cook a lot better than me. She gave us some kind of chocolate sirup and I finally felt like life was coming back when we ate; maybe I had been hungry after all without noticing it.

It was only when we had almost finished and I was scraping the last bits of sirup of my plate when I was taken aback, but not by her. It was Kihyun who laid down his fork and knife and looked at me, signing. ** _I'm sorry_** , he signed, touching his shoulder with his index finger - **_earlier_** -, pointing at himself - **_I_** -, then at me, before laying his right hand above his left - **_your hand_** -, and showing both backs of his hands to me that were grabbing something imaginary while getting closer to his body. 

**_I'm sorry I took your hand earlier._ **

I wasn't able to answer for a moment, the fork in my hand in the air as I was contemplating whether I had understood right what he had just signed or not, but normally I wasn't second-guessing my knowledge. I could feel warmth spreading in my body, not exactly out of embarrassment, but of so many feelings unable to be put into words.

 ** _It's okay_** , I signed. Somehow signing always felt more intimate than talking, and additionally, I didn't really want his aunt to know what we were talking about. But there was no use in trying to hide - even though I didn't know if she had seen what Kihyun had signed, she had definitely seen that I had answered and was now staring at me, surprised and a bit incredulous.

"You know sign language?", she asked with wide eyes and I nodded, a bit timid. "Yeah, I learned it for Kihyun so it would be easier to communicate", I answered and felt both their glances on me. Once again, his aunt began to smile brightly, and said: "That's really nice of you. I always wanted to learn it but no matter how much I study, I just can't remember the signs by myself."

Kihyun signed something but I looked at him too late. His aunt laughed. "Yes, you're right." She laid down her fork on the plate and sighed while looking at the clock. "Oh, it's already so late? Maybe you two should go to bed. You can sleep longer tomorrow but you should get the bus in the afternoon."

 ** _You can sleep in the guest room or in my room_** , Kihyun signed while standing up. **_I'll help her clean up._**

"Uh, I can also help ...", I offered but both shook their head determinedly. I had to smile. "Okay", I gave up, "I'll go."

I left the kitchen to get my toothbrush out of my bag next to the door. Climbing up the stairs, I could hear Kihyun's aunt talking in the kitchen, although I couldn't understand what they were talking about. Against my original fear of meeting her I was now relieved exactly that had happened. She seemed really nice and I couldn't be more grateful that she had saved the evening that would've otherwise probably consisted of awkward glances - at least mine would've been.

But now I was confronted with the next conflict, I noticed as I was spitting out the toothpaste and cleaning my mouth with water. Guest room or Kihyun's room? I guessed he himself would sleep in his own room, so was this an invitation to sleep in the same bed? Probably. I mean, it was normal by now for us to sleep next to each other.

The only question was if I would feel comfortable with it tonight. Well, comfortable was the wrong expression, I always felt comfortable around Kihyun. But what if my so badly needed self control wasn't there once more and something like earlier would happen?

I couldn't trust myself anymore. Maybe turning down his somewhat offer would seem rude, and I would've loved to sleep next to him, but I didn't want to risk anything more.

Stretching, I crossed the hallway and opened the door leading to the guest room, that I had already discovered earlier. The air smelled like lavender, that was placed on the little cupboard next to the bed. Kihyun's bed in this house was a big as this one, I remembered, and was once again unsure if I was really making the right decision. It was a decision between desire and mind; as these beds were as small as the ones in the dorm it would be unavoidable to touch him if I slept next to him, but could I really manage it?

The decision was made for me as in the next moment, a knock on the door was audible. I turned around and saw Kihyun, who was leaning against the doorframe and looking at me. **_You're sleeping here?_** , he signed and even though I tried so hard to see an expression on his face, I couldn't. He didn't look relieved nor disappointed. Only when he had already lowered his hands I noticed I should've probably focused more on his movements than his face to know how he was feeling, but it was too late.

I was looking at him; he was again wearing the dark blue pajamas that made my body ache in every possible way, and I swallowed. **_Yes_** , I signed, not sure what to add to make it less of a firm statement. A moment of silence passed, before he answered.

 ** _Okay_** , his hands said, **_I'll wake you up tomorrow. Sleep well._**

He was already about to close the door again, and I panicked. Something didn't seem right, even though I could see nothing in his glance that would've indicated that. Probably I was just imagining things. But I felt like I needed to say more, something, so he wouldn't just go.

I hit the matress with my fist, which made him turn around; only then I noticed I had unconsciously used the method I had learned through him, hitting random objects instead of saying something. He seemed to be taken aback by that, just as much as me, but I got a hold of myself faster.

"I ... I just wanted to say", I stuttered, my lips dry, "that I really like it when you hold my hand. So, I mean, you don't have to apologize because I like it and you can hold, I mean, if you want to, maybe, you can really hold my hand whenever you want to."

We stared at each other, me desperately searching for an expression in his glance. I was blushing, furiously blushing but thankfully, the light in the room was dimmed so maybe he wouldn't be able to notice. I could see his hand playing with the hem of his tshirt, and a shy smile formed itself on his lips. **_I_** , he signed, and then stopped, suddenly looking at me with such an intense glance I felt like every molecule of air was leaving my lungs. 

**_Okay. Good night._ **

He was already gone before I could even begin thinking about an answer. The next moment, I had thrown myself on the bed, pressing my hot face against the pillow and waiting for the feeling in my stomach to subside.

I had never felt like this before, and slowly I was able to guess what people meant by butterflies in your stomach when you were in love. Kihyun made me feel emotions in every part of my body, even in my wrists and ankles if that was possible.

Somehow I was relieved he wasn't next to me when I finally turned off the lights to go to sleep; but the wish to feel him, and even if it was just the fabric of his pajamas, was too strong to ignore the rest of the night.

\---------------------------------------

The next morning, I didn't open my eyes because Kihyun was waking me up as I had expected, but rather because the noise coming from downstairs was making its way through my eardrum. It sounded like someone was banging pans against pots and as soon as I had turned around to grab my phone, I could also hear footsteps in the hallway.

Ten a.m, and everyone was already so awake? It was later than what I was used to considering we stood up at six in order to get ready for class, but nonetheless I felt like I had been run over by a car. Maybe all the stress yesterday, the stress I and only I was responsible for, had been too much for my mental condition.

With the realization of where I was also came the memory of the night and my words towards Kihyun. I groaned, hugging my pillow; why did I always have to embarrass myself? Sure, he was the one who hadn't let go of my hand, but that didn't mean it was normal to just speak so openly about it. To be honest, I had never held hands with anyone before ... butI highly doubted someone else would get the same reaction out of me. Kihyun made everything special and maybe he didn't even notice, so I should just stop pointing it out, right?

I unlocked my screen and immediately furrowed my eyebrows. My mom had texted me a few times, always the same context: Where I was, why I wasn't answering my phone ... I had last spoken to her a few weeks ago and felt guilty without being able to control it. I really wanted a good relationship with my mother, but she didn't understand that I couldn't replace ... that I couldn't replace him.

Maybe, maybe I just didn't get the concept of loss, and I was glad I didn't and had never had to. I was sorry she had had to get through it without me being able to support her as I had still been too young, but she had never understood the idea of freedom and letting go as if it would change anything to force me to stay so close ...

I quickly tiped **_I'm at school, I'm okay_** , before switching to the overview of the chats with my friends; I always told myself I'd deal with my mom later, but later was a very flexible word.

I noticed I had a few messages from Wonho. A small smile appeared on my lips. Did he miss me this much? Nah, he had probably just meet a cute girl and wanted to get some advice, as if I had a love life or something.

**_MarriedToRamen: < Changkyun I need to talk to you >_ **

**_MarriedToRamen: < I mean it's not this urgent I just feel like it's urgent >_ **

**_MarriedToRamen: < Forget that I just wanted to tell you I'm coming back on Sunday >_ **

**_< I'm becoming worried what do you need to talk about  >_ **

I didn't even have time to lock my screen before Wonho had already answered.

**_MarriedToRamen: < Sorry that was a little impulsive don't be worried >_ **

**_MarriedToRamen: < I was just thinking about sth but I'll tell you on Sunday it's not that important >_ **

**_< okay if you say so  >_ **

I shrugged to myself, closing our chat and laying my phone down on the mattress, stretching like I hadn't moved in a million years. Wonho couldn't tell me what he was thinking about wasn't important, because solely the fact he thought about it during the holidays stated the opposite. Still, I couldn't help him until he told me what all this was about, so my curious self would have to be patient until Sunday.

After having made my bed and having opened the windows, I went to the bathroom. Down in the kitchen I could hear Kihyun's aunt talking, so I guessed she was talking to Kihyun. Brushing my teeth, I sighed at my own reflection in the mirror, fixing my disheveled hair and putting on jeans and a tshirt; I wouldn't make the same mistake of facing Kihyun without a shirt on my body twice.

I couldn't help but think about how the night would have turned out if I had decided differently. I always saw Kihyun in his pajamas in front of my eyes whenever I closed them; how should I behave as soon as we would be back at the dorm?

It had become so normal for us to lay next to each other and watch shows on our phones, so normal to hold hands and do so many things that made my heart skip a beat that I didn't know how I would be able to cope with them now. Probably Kihyun was just really affectionate and interpreted them in a different and much more innocent manner than I did. Was it rightful to just carry on like it?

But it wasn't a question of rightfullness. It would seem too strange to avoid every skin contact from now on, and additionally, I would just become crazy. I didn't want these things to change. I had been able to manage them until last night, so I just had to get a hold of myself and suppress my feelings in order not to be weird.

When I finally stepped down the stairs after a few minutes of getting ready for breakfast, I could still hear Kihyun's aunt talking. I wasn't able to decipher what she was saying while I was still climbing down, but her voice seemed worried and a bit upset, a fact that made me feel irritated. Only when I was about to step into the kitchen, I heard what she was saying.

"... didn't", she said, sighing, "but that you did receive them is more than enough. Why didn't you tell me earlier? Did he --"

I stopped in front of the door, almost automatically as I noticed the topic seemed to be about something concerning Kihyun.

"But that's not the right way to deal with that!", she responded after a little silence, "If there is a right way. You know I would never -"

Kihyun always seemed to interrupt her by signing something, and during the next little pause I began to feel guilty - I didn't know what they were talking about but probably it wasn't something I should just listen to. I was about to turn around and leave, when the next sentence stopped me in my tracks.

"Did he hurt you in any way, Kihyun?"

I stayed at my spot next to the door, holding onto the doorframe like my life was depending on it. I tried to understand what his aunt had just said, but the silence in the kitchen resembled the silence in my mind. Before I would be able to hear anything else, I quickly took a few steps back on the stairs, walking down once more, this time with louder steps.

When I was entering the kitchen a few seconds later, Kihyun was sitting on a barstool and his aunt standing in front of the oven, stirring eggs with chopsticks. He was staring at the surface of the counter and only looked up when I greeted: "Uh, good morning."

"Good morning, Changkyun!" I couldn't imagine any other expression than a smile on his aunt's face as she turned around, and still, her voice only a few moments ago had sounded everything but happy. I sat down next to Kihyun, my hands slighly trembling.

We didn't talk too much during the breakfast. I tried to eat my scrambled eggs although I wasn't hungry at all, always looking at Kihyun who seemed to be somewhere else with his thoughts. His aunt's sentence was playing in my mind like an endless loop, and a few times I opened my mouth but closed it again only a second later.

I couldn't ask. I couldn't ask about something I hadn't even been supposed to hear, even if the lack of knowledge was killing me.

 _Did he hurt you in any way, Kihyun?_ Who? And whoever they were talking about, why should he hurt Kihyun? I wanted to get his name and address and know what he had done so I could think about getting revenge because the thought alone of someone hurting Kihyun was physically painful ...

Were they maybe talking about Doyoung? It was just an assumption, and I didn't know everything about Kihyun's life, but what I knew was that he seemed to have problems with him. He was the only person I could think of. But it didn't make sense at all the longer I thought about it. Doyoung had never actively hurt Kihyun, so why should his aunt know all about the little conflicts we had in class?

I had to think about Kihyun's strange behavior during the last few days, the way he always turned around and looked like he was expecting to see someone else other than me besides him. Had he been afraid of something? But why would he think Doyoung would follow us here?

The longer I thought about it, the more confused I became. I hoped his aunt wouldn't notice how much I stared at Kihyun while chewing like it would help my brain work faster. But when I looked up after finishing, she was just smiling at me like she had done yesterday; and all of a sudden I felt a bit uncomfortable, not because there was anything scary or rude in her glance, but rather because she looked at me with an imaginary smirk like she knew something I didn't.

"So", she began, balancing her chopsticks between her fingers, "you two are roommates, righ---"

I looked up just in time to see her flinch a bit like someone had hit her and looked at Kihyun, who was shyly staring at his plate like it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen.

"Yes", I answered, not really sure where this was going. She seemed to think about something for a second, while her glance laid on Kihyun, but then she laughed and stood up. "Okay, I think I shouldn't keep you two from leaving any longer. The bus leaves in half an hour, so I suggest you pack your bags and then I can bring you to the bus station."

I thanked her for the food and her hospitality and we passed a few more words about school and exams before I followed Kihyun up the stairs. I was already about to go in my room when he grabbed my arm, holding me back; I turned around, looking at him questioningly as he signed: **_I'm sorry. She asks a lot of questions sometimes._**

I just smiled; I could've bet she would've liked to ask a lot more but Kihyun probably hadn't felt too comfortable with it, even though I didn't really understand why. The whole atmosphere had been a bit strange since I had overheard their conversation, but that was solely my fault. No one else was to blame I always had to intervene with other people's business.

Still, I couldn't help but look at Kihyun like I was trying to get my answer just out of the way he was responding to my glance. Maybe I was just interpreting too much, I thought, and it was all a lot more harmless than I guessed. Nonetheless, I silently promised myself I would protect him, whatever he and his aunt had talked about. How I would manage to do this was another question yet to be answered.

Because in that moment, with Kihyun's hand on my arm, making my skin burn like fire, I swear I felt weaker than I had ever done before.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Thank you for everything, it was really nice of you to let us stay for the night."

"No problem, darling!" There it was again, the faint scent of perfume that I couldn't identify. Kihyun's aunt laughed, embracing Kihyun once more while I was standing next to them, just glad to see Kihyun had someone who truly cared about him.

She was still waving at us when the bus was already about to turn around the corner of the street. Kihyun was leaning his head against the window; he seemed a bit more relaxed than he had been at the breakfast, as if he had been really afraid his aunt would say something incredibly embarrassing. I had to laugh at his face as he was staring out the window, a slight pout on his lips, and he turned around. 

**_What's the matter?_ **

I had already laid my finger against my lips and was ready to drag it to my chin in order to sign what I wanted to convey; but then I noticed what I was about to say and quickly let my hand sink, looking away so I wouldn't blush, but there was no use. What had I said about not telling Kihyun he was cute so he wouldn't think I was behaving strange?

I was already about to change the topic, but Kihyun wasn't ready to. With a quick motion, he took my hand, laid my fingers against each other the way he needed them to be for the sign and laid his own hand over mine as if he wanted to show me how to sign it right as he guided my hand in front of his face from his lips to his chin.

Even though my fingers didn't touch him I felt my palms becoming wet and my breath was caught in my throat. He smiled at my obviously surprised face and laid my lifeless hand in my lap, pointing at the phone in the pocket of my trousers as a silent question to text.

I calmed down while we were talking about what we would have to do the rest of the holidays, a few essays and projects basically, but my body was still on the verge of melting right beside him. I was glad when we finally got to a topic I could think about without freaking out - his birthday.

I noticed how he began to smile as soon as I mentioned it, and asked myself if he had really thought I would forget it. How could I? If there was any birthday I should remember, it was his, and I was determined to make it a beautiful day for him, even if I didn't yet have any idea what to gift him.

Maybe we would eat something with the others and then just keep to our daily routine of watching kdrama, he proposed, and I felt my heart warm up. Not being able to contain my feelings, I began to smile like an idiot.

This evening, when we had already unpacked all our luggage and Kihyun had sat down to work on his homework, I decided to walk around the city a bit just to get a glimpse of my options of gifts. Of course I didn't tell Kihyun; I used the excuse of having to buy a book for math.

It was getting really cold outside in the middle of November, and I closed the zipper of my jacket completely. I would have to remember to take an extra sweater to class with me for Kihyun, I noted in my mind as I watched the displays of shops advertised with bright lights against the dark sky - and then I stopped. And smiled.

A few minutes later I left the shop with a bag in my hand and I bubbly feeling in my stomach, thinking about the upcoming Monday; I took out my phone to look at the time when I noticed I had a new message.

**_Kihyun: < Hey, can you maybe buy us something for dinner? We have nothing in our room ^.^ >_ **

I grinned, buying something else wasn't the worst idea, besides the point we needed it. Kihyun would get suspicious if I just turned up with one bag and refused to show him what was inside, but if I bought something to eat he would maybe be distracted enough not to notice I was holding his birthday present ... and maybe I should also buy chocolate icecream before returning home to Kihyun.

I was already about to walk in the direction of the convenience shop when I noticed something else, staring at my phone. Putting the bag on my elbow, I tiped.

**_< Yeah, sure :D  >_ **

It only took a few seconds for Kihyun to answer.

**_My home <3: < Okay :) >_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it :)  
> I'd love to hear what you think about the current events in the reviews ^.^  
> Much love,  
> Akiko


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies :)  
> I've finally come around to finish this chapter, and as an apology for the long wait it's extra long. It's somehow the beginning of a chain of events that I've planned for to happen so be exited ^.^  
> Love,  
> Akiko

**_I still can't believe it, why on earth are we eating chocolate icecream? In the middle of November?_ **

It took me a moment to look at the chat after the so well known noise of a new message coming in had chimed. The brightness of the phone's display combined with the desk lamp I had turned on were the only light sources illuminating the work in front of me over which I was leaning, chin propped on the palm of my hand, the tip of my pen floating over the paper like it was waiting for mental inspiration.

Tilting my head, I focused on the message, as the next one came in.

**_As breakfast?_ **

I snorted, amused, before turning around in my chair to look at Kihyun who was lying in his bed, face half hid behind his pillow. He looked up from his phone, a grin on his lips.

"You're the only one who's still eating", I responded, pointing at the icecream next to him. "I've already finished mine, like, half an hour ago."

Kihyun and me had been basically living off chocolate icecream for the last few days, ever since I had bought enough on Wednesday to get us through a week just on frozen sugar. I wasn't complaining, as I still liked it, no matter how much I ate. And I knew Kihyun did, too, even if it had become kind of an inside joke to wonder what had gone wrong in our education to make us become the kind of people we were.

As a response, Kihyun just took another spoonful of icecream and scrolled on his phone, probably reading a novel he had downloaded or something. It was a nice atmosphere, the rain outside drumming against the window and the room dimmed although it wasn't even late afternoon yet. I rubbed my eyes, yawning; I wasn't used to standing up as early as I had done today anymore. Since we had come back from Seoul, we had spent our days with reading, texting and watching kdramas or stupid videos on the Internet after having slept till midday. It was only yesterday evening that I had noticed I should probably get out of bed earlier today to finish some work I had put off until the last day of autumn break.

And once again I was reminded why Kihyun was a lot smarter than me - in contrast to me, he had worked a bit every day while I had been sleeping and was now able to relax while I was trying to find solutions to math problems that seemed as unimportant to me as the dust that was most likely on the top of our closet.

I allowed myself to look at him a second longer, the way he was hugging his blanket making my heart beat faster as well as making me wish I was born as a blanket, before turning around again to focus on my work.

Proudly, I could without exaggeration say I had been able to suppress my feelings during the last few days without any unwanted incidents. Although, admittingly, I had taken more than just a bit of self control not to do anything as stupid as trying to kiss Kihyun in his sleep again. When he had fallen asleep two times on my shoulder this week, I had felt like dying a little bit inside. The first time, I had tried to lie him down next to me. The second time, I had just given up, placed my cheek on his hair and fallen asleep, too.

Ever since I had noticed my feelings for him, which felt like it had happened an eternity ago, but was in fact just a week in the past, it was way more obvious how much skinship exactly happened between us. Sometimes it wasn't quite clear who iniciated it, but even if it was me, Kihyun was more than just willing to go along with it. Except for making my heart skip a beat, it also made me incredibly confused.

Although I wanted to interpret so much more into that, I forced myself not to. Kihyun was a very affectionate person, and the fact he had been like this ever since we had met just proved my point of him not liking me as much as it was the case the other way around.

Still, it wasn't like I wasn't thinking about every possibiltiy of what I could possibly do to change something about the situation. But each and every one of them put me in front of the unspoken problem always in the back of my mind: Kihyun probably saw me as just a friend and trying to make more out of our relationship would maybe just destroy it completely.

And so - I avoided thinking about it. Like I always did with things that stressed me. Instead normally these things weren't walking around in front of my eyes with pajamas sitting so perfectly they should be illegal, or messaging me cute texts with smileys. It was exhausting.

I almost flinched when I felt hands on my shoulders. Kihyun was as silent as a cat when standing up and walking, and it wasn't the first time he was doing something like this, but it still surprised me every time. The fingertips of his left hand were softly pressing against my collarbone and I bit on my bottom lip, forcing myself to finish the word I was writing down.

**_I'm going downstairs to check the mail_** , he signed as soon as I had looked up. I just nodded. Lately, Kihyun had been really obsessed with the mail, although I didn't know why. He always came back with empty hands. Apparently he was waiting to receive something important, or maybe it was just the lack of productiveness in our room that urged him to leave the four walls every one in a while.

While he was gone, I tried to focus on my work again. I wanted to get it done until six o'clock, before the others turned up again. Knowning my friends, they probably wouldn't have a lot to tell me. Just because they left the dorm didn't mean they had experienced anything. Instead of laying in their dorm beds they had probably just laid in their beds at home.

Except for Jooheon maybe - but I surely wouldn't ask him about the details of his love life. He and Seoyeon were more than just cute together, and it was the way he looked at her that had made me notice the way I looked at Kihyun, but that didn't mean I wanted any more information.

But - Wonho. He had been the one to message me in the middle of the break when we had still been at Kihyun's aunt's house and that fact alone told me a lot about the category of the topic he wanted to talk about. Almost having forgotten about it since Wednesday, my curiousness suddenly began to show again. Maybe something exciting had happened after all.

Well, I would find out at six o'clock - but until then, a lot of work was waiting to get done by me.

I managed to solve a few exercises until Kihyun came back. I didn't turn around so I wouldn't be too distracted by his pajamas which were becoming a real obsession or rather problem for me, but the sound of paper rustling soon drew my attention. I threw a glance over my shoulder and was surprised to see a letter in Kihyun's hand.

"What is it?", I asked and he looked up, kind of as if he had been lost in his thoughts just seconds ago. He spread the fingers of his right hand and let it do a little circle in front of his chest. **_Family._**

Even though I tried my best not to be curious, I couldn't help but wonder who he was talking about. His aunt surely wouldn't have sent him a letter when she could just call him. Was this about his parents? It still interested me why he didn't want to talk about them, but I wasn't so dumb and reckless I would've asked.

I thought he had read the letter while I was busy doing my homework, but when I turned around again, he hadn't even opened it yet. Noticing my glance, he looked up, his bangs falling over his eyes. **_What time is it?_**

I reached for my phone, almost startled when I read the time. **_Five thirty_** , I signed, furrowing my eyebrows. I hadn't thought so much time would've passed, but apparently I had been more invested in my work than I had thought. "Do we want to go to the bus stop in twenty minutes?", I asked and Kihyun nodded, laying the still closed letter on his nightstand.

He went to the bathroom to get dressed while I tried to finish the last question. To be entirely honest, I was kind of unsure how to feel about the others coming back. It felt like betraying them, and of course I was happy to see them again as a part of me was missing them really badly; but another part of me wanted to cherish the undisturbed moments between Kihyun and me for a while more.

The weeks between autumn and winter break would be stressful, and I knew that. A lot of exams were coming up and while I was still dreading getting my chemistry test back, I also knew that meant less time to be spent with Kihyun. The last days, I had always awoken a few minutes earlier than him, being able to stare at his sleeping figure until he opened his eyes. Starting school again would also mean cutting down on our time together, and somehow, that fact made me hate school even more.

When Kihyun laid his hands on my shoulder for a second time, I would've almost melted beneath them. Closing the folder in front of me and putting the pen back into the pencilcase, I allowed myself to let my heart beat faster for a second longer before turning around and almost bumping my head with Kihyun's. He laughed, tilting his head in the direction of the door and I nodded; thank god his sinful pajamas were finally gone.

Sometimes I felt like a godly creature or force was testing my limits by letting Kihyun in my life, but even if that was the case, I could've never been more grateful.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

"Let me tell you, that man was creepy as hell!" Hyungwon was trying to lively explain what horrors they had had to go through during their bus ride, using hands and feet to make us understand. He almost slapped Wonho in the face, who seemed like he couldn't care less. His tired eyes were focused on Hyungwon like he was a shining star.

"Maybe he wanted to kidnap you", Jooheon suggested, turning around and grinning. He and Seoyeon were walking at the front of our little group on its way to the dorms, and it was the first time he actually said something since they had left the bus; the way he had been so concentrated on Seoyeon was heartwarming in a way hard to describe. Walking at the very end, I had picked the right place to observe what was going on with my friends, and I had already been able to make some interesting observations during the last five minutes.

"I know I'm so good-looking everybody would want me in their cellar", Hyungwon answered playfully, "but you should've seen him. He turned around like every two minutes and stared at us without any expression on his face. If it had been dark outside, I would've felt like I was in some creepypasta about a deadly bus ride to Incheon."

Hyungwon was - except for the Jooheon and Seoyeon couple maybe, who seemed to be pretty happy to be back and more in love than ever, a fact that made me feel very warm inside - the only one really interested in talking a lot and telling about how he had spent his week. Wonho, who was walking next to him, was, even though he was staring so intensely at Hyungwon, somewhere else with his thoughts. He seemed tired, something I wasn't really used to see on his face; I hoped it was just because of the bus ride, but thinking about the messages he had texted me that were very unusual for his normally happy spirit made me a bit worried.

Hyunwoo and Minhyuk walking directly in front of me weren't much better. While Hyunwoo was a very calm and not so talkactive person in the first place, Minhyuk definitely lacked some of his positiveness he was so famous for. It made me feel weird, like something big had happened to everyone and I was the only one who didn't know about it, which was complete nonsense. Still, I hoped they would all open up once we were at the restaurant and tell us what exactly was wrong.

Until then, Kihyun and me just listened to Hyungwon and Jooheon talking. Like it was something normal, what it had kind of become for us, Kihyun had taken the place next to me. He was kicking a stone along the pavement, our intertwined hands swinging back and forth between our bodies. He didn't seem to care one bit about my palm that was slowly starting to sweat, his thumb occasionally brushing over the back of my hand.

Ever since I had told him I was more than just okay with him holding my hand, he made use of every situation and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. Probably both. At once.

"How about we just quickly get our stuff into our rooms and meet here again to go eat ramen?", Jooheon proposed as soon as we had reached the dorm a few minutes later, and everyone nodded. While he and the others went upstairs, Kihyun, Seoyeon and me stayed in the entrance hall.

"So, how have your holidays been?", I asked, eager for some conversation with people who didn't seem like they had been hit by a big stone on the head several times like the others did. I noticed Seoyeon had cut her hair a bit shorter, so it was only a bit longer than shoulder-length now, and had a bright red scarf draped around her neck. She smiled, her eyes sparkling. "Really awesome. It wasn't a lot of stress for me as I only live a few minutes away from here, because you know, no girls allowed in the dorm and stuff, so I just stayed with my parents over the week as always. Got my work done in the first few days and then Jooheon came over and we spent a lot of time together, so ... it was really nice. What did you do?"

I noticed her glance fell on our hands that were still intertwined, but she looked up as quickly as she had looked down; the soft smile on her lips didn't change, and I answered: "Oh, we've been to Seoul for a few days, and I met Kihyun's aunt. Just a little roadtrip."

Kihyun squeezed my hand and I turned to him, following the movements of his fingers with my eyes before translating. "Kihyun says we were lazy -hey!", I exclaimed, faking being offended. Seoyeon and him just laughed.

"What do you think about the others?", Seoyeon suddenly asked, leaning a bit forward like she was afraid the others would hear. I furrowed my eyebrows, wanting to be sure what she was talking about: "What do you mean?"

"Well", she shrugged, "they're all behaving pretty strange, right? I mean, I don't know them as good as you do, but normally, Minhyuk and Wonho aren't so quiet."

"Right, that's what I thought, too", I agreed and slowly shook my head. "I really don't know what's going on. Wonho also texted me but I have yet to discover what he wants to talk about. I'll try to get to know what's going on, I really can't take this tense atmosphere."

"Yeah, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one feeling these vibes", Seoyeon laughed. "Let's just hope we'll get a better mood as soon as we're eating. Wonho is normally easy to bribe with a bowl of ramen."

I could only agree with her. We talked a bit about school, teachers and upcoming assignments, me doing most of the talking while Kihyun added some comments from time to time which I translated without problems. He seemed comfortable just letting me speak for us both, and I was close to blushing whenever I saw the warm, soft expression in Seoyeon's eyes when she looked at me after I had told her what Kihyun had wanted to say.

Even though his signing was restricted with us holding hands, he didn't let go. I tried not to get caught to much in the feelings of his fingers against mine. When the others came back down after having placed their suitcases in their rooms, the only one who seemed to notice was Jooheon. His glance lingered on us for a second while we were walking outside, and when I turned around I could see him leaning over to Seoyeon as if he was whispering something in her ear. Oh my, some strange force was really testing my curiousness these days.

It was the middle of November and pretty cold outside, now that the sun had vanished behind the horizon and left the sky with only a few streaks of bright clouds mixed with grey and dark blue. The city wasn't as busy anymore as it had been half an hour ago, as if the dawning darkness was urging everyone to return home as fast as possible. The walk to the ramen restaurant didn't seem as long this time, maybe because we didn't lose track of our way like we had done at the beginning of the year.

How much had changed since then, I thought as I looked around. Although I didn't want to, my glance automatically focused on Kihyun. I couldn't help but think about how different everything would be if he hadn't turned up. I would maybe live alone or have another roommate, but I certainly wouldn't be in love and constantly second-guessing every choice I made. I wouldn't have someone to hold my hand, I wouldn't be able to speak sign language and probably fail the class, and I would still be eating my chocolate icecream all by myself.

The ramen shop was busier than last time, but fortunately we still managed to get a free table big enough for all of us to fit around it. I slipped onto the chair next to Kihyun like it was coincidence, but internally, I felt strangely successful. Seoyeon was greeting the shop owner and talking about her holidays, but when she came back, she sat down next to Jooheon, who had made sure there was still space.

Kihyun began talking to Minhyuk and Wonho, who was very unfortunately sitting at the other side of the table, making it impossible for me to talk to him, so that I had to wait for doing so; instead, I began to chat with Hyunwoo and Hyungwon, the latter more busy with counting the hours he had slept during the break than talking to us.

"You two were staying, right?", Hyunwoo asked, pointing at Kihyun and me with the chopsticks he had taken out of the container placed on the table. I nodded. "Yeah, we went on a roadtrip to Seoul and then spent the rest of the week basically eating and sleeping." - "Not as much as me", commented Hyungwon, using his fingers to count. I rolled my eyes. "I've given up on competing with you long ago." - "You better did."

"Roadtrip?", Hyunwoo asked with raised eyebrows. "Wow, what did you do?" I had to laugh, looking at his impressed face. "Not very much to be honest. Sleeping in a hotel bed instead of in the dorm. We went to the movie theatre -", I stopped for a moment, praying they wouldn't ask what movie we had seen because I literally had no idea as Kihyun had been distracting me way too much, "And well, yeah, we spent a night at his aunt's house before coming back."

Hyunwoo nodded, opening his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the waitress coming at our table. We told her our order and gave back the menus before returning to our conversation. I noticed Hyunwoo was looking in Minhyuk's direction, who was busy reading something Kihyun had tiped into his phone, and I took use of the opportunity to ask him what was going on.

"You're good friends with Minhyuk, right?", I asked, making him look at me again. "I mean, I'm friends with him, too, but you've already met him when you moved here, right?"

Hyunwoo slowly nodded. "My parents had to move here because of my dad's job, and it all had to happen very quickly, so the whole summer we were busy looking for a house. Travelled from one end of the city to another, over and over again. All these meetings with estate agents were so boring I decided to get to know the city by myself a bit. And so I met Minhyuk. We did a lot of things together during the summer holidays, and when we finally moved in our houses weren't even this far apart."

He stopped for a second, thinking about what to say next. "I decided to go to a boarding school because it's always been a bit boring at home without any siblings, and now my grandparents are far away, too. To be honest, I never really understood why Minhyuk didn't stay at his school, and he never quite wanted to tell me whenever the topic came up. That was strange since the beginning, but since these holidays, I'm rather sure something's not right."

"What do you mean?", I asked. "I've noticed he's not his usual happy self, but do you think it has something to do with school?"

"No, not school", he responded, lowering his voice, maybe afraid Minhyuk would hear it. "With his parents."

"His parents?", Hyungwon now asked and I shot him a glance for talking so loud, making him shut up immediately. Minhyuk was still talking to Kihyun. "Why with his parents?"

"He told me they sent him there to concentrate more on school and get better grades", Hyunwoo continued, "but I don't quite think that's the reason. We wanted to meet in the holidays, but he never answered the phone and earlier today he first told me he had lost his phone, but then admitted his parents have taken it from him."

"Why would they do this?", I asked and furrowed my eyebrows. "As far as I know Minhyuk has really good grades this year and it was during the break so ..."

"I think there's something he doesn't want to tell me", Hyunwoo responded. I could see the sadness in his eyes. "He seems really depressed and I'm not used to that behaviour of him. I wish he would tell me what is going on. I'm afraid he ... he doesn't trust me enough."

Hyunwoo turned his head and looked at Minhyuk. Hyungwon was still preoccupied with playing with his chopsticks, so he didn't notice, but I saw the way his glance lingered on the other for a second longer that it had to.

"I'll try to talk to him", I said, smiling, "But don't worry. I think he trusts you but it might just be a sensitive topic to talk about." I knew that by experience - I myself also tried to avoid talking about family as much as possible. It was hard to explain everything, and even harder to make someone else understand.

Hyunwoo nodded, grateful but still sad, and I wished I could change something about it. Maybe I was just imagining things, but the way he had looked at Minhyuk just now had reminded me of two other people sitting at this table, happily laughing and chatting, and maybe also a bit of the way I looked at Kihyun. Most likely I was just imagining it, but it still made me feel warm inside.

The rest of the evening passed without any other incidents, and even though I could clearly sense something was wrong, no one let it show. It were just basic conversations; I told the others about our trip and we ended up already making plans for the winter holidays. Even though I wasn't keen on going back to school, I was happy for the moment with all of them around me, slurping their soup and eating their noddles and making bad jokes. There was a security and safety within this little group of people I so much adored that made me appreciate every step on our way that had led to sitting at this table in that exact moment.

And because they were my friends and I also felt responsible for their happiness, I decided to take care of things before they would get out of hand. When we left the restaurant, stomach filled with food and jackets closed tightly to protect us from the cold, I made sure to walk next to Minhyuk. Hyunwoo, who was talking to Kihyun, didn't seem to notice, and it made me feel less pressured although it had been my suggestion to talk to him.

"Hey", I said as soon as we had a reasonable, maybe two or three meter distance from the others. "How are you? We haven't talked too much tonight."

Minhyuk looked up, a soft smile on his lips. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I wanted to ask you about Seoul but Kihyun told me a story about you spending a whole day in a book shop or something and I was too interested to stop listening."

I laughed and buried my hands in the pockets of my trousers. "Oh, that story. We didn't really have anything else to do that day and nobody said anything, but I bet they would've if we had come back the next day."

There was a moment of silence and I decided to take use of the opportunity: "So, what did you do during the holiday? Did you do something with Hyunwoo?"

Minhyuk's smile fell a bit, although he tried his best to hide it. "Uh, no. I ... I really wanted to, but I couldn't. My parents, they ... well."

Oh, so we were already hitting the ground of the problem. "Do you ... do you have any problems with your parents?"

He looked at me for a moment, no clear expression in his eyes, before he turned his head to the others. He seemed to think for a moment. Then, after a few seconds that felt like an eternity, he asked: "Would ... would it be a problem for you to go with me to the convenience store real quick? We can talk on the way there."

I was taken aback for a second, but then shrugged. "Sure." The others were all walking in front of us, and as soon as we had reached the next crossing, I called out for them. "Hey, Minhyuk and me are just going to buy snacks, okay?"

Hyunwoo looked at me like he could guess what we would be talking about, and waved at us, just like the others did, Jooheon telling us he'd see us again at breakfast and Seoyeon saying something about math class tomorrow. Kihyun was signing and it took me a moment to understand what he was saying, and as I did, he had already turned around and followed the others. I stood there for a second, mouth dry, before I went after Minhyuk.

**_I'll wait for you._ **

"You're fluent now?", he asked, a faint smile on his lips as I stumbled after him. "Uh, I don't know, probably not. But I know enough to talk to Kihyun without problems."

"You're cute together", Minhyuk responded and I almost tripped over my own feet at these words, coughing hastily in order to cover up my excitement and nervousness. "C-cute?"

Minhyuk turned around, shrugging. "I'm just stating the obvious. We all think you're cute together."

I decided not to contribute anything more to that topic, still trying to process the thought they talked about me and Kihyun and thought we were ... cute together. Kihyun was cute, sure, he was the cutest creature on this earth, but hearing someone else voicing things I had only imagined in my mind so far was a step further. Did he mean us together as friends or more? I tried not to question it to much.

Caught in my own thoughts, I almost didn't notice the silence that had spread as we were walking, until Minhyuk broke it. I remarked the sudden change in his voice as soon as he had spoken the first syllable: "My parents took my phone."

"Why?", I blurted out without thinking about it, but Minhyuk didn't seem to mind. As quiet as he had been all this time, during our walk and even in the restaurant, as hurried he seemed to be now, trying to get everything out of him that must've been so deeply hidden in his mind.

"They didn't want me talking to anybody", he answered, voice skipping the very ends of the words as he was talking so fast, "And especially not to anyone I've met in school or some of my old friends. I thought they'd finally leave me alone with all of this if I change schools, but they're so afraid it will happen again and I just can't endure the things they say to me anymore."

"All of this?", I asked, confused. "So ... you didn't change schools because of your grades."

"If it would've only been because of my grades." He pressed his lips together for a moment. "I've always had good grades, always. They just wanted ... just wanted to prevent me from meeting him again." Looking at my confused face out of the corner of his eye, Minhyuk furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm ... I'm sorry, this is all so much to explain and I'm not making it any better ..." He pressed the back of his hand against his forehead and beneath the lights of the streetlamps around us I could see his eyes glistening.

"Hey, are you okay?", I asked and noticed horrified how his shoulder began to slightly shake. "Come on, let's sit down." Before he could protest, I had already grabbed his wrist and forced him to sit down on the bench we were passing, leaning foreward so I could look at him. "Tell me everything from the beginning on."

He clenched his hands to fists and pressed them against his knees. "Last year, there ... there was this boy in my class and even though we never talked I really liked him a lot. Like, not as a friend." He shot me a cautious glance and I smiled, trying to signal I had absolutely no problem with that information. "And well, somehow he suddenly also showed interest in me and so we met one afternoon and everything went great and he ... kissed me when we said goodbye. But then, the next day, everybody had pictures of us kissing and I found out his friends had followed us and it was all just a plan to make me look stupid because I was the nerd and deserved it ...

And then my parents found out when my teachers called them because I wasn't showing up to school anymore. And they ... they didn't know I liked boys and my dad got really angry and didn't understand the whole problem and so they sent me here so I wouldn't see that boy again."

His voice was trembling. "And ... and so they took me phone to see if I had texted him again, o-or anybody else. I saw Hyunwoo's messages, but I didn't want them to see them or else they would try to tell me not to meet him anymore, so I refused to tell them the PIN. And they got even angrier and we had a big fight and long story short ... I now have one of these old phones that can only receive calls so they can stay in contact with me, and I'm not allowed to meet anyone in the holidays." I saw the tears in his eyes were welling up again. "And they just don't understand! I'm so afraid that they'll know that I ... I ... and Hyunwoo ..."

I didn't ask him if he liked Hyunwoo. I already knew it, and even if I didn't, it was none of business. Instead, I reassuringly put an arm around his shoulder, trying to calm him down. Somewhere inside his pocket he found a tissue and pressed it against his eyes as an attempt to stop the tears.

"It's okay", I tried to tell him even though I knew it wasn't. "You're here now and you have us, and maybe ... someday they'll understand. You're their son, they wouldn't just abandon just because of something like this. Don't worry about it, okay? It's none of their business who you like, so you don't have to tell them. And if they find out, tell me, okay? I'm here for you."

He mumbled a weak thank you, and I added: "Maybe you should talk to Hyunwoo."

At the mention of his name, his head shot up. "What? Why?"

"He's worried about you", I explained, "Because you didn't answer his messages -"

"If I tell him", Minhyuk sobbed, "he'll ask why I was afraid my parents would see his messages, and then I'd have to tell him they hold so much more meaning for me than ... than they do for him."

"Are you sure about that?", I asked and he pressed his lips together. "I won't make the same mistake twice. Hyunwoo's not like this, and I know that, but I just, I can't."

I opened my mouth, wanting to say something, but closed it again, deciding not to. I didn't know how Minhyuk was feeling, and even though I was sure Hyunwoo would understand, I could also relate to Minhyuk. Talking about all of this to Hyunwoo would most likely also reveal his feelings, and even though he clearly seemed to doubt Hyunwoo was returning them, it wouldn't be right for me to make any assumptions about it, not if I wasn't sure. I interpreted a lot in glances, and I didn't want Minhyuk to think Hyunwoo liked him back when it maybe, most unlikely, but maybe wasn't the case.

I was relieved he had told me all of this, and after he had calmed down and I had promised him not to tell Hyunwoo if he would somehow make him understand he was alright so he wouldn't have to worry anymore, we went home. On the way, we stopped at the store and I quickly bought some candies so we wouldn't be too suspicious.

Mrs Kim had already gone home, and Minhyuk and I parted ways as soon as we had reached the stairs. I looked after him for second; hoping our conversation had made the whole situation a little bit better for him. At least he wouldn't have to face his parents for the next few weeks until winter holidays began. In my mind, I noted to take care of him. That seemed ridiculous, thinking about how I couldn't even take care of myself, but seeing him cry had awoken the urge to protect him and so my decision was made.

Stretching, I walked upstairs to the third floor. Being so occupied with Minhyuk, I had almost entirely forgotten about Kihyun, and now the sudden realization hit me like a brick in the face. I'll wait for you. Something about these words was so intimate and intense I felt shivers running down my spine.

I was already thinking about how I should face Kihyun after this, but I didn't have to worry about it - as soon as I had opened the door to our room, I was greeted with the sight of two familiar faces instead of one. Kihyun, who I had expected to see, was sitting cross-legged on his bed, Wonho, who I hadn't expected to see, on his chair.

"Hey", I said, a bit surprised. Although it was in the middle of the night and I was tired, I was relieved to see him. I hadn't gotten the chance yet to ask him about these strange messages he had send last Wednesday because of all the other things that had been going on.

Kihyun waved happily and Wonho responded: "Hey, what did you buy?"

I held up the bag of candies. "Is that really the first question you're asking me?", I laughed and threw it his direction. "Is that what our friendship is based on?"

He caught it with half a grin on his face. "Of course."

"May I ask what you are doing in the middle of the night in our room?", I asked, raising my eyebrows. "Not that I'm complaining, I'm happy we can finally talk, but if that's the reason I'm slowly becoming really afraid."

"Afraid?", Wonho asked, unwrapping a piece of candy. "Because of my messages?"

"You normally don't care for anything else than food and sleep in the holidays", I responded, taking my pajamas out of my closet and laying them together with my wallet and phone on my desk. "So yes, I was slightly concerned for your wellbeing."

Wonho shrugged, his smile vanishing a bit. "I had a lot to think about last week. There was no one I could talk to and I felt kind of overwhelmed, but as soon as I had sent the messages, I felt even more stupid."

I was already about to sit down on my bed as Kihyun slid closer to the wall and hit the mattress as a sign for me to sit down next to him. I did so, enjoying the way our knees bumped against each other as I moved closer.

"Are you okay?", I asked the most important question, as Wonho threw a piece of candy in Kihyun's direction. He seemed to be searching for a specific candy in the bag, but then I noticed he was just trying to find the right words. As he looked up once more, he shrugged again.

"Can ... can I ask you something really important?", Wonho asked and looked at both Kihyun and me. "But you have to promise me you don't laugh."

I held up my pinky finger and Kihyun did, too. Wonho smiled a bit, opening another piece of candy before he finally asked: "How do you know if someone likes you?"

I was taken aback by that question, as if all air had just disappeared around me and left me in a void. Kihyun's silence next to me was uninterpretable as he was always silent, and I didn't know if I should feel uncomfortable. "W-Why are you asking something like this?", I responded, straightening my shoulders.

"Well, I like ... someone", Wonho responded. Neither Kihyun nor me asked who he was talking about. I don't know why Kihyun didn't, but I myself didn't even think about it at that moment. I was just relieved to hear this wasn't something Wonho asked because he knew about my feelings for Kihyun or anything like that. Not that I took myself so serious, but after Minhyuk's comment about everyone thinking Kihyun and me were cute together, I couldn't help it.

Kihyun apparently wasn't as speechless as me, as I felt his hand on my knee; when I looked up, he started signing, my weak brain trying to process the words.

"He asks if you ask because you want to know if the person likes you back", I translated and still couldn't help observing Kihyun out of the corner of my eye. Wonho was asking me for advice? I would've given anything to possess enough knowledge to help him out, but I didn't even know where to start. If I did, I would certainly be more sure about whether Kihyun was returning my feelings or not.

"Yeah", Wonho responded. "I don't know, I've been asking myself that for a long time now and I have no idea, and last week I had the feeling of going crazy."

I was already about to ask why he hadn't told me earlier, but then stopped. I had no idea who this was about and I couldn't really blame him for not telling me. I hadn't mentioned my feelings towards Kihyun in any way and wasn't really planning on doing so, or else everything would just get more awkward, so who was I to judge? Feelings were never easy, and talking about them to someone who wasn't primarily concerned made it even worse sometimes.

"Well", I began after a few seconds, scratching my neck, embarrassed. "I ... I don't really know the answer to that." _I would like to know it myself._

Kihyun's hand stroked over my thigh - shivers weren't the right word to describe the reaction of my body, it felt like part of me was dying - and I looked up, trying to speak as his hands were moving. "It's ... not easy", I translated, biting on my lip. "You can ... never be ... sure ... about it. I would ... say ... just try to ... show it. I'd even ... say to ... just be bold about it but ... it's not that easy."

Kihyun let his hands sink and my heart began beating against my ripcage like I had locked birds in there. Clearing my throat, I tried to concentrate on Wonho, who was stuffing candies into his mouth. Be bold about it. Oh how I would like to. Without me being able to control it, my glance focused on Kihyun's lips, the way he bit on them as he was waiting for Wonho's reaction. 

He was so damn _beautiful_ and he didn't even know how - ...

"It's really not that easy ...", Wonho whispered under his breath and I looked up, relieved Kihyun hadn't noticed how I was looking at him. Anxiously, I dried my wet palms with the hem of my shirt and said: "I'm sorry I don't have any great advice for you. How about asking Jooheon?"

Wonho shrugged, his new favorite movement, eating another piece of candy. "I don't really know to be honest. Him and Seoyeon, I still don't know how they got together. If you ask me, it's a miracle. How do people survive this? One of two people has to die in order to get into a relationship ..."

I almost laughed, even though I had to agree with him. Now becoming a bit curious, I asked: "Is there any way we can help you?" Did I even know the person he liked?

I was on the verge of letting my curiousness win over my conscience, but then, all of a sudden, he stood up, almost knocking the chair over and announced: "It's okay. I have a plan now."

I grinned. "If it's a plan that doesn't hurt anybody ..."

"I can't guarantee that", he responded, throwing the bag of candy at me. "But thank you for your advice. I feel a lot better now."

Kihyun signed. "He says, no problem", I answered. "Also concerning me, no problem. That's what friends are for and -- wait." I furrowed my eyebrows, holding up the bag of candy. "Are you serious? It's almost empty!"

Wonho laughed, quickly taking a few steps back so I wouldn't be able to slap him. "That's what friends are for, right?"

Before I could respond anything, he had already left, closing the door behind him. Kihyun laughed, taking the bag out of my hands and counting the candies left. Smiling, he shook his head, before he stood up and laid them on my desk. Copying his action, I went into the bathroom and began to brush my teeth, almost jumping out of surprise as I noticed Kihyun leaning against the doorframe in the mirror.

His hands were slowly drawing patterns and circles in front of his chest. **_I don't know_** , he signed, **_if I could help him._**

I spit out the toothpaste before answering. **_Of course_** , I signed, then switched to speaking. "I wasn't able to give him any advice, and what you said made sense." Even though I could never be bold, I was tempted to say, but bit down on my tongue before the words were able to spill out. I had almost been unintentionally last week, on the verge of kissing Kihyun. Even though I didn't want to admit it, a part of me that didn't care about rationality still regretted pulling away, while the other part wanted to slap me for even vaguely thinking about it.

**_You think so?_** His movements were a bit slower now, as if he was thinking harder about what to say. **_It's what I would like to do. But I couldn't ... can't._**

Noticing his stare in the mirror, I quickly cleaned my mouth, trying to catch my breath. I wasn't too sure if I had interpreted his words right, had he said 'I can't' or 'I couldn't'? There was no real past tense in sign language, and at this very moment, it was bothering me.

When I looked up, he was already walking away again. I quickly grabbed my pajamas and changed in the bathroom before closing the door and throwing a glance at my phone. By now it was eleven, and we should probably go to sleep if we wanted to be responsive tomorrow.

I was already about to lay down on my own bed like I had done all the other nights, when I felt fingers lay around my wrist. I turned around, feeling my heart being ready to jump out of my chest. Kihyun was looking at me in a way that made me shiver, and even though I expected him to sign something, anything, he didn't. He just sat on his blanket, looking at me, his fingers pressing against my wrist.

There was no question, so I didn't answer. I didn't feel like I would be able to speak in the first place. He let go of my hand as I got under the blanket, making sure I wasn't taking to much of it so he wouldn't be cold. My throat felt dry and my palms were tingling. Self control, I reminded myself; I tried to remind my self so hard my head began to hurt.

I didn't know why I did what I did, at least not consciously. I had promised myself not to sleep next to him anymore after what had happened last week, but it was just impossible if he was looking at me like that. I could still see him so lively in front of my eyes, the way he had looked at me the night at his aunt's when I had told him I'd sleep in the guest room. Nothing had been really visible, but something had felt wrong, something very subtle but still present in the air between us.

Be bold, I heard his voice in my head as I looked at him. He was staring back at me, his dark brown eyes so focused on mine my sight began to blur. But I couldn't. Just like he had said, it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all.

I turned around, turning off the light on his nightstand. My glance fell on the letter still laying there. **_Father_** , was written down on the front with a thick marker, and I tried not to think too much about why he hadn't opened it yet. Kihyun seemed to have so many secrets, and sometimes he was the biggest mystery of them all. Tonight I didn't feel like I was able to deal with them.

Only the moonlight was shining through the window, illuminating the room as I turned around and laid my head on the pillow. Kihyun was still sitting on the mattress, and as the moonlight was showing his features, I could see his hands moving. The movements were slow, as gentle as featherlight touches.

**_I just noticed something. Did you know?_** , he signed, and I could see him smiling. **_That you smell a bit like cinnamon?_**

My heart seemed to stop for a second as he was looking at me like this, and the next second he was already laying down next to me, his head on the pillow and his hands dragging the blanket over our bodies. He was laying on his back, eyes closed; I didn't know if he expected an answer but I wouldn't be able to give him one.

I studied the way his lips were slightly open as he breathed in and out, my hands clutching the blanket and my body so exhaustingly tense I couldn't fall asleep. His blanket smelled like fabric softener, as I decided I would use that cinnamon shampoo for the rest of my life, if only for him to be reminded of me when smelling it.

\----------------------------------------

**_Happy Birthday._ **

I had spent at least half an hour perfecting these words over the last week, practicing them in the mirror and in my mind whenever Kihyun wasn't around. It were only four quick signs, not even ones that were especially hard to memorize, but I still felt unconfident. It didn't get any better standing in front of Kihyun, but I didn't even have any chance to feel awkward about them, because he was already hugging me when I hadn't even really finished signing. Not really necessary to mention the way his touch stole my breath.

I tried to be subtle, whispering in Wonho's ear that it was his birthday when we were eating breakfast, but of course he began screaming and asking me why I hadn't told him earlier. I had to laugh, my words of protest being drowned in the congratulations. While everyone was talking about going to a restaurant at the end of the week to celebrate, I was observing Kihyun and thinking about when to give him his gift. There hadn't been enough time in the morning, so I planned on doing so in the evening.

"Are we meeting in sign language class?", I asked Kihyun as we were walking to class, the well-known noise in the hallways welcoming after a week of relaxation. I didn't even know why I asked. Of course he nodded. We always did.

I walked him to Korean class like I always did on Mondays. Sometimes I was wondering if he even knew I was walking the extra five corridors just to do that, but probably he didn't. He would surely protest if he did. I knew him well enough to be sure about that.

Jooheon was, as always, complaining about how unfair Mr Choi treated him in maths, and I tried to calm him down, silently anticipating my chemistry class. I had more or less successfully tried to ignore the test I'd get back for the last seven days, but when it was time, I felt like fainting. It wasn't like I would fail this year if I had a bad grade, but it was still embarrassing and frustrating. In sign language class, right before chemistry, I felt like my heart would just stop beating any second. Kihyun didn't ask what was wrong, trying to calm me down by holding my hand what _didn't exactly help_ , but I guess he already knew what was going on.

"Your test?", Mrs Kang asked at the end of the following class, as I was anxiously standing in front of her desk. I nodded, trying not to look at the papers she pulled out of her bag, until she finally handed me my exam.

I only looked at it when I was already in the hallway and felt an enourmous weight leave my chest. To say I had been good was a total exaggeration, but at least I hadn't zero points like I had felt I would have after writing it. Maybe Mrs Kang had been on my side when she had corrected the test, but I was so happy about the few points saving me from not passing I didn't spent a second thought about it.

Already on the verge of pulling my phone out of my pocket and texting Kihyun, I stopped for a second, remembering he was probably with Mrs Lee as always after school. A glance at my clock told me it wasn't five p.m. yet. I would just wait in front of the classroom for him, I decided.

I was really wondering when his lessons with Mrs Lee would ever stop, I asked myself while walking. My bag was pretty heavy, as I had all books just stuffed in there that I needed for upcoming assignments and tests. Adjusting the strap on my shoulder, I turned around the corner - almost regretting I had chosen this path to the classroom.

As Doyoung had left us alone in sign language class, being busy talking about some dirty jokes with Chul, Kiwoo and Jaejin, I should've known fate wanted me to meet him again.

I was determined to just ignore him and walk away, but he positioned himself directly in front of me, asking: "Where is the mute retard, huh?"

I stared at him, trying to lay as little expression in my glance as possible. "Nowhere of your business."

I expected another rude answer, but instead, Doyoung began to smile. He just smiled. It wasn't even a grin. It was a smile, and somehow it was a lot scarier than anything he could've said. Capitivated by the shiver that was running down my spine, I heard him click his tongue and then they were already walking away again.

Turning around, I looked after them as all of them entered the boys' bathroom, silently shaking my head and continuing my way to the classroom. There was something strange about Doyoung I'd never been quite able to put into words. I hated everything about him.

It wasn't a long walk to the classroom, and when I finally reached it I wasn't even sure it was the right one. The door was open and everything was silent. Carefully, I leaned inside the room and was surprised to spot Mrs Lee sitting at her desk. Alone.

"Good afternoon, Changkyun", she greeted me and waited for a question that followed immediately: "Uh, hello, Mrs Lee. I'm looking for Changkyun. He isn't here?"

She smiled softly. "No, he isn't. Why are you asking?"

I cleared my throat. "Did you cancel the class today or something like that? He didn't tell me anything so I thought he would be here until five thirty as always."

Now her expression changed. Instead of smiling, she furrowed her eyebrows, laying down the pen she had just used to correct the exams spread in front of her on the table. "As always? What do you mean by that?"

"Well, he always has class with you for ... I don't really know how long, but on Mondays he comes back at five thirty. He ... he told me you study sign language together."

Mrs Lee looked as confused as I felt. "That had to be a misunderstanding, Changkyun. I've never had any classes with Kihyun outside of the regular sign language class you also visit."

"But, the last few weeks, or months - you didn't?"

She shook her head again. "No, Changkyun, I honestly didn't. I don't know why he told you that but he has to be somewhere else if he isn't here. I don't know where."

I stared at her for a second, trying to understand what she had just said before bowing slightly and excusing myself. As soon as I had taked a few steps away from the classroom, I leaned my head against one of the lockers and tried to progress what was even going on.

All these weeks, months, Kihyun had been lying to me? I couldn't have just understood his sign language wrong, he had also tiped it into his phone. There was no way this was a misunderstanding. He had clearly told me he was with Mrs Lee almost every day, and until now I had believed it was because he was fluent in sign language or because she was still angry at him for throwing the papers out of the window all these weeks ago.

But of course, the more I thought about it, the more unrealistic it was. Why ... why had he lied to me then? And more importantly, where was he?

I was about to take my phone out for a second time when I stopped. And thought. It was just a moment, a split second, that this thought crossed my mind, and I didn't even know why I was thinking about it, but it was so present in my conscience I couldn't ignore it.

Kihyun, standing next to the washbasin in the bathroom, fixing his tie, as I had searched him before the holidays when he should've been with Mrs Lee; the voice of his aunt, asking him if he, whoever that was, had ever hurt him; Doyoung's smile as he stood in front of me, asking where Kihyun was, and then his figure disappearing into the bathroom.

The bag fell down my shoulder as the books became to heavy to carry and for a second, my mind was empty. There was no way -

I started running towards the bathroom before I even thought about doing so, my legs doing the work on their own as I was thinking about everything that had happened. Doyoung - there was no way he would -

My feet sprinted over the linoleum floor, turning around the corner and then in the direction of the boys' bathroom, the hallways deserted as always at this hour; my shoulder hit the door at the same time my hand met the doorhandle, and then everything just stopped for an instance.

Chul was leaning against the wall next to the door, the first one to notice me, but I didn't focus on him. Instead, my glance fell on Kiwoo and Jaejin, holding someone by pressing him against the wall, and Doyoung's back that was blocking the sight until the noise finally reached his ears and he turned around. And there it was, the smile on his lips as he unconsciously took a step to the side, revealing what I had feared the most.

It happened all just in time for me to see the tiny drop of shining blood running down Kihyun's chin and falling onto his white shirt, to notice the way it started to bloom like a flower on the fabric, and for him to look at me, his eyes wide and screaming my name in a way his mouth never would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter, I hope you're not too shocked about the end, but maybe you saw it coming - we need a bit more drama and tension. All this has just been the introduction to what's really going to go down :)  
> I hope I'll get around to write a new chapter soon because I don't want you suffering because of that cliffhanger for too long :')  
> Love,  
> Akiko


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> I hope you're ready for the emotional rollercoaster of this chapter (that's at least what it was for me writing it ...)  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter! <3

I wasn't even born when my father died.

It is a strange way to phrase such a statement, a sentence without enough emotion to convey how a tiny lightening struck my body whenever I thought about it; an event not taking place on many occasions nowadays. When I had been younger, old enough to walk on two feet and get up with two hands when falling down, but still too young to direct my glance onto the world outside of the apartment we had been living in, the picture of an imaginary father had passed my thoughts more than just once in a while. At the most bizarre times, watching tv or playing with one of the toys my mom had bought me, my conscience had suddenly focused on a thing so far out of my view I had always known it would be unreachable.

As a child, this awareness hadn't stopped me from imagining every possible scenario that involved half of the parents I was missing. Noticing how my mother seemed to fall back into a depression I had never been a witness of whenever I mentioned my father, I had learned pretty early not to bear my longing for him onto anyone else. Instead, I spent most of my nights staring at the ceiling of my old bedroom that had little stars taped on it that shined when embraced by the darkness of lonely nights, trying to become the author of stories that resembled fairytales instead of autobiographies.

In my dreams, my father was always a tall, good-natured hero that, even if he didn't wear a cape, managed to save me from everything threatening my well-being. His faces were different every night. On some days, they resembled the round face of my biology teacher in elementary school who was a mentor for me growing up, on other days he looked nothing like anybody I knew. It never prevented me from taking his hand as soon as my eyes closed and my mind was being pulled down by unknown forces to places it created by itself.

I don't know if my mother didn't possess any photos of him or just refused to show me. Things like that had been creating a growing canyon between us from the moment I had opened my eyes, still a tiny buddle in the arms of nurses and doctors. Being younger, I accepted her silence like children accept most of the things they're told as if everything adults say are rules carved into stone.

Only as I got older things became more complicated. My mother had never been a normal mother, if anything like that existed. Her statement of my father being at a place I could only go to when _'I was much older, almost as old as the scary old woman living down the street'_ , soon lead me to thinking the reason why he was away, whatever that reason may have been, caused her to behave like she did.

I was thirteen, maybe fourteen, when she finally told me it had been a car accident and not, as my childish self may have believed, something spectacular like him giving his heart to someone else to save them. No, it was a rather common way to die, but I got the impression it wasn't a common way to deal with the loss. Like the memory had been newly awoken by telling me about it, everything got even worse for a year.

As a child, I wasn't allowed to go out, to play on the street, to meet other children or to do anything that would've been normal for all the other children my age. It was always prohibited under the explanation of it being too dangerous for me, and even as a toddler I felt like I could sense the fear sparkling in my mother's eyes. It took me years and a tearful retelling of the accident for me to understand why exactly my mother had been like this since I had been born.

But understanding somehow became confusion and then, suddenly, as if someone had injected a drug into my veins while I had been sleeping, anger and frustration. Discussions about me leaving the four walls of our apartment soon became fights with a lot of mean insults and screams and even more doors being slammed shut. Rather peaceful dinners with well-meant conversations became dinners controlled by guilt in my room; and everything that had once created a bond between me and her now distanced us.

The more I tried to make my mother understand I wouldn't die just because I tried to live like everyone else that wasn't a prisoner in their own home, the more she insisted she wouldn't let anything happen to me the same way it had happened to my father. A person I had never known and would never get the chance to know became the ruler over my life.

It was the reason I decided to go to a boarding school as soon as I turned fourteen. Living together with my mother was emotionally straining in ways I had never imagined it to be. Even though I understood she only tried to protect me, I couldn't understand the way she made my life a living hell without realizing it.

Our relationship had never been like other mother-son-relationships, and ever since I was away from home and only came back in the summer holidays to spend most of my days alone in my room, every attempt to improve it had accomplished the exact opposite. Maybe it was just the fact I hadn't experienced everything she had had to go through, and wasn't even able to miss someone in particular that I'd never known. But the more excuses I tried to come up with, the worse I felt about the whole situation. Even though I tried to ignore it, I couldn't help but think about the moments my mother and I had shared, even if it made me feel weird inside.

There were some I remembered better than others, memories that were more like a cloud you couldn't grasp in a right way without completely destroying it, but memories that still lingered over your head once in a while, as if to remind you not to forget them. A memory that visited me particularly often, as if my childhood was a blank space on a canvas that the painter tried to fill again and again even though he knew the tube of paint was empty, was one of an afternoon when I was still more of a child than a teenager.

I remember myself stumbling through the doors of the school entrance, my left knee bleeding and aching with every step. My mother had never allowed me to walk home with friends, or even worse, alone, so she was waiting in front of the stairs as she did everyday. It wasn't specifically the way she never let me do anything alone, but rather the fact I had been at home for a week while everyone else had been on the school trip I had, once again, not been allowed to participate in, that had provoced the confrontation that had taken place after school when boys from my class had stopped me on my way outside.

I don't quite recall what they said to me; we were kids, and kids can do horrible things. Looking back, it wasn't a big deal for me, a little wound on my knee as they had pushed me down the last few steps of the stairs inside the school building. But for my mom, it was a big deal. I was still too young to be incredibly embarrassed about the way she began to cry as soon as she saw me, so I just looked at her with confusion in my eyes.

On the way home, she didn't speak a word, and when I was finally sitting at the kitchen table, leg propped on the chair next to me and clenching my teeth as she cleaned the wound, I dared to apologize even though I had done nothing wrong. She just shook her head, and when she looked up, she asked: "Did you hurt them?"

"They just pushed me", I tried to explain, and she shook her head once more. "No, I mean: Did you hurt them after they pushed you?"

Looking the old photo of my mom with her mother, my grandma, that had been placed on the cupboard next to the door to my room for as long as I could remember, I had always thought how determined, how tough she looked in a way hard to describe. My grandparents of both sides had died before I had been old enough to make memories with them that would last, so I wasn't able to tell if she had inherited it from her parents. But although so bravely displayed on that photo, it was a expression I had never been able to see in the eyes of my mother when she was standing in front of me.

Except for that afternoon maybe, because the way she looked at me somehow reminded me of that photo. I remember how I furrowed my eyebrows, asking in disbelief: "Why would I hurt them?"

"Because", she answered, putting a band-aid on my knee in such a gentle way that it stood in direct contrast to the words that left her mouth, "when someone hurts you, you hurt them back. You don't hurt someone if they don't hurt you, but if they do, there's no reason why you shouldn't. If someone hurts you, or even worse, hurts someone you love, you hurt them. To show them to never do it again."

I never got a chance to push the boys down the stairs like they had pushed me, and I doubt I would've been able to. My mother's words scared me, and it took me a few years and a lot of experiences to understand what she meant by them. Even after she had told me about my father's accident I wasn't sure if she had really talked about him. But I felt like that had been the case - if it had just been somebody who had hurt my father, she could've tried hurting them back. But it wasn't somebody else, it was a car and traffic lights that weren't working in the middle of the night and she was left with all that anger and sorrow she couldn't blame anybody for.

I didn't know if she even remembered what she had said to me that afternoon, or if she still thought about it like that after all these years, but I surely hadn't forgotten. The memory was still as vivid in my mind as if I had experienced it just yesterday.

For a split second, even the picture of the blood on my knee flashed through my mind as the familiar red bloomed in front of my eyes, and although it had been a bit of time since I had last heard my mother's voice, I could hear her speaking to me as if she was standing right next to me in that moment, whispering words into my ear.

_If someone hurts you, or even worse, hurts someone you love, you hurt them. To show them to never do it again._

"Kihyun", was the only word that left my mouth as I my eyes were fixated on him. There was a sharp pull on my arm and a squeaking noise of sneakers being dragged over tiles as I was teared out of my way towards him, followed by a dull pain in my skull.

"What are you doing here?", Doyoung spat. His voice dripped with anger. I felt helpless, his body blocking my view on what I was trying to see the most. "Did you tell him, huh?"

"Did you forget he doesn't answer you?", Chul responded, the blurry red of the lollipop he was sucking on blinding in my eyes. Jaejin and Kiwoo seemed to be laughing, deep voices in my ears. This didn't feel like reality, the flickering light of the ceiling lamp wrapping everything in a blue haze that resembled the little packaging Chul threw into the wastebin.

"Oh yeah, I almost did", Doyoung answered. "Then I'd call it an unfortunate coincide-"

My knee hit him somewhere above his hip, the grip on my shoulder finally loosening. A step to the side and forward, but he was quick to reach for my collar again, making it cut into my thoat for a moment before his forearm was holding me in place.

"Hm, maybe it's funnier like this", he said next to my ear, his arm pressing my chin up while I was desperately trying to free myself with both hands pulling on the fabric of his sweater. My glance shifted from left to right, observing the way Kiwoo and Jaejin were both holding one of Kihyun's arms, making it impossible for him to escape as he was tip-toeing with his back against the wall. The tie of his uniform had slid to the side, revealing that little dark patch of blood of his shirt caused by his injured lip.

"Leave him alone", I managed to hiss, kicking behind me with my left foot but meeting only air. "You're all such spineless assholes, I can't believe you're --"

Doyoung's arm put more pressure on my throat, cutting my words, my fingers curling around his wrist, trying to get away from him but just pushing the back of my head closer to his shoulder. Somewhere next to me Chul was laughing; my eyes opened to see Kihyun looking at me like he was trying to tell me something without speaking.

"You shouldn't have gotten involved with our business", Doyoung continued, his push hitting me in the back of my knees, making my legs buckle for a second. "He's even more annoying than you and all your stupid little friends. Why don't you speak, huh? You know, Changkyun, we've been trying to get that out of him for a few weeks now but he just won't answer ..."

Another kick backwards but still no success. I could see the way Kihyun was trying to reach for something with his hands, but the others were too strong for him. His tongue darted out to stop the cut on his lip from bleeding, and I could taste iron in my mouth.

"Chul", Doyoung behind me said and out of the corner of my eye I could see him nodding in Kihyun's direction. Chul sighed, the lollipop gliding over his lips before disappearing into his mouth again. I tried to kick him, but he was too far away, his feet dragging over the blue bathroom tiles almost lazily; he blocked my sight, Kihyun's eyes over his head focusing on me and then his fist shot forward, and Kihyun's eyes closed, his eyebrows moving together for a second. His body turned to the side, a helpless attempt to shield itself, his feet detaching themselves from the floor for a moment before coming down again.

"Stop!", I shouted, pushing behind me to get Doyoung to let me go. My voice sounded more quiet than I had intended it to be, the pressure against my throat making me feel sick. My sneakers dragged over the tiles, my fingertips pressed in his arm with as much force as I could work up. "Stop it! Leave him alone! Stop! Kihyun!"

"I'd like to know his strategy of not even making a noise when being hit", Doyoung said, struggling to keep me locked in place. "It has to hurt, doesn't it?"

"Answer him", Chul ordered, but Kihyun didn't look up, his face pressed against his shoulder and eyes closed shut. "Look at me when I speak with you", Chul shouted and grabbed his chin, forcing him to raise his head, and I could see Kihyun's lips shivering.

"Hit me but don't -", I tried to say, but was cut off by Chul raising his hand. "No, stop, please, stop!", I hurried to shout but he had already hit Kihyun, the sound unfamiliar in my ears but still no voice audible. "Kihyun!", I screamed, biting into Doyoung's arm in a desperate attempt to break free. I managed to hit him with my foot, making him stumble back as I sprinted forward and grabbed Chul's arm, pulling him around aggressively.

He pushed me, but I had already reached out and my fist hit his jaw. There was an ugly sound, the red lollipop flying to the ground; he was taking a step back and I followed, punching him in the face a second time. The pain was shooting through my knuckles like siringes pushed into my skin, and in blind anger I was already about to hit him a third time as my shoulder was harshly pulled back and pain bloomed in my chin, the disgusting sound of bones on bones echoeing in my ears.

I stumbled back, hands pressed against my lips as I tasted blood, but quick enough to pay Kiwoo back with my knee hitting his stomach hard enough to make him stumble backwards. I was making another step to the side, aiming for Jaejin who seemed to be helping Chul, as arms were slung around my body, dragging me back. The action was determined but gentle enough to make me stop, and I almost flinched when I saw blood running down Kihyun's face, my fingers trembling as they came up to cup his cheek.

"Are you ..." I stopped in the middle of my sentence, turning around as I heard steps on the floor. Doyoung was walking in our direction and I reached back to push Kihyun behind me. But Doyoung just stopped, standing in front of us, his hand rubbing the spot on his arm that I had bitten. I felt fear welling up inside me, Kiwoo getting up and Jaejin already on his way towards us, but Doyoung just said: "Stop."

I wanted to turn around, wipe the blood off Kihyun's face and help him but I didn't dare to, with everyone that was against us in front of us. Chul was cleaning his face, giving me a dirty look through the mirror. I felt like throwing up.

"I think that's enough", Doyoung said, licking over his lips. "If he doesn't speak, we will."

"About what?", I spat out, feeling a tiny trickle of blood running down my chin. I felt weak, my hand searching for something to hold onto behind me. It met Kihyun's wrist.

"About why we're here", Doyoung grinned. "I mean, do you really think Kihyun's meeting up with us here every week because he likes our company?"

Kihyun behind me flinched, and I grabbed his wrist tighter.

"We had a little deal, you know", Doyoung shrugged. "We get to have a little fun with him and in return, we don't spill out his secret it front of everybody. Sadly, you've just ruined that deal."

"Deal?", I asked, my voice dripping with disbelief. "I can't believe how disgusting you are."

Another shrug. "Life's all about deals, you know, Changkyun?"

"What do want, Doyoung?", I asked. "You know I can tell the principal and all of you will be suspended. So what's this even about?"

"I've never been able to stand you", Doyoung answered. "Not you or any of your friends. I just never had the chance to do something against you. Until he turned up." He nodded in Kihyun's direction. "Still remember the papers he threw out of the window that one afternoon in sign language class? What could've been so important about them, huh?"

I furrowed my eyebrows as the memory slowly made its way into my mind. "What are you talking about?"

"I won't tell you what he had written on them. I'd be dumb to do so. Let's just say, it was something very private. I'm sure he wouldn't want the whole school to know. So, let's make a deal." He smirked. "I want Kihyun to go to the principal and tell him it's you who beat him up. You've got time until Monday. Or else, I'll tell everyone what he's hiding. Understood that?"

I stared at him, at the smirk decorating his face. I could hear the blood rushing through my ears. Taking a step forward, my fist hit his face faster than anyone of the others could react. Blood was spilling out of his nose and he groaned, tumbling backwards until his shoulders hit the wall. Kihyun tried to grab my wrist, but I made a step towards him. "If you do something to Kihyun ever again in your life", I managed to spit out, "I'll kill you. Understood _that_?"

Kihyun tugged on my arm, staring at me as I turned around as if trying to reassure me. But I wasn't calm. I wasn't calm at all. I needed to get out of here. We needed to get out of here.

I grabbed the bag that looked like Kihyun's next to the door before hastily leaving the bathroom, not letting go of his hand. I was almost running, walking down the corridor with quick steps. I didn't even know in what direction we were going. Only as I saw my own bag laying on the floor next to the lockers, my conscience seemed to clear up. I looked behind me, relieved no one was following us, before putting the strap over my shoulder and turning around to face Kihyun. "Let's go home."

The way seemed to be so much longer than normal. My knuckles were already turning white from how tight I was holding Kihyun's hand, the blood on them slowing starting to dry. He wasn't complaining, continuing to walk beside me, our shoulders almost touching. I didn't dare to look at him, because I felt that if I saw the bruises their punches had left on his face once more, I'd throw up for real.

It was too late for students or teachers to walk around in the school building, but even in the dorms we didn't encounter anyone. Only as I was already unlocking the door to our room, I allowed my hand to detach itself from Kihyun's. Putting our bags down, by hand hastily reached for my phone in a reflex I didn't knew I possessed. I had an awful lot of messages from Wonho, but I didn't even spare them a glance, instead throwing my phone onto my desk.

I didn't want to wait any longer, so I walked straight into the bathroom and opened all the cabinets, searching what I looked for. Something fell into the washbashin but I didn't care, hastily taking out everything that seemed useful and letting it fall onto the mattress next to Kihyun. He had just sat down on his bed, feet sliding back and forth on the carpet, sneakers placed neatly next to the door.

"Tell me if it hurts, okay?", I whispered, swallowing my fear as I sat down next to him, turning around so I could examine the wounds on his face. Now it wasn't the urge to throw up anymore, but something else sitting inside my chest that almost made me choke on my own breath. My hand was shivering a bit as I brought it up to his face. The blood on his lips and the one spilling out of his nose had already dried a bit. He flinched slightly as I dabbed it off with a wet tissue. A weak breath escaped my lips as I noticed it had fortunately already stopped bleeding.

I was cleaning his face like I was in trance, until I felt his fingers brush my shoulder. I looked up, my glance shifting from his lips to his eyes. Only when I sensed his fingertips beneath my eye, I noticed I was holding back my tears. "I'm okay", I responded, an answer to an unspoken question caught in the air between us.

He didn't move any more as I continued, his glance following my every movement. He didn't even flinch as I cleaned his lips with disinfectant. I tried to be gentle as I put some cream I had found inside the first aid kit onto his cheek, where a bruise was starting to bloom. I felt physical pain looking at it.

I did everything possible, until there was nothing left I could do. He signed that he didn't need a painkiller, so we sat in silence for a moment as I was putting the disinfectant back. As soon as my fingers had closed the zipper of the kit, I felt even more helpless than before.

"Why didn't you tell me?", I finally managed to ask the question that had been pressing against my ribcage ever since I had entered the bathroom. "Why did you lie to me?"

I almost feared I wouldn't be able to follow his signing in my current state of mind. But when he raised his hands, I noticed just how desperate I was for him to say something.

**_He said he would hurt you._** Kihyun's signs were quick; if he spoke, his voice would swallow the last syllable of every word passing his lips. **_And ... he said he would tell everyone._**

"Do you think I can't take care of myself?", I asked, voice quiet. "It's so much worse for me to see you get hurt than to get hurt myself."

I knew I didn't have the right to be angry at him. He had done nothing wrong, but the thought of him protecting me instead of the other way around frustrated me. But probably the second reason was the one weighing heavier. And I knew I still had to give him a response.

"I want you to go to the principal tomorrow", I continued, taking another tissue to wipe the blood of my knuckles, hissing through my clenched teeth. "You need to tell him I was the one who did that to you."

Fingers were laid around my wrist as Kihyun pulled on my hand, making me stop and look up. His eyes were wide, glance filled with disbelief and shock. **_No_** , he signed with one hand, his other holding my wrist almost as tight as I had hold his just a few minutes ago. **_No._**

"Kihyun ..." I swallowed. "Look, I don't know what you wrote on that paper that day, but if it's something that makes you so afraid you went there every damn week and let yourself be beaten up without telling anybody, I surely won't allow the whole school to know." I felt the tears building up in my eyes once more and quickly closed my eyes, forcing myself not to think about how many times something like today had happened without me knowing.

I wanted to continue cleaning my wounds but Kihyun grabbed my wrist once more. **_No_** , he signed, his movements wide and fast as if he was screaming. **_I won't. Don't even try to convince me. I let all of this happen because I was the only once affected by it, but if keeping it secret means you will get suspended, I would rather have the whole world know._** His hands slowed down for a second. **_Even if that means you will see me differently._**

I was taken aback by his last sentence for a moment, voicing my thoughts before I could hold back. "Differently? If you're worrying about me, I can reassure you. I don't care what they say about you. They could never tell anything so bad it would change something between us."

**_I don't think so._** He bit down on his lip but immediately flinched, pressing his fingertips against the still sore wound. **_But maybe it will be better like that_** , he then continued. **_I'm causing you so many problems. Too many._**

"What ... what problems?" I furrowed my eyebrows, taking another tissue out of the box and pressing it gently against his lips. "Don't bite on them. It needs to heal ..."

I was waiting for an answer, but he just shrugged. I let my hand sink, suppressing a sigh. "Does it hurt anywhere else? Let me see your back."

Determined to focus only on his wounds and not his soft skin as he was pulling up his shirt so I could look at his back, my good intentions were soon crushed. Two bruises were on his lower back, but they didn't seem fresh, more as if they were one or two weeks old. I swallowed the knot in my throat and clenched my teeth as I applied some of this clear cream that had been in the first aid kit I had opened a second time. I just hoped no scars would stay.

Reluctantly, I detached my fingertips from his skin and asked: "Can you turn around?" The image of Chul hitting him in the stomach was still too present in my mind, and as I was already thinking about whether or not we should maybe go to the hospital in my worried condition, it took me some time to notice how Kihyun was hesitating; his fingers almost anxiously fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"What is it?", I asked, not even trying to suppress the obvious worry in my voice. Kihyun still didn't answer, his glance focused on something far out of my reach. "Kihyun?", I asked once again, laying my hand on his shoulder and turning him around a bit; enough to see the way his shirt had ridden up his stomach and revealed what was hidden underneath.

"I'll ...", I mananged to mutter, "Shit. I'll kill him. Oh god I'll kill him -"

As Kihyun realized what I had seen his fingers hurried to drag down the shirt again, but it was too late; the picture of several individual little scars and one scar tissue that looked like something I didn't even want to think about had already burnt itself deep into my memory.

"W-What is that?", I asked, not knowing what to look at. "Is that ... are that ... burn marks?"

I didn't give him any chance to answer. "How ... I'll kill him. I'm serious, I'm absolutely serious, god, I'll ... I'll ..."

I didn't even speak about the thing making me more anxious than all the little marks - the long scar running right below his ribs. I didn't know what to say or do or anything else, just thinking about how I couldn't have noticed --

Cold fingers around mine. Kihyun.

**_That wasn't him_** , he signed, and this time his hands were shivering, too. **_Don't worry._**

"Don't worry?", I almost screamed, making Kihyun flinch. "How should I not worry, when ... I mean ... who was it then? If it wasn't Doyoung? Who?"

Kihyun just shook his head. His left hand let go of mine, proceeding to tuck his shirt into his jeans as if he wanted to undo all that had just happened. My eyes followed his motion, but then concentrated again on the spot of his chest where I remembered the scars to be. God, I felt like throwing up. More than ever before.

"I-I'm sorry", I stuttered, "I'm sorry I saw that, I didn't mean to, it's just that, I mean, who did this to you? Don't you understand how much I want to hurt whoever did this to you?"

Kihyun kept trying to tuck his shirt in, even though he was just repeating his actions. He seemed like he wanted to disappear, so I reached out for him, as if trying to make sure he would stay by my side; but his hands signing interrupted my intentions.

**_This is what I meant._** His eyes were glistening in ways I couldn't interpret. **_You always have to deal with things you wouldn't have to deal with if it weren't for me. All of this, not just what you saw. The sign language, that I don't speak and now even this fight - don't you think it makes me angry and helpless when they hurt you? You wouldn't be hurt if it weren't for me and now I even dragged you into this. I won't go to the principal and I won't confirm anything if you do. I just won't._** His hands were cold as they brushed against mine by mistake.

**_You probably won't want to have anything to do with me after Monday when they tell everyone_** , he continued, **_and after today I think maybe that's better because I wouldn't be able to stand watching you get hurt again._** I could see he was biting on his lip that was starting to bleed again.

**_I don't want you to have to worry about me._** He didn't even notice the blood. **_Friends ... friends shouldn't have to deal with things like these. I was too egoistic dragging you into all of this. I'm sorry._**

I wanted to respond but he just began tucking his shirt into his jeans once more. Another pause. **_I don't want you to see me like this._**

"Kihyun ...", I began as he suddenly stood up. "I don't get it. Why ... I mean ..."

He turned around, staring at me with a sad glance. **_See?_** , he then signed, looking down at his hands like he was trying to understand why he was even using them. **_I can't even argue with you._**

He wiped off the blood with the back of his hands, at least that was what I thought, until I noticed his hand was wet, but didn't show any trace of red.

"Kihyun", I tried again, searching for words I knew I wasn't able to find as quickly as I wanted to voice them. There was so much I wanted to say, but suddenly I felt as if I was the mute one. There seemed to be no way for me to speak about it, as Kihyun put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket.

**_I'm sorry_** , he signed, **_you had to see all this._**

I didn't get a chance to ask whether he was talking about his scars or something else as he had already left the room, the sound of the door closing behind him echoeing in my ears in a way that made me hope everything I was experiencing was just a dream.

I thought about going to the bathroom, but although I felt like throwing up I knew I wouldn't be able to. I would've liked to, though - there seemed to be something in my chest that needed to get out and I just didn't know how to get it out.

Instead, I proceeded to clean my own wounds. There wasn't really much left to do. The cut on my lips that Chul's hit had caused had already begun to heal, and my knuckles were cleaned as far as my knowledge went. Still, I continued to let water run over them until every drop of dried blood had disappeared into the drain.

I wasn't even sure who I had to be angry with anymore. Doyoung. Whoever had hurt Kihyun enough to scar him. Kihyun, because he just assumed it was a burden for me to learn sign language for him and help him when he was caught in situation like that. But mostly myself. Why hadn't I just told him? Why hadn't I just told him I would do everything for him, no matter what?

Maybe he wouldn't have believed me. I didn't know anything anymore. I would've gone to the principal right away if it meant I was protecting him in any way. And I couldn't imagine anything that would destroy our friendship, whatever Doyoung had been blackmailing him with. Why did Kihyun even think he had to protect me?

All the thoughts were causing a headache to develop so I tried to stop thinking about them. It was almost impossible, and the alternative were pictures of Kihyun's scars floating around in mind, so I didn't really know what was worse. I felt strained as if a vampire had sucked every ounce of strength out of my body, and I tried not to think about how I would deal with Doyoung or more importantly, Kihyun, when he came back.

I almost jumped up from the mattress when the door to our room finally opened. Even though I had no clue what to say, I felt the need to have Kihyun around me, and even if it was just to hold his hand. It was getting dark outside and I feared Doyoung would hurt him again. I already had a presentiment what my nightmares from now on would be about. I hadn't any idea how to deal with anything at the moment, but I wanted Kihyun to be here. I needed him.

But to my disappointment, it wasn't Kihyun who entered. It was Wonho, and it took me a few seconds to realize there were tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Wonho?", I asked alarmed as I sat up. He closed the door behind him, shaking his head as he walked to my bed. "Why didn't you answer my messages?", he asked, voice shivering. I wasn't used to seeing him crying, hell, I had probably never even seen him crying ever before, so I looked at him with confusion, remembering the messages that were still unread on my phone.

"I'm ... I'm sorry", I responded. "There was a lot of other stuff going on." Other ... stuff.

"I was with Hyunwoo and Jooheon", he began to explain, wiping the tears of his face and sitting down next to me. "But I didn't dare to tell them what had happened so I texted you but you didn't answer, and then I wanted to go to my room but I couldn't because Hyungwon would be there and so I was sitting at the fountain but it became to cold so I just went here hoping you would be here ..."

"Hey, why are you crying?", I asked, handing him a tissue and sliding closer. His eyes looked all puffy and red and I was starting to feel guilty for not having looked at my messages earlier. But just too much had been going on with Kihyun. "What happened?"

"I'm sure you'll judge me if I tell you", Wonho answered. At least it seemed like he wasn't crying anymore. "I've been thinking about it the whole day, if it was the wrong decision or not, but ..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about", I tried to say and he lowered his glace so he wasn't looking at me anymore. "Well ... I was with you yesterday, do you remember? When I asked you how to know if someone likes you?"

"Yeah, sure." I was still trying to grasp the situation. My mind was occupied with thoughts and worries about Kihyun, so I did my best to concentrate on what Wonho was telling me.

"Kihyun said I should be bold. And I mean, it sounded plausible to me. I've liked him for such a long time, and no matter what I tried, nothing told me anything about whether he returned my feelings or not ..."

"He?", I asked, making Wonho look up. I could see fear spilling into his glance as his eyes widened. "Shit", he said. "Are you ... I mean ..."

I couldn't help but smile a bit. "Of course not. I don't care what gender you're attracted to." If he only knew ... how would I be able to judge him if I myself was in love with a boy? My thoughts once again transferred to Kihyun ... where was he even? Was he warm enough? He tended to forget his sweater and it was so cold outside ...

Wonho seemed to be relieved. "O-Okay", he answered. "Still, I don't think you'll be supportive of what I'm going to tell you."

"Just tell me", I responded. I felt the need to reassure him everything would be okay, and I wasn't able to as long as I didn't know what this was even about. I had already felt weird when Wonho had texted me during the holidays or when he had been so depressed yesterday, but seeing him crying was a picture that shattered something deep inside me. It just didn't feel right to see him crying.

Wonho shrugged. "Okay. Kihyun told me to be bold. And so I was bold. I just ... I just don't think I should've been. Because ... well ... I ..." He looked up at me through his bangs as if trying to estimate what my reaction would be before he blurted out:

"I kissed Hyungwon."

I didn't react at all. At least for the first few seconds. Then, I choked on my own breath, coughing and stopping before coughing again.

"Hyungwon?", I almost screamed. "You like Hyungwon?"

"I-I'm sorry, this has to be so weird for you, I know we're friends and all but ... I mean, I didn't choose to fall in love with him. Heck, you don't even know how much I'd give not to be in love with him." He sighed. "Are you still living? You look like you've swallowed a rock."

"Sorry", I corrected myself. "I don't feel so good, it's been quite a messy day and this just kind of confused me. It's ... it's not weird for me." Well, I was in love with my own roommate. "But ... you kissed him?" I was still pretty confused to be honest; even if a lot of things somehow fell into place at that very moment.

I could still remember the beginning of the schoolyear when Wonho had been so incredibly frustrated with the room-situation, as if living together with Minhyuk was an immense sacrifice. Only now I understood why. The problem hadn't been Minhyuk, but Hyungwon. Or rather, the fact Hyungwon seemed to get along well with Minhyuk.

"I thought it was the only possibility to know for sure if he likes me or not", Wonho explained, nervously playing with his fingers. "So I asked him to go to the convenience store at lunch break and when we were sitting on a bench and eating, I just kissed him."

"And then?", I asked, still trying to imagine everything in my head.

Wonho furrowed his eyebrows. "He looked at me like he couldn't even understand what had just happened. He seemed so shocked and he wanted to say something, but I already saw it in his eyes. I didn't want to embarrass myself any further so I just stood up and ran away. Hid in Jooheon's room. Skipped afternoon classes."

"So you don't even know if he liked it or not", I corrected him but he vigorously shook his head. "I'd like to think that, too, but I'm pretty sure he didn't. Like it, I mean. I don't know how I'm ever going to look at him again. We've been best friends for six years. I don't even know when exactly I started to like him like this, but right now, I just want to die." He let out a sigh that sounded more like a scream. "Why am I so dumb?"

"Hey, come here", I said and embraced him before he could even think about answering back. Maybe I wasn't in the position to say anything like this considering what had happened between Kihyun and me, but I reassured him: "I'm sure everything will be okay. You just need to talk to each other."

"I don't even think he wants to talk to me anymore", Wonho said next to my ear and I answered: "Oh, don't say something like that. You're too agitated right now. Everything will be okay, okay?"

"If you say so." He didn't sound very convinced, but it was the least I could say. To be honest, I hadn't expected Wonho's crush to be Hyungwon, maybe because I had never paid enough attention to their relationship with each other. I couldn't estimate if Wonho's feelings were returned, so I tried to avoid talking further about it. "Do you want to take a shower?", I instead asked. "You feel cold."

"Okay." There wasn't much resistance in any of Wonho's actions and I could understand him. I myself was feeling so tired and done with everything that had happened I just wanted to close my eyes and let the world around me disappear. "Can I maybe sleep here tonight?" He pressed his lips together. "I don't really want to meet Hyungwon."

"Sure, I don't think Kihyun has anything against it." Just the mention of his name caused my breath to get caught in my throat. In comparison to Wonho and Hyungwon I indeed wanted to talk to Kihyun, to explain him everything and tell him he wasn't a burden to me, but I just didn't know how. And somehow, I also doubted he would let me explain. Something about him had seemed to determined just a while ago, it made me feel anxious. Was he really so afraid of me knowing about his secret? Did he feel so guilty about me trying to be close to him?

I could just hope he would come home soon and we would be able to talk about it tomorrow. With Wonho staying for the night, there wouldn't be an opportunity to do so until breakfast, and I didn't know if I should be grateful for that or not.

"Towels are in my closet. The right one."

Wonho nodded, but turned around once more, looking at me in confusion. "Hey, what's that on your cheek?"

I laid my fingers against my face and flinched at the pain. I had forgotten about the bruise decorating my cheekbone. "I had a fight with Doyoung", I finally decided to tell at least a part of the truth. "He was annoying me so I hit him and he hit me back." There was no need to involve everything else that had happened, including Kihyun.

"Ouch", was his only reaction. Too much had happened between us and Doyoung to be surprised about that kind of thing anymore, I guessed.

Instead, he opened the closet and took out one of the towels, but stopped in his motion. He made a step to the side, revealing to me what had startled him.

"What's that?", he asked, pointing at the teddybear that was sitting on top of my shirts, a shy smile stitched onto the fur, together with a pair of black eyes and a little heart as a belly button.

**_I'm sorry you had to see all this._ **

This time I felt like throwing up and crying all at once.

"Oh", I answered, turning away so he wouldn't be able to see my eyes. "That's Kihyun's birthday present."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> If anyone wants to start a death squad for certain people who hurt Kihyun, I participate.  
> If anyone wants to start a death squad for me because I let them suffer, please consider not doing it *sweats anxiously*  
> Until the next chapter ~  
> Love,  
> Akiko


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> Well, what did I say about the last chapter being emotional? This is worse haha ~ no but seriously, I was very emotional while writing this. I hope it shows; and I hope you enjoy the chapter! <3

"I swear to God, Wonhoe, if you touch my feet one more time I'll take my blanket and make you sleep on the floor."

The bundle of arms and legs next to me groaned, sliding a bit closer to the wall in retreat. I used the moment of inattention to grab my blanket and unwrap him at least a little bit as efficient as I could in the pitch black darkness of the room that was only disrupted by the thin ray of light falling through the open curtains and meeting the wood of the closet.

He groaned again, but his voice was already more quiet than before. I had never known how much of a deep sleeper Wonho was. Ever since his head had met the surface of my pillow, his eyes had been closed tightly as to ignore the world in front of them. Whenever another REM circle started, whenever he had a new dream or something I didn't know about happened, his legs unconsciously kicked me, almost making my body leave the mattress; if it weren't for the consistent sleepy groans as a reaction to my words, I would've been sure he was trying to make fun of me.

But he wasn't and even though his constant kicks into the back of my knees were starting to annoy me, I could only envy him for his deep slumber. Even if I wasn't as irresponsive to external influences while sleeping as him, I was sure his touches wouldn't have woken me up if I had been asleep. But like this, with closed eyes but my conscience still on running mode, they only pulled me out of every chance to actually calm down that I got.

I turned around to lay on my back, but soon changed my position to the previous one again because otherwise I would feel Wonho's breath on my neck. My threat was an unserious one - I'd never let him sleep on the floor and we both knew it. So we had accustomed ourselves in my small bed, Wonho near the wall and me almost falling out of it.

Honestly, how did it work with Kihyun? I could only wonder. Apparently we unconsciously slept so much closer to each other. Most of the times when I woke up after we had shared my or his bed, he had already stood up. Only during the holidays when I had woken up with his body pressed against mine, I had gotten an idea of how it had to look like to Kihyun when we woke up.

It was probably me who became so affectionate during the night and him that never said a word about it because he was, unlikely, comfortable, or, already more likely, a bit embarrassed about it. Even though the first didn't seem too unlikely anymore with us holding hands.

Even thinking about it made me wish he was here. It wasn't just because of Wonho's constant kicking, and it made me feel guilty about the fact I preferred his company over Wonho's, but I quickly noticed it was one of the few reasons the world around me just refused to disappear for a bit of time. Kihyun sleeping next to me was something so normal, something so reassuring that the different kind of warmth in my bed would've told me something was wrong even if I hadn't known in the first place.

But I knew. I knew all to well and it made me turn around again and again, trying to figure out ways how to deal with this situation.

Wonho had apparently found the one that did it for him - even if it was just until tomorrow morning. I would've liked for him that the next day was Saturday or even Sunday, but it wasn't and he would have to stand up and face the reality in which he had kissed his best friend. I didn't dare to make assumptions about how Hyungwon thought about it. I just hoped they would ... somehow get along.

Wonho had always been one to love others unconditionally. Even as a friend I was able to feel it, the way he cared about me and tried to make sure I was okay. Growing up without friends, I had known nothing about friendship until I had met him, and even though he probably didn't know he had taught me a lot.

But he was also incredibly shy when it came to things he wasn't sure about and the fact he had kissed Hyungwon told me how serious and sincere his feelings towards our sleepy, sarcastic best friend had to be. I wished I had paid attention to them sooner instead of being so invested with my own miserable love life. Because like this, I wasn't even able to reassure Wonho their friendship wouldn't be a mess after all of this. I was sure Hyungwon loved Wonho, as a friend or more, but both were so incredibly stubborn it would maybe take a while for them to get onto terms with whatever they were feeling.

Hopefully it wouldn't be too awkward for all of us and especially not for them, however Hyungwon would choose to react to Wonho's rather unconventional confession. Knowing them, I doubted it, but I myself wasn't really in a position to judge. At least Wonho had been able to make a step towards Hyungwon, while I was still an embarrassed bundle of nerves trying to get control over my feelings.

I had thought about standing up and laying down in Kihyun's bed; Wonho surely wouldn't notice, at least not tonight. But it would appear very strange to him the next morning, and concerning Kihyun, I felt it wasn't right to invade his private space any more. Besides the fact we wouldn't be able to talk with Wonho sleeping just a meter away, I was sure I had already exceeded my limit of invading privacy for today.

I just couldn't get the picture of Kihyun's scars out of my head. Whenever I closed my eyes, they seemed to magically appear in front of them, making my stomach ache as if I was the one getting them. Strangely enough, I would've liked for them to be on my skin if it meant they would disappear on his. 

Even though my anger had calmed down, I was still thinking about ways to torture whoever had done that to him, and in my mind it didn't make sense why he wouldn't tell me if it wasn't Doyoung. But suddenly I noticed how many things I had no idea about; it was like studying for a test, spending nights awake and trying to understand math problems, just to sit there the next day, looking at the questions and realizing that, even though you knew the topic and maybe some formula, you still had no idea how everything fell into place.

I knew a lot of things about Kihyun; it had somehow become a secret mission of mine to get to know him as good as possible. Maybe to find something I didn't like about him in order to continue seeing him as a friend, but in the end just to fall even harder for him. I felt like I knew him, but apparently I didn't. There were so many blank spaces on the canvas I didn't know how to fill - his parents, his family in general, his scars, what secret he and Doyoung were talking about and so many other little things I had kind of avoided questioning. Maybe because I feared the answer. Maybe because I feared not to get one.

I knew it was stupid even thinking about Doyoung's little deal, but I didn't want Kihyun to get hurt, no matter what he had written on that damned paper. A memory blurred itself into the mess of thoughts in my head ... just three signs he had told me in the bathroom, all these months ago when he had asked me if I wanted to know what he had written. Why did he think three signs could change my feelings towards him?

Even a hundred wouldn't be able to, I was sure about that. He might have been just a little crush in the beginning, but by now I was sure the point of no return had been passed. Maybe he thought all of this was a bit too much for a friendship, but how should I tell him it wasn't without completely showing my feelings?

I turned the possibilities in my head, one of them making less sense than the other. If I was being honest with myself, I was afraid. I was afraid I'd be the one destroying our friendship, I'd be the one laying down my feelings when Kihyun didn't return them.

If he was the one worrying and feeling guilty about demanding too much, how was I supposed to make him understand I'd soon shatter into a million tiny pieces if I wouldn't be able to give him everything?

Wonho beside me was turning, his arm brushing my back. I didn't react as he kicked me another time. Instead I used the opportunity his grip for my blanket had enabled and slid to the end of the mattress, sitting up and testing the cold floor with my feet. The alarm clock placed on my desk blinked in regular, periodic intervals. It jumped von 00:21 to 00:22.

Kihyun had put on his jacket, but still, I knew he was only wearing a shirt underneath. He didn't even have a scarf. That boy was unable to care for himself when it came to things like clothing and it was only one of the many things making me feel anxious and sick in my stomach. I had never put too much thought into it, the way he never seemed to think about his well-being; but somehow, in that dark room, with my hands on the mattress and eyes focused on the clock, it made a shiver roll down my spine.

Damn it. Did I care too much about him? Cross that out, of course I did. Did he want me to care less about him? I felt a knot in my throat. Putting it like this was just another way to wrap the unavoidable question in gift paper and put it under an imaginary Christmas tree in hopes the 24th wouldn't arrive too soon.

_He needs someone to care for him.  
Everyone needs someone to care for them._

I didn't know for how long I had been lying next to Wonho, staring at the wooden door with my hands beneath the blanket, when it finally opened. I couldn't see the clock from my point of view and I guess I wouldn't have looked at it even if I had been able to. When the so familiar silhouette slipped past the doorframe, I didn't dare to move, as if he would be leaving my sight like sand running through my fingers if I made a sound.

Because he himself never seemed to make a sound. In the silence of the night, every one of Kihyun's actions my eyes so carefully followed seemed to possess two objectives - to perform the movement and get the result, but also to make it seem like the action itself had never happened; like it didn't exist if you just closed your eyes.

I had always compared Kihyun to a scent, not being able to be noticed if you didn't know it was there, but a fragrance so delicate and fragile it always remained in the back of your mind. But he wasn't just a scent; in the way he took off his jacket, removed his shoes and stepped out of his jeans. God, Kihyun was everything but a scent; he was air. He was the air around me, the air he was breathing out and I was breathing in, the air coming through the doorgap and window and the air beneath my blanket. He was the air in my lungs and I wished to become everything touching him, the fabric of his shirt and the warmth radiating off his body, the floor beneath his feet and the taste on his tongue.

I wished to become the moonlight shining on his skin as he laid his fingers on the hem of his shirt to take it off, the rays of light caressing his body and drawings patterns on his skin, the white silk wrapping him in a soft halo. He looked like porcelain, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I was looking at him, his frame so dominant in the darkness. No matter how small and silent he tried to make himself, for me, his voice would always be the loudest in the room.

His scars, they looked like little cracks on the surface, like someone had dropped him and missed the glue to put him back together. I noticed that, although we had spent so much time with each other, I had never seen him in anything less than a shirt and trousers.

_I don't want you to see me like this._

I wanted to tell him he was so beautiful I didn't know if I was dreaming. I wanted to become the air around him, everything he would never be able to let go of. I wanted to be his.

The fabric covered his hips, his scars and shoulders, before the blanket deprived me of the rest. I felt like someone had glued me onto the mattress, only my eyes were blinking - I didn't dare to close them, in fear of losing sight of him if I did.

If he noticed the little teddy bear I had put beneath his pillow, he didn't let it show. Probably it was just too dark and he too tired.

Some time passed. I couldn't see the clock. I didn't need to. I wanted the time to stop and my body to dissolve into tiny molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide like the ones in the air between us.

He wasn't even moving, lying as still as I was, the back of his head on the pillow. My eyes focused on the little lowering between his cupids bow and nose. Probably he was already sleeping.

I wanted to say something. What? I didn't know.  
Something. Anything.  
Everything.

"Kihyun?", I whispered. I wasn't too sure if all of this, even my own voice, was an imagination or not.  
He didn't answer. Maybe he was already sleeping. And maybe, I was, too.

\-----------------------------

"I can't believe it. Is he serious? Just because he couldn't read my handwriting? Have you seen my handwriting?"

It took me a moment to notice Jooheon was in fact speaking to me, and I looked up with a confused expression on my face. Caught in my own thoughts, I hadn't remarked he had taken out his math exam for the tenth time this morning ever since we had gotten it back. Being tired and exhausted by class and his complaints, I had been relieved to be able to sit down in the cafeteria and agonizingly slowly eat my yoghurt, but even at lunch I wasn't safe from Jooheon and that damned piece of paper.

"Mhm", I muttered, spoon still in my mouth. He furrowed his eyebrows, asking: "Mhm? Mhm, yes, or mhm, no?"

I swallowed. "Mhm like mhm, I've seen it and it's absolutely terrible. Why are you even complaining? You're two grades better than me, even though Mr Choi hates you. Besides, everyone would have removed a point - I can't read it either."

"You're mean", Jooheon responded with a pout. "I really wanted that point."

"Why?", I asked, taking the paper out of his hands before he could react and throwing a glance onto the review key. "See, you would need three points more for the better grade. There's no reason to stress about that one formula."

Jooheon shrugged, smiling awkwardly. "Seoyeon and I had a bet and she's one point better than me."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "So you're competing against your girlfriend now? Isn't that kind of desperate?"

He held up his hands in defeat. "Hey, don't blame me. She loves betting on things and I, well, I love her so I go along. Besides, it's fun. Except for when I lose."

"Why?", I asked a second time and continued to eat. Orginially, I had wanted to go to the convenience store after school, as I had no class in the afternoon on Tuesday and I was already starving with just yoghurt as a meal, but the weather outside made me change my mind very quickly. It was an odd mix of rain and snow falling down from the sky and the bluish grey clouds decorating it. Even inside the cafeteria the freezing wind coming from outside was noticeable.

"Because this time it could be a bit awkward", Jooheon explained and pretended he was still looking at his exam, even though I could see his glance shifting. "I lost, so I have to ask you something."

My head went up. "Wait, what?"

Jooheon seemed to blush slightly and I started feeling a bit uncomfortable. What did their bet have to do with me? I feared the worst. Jooheon was unpredictable and him and Seoyeon combined might be even worse when it came to things like this.

"Okay, listen to me", Jooheon said, still fumbling with the exam, "Seoyeon has been talking to me about this for the past few weeks and because she didn't dare to ask you so we made a bet that whoever had less points in this math exam had to ask you."

"Uh-huh?", I gulped, almost choking on my yoghurt.

"Well, so ... don't blame me", he continued and bit on his lip before blurting out: "What's going on between you and Kihyun?"

This time I choked on my yoghurt for real. I couldn't swallow it and hoped the way my face went bright red would cover the way I was blushing. When I was finally able to answer, my voice was a bit too quiet. "W-What? What do you mean?"

Jooheon himself seemed to be a bit uncomfortable. "I mean ... you know."

I knew? I definitely didn't know. Especially about what was between me and Kihyun. Since he had come home yesterday night, an event of which I still didn't know whether it had been a dream or not, I hadn't seen him again. When Wonho had woken me up by kicking me this morning, he had already left and at school, I hadn't gotten a glimpse of him either. I didn't know how to feel about it. While I would've liked to talk to him about what had happened, I didn't know how to without spilling out all of my feelings.

I tried to search for the right words. Jooheon was still waiting for an answer. "I don't really want to talk about this right now", I finally responded, immediately struck with guilt. "Please don't ... don't take this the wrong way."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intervene in anything or something like that ... it's just that Seoyeon thought, well ..." He scratched his neck and didn't dare to look at me once more. I was staring at the now empty cup of yoghurt. There wasn't any food left to eat and pretend like Jooheon's question hadn't just caused me to feel like I was struck by a lightening.

"It's okay, it's just that ..." I pressed my lips together. "I'm sorry, I think I have to go now. I have a lot of homework to do and I still need to study for the biology exam."

Jooheon looked at me like he wanted to say something else as I stood up, but he didn't. I hurried to throw the cup in the trash and walk away, adjusting the strap of my bag. I felt bad, worse than I had ever done after a conversation with him. Jooheon was one of my best friends, so why couldn't I be honest to him?

But there was something between Kihyun and me at the moment that wasn't right, and it would have felt wrong talking about it to someone else, not to mention the general question if there were feelings between us. What was I supposed to say if I didn't have a clue how Kihyun felt about me?

If I was being honest with myself, I felt like someone had sucked all energy out of my body since last evening. I couldn't stand not talking to Kihyun, not knowing what was even going on. Was he angry with me? Did he feel guilty? I hated when characters in movies or books weren't able to talk clearly about what was bothering them, but right now I got a taste of what it felt like to be unable to make a move in any direction. I felt like I was glued on the spot and even though I knew what was the core of the problem - my feelings and the connected fear of losing Kihyun - I had no idea how to solve it.

I knew I would have to talk to him sooner or later, but right now, my coping mechanism called ignorance seemed like the only possibility not making me crazy. Jooheon had just crushed that ignorance; and now, all of the thoughts were coming back and I felt awful.

I wasn't left alone with these thoughts for too long, though. I hadn't even reached the third floor when a familiar figure appeared next to me. I shrieked a bit as Hyunwoo laid his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, Changkyun?", he asked and I turned around. Even in the dorm building, the sharp wind outside could be heard. I leaned against the handrail of the staircase. Hyunwoo was wearing a jacket, but I still noticed the gym clothes underneath. "Oh, hey", I responded, slightly taken aback by the sudden encounter. "What's up?"

"I'm just on my way to gym class", he explained. Juniors normally had football in the first semester. "I wanted to ask you about Minhyuk."

Somehow I had the impression everyone in our group of friends was dealing with relationship problems at the moment. At least three quarters. "I talked to him on Sunday", I responded, even though it was obvious Hyunwoo already knew. After all, we had been out together. After that night, I had thought about texting him, but I hadn't known what to tell him.

"Did he say something?", Hyunwoo asked. The apparent worry in his voice and the way his eyes sparkled at the mention of Minhyuk's name made my heart ache. "I mean, something about all of this that has been going on lately."

I hesitated to tell him anything specific. As much as I wanted to play matchmaker, it wasn't my right to say anything about how Minhyuk felt for him.

I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable in my skin. "I'd like to tell you, but I think you should talk about this with him yourself."

The sad expression on his face made me want to take back my words. "I see", he responded after he had been silent for a few seconds, lowering his glance onto the steps. "I have the feeling he's avoiding me, and it's making me crazy because I don't know why."

If he only knew how well I understood him. I didn't know if Kihyun was avoiding me or if it was the other way around, but I could surely relate.

"There always seems to be something unspoken between two people, don't you think?", Hyunwoo suddenly added. "And most of the time, I feel like it are the most important things hanging in the air, unable to be voiced."

I was only able to nod. There was something sitting inside my chest, making it unable to answer. 

Even as Hyunwoo had already said goodbye and jogged down the stairs, I stood next to the handrail, eyes focusing on the snow falling down outside the window.

\-------------------------------------------------

Looking back, I don't know where all of us went wrong, but we somehow did.

The newscaster explained with a calm and steady voice the winter in South Korea had officially begun - since Tuesday, it hadn't stopped snowing even once. Gym class had to be cancelled because it was too cold to go outside. In the mornings, the window of our room was covered with frost, distorting the world outside in as many ways as a kaleidoscope. The hallways at school were full of melting snow, making it impossible to take a few steps without slipping.

I spent my mornings wrapped in blankets, sitting on my bed and doing homework. I wrote a biology test on Wednesday and an English test on Thursday. At night, I showered so hot it felt like my skin burned. My trips to the convenience store were lowered to once every two days. Even though I was freezing, I ate chocolate icecream before going to bed.

Wonho skipped school on Wednesday, saying he felt sick even though we both knew it was because of Hyungwon. He didn't want to speak about going back to their room, and instead continued to sleep in my bed. I didn't dare to complain. His presence was the only thing holding me back from going crazy.

Even though I didn't want to, I felt awkward around Jooheon and Seoyeon. I felt like I had to say something about what had happened on Tuesday, but I didn't trust my mouth. He didn't mention it again. Not that he would've had any chance to anyway; we didn't meet except for class.

Somehow him and Seoyeon had started going to the city for lunch, and I feared it was because of my behaviour. Or maybe because of the others'. I couldn't judge them; it wasn't comfortable eating in the cafeteria anymore.

Hyunwoo and Minhyuk didn't talk to each other. At least it seemed like that to me. Whenever I bumped into one of them in the hallways, they looked even sadder than the last time I had seen them. Hyunwoo was afraid Minhyuk didn't trust him and Minhyuk was afraid to be hurt once again.

Nobody was talking to anyone anymore. And the person I'd have liked to talk to the most?

Kihyun always stood up earlier than us, maybe to leave us enough time to get ready, but I had the bad feeling it was also because of me. Wonho and me always returned from school together. Either Kihyun was sitting on his bed listening to music, or he came home when we were already sleeping. I soon discovered he was indeed with Hyungwon, and I couldn't help the jealousy in my chest.

I wasn't too sure myself what had happened on Monday that had distanced us so much. Whenever I caught him looking at me, there was no anger in his eyes, just sadness. I felt like standing between two chairs - I had no idea what I should say to him to make it better. I felt like everything I wanted to tell him, that I needed him and cared about him and would do anything for him, wasn't able to be voiced without completely revealing my feelings.

And I was scared. Maybe also because of all the misery around me. Our group was friends seemed to be in a crisis and all of that just because everyone had feelings they weren't able to show or voice. It was so frustrating I couldn't sleep at night. Winter had begun, but the weather wasn't the only thing that was freezing cold.

I didn't know yet how long it would continue to go on like this, when I reached a turning point on Friday. The last three days had been a living hell and I was laying on my bed, earphones in, reading a chapter in my school book as I heard the door open behind me. There was no doubt it was Wonho who had entered. If it had been Kihyun, I wouldn't even have heard the door in the first place.

What I didn't expect though were my earphones being pulled out. I turned around and sighed. "Hey, give them back to me."

Wonho looked equally as bad as I did, I noticed once more. It was like everything that had happened, or, even more fitting, hadn't happened, seemed to have deprived us of our spirits. Different from his usual self, he didn't respond with a sarcastic comment, but instead hesitated a bit.

"I need your help", he then said and I suddenly became keen on hearing what he had to say. "This can't go on like this. If I have to live like this one more day, I'll become crazy. Also, your bed is too small for two people. So, can you maybe bring my luggage down into my room?"

Somewhere between morning and lunch time on Wednesday Wonho had managed to get a few of his clothes and other personal stuff out of his room without meeting Hyungwon. I had already wondered where this should lead and if he would spend the rest of his life in our room, but now that he had stated his plans on moving out, I was a little bit surprised.

"I thought you wanted to avoid Hyungwon?", I asked, finally managing to get my earphones back, but I stopped the music.

"That's why I'd beg you to bring my luggage down instead of myself", he answered. "Can you look if Hyungwon's there? I really don't want to meet him alone after all these days of silence."

I suppressed my comment about how a conversation alone would be the thing they needed so badly. I knew Wonho would never go down there without me checking beforehand, and besides, it didn't seem like such a bad idea to get the chance to talk to Hyungwon. Ever since Wonho had been avoiding him, he had somehow dragged me along, which resulted in me not speaking to Hyungwon although I was solely a spectator of their problems.

"Okay", I therefore answered, making Wonho raise his eyebrows. Apparently he hadn't expected me to be convinced so easily. "Where's your stuff?"

On the way to their room I thought about this whole situation. I wanted to change something, anything, because with every passing day I had the feeling we all broke a little bit further apart. Still, I lacked the crucial idea on how to achieve an improvement; I didn't want to be a spectator of all this anymore, but change needed action.

At least I was relieved it was Hyungwon who opened the door after I had knocked. Seeing his face made me remember it had only been three days since all of this drama had somehow started, but it felt like an eternity. He was sleepily scratching his neck, but didn't seem the slightest bit surprised by my presence.

"Hey, come in", he greeted me and took a step to the side so I could enter the room. It was warmer inside the rooms than outside, so he hurried to close the door again. I had never been in their room, I suddenly noticed as I took a look around. Instead of the two separate beds, there was one normal and one bunk bed. Two closets instead of one, three desks instead of two. The disheveled blanket and pillow already made me guess Hyungwon's bed before he sad down on the mattress.

"Is that Wonho's stuff?", he asked with a glance at the bag I was still holding, and I nodded. "Let me guess: He wanted you to bring this to check if I'm here or not so he can continue to avoid me?"

I almost laughed. A smile appeared on my lips. "You really know him well, don't you?"

Hyungwon shrugged. There was the same sad aura around him that was around Wonho. It was exhausting. "He's so damn stubborn."

"I've tried to get him to talk to you", I responded and he looked up, a bit of confusion on his face. "Did he tell you what happened?"

"Yeah, he did." I put the bag down on the floor to join him on the bed. "I've had to share my bed with him for the last few days."

"Oh, I already figured he would be with you or Jooheon", Hyungwon explained. He seemed more tired than normally. "You know, it would all be so much easier if we just talked with each other. But he refuses to turn on his stupid phone and whenever I take one step in his direction he runs away like I'm a big spider." Silence. "He's terribly afraid of spiders", he then added.

"He's not afraid of you", I tried to respond, "I think he's afraid of what you might say. Or feel." I awkwardly shifted on the bed. It wasn't like I was the right person to give someone else advice.

"Being afraid doesn't make anything better", Hyungwon said. "Being afraid makes you forget it could actually turn out better than you expected. Being afraid of someone else's feelings isn't logical. Not knowing what someone else feels for you is worse than knowing, even if it's not what you wanted to hear. It's not like the other person's feelings will change just because you avoid the topic."

I wasn't too sure if he was talking about him and Wonho anymore. All I could think about was Kihyun. But that didn't surprise me - all I could ever think about was him.

Hyungwon was looking at me, and I felt his glance burning on my skin. "So, what's going on between you and Kihyun?"

I flinched. "What's all of this about?", I asked defensively, "Why is everyone suddenly talking about us?" I couldn't help but blush slightly. Ignoring wasn't easy if you were always reminded of what you tried so hard to ignore.

"Oh, come on", Hyungwon answered. "He was here before you came and went out with Jooheon to sit at the fountain. He didn't look like he was okay. I might have been blind towards Wonho's feelings, but I'm certainly not blind for what's between you two. I don't know what you fought about or what's even going on, but it's not worth the silence. One has to talk about their feelings."

"Then why aren't you talking about yours?", I asked. "If it is so easy, why didn't you talk to Wonho before all of this happened?"

"I never said it was easy", Hyungwon defended himself, "and I would've talked to him if I had known what the hell I felt for him before he kissed me."

There was a moment of silence between us, both of us staring at the floor instead of at each other. He was surely thinking about Wonho, whereas all I could see in front of my eyes was Kihyun. "Was he here? Kihyun, I mean?"

"A few times", Hyungwon responded. "Never said anything about you though. Same with Minhyuk."

"Minhyuk?" I turned around to look at him. "What did he tell you?"

"Not much. I figured most of the things by myself considering he and Hyunwoo are almost as bad as Wonho and me right now. He just said he wasn't sure if Hyunwoo cared enough about him, if Minhyuk wouldn't just bother him ..." Hyungwon sighed. "It would all be so much easier if we would just let each other know we care. I tried to let Wonho now, but he's too afraid. Minhyuk and Hyunwoo are both too afraid and you and Kihyun ..."

He let himself fall down on the mattress, still looking at me. Maybe he expected me to say something. I didn't - I was too afraid of not being able to stop once I opened my mouth. My eyes were burning suspiciously. _If we would just let each other know we care._

"I should go now", Hyungwon suddenly said and sat himself up again. "If Wonho doesn't want to see me yet, I should -"

"This is all stupid", I muttered under my breath and stood up. "You stay here, okay? Don't you dare go somewhere else."

Before he was able to respond, I had already walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. All the frustration that had piled up inside of my chest since the beginning of the week was starting to transform into something else I couldn't yet name. All that Hyungwon had said was spreading in my mind like acid someone had poured into my mouth as I was walking up the stairs to the third floor. He was so right with every word that had passed his lips. It had been enough.

"He isn't there", I told Wonho as I entered the room. He was laying on my bed and raised his head, his glance suspiciously searching for his bag in my hands. "Where's my stuff then?"

"I placed it next to the door", I lied. "The door is locked, so we need your key."

Wonho had always been one to believe other's easily, and apparantly I was a better liar than I had thought I was. Maybe because I didn't exactly feel bad about not telling the truth. If I did, he would just spend another night in my bed, kicking me. Somehow I had the feeling he did this because he had nightmares.

"I'll just try to go to sleep", he explained as we were taking the same way I had just taken. I noticed he was staring at an imaginary point somewhere in front of us, probably thinking about how he should survive from now on without talking to Hyungwon. He was so caught in his thoughts he didn't even notice there was no bag in front of the door until he had already handed me his keys to unlock it.

"Hey, Changkyun, there's -", he began, but was interrupted by the door opening.

Hard to describe what Wonho saw in Hyungwon or Hyungwon in Wonho in that exact moment. I felt like a spectator of something that should've taken place somewhere more silent, more special, not between a hallway and a dorm room. There were certain moments when you couldn't read one's mind, but you dared to claim you could imagine what someone else was feeling. I just hoped my imagination wasn't wrong, because the next moment, I had already given Wonho a little push in Hyungwon's direction, grabbed the doorhandle and closed the door. The key was quicker in its lock than they could even react, and only one second later I could hear Wonho's voice. "Changkyun! You little -"

He didn't finish his sentence, or I didn't hear it because I walked away. It wasn't my place to be at, it was something both of them had to talk about. I had given them the opportunity to, since Wonho was too stubborn to ever take a step towards Hyungwon. Maybe he would hate me forever, but that was a diminishingly small likelihood. It was worth it. 

I was thinking about staying close to the room to let them out again in a bit of time, as I had left the key in the lock, but as if fate was on my side today, I didn't even need to take ten steps to encounter someone who was much more suited for that job.

"Minhyuk?", I asked when I saw him coming towards me from the direction of the stairs and he looked up, a faint smile appearing on his lips. "Oh, hey Changkyun."

"Are you on the way to your room?", I asked and he nodded. A bit apologetically, I explained: "Uh, you can't go there right now. I've locked Hyungwon and Wonho in there. Maybe you can unlock the door in fifteen or twenty minutes."

Minhyuk's eyes became bigger until he finally understood what was going on. He chuckled a bit. "I don't know if you're cruel or a genius."

"I just want my friends to be happy." My voice became more quiet towards the end of the sentence and I ended up lowering my glance a bit, thinking about what Hyungwon had said earlier. I couldn't hold back. "You know, Hyunwoo cares a lot for you."

The smile on his face vanished. "Why ...?"

"I thought you should know", I answered. "He always asks me if you're okay. He's so worried about you. You mean really much to him. I'm not trying to interfere, I just wanted to tell you you shouldn't be worried you'd bother him by telling him anything. He cares about you."

Minhyuk continued to stare at me, almost as if that was the last thing he had expected me to say. I was glad I had gotten it off my chest; it was the least I could do to give all of them a gentle push into the right direction. After a few seconds, he nodded, slowly, like he was still trying to process my words. There was nothing left for me to say; I smiled at him and turned around to return to my own room.

"So what about Kihyun?"

I stopped in my tracks; like an invisible force had grabbed me by my ankles and was forcing me to halt. The words were caught somewhere inbetween my vocal cords and tongue; I had no idea what to respond. What about Kihyun? There were a lot of things I could have answered. I could have told Minhyuk about the way Kihyun's chest was rising and sinking when he was sleeping, how soft his hands looked or how much I missed hearing his voice, even though I didn't know myself which voice exactly I was talking about.

There could be books, series I could write about him, documentaries and poems and haiku ending in syllables as soft-looking as his lips. There could be stories only about the way his eyes sparkled when he saw something he liked, the way he walked while putting on his jacket or the way he laughed without actually doing so. There were so many things to say and even more to think about, and every fiber of my body was filled by them.

Still, I stood at the foot of the stairs, unable to say anything. When I finally turned around, still no answer on my lips but feeling the urge to move, to do something, Minhyuk was already gone.

The hallways were a lot colder than they had felt just a few minutes ago, and when I finally reached our room, I was shivering because of different reasons. I went into the bathroom to wash my hands with hot water that almost burned me, looking at my reflection in the mirror in a desperate attempt to receive an answer to the question in my head.

I had given everybody else a push into the right direction and still I seemed to be unable to give myself one, too. Hyungwon's words had made me think, even more than I had the last days. I knew at some point something had to happen between me and Kihyun, whatever it was. I wasn't able to go on like this; he was too important to me.

My orginal plan had been thinking. My whole life, I had been thinking about everything - what to wear, what to eat, what to do, what to say and when to smile. There wasn't one thing about my entire existence that wasn't throughroughly thought-out. Even though I had been able to gain some confidence the last few years, my mind and conscience were still the most active part in my actions. There was no way for me to feel comfortable with a decision solely based on my intuition or feelings.

But that day, when I was walking out of the bathroom, hands still wet and some drops of water falling onto the floor, something changed for the first time. It was the moment I looked at my bed, ready to lie down and sink into a world different to the one in front of my eyes; my glance noticed Kihyun's bag next to his bed, telling me he had been in here while I had been gone, and then I saw the little teddy bear sitting on my pillow.

It was the one I had put beneath his pillow a few days ago, the one with the shy smile and bright fur. The only difference was the little note that was slipped between his arm and torso, the note I almost ripped as I hurried to get it closer to my eyes.

It read: **_I'm sorry ... :)_**

At first, something about that smiley bothered me, and then everything. Everything bothered me, about the way this little bear was placed on my pillow to Kihyun's handwriting on the paper I was holding; I could feel my eyes starting to burn. The thing bothering me the most were his words, the 'sorry' he had written like there was something he had to be sorry for.

Why? Why did he always think there was something he should be sorry for? Why wasn't he thinking about wearing a sweater when going outside, or taking a scarf with him, or making sounds while he was doing something to show he was existing, he was right there; why was he always thinking of himself as a burden?

He felt sorry for me learning his language, for me having to fight with Doyoung because he had entered my life, sorry that I had seen his scars and probably sorry for so many things I didn't even notice. Because he didn't have to be sorry for them. Because I cared for him. Because he was so important to me and I would have done anything just to make sure he was okay. He wasn't okay; he was sorry. And there was nothing to be sorry about.

If anything, I should be sorry - I crumbled the note in my hand, biting on my lip. I was the one always being afraid of things that wouldn't be less scary just because you ignored them.

_There always seems to be something unspoken between two people, don't you think?_

There was something unspoken between Kihyun and me, and it was the most important thing one could be able to voice or show. How did I let this happen?

I had allowed Kihyun to be hurt when I had just allowed him to distance himself from me because he was afraid he would be a burden for me. Why? Because I had been scared of getting hurt myself if he didn't return my feelings. What a selfish thought that was - no matter how Kihyun would react to what I was feeling for him, it would always be a better choice than letting him believe I didn't care about him enough to be okay with everything he felt sorry for.

I had tried to help Hyungwon and Wonho, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo - but I was starting to think it had been the other way around. Not I had helped them; they had helped me.

_One has to talk about their feelings._

And suddenly, without thinking, everything seemed to be to clear in my mind.

It was like someone had pulled the curtain away from my eyes, to let me see the world outside instead of the world I had created inside of my own mind. I knew all of these nights, all of these longing glances that had been gliding over his body like the rays of moonlight falling through the window and the fluttering of his lashes hadn't been an imagination; I had felt glued onto the mattress because I had been afraid to let him know I was looking at him. Kihyun and me had become so similiar to each other, at least me to him; I had been a coward not to make a noise. I wanted him to know I looked at him; wanted him to know so badly every fiber of my body began to ache as I ran out of the room and down the stairs. My feet weren't able to carry me fast enough to my destination.

She was sitting in her classroom, leaning over a pile of exams like the last time. Today, I wasn't looking for Kihyun. I knew where he was. I was looking for something else, something I didn't know yet how to express, but something so precious I was scared it would fall out of my hands and shatter on the floor if I didn't treat it with care.

"Mrs Lee?" She looked up when she heard my voice; there was no surprise on her face, not like the last time she had seen me. Although I wasn't confessing anything yet, I felt a shiver roll down my spine. "Yes, Changkyun?"

"I have something really important to ask you", I managed to say. I had the faint hope it would be easier like this. I didn't trust my body, but I didn't trust my voice either. "It's about sign language."

"I'm glad to hear you're so interested in learning it", she praised me and laid down her pen to turn around in her chair. I made a step in her direction so I was standing in front of her desk. "I've already noticed you know a lot of signs. I guess it's because of Kihyun."

I hurried to nod. "Yes, I learned it to talk to him." There was a little pause. I felt like the tip of my tongue was stuck to the back of my mouth. "We learn a lot together. B-but there is still something I need to ask you."

"Sure", she answered, a smile on her lips. "What do you want to know?"

"How do you sign the word for being in love?"

I definitely couldn't trust my voice - in the way it was trembling and becoming more and more quiet. Maybe she had noticed it, maybe it was my question that made her look at me for a second like she was able to read my mind. She didn't ask why I wanted to know it nor why I didn't just ask Kihyun.

"I like that sign", she instead explained and raised her hands. "Look ... you form to Vs with your fingers." My eyes followed her action. "The palm is facing your face and then you form two little circles each in front of your eyes."

My glance was focused on her hands showing me the sign, but I didn't see her. There was no classroom around me, instead the blue tiles of the boy's bathroom and the red of Kihyun's tie he tried to fix. And instead of Mrs Lee, it was him that was standing in front of me. _Do you want to know the message?_ , I saw him ask, and then his hands were dancing through the air in front of my eyes.

I stared at Mrs Lee, unable to form a coherent thought. My mouth was dry, my heart beating fast. I had spent hours trying to search for this sign in dictionaries and on the Internet, and right now I felt like something up there in the grey clouds was laughing at me. It had always been right in front of my eyes.

_Have you ever liked someone? - I don't know. You? - Once._

"Mrs Lee ...", I stuttered, my voice a thin thread in the air. "Can you tell me what this means? This sign?"

I had memorized Kihyun's signs in the bathroom all this time ago so well as if it had been only yesterday. I pointed at myself, let my hands dance in front of my eyes and lastly signed the biggest mystery out of them all; my hand opening above my eyes like I was shielding them.

She smiled. "Oh, the last sign is the sign for the word lamp or light." She stopped for a second before looking at me again. "But nobody would ever say they are in love with a lamp or the light. I'd say it's a name."

"A ... name?", I managed to say. I felt like breaking down any second. Hyungwon had been right - not knowing was so much worse than everything else.

"Oh, you're right, we haven't talked about names yet in class." She nodded to herself. "Well, there are two ways to say a name in sign language. The first way is to actually spell out every letter with the character alphabet. That's normally done at a first encounter. But when people get more comfortable with each other, they get a real name in sign language. They don't invent a new sign or anything like that, but they assign someone an existing sign that fits. On which criteria this sign is chosen can be different ... I'm pretty sure it's a name in your case. Lamp, light ... people choose names in sign language because the meaning of the sign fits the personality of the person." She made a pause and I felt like the world was crashing down on me. "But in other cases, names are also chosen based on a first encounter. Something you remember about a person, you know?"

Someone was dying and I was sure it was me. Fire had begun to burn in my body and it was slowly coming closer and closer to my brain, until every chance of logical reasoning would be illiminated. I didn't feel like I would ever be able to think clearly again.

_Grabbing the lamp on the nightstand next to me, I waved it over my head and --- And suddenly, the lamp went on and showed me who I was attacking._

_I don't ... normally grab my lamp and throw it in people's faces._

_I haven't yet had the chance to tell Hyungwon that you're now in the possession of, like you said, a cute roommate, but I think he would definitely agree on the fact that it's hilarious you practically almost killed a stranger with a lamp._

All of this time, I had been looking for a sign that Kihyun returned my feelings without looking at the most obvious. And now, I wanted to confess only to discover he had already done.

"Mrs Lee?", I asked, and I felt like there wasn't anything left for me to breathe in, "What's the sign for air?"

 

I was running. I was running faster than I had ever run in gym class, when I was too late for school or in general in my entire life. I was running so fast I felt like my lungs were burning up and my feet were bleeding. There had never been anything I would have had to hurry more for, and so I ran.

_I'll wait for you._

He was sitting at the fountain, his hair swaying softly in the wind. Someone was next to him, Jooheon, of course, like Hyungwon had told me - but somehow, there was only him. And I was grateful for the fire; even though it hurt, it made me forget every logical reason against what I was doing. Thinking about it later, I would probably break down, but right now, everything inside me was screaming while remaining in absolute silence.

"Oh, hey Changkyun", Jooheon said when I stopped right in front of them; I was breathing so fast I felt like my lungs would soon collapse. I tried to look at him, I really did, I swear - but all I could see was Kihyun.

He was sitting there, his jacket opened enough for me to see he wasn't wearing a scarf. I had seen him so often I felt like his picture had been burned inside my mind. I would never be able to get him out of there, I was sure of that. And still, as I was standing in front of him, panting, I was sure I had never really looked at him, not in the way I looked at him now, when the left corner of his mouth was slightly more raised than his right one, when his eyes were so dark and a few of his bangs just barely touching his eyebrows.

"Hey", I said. I didn't feel like saying anything more; everything was burning by now, especially behind my eyes there seemed to be an uncontrollable heat and I wasn't too sure if it wouldn't just spill out if I dared to open my mouth. Additionally, I didn't know what to say - I wanted to do so many things there were no words left. I wanted to smile, but I felt too weak.

Kihyun didn't wave at me. Maybe he was seeing the way I was looking at him, because I was sure anyone would have noticed I was looking at him like he was the only thing left in this world. There wasn't anything else on my mind.

There was a moment of silence; a moment I used to burn everything in my memory, because I didn't want it to ever leave. I could feel Jooheon looking at us, and just out of pressure to say something, I blurted out: "You need to put on a scarf."

And then I was doing it. It? There was no it, because there was no plan. I just knew there were things I had to do in this very moment, and I couldn't because we were next to the fountain, it was freezing cold and Kihyun wasn't wearing a scarf. One second passed and then I was reaching for his hands, laying them around my neck before he even had the chance to react, and lifting him off the fountain before I could understand it myself.

He was staring at me, and maybe he knew. I did. He wasn't heavy or I didn't feel his weight, I didn't know anymore. I just knew I needed to get inside and say everything laying on my chest before I became crazy. Lifting him up was the easiest way to make sure he wouldn't run away. I doubted he would've anyway - he hadn't tried to avoid me the way Wonho had tried not to look at Hyungwon, and the realization he hopefully never would that came with my new knowledge about what exactly he had told me all this time ago, when it had still been warm and my feelings not as burning as they were now, made my chest ache.

"Jooheon, do you still remember what we talked about on Tuesday?", I asked, not taking my glance of Kihyun who was blatantly staring at me with his lips slightly opened like he was surprised but too taken aback by what was happening to show it. I didn't wait for Jooheon's answer. "I know what's going on now. We'll go now, okay?"

I thought I saw Jooheon smile when I turned around and then I started running once again. It surely must've looked ridiculous, the way Kihyun was holding onto my neck as I was trying to sprint down the hallway and up the stairs, the way I was trying to hold my breath and breathe at the same time and the way I struggled to open the door to our room when we had finally arrived. My arms felt weak, and so I let Kihyun down, who gently placed his feet on the floor, his glance not once shifting.

The door fell close behind us and with the silence that followed, I felt the blush starting to spread on my cheeks. He was standing just a meter away from me, his cheeks tinted from the cold and his bottom lip shivering.

"Hey", I said, a test if my voice was stable enough. I would have to talk, as long as the most important words would be told by my hands. But I wasn't there yet. "I'm sorry for ... you know, I mean, carrying you. I just needed to make sure we get here quick." _And that you would stay close._

Kihyun didn't sign anything, but I noticed the soft smile appearing on his lips. I felt like crying, and I didn't even know why. I wasn't used to this, to acting according to my feelings rather than my mind. But somehow, my mind was on standby or completely turned off right now.

"I saw your note", I started to explain. I hadn't thought about what to say, hadn't had the time to do so, and now the words were spilling over my lips like water; Kihyun was listening to me. "And there's so many things I have to tell you and I don't even know where to begin ... don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry, okay?"

I tried to swallow my fear. "I know you well enough by now that I'm able to say I've noticed so many things that aren't visible at the first glance. I ... I know you always forget to put on a scarf. Like now. And sweaters. You forget to buy toothpaste. And food. Except for chocolate icecream. I'd like to think you like chocolate icecream because I like it, but that's a selfish thought, so I really hope you eat so much of it because you like it yourself, and not because of me. You sleep on your back and with your face half hidden behind a pillow, but never on your stomach. You have absolutely no problems with affection and skinship and it's driving me crazy in a good way."

I hoped I wasn't speaking too fast because I couldn't hear my own voice. "You love books. Every kind of them. But your favorite are thrillers. When you're watching a movie and are distracted, you start chewing on your chopsticks without noticing. You're incredibly organized and smart and really good at explaining. You're nice, you're kinder than anyone else I've ever met."

"And still ..." I breathed in. "And still you're making yourself so small. You never make a noise, and I don't mean your voice by that, I mean everything. You always think you're a burden for others. You gave me the chance to turn away even before I had really known you, you think it's bothering me that I learn sign language, that I have to fight with Doyoung or see your scars. Please, God, and I really hope you believe me when I say that's not the case. Don't ... don't be sorry for things others chose to do for you."

He was still staring at me, and I tried not to look away even though I was starting to mix syllables. "I learn sign language because I want to talk to you. I'd learn ten different languages just to talk to you, okay? And I didn't fight with Doyoung because I don't like him, but because he hurt you, and I'd do the same to everyone else who ever tries to hurt you. Because I care about you. A lot. So much I don't even know how to show you anymore. That's why I didn't say anything these past few days ... I was so scared of not being able to tell or show you without ..."

I felt my hands starting to shiver, so I pressed them against my sides. "You're so important to me. I want to make sure you're fine and I don't want you to feel sorry about anything. And especially not about me seeing you and your scars! Why should you be sorry for that? God, Kihyun, I ..." I closed my eyes, not being able to look at him as I was speaking. "You're so damn beautiful and I think you don't even have a clue."

It was silent. I knew I had to say more, but I allowed myself a second of silence, just a second for me to open my eyes again and look at him. I was sure I would melt beneath his glance in any moment. He was looking at me like he was about to cry and I was, too.

"I wanted to tell you something", I said, my voice gradually becoming more slow again. "But I wanted to tell you in both our languages. So I asked Mrs Lee." Slowly, almost in slow motion I raised my hands. "I asked her what to be in love meant. And ... she showed me this sign." I carefully signed the word I had been searching for for so long; my hands were shaking like electricity was running through them.

Kihyun's glance followed my movements, although his eyes somehow never left mine.

"And then I remember what you told me in the bathroom, after you had thrown the papers out of the window ... and I remember that one sign you made, like you were shielding your eyes." I felt like I was choking on my own words. My palms were sweating and my heart was beating so fast I couldn't hear it anymore. "And she told me it was the sign for lamp or light. And that it's most likely a name, a name you gave someone because you think about light when you think about that person ..."

I smiled shyly, the corners of my mouth twitching slightly. "When we first met, I almost threw a lamp into your face. I feel like I'm dying right now to be honest, because ... because I hope so much it's me who you meant when signing that. And if it's really about me, then ..." I breathed in. And out. "You don't have to worry about me seeing you any differently if Doyoung tells me. If that's your secret, if it's your secret that you're ... in love with me, then I will see you exactly the way I saw you before, because even before all of this ..."

I let my hands sink just a bit, until they were at the height of my shoulders. Then, I moved them forth and back with my palms facing my body like I was fanning air at my face. "This is the name I've chosen for you", I whispered, voice almost inaudible. **_Air._** "And ..."

Even though my hands were shivering, I managed to sign. I pointed at myself, let my hands dance in front of my eyes yet another time and then repeated the sign that would always be Kihyun for me.

" ... I am in love with you."

And then it was out. It was floating in the air between us, in the meter of distance that we had, and even that felt like it wasn't enough and too much at the same time. I had said the most vulnerable thing that had ever passed my lips, and the sheer realization made me shiver even harder than I already was. I had said it. I had said it and I couldn't take it back.

And I didn't want to take it back.

Kihyun raised his hands for a split second, like he wanted to sign something but wasn't sure if he was choosing the right words or if he would be able to actually move them. I felt like I was frozen - I had said everything there was to say, and now I was waiting for him to revive or destroy me.

He let his hands sink, and instead took a step towards me. He was so close I could see his lashes, just like I had a week ago; but now, he wasn't asleep. He was awake, and he was standing right in front of me. Another unconscious step, just a small one - he really was about the same height as me, and the darkness of his eyes I was directly staring into made a shiver roll down my spine.

I couldn't feel my fingertips anymore. For the first time since I had started talking, his eyes detached themselves from mine, and instead his glance shifted, focusing on my lips. I felt my heart beating like it was about to jump out of my chest, my glance flickering between his eyes and his lips that were still slightly shivering.

And then he looked up again, and I swear, it was just a second, but it felt like the eternity. It was the question of permission, of consent, of everything he would never be able to voice; he was so close I could feel his breath on my lips and hear the soft, almost inaudible noises he made as he was breathing in and out. And I swear, it was a second that we were looking at each other as if we both knew we would never be able to be the same afterwards.

And then, he softly leaned in, his eyes fluttering shut just as I closed mine, too. A breath on my lips. Warmth, and something very soft, so gently against my mouth it felt like the kiss of a butterfly - and this time, I was the one who leaned in, closing the distance between our lips and feeling him.

It was everything and nothing in a moment. So many sensations, his breath on my skin and his lips that moved so softly against mine as if he was afraid he was going to break me, his hair tingling on my cheek. Somehow, instinctively, I had reached for his body with my hand, pulling him a bit closer and I felt his hand on my neck, his finger slowly gliding over my skin.

Every time my skin touched his, I felt like my body was burning with the desire to get closer to him, closer, so much closer, so close not a single molecule of oxygen would be able to fit in the space between us. Our lips parted for a second, to catch our breath, but I didn't open my eyes, and the next second, his lips were on mine again.

His taste was on my tongue and his hands on my neck and softly stroking my hair, my fingertips pressed against his clothes right above his hip and slowly dragging along his jawline. I ached to get him closer to me; I was empty and I needed to let his scent fill my soul until there wasn't any space left for myself to fit inside.

He smiled against my lips, kissing me again, and yet another time, or maybe it was me; my mind was cloudy, and I couldn't think about anything else than his lips against mine. As I was struggling to get enough air into my lungs, we had to part another time. I dared to open my eyes, our foreheards against each other; he was already looking at me, smiling, and I felt as if flowers were blooming in every part of my body.

He detached his hands from my neck to sign something, hurried as if he couldn't wait to get them back onto my skin. **_Why air?_**

I smiled softly. "Mrs Lee said the name should refer to someone's personality, or something you immediately think about ..." My voice was still shivering, like the rest of my body. "Air is your favorite element. It's always around me, even when you're not here, just like I'm always thinking about you." I smiled, a tiny blush spreading on my cheeks as he looked so intensly at me. "Also, I need it. Just like I need you."

I saw that he wanted to say something as a response, but his eyes were once again focusing on my lips and before I could even blink we were kissing again. I felt like falling down from a very high point, when your stomach and chest were hurting in every possible way. I had never kissed anyone. I didn't know how it worked. It didn't know if Kihyun did. But maybe it wasn't something you had to learn; I didn't think the way his lips moved against mine could get any better.

 ** _Lamp or light is indeed your sign_** , he signed, his fingers that had just been carressing my cheek coming down to speak to me. **_I didn't know if I hoped you would understand or not. But you did. A bit late._** He laughed.

"Hey, I didn't expect you'd give me a sign for something as lifeless as a lamp, even if it kind of characterized our first encounter", I teased him and chuckled. I felt so happy that I didn't know where to put my feelings; maybe I would just tear open like a big, colourful piñata.

We had been right; I was absolutely sure I would never be able to look at him the same. Not after he had kissed me; not after his taste was on my lips and his smile the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

 ** _I didn't just give you that sign because of our first encounter_** , he signed, smiling. **_In my favorite novel, there is a quote I remembered when I met you. They say that if you love someone, they always shine the brightest._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I'm trying so hard not to scream right now. It's 3am and people are sleeping. Internally I'm celebrating with an orchestra.  
> I hope you liked it ~ until next chapter!  
> Love,  
> Akiko


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> Orginally I wanted to say that this was pure fluff - but it actually isn't. You know me. I'd never write down any word without background meaning or significance.  
> Have fun reading! <3

The moment we are born, I believe that we carry something very special inside of us.

No one really knows anything about it; children don't yet possess enough ability of speech to voice it in a way adults would understand, and even if they did, nobody would believe them. They're children after all, people with empty books no one has yet dared to set a pen onto. People believe there have to be words written on your pages by someone else, without realizing you may carry them with you but aren't able to find a pen to write them down.

But a child's pages are empty, not white or black or a shade of grey. If they look onto the world, with all its colours and seasons, they take notice of the things how they are; every piece of landscape in front of them gets burned into their conscience, like fresh paint on a canvas. There is nothing scribbled over their eyeballs with a permanent marker. Their eyes and skin are like windows.

And then, someday, it's just something they hear or see, a word or a picture or a feeling. It's words that turn to dust, like the dust you find on your bookshelves after you haven't cleaned for a while ever since your mother told you you'd have to take care of your room by yourself from now on. And somehow the dust gets stuck in your pores and on the windows and makes the sight a bit duller.

And maybe no one ever comes to clean your window. As you get older, there is more dust and dust until the world outside seems like a black and white print out of a printer that hasn't been working for quite a while. At first you may want to clean them, but just as you missed a pen, you now miss water and a towel. Then, you get used to it. Maybe the world outside isn't worth all this struggle, right?

But then someday, maybe when you're twenty or thirty or forty, there is something on your window. Perhaps it's a newspaper article, or a post-it with a strange handwriting. It's the equivalent of waking up and noticing something's different. And suddenly, there is a wind, or a bird or a human that cleans your windows; he is just suddenly there and you stare at him while trying to figure out how you were able to forget how beautiful and bright it looks outside.

I've never forgotten it, I don't think so. But not being able to clean up the mess, you get a bit numb over time. As humans like to do, adults pretend their windows are clean although they are full of dust, and their children's will soon be too, so no one bothers to pay attention to anything those without words in their books say. So they all carry on with dusty windows, and maybe they are all just too afraid to ask someone to clean them. You might never know if they take a chance to break the glass into pieces, I don't know either. But over time, as the dust is unavoidable, you will need something, someone. An event. Kind words. They can all be the stuff we need to clean our windows.

Or people. I'd like to believe that sometimes it is a person who cleans our windows, just because they want us to see. I always wanted to believe that, just as kids believe in monsters and fairies. And looking at children, who seemed to bear so much more knowledge than some adults do, I'd gotten the impression that we would all be children again if it wasn't for the dust on our windows; the dust, that may only truly be cleaned up by a person because it were humans who put it onto the fragile glass.

Somehow, I'd like to believe Kihyun is my person. The one slowly scrubbing the dust off my windows. Somehow, I'd also like to believe I am the person to clean his, without breaking them. And somehow, strangely, having someone so close to the way I look onto the world made my heart race in every possible way.

Not that it would have been something extraordinary anymore, something out of the norm. Especially since Kihyun's lips had touched mine, my heart felt like it was going to explode every second. Maybe it had already. There were pictures, fragrances and sounds all around me, and still it was like I was looking through a tunnel onto the boy in front of me instead of anything else.

In all honesty, I didn't know how we had ended up on his bed. That alone sounded so different from what was actually happening, but solely the fact Kihyun's fingertips were touching my temple as he put a strand of hair behind my ear was too much for me to comprehend. Everything was happening so quick while being in slow motion, and in my mind I was still asking myself whether I was dreaming or not. But if I was because I had forgotten to put an alarm, Wonho's kicks would've surely woken me up.

So this was reality. My lips felt numb and tingling at the same time and I couldn't help but smile, the corners of my lips curling upwards.

 ** _I like looking at you_** , Kihyun signed, his hands leaving my face to form the words. We were lying on the blanket, facing each other, our knees slightly touching. After having doubted for so long that these touches meant the same for him as they did for me, I couldn't get enough reassurance they did.

I felt myself blush. I knew what it was like to fall in love with someone now that I'd met him, but only thinking about the possibility of him feeling exactly the same when looking at me made the palms of my hands sweaty and my head spin. Although I had managed to get lost of most of my self-consciousness during the last few years, having someone being attracted to me was a whole new wave crashing over me.

"I really meant what I said earlier", I responded, not knowing what else to say as an answer. Having rushed through my confession in fear of not getting the words out fast enough, I felt like I needed to assure him once more. The smile that spread on his face made me laugh a little; every part of my brain was still filled with an overdose of serotonin and dopamine. I could get used to that. "I was in a rush to say it because I was ... I was afraid you'd interrupt me to tell me I was wrong and completely destroying everything."

Kihyun took his time to look at me, biting down on his lip and thinking about my words. It made me want to kiss him again. **_I was too shy to really iniciate anything more than what I had said in the bathroom that day, even though I knew you wouldn't understand ..._** His fingers tried their best to sign while being restricted by the little space between our bodies. **_I tried to tell you, I really did, especially after Wonho asked us for advice and we talked about the whole being bold thing. But then everything else happened and I thought maybe you've done all of this just because you're nice to everyone and not because you like me._**

"I like you. A lot", I whispered. "More than anyone else."

Speaking about my feelings like this was still strange and exciting, yet every smile on Kihyun's face made me gain confidence. I felt like a giant weight had fallen of my shoulders; all the fear I had felt during the last few days that things wouldn't go back to how they had been had vanished. Actually, things _would_ never go back to how they had been, but other than I had expected, in a positive way.

I wanted to say so much to Kihyun and yet I felt like I was mute. Even my fingers weren't under my control anymore. All the studying, all the nights and days spent over my sign language book proved themselves to be useless whenever Kihyun was looking at me like this. This ... this glance that reminded me so much of the way I was looking at him. There was no way on earth I was able to sign something when he was looking at me like this.

Instead, my fingers made their way to his jawline, gently touching the soft skin beneath my fingertips. His eyes fluttered close, and I was contemplating whether he would be okay with me kissing him or not. Just the thought made my heart beat fast and the unspoken question if I'd ever get used to it, to the possibility of kissing him now that I knew how he felt, was interrupted by his hand on my neck, softly pulling me closer as if he'd known what I was thinking about.

And then there was everything and nothing at once; my skin felt hot, and yet I couldn't help wanting to get closer to him. His lips against mine felt so new and yet so familiar, and god, how did he knew how to do this? How did I know? He was the first one to ever taste the corners of my mouth and I was ...

The sudden thought of me being the first one to see, to feel him like this, his fingertips caressing the nape of my neck, the first one to ever get so close to him, made me gasp against his lips, my breath caught somewhere in my throat. He pulled back, his eyes opening wide.

 ** _Did ... did I do something wrong?_** , he asked, the skin of my neck becoming colder without his touch. **_I'm sorry, I've never done anything like this ... with anyone else before._**

I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. "Don't apologize", I responded, "There's nothing to apologize for. I'm just ... I just really like you. And when you're kissing me. Even though I know nothing about kissing, so ..." I stopped for a second. "Can we continue practicing?"

It had become winter, the snow still falling outside our window, wrapping the world into a white haze. It all felt like a fairytale, something unreal and magical. In front of my own personal window through which I was looking at the world was only Kihyun, his face so blurred on my mind because of the way he was kissing me, like he wanted to clean off all the dust. It were gentle kisses, the way he moved his lips and I tried to respond. It was better than every daydream that had haunted me, not only because I knew it was real, but because every movement was unprecitable. And I loved it.

What I didn't love was the way we were interrupted by a certain person making their way into our dorm room by blatantly bursting through the door. It was me who detached my lips, solely because of the fact the loud noise of the door opening made me flinch and lose my balance on the bed. Kihyun's hand reached for me in an attempt to hold me, but my body met the floor before he could do anything about it.

I groaned, looking up through my eyelashes, and noticed Wonho standing in front of Kihyun's bed, looking at him and then back at me. If he had seen us kissing or had noticed how flushed we looked, he didn't say anything about it. At least for now. There were far more concerning topics to speak about apparently. Which one of them was -

"Changkyun, you little shit! Why did you lock me in the room with Hyungwon?"

I had known my penalty would follow soon, although I hadn't exactly thought about what that penalty might be. My decision to force them to talk to each other had been a quick one, because I doubted I would've done it if I had spent a second thought about it.

I opened my mouth to start an apology, when I noticed that, although Wonho looked like he was indeed a bit angry with me, his cheeks were flushed and his eyes sparkling. I closed my mouth again, looking at him for a second more, deciding on whether I should dare to say it or not. But if what I thought was real wasn't the case, I would be in trouble anyway, so there wasn't really anything to lose. "Let me guess: You kissed?"

Wonho, who seemed ready to let out a hate tirade on why I had betrayed him, seemed to be taken aback. I used his second of silence to stand up and sit down on the bed again, my back hurting just slightly. Kihyun, who was following the conversation between us with a smile on his lips, was leaning against the wall behind him.

"How - How dare you?", Wonho responded finally, "Do you know how awkward it would've been being locked in there with him if he wanted to, I don't know, end our friendship or something like that?"

"So he didn't." I couldn't help but grin. "Admit it, you're glad I locked you in there with him."

"Why would I?", Wonho asked and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I've been trying to avoid him for the last week and suddenly you force us to talk to each other?"

"Did you just talk?", I asked with a smile and saw Kihyun laughing beside me. Apparently Wonho had no idea how he looked; there were no mirrors in the hallways. With disheveled hair, flushed cheeks and red lips there was no way in hell he would be able to convince me there had just been words exchanged.

He really had no idea. "W-What? Why are you asking this? This is none of your business! No matter what happened, I'm still angry with you!" He pouted. "Okay, not as angry as I would like to be, but still, angry. A bit."

"Worth it", I answered. "I bet Hyungwon won't be as angry as you. He wasn't the one constantly running away from you when in reality there wasn't anything to be afraid of, am I right?"

"I seriously don't know where you gained that confidence from all of a sudden." He shook his head. "Did Hyungwon tell you he liked me? Or did you just lock us in there with no idea? Because if that's the case I swear to god I'll--"

He was interrupted by Kihyun hitting the fist with his mattress. Confused, he stared at him, almost causing me to laugh. Kihyun's ways to get the attention from others might be a bit strange if you weren't used to them. He signed in my direction, his eyes shining brightly.

"He likes you?", I translated and raised my eyebrows in Wonho's direction. Being exposed like that, he couldn't help but blush. "Are you two matchmakers or something?"

"Oh, I wish." _Maybe then, it wouldn't have taken us so long to get together._ "No, I guess we're just really observant. Hyungwon didn't have to tell me with exactly these words what he felt for you for me to understand him. Additionally, even if I hadn't noticed anything, I would've done what I did just because it was time for you to talk to each other."

Wonho didn't seem to know what to respond. Finally, he shrugged, a bit reserved and reluctant. "Well, I guess he does."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Does what?"

"Like me."

I smiled widely, looking at Kihyun out of the corner of my eye. He was responding to my glance, his eyes forming crescent moons. It made my heart flutter in every possible way. There was no way I would be able to tear my glance away from him if he was looking at me like this ...

"Okay, you two, just stop it."

We looked up in surprise, at Wonho who was eyeing us with a focused glance, pressing his lips together and then reaching out with one arm. "Give me your keys", he ordered, apparently trying to look scary in the way he stared at us. I had to laugh. "Why would I?"

"I'm going to lock you in -- Oh." He stopped in the middle of his sentence. "Right, you're not even trying to avoid each other anymore, aren't you." Another few seconds of silence and stares. Until he finally noticed. "Wait. Oh my dear god, wait, if you're not running away anymore and you two are sitting here and -

Wait, did Changkyun fall out off the bed when I opened the door?!"

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kihyun and me hadn't talked about whether we wanted to hold our newly founded relationship secret for the time being, but whatever result our conversation may have had, there was no way it would've worked. While Wonho seemed to be in deep thought the whole way to the cafeteria and until we had finally reached our table, the second he saw Jooheon sitting there, all hell seemed to break loose. Literally.

While Jooheon had spent the last few evenings with Seoyeon somewhere in the city, probably because it was too awkward eating with six boys that were trying to ignore each other, today he seemed to be ready to face us. Maybe Seoyeon didn't have time, or maybe he felt bad and just wanted to make sure our friendship wouldn't break apart totally. Well, he wouldn't have to worry about that for now.

Hyungwon was sitting on the opposite side of the table, happily eating his noodles, Jooheon eyeing him with a suspicious glance. Probably he was looking too happy in his opinion, compared to the face he had made the last few days. Only when we reached the table and Jooheon looked up to see Wonho standing in front of him, it seemed to make sense to him.

He looked at Wonho for a second, his eyes widening, before he turned his head and looked at Hyungwon. "You ...?", he began, still hectically looking at one and then the other, "Wait. Hyungwon? Wonho? In the same room? What is happening?"

"Jooheon!", Wonho exclaimed, making Jooheon flinch, "Jooheon. They're a couple."

"Wait, what?", Jooheon asked. The poor boy. "What is going on? A couple? Who? You two?"

Wonho looked at Hyungwon with a quick glance, shaking his head. "No, I mean -"

"Yes", Hyungwon responded, slurping his noodles in a relaxed manner. "What are you saying? We're a couple."

"Guys!", Jooheon screamed, making everyone in the cafeteria look at us for a second before they concentrated on their own conversations again. "Wonho, stop. Hyungwon, what did you just say?"

 ** _They're a couple_** , Kihyun signed and Jooheon pressed his palms against his eyes, groaning in despair. "And now he's signing, goddammit, I don't understand a word of what anyone of you is trying to say!"

I had to laugh; Jooheon was still concentrated on Hyungwon who just continued to eat without any sign of hurry. He looked like he was about to become crazy. With another sigh, he finally turned to me, a pleading look in his eyes. "Changkyun, would you have enough pity for me to explain to me what the hell is going on?"

Wonho and me went to get food for everyone, and when we came back Kihyun was tapping against the surface of the table with his fingertips, eager to say something but unable to do so without me. Probably he had forgotten his phone in his room. When we finally sat down, placing a bowl of food in front of everybody, he quickly signed: **_Do you want to tell them?_**

I had already laid down my chopsticks in order to answer him without everyone becoming a witness of our conversation, when Wonho interrupted my intentions.

"They're a couple", he repeated his words and quickly added, before Jooheon would be able to scold him: "These two. Changkyun and Kihyun. We need a shipping name. Quickly. Text Seoyeon."

Jooheon's eyes grew wide. He turned around to look at us, his mouth open. "You ...?", he asked, pointing at Kihyun and then at me with a raised eyebrow. There was a second of silence until he exclaimed: "Knew it!"

"Wait, you knew it, too?", Wonho asked confused. "I thought I was the only one who noticed it."

"Me too", Hyungwon interrupted him. "I'm sorry", he said in our direction, "but you two were so obvious. I've already thought about betting on when you'd finally get together."

I could see Kihyun blush and felt my cheeks becoming hot, too. Keeping your feelings secret, yeah, sure, Changkyun. It had worked great. Probably Kihyun had interpreted my actions that were so obvious to others the same way I had interpreted his - with a lot of fear and unsureness.

"Okay, so you're a couple, finally", Jooheon sighed, laying a hand against his chest. "One less problem to worry about. And now on to you two - you talked to each other? Seriously?"

Wonho threw a glance at me. "Not really out of free will, though."

Hyungwon rolled his eyes. "You better thank Changkyun", he commented, "If it weren't for him, you would've ran away once more. If I didn't like you so much, I would slap you for your stupid stubbornness."

Wonho sighed, looking at me like he wanted to say something, but he was interrupted by Jooheon. Without any of us noticing, he had taken out his phone, dialed Seoyeon's number and was now excitedly talking to her.

"Baby, they're together!", he almost screamed, making Kihyun flinch. "Both of them! ... No, I don't know about Hyunhyuk or Minwoo or whatever, I mean Hyungwonho and ... wait a second."

He detached the phone from his ear, leaning closer towards us. Wonho was looking at him like he had just seen a monster. "Wha-- you already have shipping names for us?!"

"Sshh", Jooheon made Wonho stop talking and looked at Kihyun and me. "Changki or Kikyun?"

I didn't know where Minhyuk and Hyunwoo were this evening, but I somehow envied them; they didn't have to witness the drama or rather comedy taking place at our table. Every single attempt of mine to eat was interrupted by Jooheon saying something about Kihyun and me to Seoyeon onto the phone, or Wonho making a comment about us. I didn't know when exactly we had become the target of our friends' observations, but it made me switch from blushing to laughing and back.

Kihyun gently held my hand beneath the table, something the others thankfully didn't notice or else they would've probably fainted right then and there. He seemed glad not to be able to directly answer the questions Jooheon threw at him, and I responded with a smile and tried to transfer the topic to something else. While I was a bit embarrassed telling everything about my newly awakened love life, furiously blushing when Jooheon recounted the story of how I had picked Kihyun up at the fountain earlier today, Hyungwon seemed to have no problems narrating everything that had happened between him and Wonho in detail, until the latter finally managed to shut him up by stuffing food into his mouth.

Hyungwon seemed to be glad I had actually forced them to talk to each other, and by now I was sure Wonho wasn't the slightest bit as angry as he pretended to be. They couldn't really complain about it - we were sitting at a table together, eating and chatting, and had finally overcome the emotional barriers between us. Still, I had the impression they had helped me rather than the other way around. _One has to talk about their feelings._

But I only really noticed how different the things were in comparison to the last few miserable days, when Kihyun and me were already back in our room, the silence missing Jooheon's comments and Wonho's little shrieks unfamiliar in our ears. I had the feeling him and Seoyeon would be talking about us for the rest of the night. And although it was a bit creepy, I found it adorable. What Hyungwon and Wonho were up to - I didn't even want to know. And Minhyuk and Hyunwoo? I could just pray everything was okay for them, too; I had a good feeling, even though I hadn't seen either of them ever since I had talked to Minhyuk.

But the space in my mind and conscience seemed too little to spend any more thoughts about someone else than the boy I was sharing my room with. I had expected it to feel strange to live together like this as something more than friends, but only when he stood next to me in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and smiling at me through the mirror, my heart beating in my chest, I noticed this was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. Nothing was strange. This was exactly how it should be.

I lied down in my bed, looking at my phone to check if someone had texted me, but my notifications were as empty as my mind. I had expected Kihyun to get changed in the bathroom as he did everyday, and suddenly felt as if I was glued onto the blanket when he actually started to undress in front of the closet. All I could think about was the ways the moonlight had shone on his skin, and how beautiful he had looked and did now. He wasn't facing me, my glance gliding over the already healing wounds on his back, caught on the little scars on his hips before he put on his pajamas.

I swallowed, feeling bad for looking at him before noticing I was allowed to, now. He turned around, a soft smile on his lips, running his fingers through his hair before lowering his glance onto the floor. I tried to break the silence by asking: "Are your wounds already better?"

He nodded, fumbling with the hem of his tshirt like he always did when he was unsure what to say. He sat down on his bed, finally signing: **_Do you mind if I tell you about my scars another time?_**

I furrowed my eyebrows. "You don't have to tell me at all if you don't want to. It won't change the way I see you."

He looked as me as if he was trying not to cry. **_I want to_** , he signed, **_someday_**. His fingers were trembling just the slightest bit as he smiled, folding back his blanket to lie down. My lights were already turned off, and when he switched his own off, he was still looking at me, his head not yet lying on the pillow.

A few seconds passed in the dark, the light of the street lamps falling through the window only interrupted by the snowflakes passing by. In the moment I sat up to stand up and lie down in his bed instead of mine, he did the same, his body shifting and looking at me like he was waiting for me to say something.

"Come here", I whispered, noticing his little smile as he quickly stood up and instead lied down in my bed. I spread the blanket over him, turning around to face him. I hadn't even known how much I had missed his warmth in my bed until now. Cautiously, gently, as if he was afraid of the answer, he signed: **_How do you see me?_**

My voice was just a faint whisper in the air. "Through clear windows. And ... I love everything I see." I smiled. "You know, when you said I smelled like cinnamon I thought I would die. Has anyone ever told you you smell like fabric softener? I always asked myself if it was normal to notice something like this about a friend. I guess not."

He smiled, his hand coming up from beneath the blanket to run his fingers through my hair. Every contact between my skin and his made me lose my breath. "When we were in the hotel", I whispered, "I was afraid you'd notice how close I had come to you during the night." His fingers travelled down my neck. "Can we ... can we be so close tonight? Without feeling bad about it?"

He nodded, his fingers quickly leaving my skin to sign. **_How are your wounds? Your lips?_** Before I even had the chance to answer, his fingertips were already touching the corner of my mouth that had hurt a few days ago, the blood and scab already vanished, instead a new, unnoticeable layer of skin at their place. I wanted to answer, I really wanted; but every fiber of my body, from head to toe, was hurting in a delicate pain, aching to get closer to him.

He kissed me softly, his lips moving against mine ever so gently, my hand beneath the blanket on his back holding him close. I felt like I was about to shatter into a million sparkling pieces that would float in the air like confetti; everything was so new and still so familiar, his taste, the fabric of his shirt, the softness of his hair, the warmth of his breath.

"We should sleep", I whispered, smiling against his lips. He nodded. We should probably sleep. He looked at me.

I kissed him again. There was no way I could sleep with him looking at me like this. Somehow I got the impression I wouldn't be able to do anything with him looking at me like this. Like he always seemed to do. Even when he had already placed his head on my shoulder, one arm around my waist as if to hold me close for the rest of the night, I could only look at him in the dark and wonder how to survive.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

There are so many feelings in the world, so many emotions and moods. We as humans, as creatures who invented names for the little nerve impulses in our brain, think we can count them. We might want to make a list, write down sadness and anger and sorrow, and then happiness and joy and love. Until we notice there is no way to make a list, because the number of feelings a human can experience is endless. It's as infinite as the possibilities of futures ahead of us.

No one ever feels the same. No matter how well you might try to describe your feelings to someone, they will never be able to experience them just like you do. Some people might think it's a bad thing, a thing that makes us feel more alone, because there is no way you can describe your feelings to someone - there are endless nuances they depend on.

But for me, it was a reassuring thing. There were so many tastes I hadn't tasted, so many fragrances I hadn't smelt, so many things I hadn't seen and so many voices I hadn't heard. There were so many feelings I hadn't felt and that I had never even had the intention to feel. Maybe because I had never thought about them.

Kihyun made me want to feel things I'd never felt before. And while it was scary, I'll admit it, it scared me to my bone, every little thing he did to me he probably didn't even know about, it also made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt before.

There was this little pulling in my chest, like someone had wrapped a thread around my heart and was pulling on it when I woke up and noticed for the first time Kihyun hadn't stood up before me, but was instead still pressed to the side of my body like he had been searching for a source of warmth during the night; but I knew better. I looked at him, sleeping, and wondered how many things there were in life that we thought we couldn't live without just because we hadn't yet experienced a reality without them.

 

**_Flop._ **

I turned around, looking at Kihyun who was staring at the floor with a surprised expression on his face. In his hands, he was carrying several boxes of chocolate icecream, struggling to hold them all in place. One had fallen down at the attempt to tap me on the shoulder. I bent down and picked it up, placing it in the shopping basket and helping him to get the rest in there, too.

"Do you think we should buy cup ramen for Wonho?", I asked him as we were walking through the rows of shelves, throwing on or two things in the basket from time to time. "I don't think he's angry at me anymore, but I still feel like I should get him some."

Instead of an answer Kihyun took one of the cups out of the shelf and put it in the basket. I turned around and smiled at him. Him smiling back almost made me want to let everything I was holding in my hands fall down to reach for his face and kiss him. 23 hours, I thought, biting on my lip to suppress the urge. You thought you were screwed before. This is a whole new level of being screwed.

Not that I was counting the hours between our first kiss and now.

Even Kihyun's hand around mine when we left the convenience store to walk back to the dorms made we want to scream out the top of my lungs. Some incoherent words would surely pass my lips if I tried. On days like today Kihyun was certainly the more talkactive part in our conversations, doing his best to sign with one hand so he wouldn't have to let go of mine.

 ** _Did you hear something about them?_** , he asked, the context telling me it had to be about Hyunwoo and Minhyuk. We hadn't talked about the others specifially, but I guessed Kihyun knew what was going on between those two without me having to explain it to him. He had been the first one to notice the feelings between Seoyeon and Jooheon after all. No matter how many times Wonho would try to convince us he was the most observant and sensitive one for things like this, Kihyun would always stay number one, at least in my mind.

I tried to ignore the sad thought of him only having so much time to look after others because he didn't exactly speak much whenever we weren't alone; he thought it would be rude to constantly sign when only I would understand.

"Not really", I responded, letting the plastic bag swing back and forth next to my body. "I talked to Minhyuk yesterday and tried to convince him to say something to Hyunwoo. Since then, I haven't seen either of them. And I guess I won't until Monday."

Kihyun just nodded. Normally, the cafeteria was open on weekends, meaning we would meet up there even if we didn't have time to hang out the rest of the day because of our workloads. But this week, one of the cooks had caught a flue and the cafeteria had to close, which meant I'd probably get the earliest insight of what was going on on Monday at school. Kihyun and me had already agreed on studying today and tomorrow, and additionally, I had the feeling of having interfered with other people's relationships enough for now. They needed to figure the rest out by themselves - just as I needed to figure out how I would be able to concentrate on my notes as soon as we would be home, with Kihyun sitting next to me, chewing on his pencil.

It was almost a blessing when he left to look into the mail, leaving me alone for five minutes so I could finish my exercises. If he had been a distraction to daily chores before, now his sole presence made my heart race. I had thought actually being together with him would make some things a bit less confusing and exciting, but the opposite was the case - the thought of being able to kiss him made me bite on my lip until I tasted blood. _I'm way too eager and there are still 13 pages to memorize._

When he came back, accompanied by a cold wave of air from the hallway, he formed to Vs with his hands and let the middle finger of his right hand touch the index finger of his left two times. **_Aunt._**

I didn't know why, but the fact it wasn't a letter from his father made me relax a little. I had no idea about his parents, but considering he never opened his letters as soon as he received them and didn't want to talk about them either left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. His aunt instead, that I had already had the pleasure to meet, someone I knew cared a lot about Kihyun was a different story. It made me feel warm inside to see his smile as he opened her letter.

I wanted to continue studying while he was reading, but just couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His glance was gliding over the paper in his hands. I was tapping the end of my pencil against my knee, biting on my lip once more.

 ** _What is she saying?_** , I signed when he looked up, a smile decorating his face. He laid the letter down next to him. **_She wants us to come visit her for Christmas in a few weeks._**

"Us?", I asked out of surprise before my fingers could react. "Why ... me?"

Kihyun smiled, looking a bit embarrassed as he was tilting his head. **_She ... thought you were my boyfriend. And so I told her you weren't. Still, I couldn't keep my feelings secret so her new goal is to get us together._**

I laughed, almost letting my pencil fall on the floor. "I guess she'll be pretty surprised to see we're already a couple." The word still sounded strange on my tongue. Kihyun looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something else, and before I could prevent it I spilled out: "Actually, I almost kissed you when we were there."

At first there was no obvious change in his expression, but then, his eyes grew wide, his movements fast. **_What? When?_**

I awkwardly scratched my neck. Two weeks ago, I wouldn't have dared to even think about telling him this, yet now I felt like I needed to show him my feelings had been there for a long time. "When ... when we were sitting in front of the fireplace. You feel asleep and I ... well."

Kihyun's eyes were locked with mine, making it impossible to divert my glance onto anything else. When he finally raised his hands to say something, his movements were slow. **_I thought it was a dream_** , he signed, **_because I dreamt you almost kissed me. I was sure it was a dream._**

I felt a knot in chest. How things would've gone differently if he had opened his eyes or if I had crossed the distance between us; I could only wonder. There was no point in asking such questions, and there wasn't anything to regret as Kihyun was sitting in front of me in this very moment, but it still made me shiver.

"I still think all of this is a dream", I whispered and looked at him as he stood up, coming closer so I had to look up at him.

He was smiling. **_You know, I'd really like to kiss you right now, but I know you have to memorize 15 pages of Korean literature -_**

"Hey, hey, hey", I interrupted him, "13 pages, not 15. Also, I've passed the Chemistry test, and that's my worst subject, so there's nothing to worry about."

 ** _You passed Chemistry?_** , he asked, making me realize I hadn't even had the chance to tell him yet since I had only found out I hadn't failed right before our encounter with Doyoung. I couldn't help but smile when I saw the somewhat proud expression on his face. **_It may sound mean, but I'm actually glad you thought you'd fail at first. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten the chance to buy you chocolate icecream._**

"Me too", I responded, my voice quieter than I intended it to be. "That was ... actually the moment I fell in love with you. I think. Or at least noticed it."

Only after I had spoken these words I noticed their full meaning. Feeling myself blush furiously, I quickly turned around, trying to focus on my books. But Kihyun's hand reached out for mine and stopped me in my actions. He was smiling brightly, although there seemed to be something else in his glance.

He leaned down and I thought he would kiss me, but his lips met my cheek. Somehow, this touch made me more flustered than a kiss on the lips could've. I tried to turn around and continue studying as he backed off, but actually followed him with my glance. When he noticed I was still looking at him, he laughed, signing:

**_Actually I like you a lot more than chocolate icecream, Changkyun._ **

It was the first time he was using my sign for light while talking to me now that I understood it, and I forced myself to turn around, this time for sure. Air had apparently really been the most fitting sign for him, I remarked - I felt like I could drown in him without actually losing my breath.

\------------------------------------------------------------

The weekend passed faster than I would've liked for it to pass. While every second I had to sit at my desk, head buried in several books and folders, seemed to take an eternity to pass, every second of free time I was spending with Kihyun felt like someone had skipped an hour on the clock before I could even say a word.

And I said a lot. As shy as I had been on Friday and Saturday, the more comfortable I became on Sunday. Maybe it was because I woke up with Kihyun's face half hidden behind a pillow, the icy sunlight shining on his hair, his body cuddled up next to mine like he was hugging me in his sleep. I had to smile so hard I feared I wouldn't be able to ever change my facial expression again.

We spent the day in bed, switching between his and mine, actually trying to focus on our studies. I swear I tried to at least, although Kihyun was constantly distracting me, even though he wasn't moving anything else but his eyes, reading in his textbook. When he noticed I was staring at him rather than at my books, he jokingly hit my arm with his book, pressing a kiss on my head before I could react and laughing when he saw my red cheeks.

Finally, we gave up on just studying and made a deal to talk and cuddle ten minutes for every chapter we'd finish. Somehow, without either of us noticing, ten minutes always became fifteen and then twenty. We'd lie down next to each other and I would tell him a story, about anything, something about when I had been younger or something I had read or seen lately. When it was his turn to sign, we sat up, leaning against the wall with our knees touching, and he drew poetry into the air.

"When I was a child, there was this big playground on the other side of the street", I told him, gently running my fingers through his hair. His head was laying on my chest, his feet propped up on the wall. "And there was this big slide that was so incredibly high I never dared to set a foot on the ladder. I had a really bad fear of heights when I was younger, it's better by now but ... let's just say I don't like heights this much." I laughed, and Kihyun turned his head to smile at me, making me feel dizzy. "And basically, a week or so before the day it happened, my mom and me went shopping and I saw this chocolate icecream and I swear, I would've given anything to eat it. But my mom didn't buy it because she said it was unhealthy, and told me I should buy it with my pocket money if I really wanted it this badly."

His hair was like silk. "As a six or seven year old, you don't really get much money, especially since my mom didn't have a well-paid job. So I would have had to spent my allowance for three months for that icecream. I felt really bad about it, although I wanted it so badly. So I told myself I'd only buy it if I overcame my fear and climbed up the ladder of the slide. But the day I decided to do it, I woke up to a big construction side where the playground had once been."

Kihyun put on a sad face, making me laugh. "I warn you", I said grinning, "after this story you might want to reconsider talking to me." He quickly shook his head. I smiled.

"So, the playground was gone and I still wanted chocolate icecream. Because I was so frustrated I wouldn't get to buy it now that the slide wasn't there anymore - as a child I took promises very seriously and I had promised me to overcome my fear which meant I had to do it - so I needed to find another possibility." I had to laugh. "And well, what should I say, our apartment was in the first floor and we had a balcony ..."

Kihyun opened his mouth as if to say something, lifting his head off my chest and staring at me incredulously. His expression made me laugh even harder. "I was a dumb kid, okay?", I chuckled. "Basically I ended up with a sprained ankle and some wounds on my knees in the hospital. But hey, there was also a good part about it: My mom bought me chocolate icecream afterwards. Maybe she was afraid I'd jump off the roof the next time."

Kihyun had to smile, although he was trying so hard to look serious. **_Promise me_** , he signed, pouting, **_that you'll never ever again jump off a balcony for chocolate icecream. Just tell me and I'll get you some, okay?_**

He linked my pinky with his and tilted his head, looking at me through some strands of his bangs.

"Okay", I whispered, my voice trembling. "Promise."

We didn't really get much studying done that day, at least until Kihyun had to go to the city to buy some book for English class. I made use of the hour without him and finally managed to get some things memorized. When he came back, we ate kimbap while sitting on the floor and asking each other questions for the exams.

The whole day seemed like a dream that would've maybe ended with me falling asleep, but sadly it was interrupted sooner. I was packing my books into my bag, praying to some godly creature and my destiny to support me tomorrow and the rest of the week, when Kihyun laid his hands on my shoulders, his fingertips touching my collarbones. I shivered slightly, turning around to look at him.

He had furrowed his eyebrows, biting on his lip while thinking about something. Only when he moved his hands I got an insight to his thoughts. **_What are we going to do about it tomorrow? The boy in the bathroom?_**

It took me a second to notice he was talking about Doyoung as we didn't have a sign for his name and would hopefully never have. With all that had happened last week and especially the last few days, my brain had put Doyoung somewhere far, far away from my conscience. Maybe it had also been me who had actively put him back there, as to ignore the pain in my stomach that appeared whenever I thought about someone hurting Kihyun, and the desire, or more the urge to get my revenge someday.

I wanted to respond, but Kihyun continued signing before I was able to.

 ** _I don't care about the others_** , he said slowly. **_Not as much as about you. I just didn't want to let you know all this time what I wrote down back then because I was afraid, even though it were just a few sentences I needed to get out of my head. But I'd never allow you to be suspended just to make sure something like this stays secret. I don't care if everyone knows I'm in love with you._**

My heart seemed to stop for a second. I felt the blood rushing in my ears, my hands gripping the book on my lap firmer. "Kihyun, I swear, if you continue saying things like this, my life span will shorten to a few weeks -"

He laughed without sound. **_I'm just being honest. So ... what do you say? About just doing nothing about this and letting Doyoung have his victory if he needs to?_**

I thought about it for a second. "No", I then said, making him look up in surprise. I smiled. "I have a way better idea."

Sunday evening passed with a lot of cuddling and kdramas, and when Monday came, the world outside still a haze of snowflakes and sunshine that was melting them as if just to make space for new ones to fall onto earth, there were five things that burned themselves into my memory like hot pieces of metal.

The first one was the teddybear that was sitting on my desk when I came out of the bathroom in the morning. Kihyun had had to leave earlier for class than me, and although he had done his best not to wake me up, my hand had reached out for him as if it had its own will as soon as his warmth beside me had disappeared. Sleepily opening my eyes, my glance had met his, looking at me with a grin as if there were galaxies in my eyes. There wasn't anything else I could remember, as I'd fallen back asleep only seconds later, but the memory alone was motivation enough to get up half an hour later.

Although my general motivation for the day was pretty low - not to mention my excitement for the exam in the afternoon. But the little teddybear already took some of the weight of my shoulders. It was the one I had bought as a birthday present for Kihyun, and there was a little note attached to his head:

**_Have I even said thank you yet? Thank you Changkyunnie ~ good luck for the Korean test <3_ **

An hour later, the second memory, I was leaving the office of the principal just as the school bell rang. The sleeves of my shirt were still slightly damp as I had been sweating buckets and tried to dry my palms with the fabric; I had never before talked to the principal, and honestly I hadn't expected my first time to actually do so would be because of something like this. But there was no way I would allow Doyoung to just get away with everything he had done to Kihyun. They'd have to drag my cold corpse into the sea for that.

Just as I was getting my books out of my locker, an announcement could be heard, making everyone raise their heads in surprise. Not only Doyoung, but also Chul, Jaejin and Kiwoo were called to come to the principal; it was hard for me to suppress my smile as I put the books in my bag.

Kihyun was too kind for his own good. I would've liked to grant him his wish to just forget the whole thing, but I was sure Doyoung wouldn't forget it. And there was no way I would be able to continue living knowing that I had missed the chance to show him he wasn't the only one able to turn his threat into reality.

I still made me sad to even think about all the weeks Kihyun had probably spent his afternoons with Doyoung somewhere up against a wall - not just sad, but also incredibly angry -, just because he had been afraid Doyoung would spill out his secret of him liking me. It made me regret not having told him about my own emotions earlier, before everything had had the chance to turn into this drama. But I couldn't erase my past mistakes. As long as Kihyun said he was okay with everyone knowing about us, considering Doyoung surely wouldn't forget what he had threatened to do if I went to the principal, I was okay with it.

Still, I felt slightly anxious. From what the principal had told me, they would all surely get suspended, at the latest when he would interview Kihyun about it; but I feared Doyoung's reaction and if Kihyun would really be okay. When I had first met him, he had been incredibly shy, and had only opened up to me and the others after we had gotten to know each other better. However, he still wasn't someone who would like to draw attention.

Absorbed in my thoughts, I almost flinched when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around, relieved to see Jooheon and Hyunwoo behind me. While Jooheon looked like he had just seen a ghost, Hyunwoo was smiling, making a giant weight leave my chest. He looked a hundred times better than last week when he still hadn't been talking to Minhyuk ... well, I guessed he was talking to him again by now. But before I even got the chance to ask, Jooheon asked: "Did you hear that?"

"What?", I asked, although I could already imagine what he was talking about. He excitedly moves his hands in front of his body. "The announcement! Doyoung!"

"Oh, that", I responded, trying to hide a smile. I hadn't specifically talked to Kihyun about this, about whether it was okay to talk to the others about that or not. But even if I had wanted to say something, I was once again interrupted - this time by a certain blond haired boy running towards Hyunwoo who was calmly searching for something in his locker. He didn't saw it coming, and neither did we. With a few steps and in just a second, Minhyuk had already hugged him from behind, laying his head on Hyunwoo's shoulder and asking: "Can we eat lunch together today?"

I had to grin. "Okay, nevermind, no more reason to ask Hyunwoo how you're doing", I commented, making Minhyuk turn his head around. He only now seemed to notice Hyunwoo wasn't alone and immediately blushed a deep shade of red.

"They're worse than you and Kihyun", Jooheon added, "The whole day yesterday they were cuddling and I had to study. I was close to killing someone."

"Pah, you and Seoyeon are the worst", Minhyuk responded, transfering his glance onto me, a smile appearing on his lips. "Jooheon told me you and Kihyun are together now?"

Now it was my turn to blush. "Why are all of you even talking about us?"

Minhyuk sighed in relief. "Oh god, finally. I thought you'd never confess."

Hyunwoo was following our conversation with a grin on his lips, before he turned around, taking Minhyuk's hands off his waist. "Of course we can eat lunch together, but the cafeteria is closed." They went on talking about their plans for the lunch break. Jooheon's only reaction was his eye rolling towards the two of them, making me chuckle a little bit. I thought they were cute, especially after having avoided talking to each other it was nice seeing them together again.

When Hyunwoo interrupted their conversation to ask Jooheon something about a subject from last year, Minhyuk took the chance and leaned against the locker next to me. He was smiling, the dark circles beneath his eyes had vanished and he didn't seem to be so pale anymore.

"Thank you", he said, a bit more quiet so the others wouldn't hear him. "I mean, for all of your advice. Especially for what you said to me on Friday. It kind of helped me gain the courage I needed to finally talk to him."

I shook my head. "You don't have to thank me. Giving you advice was like talking to myself, in some way." It was the truth - I didn't know how things would've gone if I hadn't talked to Hyungwon and Minhyuk, but they surely wouldn't be the same right now. "I'm glad everything is okay again between you two. You don't have to tell me all the details, I bet Jooheon already asked you about them. He's a fanboy for the first hour, and then he gets annoyed by all that couple-stuff."

"It was rather Seoyeon who asked us", Minhyuk responded, his eyes focused on Hyunwoo. "Can you believe he called her as soon as we told him?"

I snorted. "Yeah. Somehow, I can believe that."

In the end, Minhyuk actually told me some of the details with a wide grin on his face, how he had finally gathered the courage to talk to Hyunwoo after he had kicked Jooheon out of their shared room and how he had confessed. Hyunwoo threw glances out of the corner of his eyes at him. Perhaps he could guess what Minhyuk was telling me so excitedly about.

We went our separate ways as classes were starting, and I had to face my Korean exam. I actually managed not to think about Kihyun for half an hour, what may or may not have been because of the way too many exercises we should complete in these thirty minutes, so there wasn't really any room to think at all. If anyone would've asked me before that day what the third memory would be, I'd have said my exam. But it wasn't - it all went rather smoothly until it was finished.

After that we had a small break of ten minutes, and while I was walking through the hallways, on my way to the bathroom, I suddenly heard a crack, like a technical difficulty that had something to do with the speakers on the walls. And I swear, I had no idea how he managed to get a hold of the microphone for the announcements that was somewhere in the secretaries' office, but I somehow knew it was him before he had even raised his voice.

" _Oh my dear students and teachers_ ", Doyoung's voice suddenly echoed in the hallways, everyone around me becoming quiet as to listen to what he was saying. Except I didn't need to listen; I knew exactly what he would say. And although I had known Doyoung would somehow make his threat a reality, a shiver ran down my spine. Somehow I wished Kihyun would've been next to me in this moment.

" _I bet all you know there is a very special student at our fantastic school, someone very special, so special he thinks he doesn't even have to talk to anyone ..._ "

I had the urge to murder Doyoung, to drown him in a sea or push him down a staircase, to just do something to make him shut up. The secretaries' office was on the second floor. I was on the first ---

" _But there is something even more special about this boy, Yoo Kihyun, one of the seniors, to be more exact ... that most of you might not even know._ "

I turned around and walked towards the staircase. Kihyun had said he didn't care if everyone knew and I believed him, yet I still just wanted to make Doyoung shut up. Preferably forever.

" _Oh, I can easily tell you what that special thing is ..._ " I could hear the grin in Doyoung's voice. " _Yoo Kihyun, ladies and gentleman, likes boys._ " He laughed, his voice echoeing everywhere. " _And even more importantly, he likes ..._ "

And then, just as I thought he would say my name, I heard another crack instead of his voice, and another, then scraps of voices, and then - silence. Apparently someone had stopped him.

I was standing on top of the stairs, looking at everyone around me who had started talking again after a second of shock, some of them laughing, some with wide eyes and the parts of sentences I could understand made my stomach turn around.

But then, all of a sudden, something else happened - and Doyoung's voice wasn't the third thing burned into my memory that day. I was a hand on my shoulder, a gentle pull that made me turn around, and then, so suddenly and unexpected I almost fell over, lips on mine.

The voices of everyone else fell silent as I stared at Kihyun who had his eyes closed and took a step back after a few seconds, leaving me standing in the middle of the hallway with blushed cheeks and breath caught in my throat.

There aren't many things you remember about a person's face if they aren't in front of you. When you try to recall their face in your mind without seeing them, it's hard to have a clear image. Still, I bet I'd be able to remember every single pore on Kihyun's face as he smiled.

I didn't know if everyone around us was just too shocked to say something, but they kept quiet until we were gone, disappearing in the first empty classroom we could find. Kihyun was still smiling, his hand in mine shivering a bit.

"Why did you do this?", I asked, out of breath from the running.

He signed his words with a lot of care. **_Because I don't need Doyoung to say it. I want you to know I'm proud to like you. However I managed to deserve you._**

The next time I saw Kihyun was actually in sign language class. Apparently the message of him kissing me in the hallways had already made it's way through the school, because everyone turned around to look at me when I entered the classroom. As long as no one way saying anything to Kihyun, I didn't care what they thought about us. I hadn't been able to think about anything else but him since the incident with Doyoung.

When school finally ended and we went home, I was nonetheless relieved to leave the masses of people and voices behind me. Maybe I had become so used to Kihyun's silence that everyone else seemed to be too loud.

I chatted a bit with Mrs Kim at the reception desk, asked her about her holidays and told her about my exams. She was young enough to still remember the stress of semester finals, other than some of our teachers who gave us extra homework when they knew we had tests. Her smile seemed apologetic, even more when she told my mom had called earlier today.

Actually I had wanted to call her since I'd told Kihyun the story about me, her and the chocolate icecream yesterday. But as always, there seemed to be something holding me back. Kihyun had noticed it, I could tell by the way he looked at me as Mrs Kim said this; but just as I didn't know what was going on with his parents, he didn't know anything about mine. Maybe it was just a topic too sensitive to talk about.

He went into the bathroom when I sat down on the bed to call her, as if he wanted to give me some space. I didn't know what to say to her, but the decision was made for me when she picked up.

"Changkyun", she said on the other end of the line. I couldn't help but notice how softly she was pronouncing my name; I had missed her voice, I had missed a lot of things about her.

"Hey, mom", I responded. There was a bit of silence, until she asked: "How are you?"

"I'm good." I didn't even think about my answer. I should've been able to tell my own mother something more than just 'good', but words with more significance had somehow gotten lost between us over the last few years. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." Somehow she reminded me so much of me. "Are you going to come home for Christmas?"

This question actually surprised me for a second. The last two years, we had just had that silent agreement that nobody would ask the other one about Christmas holidays. I wanted to feel good about her question, and I did, but it also made me anxious.

"I ... I don't know", I responded. My fingers were fumbling with the sheets on my bed. "I ... actually, Kihyun's aunt invited us to spend Christmas with her. I don't know yet." I swallowed down my fear. "Maybe I'm coming home."

"Kihyun?", she asked. There wasn't any change in her voice, but for me, it felt different. It was like the air around me got colder.

If I had been seven years old again, I would've maybe tried to overcome my fear by telling myself I'd eat an extra bowl of icecream if I managed to do so. But I wasn't seven, I was seventeen and not a child anymore. There was no reward for being honest, and there shouldn't be one.

"He's my boyfriend", I whispered into the phone, the words still unfamiliar on my tongue but so right.

Another silence. Fear started to rise in my body. It was the fifth memory I wouldn't forget of that day and it wasn't a pleasant one. When my mother started talking again, I almost felt as if there was pity in her voice.

"Oh, Changkyun, no ...", she responded, and I could hear her breath, "He's just going to hurt you ..."

"Mom, stop!" My voice was louder than I had intended it to be. "Stop it. Please. Not everyone is dad." I felt my body starting to shiver.

"Changkyun, don't you understand?", she asked, her voice becoming louder as well, "Everyone you love makes you vulnerable and that means they'll hurt you one way or another and I just -"

"Good night, mom." I ended the call.

When Kihyun came out of the bathroom, I was lying on my bed, staring at some invisible point on the ceiling. He lied down next to me, waiting for me to say something. And even though we never talked about it, I knew just too well he knew what I was feeling.

I ran my fingers through his hair. Maybe it would also become an obsession of mine to do this, just like his pajamas were. Did he know how soft his hair was? Maybe. I'd tell him someday. For now, I was too tired to do anything else than look at him.

There was still another memory of that day in my mind, the forth one somewhere between the third and fifth, and while I wasn't sure whether I would tell Kihyun about his hair and his pajamas someday, I knew that forth memory should stay a memory of mine. It was a short one, a small one, me opening my locker somewhere in between sixth and seventh period, only to notice a little piece of paper slipping out of it that someone had placed inside of there.

**_we're not done yet just wait_ **

_No_ , I thought, my fingers touching Kihyun's temple as he was looking at me, a silent promise of protecting him in my mind, _some memories shouldn't be shared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I hope you enjoyed it - I'm really interested in knowing what you think will happen next ^.^  
> Love,  
> Akiko


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter; I put a lot of work into it, it is currently 7am, and no, I haven't slept yet and I may or may not have cried while writing this. ~  
> Let's hope for the best <3

"Changkyun! My god, I was close to just forgetting everything I still had to study for and go and ask you about this yesterday! Finally!"

I furrowed my eyebrows, placing my tray on the surface of the table before slipping onto the chair next to Minhyuk. It was cold in the cafeteria, almost as cold as in the hallways. Last night, the temperature had dropped below zero degrees; even though I was wearing a sweater over the shirt of my school uniform, shivers were running through my body. Minhyuk was cuddled up next to Hyunwoo, his eyes closed as if he was sleeping.

"What?", I asked, starting to eat my yoghurt. I looked at Minhyuk from the corner of my eye. Hyunwoo was eating, and a smile appeared on his lips as he noticed my glance. He closed his eyes for a second, tilting his head as if he was falling asleep, and then pointed at Minhyuk. I chuckled. So he really was asleep.

I wasn't in a position to judge him. If I'd had someone to lean onto, I probably would've fallen asleep, too. Everyone of us had most likely spent half of the night studying or, as I had done, had stood up earlier to revise the last few chapters. Hyungwon and Wonho who were sitting next to Jooheon had buried their heads in their books while simutaneously eating, not even looking up when Jooheon answered: "You. Kihyun. Doyoung! Hell, the whole school knows about it."

I was missing Kihyun next to me, even though I was glad he was lucky enough to be able to sleep a bit longer. His first period started two hours later than mine because his teacher was ill, so I had tried to be especially silent when standing up, getting ready and re-reading my chapters. Even though I had already been late for breakfast, I had made sure to lay his scarf and one of my big sweaters as he didn't really possess any, next to his sleeping figure. I knew him enough to be sure he would go out without them and catch a cold if I didn't remind him.

He hadn't woken up, thankfully - not even as I had pulled the blanket up until right below his chin. I had sat there, looking at him without thinking anything. He made me do strange things; I could've watched him for hours, the soft raising and falling of his chest and the way his eyes seemed to twitch every once in a while. He was a picture too beautiful not to be looked at, and even though I tried not to be selfish, I had somehow wished he would be dreaming about me instead of anyone else.

I silently sighed, looking up through my eyelashes as Jooheon was leaning over the table to come closer to me. I had honestly contemplated if I should even go eat breakfast, because sitting next to Kihyun and watching him sleep seemed so much more interesting. But I wouldn't be able to function later without eating, which was the reason why I was now trapped with sleepy, studying or very curious boys in an ice cold cafeteria.

Jooheon was eyeing me like he was waiting for a response, so I answered: "I know. I've never cared about what anyone thinks of me. Especially not people who I'll never see again in a year. And if Kihyun doesn't care, why should it bother me?"

"He ..." Jooheon shook his head. "I have so much to ask. Let's start at the beginning, I mean, I didn't see it but everyone talks about it - did he really _kiss_ you in front of everybody?"

If Jooheon was phrasing it like that, it indeed made my heart beat faster and a light blush appear on my cheeks. "I ... I guess he did? Oh, believe me, I was also kind of surprised ..."

"But why? Doyoung was interrupted before he could even say your name." Jooheon seemed confused, and I couldn't say I didn't understand him. I had thought about all that had happened yesterday when I had been lying in bed after the phone call with my mother, my lips so close to Kihyun's neck I could feel the warmth radiating of his body. His fingers had been caressing my wrist, my arm wrapped around his waist, until he had fallen asleep. I felt like it had been a secret message that he understood whatever may have happened between my mother and me, and it made the feeling of loneliness in my heart vanish. With him, I never felt alone.

At first, I had thought that maybe he had done it because of Doyoung. That he wanted to show him he had no power over him; that he would rather reveal his secret himself than letting Doyoung say it out loud. Still, I believed this was a part of the reason why he had kissed me so publicly; but another part of me was sure, he had done this because of himself, whatever he had tried to prove or overcome. _I'm proud that I like you._ Would he ever know what he was doing to me by these words?

"Doyoung shouldn't have any more power over us", I responded, keen on not going into the topic too deeply. Just by saying his name I felt a wave of anger crashing over me; additionally, I felt like my interpretation of Kihyun's actions was something too private to voice.

Jooheon seemed to hesitate with his words, not sure what to answer. Before he was able to clear his mind, Hyungwon had raised his head from his book. "Doyoung? Okay, now I'm interested, too. You haven't told us yet what has happened between the three of you. I thought it was all of us against all of them?"

"I thought you were studying!", I scolded him and Wonho, who had copied his action of looking up and now also followed our conversation. I felt like I was being interviewed for a crime, although my guilty conscience was undeniable. That had been our motto for the last three years. When it had changed to Kihyun and me against all of them, I couldn't tell.

I shrugged. "They ... they somehow found out about Kihyun liking me and blackmailed him with that information, and when I finally intervened, they told me I shouldn't tell the principal or else they would share their knowledge." I didn't mention what exactly had happened between Kihyun and Doyoung. I wasn't sure if he would be comfortable with that, and besides, I was selfish - I didn't want to tell because I felt that if I remembered everything, I would rather throw up than be able to take an exam in half an hour. "Luckily, we confessed our feelings before Monday came ... and Kihyun said he was okay with the consequences, so I went to the principal."

"So it was you!", Jooheon exlaimed, slamming his fist on the table. I flinched, my spoon almost falling out of my hand. "I knew something was up when you weren't surprised at all after that announcement!"

Hyunwoo motioned him to be quiet, pointing at the still sleeping Minhyuk. He and Jooheon exchanged a few glances, as Hyungwon said: "If something else like that ever happens to you again, tell us, okay?" The expression in his eyes was soft. "We might not be superheros, to be perfectly honest, we're all pretty lame, but we're friends."

I smiled. Thinking about it, there was no clear reason why I hadn't told them in the first place. Because I had been worried about Kihyun, about everything happening between us, about my own feelings and Doyoung. And at the same time, I had felt like I needed to deal with everything of this myself, maybe because I had felt alone without Kihyun at my side.

But he also made me notice the self-centered parts in my personality, something that had awoken inside of me somewhere between then and now. I had wanted to be the only one to know about it because I had wanted to show him I was capable of protecting him. That I wasn't quite as dumb, naive and weak as you could've assumed. It was the same feeling I sensed in my chest when I looked at him sleeping; it was irritating and it somehow hurt, somewhere deep inside, somewhere humans would never lay their eyes onto.

I smiled at him and Wonho, almost forgetting my fatigue and fear of the upcoming exams. Hyungwon, who seemed kind of relieved, continued to concentrate on his studies, so I ate another spoonful of yoghurt and decided to think about the entries in my notebooks that I had memorized. At least until my mind once again focused on Kihyun. I almost didn't notice my thoughts were wandering until I felt the phone in the pocket of my trousers vibrate. As I looked into my messages, I couldn't help but smile brightly.

**_My home <3: < thank you <3 >_ **

Scientists have made studies with brain activity that show people make decisions unconsciously before even knowing their answer. Whether it depends on genetic structures or external influences, our decisions are somewhat determined by who we are without us actually playing an active part in it, whether we want to admit it or not.

Maybe it's also the same with things that are going to happen to us. Maybe we already feel they're going to occur, because sometimes our actions and our future seem to fit so perfectly. But at other times, nothing fits at all; there isn't even the slightest bit of a clue inside our minds. At least not in our conscience; perhaps they are stored somewhere deep, deep inside, and sometimes we are too afraid to dig for them.

I would try to understand myself if that was the case, although I struggle to believe I did feel something similiar to this. I know, or maybe I'd rather like to believe I had no clue. I can't imagine me not doing anything about it if I had yet known my future.

So maybe it's all wrong; maybe we make our decisions unconsciously, but everything else is just pure coincidence. Yes, that's rather what I'd like to believe. Thinking about being able to change something about the future might make you afraid, but thinking about having been able to change the past haunts you forever.

"Shouldn't you be studying instead of texting?", Jooheon asked with a grin, and I looked up, smiling, then shaking my head. He just chuckled, concentrating on his book again.

_Yes. That's rather what I'd like to believe._

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was younger, my mom tried her best to make me a nice Christmas. Admittingly, it wasn't always easy, her being the only one earning money while having to pay rent and other stuff I had no idea about as a kid, left us with little to no money for Christmas presents. As a child, presents are rather easy, because your parents seem, or really are happy about everything. You make something in school, with teachers helping you and making sure you're self-made card or letter isn't illegible. Only the older you get, the more you begin to struggle with Christmas presents, as you are expected to, or expect yourself to give something more than a piece of paper.

In contrast, it's the opposite for parents - the older you get, the easier it gets to buy presents, because you actually begin to wish for realistic things. It should be at least. And while I was very realistic with my presents as I got older, realistic in the meaning of wishing for nothing beneath the Christmas tree, it only got harder for my mom. She had to pay more money for my education, there were more things I needed for school and I grew out of all the clothes she had bought me.

But that wasn't the reason Christmas became worse with every year passing. Just a tiny little present for me had never been a problem. I had learnt early that money was a problem since my dad had gone away, even when I didn't yet know the reason for his absence. I was okay with it, and most of the years also managed to get something very cheap yet from heart for my mom.

No, the reason was the way we grew away from each other, we drifted apart, casually and slowly but unstoppably and undeniably. No later than when I went to the boarding school, everything kind of broke apart. Not wanting to be bombarded with her worries about me getting attached to people and getting hurt somewhere in time, and at the same time being afraid of becoming closer again, I had gotten used to spending the time around Christmas alone in the dorms, before the holidays accompanied by my friends, but during them accompanied by silence.

I wasn't used at all to someone actually being excited for Christmas and the weeks before the holiday. But Kihyun was that kind of person. And although unfamiliar to me, I loved everything about it.

The two last weeks of November, I noticed how he tried to hold back whenever someone mentioned the Christmas holidays. It had gotten colder, so unbelievably cold our breath formed little clouds in the air, but while I got used to that and everything connected to it, laying out sweaters for Kihyun, showering quickly so there would be hot water left, or constantly shivering, I didn't get used to anything involving Kihyun himself.

When he put on my sweaters, that were a bit too big on him as they weren't even my size and his shoulders were the tiniest bit smaller, my heart started to beat quicker in my chest. At night, we changed between his bed and mine, putting both of our blankets over our bodies so we wouldn't be cold, although I always felt like burning up when touching him. And I didn't even refer to kissing - whenever his lips met mine, which would be at the most random times, on the way to school or while putting on our uniforms, everything, every fiber of my body started to tingle; and even at times when I saw it coming or initiated it myself, it didn't fail to make me short of breath.

The intimacy between us felt so new and yet so familiar, that I couldn't wrap my head around it and gave up at some point. I was so happy it was there that I didn't dare to question it further; everything about Kihyun seemed to make me crazy, in a good way, in a way that made me want to embrace him and never let him go again, out of fear he wouldn't be in an arm's reach.

I didn't tell him, but most of the nights I tried to stay awake until he was sleeping, even though my eyes were threatening to close. I loved to look at him as his conscience was drifting into other spheres, when he was facing me or his head was buried in the crook of my neck. On other days, when his arms were wrapped around me, I waited until his breathing slowed down and I could feel his chest rising and sinking. It would be strange to describe it as pain, but somehow it started to hurt, in my wrists and ankles, a pulling on my bones like someone was trying to rip me apart.

November was packed with exams, from morning until afternoon, and although I was afraid I wouldn't have enough time to spend with Kihyun, we always found a way to stay close to each other. At some point during Physics and History I actually managed to concentrate on my studies rather than on him. Maybe because we had never talked for hours and hours, it was easier for us to enjoy each other's silence. I had never needed words to understand Kihyun.

We became used to eating in the cafeteria again, and on a Friday even Seoyeon managed to show up. Wonho actually succeeded in convincing us to go to the ramen place at least once a week because as a group and with contact to one of the waitresses we would get a small discount. No later than when I noticed Wonho looking at Hyungwon and nothing else while eating his noodles, I started to believe his main reason for that decision wasn't the food, but rather the opportunity of blatantly staring at Hyungwon slurping noodles.

Things seemed to have cleared up for them, same with Minhyuk and Hyunwoo. While most of the time I was too preoccupied with Kihyun to pay attention to anything else, I didn't fail to witness their displays of affection; while Seoyeon and Jooheon were making fun of each other, Wonho and Hyunwon were clinging onto each other or Minhyuk and Hyunwoo were actually keeping up conversations with warm glances, everyone seemed to have their own way of being close to each other. And while the weather became colder, I started to feel warm inside.

In this mess of exams and ramen noddles, Kihyun was actually able to keep his Christmas spririt secret until the first of December. His aunt's offer of spending the holidays at her place was still floating through my conscience, but wasn't something I actually spend more than a thought every once in a while on, so Christmas hadn't been on my radar at all - at least until I came home from school to become a witness of Kihyun decorating our room.

Even though so much had changed between us since the day we had met a few months ago, nobody would have been able to guess by looking at our room. Kihyun's desk was still loaded with books and my side of the closet a mess because of my unability to fold shirts - although I had to admit it wasn't as bad anymore, because Kihyun took care of our laundry. Our beds were still on the opposite sides of the room, although I didn't want to deny the fact we never slept seperately, and everything else seemed to be in place, too. I had never seen this room any differently, and so my eyes widened as I closed the door behind me.

Kihyun turned around to wave happily at me; he was tip-toeing on his chair in front of the window, the long sleeves of his red sweater rolled up to his elbows so he could easily hold onto the chain of lights he was trying to wrap around the curtain rail. Moving like that almost made him lose his balance, his figure leaning to one side, and as I was kicking off my shoes I quickly made a few steps forward, reaching out for his legs to hold him in place.

"Hey", I responded, a smile on my lips. "What are you doing? You need to be more careful, I don't want you to fall down."

He mirrored my expression, pointing at the chain of lights and then at the power strip, signaling me to turn it on. A bit reluctant, I let go after making sure he wouldn't fall down, and a moment later soft, bright light was illuminating our room. Outside, it was gradually becoming darker, the grey sky turning black. With only the lamps on our desks turned on, the chain made the edges of sight smoother. 

"Beautiful", I commented, my glance following the string of little lights over the wall and curtains to the other side of the room. I really meant it, even though I didn't specify what I was talking about as I turned around to look at Kihyun once more. "Where do you have these from?"

**_My aunt sent them by mail_** , he signed, smiling as brightly as the lights, before holding up his hand as to tell me to wait. He walked to our desks, reaching for something beneath them until I could see the other two chains he had put up, one on our closet and another one with red light above the door to the bathroom. A bit shyly, he turned around and tilted his head. **_I hope you like them._**

"Of course", I responded, adding: "I didn't know you liked Christmas this much. It's adorable."

He seemed to blush slightly, or maybe it was the red light shining on his face. **_I like the atmosphere. The movies. The decoration._** His hands stopped in the air for a moment, as he was looking at me. **_And the lights. Although I've already found mine._**

I was short of breath at his words, not holding back but instead taking a step forward to pull him into my arms. He wrapped his around my waist, the fabric of his sweater soft on my skin as I was burying my face in the crook of his neck. He smelled like home and warmth. "Do you have an exam tomorrow?", I asked, feeling his hair against my neck as he shook his head. "So ... what about watching a movie later?"

He backed away slightly so our faces were close to each other, a smile appearing on his lips. Having him so close to me made my heart race in every possible way, and it made me want to kiss him until I couldn't remember my own name anymore. I was leaning in, his breath on my skin; but he just pressed a kiss onto the corner of my lips, laying his fingers around my wrist to drag me a few steps to the left, until we were standing in the doorway between bedroom and bathroom. I furrowed my eyebrows, a bit confused, until he raised his head to look at the ceiling, and I followed his action.

There was a little silver mistletoe attached to the doorframe, right above our heads. Kihyun looked at me again, and I grinned, my heart aching to jump out of my chest. My legs on which I was insecurely standing were feeling almost as soft as his lips as he kissed me.

I bought another chain of lights from the money I had saved since our trip to Seoul, and even though it was just a little one, his smile was worth my world when we put it up on the headboard of his bed. We cuddled and watched movies whenever there was time for it, and Kihyun showed me all of his favorite ones because I had no idea about them. It may have seemed strange to eat icecream while watching them, but for us, it was a piece of normality.

I didn't know if it was because his aunt had been wanting us to get together since the beginning of time or just because she had spare mistletoes to send to Kihyun, but a week after our first kiss under one of them I came home to see Kihyun standing proudly on his chair again, struggling to reach the ceiling to attach yet another one of them on there, even though there was one over his and my bed and another one in front of the closet. I wasn't sure whether I should laugh or cry, but my decision was made by him almost falling down the chair once more, making me run to catch him halfway.

**_I think they are cute_** , he signed, and I felt like melting. Taking the mistletoe out of his hands, I held it up so it was right above us. "I like it that you're giving me yet another reason to kiss you", I responded and chuckled. "Tell me when you put them up so I can help you. I'd rather have them fall down than you, okay?"

I would've liked for Kihyun to only receive mail by his aunt, especially if it meant more mistletoes; even though we didn't really care whether there was one above us or not at certain moments. However, her letters weren't the only ones he received.

In the middle of December, I came home to him sitting on his bed, staring at a letter in his hands with an expression that made me guess the sender before even throwing a glance onto the envelope. At first, he didn't even notice I had entered the room. He was running his fingers through his hair, staring at the piece of paper in his hands as if it would burn by solely looking at it. Feeling like I had interrupted something not meant to be seen by my eyes, I closed the door behind me, making him look up.

Thankfully, a smile appeared on his face that reassured me. He waved at me, leaving the letter on his blanket to stand up and look at my from the cold flushed cheeks. **_You should take a hot shower_** , he signed, **_I don't want you to get sick._**

His display of affection towards me already made me forget the letter, until I saw him slipping it into one of his books as I was taking my jacket off. While one part of me wished for him to tell me, about everything laying on his chest, another part understood him. Sometimes, talking about things bothering you just made it worse, and while I had promised myself to tell him about the relationship between my mother and me some day, the sole thought of doing so left a bitter taste on my tongue. Talking about it would mean thinking about it, and thinking about it would mean going back to the days my world had still revolved around a problem I had learnt to ignore through time.

Instead, I tried my best to comfort him just like he had done after the call with my mom. Her words were still floating through my conscience as I held him close beneath the blankets. She had loved my dad, but I didn't think she had understood what love meant. I couldn't say I did; Kihyun was the first towards I had ever felt like this, but her words made no sense to me.

And so I tried to forget about them as well as his father's letters, because ignoring was my way of resolving problems and Kihyun my best distraction.

"What are you going to do over Christmas?", Hyungwon asked us one afternoon, a few days after. We were spread across his, Wonho's and Minhyuk's room; me next to Jooheon on Hyungwon's bed who was leaning his head against Wonho's shoulder, Kihyun somewhere in front of the bed on the carpet. It was strange spending our free time that was slowly but steadily increasing inside the dorms, but it had just gotten too cold to sit next to the fountain outside.

Minhyuk, who had been typing something into his phone while sitting cross-legged next to Hyunwoo on his bed, looked up. I could see the shadow on his eyes; probably he had tried to avoid thinking about another confrontation with his parents. So he just shrugged, looking at Hyunwoo as if he was waiting for a reaction from him. Hyunwoo was already staring at him, making me guess Minhyuk had told him about all his problems with his parents.

"I'll be at home", he announced, his glance on Minhyuk still unsure. Then, he added: "Maybe Minhyuk's going to come with me, too."

Minhyuk's wide eyes following this statement made me smile. Apparently they really hadn't talked about this yet. "Why, aren't you going home?", Wonho asked confused in Minhyuk's direction. Before the latter could answer, Hyunwoo did. "I want him to meet my parents."

Except for him, I was the only one truly knowing about Minhyuk's struggles, and I'd never dare to voice them without his permission, so instead I tried to transfer the topic to the others to give him space. "What about you?", I asked Hyungwon, stretching my legs out that were aching because of the way I had been sitting for half an hour.

"Home", he answered, sighing a bit. "I still have to buy presents. And god, if someone is bad at buying presents, it's me. A hundred percent."

Oh, presents. An infinite struggle. My glance transfered to Kihyun in front of me, staring at his neck. Before I could think about it further, Jooheon had turned around to me. "You?", he asked, a spark of interest in his eyes. He knew I had spent the last three years alone at the dorms, and he seemed hopeful I wouldn't have to go through that again, considering Kihyun had stayed with me during the autumn holidays.

And I could reassure him. "We're visiting Kihyun's aunt for a few days", I responded, as Kihyun turned around to smile at me. We had talked about it just yesterday, when Kihyun had answered his aunt's request. **_You're coming with me_** , he had signed, and somehow I had gotten the impression it had been more of a statement than a question. His glance had been filled with worry, and I had smiled softly, nodding. His aunt was a sweetheart, and whether it was by being at home with my mom or alone in the dorms, I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him for days. Somewhere in time, the dorms had become my home rather than my mom's little apartment, and it had taken me a while to understand a home was more determined by people than walls and furniture.

It wasn't only Jooheon that seemed relieved to hear that; even Hyungwon and Wonho smiled at me, before the latter complained about how hungry he was and that we should go eat ramen. His request was followed by a whole lot of annoyed signs, coming mostly from Minhyuk and me. Hyunwoo was watching something on his phone, Hyungwon was too in love to scold him, Kihyun just shook his head, and Jooheon would never say anything against a possibility of seeing Seoyeon at work, not matter how cold it was. I held Kihyun's hand in the pocket of my jacket as we walked there; his fingers were always cold when we were outside.

That evening, I asked him questions out of his textbook for economy class. He was leaning his back against the wall, his knees touching mine, as he was typing his answers into his phone to send them to me. I was so concentrated on how the light of the display illuminated his facial features that he had to tap me on my knee every time I forgot to check his texts.

I thought the time until Christmas would pass smoothly, even though we were still a bit stressed. But he first time I noticed something odd was the following day, to be more exact a Friday, when Kihyun came home after school. The whole morning, he had been nervous in fear of failing, although I had tried my best to reassure him he had studied enough and knew everything perfectly well. So when he returned with furrowed eyebrows, my first thought was that he had indeed failed the test. My heart dropped a little.

"Hey, are you okay?", I asked worried, unwrapping the scarf around his neck as he looked up at me. I had made sure he would put it on before going outside and was glad he had remembered when leaving school. "You look sad."

He hesitated. **_The test went well_** , he then signed, taking his jacket off. **_It's just ... I left my essay and the book I bought in the classroom during lunch break, and when I came back, they were gone._** He closed his eyes for a second, as if thinking about it. **_It's no problem. It wasn't expensive. And the essay, I can write it again until tomorrow._**

I wanted to help him, but I had no idea about the poem he had to analyze and Korean wasn't even my best subject, so I could only watch him as he sat down at his desk after showering, his pen drawing words on the paper. My thoughts were rather occupied with darker topics, concerning people I didn't want to think about. I had to be honest about it: Probably his things weren't just gone because someone had mistaken them for theirs. It was either Doyoung, who was suspended, or someone else who had developed a sudden dislike against Kihyun.

I didn't know what was worse, to be completely honest. The whole weekend, and even on Monday I couldn't stop thinking about it, watching Kihyun as he walked away after having said goodbye at the school entrance, observing the way others reacted to him. If Doyoung's announcement and Kihyun's action that had followed had really made their way around school, it didn't seem to be such a big deal anymore. No one even talked about him behind his back, not that I would've noticed, and even Mrs Lee convinced me it was rather unlikely someone else was responsible.

"Is everything going well, Changkyun?", she asked on Monday after sign language class. Kihyun was absent that day because he had to be graded in sports class. Even though Mrs Lee's lectures were a lot more interesting without having Doyoung a few meters beside me, Kihyun missing had dimmed my mood just the slightest. I looked up from my bag, noticing everyone else had already left.

"Y-yes", I responded, slightly confused until she explained: "Well, I'm not trying to ask you about anything too personal, I just heard some students talking about you and Kihyun. Nothing bad though, don't be worried."

"Oh." I closed my bag and stood up. "Yeah, I think everyone knows about it by now. But everything is okay. Thank you for asking." I smiled.

She mirrored my expression. "I'm just guessing but ... you asked me about these signs because of him, didn't you?"

I slightly blushed. Considering she knew about us, it was only logical she tied the strings together and came to the conclusion my question of the sign for falling in love and light had had something to do with Kihyun and my feelings towards him. I quickly nodded. "I thought", I began to explain, "It would be more personal to tell him in his language."

Her smile grew even wider. "That's a very beautiful thought, Changkyun."

I put on my jacket and wrapped my scarf around my neck to protect myself from the cold, before I walked up to her desk. She seemed to be thinking about something. "I'm glad I could help you with this. If it was the only thing I've managed to resolve as a teacher, it would be enough."

"You're talking about it as if you're thinking about quitting", I responded, and she shrugged. "You never know. I'm actually thinking about starting a family with my husband, but life works in strange ways. We'll see." She smiled. "Tell Kihyun my greetings, okay?"

I did, this evening when he came back from sports class, sweating and freezing. I shooed him into the bathroom, trying not to spend to much time staring at the adorable blush on his nose and cheeks.

Kihyun didn't speak about this incident again, but I got the impression it was constantly on his mind. Maybe he had also come to the conclusion it had something to do with Doyoung, and observing him so closely, I soon noticed a familiar trait in his actions. His behaviour reminded me of the way he had behaved in Seoul during the autumn holidays, when he had often turned around while walking and seemed nervous. It didn't make sense to me, as Doyoung could've never followed us to Seoul, but maybe it were indeed two different behaviours I just falsely mixed into one.

Still, there was something about it that unsettled me; a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't name. It was only the last week before the holidays that the mess of letters in my mind cleared up and made me recognize what I was actually feeling.

At first I had thought his somehow sad mood was because of the new letter he had received, and although I didn't look at it I guessed it was from his father; only later at night, when we were laying next to each other, I got an insight to his thoughts and what was really bothering him.

**_My book is gone again_** , he signed, hesitating a bit as if he was afraid of my answer. **_I didn't even leave it in the classroom. It was in my locker._**

I didn't know what to respond in the first moment. I had already guessed something like this had happened again, but the reality and confirmation made anger and frustration well up in me. "He is suspended", I whispered. "He shouldn't even be allowed in the school for the next two months."

Kihyun just shrugged, and suddenly I knew what I felt - I felt so powerless. Looking at the sad expression on his face, I felt more powerless than ever before. Quickly, I pulled him closer to me, our foreheads touching. His body was warm, but his fingers felt cold.

"I won't let him hurt you anymore, okay?" Beneath the blanket I linked my pinky with his. "Promise."

When I had been seven years old, promises had been something very serious to me. Breaking them would've felt like going against the law, like doing something that was forbidden, a crime, something making me a traitor. Growing older, I had decided not to make my will to live depend on whether I could fulfill them or not anymore. It were just words, letters and syllables in the air, noise produced by our vocal chords. But Kihyun turned back time for me; this was a promise. This was more than just words.

The next few days, I actually managed to forget or rather ignore the whole problem. Kihyun seemed to be happier than before, maybe because I tried to distract him by watching a lot of movies and dramas; exams were slowly coming to an end, and we spent more time in the cafeteria or with the other's in their rooms. Two days before the beginning of the holidays, I was finally done with all my school work and could concentrate on presents and packing our bags for the few days we would spend at Kihyun's aunt's house.

I was horrible at packing, almost as horrible as I was at folding clothes, but unfortunately I had decided to take the matter into my hands as Kihyun wasn't home yet. Stuffing our clothes into the bags, I once again noticed he possessed little to no clothes that would hold him warm, and although I loved to see him wearing my sweaters I made a mental note to look out for them, too, as I was planning to go shopping later in hopes to find a Christmas present for him. Actually, I had also seen something I was sure he'd like last week on the way to the restaurant.

I thought about the teddy bear I had bought for him for his birthday and smiled. Although some people might think of it as a silly gift, he really treated the little plushie dearly. It had somehow become a good luck charm for him, I had remarked over the last few weeks; sometimes I would notice him carrying it around in his bag when he had to take exams. Also today the spot on his desk that was usually reserved for my gift was empty. While I was already done, he still had one exam left. I interally prayed for it to go well. We had almost surived the stressful weeks and I was looking forward to a few nice days with him and his aunt. Even my mom hadn't made a big fuss about it when I had texted her, like she had known what would follow after our conversation. I tried my best not to feel guilty about it.

Sadly, the calm didn't hold up very long. I should've known better after a week of no incidents had passed, but I didn't think of it as I placed the bag on the floor, put on my jacket and shoes and opened the door to check off the last point on my to-do list for today. My mind occupied with thoughts about Christmas gifts, I got startled when my feet met an object on the floor, making me look down.

At first I didn't really recognize what it was. I hadn't expected something laying in front of our door, and it took me a few seconds to actually clear my mind. When I did, my mouth suddenly was very dry. I felt like I needed to drink water, but my aching stomach told me otherwise.

My phone vibrating pulled me back into reality. Swallowing my uncomfortableness down, I managed to get it out of the pocket of my trousers without dropping it onto the floor. It was Kihyun who had texted me, and while it normally brought a smile onto my face, this time, it made the corners of my mouth hurt.

**_My home <3: < Hey, I'm going to come home a bit later ~ don't worry! I've just forgotten the teddy bear in the classroom, I'm going to look for it quickly ^.^ >_ **

I didn't know what to respond. After staring at the display for a few moments, I locked the screen again and put it back in my pocket. There was no way Kihyun would find his teddy bear in his classroom. Maybe he could already guess what had happened, maybe he didn't or maybe he just didn't want me to worry about it until he knew for sure because I was the one who had given it to him.

But I didn't care about that damn teddy bear, although I had to admit the way its fabric was cut open at random places, the stuffing being able to be seen, the way it was laying in front of my feet, made me want to go back into the room and hide under a blanket. No, I cared for Kihyun. But this was his and this was about him and I knew it all to well.

The only thing I could think about was how I didn't want him to see this; so I quickly picked the destroyed teddy bear up and hid it in the pocket of my jacket, holding onto it like I would be able to mend it by solely touching it. I stood in the hallway, unsure what to do or think at the time being. I tried not to focus on anything else but Kihyun, and so it only took me a few seconds to get going.

Mrs Kim wasn't at her desk; probably she was already on vacation. Outside, it was already dark, the sky full of clouds, soft flakes of snow falling down on earth, melting as soon as they made contact with my skin. While normally nobody would leave their house in this weather, Christmas made people do abnormal things. The streets were full of couples, teenagers or older people looking at the store windows displaying holiday-themed decoration and clothes. From all around me, I could hear chattering, but I felt alone in the crowd.

It only took a bit of the weight of my chest when I reached my destination and noticed one of the teddy bears still sitting at it's place behind the display window. I had saved up money from the allowance my mom send me every few weeks to buy Kihyun's present, but my budget shrinked after I bought the same teddy bear for the second time.

I wanted to get home as soon as possible, preferably before Kihyun, but as I wouldn't have another chance to buy him a present, I ran towards the shop I had noticed my object of desire at a few days ago, my breath forming clouds in the air. Thankfully, the money left was enough to also get something small for his aunt; but the suffocating feeling in my chest just didn't subside. It was anger, it was fear and something very subtle between these two. I ran all the way home, my legs and lungs aching from the cold.

Actually, I managed to reach the dorms before Kihyun did. I guessed he had searched for the bear for a long time. I had only taken off my shoes, put the presents in the closet and sat down on my bed when the door opened and Kihyun entered the room, a troubled expression on his face. It made my heart hurt, so I quickly said: "Hey. Your teddy bear was in front of the door." I pointed at the new bear next to me on the blanket, swallowing down my guilty conscience. "Maybe one of the others found it and placed it there." I tried to smile, but Kihyun was too distracted by the sight of the teddy bear to notice my struggles. The bright smile on his face told me I had made the right decision.

**_I was so afraid he was gone_** , he sighed after he had placed it on his desk. **_Why are you wearing a jacket? Were you outside?_**

I attempted to smile again. This time, it seemed to work better. I didn't trust my voice. **_Yes_** , I therefore signed. **_I bought a present for your aunt._**

This wasn't protecting him - this was trying to ignore the problems by making it seem like they had never happened. It was my way of dealing with them. I had promised to protect him. I just didn't know how.

\----------------------------------------------------

My hands were shivering as I pulled the jacket closer around my body, trying to shield myself from the cold even though it was only early afternoon. My destiny seemed to be with me these days, at least considering school had ended earlier for me today than for Kihyun once again. I wouldn't have felt comfortable lying to him about something like this, even though I didn't want him to know at the same time. He would just be worried. He had already had to deal with too much of this.

In freshman or sophomore year, when Jooheon, Hyungwon, Wonho and me had more frequently had confrontations with Doyoung and his friends, we had somehow found out the address of his home one day as we had been trying to do something dumb I didn't remember clearly. Back then, I hadn't known how much of a relentless idiot Doyoung would become during the following years, and I would've certainly never guessed I'd stand in front of his door out of free will ever again. But life goes strange ways.

It was a simple house in a row of houses in a street I wouldn't have believed someone like Doyoung could live in. I had already guessed his parents would still be at work, and indeed it was him who opened the door. While I had spent the last night lying awake and trying to think of what to say to him when I would finally have the chance to, my mind now seemed to be empty. I knew why I was here, because he had gone too far and I needed to do something before this would get even farther out of hand; but at the same time, I was incredibly afraid.

The familiar wave of anger crushed over me as soon as his face appeared between door and doorframe. He squinted his eyes together as he saw me, a groan leaving his lips.

"Get off my ground or I'll make sure you won't walk ever again", he threatened, and I clenched my hands to fists. "Stop with that shit, Doyoung", I spit out, "Or else you'll get suspended for more then two months and then you can redo the year without graduation."

"Oh, if I were you, Changkyun, I wouldn't open my mouth so wide", he responded. "Just because everyone suddenly seems to be so tolerant towards you digusting gay freaks doesn't mean we're done."

"You can call me what you want." My palms were starting to hurt. "I don't care. But leave Kihyun out of this. If you want to beat someone up, don't be a coward. You're so childish, I can't even believe you're doing this."

"And I can't even believe you did just come here to tell me this." A bitter laugh left his lips. "I don't give a fuck about that disabled idiot. He's just a toy, okay? I can't even believe you're trying to communicate with him."

I bit so hard on my tongue I flinched. I wanted to hurt him so bad, hearing him calling Kihyun these names, that it was hard to hold back. I tried not to think about everything he had done to Kihyun - I couldn't risk getting suspended for hitting him when it was him that should be punished. "If you don't care, then just leave him alone! Why are you doing this then?!"

He snorted. "Because it's fun. Life is all about having fun, am I right? Solely the fact he has to send you here shows me how childish he is, so don't even dare call me that!" His voice had gradually gotten louder, and so I raised mine, too:

"He didn't send me! And the only one that's being childish is you!", I yelled back. "Or do you think destroying teddy bears is something grown-ups do? Do you think it's cool? Because it's not. It's freaking pathetic!"

A little laugh was his only non-verbal response. He didn't even change his facial expression. "I have no idea what you're talking about", he hissed, "but I'd advise you not to intervene with my business any further."

"Just pretend you have no idea." I was so close to just taking a few steps forward and punching him until he wouldn't be able to say another word. "You're the one that's suspended. If you ever dare do something like that again, I'll also just pretend you've done some things. Who do you think the principal will believe?" I pressed my lips together. "Leave us alone."

My voice was trembling so much I turned around and walked away before he would be able to respond anything else. I heard the door closing shut behind me just after a few steps, and looked over my shoulder in fear he would follow me, but the street was empty.

Maybe all of this had been ridiculous; it wasn't like my words would change his personality or behaviour. But I had just felt the need to do something after what had happened yesterday, even though I wasn't sure I would ever lie to the principal and accuse him of something he hadn't done. It had been a somewhat meaningless threat, but compared with his actions it seemed much more reasonable.

How did he even dare deny what he had done? It would be way too humane for him to actually realize it was childish and ridiculous afterwards. Doyoung was an asshole, and while I was relieved I had managed to even get a word out of my mouth standing in front of him, I also felt the fear creeping up my spine.

Hyungwon had told me I should tell him if something with Doyoung ever happened again. But was it my right to burden him or the others with this? To be honest I didn't even feel like it was rightful to bother Kihyun with it; which was also the reason why I had held that secret from him. I wasn't like anyone could even do something about it. They were all as helpless as I was, and I could just hope Doyoung wouldn't just forget what I had said and continue his behaviour like this after the holidays. Hadn't he learnt a thing?

When Kihyun returned some time after, helping me finish the packing and jokingly scolding me for being unable to fold my shirts, I tried to tell myself we would have a break from all of this, at least for a few days. I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid it forever, especially when Doyoung would come back from the suspension in a few weeks; but Kihyun's smile made it a lot easier to calm down.

I had thought about telling him, even yesterday after the incident with his teddy bear, but I just couldn't bring myself to voice the truth. He had had to suffer so much with Doyoung before I had found out about everything, and it had for one part been only my fault - if I had confessed sooner, nothing of this would've ever happened.

It was my duty to keep him safe, even though I had only limited possibilities. But I told myself I would figure something out over the holidays. Whatever that might be in the end.

We took the evening bus to Seoul; at least after having made sure approximately a hundred times all of the chains of light were turned off. So much had changed between our last ride and this one, when I still hadn't dared to be as close to him as I was now. Instead of leaning his head against the window, he leaned against my shoulder, his hair tingling on my cheek. Others might find it strange that we were texting while sitting right next to each other, but for us it had become an easy way of communication, when we didn't want to sign but still hold a conversation in which I wouldn't be the only one talking.

I had become so used to Kihyun's style of texting that even his most-used emojis and abbrevations were reassuring me in a way that made my quickly beating heart slow down. I stared at the seat in front of me, asking myself how much I could possibly learn about someone in such a short yet long amount of time.

Although his aunt's house was so big, a comfortable warmth enveloped us as we entered after an hour of bus ride; her arms were wrapped quicker around me than I could even voice a greeting. Then, she embraced Kihyun, and then both of us at the same time. We had to laugh - even though she was so young, she kind of fit my image of a loving grandmother I had never had.

"Kihyun!", she explaimed, putting her hands on her hips and sighing. "Why didn't you confess earlier? You know how physically exhausting it was for me to live with this insecurity for all these weeks until you finally responded?"

Kihyun laughed, as I shyly added: "Uh, actually, he confessed before me. I just didn't ... understand."

I could almost see where Kihyun's obsession with Christmas decoration came from - the whole house was practically overflowing with lights, little Santa's and tiny boxes wrapped in present paper so they looked like miniature gifts. In the kitchen, everything smelled like cinnamon, butter and other spices reminding me of home. I had to smile when she proudly presented us all the cookies and biscuits she had made, insisting on making us a big bowl of hot chocolate to go with it.

It felt warm and soft to spend my time like this - although I hadn't known her for long, I had grown close to her and seeing Kihyun's face light up whenever she asked him something made it impossible for me not to like her. There was something easygoing and good-natured about her, in the way she so carefully but easily chose her words; I guessed Kihyun would do the same if he spoke.

I looked at him as he tried to explain her he didn't fail his tests, although she of course knew her nephew was way too smart to fail. When she asked me though, I had to admit I wasn't too sure about some subjects. Kihyun pouted; he obviously didn't believe me.

"So, what do you want to do tomorrow?", she asked, propping her chin on the palm of her hand. We had eaten so many biscuits I felt fuller than ever before. "I'm not religious so I'm not going to the church. I've bought some food to make us a great Christmas meal. You could help me a bit, we could watch a movie or two", she threw a glance at Kihyun, "or maybe also three, eat some more and just have a nice day. What do you say?"

We smiled brightly, making her laugh. "I knew you'd like that idea. You know, when I was younger ... that sounds like I'm really old even though I'm not, okay so, when I was younger, like your age, I still remember all of these stressful exams so I think we should definitely relax a little ..."

She went on telling us about her life as a teen as we helped her put the dishes into the dishwasher. Kihyun smiled a bit apologizingly at me, as if to say sorry for his aunt's many words, but I found it adorable. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if Kihyun would actually be like her if he spoke, as they were so similiar to me. The next second, I scolded myself.

"You can already go take a shower", she said to Kihyun as we had finished and he shook his head, pointing at me as if to say I should go first, but she interrupted him. "No, no, you go first. I want to talk to Changkyun."

Kihyun looked at me and then back at his aunt, silently laughing a bit. Apparently he had already expected this. But no matter what he tried to say, his aunt didn't just let me go. After a few attempts, he gave up, signing a **_sorry_** in my direction that his aunt commented with an indignant gasp, before leaving the kitchen.

"Uh ...", I began, not really sure what to say, and she laughed.

"No, don't worry", she tried to calm me down as she turned on the dishwasher. "I just wanted to tell you I'm really glad you're here over Christmas. I hope your parents don't mind, but I figured I'd just invite you and see."

"N-no, they don't mind at all", I responded shyly, leaning a bit against the kitchen counter. "It was really nice of you to invite me. Thank you a lot. I really mean it."

"The least I could do", she responded smiling. "How is Kihyun doing? Is he okay?" At my hesistant expression she added: "I mean, I'm just asking in general. You know, it hasn't always been easy ... especially because he doesn't talk."

For me it had became so normal to talk without a voice that I couldn't even really imagine anymore how other people who weren't as comfortable with that would react. Only the thought of Doyoung made me stop in my thoughts. "He's ... he's okay, I think. I'm glad you care so much about him."

"I can only give that back." She breathed out slowly. "It may sound just the slightest bit creepy, but I'm really happy you two got together. Don't think Kihyun told me about his feelings or something like that, he usually keeps things like these secret, but I noticed it right away. I know him too well."

It made me blush slightly. "Yes, I'm also really happy about that." Somehow I had to laugh. "Sorry, I'm usually not this awkward."

"Don't worry, darling", she responded. "The interview is over. Not guilty. I hope Kihyun has left enough hot water for you. I've already showered, so you can gladly use the rest."

I was already on my way out of the kitchen, when she called out: "Oh, and don't you dare sleep in separate rooms this time!"

She wouldn't have to worry about that. When I reached the second floor, Kihyun was about to unpack our bags and place our stuff in the closet. So this was indeed his room; the last time I had been here I hadn't been too sure about that. It was still very unpersonal, and bags were lined up next to a wall. I already wanted to ask him about it, as I suddenly noticed he was about to open the pocket of my bag his present was stored in.

"W-Wait, stop!", I managed to call out, and he looked up in confusion after flinching a bit. "Y-You shouldn't look in there", I tried to explain. "I'll show you tomorrow, okay?"

A smile appeared on his lips. **_Okay._**

By eating so many cookies and talking so much, I had become incredibly tired, so I tried to hurry showering. The hot water running down my body softened my tensed muscles, and I quickly dried my damp hair with a towel after I had brushed my teeth.

Kihyun was already done unpacking when I came back to his room. Instead, he was lying in his bed beneath the blanket and writing something on his phone. Only when I closed the door and turned off the lights on the ceiling, he looked up and turned around to lie on his back.

"What are you watching?", I asked as he opened the blanket for me to lie down beneath him. He shook his head, holding up his phone for me to look at the screen. It was our group chat, currently having the name _'yaaaas no more eXAMS BC IT'S XMAS'_ , which had obviously been Hyungwon's idea; everyone was wishing each other happy holidays. We hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to each other yesterday, at least not as a group; I had only wished everyone I had met at school a relaxing time during the next two weeks.

I smiled, reaching for my phone on the nightstand where I had placed it before going to the bathroom, and quickly typing a message myself.

**_< Happy holidays ~ take care everyone! ^.^  >_ **

Kihyun's phone vibrated a second later and he held it up once more to show me he had seen my message. But my glance was caught rather on the way he had saved my contact than my own text.

**_My baby <3: < Happy holidays ~ take care everyone! ^.^ >_ **

I swallowed, looking at him as my lungs, heart or something else in my chest felt like burning up. In the dim light of the lamp next to the bed, he looked back at me, a slight smile on his face as he noticed what I was thinking about. He bit down on his lip, pointing at my phone.

Maybe it would have felt awkward showing it to anyone else, but I didn't hesitate to reach out with my hand, his glance focusing on the display of my phone as I clicked on our chat. The moment he read how I had saved his contact, I noticed something changing in his glance. It made my heart race, my palms sweat and it unable for me to even say a coherent sentence anymore.

I felt like he also wanted to say something, but he didn't. Instead, he gently took the phone out of my hands, lying it together with his on the windowsill on his side of the bed, before reaching out, softly, cautiously, his fingertips gliding over my skin as he softly laid his lips on mine; my eyes closing, my fingers made their way to his neck, holding onto him.

He pulled away way too early, my movement following his. Slowly, as if still thinking about his words, he sat up, his hand taking mine to pull me up with him. He looked at me, and if looks were kisses, I thought at that moment, his lips would've touched mine a long time ago.

He raised his hand, his index finger pointing at himself. Then, he gently took my hand, laying it between both of his as he held them over his heart, so I could feel his fast heartbeat for a second before he tenderly reached out and laid his hand on my chest.

**_I love you._ **

I felt like breaking apart beneath his touches, my bottom lip shivering as I felt tears welling up in my eyes. He looked at me; and I understood. This was the most vulnerable a person could ever be, and he had just laid his heart out in front of me. The pressure of his fingertips against my chest was slowly vanishing as he let his hand sink, and I whispered: "I love you."

And we may have spoken two different languages, and we might never have any idea what the word love actually means because there are infinite feelings in this world, but I know, in this moment, it felt like everything at once.

I pulled him closer, kissing his cheek before I turned my head to meet his lips that were moving against mine; his hands slowly wandered up my back, his fingertips right on my spine until they found my neck. I could feel the tip of his tongue softly touching my lips as to ask for permission, and a shiver ran through my body as I lifted his waist to get him on my lap, because he was still too far away for my fingers to touch every inch of his skin.

I was melting beneath his touches, melting into something else and melting into him, into his kiss and the way his hand was sliding down my chest. A soft sound escaped my lips as his fingertips met my bare skin where my shirt had ridden up. He stopped for a second, his breath mixing with mine, before he drew patterns onto my waist that I would never understand as I leaned in.

I feared I wouldn't be able to stop once I'd actually touch the skin of his back as his shirt was dangerously close to giving me access to it; I ran my fingers through his hair, gently pulling away, trying to catch my breath. I had never felt like this before, like I didn't need to say anything to make someone understand, and it was making my body ache.

We lied down beneath the blanket, arms wrapped around each other although we didn't really know where to put our elbows and knees, and so we had to laugh, just a little at first, but then harder, until our shoulders were rising and falling and the corners of my mouth hurt.

He continued to draw patterns on my back over the fabric of my shirt for a while, until we calmed down and I closed my eyes, his movements gradually slowing down; his hand still against my back.

_I love you_ , I thought, because I didn't need to say it out loud. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I hope you liked it and maybe you can kind of see where I am going ... although there are a lot of clues hidden in earlier chapters + things you can't really know yet; still, I'd like to hear your opinion about it ^.^  
> Have a nice day!  
> Love,  
> Akiko


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> This chapter is going to be a wild ride, I warned you! ^.^  
> Get your tissues ready ~  
> And have fun reading!

Love is a very strange thing. It is a very strange thing to say if you've only loved one person like I did in your lifetime, and it's an even more strange thing to feel when no one has ever taught you how to deal with it. I wanted to be honest: I had no idea about love. But I had Kihyun, and as long as he was there so that I could love him, I was okay.

"Wait, wait, wait, not so fast!", I managed to call out for him as I was trying to follow his figure in front of me, although my movements were limited to either very little, unsatisfying steps or long, dangerous slides. The ice beneath my feet was smooth and incredibly slippery. For people knowing how to ice skate those may have been the perfect conditions, but for me, considering it was my first time every stepping on ice with ice-skates on my feet, it was danger.

Kihyun turned around, smiling; even though it sometimes seemed like he would just skate farther away and leave me by myself, I knew he was always staying close and looking behind him, and whenever he sensed I was close to falling down he would slide back and take my arm to guide me. It had taken me an hour to stably stand on the ice-skates and I was just about to master actually learning how to skate on them.

His brown hair was swaying in the wind as he slid backwards and signed: **_You're doing great._**

I had to laugh. "Thank you. I'm sorry I can't keep up with you, though. You can do a few rounds on your own, I don't want to make this boring for you."

It had been his aunt's idea to drive us to the frozen pond used for ice-skating, where Kihyun had apparently passed a lot of his time as a kid when he had visited her. It was noticeable in the way he was so confident on the ice, and it made me feel strangely proud. Among the few people around us, parents teaching their children, couples having fun or friends slowly skating next to each other, he seemed to be the best, and I could just stare at him in awe whenever he performed a little spin or slid backwards like it was the easiest thing to do for him.

He nodded, his fingers slightly brushing against mine as he smiled and increased his speed so that he was literally moving like light. His movements looked so graceful and elegant I seemed to forget how to breathe for a moment, before I came back to my senses and continued practicing my little slides on the ice that would carry me maybe half a meter, while he disappeared somewhere behind me. I wanted to make him proud, and maybe not look like a total loser. I had never been particularly good at sports, and my balance was lacking enormously.

A kid was skating by next to me and made me lose my focus, so that I actually stumbled over and almost feel down, if it hadn't been for the arms suddenly wrapping themselves around my waist and holding me in place. I caught myself once more and Kihyun skated around me so that we could look at each other. **_As if I would ever leave you alone on ice, when I know you can't skate_** , he signed laughing and I slightly blushed, imagining he had been observing my useless attempts to get better from right behind me.

Before I could answer, a voice tore me out of my focus on Kihyun, and made me look up. Kihyun's aunt was standing on the shore of the pont and waving for us. We were too far away to understand her words, but Kihyun nodded in her direction and looked at me before taking my hand and slowly beginning to skate. I guessed it was already getting late, as the sky was starting to turn darker. We had slept until lunch, which had consisted of little biscuits, and then decided to go here to spend our time until the evening. Even though I had maybe only skated a little fraction of the way I had thought we would actually cover, the time had passed quicker than expected. And although I had learned I loved to look at Kihyun ice-skating, I was already looking forward to cuddling beneath a warm blanket.

I couldn't deny that since yesterday night the desire to be closer to him had risen to a whole new level I hadn't even known could exist. The thought of his signs made my heart flutter and my mind become lightheaded, and so I weakly followed him to the other side of the pond, paying attention not to fall down again. Whenever I thought I had become used to him and his displays of affection, he did something unexpected that made me contemplate my ability not to become crazy once more.

It actually reassured me I could notice something similiar happening to him, too - when I took his hand or kissed him without saying anything beforehand, he always blushed a little and I noticed him biting his lips. Even today he behaved the same, although he seemed distracted; I didn't know by what, but it hoped that it were positive things that were occuping his mind like this.

"How was it?", his aunt asked when we were sitting in the car again and looked at us through the rearview mirror. She had put makeup on this morning, and the warm colours suited her skintone. While we had been skating, she had taken care of buying the last groceries before the shops would close, and now there were several bags with food pressed between Kihyun and me on the backseat.

"I was horrible", I said in the same moment Kihyun signed: **_He was doing great._**

His aunt laughed, and pulled over into the right street. Every house was decorated with a lot of chains of lights on their balconies or in their gardens, and I noticed Kihyun was looking out the car window as they were floating by. He was looking at them the same way he was looking at icecream, and in some moments I was able to catch him looking at me like this, too. I smiled a bit behind my scarf.

"I'm sorry I'm talking about this again", his aunt apologized as I was helping her in the kitchen half an hour later. We had changed our clothes into something more comfortable, and I had offered to help her with the food while Kihyun was picking out movies. As church wasn't an option for us, we had agreed on eating and watching Christmas movies before exchanging gifts. I was more than just okay with that. This house had become something close to a save haven for me, and as long as Kihyun was around, I would have even been okay with spending the whole night on the frozen pond.

"About what?", I asked before she could continue, as she closed the oven where a part of the food was being cooked. I was cutting vegetables on a cutting board and paying attention not to hurt myself, as I was usually bad with knives.

"I just ... I can't stop saying I'm really glad you're taking care of him", she said and smiled softly. "I was really afraid he wouldn't find any friends at the new school."

I would never understand how anyone wouldn't want to be friends with Kihyun, but maybe these people just had a strange view on the world. "What school did he go to before?", I asked; questions like these that just asked for facts wasn't something I couldn't talk with his aunt about without him being there, I figured.

But her answer confused me slightly. "Oh, he didn't go to a public school for some time", she responded and looked at me like she was trying to search for something in my expression. "He had private lessons before he went to the boarding school."

"Private lessons?", I asked with furrowed eyebrows. I didn't know you could just have them without any good reason, so there had to be one. Maybe this was why Kihyun was so talented at studying and memorizing things quickly, because he had had to do most of it on his own. Still, it seemed strange to me, and I was about to ask her further about it as she looked up and behind us; Kihyun was gently knocking on the wood of the doorframe, holding up two movies in his hands as if to ask us which one was the better one.

"Let's just watch both", his aunt answered, what brought a huge smile onto his face, as he returned to the living room. My glance followed his figure for a second longer, and somehow another point was added on the list of things I didn't yet know about him. His aunt didn't look like she wanted to continue talking about this topic, so I let it slip. Maybe he had just taken private lessons because his family was a bit wealthier than others, judging by his aunt's house.

But on the other side, my gut told me it was another thing falling under the same category as his parents or several other little things, and it all was a big mystery to me, just like Kihyun himself had been at the beginning. It surprised myself I had been able to hold back with my questions for so long, considering how curious I normally was, but I still felt it wasn't my right to pose them just because I wanted to know the answer. I trusted Kihyun he would tell me everything when the time was ready, although I had no idea when this would be. Still, this thought calmed my worries a little.

But this state of calmness didn't last for too long, as it never did. As I stood up during the dinner to throw away the tissue I had needed for my runny nose, Kihyun behind me signing something I couldn't see while his aunt was answering, my glance fell onto something in the garbage bin I knew just to well, or rather, some things I knew just too well - several envelopes and letters between pieces of food and other stuff. And even though I could only deciffer the letter A, I was sure what was written on them. Or rather, from whom they were.

 ** _Do you know this one?_** , Kihyun asked as me as soon as I had sat down again and showed me one of the DVDs he had picked. I shook my head, not even bothering to look at the DVD in detail, as I didn't know any Christmas movie, but rather looking at him. I had the feeling those letters weren't just normal letters from his father, and it made my stomach hurt. I had the feeling there was something I should know about, but at the same time, I could still remember his words. I don't want to talk about my parents.

"No", I answered smiling. "We can watch it if you want to."

I felt like something was wrong and like everything that wasn't right was connected; but I wouldn't be able to connect it without Kihyun. Maybe he would never tell me; but I would always be there to listen. And while I wanted to know so badly, I forced myself to shut my mouth. I should know best how it felt not wanting to talk about something.

He smiled, and I brushed my thumb over his hand. His slight shiver made my heart beat faster. Not only did he possess the ability to ice-skate like a god, but he could also melt me like ice in the sun with just one reaction. And I didn't need to know everything about him to love him; I had no idea about love probably, but I was sure of that.

What I knew was enough to make me fall so hard I was sure I would never be able to get up again.

And this knowledge was yet once again confirmed a few hours later, as we were sitting in front of the couch, the living room decorated with almost as many chains of lights as there were in our dorm room, and the final credits of the last movie we had watched still rolling on the tv behind us.

"Oh no, you didn't have to get me anything! Oh my dear, that's adorable ..."

It made me happy to see Kihyun's aunt smiling like this as I gave her the present I had bought last week. It was just a small bottle of lavender bath salt, but she was so grateful for it that it made me feel warm inside. Kihyun was cuddled up next to me under a blanket, the light of the fire burning in the fireplace illuminating his face just like it had done a few weeks ago when his sleeping face had made me want to kiss him so badly. Today I would be able to, but I still held back, comforting myself with the fact that we would be alone later.

She also had little presents for me and Kihyun, as well as Kihyun for her. Only when it came to exchanging our gifts Kihyun's cheeks seemed to flush a little, and I smiled as he unpacked the sweater and gloves I had bought for him. In his eyes, I could see everything at once, and it made me feel overwhelmingly much. He put one of them on and took my hand in his.

"Because you're always cold", I explained and he grinned, as if to say he was well aware of that. It turned out we had had the same idea, because when I removed the wrapping paper of my own gift, I held a dark blue beanie and a similiar pair of gloves in my hands.

 ** _You always make sure I'm not cold, even though you yourself are cold often enough._** He smiled.

I had a third gift for him, that I gave him later that night when we were already laying in his bed, the blanket spread over our bodies. I had taken it out of our bag when he had been in the bathroom, and now I was playing with it between my hands, waiting for the right moment to give it to him.

He was laying on his side, and actually flinched when I touched his neck. But before he was able to turn around, I said: "Wait. Can you stay like this for a second?"

The metall must've felt cold against his skin as the little pendant slipped beneath the fabric of his shirt. I closed the necklace so that the tiny little heart out of sliver was a bit below his collarbones. My fingers lingered on his skin for a second longer before pulling back. He didn't move for a few seconds, looking at it. Then, he turned around and laid his arms around my waist, pressing his head against my chest.

He didn't say anything, and neither did I, but his hand on my back was drawing little hearts onto my skin.

\-----------------------------------------

We stayed with his aunt for two more days, although it felt much longer. Maybe because we didn't do anything special - Kihyun and his aunt both having the same taste in Christmas movies resulted in infinite options of selection. I didn't really mind, as long as I could be next to him, and his aunt made the best hot chocolate I had ever had.

Still, the time came when we had to say goodbye. I was a bit sad, but also excited to go back the dorm. We hadn't planned to stay much longer than until the end of the week, and even if we had, our plans would have had to be cancelled because Kihyun's aunt had to go onto a business trip of her company for a few days, something with technology and economy whose name I couldn't quite recall. The previous day, she had spent a few hours in the kitchen, cooking various dishes for us with the statement that we were eating far too unhealthy with all of this cafeteria and convenience store food. I hadn't really known what to say to defend ourselves because she was indeed right and it was incredibly nice of her to care for us like this, so she was now packing the tenth container into a bag she had prepared.

"Here you go." She handed the bag to Kihyun and followed us into the hallway, where the rest of her and our luggage was already waiting. After some time, we finally managed to get her two suitcases plus our stuff into the car without being suffocated by it on the way to the bus station.

I had really grown to like her, I noticed when she was waving at us from outside, her baggage next to her. She would wait for the bus leaving in half an hour, when Kihyun and me would already be halfway back to Incheon. We waved back as soon as we had sat down, until the bus started and her figure became smaller and smaller as we leaving Seoul behind us.

She had a unique way of dealing with Kihyun, in all the little things she did or how she responded to him, and it made me feel reassured. Whatever may have happened with his parents, she was his family and loved him dearly; she had accepted me before she had even really known me. No matter how many times I thanked her, it never felt like it was enough. I just hoped she was able to see the expression in my eyes whenever we told each other goodbye.

"You will have to write me a letter or come visit me for the next few weeks if something happens", she had told us before we had entered the bus. "My phone isn't working anymore, and I don't have time to buy a new one."

I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Kihyun was looking out of the window, seemingly caught in his thoughts. He had always been a very pensive person, one of the many things I loved about him, but lately he seemed to be distracted so often it made me question what he was actually thinking about. Before I was able to ask him, my phone in my hands vibrated. I unlocked it and looked at my messages.

**_RamenQueen: < Hey there! Jooheon has broken his phone so he wanted me to tell you he's coming back to the dorms some time tomorrow, because we want to spend some time together and he has to work on a few essays ... you'll be there? >_ **

Seoyeon and me had actually just texted once in all the time she had been together with Jooheon, and that had been because of classes. I almost laughed, reading Jooheon had once again crashed his phone, he seemed to have a talent for that. Kihyun was leaning his head against the windowpane, his eyes closed. It was still early morning, so he probably was pretty tired.

**_< Yeah, Kihyun and me are coming back today  >_ **

Although I was always happy about some alone time with Kihyun, I was also excited about seeing my friends again, even though we had only been separated for a few days. Additionally, New Years Eve was on Monday so we would be able to do something fun.

**_RamenQueen: < Nice, he'll be happy to hear that >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < we can do something together on Monday maybe? I need to see some familiar and kind faces >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < oh god you won't believe who started working at the restaurant >_ **

**_< why, who?  >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < that one guy who got suspended because of you and Kihyun! His name is something with Do ... god he's annoying me so much >_ **

I furrowed my eyebrows. Doyoung? It was only natural he was trying to spend his now free time with something else than just sitting around, but I felt pity for Seoyeon for having to deal with such an asshole on a daily basis.

**_< sorry to hear that, he's horrible. Please stay away from him :(  >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < Oh don't worry about that, I'm close to wearing a suit with some electromagnetic field that prevents him from coming closer than 50m >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < at least his stupid friends aren't showing up ... they're apparently all somewhere else to work since they've been suspended >_ **

I chuckled a bit, but soon became serious again. My glance transferred to the sleeping Kihyun next to me. I couldn't help but assume that was he was so worried about was what had been going on at school for a while now. Talking with Seoyeon about it made all of my own worries about him appear once more, and Doyoung working at the restaurant now would mean he wasn't going to leave the city any soon. Not that I would have expected that, he still had to graduate. But nonetheless, it reminded me once more of the misery we were in, and before I could prevent it, my fingers were already typing the message.

**_< Seoyeon, can I ask you something?  >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < you're making it sound like you want to kill somebody. but yeah, sure >_ **

**_< I'm afraid Doyoung hasn't stopped with all of this ... towards Kihyun, I mean  >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < wait what did he do? >_ **

**_< little things like taking his stuff etc. ... but then on Monday there was the teddybear I gave Kihyun cut open in front of our door ... I'm worried about it  >_ **

This time, the read sign didn't appear next to her contact. I guessed she had gone offline. Probably she was already at the restaurant by now to help prepare the food if she had the morning shift. I hoped she would answer later. I really needed to know the opinion of someone else on what to do. Seeing Kihyun worrying about it and having no clue what to do anymore made me feel so helpless.

I tried to forget about it when we arrived at the dorm and greeted Mrs Kim who was apparently also already back from her vacation. It was freezing cold outside, and Kihyun held my hand after he had woken up and we had left the bus, even when we were inside. Both of us were wearing our gloves and the bag with food was swinging inbetween our bodies. I couldn't have been happier about his aunt preparing it for us, I noticed as soon as we were in our room and I was unpacking the dishes to make lunch for us.

"It's really good", I praised her cooking skills when we were sitting on our bed, and Kihyun nodded. He had taken the container with kimchi in his hands and was staring at it like he was contemplating on eating everything at once or not eating anything at all. But I noticed the way he was chewing on his chopsticks without realizing it himself, a clear sign he was thinking about something else.

"Are you okay?", I asked, softly taking the container out of his hands and placing it one the blanket. He looked up, quickly taking the chopsticks out of his mouth, and smiled apologetically.  
**_I'm sorry_** , he then signed. **_I'm really tired today._**  
"Kihyun ...", I said, worried.  
He bit down on his lip, lowering his glance onto his knees. ** _I'm just afraid._**

His honesty made me stop for a second. He was fumbling with his fingers, laying his chopsticks down, before he stood up and signed: **_I'll go take a shower, okay?_**

"Kihyun", I said his name again and reached for his wrist as he walked by. He stopped in his tracks.

 ** _It's stupid to be afraid_** , he signed, smiling softly, **_so please don't worry._**

"It's never stupid to be afraid", I responded and he bent down and placed a kiss on my cheek before disappearing into the bathroom.

It wasn't stupid to be afraid. It wasn't stupid at all to be afraid, especially not of Doyoung. I myself was afraid of him, and I hadn't had so much to do with him lately as Kihyun had had. It was natural to be afraid, so why wasn't he talking to me about it?

I scrolled through my phone as he was showering, but Seoyeon still hadn't answered. I didn't even know if she would be able to give me any good advice in the first place. Doyoung was suspended, he shouldn't even be able to enter the school anymore. There was nothing more I could do against him than tell the principal, and I couldn't just take Kihyun's fear away. Especially when Doyoung was pretending he wasn't even the one doing this.

I needed something to take my mind of all this anxiety and fear, and so I decided to read something. But compared to Kihyun, I wasn't really much of a reader. I was looking through my collection as he left the bathroom and put on his pajamas. Especially this time I tried not to look at his scars; there was so much to worry about I felt like it was all breaking down on me.

"Can I read one of your books?", I asked and he looked at me, a smile appearing on his lips. **_Sure._**

I was scratching my neck awkwardly. "And ... can we read one together? You know ... I have nothing to do for school and we have watched every new kdrama, so ..."

His arms wrapped around my shoulders from behind me and hugged me before he turned me around in my chair. His hair was a bit disheveled and made me want to run my fingers through it. **_Of course. Just pick one. I have to write an essay until next week, so I'll just go get the school keys from Mrs Kim and one of the books I forget in my locker. I'll be back in a second._**

I nodded, smiling back at him. At this time of the year the school was closed, so luckily Mrs Kim was already back to hand him the keys. He put on his jacket, scarf and shoes and quickly waved at me before closing the door behind him. I turned around in my chair, standing up and sitting down again on Kihyun's in front of his desk.

Winter was now in full bloom, and outside the sunlight filtered through several layers of clouds was slowly disappearing. We had turned on the chains of lights, and the red one illuminated the backs of the books I was looking at. Kihyun had all of them organized in a method I couldn't idenfity, because they seemed too tidy to be randomly stacked onto each other, but the pattern behind it was unrecognizable for me. He had even more books than I had thought he had. The majority of them were thrillers, but there were also some romance novels inbetween.

I didn't really know how to distinguish a good book from a bad one just by reading the summary, so I decided to just pick one that sounded interesting in my opinion. I had already found one that was about a family murder, when my glance fell onto the one on the very left, who seemed special to me. Only when I had already pulled it out and taken a look at it, I knew why - the book was very large, not so much because of the number of pages, but because of all the papers stuffed between the cover and the first page.

I wanted to put it back, but in this moment, the phone in my pocket vibrated. I flinched, the book falling out of my hand. It fell down on the edge of the desk, und further down on the floor, where it's content spilled out on the carpet. Startled, I stood up and kneeled down to pick everything up again. Something told me not to look at what had been inside the book, but when my fingers held it up and I noticed it was a newspaper article, I couldn't help but pay attention to it.

It was dated approximately a few months ago, in August. The piece of paper I was holding had been cut out of a page, and the picture in the middle of it was slightly blurred. But the thing that caught my attention the most was the headline. It seemed strangely familiar, as if I had seen it before.

**_Abuse accused father gets acquitted_ **

I only scanned the first few lines of the article. It wasn't a big one, maybe a quarter of a page.

_Seoul, August: On Friday, the 24h of Augst, Yoo Hwiyoung, who had been a target of the medias for the last eight months because of the accusation of domestic violence, has been acquitted of all charges. The prosecuting party as well as their lawyer seemed to ..._

I laid the article down again, my heart beating in my chest. Something was beginning to grow in the back of my mind, but I couldn't put a finger onto it yet. Still, my hands were shivering as I reached for the other pieces spread on the floor. Maybe it wasn't right to read them, but I felt like I had to. I focused on the newspaper articles, the thin paper crumbling between my fingers.

Another one, dated earlier.

**_Domestic Violence Case against Yoo H._ **  
_Seoul, December: A new case of suspected domestic violence has made its way into court. 46-year-old Yoo H., former CEO of 'Shin Economics', had to defend himself in Seoul's district court yesterday afternoon after his sister-in-law filed a charge against him a few weeks ago. According to the 32-year-old chairwoman of the national joint-stock company, Yoo H. has been practicing domestic violence against his 17-year-old son for an unknown amount of time ..._

My vision seemed to become blurry. I let the paper fall down as if it was burning me. Somewhere inside my mind unknown puzzle pieces were putting themselves together, but I forced myself to grab yet another one of the articles.

**_Uncertain outcome of the domestic violence case_ **  
_Seoul, May: After several months of legal proceedings, former CEO Yoo H., who had been accused of domestic violence against his son, has now been released out of custody. Prosecutor Pak Junmyeon stated the lack of evidence towards the defendant as a reason for no further lawsuits. His son, who didn't want to speak in court, denied further interviews. The final verdict is still to be awaited ..._

I pushed the newspaper article to the side, my trembling hands reaching for the envelopes and letters that were scattered between them. The envelopes were all opened, and they all carried the word I knew just to well from all I had seen as Kihyun had read them. I hectically scanned over one of the letters.

_Kihyun, I know we've had some problems in the past ...  
... I will not allow you to live with her, even if she is your legal guardian at the moment ..._

Another letter. Syllables. Words.

_... Going to this school won't keep you away from me, and I hope you are well aware of that ...  
... wanted me to disappear, you should have said something in court ..._

Sentences.

_... You should know who is the older one in this game ...  
... Did you really think this was it?_

I felt like I was about to throw up; I pushed the papers away as if to not let them touch my body. My mind was screaming at me, and still, I didn't want it to make any sense.

The only thing preventing me from actually running to the bathroom was my phone that was vibrating constantly, as if someone was calling me. I picked it up in the moment it stopped, and the first thing I saw were Seoyeon's messages. She had finally responded.

**_RamenQueen: < Monday? >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < All of Doyoung's friends are out of town, and Doyoung was here >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < I had a double shift on Monday, Doyoung was here the whole day, it was his first day so he didn't even leave for a break >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < Changkyun, he didn't do that >_ **

**_RamenQueen: < There is absolutely no way that was Doyoung >_ **

I stood up faster than I could think about what I was doing. I was sure it was Doyoung who had cut Kihyun's teddybear and put it in front of our door, even though he had said he hadn't done it. I had been sure at least. But if it couldn't be him, then ...

_I don't want to talk about my parents._

_I'm afraid._

_Is that ... are that ... burn marks?_  
It wasn't him.  
It wasn't Doyoung. 

It wasn't Doyoung.

I stumbled over the book, not even bothering to put my shoes on. The hallways were cold, and my feet slid over the carpet and down the stairs. I was running down the steps, almost falling over my own feet. I had reached the first floor, when the phone I was still holding in my hand vibrated again, and I looked at the display in utter shock.

Kihyun was calling.

"Kihyun?", I almost screamed into the phone when I accepted the call. There was silence on the other end of the line. He wasn't talking, of course he wasn't talking. I could hear someone breathing, it was him. He was breathing quickly, as if he was gasping for air. My heart clenched. "Where are you? Kihyun, where are you?", I screamed into my phone; the breathing stopped, and instead I was able to hear the familiar noise of someone ending a call.

I started running again, looking at my phone display, waiting for something to happen although I didn't know what, I ran through the entrance hall and cafeteria until - a text. Kihyun.

**_Bathroom_ **

The garden was frozen and I hissed as the cold and ice went through my socks directly onto my skin, even though the pain was barely noticeable in this moment. The entrance door to the school was unlocked, the lights were out. Only the dimmed light from outside was entering the hallways through the windows as I ran by the lockers to the boys' bathroom.

I didn't know what I had expected, most likely nothing because I didn't have any weapon with me and hadn't even though about it, but when I opened the door to the bathroom, it was empty. At least as far as I could see; the lights were out and there was no one in front of the wash basin. It was silent, but all the stalls were closed, so I loudly asked: "Kihyun?"

There was a second of silence, and then I heard someone knocking against the door in the stall on the very right. I hurried to get there, but when I did, I wasn't able to open the door. I looked down to the lock that could normally only be used from the inside, and noticed that a hairpin was put in some way between a piece of the lock and the door that it wasn't able to open anymore. I pulled the hairpin out, and the door flew open.

Kihyun was kneeling on the toilet lid, and as soon as he saw me he stood up and stumbled forward, pulling me so close to him I wasn't able to breathe for a second. Only when his shoulders started to rise and sink, I noticed he was crying.

"Are you okay?", I asked, taking a step back to look at him. "Are you hurting anywhere? Look at me, please ..."

He looked up through his bangs; his lips were trembling, tears streaming down his cheeks and falling from his chin onto his shirt. He was gasping for air without noise, his finger digging into my shoulders like he wanted to make sure I would stay.

Almost reluctantly he released one of his hands to sign. It were incoherent sentences, words that didn't fit, but I tried my best to understand them. **_Home. Room. Go._**

"Yes, yes, of course, let's go home", I answered quickly; my body was shivering, and my mind seemed to be blank. With every gasp for air something inside me broke, and I was close to crying myself. I took his hand in mine, holding it tightly as we left the bathroom. He stayed so close to me while walking that his shoulder was pressed against mine, and he almost ran as soon as we were close to the exit.

Only when we entered the dorms again, his movements slowed down; I paid attention that he wouldn't fall down the stairs as he normally did for me, and when we finally reached our dorm room, closing the door behind us and locking it firmly, his tears had died down a bit.

He fell down on the bed, not paying attention to the mess of papers on the floor, his shoulders still slightly moving up and down. But his calmness didn't last for long; as I sat down next to him and pulled him to my chest, he broke out in sobbing again, and this time I was sure my heart was breaking somewhere beneath his touch.

I ran my fingers through his hair as he wrapped his arms around me, not sure what to do or what to say. I didn't want him to cry, I didn't ever want him do be sad and I could feel myself tearing up as he was trembling in my hold. With soft touches, I stroked his back and pressed a kiss onto his hair.

Only after a few minutes his crying died down, and he was clingling weakly onto me. I fully climbed onto the mattress as he slowly backed off, his breathing becoming steady again. His eyes were puffy and red and I leaned over to grab a tissue from the nightstand; gently holding onto his chin, I wiped the remains of his tears off his cheeks.

He was looking at me as it touched his skin, and I needed to say something, anything, to make him feel better. I didn't know what, and so everything just spilled out of me. "It's okay, okay? It's okay now, I'm here, I won't go, nothing will happen, I promise, okay?"

I had also promised to protect him. But he nodded, and I got the impression what I had just said had been more to reassure myself than him.

That was until his glance fell onto the floor next to the bed. He had just looked down, and suddenly I could see his eyes becoming wider, slightly but enough to make me know. I reached for his hand. Everything and nothing was on my mind, and I didn't have any idea on how to voice it.

"It wasn't ... Doyoung, was it?", I managed to stutter, my voice weak and quiet. Kihyun looked up at me again, and it looked like something was shattering inside his eyes. Then, he shook his head. His hand was too tight around mine, it was starting to hurt. I swallowed my fear down. "I'm ... I'm sorry I looked at them, they just fell out and I knew something wasn't right and ..."

I might have been able to wait for the right moment to get to know the answer for everything before, but at this moment, I wasn't - or maybe I had also never been. There was no right moment, and there would never be. Not when he was crying, not when he was sobbing like this and I could do nothing about it.

"Kihyun, please, talk to me", I begged, my voice breaking a bit. "Please, what is going on? I swear I didn't mean to find them, I just stumbled over them and then, I just had to read them, I mean ... is this ... are these ... about you?"

His bottom lip was shivering. Slowly, he detached his hand from mine and raised it to sign. I still noticed how much his fingers were trembling. I touched his knees, I need to touch him somewhere to let him know I was here.

 ** _It's okay_** , were the first words in the air. **_I should have told you. I should have. I thought if I didn't, maybe it wouldn't be real._**

He looked at me for another second; he pointed at the articles and letters laying on the floor and then at himself.

"These are really ... about you?", I asked, my voice now finally disappearing and I could see the tears in his eyes threatening to fall again. I had somehow known it as I had read the first headline, but I had nonetheless hoped everything was different until now.

He pulled me close again, and we stayed like this for a bit of time, although I didn't know for how long; his body was still trembling and all that I wanted was to make him stop feeling like this. I didn't want to see him sad or see him crying, I wanted to see him smile so bad it hurt.

He pulled away, but needed a few seconds to be able to sign. His sentences were beginning to make more sense, but still, it was hard for me to follow.

 ** _It was him_** , he then signed. ** _It was him on the toilet._** He pointed once again at the newspapers. **_I wanted it not to be him so badly._** Another tear was running down his cheek, and I gently wiped it away with my fingers. I suddenly wasn't so sure anymore if I wanted to know; I was afraid I'd break when he was the one allowed to.

 ** _He was acquitted in summer_** , he signed with his legs pressed against mine on the bed. **_He has been writing letters to me and my aunt ever since. I was so afraid of meeting him in Seoul ... and then all of this happened and I was sure, I tried to tell myself it wasn't him._**

So I had been right all along - nothing of Kihyun's behaviour in Seoul, the way he always seemed to look for somebody, had been my imagination. Now I wished I had paid more attention to it sooner. A lot sooner. Maybe Kihyun wouldn't have to cry - maybe ...

 ** _I ... I tried to tell myself it was the other boy._** Doyoung. ** _But it wasn't him and I knew. I just didn't want to see it ... I just don't know what to do._** Over the last sentence, Kihyun had began crying again and could see his eyes glistening in the red light. I cupped his face with my hands, stroking a strand of his hair behind his ear.

I felt so powerless. "What ... what happened with your father?" It was a dumb question to ask after I had read the articles. But I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to. I refused to.

Kihyun lowered his glance, as if he didn't dare to look at me anymore. It was dark now outside, and the chains of lights that were turned on were the only source of light in our room. I wanted to hold him, but I also needed to look at him and be everything at the same time. I had no idea what to do.

 ** _My aunt ... she filed a lawsuit against him._** His signs were small, so incredibly small and slow. **_Last year. But they let him go. Not enough evidence. I couldn't talk._**

"A lawsuit for what?" I knew the answer. I knew the answer all too well, and that was the problem. I wanted him to say something else than what was on my mind, I just needed him to say something else, please. Please, say something else.

But Kihyun didn't say anything. His hands rested next to his hips; he still wasn't looking at me, trying to breathe instead. Slowly, he laid his fingers around the hem of his shirt and pulled it upwards. And while I had seen everything of what he was showing me before, I couldn't help but cry. The tears that had been building up in my eyes fell down on my cheeks as I looked at all of his scars, just a bit more red against the rest of his soft skin; so many, way too many. I wanted to scream, but I was mute.

His hands let go of his shirt and came up to reach for my face, wiping the tears away and holding me close. My body was hurting, and I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. Only when I started to calm down, he continued to talk through signs.

 ** _I was too young to know at first._** His signs were so hesitant. **_My mother ... she died very early. I only had him. I thought it was some kind of strange affection. But as I got older ... and he wouldn't stop doing all of this to me ... I stopped to talk._** His lips were trembling. **_I didn't want him to have my voice._**

He was blinking as to try to hold back his tears. **_But he got so angry at one point that ..._** One of his hands was reaching for his shirt again and he revealed the wound right between two of his rips, dangerously close to the middle of his chest. **_And so they noticed. My aunt noticed. They didn't know why I stopped talking before and then they asked me for real ... my aunt decided to file a lawsuit and I lived with her for a few months._**

I tried to stay sane; slowly but surely everything began to make sense. "You lived with her? She told me you had private classes ..." 

He nodded, his attempts not to cry becoming harder. **_Yes, I had them while I was with her. But the day my father was acquitted, they sent me here. Because my aunt believed it was too dangerous._**

Anger against his father was building up so deeply inside my chest. "So ... that's why you were so late." He nodded. I felt like my heart was crashing down several floors. All this time I had asked myself why he had been so late at the beginning of the schoolyear, why his room at his aunt's house wasn't decorated at all ... all because of this. Because of his father. 

I couldn't hold back anymore. "Why isn't he in jail? Why didn't they sentence him? Why? Why didn't they?" 

His shoulders were rising and sinking, his knuckles turning white from clenching his fists so hard. ** _I ... I don't know. He is rich. I didn't talk. I couldn't talk. I couldn't ... I couldn't ... talk anymore._**

He was gasping so hard for air I had to hold his face to force him to look at me. The veins in his eyes were deep red. "You don't have to talk, okay? Kihyun, you don't have to talk. Nothing you would ever do would be a reason for him to do something like this or for them not to punish him or ..." 

He shook his head. I stopped. **_He_** , he then signed, **_he didn't do all of this._**

"What ... what do you mean?", I asked, and my stuttering was becoming worse, as well as the speed of my words. I was swallowing my syllables. "He ...?" 

There were scars on his ribs, stomach and hips. Now, he raised his shirt to reveal those on his hips; they were small, but red. My eyes focus on them even as the shirt was already covering them again a few seconds later. 

**_These ..._** , he signed hesitantly. **_He didn't do them. I did them._**

"No", I whispered. It was breaking. "No, no, Kihyun, please, don't ..." 

**_I'm sorry_** , he signed with shivering hands, ** _I'm so sorry. It was so long ago and I thought it would help and it didn't, I don't do this anymore, those are old scars, I didn't ..._**

"Look at me", I begged, laying my hands on his shoulders. He looked up. "You're not a bad person for the ways you try to kill your sadness. But you didn't deserve this, okay? You deserve to speak and be healthy and I want you to take care of yourself and know that there are people who love you and ..." I wasn't able to say anything else before my voice broke away. 

**_I don't do this anymore_**. He was looking at me, his eyes begging. **_I promise, I don't do this anymore. But I thought all of this had ended. I thought he would leave me alone. But he somehow found me and now, then, in the bathroom, he ... he locked me in there and said my name, and ..._**

"We will go to the police", I said, determined although I was feeling weaker than ever before. "We will go to the police right tomorrow morning -" 

Kihyun reached for my hand. **_They won't listen to you. And they can't speak my language. We need to tell my aunt and ..._**

"When is she coming back?", I asked. "On Sunday evening? Then we will take the bus again and tell her and then we will go to the police right on Monday." 

He nodded, his eyes lowered onto his lap. I thought he would say something more about the police, but instead, he suddenly signed: **_I'm so sorry you know this now._**

I stopped in my actions for a moment, trying to understand what he had just said. "Sorry? Why are you sorry? I love you. You don't have to be sorry about anything." 

He still wasn't looking at me, so I softly touched his chin. His eyes were drier now at least. "I love you just like you are. What does this change? I don't want you to be afraid, I don't want you to cry. If you didn't tell me because you were afraid of my reaction, it's okay. But don't be sorry now, because I don't want this to happen to you and I need to know to help. I won't let this happen anymore. We will go tell your aunt and then we will go to the police, okay? They can't let him go. They just can't!" 

We both knew they could. Especially because Kihyun wasn't speaking the likeliness of someone fully believing what he was saying was small. Especially if his father was rich. Especially if he wasn't even nineteen yet. 

I had to do something, something in order not to cry again or punch a wall. And so I kneeled down, picking up the articles and letters that were scattered across the floor. I didn't want Kihyun to look at them anymore. I had known what had happened to him before he had told me, but now that the words had been told by his own hands I felt like something was pressing my body to the ground. It had been unbearable for me to see him with Doyoung, and imagining his father doing worse things with him, things that resulted in burn and cut wounds and lead him to hurting himself made me feel so devastated I didn't know what to do anymore. 

I had always asked myself why Kihyun was never taking care of himself. Why he never wore a scarf. Why he never made any noise. Why he always apologized. Suddenly, I could guess where all of this was coming from, and while I had been angry at Doyoung, I felt the urge to kill his father more than I had ever hated any other person. 

I crumbled the newspaper in my hands, on which a blurred print of his face was recognizable. He looked like a monster to me. All I wanted for Kihyun was to be okay. How did all of this happen? How did all of this happen without me being able to stop it? 

I tried to hold onto the plan of going to the police. Just a few days until his aunt was back. I would protect him. I had to. I had to if no one else did. When I had overheard the conversation between Kihyun and his aunt all these weeks ago, when she had asked him if somebody had hurt him, I had thought she had been referring to Doyoung. I had always thought everything had been referring to Doyoung. But it hadn't. How much of this had been Doyoung and how much his father? How could someone like that still call themselves a father? 

Maybe he wanted revenge, for Kihyun accusing him and destroying his career. But I was here now. I wouldn't let that happen. 

"I won't", I began to say as I climbed onto the bed once again after having checked our door was really locked. But I stopped in the middle of my sentence. Kihyun had laid down, and his eyes were closed as if he was sleeping. He was still wearing his jacket over his pajamas, so I gently took it off. His eyes were puffy but his breath slow. 

"Let anything happen to you", I whispered into his ear as I lied down next to him. Way too many thoughts were passing through my mind. There was too much to think about and I didn't even have any idea where to start. I still wanted to believe all of his was a dream. But it wasn't. 

How could someone ever hurt him? How could they? Kihyun was an angel, he was the purest person I had ever met, even after all of this. How could they? I wanted to take everything bad that had happened to him away. I wanted it to happen to myself, but not to him. I didn't want him to bear that burden. 

But humans weren't able to do that. No matter how hard I wished to be. 

I looked at him sleeping for a bit, until I fell asleep myself. I was tired because of all that had happened, but I was holding him close in my sleep; I had no idea how long I had actually had closed my eyes when I woke up some time later. It was still dark outside, pitch black. Only the chains of lights around us where illuminating the room. I felt like time had stopped. 

I noticed I had actually woken up because Kihyun had moved out of my embrace and stood up. I silently watched him as he took at few steps towards the closet, until he was standing in front of its mirror. My breath stopped as I saw him pulling his shirt up to look at his scars. His face was sad, his eyes squinted together. 

"Don't", I intervened and made him turn around to look at me. Before he could protest, I laid my fingers around his wrist and pulled him back onto the bed again. "Don't look at yourself like this. You're beautiful. You're beautiful with your scars. Don't try to tell yourself you're not." 

He smiled sadly. **_But it would be better without scars, wouldn't --_**

I stopped him by taking his hands into mine. "No. It wouldn't. Because I love you. You. I fell in love with your mind and then also with your body, and this is your body. It belongs to you. How could I not love it? How could I love a body that isn't yours?" 

And there it was again. The feeling inside me that I had been noticing lately, it wasn't even overpowered by everything else that had happened. It was there, and it was as strong as ever and I felt like it was going eat me up whole. 

Kihyun softly detached his hands. **_Changkyun_** , he signed, as if he knew my sign gave me goosebumps, ** _I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as you. I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as you._**

And there we were, sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, both with puffy eyes and shivering hands, but somehow nothing of this was important. Nothing of this had ever been important. This was the most vulnerable I had ever been. He could have done anything to me, I realized. He could, and I wouldn't even mind. 

But he was the one who asked. People tell you that actions are something intimate, and I dont want to say they aren't; but words? Words are like you are tearing your soul out of your chest just to put it in somebody's hands without guarantee to ever get it back. And this was what Kihyun did. And I held his soul, for a very fragile moment. 

He signed the word for touch, for to can and me and you. It were four words, and it were two meanings. 

**_Can I touch you?_ **

**_Can you touch me?_ **

I saw in his glance that he meant what I meant and it made a shiver roll down my spine. I wanted to show him just how much I loved him. I felt like he knew but somehow didn't at the same time, as if he didn't want to believe me. As if he couldn't. 

I didn't need to say yes, because he felt it on my lips as I leaned forward and kissed him. His lips tasted salty like tears, and while I knew what we were doing, everything was so different all of a sudden. His hands on my neck felt like they were burning me, his tongue on mine like we were both burning. I had never understood the metaphor of fire until now - it hurt, but it was so addicting. 

I wasn't afraid of touching Kihyun anymore. I had been because I had been afraid of not being able to stop once I began. Tonight I wasn't afraid. Because I didn't plan on stopping. 

I lifted his waist so that he could climb a bit onto my lap as he ran his fingers through my hair. I loved him, I loved everything about him so much I felt like breaking. A shiver ran through his body as my fingertips met his bare skin below his shirt, that I slowly started to pull upwards. When he backed away just slightly to take it off completely, we both gasped for air between us. 

I wanted to go back to kissing him, but I couldn't stop staring at his body. I wasn't thinking about the cause of his scars anymore, I could only look at them and wonder how he didn't know about his own beauty, no matter if they were on his skin or not. He looked at me with wide, intense eyes as I let my glance roam over his skin. My fingers were trembling as I touched his collarbones, between which the the little heart of the necklace was laying, and slowly slid further down, my fingertips gliding over his scars and ribs to the soft skin of his abdomen. My breath was going quicker, and I looked up again, to find him staring at me. 

With his eyes focused on my lips, he leaned back in to kiss me. I wanted to take my shirt off, too, I needed to. I needed to feel his skin against mine, as close as we could possibly get without anything between us. 

As if he had heard my wish, Kihyun slipped his fingers underneath my shirt, at first very hesitantly but then more determined as I attempted to pull it over my head. He helped me, silently smiling a bit, and it made my heart flutter, in the same way it did as he was looking at my bare chest. There was always this little fear of doing something wrong, of not pleasing someone, but Kihyun looked at me like everything in front of his eyes had been made just to be seen by them. 

I breathed in deeply as our chests touched, no fabric between us anymore. His skin felt so hot, his touches on my neck and back so soft and his kiss so gentle. I could feel him breathing, and our foreheads were touching as we detached our lips to get air into our lungs. 

I dared to let my fingers that had been touching his stomach slide a bit further down, until they were touching the waistband of his trousers. There was no way I could sign, and so I managed to say: "Are you ... Is this okay?" 

He reluctantly detached his hands from my neck and signed; his sentence was incoherent but what I understood made my breath stop in my throat. 

**_I'm okay with anything you do._ **

He sat up a little so that I could take off his pants, and I felt something in my chest starting to hurt as they landed somewhere on the floor. I couldn't help but look at his legs as I let my hands wander over his knees and thighs, and he was shivering under my touch. Pressing a kiss onto his shoulder, I could feel his fingers opening the button of my jeans before sliding them off my legs. His hands so close to my skin where no one had ever touched me made me want to drown in him. 

He softly pulled me down together with him as we sank down on the mattress, holding my face in his hands and softly kissing me. Our bodies were touching everywhere, and I was overwhelmed by the feeling, the fabric of our boxershorts the only thing making me stay sane. I was running my fingers through his hair and gently stroking his waist as his fingers wandered lower and touched the waistband of my shorts; he was looking up at me with dark eyes, the red light shining down on us. He was asking for permission and oh God, I would've let him do anything. 

His fingers lingered there for a second longer as I hooked mine beneath the waistband of his boxershorts and slowly began to pull them down, looking at him. He moved his legs to take them off completely, and I felt something growing inside my chest, a desire I hadn't yet known I could have for somebody. I wanted him to be mine, I wanted him to be mine so badly I felt like I was going crazy, I wanted to touch every inch of his skin and drown in him. 

We managed to keep eye contact until he had taken off mine, but as soon as every piece of fabric was gone, there was no way to hold back. Our kiss got messier, and I could feel him breathing against my lips. My hand was resting on his hipbones, still hesistant, until he reached for it and dragged it further down, slowly, as if to tell me it was okay. 

"Are you okay?", I asked with breathless voice. "If I do anything wrong, tell me, okay?" 

He smiled softly against my lips and as my hand finally touched him, his body shivered beneath mine. I wasn't experienced in what to do, and so I just tried to do my best; it was hard to determine what Kihyun thought about it as he didn't make any noises, but as I asked him if it was okay for the third time, he shut me up by kissing me. His kisses wandered further, over my jawline to my neck, where my skin was so sensitive I flinched as his teeth grazed it. 

His fingers digging into my back told me when I was hurting him and his kisses when I wasn't. There was a language between us neither of us knew how to speak correctly. I managed to keep quiet and bite down on my lip until I was moving against him, but then I couldn't hold back the moan spilling out over my lips as his mouth met my collarbone. I let go of his waist, pressing my hand against my mouth; it felt wrong to say something when he wasn't. But he looked up at me, took my hand and intertwined our fingers, laying his fingertip on my bottom lip gently as to tell me he wanted to hear me. 

And so I didn't hold back. My voice was filling the room around us, as his hands discovered every single inch of my body and our two bodies melted into one. 

I loved him so much that it hurt, the way he was looking up at me, the way his lips felt on my skin and his body beneath mine, the way my heart beat so fast I feared it would just stop completely. It did for a second, as I felt my body tense, and it did for another one as Kihyun's nails dragged accross my back, his body trembling underneath me. 

I felt like I had melted a bit into him when he put his arms around my waist, pulling me so close he could place his head on my shoulder. I could just hope part of him had melted into me, too, because maybe then I could say I was his forever. 

"I love you so much", I whispered, my eyes starting to fill with tears. 

He couldn't answer, but I felt him smiling against my skin as he pressed a kiss onto my neck. 

_... and I wondered how many things there were in life that we thought we couldn't live without just because we hadn't yet experienced a reality without them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I'm not crying. I just showered, that's why my eyes are wet.  
> It's 8am and I am an emotional wreck.  
> Quick disclaimer: It could take a bit of time me to upload because of exams that are coming up, but I'll try my best!  
> Thank you for reading and let me know what you think in the comments ~  
> Love, Akiko <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies ~  
> Finally I've managed to upload a new chapter! It is incredibly long and so much happens, so I'm really excited for your reaction!  
> Thank you for reading! <3

"What is the difference between wanting to possess someone and loving someone?"

There was a girl in elementary school that asked out a new boy every few weeks. Whether it were older guys, younger ones or someone her age, she always came up to them, with a pretty smile on her face, and told them she was in love with them and wanted to be with them.

She was very pretty, indeed, the young kind of pretty, the innocent, lovely one, pleasing to the eye. She was never mean to anybody, she had good grades and maybe that was also the reason why she was so popular. Everyone liked her; I was too young to understand which kind of liking, but I figured it was a loving one. As a child, love was a cloud in the sky - it was way too high to touch, a big mystery you didn't know what it all was about, but still, it was tempting, and your fingertips burned in the desire to touch it.

And then one day, she came up to me. I didn't know how she did it, but whenever she broke up with her last boyfriend, if that was what you could even call them at our age, they were even more attached to her; so everyone around us envied me when she asked me after school, sitting on the chair next to me and swinging her legs back and forth.

And I said no. Because while others wanted to go after every mystery they found on their way, I wanted to keep them dearly. I didn't know how clouds were born, but I wanted to imagine them as cotton candy. I didn't know what love was about, but I wanted to imagine it as something more. More than that.

"Why did you say no?", my teacher asked me after school. She was the kind of teacher you imagined as an elementary school teacher; she was in her twenties, had a soft voice, gave us little stars as a reward for homework and always tried her best to teach us the multiplication tables.

I shrugged. A few boys had made spitful remarks when leaving the classroom, and I was left alone with her, packing my bag. "I don't know", I answered, my voice strange because two of my baby teeth had fallen out the week before. "I don't think it's what I want."

She nodded, sitting down on the my table and helping me get my papers into the blue folder. "You're very wise for your age, Changkyun." There was a second of silence as she thought about her words. "Jiwon has gotten used to the attention. All of you are still too young, but you will learn the difference between wanting to possess someone and loving someone."

"What's the difference between wanting to possess someone and loving someone?" I had always been curious, but while I had learnt over the years to build a filter between my mind and mouth, as a child, I had just said everything out loud I had been thinking.

She smiled, her eyes shining brightly. "There is a big difference between these two. If just want to possess someone, you'll lose interest in them after having them. But if you love someone, there is no way you will ever forget them after you had them, even if just for a little while."

I stared up at her, eyes big and round. "Will I ever love someone, Mrs Jung?"

Her voice was soft. "Of course, Changkyun. Everyone wants to love someone, and everyone wants to be loved. We're humans. It may take a while, but there is someone for everybody. Someone you don't want to possess - someone you love." She smiled gently. "And now, hush. I don't want your mom to worry because you're too late for lunch."

I had been seven, eight years old maybe. Just as clouds were too high, love was undefinable. It always is, but as I got older, it became more clear. Mrs Jung might never know I still thought about her words; but I did. I did again in a very long time as the sunshine passed through the curtains of the window, still dimmed enough that it was only a very dark grey ray on the carpet.

The chains of lights were still on, on the curtain rail, above the bathroom door and next to our desks. Somehow, I had fallen asleep after laying awake for what had felt like hours. My face was pressed into the pillow, my hands on the blanket, and as I shifted a bit, I could feel skin against my own.

I slowly opened my eyes; my sight was blurred, and only gradually adapted to the light around me, the light that was illuminating the boy laying beside me in a way that could only be described as magical. I had watched Kihyun wake up a lot of times before, but somehow, something very subtle was different this time. His chest beneath the blanket was rising and sinking slowly, the fabric just low enough to reveal one of the scars decorating his skin.

Before I could stop myself, I found my own fingers absentmindedly touching his skin, warm under my fingertips. There was something that felt like a dream about waking up like this next to someone you loved, I noticed, my own heart beating in my chest like it was in pain, reminding me of everything that had happened yesterday, and suddenly I was torn between smiling and crying.

Knowing things about Kihyun I hadn't known before didn't change anything between us. I had the feeling there weren't a lot of things that would ever be able to do so, but nonetheless it made me feel small and vulnerable thinking about everything we had talked about before our souls had melted into one; the scarred skin beneath my fingers made my throat ache and only when Kihyun turned around, I noticed my hand had wandered lower, towards the skin of his hips.

His forehead touched my chin as one of his arms wrapped around me and I could see his eyelashes fluttering. He was mine, and a warmth spread in my chest that was hard to describe as I ran my fingers through his hair.

His arms only detached themselves from my frame when he signed. **_Your skin is feeling hot._** I couldn't help but blush slighly, smiling. "I was never once cold around you."

It was magic, more like a dream, maybe because I had never actually thought something like this, something as beautiful as this would ever happen to me. There are so many things humans have no idea about until they experience them themselves. I had always felt like it had to be a miracle if two people were born in the same time on this earth, and found each other to share a love; and maybe it was one.

My hand was still in Kihyun's hair as he turned around, sitting up but then turning around again to look at me and the blanket, his glance flickering between it and my face like he was contemplating on stealing the blanket or standing up without it.

"Don't worry, I won't look", I reassured him, smiling slightly, but he bit down on his lip and shook his head. **_It's okay_** , he signed, **_you can look._**

Warmth spread in my chest as he really stood up, his arms next to his body like he was desperately trying to show me he was entirely comfortable, but I noticed the trembling in his steps. Laughing, I reached behind me and threw my pillow at his back; he turned around with a little jump and I quickly turned to the side, now being the self-conscious one. The next thing I felt were a pair of boxershorts and a sweater hitting my head.

Kihyun pressed a light kiss on my cheek as I put the sweater on, and then snuggled up against me once more, the blanket messily spread over our legs. I noticed he was holding a pen and one of his many notebooks in his hands that he sometimes wrote something down on to show me, and so I asked: "Do you want to talk about ... something?"

Calling it something was a way of understatement that was extreme even for me. We had talked about it yesterday, but Kihyun could probably guess what I was thinking about it, and he had this adorable way of caring more about what I thought about something than he did, so it was clear what the matter was. And while one part of me wanted to close its eyes, the other one was desperate to read his words, that I had waited so long for.

He turned around, his elbows on the mattress as he put the pillow beneath his chest, and I copied his action, my eyes observing the way he tilted his head as his hand scribbled words down on the paper. Yesterday had felt like three days instead of one, and everything he had told me was one big mess in my mind. There was no way we would've been able to talk about this rationally while both of us had been crying; still, I somehow felt like it wouldn't be much easier today.

After touching Kihyun like I had never touched anyone else, after seeing him like no one else had ever seen him, I wasn't so sure I could handle the truth anymore. I still wanted to know it, even if just to be there for him, but I didn't trust myself I would be able to reassure him in any way if I was hurting inside just by thinking about it.

 ** _I love you_** , were the first words written on the paper as he raised his pen for the first time and my heart clenched inside my chest, a weird mixture of pain and warmth. He had told me before, in many ways, by signs or touches or kisses or even just little actions, but seeing it written down was something so entirely different it made my breath hitch in my throat. **_And so I should have told you. I'm sorry for not telling you. You don't want me to apologize, but I have to, because I was afraid of something I should have told you earlier._**

Maybe Kihyun was the one who didn't speak; but I was worse with words than him. I was bad at essays and tests and literature and especially in telling someone what exactly I felt. But Kihyun was okay with it, and maybe he also didn't expect me to say something. Maybe he didn't need me to.

 ** _Traumatic mutism_** , was written on the next paragraph he wrote down. He had a clean handwriting, tilted to the right, round and small. **_That's what my therapist told me. I begged you not to ask me why I don't speak when we met because I can never explain it without talking about my family. And I never talk about them. The only times I did were once with my aunt and ... yesterday. With you._**

I clenched my hands around the blanket, trying to focus on Kihyun and not on the feelings growing in my chest. All this time, I had wished for Kihyun to open up to me, to trust me with whatever was laying so heavy on his shoulders, but the actual question why he didn't speak hadn't passed my mind for a long time now. Ever since I had become used to him signing, I hadn't questioned it further - and suddenly, knowing why he wasn't speaking was making a spark of pain light up.

He slid the notebook over the mattress once more.

**_She told me that it can happen that when you experience something traumatic, you stop speaking. Physically, there is nothing preventing me from doing so, but I still can't do it. I don't know to to explain it, honestly, I want to talk, I really want to, I want to talk to you and tell you everything I want you to know but I can't._ **

**_I don't really remember when I stopped speaking. I don't even know if it was such a conscious decision in the beginning. My mom died when I was four or five, and my dad took care of me. he was never_ **

I noticed Kihyun's hand was trembling as he continued to write, and my fingertips slowly caressed his arm; I would've wanted to say something, but I felt like Kihyun had opened a closed-up part of himself that had been wanting to spill out of him for such a long time, and no matter how hard it was for him, I could see the determination with which he was grabbing the pen, the desperation in the way it drew words on the paper. I wondered if he had ever told this anyone.

**_He was never there. And when he was, we always fought. I always knew he was aggressive, abusive but I never really realized parents shouldn't be like this. Only when I turned older, in school, when I was seven or eight, I noticed the difference and started to protest and that was when everything went downhill_ **

**_I can still see on my skin what he did and that makes me hate him the most, and for a short time I thought it would be better if I did it myself, too_ **

A sharp pain shot through my chest, my fingertips pressing down on his skin, but he just continued writing.

**_I thought I deserved it, even though I had stopped speaking because I knew I didn't_ **

**_It's all a lot blurrier than I thought it would be. My aunt noticed it when I was in the hospital one day, and she started this whole thing with the court and lawsuit_ **

**_I had to go to the therapist, but thankfully that ended when they sent me here_ **

**_I didn't like talking to anyone about it. In court, I couldn't say anything. Maybe if I did, they wouldn't have let him go like this._ **

**_My aunt was sure he wouldn't find out that I went to this boarding school, but then we started receiving those letters ... hers aren't as bad as mine. She doesn't know I receive them, too; she wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyways_ **

There was a pause in his actions.

**_I honestly ... I don't know what he wants. Revenge, to get me back, I don't know. I am just so ... just_ **

His pen was floating over the paper, and my eyes were starting to fill with tears. There were certain feelings you weren't able to understand if you hadn't yet experienced them. Kihyun had taught me so many, but still I had no idea how he must've felt. It was tugging on my heart, on every single one of my veins and arteries, and everything I wanted was to erase what had happened to him, to make him feel loved so he would never think anything like this again.

Somewhere inbetween a hug and whispered, incoherent words out of my mouth, I felt something wet on my collarbones. Yesterday I had felt helpless, powerless about all of this, and I still did, but the knowledge Kihyun trusted me enough to tell me what had never left his mind before made my fast heartbeat almost mute in the light of the morning.

It was some time after, when Kihyun had falled asleep for a second time in my arms, his calm, regular breath on my skin, that I was able to catch a glimpse of the word he had written down.

**_Scared_ **

________________________

No matter how many things change in life, there are always some moments of normality in which a stranger wouldn't be able to guess something is different just by looking at them. Call it routine or just a way of coping with bad feelings, I believed everyone had these moments, the moments the curtain opens and lets you see something else.

It wasn't as if much had changed between Kihyun and me, as we were laying on his bed, one of our favorite dramas playing on my laptop, two plates with his aunt's food on our laps. It wasn't like something had suddenly happened; even though I hadn't known about his reasons and especially his father before, it didn't affect the way I saw him. How could it?

But it was yet another piece, another side of Kihyun I had discovered, and with every grasp of information about him I felt myself falling deeper. I didn't know if other people felt like this, but it was so new for me, so unknown, that I couldn't help but wonder how I had been able to live without him before. How much could've changed if he had just been assigned to another roommate; maybe we wouldn't even know each others names by now. The thought made my body ache and I automatically leaned a bit further onto his shoulder.

"You know I love you, right?", I asked, the question leaving my lips before I could hold back. Kihyun turned his head around, chopsticks still in his mouth, looking at me with wide eyes before nodding slowly. "I just ... I just wanted to say it. I -"

My thoughtless confession was interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing. I shot him a short apologetic smile while blushing, and quickly answered the call, seeing it was Jooheon.

"Hey, why aren't you in the cafeteria?", he asked on the other end of the line, voice accusing. I almost laughed, responding: "Well, nice to hear from you again, too, Jooheonie. Why should we be in the cafeteria?"

A sigh. "Maybe because we're always meeting there and you knew I came back today and you are my best friend and now I am eating all alone?"

I chuckled. "Aw. I'm sorry, we slept in and we still have a lot of the food Kihyun's aunt cooked for us so it would've been a waste to eat in the cafeteria. We'll go for dinner, though ... aren't the others already back?"

Kihyun paused the drama and took my empty plate to clean it in the washbasin while I continued talking to Jooheon. Apparently everyone else was returning in a few hours, leaving Jooheon all for himself in the cafeteria; gratefully, he wasn't angry at us because he was too busy being a fanboy about Kihyun and me. It was adorable, to say the least, but I also tried to calm him down as soon as Kihyun came back into the bedroom, because I bet his voice was audible even in the hallway.

"How about we take the eight p.m. bus tomorrow?", I asked Kihyun as I had already ended the call and was looking at the online bus schedule for tomorrow. Not a lot of busses were driving as it was the day of New Years Eve, especially not a single one before the evening, but Kihyun's aunt would be coming back tomorrow and we didn't want to waste any time as we couldn't inform her earlier because her phone still wasn't working.

I had thought it would need more persuation to get Kihyun to go to the police, considering how his hands trembled whenever his father was mentioned. It wasn't like it was pleasant for me to talk about him, either, but after he had woken up once more, I had just had to talk to him about it. There was no way in hell I would tolerate him getting hurt like this anymore. Too much had happened with Doyoung that I would have been able to prevent, and it was my duty to keep Kihyun safe; it was the least I could do.

I had the feeling he felt a bit more comfortable with it as he knew he wouldn't be alone; something deep inside my chest told me he had feared me distancing myself from him because of his past or his scars, no matter what had happened between us. It made sadness swell in my ribcage in a way I had never experienced before, in a way only Kihyun could make me feel. I wouldn't let him go.

He nodded, sitting down on my lap as he wrapped his hands around my neck, looking down at me while his bangs were falling over his forehead. I felt like he wanted to say something, his lips opening just the slightest bit, but closing again as if he had forgotten no words would actually leave his throat. His signs between our bodies were soft and gentle.

**_I'm so grateful that you exist._ **

My heart seemed to shatter inside my chest. No, I thought, no matter how many times Kihyun would say something like this, no matter how much chocolate icecream we would eat or how many dramas we would watch, there was no way I would ever get used to this.

My fingers touched the cold pendant between his collarbones, as I tried to voice my thoughts. "I won't leave you alone. Ever. I'll always be here when you need me, okay?"

He smiled slightly. **_It was stupid to be afraid because of something like this._**

I wanted to ask what he meant. If he was talking about his father or rather about me and my reaction to everything he had told me, but I didn't have a chance to do so, as the next second, his lips were on mine, softly moving against my mouth and making me forget every coherent sentence that could have possibly been on my mind.

 ** _Is there something you're afraid of?_** , Kihyun suddenly asked as he leaned back, and although there was only one answer in my mind, I swallowed down my fear and answered: "Mhm. Spiders."

He laughed soundlessly and my heart ached.

_Losing you._

______________________________________

I hadn't bought Kihyun a necklace that would lie beneath the collar of his sweater with the special intention not to let others see it so easily, but some part of me had nonetheless hoped the others wouldn't spot it at first glance. However, I hadn't taken Jooheon into consideration.

His scream as he spotted us entering the cafeteria was a heavy contrast to the silence we had been lulled in during the last few hours. To others, it may have seemed like a very strange thing to do, but for Kihyun and me it was just normal to lay next to each other for hours, him reading a book or me telling stupid anecdotes from my childhood just like I had done weeks ago when his head had been laying in my lap, staring up at me with eyes full of warmth.

"Did you -", Jooheon began even before we had had the chance to sit down. "Did you- no you didn't." He squinted his eyes, not even paying attention to me as he was staring at Kihyun's neck.

"What did I do?", I asked, completely oblivious at first to what he was refering to. I was almost about to stand up again to get food for us when Jooheon answered: "God, Changkyun, I swear if he is wearing a necklace you bought him for Christmas I will fucking scream -"

I leaned down to him. "I swear to god Jooheon, if you scream I will -"

"So you did!", he exclaimed, Kihyun silently laughing besides him. "Kihyun, show me. Quickly, or your boyfriend is going to murder me."

"Very right", I responded, nudging him in the side, smiling helplessly. "Why isn't Seoyeon with you? She's the only one who can tame you apparently."

Jooheon sighed. "She's at work. She told me Doyoung works with her now. Wonho will be devastated because that definitely means no more ramen for a while. And basically she has to teach him so she has to work more for the next few weeks."

Kihyun and me shared a look; Jooheon noticed immediately. "Wait, did something happen?", he asked with a worried face and Kihyun shook his head.

_I begged you not to ask me why I don't speak when we met because I can never explain it without talking about my family._

Gratefully, Jooheon changed the topic before one of us could even blink. I guess he didn't want to talk about Doyoung and everything that had happened any further, either. "Okay, but don't distract me from the important stuff. I see your intentions, Changkyun."

Both Kihyun and me probably thought he would shut up about it after Kihyun had showed him the tiny heart and he had made a strange noise that sounded like a little cry; but to our misfortune, something else seemed to catch his attention as Kihyun turned his head. Except this time, he seriously screamed. The lady giving out the food looked at him like he was a psychopath.

"Changkyun!", he called out, eyes wide, "Changkyun, did you - you didn't - I mean - oh my god you really did -"

I followed his glance and flinched as I noticed what he was refering to; on Kihyun's neck, there was a tiny red, almost violet love bite and I immediately stood up, almost ran to the other side of the table and sat down next to Kihyun, reaching for the collar of his sweater and pulling it up so far you almost couldn't see his mouth anymore.

"No, Jooheon", I answered, trying to stay calm as Jooheon responded: "Oh yes, you did!"

Fortunately, he was interrupted by Wonho and Hyungwon who turned up in this very moment. Never before in my life had I been more grateful for their appearance, as they seemed to take Jooheon's mind off certain things concerning Kihyun and me for a little while. There was a big round of stories about holidays and strange family meetings as Minhyuk and Hyunwoo turned up, too, and later even more talking about the horrible cafeteria food.

It felt like home; all of this. My friends, Kihyun's hand on mine beneath the table, even the food you could literally choke on; something that happened not far after. But not because of the food.

Kihyun was just about to swallow a spoonful of rice when it happened. Jooheon had been behaving totally normal during the last half hour, but something must have re-attracted his attention to us, maybe because I had had to let go of the collar of Kihyun's sweater to eat, because a second later he was suddenly screaming: "Oh my god, guys, I need to tell you, Kihyun and Changkyun, they actually -"

I had placed my hand over his mouth before he could finish the sentence, but nonetheless, everyone's attention was now on us. I leaned forward a bit, whispering in Jooheon's ear: "I swear, if you dare to say it out loud I will tell Seoyeon you can't sleep after watching a horror movie because you think a ghost will rape you in your sleep."

He stared at me in disbelief, and I raised my eyebrows. Kihyun next to me was choking on his rice, coughing without noise, and it took him some seconds until he was able to catch his breath. I was already about to scold Jooheon when he interrupted my intentions, pointing with his chopsticks at Kihyun and then at me.

"Take care, Kihyun", he said in a serious voice. "You better get used to that. It won't be the only thing you'll choke on."

"Jooheon!", Wonho and Minhyuk screamed in unison as I managed to throw a handful of rice into his face.

"I'm sorry", I apologized as my first reaction in the evening when we were brushing our teeth in the bathroom and Kihyun turned around to look at me questioningly. Because everyone else had been tired of driving back here from home, they had all left the cafeteria pretty early, maybe also a bit traumatized by Jooheon's remark. I had felt too vulnerable in the empty cafeteria after everything that had happened the last few days or weeks; I couldn't wait to go to the police tomorrow just to feel a bit safer.

And so we were back earlier than expected; it was already dark outside, but that wasn't surprising. I had told the others to be careful on the way to their rooms, even if I didn't think they would be in danger. Honestly, I wouldn't even expect them to worry about it if they knew.

Which they didn't. Hyungwon had told me I should tell if there were new problems with Doyoung, but considering this was about Kihyun's father I told myself not to feel bad about keeping quiet. It wasn't like they would actually be able to do anything else than worry. Just considering the plans for tomorrow, I wasn't too sure if we would actually be able to meet up with the others for the fireworks. I really hoped so, though.

"For ..." I breathed in deeply. Being embarrassed in front of Kihyun wasn't anything that I felt that often anymore, not like in the beginning when I had tried to keep my feelings secret and had changed into a substitute for red Christmas lights with every word that had left my mouth. "This. You know, the ... your neck."

Suddenly though, I felt more unsure than ever. Thinking about yesterday night, I asked myself how I could have possibly been any less than incredibly self-conscious; but somehow the way Kihyun had looked at me had made me feel special. It still did. "I mean, I am sorry about ... how do I even say this, I just ... I didn't really think about it and ... well ..."

Kihyun smiled, taking a step forward and my face into his hands. He tilted his head, the corners of his mouth raised, a picture that made my heart flutter and that I didn't yet know would burn itself into the corners of my brain forever.

It was almost like I could hear Mrs Jung words in my mind again that night. We were humans, we wanted to love and we wanted to be loved; still, I believed there wasn't another soul like Kihyun's in the world, no one that would ever be able to touch me quite in a way like he did, to touch me where his hands couldn't. And after having felt him, it had happened just like she had predicted it - there was no way for me to forget him.

What are you scared of?, I could see Kihyun's signs in my mind once more as he was already asleep, his chest rising and sinking beneath my fingertips. Losing him was a wide range of different fears limited to the biggest; there were actually a lot of things that I was afraid of. I had never understood how someone could be scared to love, the things they tell you in slow songs and dramatic movies, but it all began to make sense; it was scary to think about how often you'd break your own heart just to make someone else happy.

I had to think about my own mother as the moonlight was shining on my face; about how scared she was whenever she had to let me go, about how scared she had been when I had told her about Kihyun. To say that I didn't understand her would be a plain lie. But I didn't understand her enough, not enough to answer her countless messages and calls when all I could ever think about was the soul lying next to me.

Kihyun turned around in his sleep, his face pressing against my shoulder and my heart skipped a beat at the sight of lashes fluttering. No, I had never known I could possibly feel so much affection towards anyone; I had never known I could have the desire to hold someone so close there wouldn't be enough space left for me to breathe. And while it was scary, while it was scaring me to my bones, it also felt warm and painful inside my chest. There were miracles on this earth no one would ever know about, and Kihyun was one of them.

_______________________________________

"Do you have your gloves? Scarf? Beanie? What about your -"

Kihyun shut me up by wrapping the scarf around my head, carefully but still quick enough to perfectly drown out the rest of my question as he smiled at me. He probably knew a bit too well what was going on in my mind right now; he had always been good at reading my feelings, and it wasn't exactly a difficult thing to do, considering I had spent the last hour constantly asking him questions and not keeping my mouth shut for more than two minutes.

But I could also see how the smile on his face was a bit strained, the corners of his lips a bit too low to count as a smile and a bit too high to make it look intentional. Seeing him worried and uncomfortable with what was going to happen made me want to just stay home and forget the world outside for a few minutes, hours, or maybe forever.

However, I knew just too well it wasn't possible. If I wanted for Kihyun to be happy, there was no way around trying to end the chain of horrible events happening to him. No matter how hard it was for him or even for me, I saw it in his eyes whenever he looked into the distance, how his mind wandered to places far from my reach that would never be able to heal inside of him, not until he knew there was no reason to be scared anymore.

Because even though I liked to ignore it just as I liked to ignore things bothering me in general, even though I liked to forget about it when we were lying next to each other, him being safe in my embrace, there was something outside the walls of our safe haven that I wouldn't be able to protect him from forever by making him stay with me. And even thinking about the way his hands had gripped my jacket two days ago in the bathroom, the way his cheeks had been stained by tears was enough to convince me there had to be a way to make all of this stop.

I hummed as he pulled the scarf down so I could feel cold air against my lips once more. His hand was stroking a strand of hair out of my face, while his other hand was signing. **_Everything will be okay._**

It felt wrong, the way he was reassuring me when it should have been me doing it for him. But maybe my facial expression just gave a bit too much away; I raised my hand and laid it on his, keeping his palm on my cheek. I really hoped so. "Did you call your aunt?"

Kihyun nodded, making a sad expression. It was like fate was messing with us; she was coming back today from her work trip, but there was no other way to contact her than visiting her since her phone apparently still wasn't working. I would've wished for it to be easier; with every step we took outside of our room I felt like we were a bit more unsafe then before.

 ** _You're cute when you're worried_** , Kihyun signed and detached his hand from mine to turn around and open the door. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say; something inside of my chest was telling me to reach out for him and pull him back inside, to close the door behind him and ignore the rest of the world for a bit more.

I didn't. The hallway was cold as we walked down the stairs; I was checking my phone, trying not to trip on the steps. Our group chat was a wild mess of plans for New Years Eve and questions about last-minute essays. Judging by the messages, even Seoyeon would have time this evening to walk around the city - nobody really had any specific idea where to go yet to watch the fireworks.

"We'll be back at ... half past ten, right?", I asked him as we reached the entrance hall. It was a waste of time to spend so much hours on travelling between Seoul and Incheon, especially when there were only a few busses leaving every few hours, but it was the only way to contact his aunt for now. "Do you have the old phone with you?"

Kihyun nodded, patting the pocket of his jacket. He had had the idea to give his old phone, the one he had only brought with him in case something would have happen with his new one so that he would be able to contact someone, to his aunt. We would probably only make it to the police station tomorrow, but still there was no way anyone would come and repair her phone until then, especially because of New Year's Eve.

I lowered my glance, looking onto my phone once again. "Okay, I will text the others that we don't know yet if we'll able to come. To be honest, I ... I wouldn't --"

I wouldn't feel comfortable with going out so late at night when we still haven't been at the police station, I had wanted to say, but my intentions were interrupted by Kihyun's hand that laid itself on mine suddenly, his fingers warm on my skin. My glance was focused on the last step of the staircase as we reached its end, and when I looked up - my breath was caught in my throat.

It was already dark outside, as it was becoming evening, and heavy raindrops were falling down from the sky, the dimmed light from outside illuminating the entrance hall in a grey light. I hadn't expected to see anyone, honestly; Mrs Kim wasn't back yet as it were still holidays, and our group of friends were probably the only students that had come back to the dorm until now. So my eyes widened as I saw a figure standing in the hallway; and a trembling word left my throat as I recognized her.

"M-Mom?"

Parents don't change for their children, ever - their face somehow always stays the same, whether they are two or twelve years old, twenty-two or forty-four. There is somehow always something familiar about them, no matter how much time has passed. Maybe because they are home, in a way they themselves may never understand; looking at my own mother, it seemed like I had seen her just yesterday and suddenly I was reminded of why it had become so hard for me to look at her. Because I saw everything that had once connected us in just a split second.

"Changkyun." Her voice was soft, as soft as it had always been. And somehow it made me flinch slightly; I hadn't expected her to see her here, now, in this moment - standing in the middle of the entrance hall, hands fumbling nervously around the wood of the red umbrella in front of her beige coat.

"Mom." There was a pressure on my chest as I looked at the way her black hair was framing her small face, and a wave of affection seemed to crash over me that confused me every time I looked at her. There could still be love flowing in a river that had dried down a long time ago.

"Changkyun, I ... hello." She took a step towards us and Kihyun's hand left mine, although I wanted to reach for it once more. I felt vulnerable in front of my mother, probably more vulnerable than I had felt in front of Kihyun yesterday.

"What ... what are you doing here?", I asked, my voice hoarse. Normally, I had a lot of time to prepare for our encounter in the summer holidays. Not once in all these four years had she visited me here. Now, seeing her standing it front of me without announcement of her visit, my throat felt dry. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to come?" Why did you come?

"You weren't answering my messages or calls", she answered, stopping in front of us, a save distance between us. Her glance shifted to Kihyun next to me, and a slight smile appeared on her lips. "You're Kihyun, right?"

My mom had always been good at observing people, or maybe just the way we were standing so close next to each other told her it was him. I didn't know what I was hoping for, seeing Kihyun nodding next to me; except for her worry about him hurting me there hadn't been any other reaction from her on the phone towards the fact that he was my boyfriend. For the sake of Kihyun, I just hoped she wouldn't say anything about it while he was with us.

But she was considerate. "Nice to meet you", she told him, slightly bowing, as he quickly copied her actions, strands of his hair falling over his face as he leaned down. Before she could ask anything that would require an answer from Kihyun, I quickly intervened: "Sorry for ... not answering. But what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you." The answer was simple; almost as simple as it seemed to answer her messages, not decline her calls or not feel this fear in my stomach when I returned home during the summer. Which, in fact, meant it wasn't simple at all.

"Kihyun and me ... we actually have to be somewhere", I told her, and was once again overwhelmed by the desire to just take a step towards her and embrace her. It would be so easy; but physical affection was always easy. Nobody ever talked about understanding someone else.

A shadow laid itself over her eyes and I couldn't help but feel guilty. I wanted to curse at the universe for it's unfairness; why did she have to turn up today, when everything that was on my mind was enough to suffocate me alone, without her adding up on it? There really wasn't any way fate had ever meant for us two to stay close, I noticed. Maybe the world just didn't like certain things to work out.

"I ... I am sorry for just showing up like this", she responded and another sting of guilt shot through my body. "I just ... I really thought we had to talk about some things."

I didn't want to be harsh towards her. I had never wanted that, it was just that somehow I had that strange way of building a wall around myself with sharp words and misleading accuses whenever something that I wasn't completely comfortable with came too close to me. It was worse than ignoring my problems, because it affected others even more than it did myself. And although I felt the warmth spreading in my chest looking at her, I was close to letting that exact sharpness possess my spirit once more.

But some things had changed; not me, but the person that was by my side. It was Kihyun now, and he had a talent for reading words out of thin air when he himself never voiced them. Before I could even open my mouth, his hand had touched my arm and made me turn around.

 ** _You should talk with her_** , he signed, his motions slow as to calm me down. Maybe he had noticed how my bottom lip was shivering. ** _I can go alone._**

My mother was watching us, her facial expression irritated as she observed the way I was following Kihyun's hands drawing in the air between us. My glance was torn between the two of them as I shook my head. There was no way I should let Kihyun go alone, even if he was just going to take the bus. My mother cared about me, more than she probably should, but there was no way we could solve our problems just because she had suddenly turned up, whatever her intentions may have been.

"I won't let you go there alone", I answered, throwing a glance in the direction of my mother; she had lowered her glance as if she was trying to let us talk by ourselves, even if she didn't understand what Kihyun signed anyways. "There is absolutely no way I will -"

 ** _Changkyun_**. Kihyun knew I became weak whenever he used the sign for my name. He knew everything he had to tell me to make me change my mind. He always did. **_I have been living like this for a year or even longer. It's just a bus ride. The relationship between my father and me is already destroyed - but yours isn't._**

I didn't know why he was suddenly talking about his father in comparison to my mother, and it confused me to say the least, but the look in his eyes made me hold back the answer laying on the tip of my tongue; it had always fascinated me how many things Kihyun was able to express just by looking at me, and it still did. I couldn't deny the desire to just speak with my mom, like an obsession you had been able to suppress for a long time before something reminded you of it and you were thrown back to the start. And Kihyun looked at me like he knew just well enough what he was talking about.

 ** _I won't let you miss this opportunity_** , he signed, and suddenly I felt myself taken aback, as my mind remembered the yesterday night, when Kihyun had caught a glimpse of the many messages of my mother on my phone. I saw his face in front of my eyes as he had signed: **_I think you always feel that desire to be close to them. I just never had a chance to be close to him the way I wanted to be._**

It was a funny way the universe worked, I noticed as Kihyun let his hands sink. While his father had never cared enough about him, my mother had always cared too much.

Still, I felt that suffocating fear in my chest. "But ... I don't want you to go alone. What if something happens? What if -?"

Kihyun smiled. **_It's a one hour ride. I will take a taxi once I get there. I will text you every half hour, okay? Please don't ... don't miss this._**

His smile that had been strained just a few minutes ago was so reassuring now, and I really hoped he wasn't putting on a show just for me. I felt torn between both options, but Kihyun didn't even give me a choice. He just leaned forward and pressed a kiss onto the corner of my mouth, smiling, and my chest began to hurt. When had all of this happened; since when did he know me better than I knew myself?

I was still staring at him as he took his phone out of his pocket and tiped something into it. I didn't bother to look at my own phone as it vibrated in my pocket, because his hand was already slipping out of mine before I could even think about it. He bowed in front of my mother, before taking a few steps away from us, quicker than I could even progress it.

Kihyun was smart. He was smarter than I would ever be, because he knew I wouldn't let him go by himself if he stayed just a second longer. He was smart because he had always known how much my relation with my mother pained me, even though I had always refused telling him; and somehow I couldn't stop thinking about how I wished he wouldn't have noticed, because then he wouldn't feel like interrupting us in a moment like this, when so many other things seemed more important.

He waved at me, pointing at the pocket of my jacket before signing something. I couldn't see the entirety of his words as I was busy getting my phone out of my pocket; when I looked up, my mother's glance was following Kihyun leaving through the entrance door as he smiled.

I sighed. There was a string attached to my body that made me want to run after him, but my mother was standing between us and I knew it wouldn't be what Kihyun wanted. Maybe he was right; maybe he had just made too many bad experiences with his own family to let me copy their actions, or maybe he just thought I was worrying too much about him. Maybe some genetic issues couldn't be suppressed, but I still felt a weird feeling spreading in my chest looking after him.

But transferring my glance onto my mother, I pressed my lips together; I was like her, in a way I didn't want to admit. But I didn't want to become like her. I didn't want to be scared all the time because something had happened once in the past. I had to trust Kihyun; I had to trust my fate for once. It's just a bus ride.

My mother took a step towards me as I looked down onto my phone.

**_My home <3: < Don't worry, okay? I'll text you all the time :)>_ **

Just as I was about to lock the screen once more, another one came in.

**_My home <3: < Speak to your mom. Don't miss this chance, okay? I'm already halfway at the bus stop ~>_ **

Of course, Kihyun was always smarter than me. Even when it came to things he didn't know everything about, he knew what he had to say to make me change my mind. He knew me better than I probably did, and he knew my heart had been aching to speak to my mother for a long time.

"It's been some time since I've last seen this", she said, her smile almost a bit sad, although I had no idea what she was talking about. When she looked up, I imagined her eyes were a bit too teary. "How about we go somewhere else and talk, hm?"

______________________________

The rain had become heavier during the last half hour, and my glance was focused onto the drops splattering onto the window, drawing incoherent patterns as gravity pulled them towards the ground. My legs beneath the table were shifting from left to right, a clear sign I was more nervous than I intended to be; it wasn't like I was expecting Kihyun to walk by, but I still felt the urge to look outside. And maybe, I also didn't want to look at my mother.

My phone was laying on the table between us, a silent agreement it would stay there for the rest of the evening. Since Kihyun had texted me a few minutes ago that he was on his way to Seoul now, I was at least a bit less tense than before. Maybe he was right, maybe I was worrying all too much; but my mind wouldn't let go of the pictures in front of my eyes. I didn't want to ever see him cry again; I'd do anything to prevent that from happening. Still, I was sitting here now with my mother, about to regret the decision he had made for me just twenty minutes ago.

My mom was sitting on the other side of the table, staring at its surface as if she was waiting for words to appear on it. I couldn't really be angry at her for interrupting my plans to accompany Kihyun, because it had been him who had decided to make me talk to her, and I couldn't even be angry at her for showing up like this. I hadn't answered her messages, after all.

To be honest with myself, there wasn't any reason to be angry with her. I didn't even know why I had searched for one in the first place - but facing her like this without having any emotional barrier between us was an unknown feeling for me.

"I'm sorry for not answering your messages", I finally spilled out as the silence was becoming too heavy to bear. My hands were fiddling with the table cloth. "I just ... I didn't really know what to answer."

"Changkyun", she said with a gentle voice, her expression softening. "I know I text you too much. I know you don't like it when I call the school. I know you don't like any of that."

I bit down on my lip. There was nothing to add; she had just spoken out loud what I had been sure she had been able to guess for a long time. My mother wasn't dumb, she was a very intelligent woman indeed. She knew what went wrong and why it did, but that didn't automatically mean she had an idea how to change it.

"I bet you're wondering why I even appeared so suddenly." I noticed she was choosing her words very carefully as if she was afraid I would interrupt her. "It isn't the first time you haven't been answering my calls. I just ... I don't know. After our conversation, after you told me about that boy, Kihyun, I felt like we just needed to talk to each other."

"Please, mom", I managed to get out. "Please don't ... don't destroy this for me, okay?" I tried to phrase it nicely, to dimish my fear she would misunderstand me.

She looked at me like she wasn't sure what I was talking about all of a sudden. "I'm not ... planning on destroying anything for you."

"Then why did you come?" I couldn't suppress the sharpness in my voice any further without Kihyun next to me, and immediate guilt took over. "I'm sorry. I'm ... happy to talk to you, it's just that whenever we talk like this, it usually ends in us fighting about unimportant stuff."

"I don't think anything that concerns you is unimportant", she answered, the expression in her eyes cautious. She was staring at the cup of coffee in front of her. "He doesn't speak, does he?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "No", was the answer that left my mouth, although I wasn't sure why she was referring to that all of a sudden. "No, he doesn't. Why are you talking about this now?"

"It reminds me so much of ..." She tilted her head, obviously holding back her words. "I care a lot about you, Changkyun. I know I care too much. I would've never thought that was a bad thing. I'm sorry things went like this with us, I never meant for them not to work out."

My words were caught in my throat. It was the first time my mother was apologizing to me like this, and although some part of me had always hoped for words like these to be directed at me, I couldn't help but wonder what had caused that change. I mean, we had always both known things weren't as right between us as they could possibly be, but we had never talked about it that openly. Both parties had just kind of accepted it, these awkward and weird meetings during the summer holidays and the desire to have more where you weren't sure there would ever be.

"Why are you talking about this now?", I repeated my question, not satisfied with the answer, and a feeling inside me telling me to not let her have any wrong impressions about my relationship with Kihyun.

She breathed out, her hands tilting the cup from left to right; the coffee almost spilled out. "I know I never talked a lot about your father. I just hoped I would never have to."

"What does this have to do with my father?" I was more than just confused.

"I know you don't like to hear this." She sighed. "But love always hurts. I had to learn that with him, and I don't want to destroy anything for you. I have just always tried to keep you safe from all that could happen to you, but this was something I couldn't prevent."

"Why would you want to prevent love?" I snorted angrily. "You've always kept everything away from me. You didn't want me to love anything, ever. And now ... I don't want to talk to you about this. I always wanted to talk about dad, but you never did. It's too late now."

"It's not that I don't want you to love anything", she responded, desperation in her voice. "But life isn't as easy as this, Changkyun. I just want to warn you that things aren't always going to be like -"

"Why are you telling me this?", I responded. "Why? I know life isn't easy, mom. Everybody knows. But that isn't a reason not to love, just because you're so ... so ... scared!"

She shook her head. "When I was in love with your father, Changkyun, I was so blind. I thought love could last forever, and maybe it would have, but there are always things you can't control."

"And?", I asked back. "What do you want to tell me by this? You're afraid of loving, mom, you've always been. You've never loved anyone else since dad died, and sometimes I feel like you would prefer not to love me so you wouldn't have to worry."

"Don't say something like ... this. Aren't you afraid of loving?", she returned the question, her lips pressed together. I could see she was struggling.

"No", I lied. "I'm not."

I was. I didn't know why. I didn't even know how to make her understand - I had never been able to relate to the pain she had had to go through, and she had never been able to understand how you could love someone who was possibly hurting you. I didn't know how to make her understand; didn't know what to make her understand.

"I just want you to be careful", she begged. "A heart is something so fragile and it can be broken so easily."

"It's nobody's fault anything of that had to happen to dad", I responded, feeling my stomach clench in discomfort. "It's not mine and not yours and not anyone's."

"Sometimes I wish it was someone's fault, so I could blame somebody." She swallowed. Something about her seemed so broken I just wanted to put her back together. "I loved your dad. I still do, Changkyun. But maybe this isn't worth it, you never know what's going to happen and ..."

"I never want to be as afraid as you are, mom." My voice was becoming sharper now. "Don't you see you're hurting everyone else around you? How can you close your eyes in front of something so beautiful just because it could hurt you?" Without noticing it myself, I had stood up. The café we were sitting in was almost entirely empty, and only the waitress at the other end of the room looked at me as my chair made a loud noise on the wooden floor.

"It's not beautiful anymore if it hurts, Changkyun." She shook her head. "He reminds me so much of him. You're right, I am scared. But I am scared for you."

"Reminds you of who?", I asked, the palms of my hands pressing against the surface of the table, so hard it almost started to hurt. Somehow I knew what she was going to say, but her answer still made my breath stop for a short moment.

Her smile was even sadder now. "Your father." She brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear as she lowered her glance onto her hands. "He also talked like this."

I couldn't answer for a second. I wasn't too sure if I had understood her right, and so I slowly sank down onto my chair again, leaning backwards as to keep my distance, although my body was aching to come closer. "What? I dont - I don't get it."

"Your father", she repeated, the corners of her mouth twitching slightly. "He also talked like this, with his hands. I didn't know Kihyun didn't speak before meeting you. In a very short second, you two reminded me so much of me and him."

"Why did you never tell me?" I didn't know how the words were leaving my mouth, because my mind wasn't able to process them. "Why did you never tell me anything about him? Why are you saying this now? Why are you ... why are you telling me this?" I couldn't help but notice my hoarse voice.

She shrugged. "There isn't much to say about him that I could explain without you knowing him. There are a lot of things about someone you can never tell anyone. We didn't know each other for a very long time, Changkyun. It was like the blink of a second and then, he was gone." I noticed how her hands were shaking. "I tried to learn it for him, you know? I still remember a bit of it. I know what Kihyun told you and it reminded me so much of him." She bit down on her lip. "He always thought I was worrying too much, even before all of that happened."

"And still, you would change it if you had the chance to?" I was pressing my fingertips against the wood of the table. "You would erase everything not to get hurt?"

She smiled, shaking her head. "It's not as easy as this ..."

Her sentence was interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing. Immediately, my fingers reached for the device and a relieved sigh escaped my lips as I read Kihyun's message he had just sent.

**_My home <3: < I actually met her at the bus stop! She was waiting for a taxi to get home as she has just come back from the trip; I gave her the old phone and told her the gist of what has happened ... I'm on my way home now, I'll be there in half an hour! ^.^>_ **

I swallowed my fear down; I could imagine how his aunt had reacted to all of this without Kihyun even having to tell me. I knew how deeply she cared for him, how brightly she had smiled when she had thanked me for taking care of him, and how much worry there had been in her voice when she and Kihyun had talked about his father's letter that one time during the autumn holidays, when I had still had no idea what was even going on.

Today I knew, and even though it made me feel more reassured to know what was bothering Kihyun, it also made it hard to breathe for me. Something inside my chest told me to run to him and take him into my arms to keep him safe. It was a stupid thought, considering he was safely sitting on a bus, but something inside my throat was preventing me from swallowing properly.

"I have to go now", I told my mom, putting the phone into the pocket of my jeans. It hadn't felt like I had actually been talking to her for quite a while, but on the other hand, I was a mess, so my missing time instinct shouldn't really indicate anything. Additionally, I just wanted to get going, if only to sit at the bus stop and wait. The urge to embrace my mother and at the same time take two steps backwards was tearing me apart.

"Changkyun, I ..." Her voice was begging now. "I didn't mean for it to go like this. I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but I just ... I can't speak about him. I can't."

My soul ached, thinking about Kihyun's words; how he couldn't speak even though he wanted too. "I miss you, mom", something broke out of my chest before I could hold it back. "I ... just wanted to let you know. Can we talk ... maybe another time? There is a lot going on right now."

Her glance softened. "Sure." Her hands were still fumbling with the cup; the coffee had to be cold by now. "Just take care of yourself. And him. Okay? I think he knows you better than I do."

There was something caught in between my tongue and throat. "Why do you think so?", I managed to ask, even though I didn't know why I posed that question.

She smiled. "It's been a while. But I still remember the signs, actually. When he left us alone, he said you shouldn't worry so much about him for as long as he's breathing."

I didn't know why I was tearing up when I left the café; as I walked by the window, I kept my head down so my mother wouldn't see the familiar wetness of my eyes. Maybe it was the fact I had wanted to talk to her for so long, but had always been scared of fighting like we had done before I had tranferred to the boarding school; maybe it were the things she had told me about my father, and maybe it was the way she had talked about Kihyun. I forced the tears to disappear; I hadn't even known my father.

So why was I so emotional about this now? Just because he had spoken in signs like Kihyun did? I had no idea why, but it made something tug on my heart and I felt like the world was spinning around me.

I was feeling cold when I finally reached the bus stop, sitting down on the wood bench covered by the little glass roof above it. There was so much happening all around me that I had no idea what to think about; I decided to store everything concerning my parents in the back of my mind right now, at least until I could figure out why I felt so deeply concerned by something I had never been able to see with my own eyes.

Instead, I thought about Kihyun - the desire to just embrace him and lay my head onto his shoulder was growing stronger with every second I looked onto the display of my phone, leaning my head against the glass behind me. At this hour, not many people were on the streets, and most of those who were were groups of teenagers or young adults searching for a spot do celebrate New Year's Eve. I didn't feel like celebrating at all; I just wanted to curl down in my bed and hide from the world. Hide us from the world for a little while more.

I was about to text the group chat that Kihyun and me probably wouldn't be coming to the fireworks festival any time soon, if even at all, when my glance fell onto the clock in the corner of the display once more. Somehow anxiousness was growing in my body, although it was only twenty-eight minutes past ten. The buses were a bit later than expected usually, and it wasn't even half past yet, but something started to arise in my chest, a very bad feeling.

No, I told myself - Kihyun was sitting on this damned bus which would be arriving very soon. I really shouldn't worry this much; something inside of me was afraid I would end up like my mother, and something hidden even deeper inside told me I wouldn't want that.

My feet were tapping against the asphalt beneath them, dull noises in my ears. Somehow I had started fumbling with the sweater paws of my clothes and I was biting my tongue so hard it began to hurt slowly. Another glance onto the clock. 10:29 pm. My throat was dry. Maybe I should call him - maybe I should ...-

Before I could think of any other coherent idea, I heard a sound to my left and turned my head; almost immediately, a heavy weight left my chest and only now I noticed that I had been holding my breath during the last few minutes, as I saw the familiar figure of the bus appraching. Its headlights were cutting through the darkness and the rain and I stood up as it stopped right in front of the bench, putting my hands in the pockets of my jacket; Kihyun had made sure I had been wearing the gloves he had given me when leaving earlier, and right now I was more than just grateful for them.

An older couple got off the bus, a mother with her child. A group of teenagers, loudly chatting and looking at the phones in their hands. A younger couple, another girl and two elderly people and then - no one else.

My heart clenched inside my chest. I was standing on the sidewalk, my eyes blinking rapidly as I was staring at the slowly closing door of the bus, and then I took a step forward and another - the bus driver looked at me with furrowed eyebrows and an overall confused expression.

"I ... Excuse me", I managed to stutter, my hands gripping the insides of the pockets tighter. "Do you ... Is there another passenger on there?"

My throat was dry as the man shook his head after throwing a glance over his shoulder. Even through the windows of the bus I could see no one else was inside, but I had still hoped Kihyun had just fallen asleep. "This is the last stop", the driver told me. "Everyone got off."

I wasn't able to say thank you; I just took a step back, the bus closing its doors and slowly speeding up again while I was hectically reaching for my phone. It almost fell out of my hands as I tiped in Kihyun's contact and called him. The display was cold against my ear.

"The number you have dialed isn't available at the moment ..."

"Kihyun, what ...", I whispered to myself, my hands starting to shiver. The worst scenarios where running through my mind, as I switched to the texts and hastly began to type.

**_< Where are you?  >_ **

**_< Kihyun  >_ **

**_< Kihyun pleasr where are you  >_ **

**_< you're not on th bus  >_ **

**_< plese tell me you mssed the bus pleas  >_ **

My hands were shivering so hard I couldn't type properly; of course he hadn't missed the bus. He would've texted me. But maybe his battery was dead? My messages weren't being sent. His phone was off. Or did he have no signal?

I needed to call his aunt. My fingers were struggling to type in the right letters, and when I was finally holding my phone against my ear, the number of Kihyun's old phone dialed, I was walking from left to right in the darkness, my heart thumbing so loud in my ears I felt like it would just stop beating any second.

She answered after a few seconds. "Hello?"

"I-It's me, Changkyun", I stuttered quickly. "Where is Kihyun? Is he still with you? Did he miss the bus?"

There was a second of silence on the other end of the line, and then, I could practically hear the worry dripping out of her voice. "N-no, he took the bus an hour ago, he should've just arrived in Incheon, he told me he would be texting me when he got there -"

I didn't know what to respond. "I ... I ... I will go to the dorm. Maybe he is there. Maybe he took another bus and was here earlier and I just ... I ..."

"Changkyun, I -"

"I will call you later."

Before I had ended the call, I was already crossing the street, my legs running, the rain blowing in my face. The phone almost slipped out of my hands for a second time as a wave of fear crashed over me; deep inside I knew something was wrong, something was so incredibly wrong. He hadn't taken another bus. There was no way. There was only one bus that was driving this route at this time today and he hadn't been on there, he hadn't been on there ...

The way to the dorm wasn't long, just a few hundred meters, but it seemed like years for me. I was trying to call Kihyun while running, but to no avail - only his mailbox answered my attempts to contact him.

The entrance hall was empty this time, and I took two steps at a time as I ran up the stairs, almost tripping with every second step of my feet. The lights in the hallways were turned off, and when I finally reached our door and searched for the room keys in the pocket of my jeans, they fell down onto the floor. I felt dizzy as I picked them up.

But my heart completely stopped when I opened the door to our room, that wasn't even locked anymore.

The first thing I saw were the books - Kihyun's books, the books he loved so much and that he kept so dearly, that he had put up so orderly, the books he read each and every day. They were splattered all over the floor, pages ripped out of a few of them, forming a pile on the floor. Next to them, clothes, his and mine, our schoolbooks and blankets at the other side of the room. The chains of lights we had put up together we teared down, some of the glass stars stomped on so that there were shards of them on the carpet.

The door to the bathroom was closed, but the window was wide open, letting rain and cold wind blow inside. My knees felt weak, so incredibly weak I was close to falling down, but my hand reached out for the door, holding myself up. My mind was trying to progress what was going on, but all I could ever hear were words being screamed at me.

Kihyun.

I knew who had done this, and the fear in my chest was growing so rapidly I felt like I wasn't able to breathe anymore. Kihyun. Kihyun, where was he? He wasn't with his aunt, he wasn't on the bus, he wasn't here. But someone else had been here.

My hands were trying to dial his number for the hundredth time as I sprinted out of the room, my glance hastly searching for something in the hallways, something, I didn't know what. A clue what to do, how to feel - but there was nothing.

Blind in fear I stumbled down the stairs, the monotonous voice of the mailbox in my ear. But suddenly, so suddenly I almost fell down the staircase, my phone began vibrating against my ear, and I teared it away from the side of my head and stared at the messages, my own messages that had just been sent. And there were new ones.

Kihyun.

**_My home <3: < ch > _ **

**_My home <3: < Am >_ **

**_My home <3: < e has > _ **

The last message was different - it was a file titled with an address, and as I clicked on it, my map app opened. Something inside my chest started beating again, and I was already about to type something back, when I forced myself to breathe and wait until the app had loaded - when I did, I had already reached the end of the stairs.

Before I could look at the address though, someone crashed into me, making me fall down onto the floor, the phone slipping out of my hand as my shoulder met the carpet. I groaned, turning to the side, trying to get up again, my hands searching for the phone on the floor ...

"Changkyun, what the hell are you doing?", Minhyuk behind me asked and tried to help me up, but I was too busy getting the phone back, staring at the screen that displayed the address. I had never seen it before, it seemed like some kind of delivery address, like the warehouses next to ...

"Minhyuk, I ..." I noticed how broken my voice sounded. "Minhyuk, Kihyun, he ... I ..."

Minhyuk laughed. "Calm down, I don't even know why ...-"

"Minhyuk, listen to me!", I almost screamed, laying my hands on his shoulders and forcing him to look at me. "Minhyuk, something bad happened, something concerning Kihyun and his father, you don't need to understand, okay? Just ... I don't know, call the police or something. I know it, something is happening and I just ... I ..."

"Changkyun ..." Minhyuk's smile had vanished, his eyes filled with concern. "His father, what do you even mean, I ...-"

"Where is this address?", I asked, showing him my phone. "Is it next to the river? On the side with the warehouses?"

He threw a glance onto the display, still utterly confused. "I ... I guess so. Why -"

"Send them there!", I managed to scream before turned around and running in the other direction, leaving Minhyuk behind me as my feet carried me outside the dorm building.

It was too late for taxis - there were almost no cars on the street. I cursed to myself, sprinting across the street, passing the bus stop and running further. Rain was hitting my face, cold, heavy drops supported by the freezing wind blowing around me. My body hurt, my face and my feet, but I kept running, my phone in my hand, holding it as if my life depended on it. Why didn't it vibrate anymore, shit, why didn't he send another message -

There were pictures in my head that almost made me trip over my own feet as I crossed another street, the lights of street lanterns above my head illuminating the pavement. All I could think about was Kihyun, although my head seemed so empty and was screaming at me at the same time. He couldn't - he wouldn't -

I knew the address now. It was one of the warehouses at the end of the long main road that connected our dorm with the supermarket and the other stores in the city center. All of them had closed by now as I passed them, my breath loud in the silence around me. I ran by a younger couple walking on the sidewalk, and almost stumbled as I ran halfway into the man. He screamed something after me, but I didn't hear it. Kihyun -

I didn't knew what I had expected when I finally reached the warehouse after running like what had felt like hours - but my body was close to breaking down; my knees were shaking, my breath caught in my throat. I hadn't thought about what to do now that I was actually being here, and my shivering hand unlocked the phone as I called Minhyuk. I didn't know why I was doing it; I just hoped he wouldn't end the call as I put the phone inside my pocket.

The inside of the big warehouse was dark as I pushed the door open; only a dim light at the end of the hallway showed me my way. I imagined to hear noises from somewhere; my mind was about to explode as I quickly walked down the hallway, my worries about Kihyun almost drowning the fear in my heart completely.

I didn't know how he had managed to text me that address; I was just glad he had been able to. I was biting my teeth so hard together that my jaw hurt, my steps on the concrete floor quiet but audible. The closer I came to the end of the hallway, the more cracks in the greys walls were filled up with yellow light, the louder became the noises. I was able to make out a voice, someone groaning, what sounded like a deep voice, and I ...-

The moment I turned around the corner, I was able to see it in front of my eyes; the room was big and the ceiling so incredibly high, the darkness only being eliminated by the lamp so far above my head, above our heads - in the middle of the room, between empty cardboard boxes and ropes, there were two people, one on the other, and as soon as I progressed what was going on, I threw myself towards them.

Kihyun was laying on the floor, his head leaned backwards as he tried to get air into his lungs with the man's hands on his throat, at least one of them, because the other one was occupied with pressing his leg down which was trying to kick him off; the man above him, pressing down on him was just too familiar to me, even though I had only seen him on photos so far, and I felt like falling, and crashing down onto the pavement and -

I saw the man's hand raising and then his fist hit Kihyun's cheekbone; Kihyun's legs tensed, moving uncoordinately, trying to get his father off him; he was gasping for air, turning his head, and while I had been looking at his father on top of him, whose grey hair was almost black in the dark light, his glance met mine.

I ran towards them, throwing my body on the man with a scream, trying to push him off of Kihyun, anything, just - we rolled over the floor, concrete below our backs and I came lying on top of him, my eyes focused on his; for the first time, I was looking in the eyes of someone who had hurt the person I loved the most the worst, and all hell inside me broke loose.

I screamed, trying to punch him, but he was stronger than me, and before I even had the chance to let my knuckles meet his face, he had turned me on my back, pressing my wrists above my head, his knee hitting me in my side, making me spill out a groan of pain. His laugh was almost like smoke, filling out every free space in my mind.

"I guess it's you then, huh?" His voice was deeper than I had imagined it to be, his breath too cold to be human. "That other faggot sharing the room with him, am I right?"

"Shut up!", I screamed, trying to kick him with my legs, but to no avail - his fist met my jaw before I could even breathe, and a spark of pain shot through my face. I groaned, turning my head to the side as I heard my own bones in my skull crack; another laugh.

"I couldn't wait to make you pay, both of you", he pressed down on my wrists harder. I wanted to signal Kihyun to go away, to just run, somehow, but there was no way to move below his father. "Why did you have to get involved in this, huh? Did anyone ask you to intervene with my failure of a son?" Another hit; the left my of my face was starting to get numb, and instead a dull pain began to set in.

"Shut your mouth!", I screamed again, this time louder. "How do you - argh!"

His knee met my side a second time. "I'm sure he told you what happened, am I right? From all I've seen by observing you the last few weeks, you two are pretty close, huh? Bet he told you everything. How he destroyed my life. And now you want to do it again, don't you? You, him, and that slut, huh?" He smirked and I wanted to spit in his face. "Won't let that happen though."

I tried to keep my head on the floor as I noticed what he was trying to do, but it was too late - his hands were already next to my head, raising it and then pushing it down so hard excruciating pain spread through my skull as I cried out.

The next second, another shadow was in my sight, but my vision was blurry - it throbbed, my whole body; the weight on me vanished as I tried to turn my head around to see what was happening, but something in the back of my head cracked and I groaned, pulling my legs up to my chest in an attempt to shield myself.

Somewhere beside me Kihyun was hitting his father, I could see the motions of his hand falling down on his face, and I tried to stand up, my hands searching for something to grip on the concrete floor. I could feel my heart beating in my fingertips, and I managed to get on my knees, focusing my glance on Kihyun as I robbed forward, to get close to him, to -

But my mind went blank when I saw something shining in the light of the lamp above us.

"Kihyun!", I screamed out, struggling to get onto my feet, my eyes looking at the knife his father had taken out of his back pocket, and Kihyun turned his head towards me, his eyes widening as he saw me stumbling towards him -

"Kihyun!", I cried out again, trying to push him away but his body was already curling itself together, his now weak figure slowly sinking on the floor beside his father, as he was trying to prop himself on his hands or elbows - I saw the splatters of blood falling onto the floor and almost broke down as I saw the cut material of his jacket on his arm; it was just his arm, it was just -

With a low groan I managed to stumble forward, pushing Kihyun to the side a bit and trying to get a hold of one of the ropes laying on the floor while simutanously trying to hold his father down, my knees digging into his thighs. But his hands where already grabbing my legs, pulling them to the side, making me lose my balance as I managed to grab the rope, the fabric rough on my palms.

"You stupid bastard -", his father groaned loudly; I raised my hands to pull the rope over his, my breath hitching in my throat but then -

Pain. A spark. Fire. It was spreading so unbelievably fast in my body; I looked down, a feeling of wanting to throw up growing inside of me. There was blood on his father's chest - why was there blood? Was he bleeding?

Then, another spark. Even worse, a motion, inside of me. I looked down, lower; a knife in his father's hand. Blood. A knife coming out of my stomach.

My vision went blurry as all energy left my body in the fragment of a second; my hands searched for something to hold for as I felt a sharp push to my side. My fingers were wet as I was pressing them against my stomach, not sure if I was making it worse or better. A low whimper escaped my throat, my hands scratching over the concrete floor, where -

Someone laid his hands on my back, and I tilted backwards, my shoulder meeting the floor; I didn't know where to put my legs, I hurt so much, I hurt so - much; I didn't know where to grab, Kihyun, where was he, where was the rope, I needed to -

I struggled to keep my eyes open, my glance trying to follow the blurry figures next to me, how far were they away, I didn't know. One was laying on top of the other, now it changed, a groan, a scream, what was going on; there was something wet on the floor next to me, and I sobbed out loudly as a sharp pain shot through my body when I tried to get up.

One figure, the smaller figure, Kihyun, it was Kihyun; he was suddenly on the floor, and then the other figure was coming closer to me. My cheek was cold, touching the concrete beneath me. Everything was spinning. I was so dizzy; I was going to throw up. I needed to, I needed to get up, I needed to -

I flinched as I turned to the side, my hands gliding over the floor. The steps were coming closer, but I couldn't focus on them. My clothes on my stomach felt so wet, and all I could sense was the excruciating pain growing until it almost reached my lungs -

More steps. I could see the shadow over me now; I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. Kihyun needed to run away; Kihyun. Kihyun. I couldn't - I couldn't get up, I needed to get up, why weren't my legs - I saw something shining in the light over my head, right next to the shadow, and I squinted my eyes, and -

And then, a loud scream tore apart the silence.

_"Changkyun!"_

My mind didn't progress my own name; the world had stopped for just a second.

I was searching in my mind for a voice, for a person; I had never heard this voice before and still, still, I -

Kihyun.

A loud sound, almost like a shot echoed in my ears; I flinched, rolling to the side, waiting for the inevitable pain to set in, but it didn't appear. I hadn't hit my body, I hadn't - I needed to -

Kihyun.

Kihyun's voice.

Tears started to well up in my eyes; a loud sob broke out of my chest as I turned to the side, his father distracted by whatever had just happened; I managed to grab his jacket hard enough to tear him down with me, making us both fall onto the floor again.

I couldn't help but scream as the pain ripped through my body once more, the floor beneath my hands wet with my blood; the air smelled of iron, I could almost taste it on my tongue as I managed to get my mind together enough to kick the gun out of his father's hand, my weak fist hitting his face as the gun slid over the floor.

"Argh!", his father groaned, throwing me to the side one more, taking advantage of the way my body shielded itself from the spreading pain and kicking his knee up my stomach, directly onto the stab wound. I whimpered, my legs unconsciously moving to hit him somewhere, just anywhere -

I could hear the voice again in my head. _Changkyun._

My hands reached for the rope I noticed he had grabbed, and I managed to pull him to the side, making him tumble over on his knees; my eyes searched for something, anything, the gun was too far, I needed to, I needed -

My fingers closed themselves around something cold, metallic. The knife.

I didn't think - I threw myself onto him, the knife in my hands, hoping to just meet his skin anywhere, anywhere so he would - my vision was becoming blurry again - pain -

And then, I felt the knife go into his body - it was a horrible feeling in my hands, and I let it go as if it had burned me, staring down at his waist, where the blade was sticking so securely inside his body and I - I -

He was staring up at me, eyes hooded, but I tore my glance away, my hands scrambling for the rope on the floor - where was the rope; I needed to put this to an end, and I ... Kihyun, I needed to -

Buckling over because of the pain, I somehow managed to tie his hands together before he could move, his body tensed by the knife so deep in his skin; I forced myself not to look at it. He said something, I didn't understand what, I needed to get out of here, we needed to get out, Kihyun, where, Kihyun -

I managed to get onto my feet, somehow, the only thing keeping me sane was Kihyun's voice in my ears, his voice, it was his voice, wasn't it; it knew it was his voice, and my breathing was becoming unregular; I needed him to say it again. Where was he, we needed to get out. My body was almost breaking down, the last strength in my legs vanishing as the throbbing of my wound got worse. Somewhere around me blood was dripping onto the floor, but I didn't care about it, Kihyun -

With my vision still blurred, I managed to catch a glimpse of his figure laying on the floor behind a few cardboard boxes; I stumbled forward, trying to get to him quicker; why wasn't he standing up, we had to leave, why did he hide like this when -

The moment I made another step, and then another, and a third one, close enough to him for my vision to become clear, I whimpered: "Kihyun?"

Somehow there was so much red on the floor; why, I had laid on the other side of the room, why was there blood, it had just been a cut on his arm and I, he -

A noise pulled me out of my trance, looking at him; it was him trying to breathe, one hand pressed against his ripcage while the other one was searching for something on the floor next to him, something to hold onto. His mouth was open, his chest quickly rising and sinking, hoarse noises leaving his throat like he couldn't get air into his lungs, like he couldn't -

There was something red rapidly spreading on his chest, the liquid dripping from his clothes down onto the floor, forming a little puddle besides his body; my knees buckled, giving up to carry my weight as I broke down next to him, trying to rob closer to him, but my body was too weak - my arm was touching the red liquid on the floor, his - his blood, he -

"Kihyun?", I stuttered, almost screaming at the same time, raising my head to look at him; his eyes were focused on me, noises that sounded like breathless whimpers leaving his mouth. There were tears in his eyes that were slowly starting to roll down his cheeks and my glance slid further down his body, focusing on the little hole inside his jacket, right in the middle of his chest and -

The gunshot.

"K-Kihyun", I whimpered, almost begging, trying to get closer to him on the floor, my hand reaching for his; his fingers were shivering and he grabbed mine so hard I feared they would break, but I couldn't feel the pain. His chest was rising and sinking so quickly, his breathing speeding up constantly, becoming shorter with every breath he took.

I couldn't speak, incoherent syllables leaving my mouth. "Kihyun, Kihyun, please, K-Kihyun -"

I didn't know when I had started crying, but the sobs were breaking out of me; there was so much blood, he needed to breathe - I needed to stop the bleeding, I needed to, somehow, if I could just come closer and then -

"Kihyun", I whimpered his name again, pressing my fingers against his; why had I bought him these gloves, why had he bought me gloves, why did we wear those stupid gloves when I needed to touch him and tell him I was there and I -

"Breathe, Kihyun -" My voice was desperate as I was looking at him, noticing how he started coughing for air; high noises were leaving his throat that didn't sound like a voice nor like silence. His eyes were focusing on mine, and I wanted to scream his name, but I couldn't move; I couldn't feel the lower part of my body anymore.

I noticed a thin line of blood flowing out of his mouth and down his chin before dripping on his collar, his grip around my hand becoming even tighter. He looked at me, so desperately, and I cried out his name, trying to search for ways to tell him - to tell him -

"K-Kihyun-, Kihyun-", I cried; his eyes were slowing unfocusing from mine and without strength to turn his head around anymore, he let them look at the ceiling; his breaths were coming out so short, like it was getting impossible for him to get air into his lungs, impossible to breathe -

I looked at him; somehow in the back of my mind I was still screaming his name, but I couldn't hear my own voice anymore. I turned my head, searching for something on the floor, for anything, there had to be anything to help him, I just needed to- Kihyun, I just needed to -

The grip on my hand was loosening, slowly at first, until I suddenly couldn't feel any pressure on my fingers anymore. I didn't dare to look up at him, staring at our intertwined fingers, sobs breaking so hard out of my chest I felt my body shaking.

"Kihyun?"

My voice was so small in the silence of the room, that was suddenly filled by the loud noises of fireworks coming from outside. My voice was so small as I looked up, my eyes seeing the way his chest had stopped rising and sinking and seeing his eyes, still a tiny bit open as he stared up towards the ceiling, like he was focused on something I couldn't see.

"K-Kihyun?", I stuttered, crying. I grabbed his hand again, searching for his grip on it, searching for a reaction, my fingers touching the still warm blood next to his body as I tried to reach up towards his face and then, even though I could hear all the fireworks and my own crying and even though I could hear all of this -

I noticed there weren't any sounds anymore.

His noises, the little whimpers leaving his throat as he was trying to breathe, so loud in my ears - they had stopped.

"Kihyun?" I was screaming. "Kihyun! Kihyun, no, please ... K-Kihyun, please, I beg you ..." I couldn't speak properly anymore, my hands trying to make me stand up but the pain just made me scream another time. "Kihyun, I ... You can't ... breathe, okay, just breathe, I beg you, please - please, K-Kihyun, breathe -"

And it was there, in the coldness of the warehouse, with my hands and clothes covered in our blood and my voice screaming out his name, that I noticed he had stopped breathing.

I continued screaming his name, and then the screams died down to whimpers; I tried to shout his name, to make him say mine again, to make him breathe - he couldn't, he couldn't just, not like this, he couldn't just -

I was screaming when I felt hands on my back, pulling me up, someone pressing something against my wound and someone's hand in mine, but I pulled back; I stumbled forward and fell down, my vision blurry as my consciousness was shutting down, I reached for Kihyun - he was too far, and people were pulling me back and -

"Kihyun!", I screamed. Except I didn't scream. Maybe I didn't even whimper; maybe I hadn't said anything this entire time; there were voices and hands all around me and I wasn't ready to let go of Kihyun's hand.

I couldn't hear anything anymore; there were so many sounds I recognized around me, and still no one that sounded like the only voice I wanted to hear.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> Happy New Year! I hope all of you are doing fine and are ready for this emotional rollercoaster of a chapter.
> 
> What I really want to let you know is that a beautiful human being made a trailer for this fanfiction, and I am so incredibly grateful. It's on Youtube, called "Say Something - changki // fanfiction trailer" and I'll leave you the link below.  
> I am so grateful for everyone supporting this fic. Thank you so much!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31mbx-xtjf4
> 
> I hope you like this chapter,  
> Akiko

"Changkyun."

Kihyun was smiling at me. He was sitting on the carpet, his legs crossed, hands folded in his lap. Warmth spread in my chest; I loved the way the corners of his mouth weren't exactly on the same height, the difference constantly changing as if they couldn't decide which one was allowed to look happier.

I raised my hand, shielding my eyes from the light that was coming through the window. I couldn't remember when I had woken up, but I knew it was winter. It made no sense why it was so bright outside. Maybe I had missed something, because even our room was a lot warmer that I was used to.

"Why is the sun shining like this?", I asked him, my eyebrows furrowed. He was sitting just a few inches away from me, our knees almost touching, but something looked like it was out of proportion, as if I wore glasses with the wrong prescription. It was all so out of focus, blurry, like the light was divided into threads weaving into each other in front of my eyes.

His smile faltered just the slightest. "I don't know", he said, "it was like this when I woke up."

I looked at him; he wasn't speaking, at least his lips weren't moving, but I could hear a voice in my mind that seemed to be his. I laid my palm against my temple; it felt like their weren't any sounds in my head, but at the same time, I was hearing something that caused me to think of his words.

"When did you wake up?", I asked, immediately shaking my head as I pressed my eyes together; a sudden headache was pulsing through my bones, the pain so excruciating I wasn't able to look into the bright light anymore. "No, when did ... when did I wake up?"

There weren't any more sounds inside of my head, or maybe the throbbing feeling was just shutting them out, so I tried to open my eyes a second time; surprised to see that the intensity of the light had disappeared all of a sudden, leaving me in a kind of golden haze, I searched for Kihyun. But instead of another question, a gasp left my mouth as my vision cleared.

He was still sitting in front of me, but somehow it looked like the light was pulling him away from me. The threads were starting to connect, and they had laid themselves around his arms and torso, dragging him further towards the other side of the room. Still, it wasn't like he was changing his position; there were no proportions, no defined space, and I couldn't even tell where the light was coming from.

Kihyun's eyes were wide as he tried to come closer to me again, but the carpet was gone, his body being held by the strings of light as he reached out for me. His smile died down the moment he shook his head.

"We didn't wake up", something, someone, Kihyun told me. "We aren't in our room. Where ... where are we, Changkyun?"

"Are you ... are you saying this?", I asked him, the pain inside of my head spreading until it was blooming behind my eyes. "Is this your voice?"

I could see tears starting to well up in his eyes, even though I didn't understand why. I reached out for him, our hands touching even though he was so far away, but no feeling of touch on my fingertips. Instead, I felt pain shooting up my elbow, my eyes focusing on the blood dripping down my wrist, where a ray of light had cut me.

The blood fell down, but didn't disappear, like it was caught in the hands of someone, something I couldn't see right in front of me. Another spark of pain in my head, and I groaned, trying to rob closer to Kihyun on the floor, but the floor was gone.

I felt a falling motion in my limbs, noticing I was being hold up by the light cutting me, trying to get into my skull or trying to get out of it. It was so painful I didn't know what to hold onto, if even to hold onto something. I wanted to hold Kihyun's hand, but suddenly he seemed to be miles away, when he hadn't changed his position at all.

"Kihyun", his name passed my lips as my motions grew more desperate, my body trying to get closer to him, but I felt like I was swimming through drying concrete. He was so far away from me, and fear gripped my conscience as I realized I would never be able to reach him.

He let his hand sink, looking at me with an expression in his eyes that I couldn't name. Something inside of me was screaming for me to catch him, to hold him close, but it seemed like he was shaking his head. The light became more intense again all of a sudden, and even though the brightness made me tear up, I tried to keep my eyes open, a silent cry spilling out of my lips as I noticed the light was taking parts of him, his body disappearing and transforming into pieces of sunlight.

"Wait, no, Kihyun, I-", I tried to call out for him, but something was pulling me in the opposite direction. I felt something wrapping around my pinky, not with force but rather as a reassurance of holding on. It wasn't cutting me, it was warm and golden, holding me up even as all other light disappeared, my body falling.

"Changkyun", Kihyun said in my head, but his voice was changing, evolving, trembling but then growing stronger, a whimper becoming a firm tone and the cotton beneath my skull disappearing in the same way the feeling of falling suddenly stopped.

The pain in my head seemed to split, slipping further down my body as I began to feel something touching my hand. I could still feel the thread around my finger, the tightness of it around my skin almost calming; the weight on my body was becoming heavier, and then, just as if someone had turned off the light switch, all the brightness disappeared, leaving me in a haze of darkness.

"Changkyun." Someone was calling my name, but it wasn't Kihyun anymore. Parts of him had evolved into light, and everything else had vanished into the dark. I could feel something wet on my cheeks, trying to reach out with my hand for him, but my limps were so heavy I could barely move.

Something, someone was pulling my hand down softly. "Changkyun." It took me a second to notice the voice wasn't in my head anymore. It was around me, and I tried to put a name on it, but the headache was still too present in my skull to even think about it.

"K - Ki ..." It was my own voice that was trying to say his name, trying to find out why I wasn't able to see him anymore. I wanted to close my eyes and open them again, as I noticed they were closed already, something sticky keeping them together. Maybe I had just closed my eyes, and it was Kihyun holding my hand, but it wasn't his voice.

And suddenly, there were so many noises around me. I could feel them trying to dig into my head, my legs moving beneath the weight on top of them. I wanted to say more, but my mouth was so dry I could barely move my tongue. I tried to blink, my eyes opening; I needed to reach out for Kihyun before the light would take him away from me.

And then, my eyes were finally open, the light still blinding me although the brightness from before should have gotten me used to it. Everything was so blurry, so out of focus, but the proportions were there. My hands clenched around something soft as I noticed I was somewhere else; there was no carpet, no light. No Kihyun. There was white and blue and I lowered my hand to see what was so soft around my fingers, but before my glance could focus on it, something moving on my right drew my attention.

"Changkyun", someone said, and only slowly the realization that it was Jooheon who was speaking to me entered my conscience. I felt like all information about me and everything else had been taken away from me, and only now I was remembering that we existed at all.

"J-Jooheon?", I managed to ask, my brain finally recognizing the blanket beneath my fingers and on my legs and Jooheon's hand on mine. I blinked, his face only gradually appearing in front of my eyes as his right hand came up to stroke my shoulder. I felt overwhelmed by all the sensations.

"Changkyun, everything's fine", he told me, although the way his voice was breaking and another information stored in the back of my mind that I couldn't yet access told me nothing was fine. My heart seemed to skip a beat as I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. "I ... I already called a doctor, he will be here soon, just don't move too much, alright?"

"J-Jooheon, I ..." The dryness of my mouth made it difficult for me to speak, but this time it was the pain preventing me from voicing my thoughts. As I tried to turn my head, my hips shifting just slightly on the bed, I could feel a sharp pain shooting through my abdomen.

I pressed my eyes together, my expression changing as I bit on my tongue, and Jooheon pulled his hand away from my shoulder; I could see his glance shifting over my body as I peeked through my eyelids; he seemed like he didn't know what to do in order to make the pain stop.

"My ... my stomach", I whispered, feeling the cold pillow against my cheek as Jooheon's grip around my hand grew tighter.

"D-Don't worry", he tried to reassure me. "It will heal, they said it will all heal if you just rest and take your medicine and -"

"What happened?", I asked him. The more I tried to remember why I was feeling like this, the blurrier my memories seemed to become, like someone was pulling them away from me the same moment I was reaching out. I tried to focus, tried to distract myself from the dull, throbbing pain by looking around.

It looked like a hospital room, although I hadn't been in a hospital since I had been a child. Light was making its way into the room, the rays passing through the gaps between the closed blinds; although it was grey and cold, it reminded me of the golden, warm light I had seen before. I felt like I was missing something, like something was running through my fingers like sand in the wind, but I couldn't put a finger on it.

Jooheon's eyes grew slightly wider, like that was the question he had hoped I wouldn't ask. It made me feel uncomfortable, and I could barely hold back from not moving. The pain on the left side of my stomach, right above my hipbone was sharp and dull at the same time, making me feel sick as I tried to move my feet beneath the blanket. Even the action of curling my toes seemed to take an immense amount of energy.

His hand rested on mine as the other one played with the seam of the sheets. He opened his mouth, closed it again; he wasn't looking at me. "You ... you were stabbed. But they already operated on you, and they've been giving you pain killers for the last hour, so the pain should subside soon." He was speaking faster the more words passed his lips. "Y-Your mother is here, too. She actually was here five minutes ago, she just went to make a phone call and get a cup of coffee. Hyungwon and Wonho and well, everyone, they wanted to be here, too, but they aren't allowing more than two visitors at a time right after a surgery and you're still so weak, so they've been waiting outside. We were just waiting for you to wake up after the operation and ..."

He was talking, but his words were flowing through my conscience like water. I wasn't even sure if I was really understanding what he was saying. I had been stabbed. Of course. Slowly, the memory was starting to appear, and even though I couldn't remember any pictures yet, the pain spreading in my body was too vivid to completely forget. I breathed in sharply, recalling blood on my hands.

But something seemed so off. Something wasn't fine. Jooheon was still talking and I looked at him, at the way his eyes seemed to be missing something they always carried in them, the way his eyebags made it look like he hadn't slept at all. I had been stabbed, but the background, the pictures, it was all missing, leaving only the bitter taste on my tongue behind.

And suddenly, I had to think of what I had seen.

"Jooheon?", I asked, my voice quiet as he stopped talking, looking at me with a cautious glance.

"Jooheon, where is Kihyun?"

I didn't know why, but the room was so quiet for a second. It was quiet like both of us had stopped breathing just for a moment, until I noticed I had held my breath unconsciously. And then, Jooheon looked at me, and all I could suddenly feel was fear.

"He ...", Jooheon began, but I could see the way his hand was clenching around the blanket. "You should sleep a bit, Changkyun, alright? I ... Your mother will be back soon, and a doctor will check the wound. I promise, when you wake up it won't ... it won't hurt this much anymore, okay? And I will tell Hyungwon to drive to the dorm and get a few of your clothes and maybe some books and then ..."

Books. A picture flashed in front my eyes; books, novels, pages. Newspaper articles. Kihyun was crying, but I didn't understand why, and then, just a second later, it all seemed to hit me like ice cold water. I could feel his skin against mine, I could see his smile as he left me alone with my mother and I could hear his aunt's voice on the phone.

"Jooheon", I interrupted him another time, and the fear inside my chest was making my voice tremble. "Jooheon, tell me. Where is Kihyun?"

I could almost see him on the other side of my bed, like he was holding my hand and smiling at me. But the chair was empty, and the expression in Jooheon's eyes made me shiver. I noticed just what it was in his eyes that was so different: It was pain, and it was sadness. It was the happiness that was missing.

"You ... you really need to sleep, Changkyun", he tried to say another time, but I shook my head, ignoring the dizziness. His fingertips were pressing into my skin like he was trying to distract me, but I could see he was afraid. He looked down at my hand, quickly pulling his away, instead standing up to fix the blanket. "You had a really ... a really long operation and you need to take your medication and just-"

I sat up, reaching forward, stopping him as he wanted to pull the blanket up to my chin, the sudden motion making a spark of pain shoot through my nerves. I bit down on my lip, groaning, and Jooheon gasped for air, trying to support me by laying his hand on my back. "Changkyun!"

_"Changkyun!"_

I flinched, my eyes closing the moment every memory seemed to crash down on me. I could hear Kihyun screaming my name, and suddenly my hands were so sticky; I could see the blood running down my fingers and dripping from my fingertips, I could hear Kihyun trying to breathe in my ears, the fireworks, the noise. I could taste iron on my tongue, feel the cold air on my skin and see his eyes, searching for mine. And then, I heard the shot, heard it over his voice and all the other sounds.

My bottom lip was trembling, tears blocking my vision as I blinked. Jooheon was staring at me, his hand in the air between us like he wasn't sure what to do, and I raised my head, trying to look at him. I could feel wetness on my cheeks, my chest rising as I gasped for air.

"J-Jooheon", I whimpered, sobs beginning to break out of me, "W-Where is K-Kihyun? W-Why isn't he here? P-Please, tell me he is ... tell me he is okay, please, J-Jooheon, I, Kihyun, he, I need to-"

Words were trying to make their way out of my mouth, but I was shivering so hard I wasn't able to speak properly. The fear in every fiber of my body was so persistent I didn't even notice the pain as I sat up once more, reaching out for Jooheon, my fingers curling around his wrist.

He was starting to tear up, too. "Changkyun, don't ... I can't ... I can't just -"

"Kihyun", I cried, my grip around his wrist tightening, "Please tell me he is ..." I couldn't breathe. Something was blocking my lungs as I searched for air, looking at Jooheon although the only picture in front of my eyes were Kihyun's. "H-he j-just stopped breathing", I sobbed, my body shaking, fingernails digging into Jooheon's skin, "P-Please tell me he is ... he is alive. Tell me, Jooheon, please just say it, I need, I need you to say he isn't ..."

I couldn't voice it. My mouth refused to say the word, although it was hanging in the air between us like a shadow. And I looked at Jooheon, I looked at him, searching for a word, a glance that told me it wasn't real.

But he was crying. He was crying, tears rolling down his cheeks as he fell back onto the chair, his posture bent. His shoulders were rising and sinking, and I felt like my heart stopped beating. There was so much pain inside of me, but my voice was too weak to scream, and so my body just crumbled.

"He", Jooheon cried, his voice laced with tears, "He wasn't b-breathing when the a-ambulance arrived, and t-they tried to revive him on the way to the h-hospital, they've b-been operating on him for eleven hours now, I d-don't know if he will m-make it ... and-"

"Where is he?!", I almost screamed, my voice breaking halfway as I reached for the blanket, pulling it off my body, my vision so blurry I could barely see what I was doing. I was dressed in some hospital gown, bandage wrapped around my waist, but I ignored the pain as I moved my legs to the side, biting down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. My body was shaking with the force of my sobs, but the only thing I could focus on was the overwhelming fear inside of me, eating me up whole.

Jooheon stood up, running around the bed faster than I could react. "Changkyun, no, wait, you need to lie down and -"

"Kihyun", I cried out, my mind fogged with dizziness and probably all the medication they had given me, "I need to - I need to go to him, why didn't you w-wake me up?!"

"Changkyun, no, don't -" Jooheon sniffed as I tried to stand up, my knees buckling almost immediately. My legs felt as weak as if I hadn't walked for weeks. "H-He's getting surgery right now, you can't -"

"Leave me alone!", I shouted as he tried to reach for my arm. I almost stumbled as I stood up; something on my left elbow was holding me back, and my hands shivered as I looked at the injection needle in my skin. Every rational thought had vanished from my mind; all I could think about was Kihyun, his eyes, his smile, his voice, I just needed ... he wouldn't leave me. He couldn't leave me. He wouldn't do that to me, he would never do that to me, he just couldn't.

I reached for the rack on which the infusion was attached, the bag filled with a clear liquid. Jooheon tried to hold me back, but I used every power in my body to push him away, tumbling towards the window and then the door. My bare feet were cold against the floor. Pain was shooting up my spine, my wound throbbing.

"Changkyun!", Jooheon called out, his voice between panic and comfort. I shook his hand off my shoulder and I came closer to the door, my fingers gripping the door handle hard enough to make my knuckles turn white. "Stop! You can't - you need to lie down-"

"I need to", I panted, hissing through my teeth because of the pain, "get to him. Please, Jooheon, I -" I didn't feel like I could voice my thoughts anymore. The sedatives that was most likely still flowing through my blood were making my limbs feel so incredibly weak, yet my body refused to stop fighting against them.

Another sob broke out of my chest, my shoulders stuttering; even with my eyes open, all I could see was Kihyun, his lifeless body on the floor, and then his figure on some operation table. I felt a shiver run through my body, Jooheon holding me up. I couldn't leave him alone, I couldn't just leave Kihyun alone like this, I needed to show him I was here and that he had to ... he just had to ...

I opened the door, Jooheon's words of protest dying down as he was trying to follow me. I was moving as fast as I could, although I had no idea where to go exactly. My knees weren't as flexible as I was used to them being, and I tripped over my own feet every few steps; other patients and some nurses were staring at me as I limped down the hallway, my eyes squinted because of the bright artificial light, my hand holding on the infusion rack.

Jooheon was shouting something behind me, but I couldn't hear him. My eyes focused on the signs on the walls, showing me where I had to go. I might have been aware deep inside that what I was doing was absolutely stupid, I couldn't even read the blurry letters properly, my feet ice cold and my hand pressed against my wound, pain shooting through my body with every step.

But I could see Kihyun. I could see him, sitting on the carpet, bright light behind him, the light slowly taking him away, and the fear seemed to numb every other feeling in my chest. It suffocated me. It had to be a sole imagination. He wouldn't leave me. Kihyun would never leave me. Yesterday, we had woken up next to each other, his smile burned into my memory as he kissed me, I could still feel his lips on mine. And now, now he should lay on a cold metal table, without my hand in his and, and -

Jooheon managed to catch me the moment my knees buckled, his grip holding me up. I leaned against him, slowly getting on my feet again, the words in my ears becoming more clear as my tears smeared on his shirt.

"Changkyun, please, please sit down, I will call a doctor", he begged me but I shook my head, detaching my hands from shoulders and reaching for the rack with the infusion again, starting to walk around the corner and down another hallway, forcing him to accompany me. "I n-need to get to K-Kihyun", I responded, my voice trembling. The few people around us were looking at us, the way I stumbled, Jooheon's panicked expression on his face. Nothing of it all mattered.

The pain became worse with every step I took, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Everything around me was blurring, my view reduced to a tunnel of colours, forms and lights. The way seemed to be endless, my glance flickering over signs and people, faces and walls and chairs on which people were waiting. I should be waiting, too, I should be waiting for Kihyun to wake up. He was waiting for me, I knew that he was waiting for me.

But it's always the way you don't want it to be. If you are told not to think of a pink elephant, all you are going to think about is a pink elephant. And although I tried to close my eyes, to block it from my conscience, all I could suddenly see was a lifeless Kihyun. But not the Kihyun from before; not the one gasping for air, his warm hand in mine and a drop of blood running down his chin.

No, suddenly all I could see was a Kihyun dressed in a white button up shirt, his face so expressionless that one could think he was sleeping, except Kihyun never looked like this when sleeping. And then his hand would be all cold; not reaching for mine anymore. But it wasn't the worst thing I saw. I saw the school's hallways, everyone loud and everything normal, except he was missing, and I saw his empty chair in the classroom, and his bedsheets like no one had slept there for a long time.

Jooheon behind me called out something I couldn't decipher, because my legs were already giving out again, making me almost fall down onto the floor if it hadn't been for the pair of arms suddenly holding me up. It wasn't Jooheon, because he was standing right next to me now, the expression in his eyes breaking my heart. I was sat down on a chair, my wound aching at the movement, and immediately, a voice scolded me: "What do you think you are doing?"

I blinked, staring up the woman in front of me. A nurse, my brain said, but the only words leaving my mouth were: "Kihyun, I ... the operating room, I need to -"

"You need to sit down", the woman told me, proceeding to pull my legs up on the other chair, but I refused to lay down, my hand reaching out for Jooheon. "Jooheon, please", I sobbed, tears streaming down my face, "please, I need to go see him, please -"

Jooheon was looking at me, his hand softly embracing mine as he looked up finally, his glance apologizing. The nurse was staring at us with furrowed eyebrows, her expression softening as she looked at me. "Excuse me", he told her, "but we ... where is the operating room?"

"He shouldn't go anywhere right now", she protested, her voice already gentler, "he should be getting infusions right now. If he keeps on walking, the stitches are going to rip open and -"

"Please", Jooheon whispered, his words begging by now. "The boy with which he came here in the morning hours ... where is he?"

The nurse looked at me, at Jooheon and then back at me. I could see something changing in her eyes. "You ... you were the one who got here in the same ambulance as ...?" I saw that she wanted to continue with her sentence, but she didn't. I didn't know if I wanted to know what her next words would've been.

"I n-need to be with him", I stuttered, my lips trembling so much it was hard for me to speak. Jooheon's hand had to be hurting by now considering with how much force I was holding onto him.

The nurse kept looking at me. I could see in her eyes she was about to say something about me having to lie down, that it was absolutely stupid to walk around like this coming right out of an operation, but maybe it was the way I was crying or the way my whole body was trembling, I couldn't recall what I had really looked like thinking about it later, but something about me made her change her words.

"Don't stand up again", she told me as she crossed the hallway and went to get a wheelchair that was placed next to a row of chairs. Jooheon helped me to get up, his arms supporting me as I sat down in the wheelchair, his hands placing my feet on the footrest.

"The operating room is still a few hallways away", she told me, and I could hear the shivers in her voice. It made me feel anxious. "You can't go inside, but you can wait in front of it, okay? Just promise you're not going to walk around again."

I nodded, anything, anything to get closer to Kihyun. I couldn't leave him alone. Why did I pass out? Why did they even operate on me before talking to me? They had separated us; I could still feel his hand slipping out of mine as they had pulled me back. He was somewhere, somewhere I couldn't see him, couldn't be with him, and the sole thought of light taking him away from me was making me so scared I could barely breathe.

People, patients, doctors, nurses, rooms and other for me unimportant things passed by my eyes as Jooheon pushed my wheelchair down the hallways, the nurse leading us the way. My heart was anxiously beating in my chest, and I clenched my hands to fists as I asked: "W-who can I ask for K-Kihyun? I-Is there anyone I c-can -"

"You'll have to wait until someone leaves the operating room", the nurse explained, her voice laced with an unspoken apology. "Here, you can sit down here."

Jooheon sat down on one of the chairs next to the automatic doors separating us from the rooms behind them after having placed my wheelchair next to it. I reached for his hand, my fingers closing around his in an attempt to calm myself down. The nurse gently smiled at me.

"I will bring you some pain killers, okay?" She directed her glance to the bandage around my waist, visible through the hospital gown. "If it starts bleeding again, you will tell me, alright? I'll get you some medicine."

Jooheon nodded, mumbling something along the words of thank you, but I couldn't even react. My glance was fixated on the doors to the operating room, my brain torn between the wish someone would come out to tell me what was happening, and the fear of hearing what I didn't want to hear if they did. I hadn't even processed her words; I didn't care about my wound. I was hurting, but I could barely feel the pain.

It seemed like Jooheon was talking to me, but I couldn't listen to him. His words were like water. I couldn't focus on any of them, not even on the way his hand was tightening around mine. I didn't have any more attention left to give.

The nurse wasn't back yet when the door opened for the first time since we had arrived in front of it. I didn't know how much time had passed; seconds, minutes or maybe even an hour. The by now duller throbbing in my abdomen lit up again as I jumped up from my chair, the sudden motion making me cry out in pain. Jooheon gasped, pulling me down immediately, making sure I sat down again, but I shook my head, attempting to stand up once more.

"Are you okay?", the doctor next to us, who had just left the operating room asked, still dressed in surgical gown. "Aren't you the boy who was operated earlier? What are you doing here, you should be -"

"There w-was a boy with m-me", I cried, my fingertips pressing so hard into my palms it started to hurt. "H-He is being o-operated right now, r-right? I ... I need to know if he will ... if he will ..."

I couldn't even voice my question. Sobs were breaking out of my chest in a way that made it impossible for me to speak, and the doctor looked up at Jooheon with a worried glance.

"There was another boy who came with the same ambulance", Jooheon explained, doing his best to maintain a stable voice. "I think the ... the other boys who were the, the ones who called the ambulance, they told the paramedics his name was Yoo Kihyun. The ... the boy who was shot, we were told he was still getting surgery. Do ... do you know anything about that?"

The doctor looked at me again, his eyes telling me he was searching for the right words. And suddenly I was so afraid, so afraid my lungs seemed to be on fire. I wanted to close my eyes, to not listen to him, to go back to my dream in which Kihyun had been there, talking to me, to go back in time or not exist at all.

"I was the doctor in charge until now", he explained, speaking slowly as if to calm us down. "Are you his family?"

Jooheon looked at me. Had they already contacted his aunt? Was I even allowed to see him? More tears were welling up in my eyes, my body shivering.

"He's his brother", Jooheon suddenly lied; I could only stare at him. "We've already called their aunt earlier while both of them were in surgery, but because of the bad reception here we've only got her on the phone two hours ago, and she's stuck in traffic."

The doctor nodded. He was observing me like he could guess we were lying; if he knew my name, he surely did. But then he just closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them again, I could see he would tell us. Maybe it was the way I was crying that convinced him.

"He was admitted shortly after midnight, so we've been operating on him for about eleven hours now", he explained. "It's a very complicated operation because the bullet damaged his lungs, making him lose a lot of blood. However, the worst thing isn't the blood loss, but his heart."

I bit back a sob, closing my eyes as if I could ignore the reality by not looking at him. My hands were sweaty, my heartbeat too fast, way too fast.

"His lungs collapsed, so his heart stopped working, too. When the ambulance arrived, he wasn't breathing anymore. They managed to reanimate him, but his lungs were so heavily damaged he wasn't able to breathe for himself. We had to put him under artificial respiration. Because his brain has been without oxygen for two or three minutes at least, we don't know how much damage there is in other parts of his body, especially in his brain." It seemed like he was stating facts, but with every word, there was only Kihyun.

He inhaled, humming softly. "We're almost finished with the operation and managed to get the bullet out of his body without causing further damage. Unfortunately, he suffered a heart attack during the operation. We think it was caused by a septic shock from the bullet."

I couldn't even look at him, the words ringing in my ears. Maybe Jooheon's expression told him to go on explaining, because he continued: "A sepsis is a severe blood poisoning. We managed to prevent an organ failure through infusions and antibiotics, but because of the eventual brain damage and the surgery on his lungs, we had to put him into an artifical coma. That means he isn't breathing on his own, he's under anesthesia and a mixture of painkillers, combined with infusions."

I couldn't stop my sobs, no matter how hard I tried. His words didn't make any sense in my ears, even though I knew what they meant. I didn't feel like I could breathe, my wound starting to bleed again, the pain sharper than before. I clung onto Jooheon's arm, both of them looking at me as I whimpered: "I-Is he g-going to ... t-to ... s-surivi-vive?"

I begged for him to say yes. I begged every god and every ounce of faith out there for him to say yes. I would've given everything for it.

But he didn't. He looked at me, sympathy and pity evident in his eyes, and shook his head.

"I don't want to lie to you", he said, his voice like a knife in my ears. "A sepsis, collapse of the lungs as well as a heart attack during such a long time of an operation is ... we don't know how high his chance of survival is. Another heart attack could be lethal, and it isn't unlikely to happen."

Maybe it was the pain in my stomach, the pain in my chest or the one in my head. I didn't differentiate them anymore; it was all on big clump of pain, eating me up from the inside. I felt like I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't exist anymore. How should I live with this? How should I live if Kihyun - if he - if he -

"Changkyun!" It wasn't Kihyun's voice that was shouting my name as my eyes closed, and so I didn't care. It was hard to breathe if your lungs were on fire, and suddenly I remembered Kihyun's signs and my mother's words.

He said you shouldn't worry about him for as long as he is breathing.

My sobs were blocking my respiration, and so I held onto Jooheon as my body went limp. It took me a few seconds to lose consciousness, I guessed. I wished for it to happen sooner, though a part of me was fighting against it, because I needed to be with Kihyun, I needed to wait for him to be done with surgery. But maybe my mind couldn't bear it much longer; maybe I just wanted to go back to the soft golden light and Kihyun.

Except I didn't. There was no light; just a black, scary darkness as my conscience disappeared.

__________________________________________________________

"Changkyun."

The second time I woke up, a lot of things were different. I was neither Kihyun nor Jooheon who was saying my name. It was a soft voice, quiet, gentle. It sounded like the voice of someone trying to breathe the word while standing more than a distance away from me. It sounded like noise wrapped in cotton, and I wished for my mind to float on it for just a second longer, too.

But it didn't; I didn't need a reminder of what had happened, because this time, everything rushed into my conscience as soon as my vision cleared. It was Wonho who had been saying my name, and was still saying it, almost like something I could hold onto.

"He's waking up", I could hear someone say, and blurry figures to my right were moving. The next thing I felt were hands in mine, warm skin against my fingertips. I turned my head, my mouth dry, looking at Wonho. He was sitting on a chair next to my bed, and even though I tried not to notice, I could see his cheeks were stained with dried tears.

"Hey", someone else whispered, and I looked to my right; Hyungwon was softly smiling at me, the expression not reaching his eyes. I opened my mouth, because I wanted to say something, but my tongue was too dry to move. As Hyungwon noticed my struggles, he quickly reached for something on the table, and I was handed a glass of water.

My hands were so weak he had to help me to hold it up and bring it to my mouth. I drank a few sips, almost choking on the water, but it was because of the sobs breaking out of my chest. As Hyungwon pulled the glass away, I could see him staring at me with a worried expression; Jooheon and Hyunwoo were sitting at the table opposite to the bed, and were about to stand up.

"Changkyun ...", Wonho whispered as I cried, reaching for a tissue, but I detached my hands and pressed them against my face. It was like I hadn't lost consciousness at all; my body was shaking the same way it had done before, and it was so hard for me to breathe.

"You'll be fine, okay?", Hyungwon reassured me, a tint of helplessness in his voice. "It shouldn't hurt that much anymore. The nurse told us there are a lot of painkillers in your infusions, and it has already stopped bleeding again."

"How l-long was I ...?", I sobbed through my fingers, although another question was laying much heavier on my tongue. I didn't know how to say it. I was so afraid of the answer. I had never been more afraid of anything.

"Just a few hours", Wonho responded and I blinked, noticing the dimmed light falling through the blinds in front of the window. The room seemed so much colder, so much darker than before, although a lamp on the table had been turned on.

I turned to the side, pulling my knees a bit up to my chest, the movement barely hurting. My mind was clouded with sedatives, but they didn't numb the feelings in my chest. Maybe if I just closed my eyes, I could forget all of this was happening. But then, I saw Kihyun in front of my eyes and guilt shot through me like an arrow.

"I-Is ...", I began, whimpering into the pillow. "I-Is K-Kihyun ... is he ... is he s-still ...?"

Silence. Nobody answered for a moment. I felt my heart drop; every fiber of my body began to hurt, a pain much worse than anything I had ever experienced before, and I grabbed the pillow tighter, my knees touching my chest. "No", I cried out, my voice too high, "no, no, no, h-he can't, he c-can't –"

"He's in a coma", Hyungwon said, his voice speaking the words so fast I could barely register them. "They ... they finished the surgery, but they put him into an artificial coma."

Tears were running down my cheeks. "He is still", I cried out, reaching forward for Hyungwon's arm, my eyes locking with his, "He's still a-alive? He hasn't – he hasn't – Kihyun is ...?"

Hyungwon nodded, the movement almost desperate, and I could see his eyes glistening with tears. I gasped for air, my heart clenching inside of my chest; my fingertips were pressing on his wrist as I asked: "W-when will he w-wake up?"

"We don't know yet", Hyunwoo responded. He had stood up and dragged his chair closer to the bed, so that he was sitting at the end of it now. "They told us he had to be put in a coma because he still ... he still isn't breathing." Hyunwoo lowered his glance. "We were said it's done so that his body can heal faster."

I looked at Hyunwoo; the way he wasn't looking me in the eye made me feel like there was something he wasn't telling me. I wanted to ask him, but was interrupted by Jooheon.

"The doctor told us it's a good sign he ... he surived the surgery so far." He bit on his lip. "But they don't know how long he will have to stay in that artificial coma. He ... he has to get through the next few days first."

I sat up a bit, wiping the tears off my face, although I physically couldn't stop crying. But I had to be strong for this; they would never let me see him if I could barely hold myself up.

"When can I see him?", I asked, my voice trembling. "Can I see him now?"

Wonho next to me shook his head. "It's too late. He's in the intensive care unit, and he can only get two hours of visit per day. His aunt was here to see him, too, but she was only allowed a few minutes."

"She wanted to see you, too", Jooheon explained. "But you didn't wake up, and so we told her we could take care of you."

I nodded, slowly; I was kind of grateful I didn't have to talk to Kihyun's aunt. What should I tell her? What should I say to her if she asked me how all of this had happened? It was my fault Kihyun had to go through all of this, he had to lie somewhere while a machine was breathing for him ...

I pressed the back of my hand against my mouth, my body shaking. I couldn't leave him alone like this. I couldn't just lie here and pretend everything was alright when we were still hoping he would survive this. Because even though the others tried to smile, choosing their words as carefully as if they were defusing a bomb, I could tell nothing was okay at all.

"I need to go s-see him", I managed to get out, already reaching out for my blanket, but Wonho laid his fingers around my wrist.

"Changkyun, no", he replied softly, "you can't right now. You have to get better yourself. You can't just –"

"I can't just lie here and rest when Kihyun is somewhere else, a-all alone and n-not even ..." I bit down on my lip, more tears spilling out, but I was interrupted by the door opening.

The others looked up, too, our glances focusing on the nurse entering my room. It was the same woman from before, her black hair in a neat bun on top of her head. As she saw me crying, she smiled gently, nodding in the direction of the others.

"Dinner!", she announced almost a bit too happily, placing the tray with food on the table. Her glance glid over the other four boys, and an apologizing expression appeared on her face. "I am sorry", she excused herself, "but the visiting hours are over now. You can come back tomorrow after lunch."

Wonho turned around to look at me, his hand holding mine. I registered it, but it didn't change the pain in my chest. Still, as they got up, all I wanted to do was scream for them to stay.

"Hey, I've placed your phone on the bedside table, here, okay?", Jooheon told me and pointed at it. "Just text me. Please. I'm here, alright? We will be back tomorrow afternoon. I'll bring a bag with your clothes, books and –"

"No books", I whispered, and he looked at me like he could guess why I was saying this. I just couldn't stand the thought of anyone touching Kihyun's books when he didn't know about it.

"Okay, no books." A comforting, yet sad smile appeared on his face. "Call me whenever you need me, okay? Even at night."

I nodded, sniffing and trying my best to hold back my tears. Wonho was gently stroking my arm and as they finally let go, I felt empty inside. Suddenly everything seemed to crash down onto me. How should I get through this night? I just needed to be with Kihyun. I just –

"Your friend has just woken up", the nurse suddenly said, pulling me out of my thoughts, and I almost flinched. A very tiny part of me was screaming that she meant Kihyun, but I knew it wasn't possible; no matter how much I would've given for it to be like this.

Jooheon turned around to look at me; the expression in his eyes told me he knew just what I was thinking of, and I could see him hesitating, almost as if he didn't want to destroy my hopes. Then, he said: "Minhyuk. He ... He was the one who called the ambulance, he ran to our rooms and told us what had happened. I think he said something about being on a phone call with you, but I can't really remember." A sad smile appeared on his lips. "He can't stand seeing blood. Don't worry about him, he just lied down to rest a bit. We'll take care of him."

I flinched. Pain about the hope already known to be false mixed with guilt inside of me. Right, I had been on the phone with Minhyuk during all that had happened; he had been able to listen to everything while my phone had been in my pocket, and somehow I didn't believe the blood was the only thing that had caused him to feel like this.

"Tell him I'm sorry", I said, lowering my glance onto my hands buried in the blanket. The room was silent for a second, and as I looked up again, Jooheon nodded.

I don't really remember what they said to me; I am sure Wonho said something about me having to eat for my body to heal faster, and maybe one of them tried to make a half-hearted joke although we all knew we wouldn't be able to laugh. I didn't know what to feel when they left. I didn't have to hold up my posture anymore, falling down onto the pillow with my eyes closed, but I felt even more alone now.

"Here", the nurse interrupted my thoughts, helping me to place the tray in front of me. It smelled like food, and normally my stomach should've longed for something to eat, but I felt like I would much more likely throw up.

"I can't eat right now", I whispered, staring at the meal without taking in what it even consisted of. She looked at me, a sigh leaving her lips, but she didn't say anything about it.

"Your mother was here", she instead told me, sitting down on the chair next to the bed. "She waited the whole day, but your friends told her to go home. I thought you should know. She said she'd come back tomorrow."

I swallowed. "I don't know if I can ... if I can see her right now." My voice was quiet, but my thoughts so loud in my head. It wasn't like any of this was her fault; it was me who should've never let Kihyun go alone, no matter if she had wanted to speak to me or not. Still, some part of me was angry with her; I feared she would be supported in her opinion about love being a hurtful thing.

Because, god, something inside of me hurt so much right now. I didn't even notice I had started crying once more, and then the nurse asked: "You aren't his brother, right?"

I looked up with wide eyes, but she just smiled. "I overheard a conversation between your mother and your doctor earlier. Don't worry, that won't have any consequences. It was obvious by your names." The look in her eyes was gentle. "Who is he?"

I pressed my hands against my knees over the blanket. "My boyfriend."

I couldn't remember if I had ever said it like this. Sure, we had both known it, our friends had known it and even Mrs Lee had, surely; but speaking it out loud like this felt different. It reminded me all of this was real, and that I couldn't just pretend I was caught in some bad dream. Somehow, it made it all worse.

"I'm sorry", was the only thing she said, even though there was clearly no reason for her to be sorry. It made me feel anxious; like she was apologizing for something I didn't yet know, and so I asked: "D-do you know when he will wake up?"

She looked at me for a second before directing her glance onto her lap, shaking her head. "Even if I did, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you. I think his aunt told the doctors something about her giving the permission to let you know, but I'm not a doctor."

I nodded, not really sure what to respond. I wanted to know everything about Kihyun and his condition, but on the other hand I wasn't so sure if I would be able to understand it; all that counted for me was him being alive, and waking up so that I could hear his voice a second time.

A sob broke out of my chest. "He doesn't s-speak, you know?" Somehow I felt the need to tell this somebody, anybody. "He ... he's mute. And when all of that happened, a-and his father was about to hurt me, he ... he suddenly called out my name."

I could hear his voice so clearly in my head like he had said my name just a second ago. I didn't know how to describe it; it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard, and the fact it was my name on his lips was the one thing destroying me the most.

We sat there for a few seconds. Maybe she said something to me, but my mind was so focused on the voice inside of my head I couldn't register it. Only when she stood up, I was teared out of my trance, and raised my head.

"You really should eat something", she told me, pointing at the food. "Your body needs it. The faster you heal, the faster you'll be able to take care of him, okay?"

"How ... how does he eat? In a coma?", I whispered, my mind not to sure if I wanted to know it.

She thought about it for a second. "If he's in a coma, then there's a tube to give him the nutrients."

Suddenly I had even less appetite, my stomach hurting in a way that told me I wasn't too far away from throwing up. "Okay."

"Try to rest, alright?" I appreciated the way she was so kind to me, but it was hard for me to respond. I just nodded, my glance still on the food.

She was almost about to leave, as I suddenly called out: "Wait!" Her glance was warm as she turned around, tilting her head, waiting for more.

"Can I ...", I began, although I basically knew the answer. "Can I see him? Please?"

She inhaled, and her eyes looked so sad all of a sudden. "I don't think that's possible", she tried to explain, "because for the intensive care unit, the rules are even stricter. I will make sure you get to see him tomorrow, okay?"

I didn't know what to respond. What should I say to her to make her understand there was absolutely no way I could eat, sleep, even exist without being with him? The thought of him lying in a bed, alone, not even breathing on his own, in a room as cold and dark as this one made me want to cry even more.

I sat in my bed, staring at the food in front of me, even a long time after she had left. Light from outside, probably the light of the streetlamps in front of the window, was painting the room with shadows and stripes in a deep orange. On the other side of the door, I could hear people walking by sometimes, the sound of wheelchairs on the floor or voices echoing in my ears. The room was so empty; the only thing on the table was my phone. Even my clothes were gone. Probably they had thrown them out because of all the blood on them.

Kihyun's blood.

I didn't want to cry, but there was no way not to. Was I allowed to cry if it was Kihyun who had been hurt this badly? The doctor's words were preventing my mind from thinking about anything else; I could only repeat them over and over, until they were a mixture of syllables making no sense to me.

He had had a heart attack. A heart attack while I had been sleeping in this room, not even knowing what was going on. Lying somewhere, without a hand in his, his body just cold on some operation table, he had had to go through all of this. And it was solely my fault; if I hadn't let him go alone, if I hadn't let him get shot, if I hadn't been so out of my mind to scream instead of trying to do something, anything, nothing of this would've happened.

It was so unfair. He had had to go through so much, through so much problems, and still it was me sitting in this bed right now, breathing on my own. Why couldn't it just be the other way around? Kihyun would've known what to do in such a situation, god, he always knew what to do. And yet, it was me who was getting better, and him not even knowing if he would survive this night.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't sit here and eat and sleep and pretend things would be alright when I woke up. I was so afraid, so goddamn afraid of what would happen the morning after. I was so afraid of what expression the nurse would wear on her face when entering the room. What if she would look sad? What if I would look into her eyes and know what had happened without her even having to tell me?

I reached for the tray, placing it on the table and throwing the blanket off of me. My actions were so hectic I almost managed to let it fall down. I didn't care what they said; I would be as close to Kihyun as I was able to, even if I would have to sit in front of his room all night. I had to know what happened with him, I just had to show him I was here, and that I wouldn't let him go. He had to stay, he just had to.

There were slippers placed next to my bed. At least my feet weren't as cold as before, but the air still seemed to be freezing as I stood up, walking towards the door. In an upright position, I noticed my wound a lot more than before. It didn't hurt as much as it had this morning, but I guessed that was because of the painkillers. Still, my stomach was throbbing where the bandage was pressing against my skin. The sole thought of knives and other metal instruments in my body made me feel sick, and the thought of Kihyun ...

The urge to throw up was growing so rapidly I had to stop my movements for a second, my hand on the door handle; I knew I should lie down, sleep and rest, but how could I? How should I do anything? I wasn't so sure if I wanted the world to stop moving for a second, a minute, maybe even an hour, just to have a chance to think without this persistent fear clawing at my heart; or if maybe I wanted it all to pass faster, to make a day become a second in order to skip all of this pain.

But I didn't know how my world would look like tomorrow; and while I had always thought of the uncertainty of life as an opportunity to change things, it frightened me more than anything right now. I couldn't change things; whatever I did, I couldn't go back in time or make Kihyun and me switch; I couldn't do anything for him right now, and the helplessness was making me dizzy.

"Your husband should be able to be discharged in two or three weeks", I heard someone say as I opened the door to the hallway and stepped out of my room. Walking was easier than before; I wasn't lacking so much energy anymore. Still, I felt like walking through still wet concrete. At the end of the hallway, I could see a doctor and a woman standing and talking. Their words were clearly audible no matter the distance between us; I felt a sharp pain in my heart. How I wished for someone to tell me these words.

Fear was it that carried me through the hospital; nurses were looking at me with attentive glances, but nobody said anything. There were almost no patients or visitors in the hallways anymore. As I passed by a clock, I could see it was shortly before midnight.

I stopped; my feet just came to an halt, refusing to walk any further. If I didn't concentrate on something else, I could still hear the fireworks in my ears, mixed with the sounds of Kihyun gasping for air. I didn't think I'd ever get them out of my head again.

I forced myself to keep walking; if it was Kihyun in my position, he would know what to do. He would know where to go, what to say, what to think. But I wasn't him; and I didn't know if it was selfish wishing for us to switch places. Would he worry about me just like I worried about him? I didn't care; I just wanted him to be fine. He needed to be fine. He had to be.

Signs on walls and doors led me to the intensive care unit. I had never been in a hospital before, at least not since I had been a child, and that had been such a long time ago that I could barely remember anything. When I arrived in front of it, not remembering how many hallways I had actually passed, bold letters over the door told me where I was heading.

But I wasn't allowed to go inside; I would've tried, but the doors demanded an ID card during the night. And so I sank down on the chair next to the doors, pulling my knees closer to my chest onto the chair, burying my face in the crook of my elbows.

I still wasn't seeing him, but now at least I didn't have the fear of missing anything anymore. I was here, and I hoped that somehow he knew that I was waiting to see him. . He did have to know, somehow. I couldn't stand the thought of him being alone. He had been so afraid of being alone ever since I had met him.

I could remember how I had thought he was deaf at first; what had he thought, hearing me say to Wonho that I thought he was cute? I had been so embarrassed back then; now I just wished to go back in time and do a lot of things differently. I would tell him, openly, because if I had done it we maybe wouldn't be here now.

But thinking about all the things that had led to this situation didn't help us in any way. They made me feel even more helpless; like I had lost all my chances to change something. They made me feel like I was sitting on a chair in front of the intensive care unit in a hospital so silent I felt like something horrible had happened without me noticing.

I tried not to think about anything, but not to fall asleep at the same; the latter wasn't too difficult considering I couldn't imagine sleeping ever again. I didn't know what I planned on doing. I felt so lost, and the only person able to guide me wasn't by my side. Somehow I thought of just staying there until the morning. What other choice did I have? I wouldn't go back, not in that cold, quiet room so far away from Kihyun. I needed to be as close to him as possible.

Only after a while I began to notice it probably wouldn't be possible for me to do this. At least my body was refusing to cooperate; somehow my wound had started bleeding again. I could tell from the wet feeling on my skin, the sharp pain in my stomach and the red spot on the bandage, gradually growing bigger and beginning to colour the hospital gown as well.

Maybe it was the resignation, but I couldn't really bring myself to care about it for now. Who cared about a bit of blood if other people were ... weren't even breathing? I couldn't stop thinking about it; he just had to be okay. He wouldn't do this to me. He was just in that coma to go easy on his body and the healing process. When they decided it was enough, he would start breathing again, right? He would wake up.

He would, right?

My fingertips were digging into the palms of my hands, a sigh escaping my lips as I leaned my cheek against my knee. I felt so tired, but I doubted my mind would be able to rest. Also, what if something happened? What if something ...?

"There you are!"

My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice in my ears; as I looked up, I could see the nurse from earlier running towards me, a worried look on her face.

"What do you think you're doing?", she asked me, and I could hear a tint of disappointment in her voice. She probably wasn't used to her patients wandering around the hallways in the middle of the night.

I didn't know what to say to make her understand. "I can't leave him alone", I responded, my voice quieter than I had intended. Her glance softened a bit at my words; she sat down next to me, and I could see she was carrying a box of pills in her hands.

"You can't just stay here", she told me, an almost apologizing tone in her voice. "I wanted to bring you painkillers and you weren't in your room. I figured you'd be here, but ... you can't just stay the whole night when -"

Her glance lowered onto the bandage around my waist; immediately, her eyes widened, a surprised gasp escaping her lips. I looked down, too, only to see the blood had by now created a big red stain on the fabric.

"This isn't ..." I could see and hear how torn she was between scolding me and understanding my intentions. "This isn't going to heal if you don't lie down. You had an operation, you can't just ... what's your name?"

"Changkyun", I whispered.

"You can't just spend the night like this, Changkyun." She sighed, standing up again. "Come on, please go back to your room. I need to give you an infusion. You'll just pass out again if you keep on walking around. You need to take care of yourself."

"I can't take care of myself if there's nobody who's taking care of him!", I responded, my voice getting louder. I didn't mean to shout, but the frustration didn't leave me any choice. "He's just ... I don't know, he's in there, all alone, and I can't even see him! I'm the one who is to blame for all that happened to him, yet I can't ... I just don't know what to do."

She looked at me, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. There was something stuck in my throat, and no matter how hard I tried to swallow it down, it wouldn't get out of there.

"Why should you be to blame?", she asked, confusion and comfort in her voice, but I shook my head, my hands shivering.

"It's all my fault", I whispered, unconsciously raising my shoulders. "If I had taken more care of him, if I hadn't been so focused on ignoring everthing around us, if I hadn't let him go alone, if I hadn't done all of these things, maybe he would be sitting next to me right now." I couldn't hinder the tears from falling down. "I wish it was me lying in there."

"Changkyun." She was saying my name so softly I could almost forget my last words. "Why are you saying something like this? It wasn't you who -"

I wanted to listen to her words, to hear what she had to say, to hold onto the hope she could be right, but she was interrupted by a loud noise. Maybe it just seemed so loud because the hallways around us were so quiet, but it was like an explosion in my ears. I tried to decipher what it meant, because it kind of sounded like the siren of an ambulance, but less shrill and monotonous. But I had never heard it before.

"Oh no", was the only thing she suddenly whispered after we had been listening to the noise for a few seconds, and then she jumped from the chair, looking at me with wide eyes.

"Stay here!", she told me, quickly running away, her figure disappearing and becoming smaller with every step she took. I was frozen on my chair, only now noticing the sound was coming from behind the doors of the intensive care unit, and then, as I raised my head again, I could already see a few people dressed in white run down the hallway.

I couldn't move, my glance following the doctors as the rushed into the rooms next to me. The sound didn't vanish, instead I could suddenly hear people shouting orders and strange medical terms I had never heard before. I didn't even think of anything; I didn't know what I expected to happen, but I flinched as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I turned around, my glance meeting the nurse's eyes; I could recognize the panicked expression in them, and my heart dropped. She looked like she wanted to say something, but then I could see her glance focusing on something behind me; as I wanted to turn around, she reached for my shoulders, preventing me from doing so.

"Don't", she whispered, her voice drowned out by the voices of the doctor's behind me, and suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Don't look."

If she had really wanted to keep me from looking at it, her words just achieved the opposite. The way the corners of her mouth were twitching, almost as if she was about to cry, the way she was looking at me with something that seemed like pity in her eyes, it all made me think that what she was speaking about was ...

No.

I pushed her hands away, turning around in my chair, standing up as if my legs were doing it by themselves; my glance fell on the doctors behind me. They were busy talking and looking at something still not visible for me. The words I could make out were enough to make my blood freeze in my veins, and then, one of them took a step to the side, and I could see it. Him.

"Kihyun!", I cried out, taking a step forward, but she held me back; my eyes focused on the figure in front of me, lying on one of the gurneys. It was Kihyun. I could see his face, his closed eyes, the way his hair touched his forehead; but he was so pale, his lips so blue, closed around a plastic tube, and he looked so lifeless a sob broke out of me as I took another step forward, and another -

They were screaming something at each other, a tint of panic in their voices, and began moving the bed down the hallway, leading Kihyun farther away from me. He was just lying there, not moving, hands on his body and words in the air around him, and I cried out his name another time, trying to run after him. They were moving so fast now, bringing him somewhere else and I couldn't keep up, pain shooting up my spine.

"No, Changkyun, stop!", she called out behind me, getting a grip on my arm, but I still tried to follow him. The words were too present in my ears. Sobs were tearing me apart. "No, Changkyun, you can't - stop it, you need to -"

"He's d-dying", I sobbed, my steps becoming smaller, the growing pain too much to bear. "He is dying! Did you hear wh-what they said?! I ... I need to, shit I need to ... no, please, I need to be with him and ... no, I need to ..."

I couldn't speak anymore. Softly, she led me to another row of chairs further away from the doors, trying to make me look at her. "You need to breathe, Changkyun, please, breathe."

_Kihyun, I ... You can't ... breathe, okay, just breathe, I beg you, please - please, K-Kihyun, breathe -_

"He - he -" I didn't find any other syllables on my tongue; I couldn't breathe, couldn't think anymore, the only words in my mind were the words of the doctors.

Operation.

Narcosis.

Heart attack.

I wanted to stand up again, I needed to - I needed to follow him. I couldn't leave him alone. Because he wouldn't leave me alone, right? He wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't die. He couldn't die. He wouldn't do this to me. He would never leave me alone.

Kihyun would never leave me alone like this.

"He will ... he won't die", I whispered, my voice growing louder through my tears as my body was shaking. "He won't die, right? He can't die. He wouldn't just die like this, I mean, yesterday, he smiled at me, he just can't ... he won't go, right? Please. P-please tell me he won't go."

I was begging by now, by fingertips digging into the nurse's wrist, but she could only look at me, tears threatening to fall out of her eyes. I felt my heart breaking inside of my chest, gasping for air. What were they doing to him right now? What if he ... what if he died without me knowing?

No. He couldn't die.

"H-he can't die", I sobbed, pressing my hands against my face. "T-They told me he would be fine if he's put in a coma, a-and that he ... that it was a g-good sign he survived the surgery a-and ..."

She didn't respond. I didn't know what to think anymore; had they lied to me? Was it sure he would die? But he wouldn't leave me alone, no, no, not Kihyun - I had seen him, I had seen him in my dreams, and he had wrapped that string of golden light around my pinky as if he was making a promise; he had to wake up. He couldn't leave me here and go.

But then I remembered how the light had taken him away from me. And maybe I really couldn't breathe anymore.

I don't know how long we sat there; I needed someone to tell me he was alive. I needed someone to tell me he would stay. She was whispering soft words into my ear, but I couldn't understand any of them. All I could see was Kihyun, over and over again. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything for him and it was making me go crazy-

The only movement after an eternity of wishing for him to be okay was her standing up; I barely moved, letting my head rest again my knees. The fear was eating me alive, and as I heard her talking to somebody, I felt like my heart stopped beating.

I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know. I couldn't take it. I needed him to be okay. I needed him to be alive. He was mine, he was my Kihyun. How should I ever survive if he didn't?

"Hey", her soft voice said once again and I felt a hand on my shoulder. Only reluctantly, I looked up, my blurry vision focusing on the doctor in front of me. I looked at him, and then at her, and I didn't know what to think. My whole body was aching with fear and the need to throw up for real this time.

"Mrs Yoo gave us the permission to tell you about her nephew", the doctor told me and only now I recognized it was the same one from before. Had he come to tell me that Kihyun was ...? He ... no. He had wanted to get something from his room or tell me he was still alive or -

"I am very sorry", he said, and a part of me died. "But he suffered another heart attack."

I nodded, a very slow motion, as if I wanted to drag the impossible words out longer. I felt like I would pass out. I wanted to pass out. I wanted to so badly.

"We had to operate him a second time", he explained, standing in front of me, and my mind seemed to scream at me how he was able to be so calm considering what he was talking about.

I bit down on my lip as he continued. "The antibiotics as well as the sepsis damaged his heart a lot. We ... we don't know ... when he will be able to breathe again."

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Is he ...?" I couldn't finish the sentence. My mouth refused to as I raised my head. His last words had given me a bit of hope, but I still remembered how he had said a second heart attack would most likely be lethal.

The doctor looked at me. "He survived the operation until now, but we don't know if his heart will be able to take the medicine. He is very strong so far. The chances of survival for a second operation were less than a third, but he made it. However, there's a very high risk for the next few days."

Tears were running down my face; I could taste salt on my tongue. "S-so", I dared to gasp, "he- he will survive? If he gets through the next few days?"

He nodded, but very reluctantly, almost hesitantly, as if there was something more.

"He might survive", he answered, "but we don't know if he will start breathing again. We can't think of the chances of that. It all depends on how well he is going to take the medicine."

"B-but it is possible, right?" I was talking so fast I feared he wouldn't be able to understand me . "There ... there still is a chance, right? That he ... that he survives this and starts breathing again and then he will wake up, right?"

He didn't answer for a few seconds. All the relief that had just washed through my body vanished in the span of a split second.

"Indeed, there is a chance he survives the medicine and there is even a small chance he starts breathing again, considering he already survived the last operation." There was a clear apology in his eyes. I couldn't breathe.

"However, I already told you he was without oxygen for two or three minutes before the ambulance arrived." Now even he seemed to have problems to look me in the eye. "Even such a short time without oxygen can cause severe damage to the brain. After twenty seconds without it, cells start dying. There is no way to know what he will be like if he wakes up."

"What do you ... mean by that?"

"It could have affected his ability to see, to speak, to hear, everything. But it could have also damaged parts of his brain that are even more crucial for a normal life. The ... ability to think, to be receptive, to remember. We don't know what mental state he will be in if he wakes up."

"But ..." The words were caught in my throat. "But like you said, we never know until he wakes up, right? I mean, he could also wake up healthy and, and ... like he was before right?" I tried to control my breathing in order to speak. "I really ... I really don't care about any of that. I just want him to live. He will wake up either way, right? In whatever condition, he will wake up."

This time, his silence almost made me pass out.

"No, sadly, that's not the case", he responded, and directed his glance to the nurse like he couldn't look at me.

"What ... what do you mean by that?" My voice had gotten louder, and I was almost screaming by now. Sobs were still tearing me apart, and my fingers dipped into blood as I pressed them against my stomach.

But then, everything was forgotten - the blood, my voice, even the fact Kihyun might not be the same when waking up.

Because the doctor said: "No. I mean that, we can't be sure he wakes up. There is no way to know just how much his brain has been damaged. With a very, very small chance, he might suffer almost no disabilities if he wakes up. But with an unfortunately very much higher chance, the second heart attack makes us think that the damage might be crucial."

Kihyun would never leave me alone like this.

Right?

He exhaled almost a bit shakily.

"I am sorry to say this, but with a sadly very high chance ... he is never going to wake up again."

And my heart ... it broke.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> I hope you had a nice day or night so far, and I'm glad I finally found the time to finish this chapter.   
> I hope you like it~ <3

"Kihyun."

There must have been a certain softness to my voice that I myself wasn't able to hear, because there was no other way to say his name. But it sounded rough in my ears, scratchy, like fingernails on chalkboard; my own voice made me cringe, my muscles reacting almost immediately, contracting in a way that made me bend my shoulders forward.

"Almost done."

It could feel a second of pressure against the skin of my stomach before the fabric of the gown was gently pulled down again. She must have thought I was curling into myself like this because of the pain; by now, however, the wound had developed into a dull, throbbing feeling, a stark contrast to the sharpness from before. I had missed her explanation earlier, but I was almost sure some of the pills she had given me had been painkillers, because my focus had shifted from the pain to ... to what? To nothing specific. To the walls of the small room, to my own voice, to her questions.

"How did you two meet?"

I stared up towards the ceiling. It had a weird color, something between blue and grey, corresponding to the floor and contrasting the white walls. Little light dots had been painted onto it, making it look like a sky full of stars. The ceiling in my own room might have looked similar, I couldn't quite recall it. I hadn't even noticed the nurse had led me into a different room, even though I should have by the short walking distance. Maybe it had felt like an eternity because it had hurt so bad and I had been preoccupied with not letting blood drip down my hip and leg.

"Do you mind if I ask you something about him?" she had asked me, and while I had feared it would just lead me to cry even more, the incredibly heavy weight on my chest had lightened with every answer as she had put the bandage on my wound back together and had tried to get me to swallow at least twenty different pills.

"He is my roommate," I explained, pressing the fingers of my right hand against my temple. My eyelids were sticky with dried tears, and an excrutiating headache was echoing in my head. Talking distracted me; it distracted me from the unavoidable truth that was lingering in the corners of the room as she walked around the bed to lay the scissors she had used to cut the bandage down on the table. The room we were in was a lot smaller than the hospital room I had been admitted to; it looked like a room for quick, regular check-ups, without much equipment, the couch I was lying on cold.

"Is he younger than you?" the nurse asked, looking at me with a soft smile. A few strands of her hair had fallen out of her bun, but I admired the way she was able to stay so calm while dealing with someone as messed up as me at the moment. I didn't know when exactly I had stopped crying, but maybe there just weren't any tears left after she had needed half an hour to persuade me to leave the hallways in front of the intensive care unit. Only after Kihyun had been done with surgery, my eyes catching just the quickest glimpse of his pale arm as the doctors rushed him back into his room to connect him to god knows which devices, I had allowed her to take me somewhere else. I couldn't sit anymore, yet stand--no matter how much I wanted to.

The corners of my mouth rised the slightest bit, a sad smile on my face. "No. He's a few months older than me. I always try to take care of him, yet he ... I think he takes a lot more care of me than the other way around."

I didn't know what to feel. Most of the time, emotions were one big load of confusion for me, but this situation was worse than anything else I'd ever experienced. I was torn between ignoring the obvious struggle and breaking down from being so overwhelmed. In the neat confinements of this little room, time seemed to have stopped, ever since the doctor's words had met my ears, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to hold onto him.

_With a sadly very high chance ... he is never going to wake up again._

"What does he like to eat?"

Contrary to me, her voice was so gentle, so soft, so reassuring. I was relieved she had just started asking me questions about Kihyun; it took some of that tension off of me, even if I still felt like electricity was running through my body. Of course I had been relieved to hear that Kihyun had actually surived the second operation, considering how small the chance had been, but I was just afraid. I was afraid to wake up to a third operation having happened without me knowing, and to him ... to him ...

"Chocolate icecream," I choked out. Maybe the painkillers really did help. I was sure she had mixed something else among the pills that kind of started to cloud my mind. I didn't complain. I felt like talking about Kihyun, talking about him like this would tell him to hold on, that he was still there, and maybe it took some of the hopelessness away.

I felt so powerless; as vulnerable as I had never done before. There was nothing I could do; it had needed enough persuation to get me to understand spending the night in front of the unit wouldn't help anybody. I could just wait, wait even though no one told me how to. I didn't even know what I was waiting for. I was waiting for nothing; I was waiting for things not to happen, I was waiting for things being the same when sun rised just to have a chance of Kihyun surviving.

I couldn't think about it. Probably it were the sedatives, maybe some part of my brain that had gone on autopilot to cope with it all. The human brain is incredible, I thought. It can do so much; it can heal so much. Kihyun is so smart. Kihyun will heal. He has to heal. He will heal, he has to heal, he will heal, he has to--

"It looks like a sky full of stars," I whispered, eyes blinking as I stared up towards the ceiling. I felt so incredibly tired; my body exhausted from all the crying and screaming, I could barely hold my eyes open. "Do you think he will be okay?"

My mind was somewhere else. I didn't know how to explain it; it was like my body was gradually shutting down, had shut down from the first syllable of the doctor's words to this moment, as if it was shutting out the paleness of Kihyun's skin and the fact he'd just gotten operated for a second heartattack and might never wake up again.

"He has someone like you," she answered, her voice soft as she reached out for my hand, holding it reassuringly. Her words seemed to blur with her face. "He wouldn't leave somebody like you alone."

"What if he doesn't know?" I asked.

The stars on the ceiling were becoming brighter, almost blinding me. The pain returned, taking a part of the numbness away. I bit down on my lip, clenching my hands to fists as I closed my eyes. "I can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to stop thinking about him, I just don't know how -- how can I --"

"You should sleep," the nurse whispered, my glance gliding over her face towards the stars again. "You need to rest."

I shook my head. "I won't sleep tonight."

I wouldn't sleep tonight.

______________________________________

"You should eat something."

I could remember the times as a child when I had still been more afraid of everything than I was now. Some of my fear had gotten numb over the years, the irrational fears that proved themselves to be completely senseless. I had discovered stressing about some things didn't help anyone, or maybe I had just become used to the fear concerning certain things.

I could still recall the anxiety eating me up from inside when it came to taking exams. It being something exciting at first, the excitement and joy had soon disappeared and made space for a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Taking exams became a struggle, an obstacle I knew I had to overcome, even though it made me want to just hide in a corner and never come out again.

And somehow, over time, the fear and anxiety transferred into something else; it was still there, but it had adrenaline as an effect, hormones rushing through my blood and making the whole thing a bit less scary. If I was on adrenaline, I could only focus on the things directly in front of me, and for tests that meant that even if I still did worry while my pen was scribbling mostly legible words on the paper in front of me, I could at least put everything else off my mind and focus on that worry alone, and what to do in order to make it better, instead of stressing about a hundred different things at once, how the teacher would grade or if I would fail if I didn't pass that one exam--

The adrenaline made me concentrate on one specific worry, and it helped me get through the time it took to have that worry disappear. That didn't mean it made the worry less hurtful or depressing, but it made me develop a certain sense of enduring it. If I endured it until the end of the test, it would lessen and I could at least forget it until we got the test back. I had endured it as I had confessed until Kihyun had taken that step forward and our lips had met, and now I had to endure it until he was okay.

But a test took two hours. And confessing only a few minutes.

I had no idea how long it would take for him to be okay.

If he would be.

"I can't."

It was a different kind of adrenaline this time. I could feel it in my veins, itching from the inside to do something, anything, other than leaning against a pillow and pulling at the ends of my hair. There had to be a way to do something, but no matter how much my brain tried to find one, it just worsened my headache instead of getting a solution.

"You need to," Jooheon told me, a desperate undertone in his voice. He had only been here for twenty minutes, but I was sure it was the fortieth time he had said this. The tray with food was placed on the table next to the bed like a sign I should just reach over. "Or at least, sleep for a bit, okay?"

It was touching how he cared for my wellbeing, but I didn't know how to make him understand there was no way I would be able to. Maybe I was afraid of what I would dream, but more than that, I was afraid of what this world would look like when I opened my eyes again. It needed nothing more than a split second for so many things to happen, and how could it be okay to leave the reality for a minute when it beared the fear of ignoring so much?

I turned my head, looking at the window. I had closed the blinds earlier, leaving the room in the dull haze of grey light. The sun had risen not too long ago, and the clock over the door showed eleven a.m. I felt like months had passed since the nurse had accompanied me back to my room, my hand pressed against the bandage over my wound as she propped me up, promising me to keep me updated on everything if I would just sleep.

I hadn't slept, needless to mention. I wasn't allowed to go see him until after lunch, and since some of the doctors turned up at 6 a.m. to check for the patients, it wouldn't have been a good idea to sneak out again to wait in front of the unit. So I had spent the last few hours sitting in my bed, anxiously fumbling with the blanket and trying not to fall asleep. I wasn't able to, mentally, even though my body wanted nothing more. It was difficult to hold my eyes open und Jooheon must have been noticing.

He didn't scold me for not sleeping. He just seemed helpless on what to say. And I would've liked to be a bit more easy to talk to, but I just couldn't bring myself to really care about it.

"How's Minhyuk doing?" I decided to ask after a while of silence. All of this was making me crazy; Kihyun being so far away from me and me having to wait, yet I didn't know what I was waiting for. To see him, at the moment probably, to just hold him; my heart was yearning for his touch.

"Fine, I guess." Jooheon had already told me the reason why he was here alone - the holidays had ended today, and they had decided to split their free hours to visit me one after another. It was lovely they didn't want me to spend more than one hour at a time by myself, but at the same time I didn't know if I had the capacity to pretend I wasn't feeling horrible. Another question was if they would even believe that, no matter how good my acting might be. "Hyunwoo takes a lot of care of him. He said he wanted to visit you later today."

My guilty conscience was still making my fingertips ache. I knew it had been the right thing to call Minhyuk back then, before I had entered the warehouse - he was the reason the ambulance had even came, but I didn't want to imagine what he had had to endure during the whole onesided conversation. I couldn't even remember most of it by now, except for the ... the shot. And Kihyun's voice.

God, I'd never forget his voice. And I hoped so much I would hear it again. I closed my eyes, letting it echo in my head, holding onto each syllable like it was a rope pulling me out of deep water.

My eyes snapped open before I could fall asleep, widening as I looked at Jooheon. "Did he say something about ... about what he heard?"

He looked at me curiously. His face told me that he hadn't sleep either, and if, no much. Dark rings where beneath his eyes, his lips chapped like he'd bitten a lot on them. "No, nothing specific. He'll have to talk in court just like you and ... Kihyun, if he can, I guess. But he didn't tell us anything as far as I know and ... I didn't want to ask him either."

I wasn't too sure if I wanted them to know Kihyun had said my name; it was like a secret I treasured, something that helped be to stay sane. Of everything blurry about that night, his voice was the only thing I could recall so clearly, and my brain couldn't help but think: _At least you were able to hear his voice once before--_

"No," I managed to get out, something caught in my throat. "No, I ..."

I noticed Jooheon was staring at me, trying to figure out what I was talking about before I shook my head and said: "Sorry, I ... I'm glad he is okay."

"He told me he wanted to come by later to see you."

I took a deep breath. The chance was high Minhyuk had heard Kihyun say my name, and I didn't know if I was ready talking about it just yet. About all of it. I didn't even know what had gotten into me yesterday that I had just spilled everything out while talking to my nurse -- maybe it had been the word boyfriend that had passed my lips. I wanted to say it to Kihyun, and I wanted Kihyun to say it to me. There were so many things I wanted and I had no answer how to fulfill them. But talking about it with my friends was a whole other thing. They knew Kihyun. And somehow, that made it so much more difficult.

I raised my head, wanting to answer, as a knock on the door was audible. Jooheon turned around, eyes focused on the doorway as the door swung open, revealing my mother peeking inside of the room, her bag clutched tightly in her hand. Her lips were pressed together, eyes full of worry, as she asked: "Changkyun?"

Jooheon had told me she'd come by, yesterday already, and then again, twenty minutes ago, but I still didn't feel ready to see her. There was a difference between her and my friends, although all of them knew me well. But my mother had always been capable of looking right through me. Maybe it were her motherly instincts, maybe just something else; there was nothing I could hold secret from her. And combined with her views on love and my relationship, and the new found realization about my dad, I suddenly wasn't so sure anymore if I wanted to be as vulnerable as this in front of her.

But the look in her eyes broke my heart; they were teary, and her steps fast as she crossed the distance between us, pulling me in a bone-breaking hug the moment she was close enough to wrap me in her arms. I sat up with a gasp, trying not to bend my body too much in order to keep my wound from starting to bleed again. I felt like the nurse would murder me personally if I managed to hurt myself yet another time.

"Changkyun, oh God, how are you feeling?" Her voice was laced with fear as she held her hands on my shoulders, pulling back only to look more closely at my face. I had to look horribly, I thought. Without sleep and probably still a few scratches in my face. I hadn't yet looked into any mirror - had avoided it even when going to the toilet, although that had taken long enough that I would have been able to memorize every single line on my face thanks to my wound that made it difficult to even sit down properly.

"I'm ... I'm fine," I managed to get out, pulling the corners of my mouth slightly upwards, a breath shakily leaving my mouth as she went to get a chair from the table, pulling it up next to my bed quicker than I could comprehend, taking my hands in hers as she shot a quick smile at Jooheon.

"I talked with the doctors yesterday," she said, and I couldn't help but notice that she looked so much older all of a sudden. Her hair was messy, hands cold as they closed around mine. "They said you'll be able to go home in a week or two."

I felt a something tugging at my heart. "Okay."

There was an awkward second without words, that I was looking at her and she at me, until Jooheon's voice interrupted the silence.

"Um, I think I should go, math class is starting soon," he announced, although it was obvious he just wanted to give us space. "And you know Mr Choi, Changkyun, he will absolutely murder me."

I nodded, a slight smile on my lips, as he reached for his bag and phone on the table. He'd brought some of my clothes with him that were placed in another backpack on the shelf next to the bathroom, a few shirts and trousers. I hadn't yet tried to put them on, but I knew it would prove itself as a challenge. Still, I cared too little to ask anyone to help me. My old clothes were gone, as I had noticed yesterday already. They'd really thrown them out. I was glad; I didn't feel like looking at blood anymore. And even if the stains would've been able to get out by washing them, the chances of me wearing that shirt and jeans ever again were practically zero.

"Be careful on your way home," my mother told him, and he smiled friendly, nodding in response.

"I will," he answered, putting the bag over his shoulder and turning towards me again, opening his mouth but waiting a second, apparently not sure what to say or do. I decided to help him out.

"I'll sleep a bit later," I reassured him, although I knew I wouldn't before seeing Kihyun. "Don't worry about me."

His expression was sceptical. "Okay."

Somehow, everything since yesterday reminded me of things that had happened before that crucial night. I didn't know what caused my brain to think like that, but it was a reflex I couldn't prevent. When I brushed my teeth, I had to think of Kihyun standing next to me, copying my actions; when I reached for my phone, I had to remember the way the phone had felt in my hand the moment I had noticed he wasn't on the bus he should've been on; even when I let myself fall back, my head meeting the pillows, I could feel Kihyun's hand on my waist as he pulled me closer in his sleep.

And now, that my mom and me were alone in this room, I had to think of the afternoon two days ago, when my fingers had been closed around a cup of coffee, my fingernails grazing the tablecloth, the smell of coffeine in my nose. I had stared at my phone, waiting for a message from Kihyun. Now, I turned around and looked at the phone next to the bed.

"How is he doing?" Her voice was cautious, like she was trying to walk on a frozen pond and was testing its limits. The surface cracked just the slightest. "Will he be okay?"

I tried to smile a bit, but tears were starting to pool at the corners of my eyes. "I ... I hope he will be."

"What happened?" she asked, her fingers tight around mine. "Everything your friends and the doctors told me was just a wild mix of something having to do with his father and a gun ... No, God, wait, I didn't want to make you cry, I--"

"Mom," I whispered, holding closer onto her as she wanted to stand up to get a tissue. "Stay."

She looked at me with wide eyes. It was the first time I had said something similar to this in years, I figured. Normally, there was this distance between us, this barrier that seemed so unapproachable, that led me not to answer her calls and stay at school during holidays.

But right now, I couldn't bring myself to hold it up. As everything was breaking down, I needed something to hold onto, and I didn't know what else to do, so I held onto her. "Don't go."

"I won't," she answered, sitting back down immediately. Her other hand came up to gently wipe my tears away. I couldn't remember the last time we had been this close, but right now, her warmth felt so incredibly consoling. "I won't, Changkyun."

I didn't know what caused it all to break out of me. But somehow it did; maybe I had needed someone like her, someone that knew me so well and had been away for such a long time, to come by and make it all spill out. Only then I noticed what I had been holding in for what felt like an eternity.

"H-He will die," I cried, shoulders coming up as if they were protecting my body. "He will die, and I-I can do nothing! I'm s-so afraid I'll wake up and he'll be gone a-and -- it's all my fault, that he was sh-shot and had those h-heart attacks and can't even breathe and -- mom, w-what do I do if he dies?" I was staring at our hands. "I don't ... I don't k-know what to do if he ... leaves."

"What did they say?" she asked, her voice full of concern. "How high ... are the chances he survives?"

I shook my head unnoticeably. "I don't know, p-pretty small ... and e-even if he does, he might ..." I swallowed, my body curling into itself. "He might never w-wake up again."

Her thumb brushed across the back of my hand, and I couldn't help myself. I wasn't the medicine that brought the change of heart, but rather the overwhelming fear inside of me that I didn't know where to put into. I had been able to hold it back, keep it inside of me as Jooheon had been here, but now that I was alone with my mother, it came back with full force. I leaned forward, pulling my hand out of her grip and instead pulling her close, until I could close my arms around her shoulders and press my eyes against her pullover.

"I just want him to be with me," I sobbed against the fabric. "I don't c-care what he is like when he wakes up, I d-don't care if he can't speak or see or hear, or i-if he has any other disability, I don't c-care, really, I just need him to ... he just needs to wake u-up."

Her hands came up to hold my back. "You really love him, don't you?"

I pulled back to look at her, my vision blurry. "Of course I d-do."

She nodded, a slight smile on her lips. "Okay."

But it wasn't okay. She looked like she wanted to say something more, and I could only guess what it was about; but then her glance changed like she had decided not to say it out loud, and she just pulled me close again, holding me. And I was glad; there was no space in my mind to think when all I could see was Kihyun, and it sounded so stupid, but there was no way not to think about him every time my eyes closed.

"I'm sure he'll be fine," she tried to reassure me, although I could hear from the tremble in her voice that she was everything but sure. "You'll see him later, right?"

I nodded. If I was honest with myself, every single statement about my feelings that didn't include fear towards seeing him was a lie. I couldn't forget the way he had looked so pale, so lifeless; I feared I would just hyperventilate in anxiety. But I needed to be with him; I needed to hold his hand and tell him I was with him. I needed to let him know I was there. That I wouldn't let him go as long as I was there.

She pulled back, reaching for her bag. "What about you read him something out of one of his books?" As soon as she saw my conflicted expression, her face fell. "I am sorry, I -- he had so many books on his desk when I went to your room with your friend to get your things, so I figured he liked reading--"

"No, wait, I ..." I didn't know what to say. I had told Jooheon not to touch his books simply because I didn't like the idea of others doing something like this without the consent he wasn't able to give at the moment. But then, reading something out of one of his favorite books didn't seem like the worst idea. I had no idea what to even do in situations like these. But people in movies always talked and read books out loud, right? "It's ... it's fine."

Her features relaxed just the slightest. "I wasn't sure which one to pick, so I just ... I'll just leave them here with you, okay?"

She went on taking the books out of her purse. It were just a few, some of which I could remember. Kihyun and me often read books together when we both had time. Ironically, some of the ones she had brought were his favorites. And then there was one I could specifically remember - it was a paperback, the cover marked with lines from how often Kihyun had already read it. I could even remember the story; it was a lovestory, an incredibly sweet and cheesy one, and as I had made that comment, Kihyun had leaned forward and kissed my cheek with a silent laugh and--

I closed my eyes for a second, laying it down on the bedside table. I couldn't read this out loud. I needed something that wouldn't make me cry immediately.

"Did you eat something already?" my mother asked, watching me as I carefully stacked the books onto each other.

I wasn't in the condition to lie. "No."

Her features softened noticeably. "It's okay. Just make sure you eat something before going to bed, okay?" She breathed in deeply. "I know how it feels. I know it's not easy."

My vision blurred. It was all too much; there was just so much I could endure and my father wasn't one of these things right now. And she seemed to notice by my glance, and so she shook her head, reaching for my hand once more.

"We'll talk about all these things another time, alright? How things will go on and ..."

I nodded. I hadn't thought about any of it, whatever she was implying, if it was about Kihyun's father whose sole mention made me want to throw up, school or something else that wasn't on my mind right now; there weren't that many things I was thinking about at the moment, and I couldn't bring myself to care about any of them.

"You'll be able to go home soon if you take care," she explained, my eyes focusing on the collar of her sweater. "I thought about taking you with me, but ... I don't think you'd be comfortable with that." Her glance was almost apologizing. "It's up to you, but ... I guess you will feel better with your friends around. And I'm not even talking about going to school right now."

"Home?" I asked, my voice shaking, before I nodded again, just a slight movement of my head. "I don't want to go back to the dorm."

Her eyes widened. "Then, do you want to go with--?"

I almost felt bad for my answer. "No. I want to stay here."

"But, you'll feel better in a more ... normal environment. Whether it's with me or your friends, don't you think it would be a good idea to go home?"

I didn't answer.

I guess she didn't know what I meant by home.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospitals aren't nice places. There is no one that would be in need of that information, because everyone that has ever set foot into a hospital knows it. They are bright, with large windows to let in the light, and clean because they have to be. I even liked the smell of desinfectant. But it was the atmosphere that made goosebumps rise on my skin. There was a reason why hospitals were preferred settings for horror movies.

Maybe it was the knowledge in the air, that most of the reasons why you would come to a hospital weren't positive ones. Hospitals were places of pain and sorrow, and these feelings seemed to be attached to every hallway, every door and every row of chairs I passed. It felt less horrible than yesterday evening, because there were people around, women and men and children, some of them dressed in normal clothes, visiting their family members or getting a check-up, and some others, who wore the same gown as I did, talking to doctors or nurses. Their were voices all around, and still, the air felt so cold, like it was biting me.

The needle in my skin was itching, an uncomfortable feeling that made me want to pull it out and stop moving at the same time. I held onto the rack with the infusion tight enough for the tiny tube not to cause me too much trouble.

I knew visiting hours were starting at 3 p.m., and hadn't even waited for the nurse to show up again; I had spent another few hours sitting in my bed and staring at the books on the bedside table after my mother had left, until the tingling in my stomach had become almost unbearable. I couldn't sit still, yet I didn't feel like moving either. My trip to the bathroom had proved itself to be indeed a bad idea; not only had I almost fallen into the bathtub, losing my balance and landing on the floor, but my face told another story I didn't want to think about. I'd gone back to bed, but I hadn't slept.

And now I was standing here, in front of the unit, my left hand tightly clutched around the book I had chosen to take with me, threatening to fall out of my fingers every second. The doors were open, now that it was daytime, and I was repeating the room number I'd been told with every step I took. Inside, the air carried even more of that specific hospital smell, a mixture of desinfectants and medicine and somehow the scent of iron. The fabric of the face mask I had to wear for medical reasons was scratching on my skin.

The room was at the end of the hallway, where the light falling through the blinds was painting different patterns onto the white walls. Outside, it was a snowy cold weather. And it was the first thing my eyes focused on as I opened the door.

Somehow, on my whole way to his room, I had been on autopilot; I had avoided all thoughts and especially feelings, and now that my hand was pressing down the doorhandle, and the light of the room was flooding outside of it like water, it crashed over me like a wave as my glance was caught on the window.

Outside, big snow flakes were making their way from the sky down to earth, the sun breaking through the clouds only with a few strong rays, falling though the glass and sweeping towards my feet. It felt warm, and I froze for a second, because I could see the bed on the left side of the room and all of a sudden I wasn't so sure anymore if I could really open the door any further.

But the light was pulling me inside, like it was wrapped around my pinky, and I found myself taking a step forward, and another one, until I was able to close the door behind me. My eyes were on the floor, and then my glance wandered higher, over the bedframe and the blanket, until there, he was.

I wanted to say something, but I felt like I couldn't. It was stupid, really, how I was so afraid although I knew he wouldn't even respond. But maybe that was what I was so afraid of.

The door clicked behind me as it fell shut, and I flinched, my feet working on their own as I took a few shaking steps towards the bed until I could almost touch the blanket. The room wasn't big, and yet I still felt like I had been thrown into a void. My feet came to a stop in front of the bed, the needle itching in my arm as I whispered: "Hey." I didn't know if it was even audible.

He was Kihyun, but he looked so different. After all the times I had woken up next to him, seen his sleeping face as he wasn't yet awake, I knew what he looked like sleeping. But he didn't look like it now; maybe it was the paleness of his skin resembling the snow, or his lips that were closed around some kind of tube. His lashes weren't fluttering.

"Hey," I repeated. My voice was a whisper, because I felt like speaking louder wasn't appropriate somehow. I was afraid of doing, of saying something wrong. He looked so small in that hospital bed that I was afraid of breaking him with only a syllable. He wore the same gown as me, the blanket pulled up to his armpits, arms above it and hands on the fabric. His head was propped on a pillow, his hair falling over his forehead. And somehow, I imagined him opening his eyes and smiling at my expression, except he didn't.

"Hey." Afraid that the book would fall out of my hands, I laid it down on the bedside table, trying to ignore all the devices that were next to it, wires and cables leading to the bed. I could feel my breath hitching in my throat. "Hey."

I stood there, next to him, my eyes focusing on his face, as if I was waiting for something. My hand reached out, almost on its own, until it was floating above his; I was afraid he wouldn't react if I touched him, and so I didn't, until the urge to do so become too overwhelming to ignore. My fingers closing around his, I could feel my eyes starting to burn, darting down to look at our hands as I felt plastic against my skin.

It was still Kihyun's hand that I was holding, of course it was his. But there was this needle in his skin, and this piece of plastic around his finger, and this cable around his wrist and it were all things I didn't understand, no matter how much I tried. His hand was so cold and I just wished I had anything with me to make him feel warmer, but I didn't. I was as cold as he felt.

Too little energy to reach for the chair in the corner of the room, I sank down onto the mattress, feeling his legs next to my waist, separated by the blanket. I wanted to hold him, to hold him so badly, but I feared to do something wrong, to reach out and make it even worse. And so I just stared at him, the regular high-tuned beeps of one of the machines echoing in my ears.

It took me some time to understand it was his heartbeat that I was hearing, but at that time I was already crying. I didn't want to; I just hoped he was able to hear me, to hear what I was saying even though he wasn't awake, and I didn't want him to hear me cry. But at the same time, I had to show him he couldn't just leave me alone, right? He had to know it. He had to know I was here.

But who told me he even knew me anymore? If he was even here anymore? What if he was long gone? What if this was his body, but it wasn't him anymore? What if I'd never know?

My shoulders were rising and sinking, uncoordinated, messily. I could only seem him, my Kihyun, all the times he had laughed and how his fingers had held onto mine. I could feel the way his hand had reached out for my neck, our hands intertwining, how he had smiled into our kiss and how his eyes had looked into mine, and I couldn't help but feel like it all had happened decades, centuries ago.

And I felt so powerless. So helpless. What was there that I could do? I didn't even know if he was with me. If he could feel my fingers around his.

He was right here, and I was so afraid that he was gone.

"I'm sorry that I-I'm crying," I managed to get out, pressing my lips together as tears were streaming down my cheeks. "I d-didn't want to c-cry--"

I could recall the way he'd looked at me, back then in the bathroom as he'd smiled with the toothbrush in his mouth, after the others had teased him about the hickeys on his neck. Now the only thing decorating his skin were bruises.

"Hey, you'll s-stay, okay?" It was more a statement than a question. "You'll s-stay with me, okay?"

I was alone. Somehow, I was all alone in this room. The light was falling through the window, painting onto walls and his face, making the tiny heart between his collarbones shine in the rays of sunlight. Outside of the room, I could hear voices and footsteps in the hallways. There was the voice of a child and the smell of cold air and dust. And still, I was alone.

There was no way I could read. There was no way I could even talk. I just needed him. I needed him to wake up and just look at me. I'd never cared about whether he could talk or not, and I cared even less right now. I just needed him.

"You can't leave me," I whispered, like a shattering glass breaking the silence of the room. "I need you. I n-need you s-so much, I d-don't know what I w-would--"

My voice broke. I needed him and I didn't know how to let him know. My eyes were threatening to close, the tears on my cheeks itching as they dried, and so I held his hand as I leaned down, carefully lying down next to him, his hair touching my nose, his legs against mine through the blanket, and held him close, imagining I could hear his heartbeat beneath my fingertips although it was impossible with the blanket between us -- but I could hear the beeping of the machine and as long as it wasn't silent, he was here. He was here.

"Don't leave," I whispered next to his ear, my fingers holding onto his hand as my eyes closed. "I need you."

_I need you._

________________________________________________

It would have been funny if I hadn't been so sad at the same time. In the sole span of seven days, I managed to become the most hated patient ever.

Things were already looking bad for me as they caught me in the intensive care unit, sleeping with my arm around Kihyun's waist and having to wake me up for, as I was later told, the period of three minutes, but they couldn't have known how bad dealing with me was really going to get.

I wasn't like I wanted to make the life of nurses and doctors harder. If we were talking about me, I wanted to just disappear completely from their radar, so they'd forget I was even stationed in one of the rooms. No, I just couldn't bring myself to care about it. No matter how many times they'd scold me and talk to my mother, I couldn't bring myself to change.

The first three days, I didn't sleep. I didn't know how exactly I managed to do it, but the human body has amazing skills in keeping you awake if you have a reason to do so. And Kihyun was enough of a reason for me.

The intensive care unit allowed two hours of visit each day. Even after they'd caught me sleeping in his bed, I'd lie down next to him. The first day, I wasn't able to speak. I just looked at him, running my fingers through his hair. I managed not to cry until I was out of the room again.

The second day, I tried to tell him stories. I didn't know what I wanted to say, so it ended up being pretty useless stuff. I told him what Jooheon and the others told me each day they visited, but somehow ended up crying after a few minutes, and so I stopped speaking after a while, humming a weird melody because I hated the silence that was only interrupted by the beeping of his heartbeat on the screen.

I managed not to sleep at all; the nights, I read one of his books to stay awake, until my feet carried me outside of my room again. The medicine must really have helped, I figured, because my wound didn't bleed again, at least until one of the nurses spotted me sitting in front of the unit, freezing from the cold, and scolded me to go back into my room again. Which didn't hinder me to do it again the next day.

It was only on the third day that I was too tired to stay awake as I visited Kihyun, and so it happened like it had the first time I'd visited him. Except this time it was my nurse that caught me in his bed, and I had to listen to an endless monologue about how I shouldn't do that -- her voice was soft and her glance apologizing, but her words were determined and I was too tired to talk back.

She must've given me more sedatives the next day, because I fell asleep faster than I could realize. And when she woke me up the next morning, and I was practically crying before I could even speak, her fingers were gentle around mine. I couldn't remember what she explained, but it seemed to make sense and I was just so tired, and so we agreed that it would be better for both of us if I didn't spent the whole night waiting in the cold hallways for something that would hopefully not happen.

Maybe it was the fact that nothing had happened during the last three days or my own fatigue that drove me to say okay to her offer -- she'd take the night shift for the next week, and she'd inform me immediately if something happened, given that I would sleep without wandering through the hospital. And I said yes, because maybe, she was right, and maybe, I didn't want to spend the two hours I had with Kihyun every day sleeping.

Somehow, I started to hold onto the hope that the chance of him surviving was at least higher the more days passed without him having another heart attack. The fear was still the same, but my body was too tired to keep me awake for more than a day anymore. And maybe I welcomed the dark, because it distracted me from what I was so afraid of, at least for a few hours, until I woke up, sweat on my neck and my hands clammy because the nightmares had been more real than I'd expected them to be.

Routine was a wrong word to describe what happened for the next couple of days. My mind was clouded with medicine and I was in a constant struggle of fear and hope. I was explained that Kihyun wasn't safe to be okay for as long as he wasn't breathing on his own, but nobody knew when that would happen. It could take weeks, or it could take months. And I refused to think about what would happen if it were years, much less speaking about him waking up.

At night, I stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep, and in the morning, I continued like this until I was allowed to see him. I would've liked to imagine his skin looked a little less pale each day, but it didn't. He stayed the same. He was Kihyun, but he wasn't the Kihyun I would've liked to see. He was the Kihyun I loved, and the one I needed, but I needed him to be with me.

It was worse the first few days. As Minhyuk visited me after I'd been brought back to my room, I was just crying, because I felt so powerless towards the whole situation. I couldn't help but notice how exhausted he himself looked, but that wasn't enough to stop the tears. I felt horrible.

"I'm s-sorry you had to listen to all of it," I managed to get out after we'd been awkwardly sitting next to each other for a few minutes. "I'm sorry I c-called you, I just ... I didn't know what to do."

"Don't apologize for that," Minhyuk responded. He handed me a tissue, his eyes full of worry. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I ... I don't know, I felt like a mess."

"Thank you for ... for calling an ambulance." My voice was quiet. "I don't want to think about what could've happened if ..." I didn't finish the sentence.

Minhyuk looked at me. He just looked at me for a minute and then he asked: "He said your name, didn't he?"

I pressed the tissue harder against my eyes, trying to force down the sob that was making it's way out of my throat. I had wondered why I hadn't wanted anyone to know, and now I understood; hearing it out of someone else's mouth made it feel so much more real, and I didn't know if I didn't just want it all to be numb. "Hm."

There was silence for a second. I didn't know what else to say. Minhyuk had heard everything; I didn't even know if there was anything else I really needed to say for him to understand.

"So, how are things gonna go on?" His voice was cautious, but I just shrugged.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I don't want to think any further than the next day."

"Did your mom talk to you about the ... the trial?"

I looked up. "Trial?"

"We'll have to speak in court," he explained, and I could see how he was fumbling with his fingers in his lap. "K-Kihyun would normally have to speak, too, but he ... well, I was told our testimonies would be enough to get his father into jail."

He went on talking about all the stuff we would have to deal with, but I couldn't really listen to him; all that was going on in my mind was how I could possibly go on. How should I be able to continue with my life when Kihyun was still here? How should all of it work? I had no idea how to even get through the night, much less how to ... how to do all of this.

"I don't want to go home," I whispered, and Minhyuk looked up. "I don't think I can."

"Because of Kihyun?"

I nodded. "I can't leave him alone. I can't ... I ... I mean, what if ..."

Minhyuk reached for my hand. "There's nothing you can do except for visiting him and spending time with him, Changkyun, is there?"

There wasn't. But that was exactly what kept me up every night.

Minhyuk wasn't the only one that came by. The others and my mother coordinated their schedules so I'd never be alone for a long time, but there wasn't anything to talk about. I listened to their stories, but I felt so numb inside that I couldn't react. Even as Kihyun's aunt came by, and all I wanted to do was apologize, I couldn't open my mouth. But she seemed to understand, because we looked at each other, and then we were both crying. It should've been okay, but it wasn't.

Time was as tough as the strings of bubble gum, and at the same time way too fast. It passed by my eyes as water, blurring everything and leaving me in a haze that made me forget it even existed. I was waiting for things I wasn't conscious about, and the only thing that counted for me each day were the precious hours I had with Kihyun, no matter how devastated they left me for the night.

We had never needed words to communicate, but without even his fingers moving, I felt like he wasn't there at all.

"I already got the medicine from your nurse," Jooheon explained as he was checking the bathroom for the last time. "She said you should come by twice a week to check on your wound. They'll take the stitches out in two weeks."

I looked up from where I was holding the bag with Kihyun's books on my lap. Somehow we had managed to get me into a pair of sweatpants and a sweater. Although I didn't want to admit it, I still felt as weak as directly after a bad flu. I didn't know how long it would take for me to get better, but at least my wound wasn't hurting the same way it had done a week ago anymore.

"I know you don't want to go home."

I looked up as Jooheon said this, my eyes widening just the slightest.

"You can come visit him each day," he reassured me, taking the bag out of my hands before I could react. "I promise, okay?"

The ride to the dorm was silent. Somehow, the whole last week had been silent and I couldn't bear the silence anymore. It was eating me up from inside, in the same way the fear did; no matter how many times my nurse had promised to inform me if something happened, as I'd managed to get a weak thanks out of my mouth, I didn't feel okay. I wasn't used to being so far away from Kihyun. In the last few months, I noticed, we had never been away from each other more than a few hours. Even as we hadn't talked to each other for three days, he had always been in close proximity.

But now, as I was leaning against the wall of the elevator, and walking down the familiar hallway, and my hand was closing around the doorhandle of our room, he was somewhere else. And I wasn't even so sure if I really knew where he was.

"Changkyun?" Jooheon's voice was careful. He was holding my bags, standing behind me, looking at the way my hand trembled on the doorhandle. I pulled my shoulders upwards, breathing in deeply, attempting to open the door a second time, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it.

I didn't know what it was. But it was making me hold back, until it seemed physically impossible to open the door and step inside.

"I can't," I whispered, unable to say anything else.

This was our room. This was my room, but this was also Kihyun's room. How was it okay for me to enter when he couldn't? How should I be able to sleep in there when Kihyun's bed was empty?

Jooheon proved himself to have a lot of patience with me these days. He just pulled me close, careful not to touch my wound, and explained that I could sleep in his room.

I ended up sleeping in a room with Hyungwon and Wonho, because Minhyuk moved into Jooheon's and Shownu's room to make space for me. I wasn't alone anymore that night, as the only light in the room was coming from the moon outside, but I had never felt more alone. I could feel Kihyun next to me like he was actually lying there, but the moment I reached out for him, he was gone.

All I could think about was how alone he had to feel, in that lifeless, sterile hospital room. It made me nervous that I wasn't able to hear the constant beeps of the machine, and I noticed I'd only been able to sleep the last few days because of the sleeping pills they'd given me. Now that the only pills I'd swallowed had been painkillers that numbed way too little inside of my chest, the world seemed to be crashing down onto me in the darkness of the room.

I decided I wouldn't be able to sleep without Kihyun, and so I reached out for the bag next to the bed, my hand opening the zipper and closing around the first book I could find. Somehow I felt closer to Kihyun whenever I read his books, just like I had done the last few days, and as my fingers touched the familiar paperback, my heart tightened just the slightest. I could almost feel Kihyun's lips on my cheek.

I don't know what brought me to reach for it and take it out of the bag. I had avoided to look at it for the past week, because it seemed like the book with the most memories, but right now I was in desperate need of them. I wanted to feel Kihyun close; I was desperate to feel the fantasy of his touches and so I opened the book, turning the pages and taking a deep breath.

I was about to start reading, just anywhere, in the middle or towards the end, because I already knew the story by heart, as I felt something falling out of the book. It was almost like a déjà-vu, like all those days ago, when I had wanted to read one of Kihyun's books and had ended up discovering everything about his past by accident.

Right now, my eyes focused on the paper lying next to my body, and a familiar shiver ran down my spine. Kihyun really loved his books; he hid all his secrets in their covers and this wasn't the moment I should be looking at any of them. If this was something about his father, I'd be better off not knowing about it. With a pull in my chest, I reached for the piece of paper, wanting to put it back into the bookcover as my eyes caught a glimpse of a word shimmering in the moonlight.

_Changkyun_

My breath hitched in my throat, fingers clutching tighter at the paper as my eyes took in the weird patterns on it. I needed a second to understand it was actually dirt, like the paper had fallen down onto the ground, into a puddle or something similar. It was ripped in some places, wrinkled like the wind had taken it elsewhere before being caught by Kihyun.

A vague idea began to form in my mind as I hurried to open it, my eyes taking in the words scribbled onto the paper before I could hold back.

Some time later, maybe a few minutes or an hour, I must've woken Hyungwon up, because suddenly he was moving in his bunk bed, turning around to look at me in the dark.

"Changkyun?" he asked. And then: "Changkyun, shit, are you crying?"

I didn't know how to explain it. There were only two words, names scribbled across the paper, one was mine, and the other was Kihyun's, and maybe there were a few messy heart in between, but it wasn't even about that. No, I knew, I just knew this was the piece of paper Kihyun had hid as I had entered the classroom, this was the piece of paper Doyoung had reached out for, holding it over his head, this was the piece of paper Kihyun had teared away from him and thrown out of the window before anyone could read it, this was the piece of paper he'd gone through all this trouble with Doyoung for, and this was the piece of paper he'd apparently went after to catch it after the lesson before the wind took it away.

No, I really didn't know how to explain it as Wonho woke up, too, turning on the light and patting my back as I cried. I didn't know what to do and neither did they, and I didn't know how to make anyone understand.

Maybe I was at home, but my home wasn't with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for hurting my babies ... please feel free to let me know any death threats and feedback in the comments :') <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> I am sorry this chapter took me so long to write, but I hope you are looking forward to reading it now nonetheless!  
> Just to clear up any confusion that might come up at the end, this isn't the last chapter - there is one more to go, and  
> maybe an epilogue, but I haven't decided yet.  
> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy! <3

One night, I dreamt that Kihyun died.

"Here." It was Jooheon that handed me a bunch of clothes. He was standing in front of my bed, his lips pressed together as his arms were stretched out towards me. "You should wear them."

"Why?" My mind couldn't make up a reason of why Jooheon would give me clothes, until I felt the fabric beneath my fingers and lowered my glance; they were black, all of them. Black trousers and a black button-up shirt. A black jacket and a black tie. "Jooheon?"

"Please, put them on." His voice was quiet, just a faint whisper in the silence. From somewhere, I could hear the distinct sound of rain. "Changkyun, please."

Although I was still mildly confused, I stood up from the edge of the bed, starting to undress. I laid my clothes down on the mattress before reaching for the black pieces, putting on the pants. As I was fixing the buttons of the shirt and the tie, I turned my back to Jooheon, trying to look into the mirror on the closet as a help. A pain shot through my finger, and I clenched my jaw, pulling my hand away and noticing I had cut myself on a particularly sharp button.

"Changkyun, please."

I stopped in my motion; it wasn't Jooheon that had said that, my ears told me as I turned around slowly, finger pressed against my lips, the distinctive taste of iron on my tongue.

"What are you doing here?" My voice was only a whimper, breaking in between words. "You --"

"Should be in Heaven?" Kihyun had a small smile on his lips, the corners of his mouth rising just the slightest. He was blinding me; all dressed in white. "I know."

"No!" I managed to call out, my breath heavy in my chest. "No, I didn't mean that."

"You're dressed as if you're saying goodbye." His smile died down. "I guess my funeral is going to be soon, then, isn't it?"

"Stop saying this." I could feel my own heartbeat in my ears. "You won't die."

He took a step forward, towards me, until I could distinguish his lashes, one by one, moving slightly as he blinked, looking up at me. "But, baby, I already did."

His fingers were on my cheek, wiping away the tears that were starting to roll down my skin. He was looking at me, regret in his eyes, his glance not once directed anywhere else than at me. "I thought I'd died when I woke up in clothes like this, but I wasn't sure. And so I came here to see you, and ..." His hand slid over my neck towards the collar of my shirt. "I guess I really did."

"No." My hand reached out, fingers curling into the fabric of his jacket. "You can't leave. You're here, right? You can just stay here. We can take those clothes off and say it never happened."

"Oh, Changkyun." He smiled at me, his hand on my neck as he leaned his forehead against mine. "This is not my body. They've already put it in a casket."

"Don't--" My tone was pleading. "They haven't, I can touch you, okay? They haven't. This is you."

He shook his head, gently. "No, they have. Changkyun, this is just my soul."

"But, I can--I can--" I pulled him closer, pressing his body against mine, my hands roaming up and down his back, his arms, his shoulders, until the came up to hold onto his face, his cheekbones beneath my fingertips. "I can touch you, see? I can hold you."

He smiled at me, so brightly, so warmly. "You were always able to touch my soul, weren't you?"

My hands fell. Instead, his came up to hold onto me, like he was afraid I'd fall down without him holding onto me. And maybe I would have. "Why would I speak now if I weren't dead?"

"But you spoke to me before," I whispered. "You said my name, just like you do now."

"Yeah," he answered, his voice so incredibly soft. "I always wanted to do that."

"Tell me you won't leave." There was a desperate edge to my voice. "I'll do everything. Stay here, or let me go with you. Please."

"Do you know what you're asking for? I could never. I need you to be alive."

"Only if you are too."

"But Changkyun, baby ..." His touch was gentle, his eyes full of regret. "You know I am dead. You knew it when you saw me. And you know it now, too. I'm gone."

"B-but you are right here!" I was clinging onto him like dear life. "I can feel you, I can touch you, I can hear you, I can-- even if this is just your soul, stay. Stay with me. Stay here."

He shook his head, an apologetic smile on his lips. "There is no place for me in this world anymore. I need to go somewhere else now, and you need to say goodbye, okay? They're already waiting for you."

"For me? For what?"

He chuckled. "My sweet little Changkyun." His hand disappeared from my skin, and he was slowly pulling back. "You need to go to my funeral."

I woke up screaming, or at least I thought so; it sounded like a scream in my ears, when in reality, it was only a quiet whimper. My pajamas were sticking to my skin in every possible place, cold and clammy, my fingers buried in the blanket. Without orientation, I turned my head, looking from left to right, my glance caught on the figure next to my bed.

I was already about to reach out for Kihyun again, as I noticed this time it was Wonho standing the closest to me. He was holding something in his hand, but I was too nervous to focus on anything other than what I had just seen.

"Is he--?" I choked out, my breath quick, "Did he--?"

Wonho was staring at me with a soft but slightly confused glance, and I could see someone behind him that looked like Hyungwon, but my sight was blurry and my hands were shaking; I didn't wait for his answer, instead looking down my body as I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

I was wearing a black shirt, the first one I had been able to reach for yesterday evening. While the soft fabric had seemed reassuring to me then, it only made the speed of my breathing increase now. I could feel the anxiety rising in my body, my hands coming down to reach for the hem as I tried dragging it over my head, a sharp pain resonating in my neck that I didn't care about the moment I threw the shirt away from me. It made a dull noise as it hit the floor.

Wonho and Hyungwon were staring at me as I bit down on my lip, turning towards them, my heart clenching with the fear of what they'd say, the fear that taking that shirt off hadn't helped at all, that they'd still tell me that--

Wonho was holding a little cupcake with a lit candle in his hand.

He smiled at me with a barely hidden sadness on his lips. "Happy Birthday, Changkyun."

_____________________________

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years - they are all just illusions created by humans, attempts to measure something that might not even exist or be a lot bigger than the smartest brain will ever be able to comprehend. Yet, it is astonishing how time can influence one's feelings or hopes for the future.

Sometimes, the seconds feel like hours for me, and other times, weeks pass in the blink of an eye. However, looking back, time always seems to be so much shorter than it feels in that exact moment. Maybe because most of the time, no matter what I was doing, I wanted it to pass faster, and so it initially felt a lot longer than I would've hoped for. The only time I remember the days skipping so incredibly fast was with Kihyun, the afternoons spent with silly jokes and soft touches. Time is a thing easy to forget when there are other things to focus on.

Without Kihyun, time passed slower. It was like dried gum, winding around my fingers and tying my wrists together. Every second seemed to take another moment longer, thinking about whether it should really pass for me or not. But gratefully, the next second I looked back at the previous one, it felt like it had passed so much faster than it had really done.

As I got out of the hospital, time resembled a song on my phone being held on pause. It skipped forward a bit when Kihyun's name and mine appeared on the paper like blots of ink spreading in front of my eyes, and then went into stand-by again. It's strange not to move while everything else is constantly changing; from my point of view I had a pretty good opportunity to compare.

"Don't even think about moving for the next two weeks," Hyungwon told me the morning after the first night I had spent in the dorm again, my eyes still puffy after a few meager hours of sleep. He was packing his bag for school and pointed at me with his science book like he was threatening to hit me with it if I didn't follow his instruction. "And even after that you better not think about moving any more than necessary."

I opened my mouth, ready to protest, when Wonho laid his hand soothingly on Hyungwon's shoulder. "Except for hospital visits."

Hyungwon sighed. "Except for hospital visits."

Somewhere between the night before and that morning, everyone had changed their attitude towards my situation. I was glad they actually dared to joke again. It wasn't like I was made out of porcelain. Even if my smile was a little strained, it felt better than not raising the corners of my mouth at all.

And so I didn't move that much for two weeks. Not particularly because I feared Hyungwon hurting me - his arms were so thin that I doubted he would've even been able to raise that book over his head - but rather because there wasn't that much to do for me. After leaving the hospital and its depressing atmosphere, instead spending my days and nights in the warm, familiar surroundings of my friends' dorm room, sleeping was easier on some days and harder on others. There were only two hours every day that counted for me, and the other time, I either slept, read, or laid in bed, staring at the floor next to me or outside the window.

The sky outside changed, from pitch black to grey or pastel blue to a deep orange. The rain changed, from soft drops to heavy storms. Wonho's clothes changed, sometimes he wore a rain jacket and on others days he took Hyungwon's coat with him. The cafeteria food went from bad to worse, and the pills became easier to swallow. The stories Jooheon, Minhyuk or Hyunwoo told me whenever they visited were different each day.

A thing I didn't particularly notice changing myself, although I probably should have, was my wound; the pain subsided over the weeks and became easier to bear whenever I stood up, which only happened between three and five times a day. Two or four times to go to the toilet, and one time to put on my shoes, sitting on the bed in an awkward angle not to strain my stomach too much, throw my jacket over my shoulders and prop myself on Hyungwon's shoulders as he led me out of the room and into the elevator.

And Kihyun was just like me - he didn't change. While the pain beneath my skin slowly vanished, the one in my mind stayed, just as he never moved when I entered the room. Sometimes, the others would stay a few minutes and talk to him a bit, but would always leave quickly to give us space. And while all the other time seemed to pass so slowly, whenever I was with Kihyun, it needed only the blink of an eye for us to part again.

Having no obligations the whole day, I had enough time to educate me on what to do. I read every article available on the Internet, until I landed on the 24th page of Google search results. Everything that seemed even remotely worth to save, I wrote down in memos. I asked Hyungwon to buy me a notebook and packed everything I needed into a bag I took with me to the hospital.

"I thought I'd write down everything in here," I explained to Kihyun the next day, as I was sitting next to him, wrapped in a blanket Wonho had given me. "When you wake up, you won't know about anything that happened in the time you were sleeping, and hopefully you'll be a little less confused if you have this to read."

And so I started writing. It was less private than a diary, but more intense at the same time. I wrote it before going to sleep and after waking up. I wrote about things the others told me, about unimportant details and jokes and about the things we did when we were together.

January 10th - I played your favorite songs today. Wonho got your earphones out of our room. I still don't dare to go inside. I don't know when I will. I miss you next to me. I feel like the bed will be too big without you in it.

January 13th - I read to you out of one of your books today. It wasn't a particularly interesting part, so I stopped midway - I hope you weren't too disappointed. Reading is hard because I like looking at you.

January 14th - I don't really dare to lie down next to you anymore ever since the nurses caught me, but I hope it's okay to hold your hand. I hope you can feel it. Jooheon told me he tries to keep track of the things you're missing at school, at least in the classes you share with him, so that you'll be able to revise stuff easily once you come back.

January 18th - Mrs Kim asked for you when Hyungwon and I came back today. She's been trying to help us in the best way possible, making sure the cafeteria prepares food for me on time, so that Hyungwon can go get it without having to wait; she even talked to Mrs Lee and some other teachers about my exams. Also ... you looked a lot better, today. Not so pale anymore. I hope it's because you're healing.

January 20th - Tomorrow after my visit I'll get my stitches out. I hope everything will go well. The two hours of visit are so short every day. But today we got through a whole chapter of the novel we started reading last week. I had to stop at a cliffhanger - I hope you don't mind having to wait another day to know how the story continues.

I got my stitches out on January 21th. It was less painful than I had imagined it to be, although I tried not to look at the wound to closely, nonetheless. The old bandage was replaced with a new one after the doctor spread some kind of lotion on my skin.

"How are you doing?" I hadn't met my nurse in a few days and smiled gratefully when she passed me on the hallways. Her voice was soft. "Have you been resting properly?"

"Now that I don't get to wander in the hallways for nights in a row anymore, I guess so." I lifted my shirt a bit, showing her the bandage. "Got my stitches out today."

"I'm glad," she responded, tilting her head slightly. "And, psychologically? Are you doing okay?"

"My friends are taking great care of me," I reassured her. "They leave me almost no space to worry."

That was, when they were awake, at least. When it was afternoon and they were trying to entertain me with funny stories and stupid tv shows, it was easier to forget what I was missing. At night, however, when the darkness tried to lull me to sleep, the weight on my chest felt suffocating. My sobbing was quieter, so that Wonho and Hyungwon would be able to get the sleep they deserved, but that didn't mean it stopped.

Hopeless was a word too strong to use, but something was pressing on my ribcage constantly. It was the uncertainty of how life would continue to go on. Until now, nobody had made any specific comments about school, but I knew things wouldn't be able to stay like this forever. I was floating in some bizarre state of being between normal consciousness and the wish to supress the reality. It was hardly describeable; it was like I was a child again, and everything someone gave me became a thing necessary to survive, so that once it was taken from me, my whole world seemed to crumble.

As children, I guessed, everything we possessed was so precious to us, because we hadn't yet learnt the ignorance of not seeing worth. As grown-ups, it was only when we connected something to someone we loved that we realized how crucial one single thing could be. It was more than just Kihyun to me; it was the empty space in the bed next to me, the way I missed talking in sign language, even such simple things as the soft red light of the fairy lights.

It were so many little things, and they were all I could focus on. I talked about them to nobody, because, what would've been there to say? It was hard to describe your feelings to someone, even if you were sure they would be able to understand. When you weren't that sure, however, it maybe wasn't even worth the try. Additionally, I felt like I was already making them bear enough responsibility.

Hyungwon and Wonho helped me whenever I needed to go to the bathroom and made sure to stay close by in case I would slip in the shower. They tried to distract me in the best way possible after realizing no matter how much they tried to talk to me about Kihyun, I almost never spilled anything. After the night I'd cried in their arms, not a single word about how much I missed him and how afraid I was had passed my lips. Talking about it made it seem so much more real, and whenever I was laying in Minhyuk's bed that had somehow become mine, knowing that no matter what I said, it wouldn't change anything about the situation, I tried to push it away from my thoughts in the most effective way possible.

That didn't mean I didn't think about Kihyun. I did all the time. I felt like there wasn't one moment I didn't think about him. I was so afraid that he'd slip out of my reach like sand through my fingers, and keeping him close in my mind whenever I wasn't able to be with him made me feel like I had at least a little bit of control.

And so he was the only thing I concentrated on, because I felt like the thought of him kept me sane.

At least, that was until I dreamt he died.

I just stared at Wonho as I woke up, my shirt having landed somewhere in the corner of the room. My mind couldn't comprehend what was going on; I felt like my brain was screaming at me.

"Happy Birthday."

I had never thought it was possible for me to forget my own birthday. It had never occured to me someone could be so caught up in other things that they'd forget the day they had been born. But I noticed that, while I had really forgotten it, everyone else had just not make it a topic. In a situation like mine, when they all felt there wasn't much I was able to put any energy in, they'd wanted not to bother me with it until now.

"Changkyun?" Hyungwon asked, and I could hear the evident worry in his voice. "What happened?"

I noticed I was shaking as I looked at him, searching for words on my tongue. The dream was so vivid in front of my eyes that I almost felt myself reaching out for Kihyun, begging him to stay with me for just a while longer, that he couldn't leave without me.

"K-Kihyun?" I asked, not to anyone specific, yet in Hyungwon's direction. Wonho placed the cupcake on the nightstand as he sat down on the mattress next to me, taking my hand in his while Hyungwon furrowed his eyebrows, opening his mouth to voice an answer. But before he could, I added: "Was ... was Kihyun here?"

Of course he hadn't been here, and I knew it. I knew perfectly well what I had seen had only been a dream; there was no way for it to be real. But I could still feel his touch, the anxiety clawing at my bones. My breath was hitching in my chest.

"Did something happen?" I asked, my voice rushing over the syllables. "Did something happen to him? Did you hear something about him? Did you--"

"He's fine," Wonho interrupted me, smiling softly. "Don't worry. Nothing bad happened."

"What do you mean by "Was he here"?" Hyungwon asked, blinking at me with a confused glance. He seemed so lost in the situation that I could feel the guilt rising inside of me.

"Did you dream about him?" Wonho's grip on my hand was reassuring. Hyungwon's eyes widened slightly like he finally understood what was going on.

I nodded, a bit reluctant at first. I feared they wouldn't understand my dream or just laugh at it - deep inside I was aware of the fact that they'd never do that, but in my confused state of mind it was hard to distinguish fear and reality. "I ... I saw him," I whispered, not really sure what else to say. Wonho seemed to understand my struggles, because he didn't ask me anything more, instead silently interpreting the situation by himself.

"You'll be cold without a shirt," he said quietly, getting up and walking to the closet. He took out one of my shirts that seemed to be a green color, handing it to me. As I tried to get it over my head, he knelt down beside the bed to pick up the black one I had just taken off, and threw it at Hyungwon, whispering something in his direction that I couldn't understand.

"I'll go get a few more t-shirts out of your closet this afternoon, okay?" His smile in the soft morning light falling through the window made the fear a bit more bearable. "You won't have to wear any black clothes anymore."

I had always known Wonho was good at reading people, understanding and helping them if they needed support. But the fact he'd picked up with what was going on so fast was making my chest ache nonetheless. I hoped my smile looked sincere as I blew out the single candle on the cupcake, Hyungwon quietly humming Happy Birthday.

"Thank you," I whispered.

And I meant it.

My birthday had never been anything special for me. Usually, ever since I had been going to this school, I went to a restaurant with Jooheon, Hyungwon and Wonho, and spent the night watching my kdramas an hour longer than usual. My birthday was never a big occasion for me, it was a day like every other day; and especially that day, as I woke up to dried tears in the corners of my eyes, I thought, this would be my worst birthday ever.

And it wasn't my best. But it maybe wasn't my worst, either.

Living in constant sunshine, a moving cloud can dim your mood; but living with clouds blocking every ray of sunshine, a moving cloud can suddenly mean the world to you. And the phone call I got that afternoon, Hyungwon behind me doing his homework and Wonho taking a shower, it was like that one moving cloud for me.

I didn't think of anything as the phone on my nightstand started vibrating. I reached out for it, blindly guessing it would be a call from Jooheon or maybe Minhyuk, asking me if I needed anything from the city as they had done so often during the last few weeks. Only when my eyes focused on the display, my heart dropped inside of my chest.

"Changkyun?" Hyungwon asked, turning around in his chair, apparently to ask a question about his homework, when his eyes caught on the phone in my hand. "Oh. Won't you answer?"

I was still staring at it. It was a call from Kihyun's aunt. And that could either mean good or bad news, and I knew which one was a lot more likely. And somehow, I would've liked if time just stopped in that second, or maybe if the phone stopped ringing. I wished Hyungwon would just take it and answer it, but at the same time, I was so afraid of what expression he would wear on his face upon hearing the first words Kihyun's aunt told him on the phone.

I couldn't bear anyone that wasn't me hearing it before me, and so I raised the device with my shivering hand, accepting the call before pressing it against my ear. All I could hear for a second was my own breath, and then Kihyun's aunt's voice passed through the speakers and with the first word she spoke, I felt like collapsing onto the bed in sheer relief.

"Breathing!" she seemed to cry through the phone. "He's breathing, Changkyun, he's breathing. Breathing. Breathing, on his own, breathing!"

I'd already sat up, but my body leaned forward even more, the slight dull pain in my stomach going unnoticed as I pressed my eyes together and gasped for air. I hadn't noticed how I'd held my breath in fear of what she would say - of what I had been sure she would say. I could almost hear the feared words in the back of my mind, cruel voices whispering them into my ears. But they weren't true. He hadn't left. He hadn't left like I had dreamt it. He hadn't left me.

"The doctors say they still can't tell us, when ... if he will wake up. But the fact that he started breathing again shows that his body healed to a certain degree, and that means the chances might be slightly higher he survives this on a long term." Her voice was shaking just as much as mine. "This is because of you, Changkyun. I can feel it. And Kihyun can feel it, too."

"I did nothing," I whispered, leaning onto Hyungwon who had sat down next to me upon hearing the news.

"No," she responded. "You were there."

Kihyun breathing was the moving cloud it needed for me to make time run again; it didn't tell us anything about if he'd ever open his eyes again, but it gave me the little hope I needed to go on. Color seemed to fill the grey edges once more, and someone pressed play on the song of my mind.

"Are you sure you'll be able to sleep?" Jooheon's voice was laced with worry as he stood next to me, carrying the luggage that had somehow build up since I had been out of the hospital, clothes and toiletry the others had gotten me from my room or the convenience store. Now that I was moving out of Hyungwon, Wonho and Minhyuk's shared room and back into my own, it was time to put everything back to where it belonged. And while Kihyun wasn't here yet, I still felt like belonging into our room again.

"I'll call you if something happens," I responded, trying to reassure him. I wasn't the only one who had changed during the last few days and weeks. I could see the bags under Jooheon's eyes. The worry about Kihyun kept us all awake, in one way or another. It wasn't my place to make him worry even more.

Somehow, during all those nights, as I had avoided getting into our room to get my stuff, much less trying to sleep in my bed again, I had imagined the sole action of opening the door so much more difficult. But as time stared moving again, it was easier for me to see the possibility of it not being the start of me opening the door on my own forever; I was starting to see clearer again.

That didn't mean it didn't hurt to step into the room; even the scent in the air reminded me of Kihyun, much more the fairy lights in every possible spot or the bed, covers still neatly made like he had left them three weeks ago. It seemed like an eternity had passed, and yet like I had just slept one night to wake up to all of this. But I refused to see being reminded of Kihyun as something bad anymore. I thought about him all the time, so there was no way of me thinking even more about him than I was doing now; and maybe, maybe thinking about him had really made him breathe again. It was the hope I was holding onto, because other than thinking about him, there was not much I could do.

And so I thought about him. Jooheon helped me put the clothes back in the closet, as I resisted the urge to reach for Kihyun's. I put my toothbrush next to where his was, and laid down on the bed he normally shared with me, if we weren't spending the night in his.

The room seemed as empty as the space next to me, but I tried not to think about what was missing, and instead about what would hopefully soon be there again.

________________________________

"Tomorrow?" I asked, my mouth stuffed with ramen. I quickly pulled the bowl closer to me so nothing would drip onto the sheets, and tried to swallow everything in one go. "Tomorrow?"

Jooheon nodded, propping his chin on his knee. He was leaning against the wall behind him, his glance on the folder next to him on the mattress, several pieces of paper wildly spread on the whole bed. I waited for further response, chopsticks floating in the air in front of me, as I could feel a halfhearted punch in my side, way too light to be meant seriously.

"Hey, continue eating," Minhyuk told me, eyes soft but determined. I smiled, reaching for another bundle of noodles. I hadn't eaten much until now, no matter how much they had tried to get me to eat. It was obvious by how much weight I had lost. My jeans were sitting loosely on my hips, the reason I mostly wore sweatpants, and if I stretched right in front of the mirror I could count my ribs.

They all worried about me, and even though the food still didn't taste well on my tongue, I tried to stuff my mouth just for them not to be so concerned anymore. The last three days, it had been easier, ever since I had heard the good news. I didn't feel like throwing everything up anymore, although now I could've, hidden in my own room. When I had still been living with Hyungwon and Wonho, they had caught me bent over the toilet once and that had been it.

Minhyuk seemed satisfied, watching me go on eating the ramen Wonho - who else? - had organized for me after school. Compared to the cafeteria food, it had been the first dish until now that didn't cause me nausea at first bite, but Jooheon's comment had soon changed things. Now anxiety was eating me up from inside once more, and the soup felt cold in my mouth.

"You'll miss too many exams if you don't come back," Jooheon explained, reaching for one of the papers and handing it to me. Before I could take it, Minhyuk had already done so, hushing me to continue eating. "Your doctor said it'd be okay for you to stand up and walk around more by now, and I think you'll just have more problems to catch up if you stay home any longer."

"I don't want to go back." My voice was quiet but determined. I had tried to suppress any thoughts about school during the last few weeks, and being confronted with them like this now all of a sudden made me want to hide beneath a blanket and never come out again. "Is there no way for me to just ... I don't know, study here and take the tests by myself?"

"You shouldn't be studying all of this on your own," Jooheon interrupted and lifted one stack of papers up as if to show me how much I would have to understand without explanation. "It's our last year, so if you don't pass your tests you'll have to repeat. And do you really want to end up with Minhyuk and Hyunwoo?"

A pillow hit him on his shoulder as Minhyuk laughed. He shook his head, shooting the couple next to me an apologetic smile.

"Don't you think it would be better to ... get out of your room a bit?" Minhyuk sounded cautious, and it made guilt pool in my stomach. I didn't want them to treat me like I was a raw egg; just because I was hurting didn't mean they had to worry about me constantly.

"I'd rather stay inside," I responded honestly. "I don't really feel like dealing with all of those people."

"But you'll have to go back sooner or later," Hyunwoo added for the first time in a few minutes. He was sitting on the other side of the bed; I had noticed how he and Minhyuk tried to keep their distance whenever I was around, just like Hyungwon and Wonho did. Even Seoyeon was reluctant to show skinship with Jooheon whenever she visited, mainly to provide me with food from the restaurant or distract me with funny stories about customers. It seemed like they all did their best not to remind me of what was missing.

"Look, Changkyun ..." Jooheon pressed his lips together. He didn't seem too keen on delivering the news. "I think it would be better if you got back into a more ... normal routine again? I don't really like that you're all alone in the mornings. I'd rather have you be with us in class."

I hadn't known me spending my mornings alone in my room bothered them so much, but now that Jooheon had told me, it seemed understandable. It wasn't like I was going to do something stupid. But I also couldn't say it didn't made me feel even more alone. Sleeping on my own made me wake up before sunrise, and the earliest one of them could come by to pay me company was in the late afternoon.

I shrugged; I knew Jooheon, and I knew that if he thought that would be the best for me, it was likely I'd end up doing exactly that anyways. There was point in fighting about it. Even my wound wasn't a reason to say no anymore. It was still healing, and most likely a scar would stay, but it didn't hurt anymore, except for a slight strain sometimes if I moved too much or too fast.

Minhyuk saw my shrug as a sign of approvement. He reached for the bowl of ramen, lifting it so that it would be easier for me to eat, and successfully prevented any objection I could have wanted to voice.

And so I found myself in front of the school the next morning. Jooheon had made it his task to pick me up, help me dress and pack my bag. He seemed a lot more relieved to take me with him instead of leaving me alone in my room. I didn't know how to thank him; he had collected all the stuff I had missed the last three weeks, organized it in a folder and given it to me so I wouldn't have to worry about that. Everyone took so much care of me I didn't know how to pay them back.

"We have math in the first period," Jooheon explained as we stood next to the entrance door, watching the other students enter one by one. I'd have to go into all of my classes except for sign language class; Mrs Lee had told me it was fine if I showed up for the exam only, as I already knew everything that would be asked of me.

"I think I'll throw up," I whispered, loud enough for Jooheon to hear me. He sighed, laying an arm around my shoulders as if to make me feel safe.

"The day won't be long. I'll be in almost all of your classes."

If there was one thing I hadn't missed, it was math class. Fortunately, Mr Choi ignored me throughout the whole period, and I had enough time to actually catch up with most of the studies I had missed. He even overlooked Jooheon's and my obvious conversations whenever I didn't understand something. Normally he would've given us detention, but this time, he seemed to be blind towards everthing I did.

It was okay. I hadn't expected feeling particularly bad or good about the day at school. It was a piece of normality, as Kihyun didn't have any classes besides sign language with me anyways. The only thing I had feared would bother me were the masses of students in the hallways, the loud voices I wasn't used to anymore. But even that didn't seem to stress me too much. At least until the break inbetween periods, when I suddenly noticed what exactly had been off.

The moment I saw Doyoung and his friends in the hallway, I was reminded of what had been missing in math class - them. Apparently their suspension had ended, but they still skipped classes, almost as if wanting to provoke another one. I was grateful - the less time I had to spend with them, the better.

But like this, I hadn't been able to prepare for meeting them; if there had even been something to prepare for. I didn't know how to feel when I stepped out of the classroom, Jooheon right behind me, and saw them standing next to my locker, laughing about something I couldn't hear from the distance.

"We should go somewhere else," Jooheon behind me said, trying to get me to distance myself from them, but I couldn't. I was frozen, like I was in shock. Every memory that included them came crashing down on me. I felt something pressing against my neck, almost as if an invisible hand was choking me.

"I have to get my books," I responded, ignoring Jooheon's proposition, instead taking a few steps forward, getting closer to where they were standing. People around them were chatting loudly, about different things I couldn't decipher. My hand closed around the lock, trying to remember the code. I didn't even have any books inside. Jooheon had given all of them to me the day before.

I heard the laughing die down before Doyoung's voice cut through the silence.

"Oh, look who's back," he laughed, nodding in my direction. His friends seemed to push him forward, until he was standing right next to me, leaning against the row of lockers like he owned them. "I almost thought I'd been lucky enough to have gotten rid of you after you showed up in front of my door."

I didn't answer. I wanted to say something, but at the same time I didn't even know why I had walked up to him. The choking feeling around my throat was growing more intense; I felt like I couldn't swallow anymore.

"Where have you been, huh?" he sneered, chuckling. "Did you take a nice little holiday with your little puppy? Bet the principal made an exeption for you after you kissed his ass, didn't he?"

He laughed. "Or were you just too afraid to face us again? Maybe you and your little mute friend's face need another --"

Every single voice in the hallway died down one after another as I laid my hands around Doyoung's throat, pushing him back against the lockers before dragging him down onto the floor. I could feel the blood rushing in my ears as I fell down onto his body, leaning my whole weight onto him as I pressed harder with my hands. He was staring at me, his smirk leaving his face as I screamed at him.

"You fucking asshole!" I shouted, my fingertips digging into his skin. "It's all your fault! It's all your fault! You hurt him! You hurt him all this time! I thought it was you! I thought it was you all along!"

He gasped for air as my grip loosened, but didn't have much time to recover as my fist hit his cheekbone. His head flew to the side as he let out a strained groan.

"If you hadn't hurt him I'd known it was his father!" I screamed into his face, another punch landing on his face. "It's your fault! It's your fault that he's dying! How can you sleep at night?! How can you sleep knowing you're part of the reason he suffers like this?! How can you look into the mirror anymore?! How do you dare laugh if he--"

I could feel hands trying to pull me off Doyoung, but I didn't budge.

"Changkyun!" someone behind me called. Doyoung was holding his head, blood dripping onto the floor, a blurred red spot in my sight. Pain was shooting through my knuckles as they met his face once more. Only as I was about to land the next hit, I was pushed back by several pairs of hands, landing on the floor with a groan.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jooheon somewhere next to me asked me, trying to pull me up as I struggled to get onto my knees. I was crying, I noticed as my fingers came in contact with my wet skin.

Doyoung in front of me was sitting up, wiping the blood off his face with the back of his sleeve.

"What's wrong with you?!" he shouted, trying to stand up and get over to me, but his friends held him back. Everyone around us was looking at us, whispers floating in the air and the sound of heels on the linoleum floor. The sharp voice of a teacher cut through the silence, but I couldn't make out the exact words. I was feeling dizzy, nausea making my sight blur; Jooheon managed to pull me up as the teacher leaned over Doyoung, giving orders to different students to get paper towels from the bathroom to stop the blood flow, but I couldn't focus on any of it. Jooheon tried to hold me back, but I slipped out of his grip, stumbling backwards before turning around and beginning to walk in the opposite direction.

Students were walking out of the way to let me through, scared and appalled glances passing over my skin as I ran towards the entrance door. I pushed it open with my shoulder, slipping through, and was ready to run off, until I felt fingers around my wrist. I stopped, lacking the energy to flee as Jooheon pulled me close and held me tight.

"Shhh," he tried to calm me down, his hand patting the back of my head. "Shhh, it's okay."

I clung onto him, my sobs dying down slowly. The back of my hand against my mouth, I took a step back, nodding in the direction of the dorm building. "C-can we go home, p-please?"

Jooheon was silent for a second. I could see the conflict in his eyes.

"Changkyun, no", he then said slowly. "You can't always run away. You'll have to go to school tomorrow, too, and the day after that, and next week. I ... I get why you did that to Doyoung, but you can't leave now."

"You ... you really want me to go back inside?" I asked. "Go back inside to that asshole and just forget what he did?"

"I'm not asking you to forget," he responded. "I'm just asking you to try and ... go on with your life. I get you hate him, I do too. And you took revenge now, okay. But you can't run away."

"You're asking me to go on with my life?" I almost laughed. "With my normal life, huh? With the life I had before all of this happened? Then you're basically asking me to forget."

He didn't even try to deny it further. "Maybe I am. But maybe it would be good for you. I don't ... I don't know what else to tell you, Changkyun. I don't know how one can go on without forgetting."

"I don't want to go on."

"Do you think I haven't noticed that?" He inhaled deeply, a sad smile on his lips. "I did. I noticed how you behave. I noticed how you don't eat. You've become so thin, Changkyun, and it's barely been a month. I'm afraid you'll collapse whenever I'm not around you. In the mornings, when I leave you in your room, I am afraid you won't be there when I come back. I'm afraid to see blood stains on your shirt when you don't take enough care of your wound. When you said you didn't want to go to school, I knew it wasn't because of classes, or people, or anything. It's because you can't imagine going to school without Kihyun. You want time to stop, or, to stop things from moving without Kihyun being around."

His glance was devastated. "But you can't do that. I know you don't want to see it, but I don't know how to help you."

"Who said I needed your help?" I couldn't suppress the sharp tone in my voice. "Do you know how hard it is to live like this? I dream about him every night. I have no idea when he will be with me again. And everyone here is behaving like there's nothing missing!"

"We're not." He sounded helpless. "Nobody here is denying he's missing. We're all just rying to cope with it. You can't go on like this. I don't care if you want to go on or not, you just have to."

"I won't," I responded, hands shaking next to my body. "I won't go on without him. I'll go on when he comes back."

Jooheon looked at me, the sadness in his eyes something I couldn't ignore, no matter how hard I tried. He hesitated with his answer, I could see the way his mouth opened and closed, until he said:

"Changkyun ... what if he'll never come back?"

My body was frozen. The blood stopped flowing in my veins. "He will. I know he will."

"You can't know. I am not trying to make you lose your hope, I know he started breathing again--"

"He did. He breathes. He will wake up, he will wake up, he will--"

"I want him to wake up, too." Jooheon shook his head. "I'm never against you. God, there is nothing I wish for more than for Kihyun to wake up ... but I can't have you forgetting your own life. Even if he does, we have no idea how long it will take. What if it takes years? If you go on like that, you won't be there by that time. You think I don't notice how you don't sleep, don't eat, don't take care of yourself, I don't--"

"How can you say something like this?!" I cried, shaking. "How can you even think about saying something like this?!"

"I just want you to remember you have a life too!" Jooheon screamed back. His eyes were teary, too. "You had a life before he came, and you will have a life after he -- you can also have a life without him." He lowered his glance. "I'm so afraid of also losing you, Changkyun."

"I won't give his father that victory, too," I whispered, my voice breaking inbetween the words. "I won't go anywhere. I will stay here until Kihyun comes back. I don't care how long it will take. He will come back to me, okay? I don't care about what any of you think! He'd never leave me alone."

"You can't treat yourself like time has stopped until he eventually does!" Jooheon shouted. "You can't keep on being like this! Do you think Kihyun would be happy seeing you like this?! Starving yourself and failing in school and-- do you think he would like to see that if he wakes up?"

"If?" Tears were streaming down my face. "If?"

But Jooheon just looked at me. There was nothing else to say.

"He will wake up!" I screamed, sobbing, taking a step back and then another one. "He will wake up! I know he will! He will wake up!"

I turned around, stumbling along the pathway towards the dorm building, not caring if Jooheon would follow me or not.

He didn't. The moment I pushed the door towards Kihyun's and my shared room open, I already felt like my legs were about to give up. I needed him. I needed Kihyun. I needed him to wrap his arms around me. But one month had passed, and Jooheon was right - there was no way to know if he would ever wake up. What if I waited for him for years, for decades, without him opening his eyes ever again to look at me?

I opened the doors of the closet, blindly reaching inside and taking out one of Kihyun's shirts. Hurrying to get mine off my body, I put his on, the fabric almost comforting on my skin. I raised the collar and pressed it against my nose, inhaling his scent that was hidden somewhere beneath the distinctive smell of fabric softener. It was him.

I had avoided even touching his bed until now, afraid it would look different than before once he came back. Jooheon had been right: I wanted to keep everything just like it had been before. I wanted to conserve every little thing in the hopes things would go back to normal quicker. But it was destroying me. And so I couldn't hold on any longer; I fell down on his bed, pulling everything he had ever touched closer to me.

Kihyun had always been a scent for me; now that I could smell it once more in my nose after such a long time, I could feel the sobs working their way through my body. It was so overwhelmingly him that I had no idea how I should go on without it. How was I supposed to?

"I'm so sorry," I whispered into the pillow as I pressed the blanket against my chest. "You'd ne-never want to see me li-like this. I-I'm s-so sorry."

I could almost feel his fingers brushing a strand of hair out of my face.

"I'll be better for you, okay?"

My voice was barely audible.

"I'll be someone better for you."

________________________________________

The bag was heavy in my hand. I just hoped no water had leaked through, as the fabric on the outside was soaking wet. Even inside the building, the sounds of the heavy rain falling from the sky were audible. It had started raining a few hours ago, the greyish clouds slowly letting go of all their sorrow and pain.

Inside the hospital, it was relatively quiet. The weather seemed to be the reason for the silence in the hallways. Even the distinctive sounds of the nurses' heels on the floor weren't to be heard. I felt like I was the only person present as I entered the new unit.

Kihyun had been admitted to another part of the hospital, after he had started breathing on his own again. He no longer was in the intensive care unit. I decided it reassured me that he wasn't connected to endless medical devices anymore. The mask on his face had disappeared, so that now there were only two tiny tubes that went into his nostrils to provide him with a sufficient amount of oxygen. The needle in the back of his hand and the wires stayed, but he didn't look all that pale anymore. It made hope bloom in my chest.

"Hey, baby," I said as I entered the room, placing the bag on the table and taking my jacket off as I walked up to him and leaned down to press a kiss onto his cheek. It was reassuring how warm his skin was. I had the impression his body really was healing. No one could know about his mind, but that was something I didn't dare to think about.

"How are you feeling today?" I opened the zipper of the bag, looking inside with a satisfied smile. "I hope you're ready for a bit of a change, because I have a surprise. But don't look until I'm ready, okay?"

I took out the contents of the bag, placing them on the table, and got to work.

I talked about nothing and everything as I prepared the room. About the stuff that had happened at school, about how Wonho tried to feed me three bowls of ramen four times a day, about the way it rained and how it reminded me of the day we had been travelling around Seoul, when we had stayed in that old cinema, watching a children's movie I didn't even remember because I had been so focused on Kihyun.

"Okay," I whispered once I was ready, pulling the chair closer to the bed and taking Kihyun's hand in mine. "I think you can also see it with your eyes closed, but just to make sure, I'll describe you how it looks ..."

I smiled as I placed the plushie on my lap next to him beneath the blanket. "Okay, so this is our, um, plushie? Why did we never give it a name? You can choose one, if you want. It's the one I gave you as a birthday present, do you remember?"

He looked so soft, so fragile, laying so small inbetween blanket and pillow, the plushie tucked securely under his arm. His lashes weren't fluttering, but his bangs were falling over his forehead, his lips maybe a bit less pale than the day before.

"I also brought a few of your other favorite things with me. I don't think the nurses would like it if I placed mistletoes all over the place, but I guess they won't have anything against a few fairy lights, right?"

The room was bright. A different kind of bright than the bright that came from the hospital lights on the ceiling. It was a soft kind of bright; the red above Kihyun's head, where I had placed the first row of lights, the rainbow colors on the table and the yellow light at the end of the bed. There was white light next to the door and blue light around the frame of the window.

"I'll miss them in our room," I whispered, "but I think you need them more right now. I'll turn them on whenever I'm here, and maybe I can talk to the nurse to turn them on for an hour or two in the evenings, when it's dark outside."

I imagined to feel his hand tightly gripping mine. It wasn't, but I was sure, one day it would.

"Remember when you told me you'd wait for me?" I asked, my voice quiet in the softly illuminated room. "You waited a lot of times for me. I'm a really slow person, ain't I? I think it's time for me to wait for you, too."

I could feel his heartbeat under my fingertips as I brushed a strand of hair out of his face.

"I'll wait for you, Kihyun."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!
> 
> I am so happy I finally found the time and passion to write this chapter, even though my exams aren't fully finished yet (but soon hehe!).
> 
> This is the last real chapter, and a long epilogue will follow in the next two weeks. There's also a video edit that I made when I first started writing this story that I will upload with the epilogue, so please look forward to it!
> 
> Now, let's go on with the story ... and the last real chapter. I love you, and thank you for reading <3

"How about a trip to Seoul?"

The air around me was warm, humid almost. The thin cotton shirt I was wearing was sticking to my skin as I let my glance wander to the left.

"Seoul?" There was a certain surprise to the voice. "I have holidays for the whole week, don't you want to go somewhere closer to the ocean? I mean, how about Busan?"

"Hmm ..." The woman propped her chin on the palm of her hand and tilted her head. "No, I'm not really keen on swimming ... I'd rather spent a whole week with you doing just ... really spontaneous things!" She smiled brightly, taking his hand in hers and raising her shoulders as she laughed. "Please! We can do literally anything. I'm content with even sitting in a book store for hours, as long as it is with you ..."

"Changkyun?"

I snapped out of my thoughts, turning my head away from the couple at the table on the opposite site of the coffee shop, and instead focused on the woman in front of me again as my hands closed painfully tight around the cup I was holding between them.

"Hm?" I asked, unconsciously raising my eyebrows as I blinked in an attempt to get back into the conversation again. "Sorry, I ... must have spaced out there for a second."

Kihyun's aunt laughed, her hair bouncing around her face nicely. She had cut it into a bob one or two months ago, so now it was just slightly longer than her chin. It suited her.

"I just asked how studying is going," she explained, taking a sip of her coffee as I smiled.

"Ah, studying," I laughed, scratching my neck awkwardly. "What is there to say? I've made some plans but mostly I just revise the tests from the previous years and try to work on the stuff I don't quite remember." I bit on my lip. "To be honest, sometimes I end up asking Minhyuk or Hyunwoo for help ..."

"Even though they are one year below you?"

"Even though they are one year below me." We both laughed. "Well, both of them have better grades than I do, so that's at least one excuse."

She nodded, smiling. "Well, I still remember my last year in highschool. It wasn't fun, to say the least. But looking back, the hard times always pass so much faster than you think they do. Just hold on a bit, yeah?"

I chuckled. "Sure."

The coffee in my cup was getting colder, but I couldn't bring myself to finish it completely. The last few weeks, I had made an effort of drinking less energy or soft drinks, trying to renounce on coffeeine in general in order to be healthier. I wasn't used to coffee anymore. It tasted bitter on my tongue.

Additionally, it had become far too warm outside to drink something hot. Last week, summer had apparently made its sudden appearance. Even though it was still cold in the shadows, feeling the sun on my skin made me sweat already. The air conditioner in my room was switched on almost every night by now.

"... okay?"

I looked up, taken aback once again. It happened frequently lately than I just spaced out in the middle of a conversation. I told myself it was because of the amount of studying I had done in the last few weeks. I felt like there wasn't a part of my brain left that wasn't occupied with formulas or whole paragraphs I had just learnt by heart.

Kihyun's aunt smiled softly. "I asked, are you doing okay?"

"Of course I am," I answered. "I am fine. You ask me that every time we meet."

"Which isn't very often in the last few weeks considering how much you have to study." She nodded slowly, almost as if to herself. "I feel responsible for taking care of you. I mean, taking care of you outside of ... whenever we meet on the hospital floors."

I raised the corners of my mouth slightly. At first, that had been the only occasion at which we had seen each other. And even then, I had been awkward - with the weight of guilt on my shoulders, it wasn't entirely easy to confront Kihyun's aunt. But she was such a warm and lovely person, there had been no way around meeting up with her more often, maybe just for a cup of coffee like we were doing right now, to catch up with each other and make sure the other was okay. Although she had surely been taking better care of me than the other way around.

"You don't have to worry about me anymore," I responded. "You and my friends already did that enough for a lifetime. I think each one of them would kill me singlehandedly if I ever dared to behave like back then again."

"I'm glad then."

There was a split second of doubt in her eyes, but it vanished before I could even properly focus on it. Forcing myself to take another sip of my coffee - as she had paid for it and there was no way I was going to be ungrateful -, I looked out of the shop window next to me. Outside on the streets, families, couples and friends were walking next to each other, a few businessmen in suits in between, here and there an old lady carrying a basket with vegetables or fruits.

"So what do you wanna do when you've graduated school?" Now, there was a sense of curiousness in her eyes. "Any big plans for the future?"

Somehow I felt like she had been holding back asking this question for a while. But by now, with my graduation in reachable distance, it made sense to focus on the future. Still, I hadn't been quite able to spend more than one or two thoughts once in a while on it lately. It was still so far away for me, at least it felt like that.

But I had promised everyone I would try. There was no harm in trying, was there? And I knew what I wanted to do. I had known it for a long time, I felt like, it had just taken me an eternity to phrase it in a way that my conscience would understand and accept.

"I'd really like to work as a ..." I blinked down at my cup before looking up again. "As a teacher for sign language."

She seemed to be surprised for a second. Her smile fell for a very short time, nothing more than a few mere moments, until it appeared again; it was genuine, although this time, there seemed to be a certain sadness in it.

"That's ... that's great!" she answered, reaching out for my hand on the table and squeezing it affectionately. "Where do you want to go to university? Seoul? Or somewhere entirely else?" Her eyes were shining. "Oh, wait, I have a friend that knows a lot about it, two of her sons went to university to study teaching, maybe I could ask her for--"

"I'm going to stay here," I interrupted her. "I know it would be amazing to study in Seoul, but ... next to university life, I think it would be too much of a struggle to take the bus here every day. It's just too much distance. I'll try to get admission for a university here."

She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I already figured you'd say something like this. I thought about transferring Kihyun into a hospital that is closer to me, but if you're staying here, of course I won't."

My eyes widened. "No, no, please, I don't want to be the reason you can only see him once or twice a week -- if it's more convenient for you, it's totally fine if you--"

She shook her head. "Don't worry. The doctors said there were some risks with having him transferred and adding to that, the doctors in any other hospital don't even know his medical story. It would be best to let him stay here. And it's not like it's that far way. It's most important to me that you get to visit him every day."

I smiled. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me, darling." She winked. "If it weren't for you, I would be a lot more worried. I know you're taking a lot of care of him. I just hope you're taking as much care of yourself."

I awkwardly scratched my neck. "Let's say it like this, there hasn't been a major conflict with neither Jooheon nor Wonho in the last four weeks, so I am optimistic."

"Oh, those sweethearts!" She laughed. "I'm really glad I was able to meet all of them through all that happened. That's at least one positive thing."

I nodded, agreeing, taking the last sip as she reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of paper with a date and time scribbled onto it.

"Does our dinner for Sunday still stand?" she asked, pushing into over the tablecloth towards me. Her handwriting was neat and small. "I wrote it down because I know how many things you currently have in your head."

I smiled. "Sure. I'll try to get everything I need to study for Monday done before it, so I won't have to worry about falling asleep on the bus."

"The offer still stands," she solely replied, referring to her offering me to use the guestroom in her house. In the recent weeks, it had become a habit to eat at her house on Sundays. But although I was always tired afterwards, and ready to just fall into a bed with a full stomach, I never accepted her offer. It didn't feel right without ... It didn't feel right.

We were already on our way outside when the phone in my pocket rang. Jooheon's hilarious face was showing on its screen, and I couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

"Yo, where are you?" he greeted me with a nagging voice. "I came over to revise history with you, but your door is locked."

"Didn't I tell you I was going to meet up with Kihyun's aunt?" I asked, following her along the sidewalk as we got closer to her car.

"You ... did, actually. Don't judge me, I forget everything these days ... ugh, so what am I supposed to do now?"

"Why don't you just go study with Seoyeon?"

"She has a job and a life and can't just be with her handsome and amazing boyfriend the whole day, although she would very much like to."

"I'll hang up now."

"Hey, wait a second!"

I slipped onto the passenger seat as she unlocked the car. "Hm?"

"Do you want to watch a movie with Wonho, Minhyuk and me when you come home?"

"What movie?"

"It might be a bit scary. It might be very scary, actually."

"So Minhyuk's there."

"Yes."

"That brat ... He only wants to scare you," I laughed. "Anyways, we're driving to the hospital right now. I don't know when I'll come home. Yes, I will eat something. And I'll go to bed early. Just don't wait for me, yeah?"

We talked for a bit more about the plans for next week, and when I hung up, we had almost already reached the hospital parking lot. Kihyun's aunt next to me was smiling, and turned the car into a street on the right side.

"I'm glad you're getting along well again."

She always said that when it came to my friends, and could only agree with her. Ever since my rather big fight with Jooheon our relationship had been a bit strained, maybe also because of me refusing to give in to his apologies in the beginning. Only when the so long awaited apology on my side had broken out of my lips, things had gone back to normal between us two. By now, it was like nothing had ever happened, thankfully. But I couldn't forget his words. They haunted me in my nightmares and whenever there was a free space in my head during the day.

What if he never wakes up?

Jooheon was taking more care of me than I had ever taken care of anyone. Maybe our little argument had also opened my eyes - there would have been no way for me to go on like that. I had to eat, to sleep ... even if it was hard sometimes. But Jooheon and Wonho and everyone else reminded me I had to. And I was grateful in a way I wasn't able to express.

The hospital floors were as cold and unpleasant as they were every day. By now, I had became accoustumed to the prominent smell of desinfectant and the noise that the hospital beds made when they were being rolled through the building. Seeing how I came here every day, it should have felt more like home by now, but I doubted it ever would. There was just something about it that I didn't like, and that something was most likely also the reason why I had put so much effort into changing Kihyun's room into something that felt warmer and friendlier.

"Will you leave the fairy lights here during summer?" his aunt asked as we entered, placing her handbag on the table as she looked around the room.

"I think so, yeah," I responded, walking up to his bed. "The nurse promised me she'd tell one of her collegues to turn them on when she's on vacation."

She went on talking about the room and the changes I had made over the months. Adding to the fairy lights and the plushie, I had placed colorful blankets over the hospital ones, a vase with flowers I changed every few days on the table and some pictures on the bedside table. Even though he couldn't see them, I was sure he'd be able to feel them being next to him. One was of his aunt and him, arm in arm on the couch in her home, smiling into the camera, the second one one we had taken back then when we had been in Seoul for our little roadtrip ... I remembered the conversation I had overheard in the café and quickly swallowed my emotions.

"Hey there," I said, my voice quiet, taking his hand in mine. "How are you doing today?"

Even though his room had changed so much in the three months that had passed ever since his aunt had told me he was breathing on his own over the phone, he himself hadn't changed at all. The only difference were the machines around his bed that had now slightly diminished, and the look of his face, that wasn't hidden behind a hundred tubes anymore, but instead only insignificantly covered by two small transparent tubes leading into his nostrils.

"Hey, sweetie," his aunt greeted him, laying her fingers around the bedframe. "What is my favorite nephew doing? I hope the things you are dreaming about aren't that much more fun than reality with us."

I had to laugh. "You think he dreams?"

The light of the lamp on the ceiling reflected on the heart-shaped necklace. I always made sure it laid between his collarbones, in the hopes he could somehow feel it there. His features were as soft as ever, unmoving and not responding. I washed his face every day with a wet tissue, and twice a week a nurse helped me to wash his hair and the rest of his body in bed, as getting him out of it proved itself to be a difficult and dangerous task.

"Of course," she answered. "I think it's more like sleeping. I also think he can hear everything we say. A lot of people who woke up say so, at least."

I nodded. I really hoped so. It was a straw to hold onto amidst the sea of growing concerns. It was hard for me not to notice the way his skin was so pale and how he was losing weight with every day, when my eyes fell on his body so often beneath the white and green gown he wore.

"I think so, too," I therefore answered, brushing a strand of hair out of his face, as I somehow always did whenever there was someone else in the room, as if it was some sort of excuse to touch his face.

His aunt turned around, walking towards the table. Her eyes caught on the little diary lying next to the flowers. "You are still writing the diary?"

I looked up. "Oh, yeah. I started leaving it at the hospital. I write it when I'm here and read it to Kihyun."

She smiled at me, the gratefulness evident in her glance, but I could see the same sadness playing around the corners of her mouth that I could see in everyone's faces whenever I mentioned the diary - or everything else I was doing. Last week I had hidden a whole stack of notes in my closet as Hyungwon had come over to watch a movie with me. If anyone knew I was copying all the notes from class for Kihyun, they would probably put me into a hospital myself.

It was an urge inside me that led me to do these things. I was doing it for Kihyun, after all, and for me, that justified everything. I just feared others wouldn't see it like that.

It was the same feeling that had lead me to develope unhealthy habits with food and sleep that I was still trying to overcome. I hadn't meant for it to be that way, I had really tried to follow Jooheon's advice and his constistent begging, feeling even worse to let someone suffer along with me, but it was hard to keep up that attitude sometimes.

Somehow, as I always did, I hoped he was able to hear me, but then, thinking about what he would think of what I was doing, I also hoped he didn't. At least not when I wasn't around him; when I was in the loneliness of our once shared dorm room, leaning over the desk and eyeing the meal in front of me, neatly placed in the little container his aunt had given me. I hoped he didn't hear how I said to no one in particular I would only eat that if he woke up, and continued to chew the food to get at least a part of it down my throat. I hoped he didn't hear how I said into the air I would only sleep if he woke up, and how I would only study if he woke up, and how I would only pay attention in class the next day if he woke up ...

They were promises made to no one in particular, but somehow I still hoped some part of him sensed I was only doing these things because of him. It was an unhealthy habit I had started working on diminishing a lot the past two months. But progress was slow.

"Changkyun?"

I looked up. Kihyun's aunt was looking at me with a questioning glance, and I tried not to show how much I had just spaced out yet again.

"I asked if you wanted some water."

"Ah, no, thank you," I answered, smiling. "I'm okay."

That evening, after she had driven me home and I had passed Hyungwon, Wonho and Minhyuk's room on my way to my own, hearing their loud screams at one apparently particularly bad jumpscare, I stood in front of the mirror, observing the scar on my stomach. My eyes focused on the skin tissue that wouldn't never quite heal to look like it had done before. It was a slightly raised line next to my hipbone, a bit smaller than my index finger.

Somehow it reminded me of the scars that decorated Kihyun's skin. I had never felt any negative emotion looking at his; had always seen them as a feature that just seemed to make him even more beautiful. They belonged to him. Now, seeing my own, I could understand it was easier for someone else to see the beauty of certain things than to see it for yourself. I wondered what he would say if he saw mine. It was a thing more we had in common now.

I let my tshirt fall down again, looking around my room. My bed was made, to be honest, it almost seemed like there was dust collecting on it by now. I hadn't slept in it in ages. Things changed very slowly and gradually, and the change needed a lot of time, but somehow, looking back at it, it always seemed to have passed very fast. At least by now I spent every night in Kihyun's bed. It felt more like home.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I sat down on the mattress. As an automatic movement, my finger opened the gallery and the album of photos of Kihyun and me. We hadn't exactly taken a lot of selfies, but I still liked looking at the few I had. I also took one every now and then when I was at the hospital.

Keeping up with my daily schedule of visiting him had been sort of a struggle lately, and sadly, it would only get worse. My graduation exams were coming up in a few weeks and I feared I wouldn't get the change to visit him at all some days, much less for a few hours. Last week a nurse had woken me up in the early morning hours after I had passed out while studying in his room. I had opened my eyes, not quite understanding how Kihyun could move so fast, as he had just sat next to me, a laugh on his face, until reality had hit me.

I looked at the clock in the upper right corner of the display. It was shortly after ten p.m. The others were still watching that stupid horror movie Minhyuk had been wanting to watch for a week now.

Part of me was ready to put my pajamas on, bury myself in Kihyun's sheets and try to forget the world. But ...

I had promised something.

And so I shook my head to no one in particular, put my shoes on once more and grabbed my keys before making my way to the room down the hallway.

_______________________________

"You should have heard how Jooheon screamed!"

"Minhyuk, don't -- don't ---" A scream tore the silence apart. "Well, too late."

"You really didn't have to imitate him," Hyungwon murmured next to me, rubbing his eyes with his fist. "I heard you from the hallway below. I don't get how Hyunwoo managed to sleep through all of it. I lied awake for what felt like hours. I think I didn't even get three hours of sleep. Three hours! Three hours, you--" He pointed at Wonho, Jooheon and Minhyuk, lips pressed together angrily before giving up.

"Oh, sleeping beauty didn't get her beauty sleep! That explains why you look like shit today."

"Hey!"

Minhyuk laughed, while Wonho crawled closer to Hyungwon, affectionately laying an arm around his shoulder and moving the two of them like he was cradling him. "Aw, my poor baby."

Hyungwon pouted, but immediately seemed consoled.

"I will really miss hanging out with you guys," Hyunwoo said, stretching on the lawn, laying back so he could look up at the sky.

"We won't go anywhere," Jooheon answered with furrowed eyebrows.

Hyunwoo turned his head around. "No, I mean with studying and all of that. And I don't look forward to going through the same stress next year."

"At least you have a year left to enjoy."

"Enjoy?" Minhyuk screeched. "School?"

"Yeah, and also, it will be pretty boring without you," Hyunwoo added.

"You're so cheesy I'll throw myself in front of a car at the next possible occasion," Hyungwon muttered into his sandwich.

Seoyeon shrugged. "Hey, at least you have Minhyuk."

Hyunwoo turned around once again. "Oh no, don't say something like this, or else he--"

With a loud cry of joy, Minhyuk threw himself forward and into Hyunwoo's arms.

"Yup," Hyungwon announced, "where's the next road?"

I had missed hanging out with all of them like this. It hadn't even been this long since we, or at least four of us, had entered the stressful period of exam preparations, but nonetheless, it had been different the last few months. I couldn't deny it had almost completely been my fault. After all, hiding in a darkened room wasn't the most well-known way to improve your social life.

But now, it was ... it was okay. In a way. Maybe because I had given up on labelling things and situations and plans and everything else. Maybe also because Wonho had literally dragged me out of my room one day to go to the ramen restaurant. I had ended up sobbing over my bowl of noodles, everyone looking at me helplessly as Seoyeon pressed a tissue against my nose. It hadn't exactly been my proudest moment.

Ever since then, all of them had been even more considerate of my feelings than before. It made me feel a kind of warm fuzziness in my chest. Somehow, although it wasn't something I had explicitly thought about lately, I would miss them a lot once we graduated. I mean, we would still meet each other, but it would be a different kind of hanging out.

I was just glad Minhyuk and Hyunwoo were going to stay here together. Maybe Hyunwoo would be able to prevent Minhyuk from getting a suspension for being too loud. Something that wasn't that unlikely to happen, if we were honest.

Things had changed between them. Maybe I was more conscious of that because I looked at every couple with a kind of envy in my eyes that made me ashamed of myself, ever since I had to survive my daily life without Kihyun by my side. I still remembered how reluctant Minhyuk had been in the beginning to let Hyunwoo get closer to him. It wasn't surprising, knowing his backstory.

Closing my eyes, I could almost see us walking next to each other on the pavement, and hear Minhyuk's words in my ears. Cute. He had meant Kihyun and me, and back then, I had been utterly embarrassed by it. Now I asked myself why.

I had been more relieved than I had thought I would be when he had finally opened up to Hyunwoo about his parents and the way they influenced his life. Over the course of the months, and with everything that had been going on, I had lost sight of how he was doing regarding his family, and so it had taken me some time to catch up on the whole issue, until we had literally stumbled upon it in a very private moment I had never thought I would share with him.

It had been after my semi-breakdown in the ramen restaurant actually, when he had brought me back to my room, but had stayed, pulling out a big box of chocolates he had been hiding in his bag. And somehow we had cried together over everything that had happened and everything he had heard on the phone back then. It had been a conversation long coming, and it had felt good to finally talk about it openly.

With wet eyes and chocolate on our fingers I had asked him about Hyunwoo and his parents, trying to get onto more stable ground, but had actually achieved the opposite. He had laughed, and then he had cried, and then he had laughed again, putting another piece of chocolate into his mouth.

"I screamed at them," he had confessed. "Over the phone. I am always loud, but I don't think I've ever been that loud. With everything that happened to you and to Kihyun, I realized it wasn't the right thing to pretend Hyunwoo didn't mean more to me just for their sake. I'm not hurting anyone, and if they feel like I'm hurting them, it's their problem. I told them I wouldn't come home until they either decided to accept me how I am, or at least try to, or to never see me again."

I had stared at him with big eyes, surprised by so much courage, but he had just smiled, a few tears escaping his eyes.

"My mom said she'd try," he had sobbed. "She said she'd at least try. I don't know about my dad, but I am able to wait, you know? It's not like I don't love them anymore. Maybe they just need a bit of time to accept I can't fulfill all their expectations."

I had been happy for him, and I still was. He and Hyunwoo were truly happy. They were both sweethearts and I couldn't deny I would miss seeing them almost every day. It would all change - they would stay while Jooheon, Hyungwon, Wonho and me would move out. Seoyeon would surely go somewhere else to study, too. We would meet new people and make new friends, but I strongly believed everything we had experienced here would hold us together.

"I, at least, am more than relieved I'm never going to have Mr Choi in math class again," Jooheon smiled. "Those will be good times."

"I still remember you complaining about Mr Jung," I interrupted him teasingly. "I just hope you won't get someone even worse in college."

"Don't you even dare voice that!" Jooheon shook his head determinedly. "It can't be worse than this."

"At least we won't have to deal with certain people anymore," Hyungwon added and everyone nodded. Without saying their names, we knew who he was talking about.

"I'm glad he got a nice punch in his face at least once in his lifetime," Wonho quietly said from behind me and Jooheon almost screamed.

"No! Don't say something like that!" he shouted. "I spend hours of my precious life to talk Changkyun out of going to his house and setting it on fire!"

I laughed, and everyone looked at me. Jooheon was right, he had indeed spent a lot of time on persuading me not to do anything else incredibly stupid. Even though I still refused to see my fight with Doyoung in the hallway back then as stupid. It had felt too good to get at least a bit of revenge. It had been long overdue. I wasn't a fan of paying back violence with violence, but he had deserved it and a lot more, even.

I had been lucky to get out of the whole confrontation with a metaphoric black eye and nothing more. With Doyoung's suspension, my friends' testimonies he had provoked me and also the fact that I had been in a very unstable mental condition and basically everyone had known what had happened to Kihyun, I had been able to leave the principal's office without my graduation being in danger. My anger however hadn't been over, and so it had been Wonho's and Hyungwon's task at first to hold me back from pushing Doyoung down the stairs before I had made up with Jooheon, and later his.

I hadn't really seen Doyoung a lot lately. It seemed that he skipped a lot of classes, and it was only to my advantage. Whenever I saw him, Jooheon had to physically hold me back.

I didn't know if I would ever be able to forgive him. Of course he hadn't shot Kihyun. He wasn't directly responsible for his sepsis, or his heartattacks, or his coma. Nonetheless, it was hard for me to ignore all the signs I had overlooked just because of him. If it hadn't been for him, maybe I would have noticed earlier there was a real danger out there that was more than just a mere teenage boy trying to conceal his lack of self-confidence.

But then, if I thought it was his fault, I could as well say it was my fault. Which was probably why I tried not to think too hard about whose fault it really was.

After all, the most guilt weighted on his father's shoulders - the man I wished I would never have to see again. I didn't even know how I would ever bear being in the same room as him again. Until now, that hadn't happened, even though his face looked at me out of every newspaper in every store I passed. But that was already enough, if I was honest with myself. I didn't know whether to thank the legal system or not for postponing his trial like this, month after month, because of issues with the proof or testimonies or anything else. I had had to hand in a written testimony for which I had needed more time writing than one human could possibly spend on writing one paper. Maybe they were still hoping for Kihyun to wake up in the next few months, so he could testify, too. I couldn't be angry at them. Not when I was just the same.

I laid back on the lawn, looking up at the sky and the white clouds that were moving agonizingly slowly against the clear blue.

"Hey, Changkyun," Wonho called out and I turned my head. He was leaning against Hyungwon, head rested on his shoulder. "Do you mind if I visit Kihyun today?"

Even though I had told all of them often enough they didn't need to ask me, they always did. Probably because we always visited him together when they tagged along. Jooheon used to do that often, especially when he sensed I needed someone by my side to accompany me on the way. I didn't mind; I was relieved, because really, there wasn't anything private that happened between Kihyun and me in this hospital room. I sat next to his bed and held his hand and looked at him, talked to him, and wrote a bit in the diary, studied and put music on and looked at him a bit more. Hours often passed like this before I noticed it had become dark outside. Someone else by my side was a welcome change in dynamics.

"When are you going?" Wonho asked and I thought about it for a second.

"Probably seven or something," I then answered. "We can meet in front of your room."

Not having time on most of the days to visit Kihyun during the actual visiting hours because of afternoon classes, Kihyun's nurse, that angel, had actually managed to get me an admission to get into Kihyun's room whenever I had time. It wasn't like they were doing many tests on him at the moment, anyway.

"Nice, I still have homework to do." He stretched himself, standing up, ignoring Hyungwon's little pout. "I think I should go upstairs and actually get a bit of work done before we leave. I don't wanna stand up yet another time before the dawn of the day just to finish my math paper."

"Mr Choi hates you anyway!" Jooheon shouted after him.

"Not more than he hates you!" Wonho screamed back, already walking away.

"I don't want to say it, but I have work too," Hyungwon sighed, and Minhyuk chimed in: "Just say if you two want to make out, and I'll go to Hyunwoo's room."

"You stay in your room!" Jooheon interrupted him. "I need silence and concentration. Out of my way, folks."

I stood up, smiling, wiping the dirt off my jeans. "Well, I'll get going, too, then. See you for dinner?"

"Sure."

I walked over the lawn towards the entrance to the dorms. We had been spending more and more time outside lately, just studying or chatting. And my friends weren't the only ones relieved to see me socializing at least a bit. Maybe it had needed an incident like this for me to notice how many people actually cared for me, and Mrs Kim was one of them.

"Changkyun, how are you doing?" Her face looked softer with her hair let down like she had started doing it recently as I walked up to the reception desk. She had been taking great care of me; always asking about me and especially about Kihyun. I believed she had also visited him in the hospital a few times. It warmed my heart. She was an angel and I didn't even have an idea how to say thank you.

I smiled. "I'm doing really well. How about you?"

"Oh," she laughed. "Everything's as it always is. I'm enjoying the rather relaxing time right now before the end of the school year arrives and I have to take care of buses, luggage ... and rooms." She laid down her pen on the paper she had just been scribbling letters on, and admitted: "I will miss you a lot, Changkyun."

"I hope for your sake none of the new students will be as exhausting as me," I laughed, propping my chin on my palm. "I don't know how many times exactly I didn't let you finish your sentences. It led to some ... incidents."

I bit on my lip. In front of my eyes, I could almost see Kihyun's surprised face, looking up at me as the lamp weighted heavy in my hands. It was a strange thought, how you never knew someone could mean so much to you someday. What would our first encounter have looked like if I had known he was my roommate back then? Looking back, I was grateful it had been like this and not like anything else. Kihyun's sign for my name would always remind me of that, if ... if he'd ever ...

"It was always a lot of fun with you," she shook her head. "I can't believe it's only been four years. I feel like I've known you for a lot longer."

"Probably because of how many of my troubles you witnessed," I attempted to make a joke, until I remembered something. "By any chance, has my ... has my mother called you lately?"

Mrs Kim raised her eyebrows. "Actually, now that you say it, she hasn't. Normally she'd call at least once a week, but the last month ... Did something happen?"

I smiled. "You could say that."

I didn't know what exactly had caused the change of heart, but it had to be something between the accident and the time being. I had known my mother loved me; but it had been a strange kind of love in my view. I had always felt like she was suffocating me, and even though I had thought I understood her intentions after knowing about the death of my father, I had never really done so - until something similar had happened to me.

She had visited me almost every day, when I had still been sleeping in Hyungwon and Wonho's room and even when I had already moved back into my own. She had brought me food and movies, books and old photos she had found in the bottom drawer of the dresser at the end of the hallway at home. She had tried her best to distract me from everything that had happened.

It had been strange for me at the very beginning. After all, for four years, we had only seen each other on special occasions and in the summer holidays, and even then, our conversations had consisted of empty words, pretending to be a family when there had been an ocean between us. Now, I noticed it had maybe just been us two, rather than a whole ocean, who had been holding the other away - my mother with fear, and me with misunderstandings.

I didn't want to say I had lost Kihyun. There was no loss as long as I pretended there wasn't, and continued to hope. But I couldn't pretend like nothing had happened at all. In fact, something very similar to what my mother had had to experience had happened, and suddenly I felt like my whole viewpoint had changed. I was anxious as soon as Wonho left the room in the mornings to go to school, scared of black shirts and the color red and the feeling of something liquid on my skin. It was dumb, and I knew it, but that didn't hinder me from feeling like that.

And whenever my mother visited, nervous and eyes blinking constantly as if trying to focus on just anything in the room, palms sweaty as she checked my wound and hands shaking as she gave me medicine, all I could think about was how it had to be for her. It wasn't just someone that had taken her love away from her, but a trick of fate. She had to be even more scared then I was, scared of everything and scared of living. And I don't know how many times I had looked at her before I had dared to ask the question.

"Are ... are you scared?"

I knew the answer, but I had never really asked her. Had always seen her obsessive behaviour as a form of oppressiveness, something that made me uncomfortable, but something I had never searched for a deeper reason for. All I had ever done was making accusations and resisting her caring for me.

She had looked up, and her bottom lip had started to tremble, and then she had said: "Yes."

And something that was all that it had needed for her to cry. I hadn't seen my mother cry that often in my life. It had felt strange, and I hadn't known what to do. There was no way to cross the distance between us in just the blink of an eye.

But something had changed. And it had continued to change. I didn't know why, but suddenly, it had all broken out of her, every word about my father she had always held back. She had told me how they had met in university, how they hadn't even been able to communicate at first, had exchanged smiles and glances and gestures. How my father hadn't been able to speak, and how she had learned to speak for him, just how I had done for Kihyun, and somehow it seemed like such a funny thing, us two, who were so far apart, sharing the same connection, but it was true.

She had told me about what he had looked like, and how he had signed, and how their first date had been. She had told me about his first encounter with my grandparents and how perfectly awkward it had been. She had told me about them moving in together and sleeping on the mattress for a few days before they bought a bed. She had told me about his job and how excited he had been upon knowing she was pregnant. And she had told me about the night she had gotten the phone call, and how the rain had been falling down outside and the phone out of her hand.

I had thought she would never tell me, so when she had done, I hadn't known how to feel. She had been crying and then she had said something that would tear down all the walls we had been building up between us for such a long time.

"I'm -- I'm so scared of loving you," she had sobbed into her hands, "I'm so scared I don't know what love is anymore."

And I had said the first thing that had come to my mind. "I'm scared ... I'm scared of loving, too, mom."

She had looked up, tears glistening in her eyes, but I had continued: "I'm s-so scared of loving him, because I don't know if it'll keep me stuck in this p-place forever ... I'm so scared of everything and especially of going there every day. I don't know if I c-can do this, mom ..." I had pressed my hands against my eyes. "B-but I would still love him a second time, you know? Maybe that's what scares me, I w-would do everything again just like I did last time and I ... I ..."

She had just stared at me.

"Would you decide not to love me if you could choose, mom?" I had asked, sobbing. "Would you?"

And she had shaken her head, and pulled me close, her chin resting on top of my head, and she had continued to shake her head even as she had whispered: "I'd do everything just like I did."

I took a deep breath, focusing on the stack of papers in front of Mrs Kim. It wasn't like all our problems had just magically vanished by this one conversation; life wasn't as easy as this. But ever since it had happened, I felt like I was able to understand my mother a lot better. Like at least a part of the wall between us had been torn down. It felt like going back in time, when I was still a child, like some of the horrible things we had said to one another hadn't happened at all.

"I think ... the accident changed us. And our relationship." I tried to find the right words. "I think I understand her better now. I always struggled with it, until Kihyun ... I understand what she is going through, still, after all this time. And I think it made her understand that ... being scared is not a reason not to love anymore."

I smiled, trying to make Mrs Kim understand how much that meant to me. I had thought my mom and me would never get any closer again, with our ideas of love being so different. Now, I understood they were pretty similar - we were both just scared. And while I had been afraid of her being even more scared for me after my injury, it had magically led to the opposite: us not drfting farther away from each other, but closer. I felt like my mom was starting to understand being scared was a form of love that would cause more destruction than good.

Mrs Kim's eyes looked suspiciously wet. "I'm ... really glad about that, Changkyun. Now I just hope Kihyun will ... come back."

"He will." There was more determination in my voice than there was inside my mind, but it was the truth. "He will, and then we will laugh about all of this some day."

Mrs Kim smiled softly, hope in her eyes. "I really hope you are right."

I nodded, already about to turn around and go back to my room to study, when she called out for me. "Oh, Changkyun, wait a second!"

I stopped and looked at her with a questioning glance, and she seemed to be surprised for a moment, before she laughed, her shoulders shaking with the force of it.

"I'm sorry, I'm not used to you stopping to actually listen to me," she explained with a bright grin, and I shook my head. "You are never going to let that live down, will you?"

"No," she answered. "It's our little inside joke." She held up a few sheets of paper she had just finished filling out. "Could you take these with you for the sign language lesson? Mrs Lee asked me to print them out."

"Sure." I wasn't sure if I was supposed to take a closer look at them, and so I just held them in my hand without paying closer attention to what was written on them as Mrs Kim handed them over. "Actually, I could just go look for her right now. At this time, she is sometimes in the classroom to prepare for class tomorrow."

"Oh, no, you really don't have to, it's not that urgent."

"No, don't worry, I wanted to ask her something anyways." I held up the papers as a form of saying goodbye to her and waved them a bit, and Mrs Kim shook her head as she smiled. "See you later!"

It wasn't like I had nothing else to do. In fact, there was a whole mountain of papers waiting to be memorized by me. But I could imagine doing better things than studying while it was such a nice weather outside, and I really had been waiting for an opportunity to ask Mrs Lee something.

The others had already disappeared, probably by taking the west staircase. It was now completely silent outside. Only the happy chirping of a few birds could be heard. I would have expected more students to hang out around the fountain at these hours, but apparently they were all either in the library in the case of the seniors, or having fun around the city.

The school building was just as abandoned. I was too late for afternoon classes - I glanced at my phone: by now it was already six in the evening. Bright sunlight was flowing through the hallways. Sign language class hadn't been all that positive for me the past few weeks, because it had always been the class I had been looking forward the most because of Kihyun. On the other hand, it had been the only occasion at which I was able to speak in sign language. You only noticed how much you loved doing something until the possibility of doing it it wasn't there anymore.

"Mrs Lee?" I asked as I opened the door to the classroom, and was greeted with the sight of her sitting at the desk, taking notes, until she looked up, a smile appearing on her face the second she recognized me.

"Changkyun, good afternoon," she answered, sitting up and laying down her pen. "What brings you here?"

"Oh, Mrs Kim said you needed these papers." I held them up to emphasize my statement. "Do you have time?"

"Sure." She gestured me to come inside. "I'm only looking over some preparations for class. You can give them to me."

I handed them over to her, following her movements with my eyes as she reached for a folder in her bag and put them inside. Looking up, she asked: "Is there anything else?"

I hadn't really had a certain opinion of Mrs Lee as a teacher before. She had been neither my favorite nor my most hated teacher, and I had never really thought about under which category she fell. However, ever since I had asked about what Kihyun's sign of my name had meant, she seemed a lot more sympathetic to me, and I had the genuine feeling she cared about me as a student. Every week in class, she would ask me about Kihyun, and she had also told me she'd like to visit him once the stressful exam period was over.

"Actually, there is." I was reluctant to say what I had to say, even though I didn't know why. I hadn't felt this way with Kihyun's aunt, but maybe talking about this to someone that was more of a stranger seemed like a bigger commitment to the idea. "I've thought about what I wanted to do after school. And ... I thought about becoming a sign language teacher just like you."

Her eyes widened slightly, surprise evident on her face. "Oh, really? That's nice to hear, Changkyun. I suppose you got the idea this year?"

"I did," I responded. "To be honest, I didn't know what I wanted to do for a long time. Maybe I also never truly thought about it. But with your classes this year and the studying I did by myself, I got the impression that sign language is something that can actually have an impact. And I can imagine myself teaching it. I think I would have fun doing so. And ..."

She looked at me expectantly, and I almost regretted starting that sentence in the first place. "I am a bit afraid of forgetting how to sign."

Her eyes visibly softened. "Oh, I don't think you have to be afraid of that. You learned a lot over the last year, and I believe that languages are just like cycling - they might get out of sight, but being practised, they always come to mind again. And that is also applicable to sign language."

"Thank you." I smiled. "So ... I wanted to ask you: How did you get to where you are today?"

Mrs Lee was lovely. She explained everything to me from beginning to end. She told me which majors she had taken in university, where she had studied, how she had changed courses and what had been her reasons for doing so. She talked about her career as a teacher and which obstacles she had had to overcome. She even took a piece of paper and wrote down a few websites and books to educate me on the topic.

"I'm really happy to hear you want to do something in that direction," she admitted as she laid down her pen, handing me the sheet full of information. "I should have seen it coming," she then smiled. "A lot of times, there is a personal reason behind decisions like those."

"What ... what reason was it for you?" I wasn't sure if I was allowed to ask that, but she didn't seem to mind.

"My dad," she answered. "He was born deaf. My mother had learned sign language long before I was born, and growing up, it was like a second native language for me. It made me sad so many people who were so close to him weren't willing to learn even the simplest of signs to communicate with him. So I decided to make at least a bit of a change."

"He must be very proud of you," I responded, and she nodded.

"He is," she smiled. "And I bet Kihyun is also very proud of you."

There was a second of silence, until she added: "I'm sorry. It has to be hard on you."

I shook my head. "No, you're right. I think he is proud of me. Or, I'd like to think so, at least." I held up the paper. "Thank you for your advice, Mrs Lee. I'll look it up."

"You're welcome."

I was almost out of the door again when she called: "Oh, and don't forget to study hard for you exam!"

We apparently had been talking for quite some time, because when I left the classroom, the sun outside was already hanging a lot lower on the horizon. I fanned air into my face with my hands, and stopped in the same moment, noticing what I had just done. I hadn't signed Kihyun's name in three months.

I turned left, towards the fountain where I had sat just about an hour or two ago. It was a place that held such dear memories for me.

After all, it had been here that I had first noticed I had fallen in love with Kihyun.

It seemed strange to me now that I had taken so long to notice it, and even longer to say it. Only through Kihyun I had learned that feelings were something so precious they shouldn't be hidden. If I could turn back time, I probably would do nothing different, except for telling him I loved him earlier. I could recall the bubbly feeling in my stomach as I had picked him up from this fountain the day I had found out what his signs had really meant, how nervous I had been of doing the wrong thing, and how relieved to notice it had been nothing but right.

I took a deep breath, staring at my hands in my lap. Kihyun had given me this small box of chocolate icecream that had somehow changed everything since then. Without him, I didn't feel like eating chocolate icecream. And right now, all I wished for was for him to sit next to me. It was funny how unimportant everything else you normally complained about could become once something so crucial was missing.

Mrs Lee had said Kihyun would be proud of me; would he? I didn't know. I had never talked to him about it. The idea had never really occured to me until now. But I missed talking to him, missed the own language of gestures and little smiles and facial expressions that had become our language. Maybe he wouldn't like me sharing it with someone else.

I missed him, in that moment, more than ever. I had this distinct feeling in my chest that longed for him, but it was stronger than it was usually, stronger than it had been the past weeks. Because no matter how much you tried to deny it, you could become numb to anything. Which didn't mean I wasn't hurting anymore. But the pain drifted into the background, behind your eyelids, and only at special occasions reappeared as strongly as in the beginning.

Now seemed to be one of them. It was bone-crushing, and it made me nervous, nervous because I didn't know what Kihyun thought about my idea. I talked to him about everything whenever I was with him, but I had never mentioned anything about my future. It felt like betraying him, even thinking about moving away or having less time to visit him. And somehow, right now, the urge to know what he thought was so strong I could barely suppress it.

I couldn't understand why I felt like this right now. I had thought I had become better, not having to run to the hospital three times a day to check if he was still breathing, but it was like something was pushing me from behind, an invisible force trying to tell me I needed, I needed, needed to see him.

I stood up, walking towards the east entrance. Normally I took the bus to the hospital, or Kihyun's aunt fetched me up, but I couldn't wait for that right now. Something was pressing against my ribcage like it was trying to get out, and so I started walking into the direction of the hospital, slowly at first, but then faster and faster.

I had always feared this kind of feeling. Had always feared a feeling like this would tell me something terrible was going to happen. Cars passed me as I ran on the pavement, past the convenience store and the bus stop.

My shirt was sticking to my chest, sweat running down my temple as I gasped for air. The sun was slowly setting by now, red and orange light illuminating the streets. The air was humid, almost as if drops of water were hanging in the air and were caught on my skin as I ran past the mall and the ramen restaurant and the book shop and the café.

The hospital wasn't as busy today as it had been yesterday when I had been here with Kihyun's aunt, but maybe that was because the visiting hours were already long over. The secretary at the reception desk nodded in my direction as I entered. By now, most of the nurses here already knew me. I smiled back.

My legs were feeling weak as I took the elevator and walked down the hallway to Kihyun's room. Surely the nurses would have been alarmed by the machines if something had happened, right? People would have noticed, right? Still, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I stood in front of his room, hand on the doorhandle, and tried to calm down. Everything was silent; I could still recall the high-pitched noises as he had had his second heartattack back then, in this room, me sitting in front of the unit, helplessly watching as doctors took him away. My heart was pounding so loud I could hear the blood rushing in my ears as I finally opened the door, the sunlight falling over my face and a weight falling off my chest I hadn't known had been there before as I saw Kihyun lying in his bed as he always did - unmoving, and silent, but living.

I took a step into the room, gently closing the door behind me, but stood by it another moment to let my glance wander over him; to calm down.

"Hey," I said, walking up to him and sitting down on the mattress next to his body. His chest was rising ever so slightly, up and down, and I reached up to fix the little silver heart of his necklace, even though it lay perfectly fine. I hoped he would feel it someday.

"Hey, Kihyunnie, it's me again." I took another breath, my heart still racing a bit. "Yeah, I'm pretty sweaty and ... ugh." I used my shirt to wipe my face. "I ran here. Stupid idea, I know. You'd probably like to scold me right now. Originally I wanted to --"

Oh, no. I sighed. "Shit, I forget Wonho wanted to come with me. I should probably call him. Maybe he will take the bus alone, or he'll come visit you tomorrow, but either way, I will get screamed at. Maybe I should text Hyungwon before calling Wonho, so he can calm him down."

Now that no one was in the room except him and me, I didn't have to pretend brushing out a strand of hair out of his face anymore. I cupped his cheek, my thumb softly touching his cheekbone. "You look healthier today. I really hope they give you some good food, or, uh, transfusions."

My eyes wandered over his face. "Actually, Wonho has to wait a bit. I came here running like this because I felt like I really needed to tell you something right now." I took his hand in mine. It fit, but I refused to get used to the feeling of his fingers without strength around mine. "I kind of held back the last few weeks to talk to you about it because I was afraid you would see it as me forgetting you or moving on without you or something ... but, you know, today I talked to Mrs Lee about it and she said you'd be proud of me, and suddenly it felt so silly to assume something like that without asking you.

I might ... actually study sign language?" I looked at his face, but of course there was no visible reaction. "I have ... been thinking about it the last few months and I think it might actually be the right thing for me. Sign language is something that you taught me to love, and it would be wrong to put that love to waste." I smiled. "I mean, I'm not sure if I will get a real reaction out of you until I have to decide but ... you wouldn't be mad, right? I think I know you well enough that I am able to say you wouldn't be."

I listened to the monotonic noises of the machine monitoring his heartbeat. "I do, I do actually think you would be proud of me. Sign language was always something between us two rather than with someone else except for classes once a week, but I think you would be supportive of me spreading that ... love. You ... you're always so full of love I fear it has rubbed off on me."

I smiled silently, looking at him, squeezing his hand in mine. "Okay. I just needed to say this. I do hope I am right. You would probably like to laugh at me right now for running here like a maniac only to say this. And you're right." I laughed, leaning down to press a kiss onto his cheek, his skin warm beneath my lips, before I laid his hand down on the blanket and reached for my phone in my pocket. "Okay, but I really got to call Wonho now, or else I won't be able to live in peace. How about I read you something out of the book from two days ago today? I think we stopped at a cliffhanger, right? Okay."

I turned around, walking up to the window so I could look out of it. The sun had halfway disappeared behind the horizon, and deep orange light was flooding the room. I would definitely have to take the bus to the hospital in the future if I didn't want to melt in the heat. But that strange pushing feeling would hopefully not happen again any time soon ... I still didn't quite get it, but my relief about Kihyun being okay was far more powerful than my concerns about my own feelings.

I unlocked my phone, looking for Wonho's contact and pressed the call button. Holding up the phone against my ear, I let my glance wander over the scenery outside. It was a beautiful day. On any other day, Kihyun and I would have probably went to catch icecream. We would have spent the whole way there discussing which flavour we would get or if we should try a different one for once, but in end, of course we would have taken chocolate. The quiet noise of the phone trying to connect was ringing in my ears. The icecream would have probably melted on our way home ...

"Cha ..."

And Kihyun would have said my name, like he had done back then. He would have held my hand and looked at me with a smile, and most likely I would have tripped over my own feet just from that small expression. And--

"Kyu ..."

And-- my ears were ringing from the noise of the phone, as it suddenly stopped and I could hear Wonho picking up, and --

"Chan-- kyu-- Cha --- Kyun --"

My phone fell out of my hand.

It hit the floor, and the screen shattered into a million different pieces of glass. They scattered over the floor, against my feet and the bedposts. The sound of something breaking, and something else being put together again.

I didn't dare to turn around, tears welling up in my eyes from the sole sound of the voice that couldn't be a pure result of my imagination. My hands started shaking as my legs moved to turn my body around on their own.

The orange light was flowing over the floor, the blanket and Kihyun's hands, his arms and shoulders and reflected in the silver of his necklace. It moved up towards his face, captured his skin and hair and his lips that were slightly open, trying to voice vocals and consonants, and his eyes, his lashes fluttering with the weight of keeping them open, glance all around the room until it focused on me.

"Cha ... Chang ...," he tried to whisper my name, his voice so foreign yet so known to my ears that it was all I needed to break out into tears completely.

My whole body fell forward, towards him, reaching for his fingers that were weakly moving, holding them tight in mine as my eyes flew over his face, focused on his eyes and on his lips and then on his eyes again, and held his glance, held it as I sobbed: "D-don't speak, sssh-ss-shhh, please, I'm h-here, I'm here, K-Kihyun, it's okay ..."

My body was shaking with the force of my sobs, and I could feel something on my shoulder; until I noticed it was his hand, him trying to comfort me, lips shivering as tears rolled down his cheeks and neck. His fingers were so weak but still trying to hold mine, and I could see him attempting to blink the tears away. He was looking at me so intensely I feared I would just pass out from all the emotions that were washing over me.

"I m-missed, I m-missed y-you so m-much," I cried, trying to wipe the tears away with shaking fingers. "I love you, I l-love you, I l-love y-you so m-much --"

I couldn't think, could hardly breathe, but the only thing I could hear was his breathing and the noises of the monitor next to him and the bedsheets rustling as I moved closed to hold onto him, and so I screamed with a trembling voice: "Help! We need a doctor! We n-need a -- we need a doctor! P-please! Please, we ..." I laughed under my tears, not being able to hold back letting it all out. Kihyun was following my every movement with his eyes. "Please."

His movements were slow, and so, so weak, but he managed to bring his hand up to my face, trying to touch me, and I held my hand against his, keeping it there, keeping him there.

"You're okay," I whispered, and I almost couldn't believe it. "You're okay."

My eyes focused on his as he cried. He was looking up at me, and it didn't matter anymore, none of it.

He looked at me, and I could see the love in his eyes and suddenly, I knew we would be okay.


	21. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies.
> 
> I feel very melancholic about this epilogue. This is one of the longest stories I've ever written, if not the longest out of them all, and it was my debut on English fanfiction. My characters as well as my plot have grown a lot on me, and it is strange in a way to let them go.  
> This is definitely the longest chapter of this story, because I wanted to give all of them a well-deserved end after all I had them go through. I hope you like this epilogue as an end of a story who was a part of my life for a long time, and maybe also one of yours for the time you read it.  
> I want to say thank you for reading, and the rest of my emotional monologue will follow at the end.
> 
> Have fun reading! <3

"One, two ..."

My arms around his body were tight. I held onto him, palms against the soft fabric of the hospital gown. I feared it would hurt him, my fingertips being able to distinguish his hipbones under the cloth, but I didn't want him to fall down either.

"Three!"

He tensed, trying to make it easier for me to lift him up. With one swift movement, I raised his upper body from the bed and helped him sit down in the wheelchair, quickly leaning forward to reach for his legs that were threatening to fall off the bed as he wasn't able to react fast enough. I could see him smiling tiredly beside me as I put his feet onto the little platform in front of the wheelchair, and he reached out for my hand, making me look back at him.

"I know, I know," I chuckled before he was able to sign. "I know you can do it alone, but I ... just let me do it for you."

His smile grew, eyes shining with gratefulness, and he squeezed my hand affectionately.

The hospital was busy today. It was early afternoon, three or four p.m, in the middle of visiting hours. Kihyun had been transferred from the intensive care unit to one of the more normal parts of the hospital, so the visiting hours were longer and our possibilities of movement not that much restricted. Nurses were running around, holding medical records or pushing beds and small carts through the hallways. I could hear the echoes of voices, families happily chatting and doctors talking to patients. Sunlight from outside was flooding the floor, and I could feel Kihyun relaxing as I closed the door to his room behind us. Being practically locked in there most of the time, we both liked getting out.

The way down with the elevator was quick, and once we had crossed the entrance hall and I pushed his wheelchair out into the open, the sunlight was shining down on us, blue skies above us and green grass next to us.

The front of the hospital was equipped with a small garden with benches and a little playground for visitors and patients, and we had our usual spot in mind. It was a bench right next to a little bush of roses, not too far from the bus station connected to the hospital. I helped him place the wheelchair next to the bench before walking around it.

"Ready?" I asked, reaching out with my arms, and he nodded, holding onto my shoulders as I picked him up, my arms around his waist, and took a step to the right before helping him sit down on the bench. Once I had let myself sink down beside him, his hand reached for mine, head on my shoulder. I smiled.

"I love you, Ki."

He didn't have to say it back. I'd never forget the expression in his eyes when he had first seen me after waking up. I told him so often I loved him, more often than ever before, whenever I could, when I arrived and when I left and a hundred times in between. Sometimes he smiled, or looked at me as if to make sure I wouldn't disappear right in front of him, and other times, like now, he just held my hand, and his fingers tightened around mine, as if to respond.

He had tried saying it, and signing it, but had soon given up as every one of his attempts was met with me playfully scolding him he should be saving his energy for more important things. And I knew he disagreed, but, as if to please me, he didn't try anymore. I saw it in the way he looked at me; he didn't need to say it.

"How was lunch?" I asked, running my fingers through his hair. It was so long that his bangs were falling over his eyes if he didn't push them back. I liked it on him, though I knew he would prefer a haircut. "Good?"

He shook his head and I laughed. His body felt so warm next to me, in a way so reassuring like nothing else. I could feel his fingers playing with the hem of my shirt as he leaned onto me, raising his head to look at the sky. His lashes were glistening in the sunlight shining on his face. He turned around a bit, looking at me with a begging glance that made another laugh escape my throat.

"I wish I'd be able to bring you ramen," I responded. "Wonho actually wanted to smuggle some in here two days ago, but they caught him. Bet he'll try again though."

Although Kihyun was out of the intensive care, he was still on a strict diet. He was only allowed the hospital food, combined with a whole lot of transfusions for vitamin purposes. Wonho had gotten scolded quite a bit when trying to bring him ramen. I couldn't judge him; whenever Kihyun looked at me with those pleading eyes, I had the strong desire to just run and get him everything he wanted. But we both knew it was long way until that would be possible.

I closed my eyes, leaning against him, enjoying the smell of his shampoo and the feeling of his body against mine. I had learnt to be grateful for the little things, just being able to sit with him here, to hold his hand and look at him, knowing he could understand me and knew who I was and what I was talking about.

Things had been hard, and they still were. It felt like an eternity had passed since he had opened his eyes again, but it had just been a bit more than a month. The first days, he had fallen from consciousness into unconsciousness again and again, too exhausted to even open his eyes for more than a few seconds whenever he was awake. I had spent every possible minute next to him, sleeping beside his bed or telling him stories I didn't even know he would hear.

I think I hadn't even been able to fully comprehend what had happened back then. I had been in a state of mind that had had me believing it all must've been a dream, or pure imagination, and so it was a new wave of emotions crashing over me every time he moved just the slightest bit, even when he wasn't awake.

At first, he had been too weak to even look at me for more than a few seconds, eyes closing on his own without him having control about it. I had just hoped he would be able to feel me being with him, and so I had held his hand through those days, the days with doctors and nurses coming in every half hour to check his condition, and me sleeping with my head propped on the mattress, waking up every time the machines monitoring his heart beat made the slightest unusual noise.

It had gotten better after a week, and a few days later, they had put him into another hospital room, with a lot less machines and big windows and less smell of desinfectant. He had started eating again after two weeks of transfusions and several days of actively learning how to swallow again. It had been a process, from throwing up to managing a few bites. The pain killers weren't the best basis for a healthy stomach, so it was a task to find meals he could eat without getting sick. So far, it had mostly been vegetable soups and mashed potatoes.

I tried to look strong, but it was heartbreaking to see how much Kihyun was struggling even with the simplest of tasks. He knew, but I rarely let it show. I was glad to see every bit of progress, from swallowing to sitting up, from moving his arms to holding a spoon, from brushing his teeth to putting on a tshirt by himself - though that still needed some of my help. He had to learn most things from scratch again, and it hurt me deeper than I could've ever imagined to see tears running down his cheeks just because he didn't manage to get his legs out of his bed.

He wasn't allowed to leave the bed for three weeks. The physiotherapist came every day to practice with him, to move his legs and arms, to stand up and sit down again. By now, standing was okay if it wasn't for too long, but walking still wasn't possible. I hadn't known just how much he tried until I had found him on the floor upon one of my visits, trying to get to the bathroom. We had sat on the floor for at least half an hour, him sobbing against my chest as I tried not to cry.

But he was improving. It was slow, and seemed to be even slower, but I could see it with every day that passed. I was so glad to have him back that I didn't care he had to hold onto me when standing up or I had to help him when dressing. Kihyun was back, and I could feel it in the way he held my hand, could see it in the way he smiled and read it in the way he made jokes to cheer me up. It was okay. We were okay.

Today he was wearing his hospital gown he had grown to dislike more than he'd ever tell his nurse, but that was solely because he'd come out of one of many check-ups. He had lost a lot of weight in the few months since New Years Eve, and sometimes it scared me how I could see his bones beneath his skin whenever he took off his clothes or I helped him take a bath, but then, I could also see how he was starting to put on weight again, and it reassured me.

There were a lot of things he needed to learn from new, most of them having to do with his physical movement. It wasn't as if he'd forgotten how to do them, but his body wasn't used to doing them any more. He knew how to walk, but his body often didn't work like he wanted it to, after not moving for months had resulted in his muscles forgetting how to do their work or just disappearing completely. Other things were easier to recall; his first main task after waking up had been to learn, or remember, writing again. Though in his first week of full consciousness he had had problems with his short term memory and distinguishing dreams from reality, it had only taken him a few hours to remember writing, as his hands were the body part that was the most responding to his attempts, and the corresponding area of his brain didn't seem to cause him problems either. I had been so proud I had broken out in tears when reading _Hey_.

Most of our conversations, or rather his parts of the conversations, therefore consisted of written words. He wasn't allowed to use any electric devides for another two weeks, so he mostly wrote them down on paper. His knowledge of sign language wasn't affected at all; he knew how to speak it fluently, but a lot of fast arm movements were still a bit tiring to him, so we renounced on that for now.

I turned my head, looking at him as he nuzzled his face into my shoulder. There was barely a moment of us being together without touching in any way, like we were both starved for physical contact, and I needed it, needed the reassurance he was there. Kihyun was there, and Kihyun was a wonder. He was my wonder.

I could still recall the doctor's words as clearly as anything, how he had told me he wasn't sure Kihyun would ever be able to move, think, remember or speak again. I had heard them too often in my nightmares to forget them. Honestly, I didn't know what I had expected when Kihyun had woken up. If I had been prepared for the possibility of him not even fully recognizing me. I tried not to think too much about it. The moment I had seen the love in Kihyun's eyes, realized it had been my name on his lips, I had known it was him, the boy I had fallen in love with, and so it had been okay. In that moment, I hadn't cared whether or not he'd be able to live like he had lived before.

I still didn't know if he would be able to. But the doctors had been fascinated by how fast he had been recovering until now, and judging by his brain scans, there was nothing that was holding him back from getting back to where he had been; with a lot of practice and patience. It were just his muscles and nerves that were causing a bit of an obstacle, but I could see the determination in his eyes every time I walked into the room and he was doing exercises.

And then, and maybe that was somehow ironic, I had to admit, there was also one thing that had somehow improved compared to how it had been before all that had happened. Not only did Kihyun have to take physiotherapy, he also went to speech therapy. I got goosebumps every time I recalled my name on his tongue, although he hadn't said anything else so far. His lessons with the speech therapist were scheduled whenever I had classes, but I thought he probably wouldn't be comfortable with me being there anyways. He hadn't talked for years, after all. It wasn't just the accident. He had to learn vowels and consonants and how to move his mouth to pronounce them clearly.

He told me he should've probably done it a long time ago, seeing that all that had happened with his father had led him to where he was now. He said he did it for me, to communicate better with me, but whenever those words passed his lips, I just shook my head. He should be doing this for himself. He deserved a normal life.

I didn't know how he did it, all of it. It had to be so incredibly frustrating for him, but he did the best he could. There were times he just broke out into tears randomly, but I had learnt how to deal with it. We were still learning a lot about each other, especially in such a situation. I had never thought our relationship would be put to test in a way as extreme as this, but it proved to me that there was no one in this world I'd be able to love more than Kihyun, and so it was okay.

One time, right after he had been allowed to stand up to go to the bathroom, he had been sitting in the bathtub, me kneeling next to it. It had taken a bit of persuading from my side; he was embarrassed about needing my help, saying me seeing him naked shouldn't have to be in such a situation. He had still been too weak to even move his arms, although the physiotherapist had done a lot of exercises for rebuilding muscles with him, and so it had been me that had opened the shampoo bottle, putting a bit of it onto my palms and massaging it into his scalp. He had shaken his head, trying to reach up, but his hands had fallen down time after time, him unable to control them properly, the way he wanted them to work. He'd managed to grab my hands, had held them tightly in his, refusing to let me continue, and hadn't been able to answer when I had asked him what I could do. Only after several minutes he had let me wash his hair, but we had managed to make him hold the showerhead, so he could at least do a bit on his own.

It was scary to see someone I loved so vulnerable, and I knew Kihyun didn't like it either. It wasn't because he was ashamed to be vulnerable, it was just depressing having to deal with things so differently, and I believed it bothered him to depend on me so much, no matter how often I told him it was fine.

He had sat in the bathrub, the water slowly getting colder, and had touched his scars with his fingers, trying to understand which ones had been caused by which operation. At the start, he hadn't cared about his own wounds at all, trying to understand what had happened to me when he still hadn't been able to write things down, blindly reaching for my shirt and tugging on it, eyes focusing on the spot he remembered the knife going into my skin, and only after having told him a hundred times I was okay, the stitches were removed, the scar was small, see, it was just a narrow line, he had believed me I was fine. And the next thing that had been spilling over his lips in the sense of him moving his hands against each other, slow and concentrated, had been a wave of _I'm sorry_ 's as if it had been his fault. It wasn't.

The scars on Kihyun's body were a lot more red and higher in number, dragging over his chest where they had removed the bullet and operated him a second time. He didn't hate them, he said, _because him getting shot after he had screamed my name had saved me instead_.

He had to rely a lot on me these days, not only when going to the bathroom, and only gradually it bothered him less. I made sure to let him know I liked doing these things for him whenever he needed me, and it was the truth. I would've done everything for him if it meant he was feeling better.

To see him breathing, blinking, smiling was all I had ever wished for in the past months, and even though we still had to overcome a lot of problems, most of them often unexpected, I was happy. I could truthfully say I was happy. I knew it wasn't easy on him, but I could see the times he was just glad to do as much as he could. It was a lot of work, and would still be, but that was okay.

I went to the hospital as often as I had before. Sometimes before school, always afterwards. A lot of times, Wonho or Hyungwon, Jooheon or Seoyeon, Minhyuk or Hyunwoo came with me, except for the days he had a lot of check-ups and appointments. Whenever I wasn't there, his nurse helped him with all the basic things. As soon as he had recovered a bit, he had started reading books again. Apparently it helped him a lot with his speech, and with his boredom.

The first night he had been awake, or, well, awake for a few minutes inbetween sleep and unconsciousness, I had spent the night in his room, and hadn't cared for any of the rules, falling into the bed next to him as soon as the doctors were gone. My arms had wrapped around his waist, holding onto him beneath the blanket.

I had tried to stay awake, telling him how much I loved him over and over, the words tumbling from my lips like prayers, but I had been too tired, too exhausted with fear to stay awake. It had been the first night I had slept without having a nightmare for months, and when I had woken up to the light falling in from the window, Kihyun's lashes had moved against my cheek, and I had cried for half an hour.

"We're going to the ramen store today," I explained, taking off my jacket. Yesterday it had rained quite a lot, so the wind was sharper than before. "Wonho said he's craving some, and he asked me to smuggle you out of the hospital, but ..." I put on a sad face. "I said no."

Kihyun turned his head and pouted, blinking against the sun, but his expression turned even softer as I placed my jacket over his legs. I was always afraid he'd catch a cold. His body would be able to manage it, most likely, but I still wanted to be extra careful.

He leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on the corner of my mouth before wrapping his arms around me. I couldn't wait for him to come home, so I could take more care of him and spend the nights next to him, just to be sure he was really there and it hadn't all just been a dream. I was missing him every second I was away at school, but at the same time I knew it was better for him to be watched constantly by nurses and doctors for some time more.

Maybe he'd be able to come home in about two or three months, we had been told. It was easier for him to be in the hospital also because of his therapy sessions. They would lessen over time, at least the physiotherapy, but he would probably have to focus on his speech for a long time, and that was easier in the beginning with him being here.

Another reason was his psychotherapy. The doctors had advised him to do it from the start, and I had only understood the full weight of that statement once I had seen how Kihyun reacted to certain things. Once, while eating breakfast, I had handed him the knife that was on the tray, and he had had something close to a panic attack, barely being able to breathe, trying to get out of the bed, which had been completely impossible. He couldn't bear too loud, sudden noises anymore, either. For me, it wasn't as bad, but the nightmares were a sign I was probably just ignoring my problems.

Kihyun said he felt it was helping him, not only with what had happened back then, but also with what had happened with his father. It was good to talk about it. Between us two, it had taken us more than a few days of being around each other for it to break out of us, talking about all that had happened that night. Ever since then, I wasn't too reluctant to consider therapy anymore, either. I had always seen it as something bad, but seeing how much it seemed to help Kihyun, I was starting to believe it would be worth a shot. My nightmares weren't as bad if Kihyun was with me, but that didn't mean they weren't there at all. My first appointment was scheduled next month.

He pinched my side, pointing at my bag, and I reached inside to hand him the little notepad and pencil I had grown used to carrying with me. He balanced it on his thighs as he wrote, and then showed it to me. **_Tell them my greetings. And have a nice time._** He had added a cute little smiley at the end.

He knew how much the others cared about him, not only from how they showed him whenever they visited him, but also from my diary entries. At first, I had read them to him, and as soon as he had been able to read by himself, he had started keeping the diary at his bedside table, looking through it whenever he felt like it. He was so grateful, he told me every time I caught him reading it. I felt bad for him having to read all the thoughts that had gone through my head, because some of the entries were more negative than positive, but I think it was important to him to get to know how things had happened in the months he had been asleep.

"Oh, I think we'll all just be glad to get out and do something other than studying," I laughed. I knew the others were spending most of their time leaning over books, while I did the majority of my studying while being with Kihyun. It was a nice way for him to catch up with the subjects. He had missed a lot of things, but it was so reassuring to see his brain was doing okay by how fast he picked stuff up. I wouldn't have guessed he'd been without oxygen for two minutes, if I hadn't known it. It was like a wonder, and I thanked the universe every day to be so blessed.

**_Do you think I'll be able to catch up until the end of the holidays?_ **

I had spent a lot of time talking with his doctors and then with his teachers and the principal, trying to figure out a way to make it work. It was the middle of June, and I would take my exams in approximately a month; at first, Kihyun had been so keen on keeping up with that date. I hadn't known whether to be upset or worried about his goal, asking myself how he could possibly spent a thought on something as unimportant as school, until I had understood it was his way of dealing with things - the image of a normal life once he would be able to leave the hospital, the image of studying and graduating and going to university.

Nonetheless, graduating in July wouldn't be possible for him. He needed to focus on his recovery. But he also didn't want to repeat the whole year, because in general, he knew the stuff we needed for the exams. We had been able to arrange that he'd have a chance to take the exams in August or September if he felt fit for it, because university wasn't starting until the beginning of October, and with a special note of the principal and the hospital application should be still possible then.

"Of course," I reassured him, knowing how much it meant to him to continue living just like he had before. "You're the smartest person I know."

He smiled. **_And you are sure you don't need another check-up?_**

It had become a habit for him to joke about me needing to get checked whenever I complimented him, probably because I had been doing it so often lately. But I couldn't help it. If I had learnt one thing through all of this, it was that I shouldn't take everything for granted. Whenever I saw something beautiful in Kihyun, I told him. Or, well, not exactly whenever. Or else I wouldn't be able to stop talking.

"I'll always be this cheesy from now on," I laughed. "Hey, it's part of my personality! Only towards you, though."

His pen scribbled across the paper.

**_I love you so much._ **

I had told him to stop trying to say it when he was still too weak, but that never hindered him from writing it down as often as he could.

**_Thank you for being here. Just being with me. I don't know how I'd be able to survive this without you._ **

I pressed a kiss onto his forehead, trying not to tear up. "I know it's hard on you. But it won't be like this forever." I cupped his cheek with my hand, looking at him, eyes flickering over his face. "Look how much you've improved so far. And I'm sure you'll soon be able to walk, and run around, and ... come home." I chuckled. "We could probably sell one of the beds in our room, or put them in another room, because I don't plan on sleeping anywhere else than next to you anymore."

He smiled, a bit of sadness playing around his lips as he wrote. **_We'll have to move out of the dorm after the holidays. What do -_**

I could see his pen moving over the paper, setting down to write more, but said: "Kihyun, don't worry. We'll figure it out, yeah? The most important thing now is you getting better."

He nodded, the doubt still evident in his eyes. I knew he was worrying about a lot of things, and I could understand it. I did, too. But it was my task to worry now, not his. He was the most precious thing in my life, and I just wanted him to feel better.

"Do you want to lay down?" I asked, and he nodded eagerly. I helped him move, so he was laying on the bench, head in my lap and legs tangling a bit over the edge. He looked up at me as I ran my fingers through his hair, admiring the beauty I had been blessed with.

Patients were walking across the lawn, over towards the entrance of the hospital. A bus was stopping by the station and visitors were getting off. Over us, I could see a bird flying, aiming for something higher than my vision went. People were living their lives, and time was moving, and suddenly, as if it had happened from one moment to another, I could feel my time beginning to move again, too. I looked down at Kihyun and smiled.

He seemed to notice my expression even though he was blinking up against the sun, and beamed up at me. With glistening eyes, he raised his hand and laid it against his chin before moving it away again.

**_Thank you._ **

"Anything," I whispered, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. "I'd do anything for you. Anything, okay? And we'll do this together. We'll manage this together. You'll never, never have to do something on your own. I'll be here, baby." I held his hand tight in mine. "I'll be here."

I didn't know how much longer I would have been able to bear being without him. Looking back at it now, I hadn't really been living, just trying to survive. Maybe that was how you knew someone was so important to you - when living without them became an act of merely surviving.

"We should go inside," I whispered after a while. "Kihyun?"

It seemed he'd fallen asleep a bit in my lap, because he blinked, trying to recall where he was, and I smiled at his preciousness. He had the habit of falling asleep everywhere now that his body needed as much energy as it could get.

"We should go inside," I repeated upon his questioning glance, "You have physiotherapy soon."

He smiled, and I knew he wanted to say: _You know my appointments better than I do_. And maybe I did.

I helped him get up and into the wheelchair, pushing it along the small paved way towards the hospital. The garden was on top of a hill, just enough for the way to be the slightest bit steep. I leaned forward, whispering into Kihyun's ear: "On three?"

He nodded, and I smiled.

"One, two ... three!"

I quickly stepped onto the little platform at the back of his wheelchair, holding the handles tightly as we picked up a little bit of speed on our way down, making sure to lean back so we wouldn't fall over. It were just a few seconds with wind in our faces and hair, until we reached the end of the little hill and slowed down.

He turned around, smiling, and gave me a thumbs up, eyes shining.

I smiled back. "Okay, ready for physio?"

_______________________________________

The ramen shop had changed a lot in the course of the several months that had passed. The owner had bought the little shop next to his own as the previous store had moved out, so the place was generally a lot bigger now. The decoration had been changed too, to more of a red color spectrum, with dark mahagony wood chairs and stools and colorful paintings on the walls.

Our regular table was still in the very back of the shop, where we had a little more privacy. When I entered the restaurant, I could already hear the others talking, laughing about something. They looked up as I turned around the corner, waving at Seoyeon, who was busy handing drinks to other customers. She smiled back.

"Sorry for being late," I apologized as I sat down on the empty chair next to Hyungwon. I had left my jacket in the hospital with Kihyun, so I was glad the air conditioning wasn't too extreme. "I didn't look at my phone."

Minhyuk shook his head, gesturing to let it go. "We haven't even ordered yet, don't worry."

"How's Kihyun doing?" Wonho asked, propping his chin on the palms of his hands, leaning forward expectantly. He had dyed his hair a dark brown last week, and I could still see Hyungwon practically drooling whenever he looked at him. "How were the scans?"

It warmed my heart more than I would ever be able to express how they cared about Kihyun. They had asked about and visited him when he had still been in the coma, and I knew it had been hard on them too, but I had only really noticed how much of a strain it had put on all of our lives when he had woken up.

It had been during the phone call with Wonho, right when he had picked up, that the phone had fallen out of my hand at the sound of Kihyun's voice and shattered into a million different pieces on the floor. Later, he had told me he had only really heard the crash, loud and terrifying, and in a rush of fear he had grabbed Hyungwon and taken the bus to the hospital.

They had showed up twenty minutes after, fear in their eyes and a thin layer of sweat on their skin from running, and I could remember their anxiety intensifying as they had found me sobbing next to Kihyun's bed, doctors around me, holding onto him for all that was worth, until I had broken out: "He ... He said s-something! He said ... h-he said my name!"

My old phone was broken beyond repair, and so the next half hour had been spent calling everyone with Hyungwon's and Wonho's phones, from Kihyun's aunt to the others. She had broken out in tears, barely being able to speak as she had half laughed, half cried she'd drive to the hospital immediately, while Jooheon had just started screaming through half the dorm where the heck Minhyuk was hiding and not answering his phone.

It was a mixture of them being relieved about Kihyun, but also about me, and the fact both of us had the chance to have a normal life again. The week after Kihyun had transferred rooms, Jooheon had picked me up from my room in the morning to go to class, and had just randomly started crying, hugging me and whispering how glad he was to just see me eating and sleeping and laughing.

Minhyuk had brought Kihyun his old mp3-player so he would be able to listen to music, while Hyunwoo had bought him a book. Seoyeon gave him scarfs whenever she visited him even though it was the middle of summer, and Jooheon and Hyungwon helped me collect the notes for Kihyun's classes, while Wonho (unsuccessfully) tried to supply Kihyun with food.

They were going through this with us, and I had never been more grateful to have such good friends by my side. Kihyun tried to be stronger in front of them then he did when he was alone with me, but I still knew they were aware of how hard he had to work for every bit of progress.

"The brain scans were all good," I smiled, reaching for the container in the middle of the table and taking out a pair of chopsticks. "No abnormalities. I waited for him to start physio before I left."

"Do you think --"

Hyunwoo was interrupted by Seoyeon walking up to our table, happily leaning down to press a kiss onto Jooheon's lips before straightening her posture and sending a dark look to Wonho chuckling. "My favorite customers. Long time no see."

"We were here two days ago, sweetheart."

She smiled at Jooheon. "I know, sweetheart."

Hyungwon made a sound as if he was about to throw up, and Jooheon hit him playfully on the back, pretending to be offended. "I don't want to know what you two call each other in private," Jooheon pointed at Wonho, "Probably some disgusting shit like 'honey sweety cutiepie puppy darling'."

"That's the code word," Hyungwon hit him back, "In private."

"I don't call you honey sweety puppy ... ah, whatever, in private either!" Wonho defended himself and wanted to continue ranting, but Minhyuk laid his hand on Wonho's arm and reassured him: "Don't worry, we all know you two are whipped for each other and say different things in the bedroom, no need to evaluate."

Seoyeon laughed, nodding in the direction of the bar. "The same as always?"

We nodded, and she ruffled through Jooheon's hair and went back to work.

"Do you see Doyoung anywhere?" Wonho asked, looking around the restaurant with a sceptical expression as he leaned so far forward over the table he was almost lying on it. "Is the devil present?"

Hyungwon laughed, and Minhyuk asked: "Why? I thought he was on a break until the exams are over?"

Since Doyoung had started working here a few months ago, we hadn't actually met him that often, maybe once or twice. Seoyeon knew his schedule, and so she always told us when he wasn't at work so we wouldn't crash into each other.

"He was on a break until yesterday," Jooheon explained. "Today should be his first day back, Seoyeon told me, but she wasn't sure when he would turn up. Maybe he has a later shift, it wasn't written down, so we can only hope."

"Ugh," Minhyuk responded with a disgusted expression. "Let's just hope he doesn't turn up until we have finished our food, or I might actually throw up. Or worse, accidentally throw it in his face."

"At least we won't have to deal with him anymore," Hyungwon said, stretching his arms over his head as if that fact particularly satisfied him.

"But we will!" Minhyuk called out, burrying his face in his hands with a portion of extra drama as Hyunwoo detached his hand immediately to hold it. "I just hope he isn't in my math course, dear God."

"I still cannot believe he actually failed this year," Wonho shook his head. "It takes a lot in order not to be even allowed to take the final exams. His grades have to be horrible. And I heard he failed one class completely, like, he had zero percent."

"Which one?" Minhyuk's eyes sparked with interest. He and Hyunwoo had grown to hate Doyoung as much as Jooheon, Hyungwon, Wonho and me did, and I felt kind of bad for them to have to deal with him one more year.

"Sign language class," I answered and couldn't hide a small smile of victory on my lips.

Jooheon raised his eyebrows. "Serves him right."

"Serves whom right?" Seoyeon turned around the corner, balancing a variety of different drinks on her tray. Jooheon jumped up from his seat to help her, reaching for a few and handing them over to us.

"The shittiest douchebag in world's history," Minhyuk explained with an expressionless face. "That especially spineless species of a snake. Your fellow co-worker." He pouted. "I'd like to shout how much of an asshole he is, but I don't want you to get problems with your chef."

"Oh, I'd advise you not to do that in any case," Seoyeon laughed, pushing the last drink over to Hyunwoo over the table. "He's not even here anyways."

"Thank God," Wonho exclaimed, supported by Minhyuk's excessive nodding. "I swear, the day he doesn't work here anymore I'll climb on the table and start dancing."

A smirk played around the corners of her mouth as she took a step back and made an inviting gesture with her hand. "The show is all yours."

We all stopped what we were doing to look at her. All of us must have carried the same confused and surprised expression on our faces because she laughed loudly.

"He was fired this afternoon," she explained nonchalantly, and all of our jaws dropped.

"Fired?" Hyungwon called out with wide eyes, blinking for a few seconds before the realization made a grin appear on his face. "Wait, fired? Like, really fired?!"

Seoyeon nodded happily. "I feel bad for celebrating it, but he treated us other workers like shit, and knowing what he did to you ..." - she threw a quick glance in my direction, biting on her lip - "I am especially happy he's gone now."

Jooheon leaned forward. "What happened? Did he murder someone? Did he steal something? Did he ..." His expression turned hateful and anxious. "Did he do something to you? Seo, did he--?"

"Shhh," she smiled, patting Jooheon's hand. "He didn't do anything to us. He's just dumb. He stormed in here this morning, claiming he deserved a pay raise, because it was the restaurant's fault he had failed the school year because of his night shifts." She shook her head. "I still remember him being the one specifically asking for night shifts. Well, long story short, he made a big scene in front of customers and ... was thrown out."

Wonho raised his head to look at the ceiling. "There is a God up there."

Seoyeon laughed. "You don't have to worry about meeting him here anymore. Come by as often as you want - and give me tips." She winked and walked away before we could protest.

"That's the message of the day," Minhyuk said and took a sip of his drink. "Ramen whenever we want to. I cannot believe it. We won't have to care about him showing up here anymore. We have our place back, guys!"

The whole table broke into a bit of cheering. I smiled into my drink. In my head, I was already imagining going here with Kihyun once he was doing better - no matter how long that would take. Surely he would be as keen on meeting Doyoung as I was, what meant: not at all. It was only an advantage we wouldn't see him here anymore, and not even at school when taking the exams, not in July and neither in August during holidays. Only poor Minhyuk and Hyunwoo would have to endure his presence ...

That reminded me of something. I turned my head towards Hyunwoo. "Hey, Hyunwoo, you wanted to ask me something earlier?"

He looked up, thinking for a second before remembering. "Ah, sure," he then said. "I wanted to ask if you already know the court date. And if Kihyun ... well."

The court date. It wasn't something I liked thinking about. I was happy I had been able to mostly ignore the topic during the last months, as it had always been pushed back further and further in hopes of Kihyun being able to testify. Now that he had woken up, Kihyun's aunt had informed the court, and for Kihyun and me, that meant we had to deal with it sooner or later.

"He's in custody right now," I explained, turning the glass in my hands. "Two weeks ago approximately, they sent me a letter the date had been set on the 29th of August, but we are still waiting for a final confirmation. Kihyun's doctors said Kihyun might be able to be fit enough by then to show up, but we are not sure."

Everyone's attention at the table was now focused on me, I noticed. I cleared my throat. "Well, I'd like for it to be over quick and for his father to just go to jail once and for all. But then, I'd also like to hold Kihyun away from him for as long as possible."

"Hey," Jooheon said, laying his arm around my shoulders. "It'll be fine. He'll get at least fifteen years, if not more. After seeing what happened to Kihyun as a consequence of his actions, I am sure the judges will put a few more years on top of that."

I sighed. "I'd just wish for Kihyun to never have to see him again. But I know, I know he has to go there."

"He won't be alone," Hyungwon answered, trying to reassure me. "You'll be there with him, and his aunt, and we can go, too, if you want."

"But ..." I tried to find the right words. "He has to testify. Like, actually testify."

They were still looking at me with confusion on their faces.

I sighed again. "Speak. He has to speak. Or well, he ... wants to speak, I guess."

"That's ... that's great!" Minhyuk exclaimed, making everyone look at him. "I mean, he's taking speech therapy lessons, he is slowly learning to speak again, this is ... Don't you think this is really powerful, speaking in front of his father?"

We had spent a lot of time talking about what had happened, even more after Kihyun had woken up. In the end, it had been Kihyun who had told them about his specific reasons for not talking. It had been a step in the direction of letting the past go.

I didn't know how to feel, and so I just shrugged. "I'm ... I'm scared," I then admitted. "I never want him to feel any pain again, and I hate having no control about what's going to happen."

"Oh, Changkyunnie," Jooheon cooed, pulling me even closer. "You never have control about what's going to happen. But that's not a reason to be afraid. Kihyun is strong, or else he wouldn't be able to bear all of this. You're doing the best you can. You're just as amazing as him."

I nodded, keeping my eyes on the table, and heard footsteps approaching as Seoyeon walked up to us, bowls with steaming ramen in her hands.

"Here, here," Wonho quickly grabbed one of them, not waiting for her to hand them out, and pushed it over to me, directly in front of my face. "Ramen is the best medicine."

I sniffed and looked up, reaching for my chopsticks as the world blurred a bit, and Seoyeon asked: "Is he crying?"

The whole table broke into a round of 'aww's, and she raised the napkin draped over her arm, threatening to slap Jooheon. "Who hurt him? Who hurt my little baby? What did you say?"

I smiled into my sleeve as Jooheon answered: "The truth."

__________________________________________

The summer was exhausting. It was so hot outside I could barely sleep without waking up in a puddle of sweat. I changed my sheets at least three times a week. At night, I could hear the sounds of the cars driving on the street through the open window.

It was the week before the exams, and I spent most of my days burying my face in books. I wasn't particularly worried about the tests, after all, I wasn't worried about that many things anymore. Sometimes I got the expression Kihyun was a lot more nervous that me, not because he didn't trust me to be smart enough, but because the hours that passed with us both texting each other were alarming to him concerning my study ratio.

Ever since he had been allowed to use his phone again, I just couldn't help sending him songs, pictures of random stuff, funny things I hoped would make him laugh, and voice messages over fifteen minutes that ended up with him typing in capital letters what the hell I was doing not focusing on my work. It was adorable.

He had actually prohibited me to visit him for more than three hours each day. To make it fair, my proposition had been six, and he had negotiated with cutting down on cuddles for every hour on top of three hours. And restricting cuddles was a no-go.

When I was with him, he was mostly curled up by my side, sleeping or reading my notes over my shoulder, arms wrapped around my waist. He wasn't as tired as a few weeks ago anymore, and when he was feeling particularly energetic, he could even manage to walk the few steps to the bathroom with me holding his arm.

I felt bad for studying whenever I was with him; sometimes when he was sleeping, I laid my books on the bedside table and cuddled up next to him, but only until he woke up, noticed and hit me playfully, pointing at the books with what was meant to be an intimidating expression, but ended up being so cute it made me coo in awe.

We had fallen into a kind of routine that helped us both calm down. Kihyun's improvements weren't so exponential now anymore, instead slower but still noticable in my eyes. He had more energy, he could move better and he said his psychotherapy was making a good progress. The only thing he always emphasized he needed special patience with was his speech, but I was just so glad to see it making him happy.

It was Tuesday, and I was lying on my bed on my stomach, trying to concentrate on the chapter I should be rereading. But my glance was always shifting to the right, where my phone was lying on the mattress, far enough away to make me second guess if I should get up and get it. I had the urge to tell Kihyun about how difficult the paragraph was, or how someone had just honked on the street in front of the window through which warm wind was blowing inside the room, rustling through my hair.

Normally, this inner conflict would have carried on, but this time it was interrupted by the noise of my phone receiving a notification. I immediately jumped up from my lying position and reached out for it. A few weeks ago, I had always been close to passing out from anxiety whenever someone called or texted me. Nowadays, it had become better, and my stomach didn't turn a hundred and eighty degrees at the notification sound anymore. But there was still that uncomfortable feeling creeping up my spine that would maybe never quite go away.

I unlocked my phone with my fingerprint, smiling at the notification of a text from Kihyun. It was my favorite distraction from work, and reading the first few words I already felt bubbly with happiness; usually he wasn't the one who would text first because he felt bad for interrupting my studying, so that meant he was in a really good mood.

**_My home <3: < I cannot wait for you to come over >.<'' I have a little surprise for you but shhh, don't ask me what! I know you will, and I won't tell you anything~ >_ **

He was right. My fingers were already typing the words without me being able to control it, but I held back, deleting them again to instead type:

**_< You're making me crazy ... how could I concentrate like that? :( How about ... I come over right now? Would've anyway in an hour  <3 >_ **

Now that we were counting the last pre-exam days, classes for the seniors had already ended, and so I spent the mornings learning in my room, and the afternoons visiting Kihyun. I couldn't wait for them to pass, so I could be with Kihyun the whole day ...

He didn't take long to answer. I could almost see him sitting in his bed, legs crossed and leaning back on the yellow pillow his aunt had bought him. He hadn't changed much about the room, especially not the fairy lights. Seeing him realize how much I had tried to make it comfortable for him had brought a few tears into both our eyes.

**_My home <3: < The responsible part of me tells me to let you keep studying ... >_ **

**_< And the irresponsible part?  >_ **

**_My home <3: < No part of me is irresponsible, dear >_ **

**_< I'm rolling my eyes violently  >_ **

**_My home <3: < I'd love to see >_ **

**_< I can't study anyway, knowing you have a surprise for me ...  >_ **

**_My home <3: < So me trying to give you an excuse to come over worked ...? :) >_ **

**_< Damn you are smart  >_ **

**_< I knew that before though  >_ **

**_< And I don't need an excuse to come over, I would have anyway baby  >_ **

**_My home <3: < :') >_ **

**_< I'll take the 45' bus?  >_ **

**_My home <3: < Please >_ **

**_< Be there in 15, love you!!  >_ **

**_My home <3: < Love you too, be careful! <3 >_ **

With my science book and my phone in my bag, I locked my door and walked towards the bus station. The heat was almost unbearable, but I enjoyed the way the sun shone on my skin as I was waiting at the station until the bus came. During the ride, I closed my eyes and leaned against the seat, bag a comfortable weight in my lap.

The way up to Kihyun's room was like the way up to my own dorm room by now. I could've closed my eyes and would have probably still found it. When I turned around the corner that led into the hallway on which Kihyun's room was, I saw my former nurse - Mrs Hwang, as I had finally learned her name after months - standing in front of another patient's room, about to go further down the hallway, next to her one of those machines that were able to measure the blood pressure.

"Oh, Changkyun!" she greeted me as she turned around and her eyes met mine. Throughout the last weeks, we hadn't seen each other that often. She had been responsible for me when I had still been admitted here, and had done a lot of effort to keep me updated about Kihyun when he had been in the intensive care unit, but ever since Kihyun had changed rooms, I had only seen her once or twice in the entrance hall.

"Hello, Mrs Hwang," I smiled at her, stepping closer so we would be able to talk comfortably. She looked just the same as the first time I had met her, when she had scolded me, what I was thinking I was doing, just having woken up from surgery and already running around the hallways searching for Kihyun, not even knowing if he was still alive. Now, I could stand on my own feet again without falling over, without tears on my face.

"How have you been doing, dear?" she asked, a happy and curious shine in her eyes. "And how has Kihyun been doing?"

The last time we had met, Kihyun had just been beginning his recovery, right after the day he had opened his eyes again, and I could still remember her eyes being wet when I had hugged her with a silent, relieved sob. She was an angel, and I didn't know what I would have done without her, back then, when the world had still been grey without color.

"I've been doing great," I answered, and it was the truth. "Kihyun, too. Last week, he managed to wash his hair, all by himself! Almost." And maybe with a little bit of help holding the showerhead.

She looked at me with a bright smile, and I had to laugh.

"I guess you figure out what really counts in situations like these," I thought out loud. "And you begin to appreciate the little things."

"It's a beautiful thing," she responded, coming closer to pull me into a hug. "I'm so glad."

I hugged her back, feeling a reassuring emotion in my chest, one that a lot of people whom I was close to made me feel. It was a feeling of warmth, and things being okay, and us being fine.

"You're here to see him?" she asked and laughed as I nodded enthusiastically. "What a dumb question. Of course you are."

I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, I've been coming here every day to see him the past few months."

She smiled and made a motion with her head. "Then go. He's waiting for you. I don't want to keep you two apart."

I grinned, and walked further down the hallway while still waving at her, until I remembered something and called out: "Mrs Hwang?"

She turned around again, looking at me with a questioning expression.

"My finals are over in a week or so. As soon as I am done, do we want to catch a coffee or something? I still have to pay you back in some way!"

I knew she was about to answer back, but then, she just shook her head as if to say, 'I can't really say no, can I?', smiled and nodded, hushing me away with a hand gesture.

The bag swung from right to left next to my leg. I passed the staircase on my way to Kihyun's room, and knocked on the door. Even though Kihyun wouldn't answer, it was a habit.

This time, someone else actually answered. I had already opened the door a few centimeters as I heard a female voice say: "Yes?"

I leaned forward, so that only my head would be visible from inside the room, and both Kihyun and his aunt smiled at me. She was sitting next to his bed, phone in her lap. As I closed the door behind me, Kihyun happily waved at me. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed, wearing one of my blue shirts and sweatpants.

"Hello," I greeted them, pressing a kiss onto Kihyun's forehead and hugging his aunt before walking to the table and putting my bag onto the chair next to it.

"I'm happy to see you," his aunt said warmly, "especially after our Sunday dinner has to be cancelled this week. I wanted to wish you good luck for your exams."

Since Kihyun was awake, we had transferred our weekly meetings to his hospital room. And, as if not to make Kihyun jealous of any food, we even shared his vegetable soups. He still complained we should eat something different, but we refused to as long as he wouldn't be able to. Thankfully, since two weeks ago, he was also allowed rice and cooked vegetables.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that." I smiled apologetically. "But your nephew has officially forbidden me to set a foot into this hospital on the day before my exams."

Kihyun stuck out his tongue, and I laughed.

"Sadly, he's right," she answered with a grin. "Focus on school, as soon as you are done we have the whole summer to slurp soup."

Even though I would have liked to spend my Sunday with the two of them rather than in my room studying, I had to agree. Giving up, I turned around and opened my bag to catch my phone and my books. While I had my back turned to them, I could hear a few muttered words from his aunt that I couldn't quite decipher, and as I walked up to the bed, I could see Kihyun looking at his aunt and then at the door with raised eyebrows.

She lightly hit his knee and turned her head towards me. "Ah, Changkyun, the final date for the trial has been confirmed."

I could feel a bit of a nauseous feeling spreading in my chest as I reached for a chair and pulled it closer to sit down on it. "Did the date stay the same?"

She nodded, leaned forward and grabbed the envelope on the bedside table before giving it to me. I opened it, pulled the letter out, and quickly skimmed over the page. When I looked up, Kihyun reached for my hand and held it, a reasurring shimmer in his eyes. My heart softened.

"Don't worry too much about it," his aunt tried to calm me down. "It's at the end of August, still a bit of time to go. You focus on school," she looked at me and then turned to Kihyun, "and you on your health, okay? There's nothing to worry about."

I nodded, not entirely convinced. In a lot of nightmares, I could still see Kihyun's father's face, and it seemed to look at me out of every newspaper article. His company had had to declare bankruptcy, but that was obviously only half the reason they were even writing about him.

I had tried to understand him, often times, to just find any reason of why a father would have done something like that to his own son. But there was nothing like that. Kihyun explained it to himself with his father's mental instability ever since the death of his mother, and himself just being a part of her his father had wanted to see gone, too, but I wasn't so sure about that.

There were some people I would never be able to understand. His father. Doyoung. People who hurt the ones they knew and the ones they didn't know at all. Maybe I would never be able to find any reason. It scared me, but maybe, maybe it was better like this. Maybe not understanding someone like this was the better way to deal with it all.

So I nodded, squeezed Kihyun's hand in mine and smiled. It was going to be okay.

I was still caught in my thoughts as I saw Kihyun doing the same eye motion he had done before, this time not so secretly pointing at the door with his free hand, too. His aunt seemed to smile and sigh at the same time, and before I could ask what was going on, she had already stood up and kissed Kihyun's check affectionately.

"I'll get going then," she declared, looking at Kihyun with a knowing expression.

"Already?" I asked, my glance flickering from Kihyun to her and back again.

She nodded, smiling, and reached for her purse on the table. "I still have some work to do at the office. Study hard, Changkyun, but ... you're gonna ace it anyway."

I wanted to respond, but she just waved at us and left, the door closing behind her quicker than I had been able to comprehend.

"So ...," I began, "what was that?"

Kihyun shrugged, a barely concealed smile on his face, and motioned for me to get up before determinedly pulling me closer so that I fell down on the mattress next to him. His lips were on mine before I could even blink, and I smiled into the kiss, hands coming up to hold onto him.

 ** _I thought about the future_** , he signed as I was laying next to him, looking at him with warmth in my fingertips. It was so nice to see him sign again, something I had always taken for granted. Now, I melted into every movement his fingers made and every picture they drew into the air.

"The future?" I asked. "With me?"

I had been joking, but when Kihyun nodded, completely serious, my heart fluttered in my chest.

 ** _My future plans will always include you_** , he explained, hands sliding against each other and away from each other. **_I thought about university. And an apartment. And ... a lot of other things._**

"As long as you don't worry about it," I smiled, running my fingers through his hair.

 ** _I like imagining it_** , he signed. **_There's no one I'll ever love as much as you._**

I closed my eyes, overwhelmed with the feeling. "Oh God, I'll cry."

He reached out for me, worry on his face, but I shook my head, laughing. "No, no, I'm fine, I just ... I love you. And I guess I'll never get used to hearing you say it back."

 ** _You're so cute_** , he signed as he laughed silently. **_Then ... about university. I thought about what I would want to major in._**

I had told him a few weeks ago already that I planned on becoming a sign language teacher, and his tears of happiness had been worth every struggle I might have ever had learning it. I would have never imagined just making an effort to communicate with someone could change my life so much. Sign language was what had connected Kihyun and me and still did in a matter, so there was no way I would ever stop loving it.

 ** _Do you think I would be able to take psychology?_** Suddenly, he looked very serious.

"Hey, of course," I immediately tried to reassure him. "You're the smartest person I know. Why shouldn't you? If you like it?"

He shrugged. **_I've grown an interest in it ever since going to psychotherapy myself. I want to know more about it and ... maybe my experiences would help a bit. And I can study it at almost any university. So ... wherever you want to go?_**

He looked at me, a whole universe in his eyes, and I leaned my forehead against his. **_Of course, of course_** , I signed. I could feel myself smile. "I'll never go anywhere without you. And you can do anything you set your mind to, okay?" I cupped his cheek in my palm. "If that's what you want to do, then you should."

He smiled into our kiss and nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck.

We spent a bit of time just laying next to each other like that, enjoying each other's presence, until I stood up to get another book from my bag. I was just checking the notifications on my phone while standing next to the table when I remembered it.

"Oh, by the way," I began, searching through the contents of my bag. "What was that mysterious surprise you were talking about earlier?"

It were just a few seconds I wasn't looking at him, and I hadn't heard the slightest noise behind me, but the next thing I could feel were his arms wrapping around my waist as he hugged me from behind. I didn't knowing if he had been practicing again by himself, but it was the first time in my presence that he was walking completely on his own again. I could feel myself choking up as he laid his head on my shoulder.

"You're crazy," I was able to stutter, voice unstable, "You should be resting."

I turned around so he would be able to lean against me better as I held onto him, making sure his legs would be able to carry him. He smiled, content, looking at me. The moment I could feel his legs starting to tremble, I picked him up, ignoring his pout, and sat him back down on the bed.

"I love you," I smiled, not being able to hold back saying it a hundred times a day. He seemed nervous, all of a sudden, and as I wanted to go reach for my bag again, his fingers closed around my wrist.

I stopped in my movement, and instead faced him once more. He was biting on his lip, eyes blinking as he looked up at me, hands signing unsurely.

 ** _I don't know if it's a surprise for you_** , he signed, **_but I practiced it a lot and ... I wanted it to be perfect before I show you._**

I almost expected him to reach for something, or continue signing, but instead, he did something else. At first, I couldn't progress what was happening as he opened his mouth slowly, the sight so unusal for me.

Then, his voice made it all disappear.

"I ..." He struggled with the consonants, tongue licking nervously over his lips, voice barely a whisper. "I ... l ... lo- love ... lo ... love ... you. I ... love you."

I knew his voice, had heard it before, but not like this. Not with him in front of me, his syllables filling the room and my mind and feeling like nothing had ever felt before, his little lisp touching me in a way something physical would never be able to.

He looked up at me, lips trembling, the slightly drawn-out words still in the air between us. I could feel myself tearing up, and so I reached up to press my hand against my eyes, trying to swallow down whatever was caught in my throat.

"I ... love you, Cha ... Chang ... kyun."

He softly pulled my hand away and I had to laugh, an ugly, tear-filled laugh as I looked at him.

"Even your voice is so beautiful," I whispered. "How will I ever get used to you being so beautiful?"

He shook his head and pulled me closer, gently stroking my hair.

"Thank you."

He looked confused. **_For what?_**

I smiled. "For being alive."

_________________________________

"That's five thousand three hundred won then."

I reached into the pocket of my trousers, pulling out my wallet and the corresponding bills. The cashier took them and thanked me after counting, handing me the plastic bag while bowing slightly. Smiling, I repeated his words. My glance flickered to the right, where I could see a figure standing outside of the convenience store, and I said goodbye before walking towards the exit.

The heat was falling down from the sky, making me sweat like crazy in my suit. I had already thought about not wearing the jacket over the shirt, but my mom had paid so much money for the ensemble, I felt like it would have been a waste.

The air conditioning in the store had lessened the struggle, but as soon as the sliding doors opened and the humid air enveloped me once more, I could immediately feel the fabric starting to stick to my skin again. Running my fingers through my damp hair, I held tighter onto the plastic bag and took a few steps to the left, passing a bunch of bicycles that were parked next to the entrance.

Kihyun was waiting for me. He had taken off his jacket, and pushed his sleeves up to his elbows. When he saw me approaching, he smiled.

I took a second to just take it in. There were moments I still couldn't quite believe how lucky I was. Moments like this, with Kihyun leaning against the glass, eyes sparkling and looking at me with warmth. It was worth a lot more than I would maybe ever understand.

"Ah, can you hold that for a second?" I asked, but he had already been reaching out for the bag anyways, and held it as I struggled to get the jacket off my shoulders. Grinning, he helped me.

"Thank you." I took the bag into my hands again and reached inside, raising my eyebrows in a question. "So, what flavor did I get?"

His lips curled into a laugh, and he nodded, once, twice, and on the third one we both quietly said in unison: "Shocolate."

He slapped my arm playfully as I laughed, handing him one of the little boxes with chocolate icecream. When he has first been allowed normal food again, I had asked him what he desired most, so I could buy it for him. He had sat on his bed, signing icecream, and had then added: "Shocolate."

It had been so cute I had just cooed in awe for a few minutes while he had been embarrassed; although he could pronounce the ch in my name, it was still one of the hardest sounds for him, and so he more often than not said sh instead of ch. It had become a bit of an inside joke. I loved it.

We began walking down the sideway, eating the icecream with our jackets hanging over our arms. I was tired, having been up since five in the morning, getting ready and putting my suit on, but I couldn't help the smile almost splitting my face. I would never get used to Kihyun's voice, although he tried speaking a lot more by now. Sometimes it were little sentences he had been practicing, or just words, and often, he asked me to help him with his pronounciation.

It made him happy whenever he spoke, and so, it made me happy too. There were some conversations that consisted equally of words and signs by now, and it was weird in a good way. It was an improvements just like many other things, and never had I been prouder than this morning, as I had watched him voice his words.

 ** _Do you think they'll already be waiting for us?_** , I signed, turning to look at Kihyun.

He shrugged, trying to sign without letting go of his icecream. **_Did you tell them?_**

 ** _That you passed?_** I bit on my lip, getting ready for a scolding. "Well, you know they spammed the group chat the whole day yesterday, and then last night when you were in the bathroom Wonho just wouldn't stop calling me ..."

Kihyun's elbow softly came in contact with my ribs, and I pouted. "I was convinced you'd pass."

Last week, Kihyun had taken his graduation exams, still at bit over a month after me and everyone else, but in time to apply for university. Until this morning, we had still been waiting for a confirmation of him passing - although I had already been sure he had. And of course he had, better than me and everyone else I knew. While Jooheon, Wonho, Hyungwon and me were rather placed in the average grades, Kihyun had achieved top score.

Although he had had a very good feeling about his score, he hadn't wanted to tell the others for sure until having the final confirmation. But Wonho had been annoying me so much with it that I had just given in. And I hadn't been wrong, after all - when Kihyun had gone to the principal before breakfast, his certificate had already been waiting for him.

 ** _Sometimes I feel like you trust more in my abilities than I do_** , Kihyun signed, smiling.

"I just know I have the smartest boyfriend," I responded, grinning triumphantly.

He looked like he wanted to respond, but he tripped over his own feet in the moment he raised his hands; quickly, I reached out, holding him up before helping him to a bench that was thankfully close to us, next to the pavement.

"Be careful," I said, making sure he was okay before sitting down myself, and he shook his head.

"Just ... tired," he whispered, my heart fluttering at his voice.

It had been a long way to him being able to walk like this again, and there were still moments his legs just gave out beneath him. When we were at home, without any people being around us, he let me carry him with a loving roll of his eyes, but in public he preferred trying to walk the whole distance, at least until his body forced him to sit down to rest.

"It's okay," I whispered back, leaning against him. "It's all over now."

"I know."

Life is strange. It's as strange as the human body, a flower or the endless space of the universe. It's the strangest thing to ever happen, the longer you think about it; so many random things happen to form one big picture.

I had been knowing Kihyun for only one year, but he had managed to turn my whole life around in a matter of months. It was strange how sometimes a year seemed to pass without anything interesting happening, and then in another month your whole world would change. I hadn't expected things to turn out as horrible as they had done in spring, but I hadn't expected things to be as good as they were now in summer either.

It felt like things were coming together, and it was a new experience for me. Looking back, Kihyun recovering had been a long journey and it would still be in the future, but I could see it, and feel it in every second. Things that had seemed impossible only a month ago were now very much possible, whether it was him walking or talking or passing his exams. Things were ending and other things were just beginning and it felt ... good.

In the beginning of the schoolyear, I had been relieved finding my room empty. I had felt joy thinking about not having to share my space with someone I didn't even know.

Now, a year later, there had been no better thing than Kihyun coming back to me. The day his doctor had declared he would be able to leave the hospital, I had felt like the happiest person alive. It was weird how addicted you could become to a person. School had always taught me not to take drugs, yet here I was, next to Kihyun.

Hyungwon had made fun of me for obsessively cleaning the dorm room, but had soon given up and helped me after being hit with the vacuum cleaner by Jooheon. It had been a mess, because no one of us knew how to really clean, even after living for ourselves for almost four years, and so videochatting with my mom had been our final solution.

And so when Kihyun had entered the room, me nervously standing next to him, the room had been clean, but not too clean, because too clean would have looked suspicious, and I didn't want it to be suspicious, I wanted it to be perfect.

(Kihyun had still gotten behind it and teased me for a little while about it, but had said we would figure it all out when moving in together, and that was when all my rational senses had said goodbye and I had just kissed him until the bedsheets had fallen onto the floor and I had called out with horror: "No, not the new sheets!".)

Living in the dorm with him again was different but also nothing new. It felt like home, just like he did, and besides not having to drive to the hospital each day to see him anymore, it also came with the incredibly convenient possibility of sleeping in the same bed and holding him close all night long.

Routine changed from me studying to him studying, until the exam week approached and he was a mess of nerves, taking medicine and trying to rest while reading books until his eyes burned and I had to turn off the light for him to stop.

And as soon as exam week was over, a much bigger battle was waiting for us. I could see it in his eyes the day he went with his aunt to buy a suit, and feel it in his grip onto me at night when he listened to me talking.

Two days before the trial, a letter was in the mail. I didn't know if I would have thrown it away if I had found it, but it was Kihyun who did, and so he was met with the choice, holding the letter with the words he knew too well scribbled onto it in his hands. Father.

 ** _He's not my father anymore_** , he signed, and then he ripped it into pieces without even opening it.

I didn't like wearing black clothes, and so I didn't like wearing a black suit, but in court it was unavoidable. Kihyun's aunt fetched us up and drove us there. The others were there, too, and as weird as it felt seeing Jooheon all dressed up, it felt even weirder to stand in front of a row of judges and testify.

Kihyun and me had practiced a lot of times. It had helped us against our nervousness. I had always found it sad, hearing his beautiful voice trying to pronounce these horrible words, but the moment he stepped in front of the judges, hand curled around the edge of the table in front of him to stand securely, and opened his mouth, words flooding out of it like they had waited all his life to do so, I had been sure I had never heard something more beautiful, because it was him, and he had achieved what he had wanted.

Kihyun's father was sentenced to life imprisonment and an added ten years for all the things he had done. Kihyun looked at him one more time before turning around to leave the courtroom. I didn't.

And now we were sitting on this bench, between the convenience store and our dorm, dressed up in suits and trying not to get icecream on our shirts. Life really was strange, wasn't it?

**_Do you think he'll ever regret it?_ **

Kihyun had asked me that a few days ago, face half hidden in his pillow. I hadn't quite known what to respond, because I had wanted to say what he wanted to hear, but it wasn't as easy as that. "You want him to?"

He had nodded, staring at the collar of my shirt. **_Yeah. But ... I know he probably won't. And ... that's okay, I think. You cannot change people. Some people are bad people, and others are good people, right? It all works out like it's meant to be._**

I liked to think he and I were meant to be. In the way his body fitted against mine at night, or in the way I could hear his laugh even though it was silent.

"We weren't able to talk to the others earlier," I thought out loud. "I think there is quite some celebration about to go on."

Kihyun's aunt had dropped us off at the convenience store as she had had to go back to work, but not before congratulating us with teary eyes and hugging Kihyun close. Before the trial, we hadn't seen them either, as we had been a bit late after Kihyun had come back from the principal. Now, we had two things to celebrate: Kihyun's graduation and the outcome of the trial.

 ** _We have to pack later though_** , Kihyun signed, trying to gather the rest of the melting icecream on his spoon before placing the box on the bench. **_I know you won't get up early enough tomorrow_** , he added with a smile.

He was right; I was horrible getting up in the morning. Especially in the last few weeks, as I felt I still had some sleep to get back from all the months I had been so worried. But as school was starting again next week for all students, we would have to move out over the weekend - after only two weeks of being there together again.

It made me sad, but then, it was also a new beginning. It didn't mean I would ever forget the beautiful moments that had taken place there. It was a new start, a new start for both Kihyun and me. We would stay at his aunt's house - although my mom had offered her apartment too, but there just wasn't enough space for three people and they all understood Kihyun and me didn't want to be separated again - in the hopes of finding a small and affordable apartment until the beginning of October when university would start - I had already applied and Kihyun was about to do so, too.

"We?" I asked. "You mean, I have to pack later. There is no way I will let you carry any heavy boxes."

He pouted, and I laughed. Although he looked a lot better by now, and certainly not as pale anymore, he still had to take a ton of pills, and go to the doctor twice a week to make sure everything was healing the way it should be. I let him sleep until noon most of the days, until I had to wake him up for him to swallow his medicine and eat a bit. It was important he rested as much as possible.

 ** _We should go home_** , he signed with a slight smile, **_or else they're gonna eat the ramen without us._**

"Ramen?" I asked. "You think there'll be ramen?"

"Wonho," Kihyun whispered quietly.

"Oh." I nodded. "Sounds reasonable. He came home with this big bag yesterday. He wouldn't pass the opportunity to spend his money on cup ramen, would he?"

We both agreed he wouldn't.

We stood up, put our empty boxes into the bag, and began walking down the street towards the dorm. At least the sun wasn't at its highest point anymore, so without a jacket the heat was bearable. I reached out for Kihyun's jacket, taking it off his arm and laying it over my own. His eyes were grateful.

We had almost reached the second intersection, close to the dorm, when my phone began vibrating in my pocket. Pulling it out and looking at the display, I saw it was my mother who was calling. I picked up.

"Hey, mom," I answered with a smile.

"Ah, Changkyun," I could hear her voice from the other end of the line. "I just wanted to ask, do you want to come over for dinner tonight?"

My mother had also been at the trial, so I didn't have to explain to her what had happened. Lately, we had been talking a lot more than in all the years before, and so it wasn't uncommon of her to invite us for dinner. Especially since she had started going to psychotheraphy and made an effort not to be as protective over me anymore. It had actually been her that had proposed it after listening to me telling her about my own appointments that had already helped me a lot with my nightmares. It had surprised me, to say the least, but that hadn't stopped me from appreciating it.

"Tonight is a bit difficult," I answered, feeling Kihyun's eyes on me as we turned left. "We still have to pack. How about tomorrow or Sunday?"

We spent some time talking about it until we agreed on Sunday, as we would still be a bit stressed about moving tomorrow.

"Tell Kihyun my greetings," she said as we were about to hang up. "And have a nice evening, okay?"

"Thank you, mom. See you on Sunday, yeah?"

By the time we ended the phone call, we had already arrived at the dorm. Kihyun took my hand in his as I put my phone back into the pocket of my trousers.

 ** _Dinner on Sunday?_** , he signed and I nodded. He smiled.

I hadn't yet fully understood we wouldn't be living in the dorm anymore soon, but I still felt a sense of melancholy walking into the entrance hall. Mrs Kim was standing behind her desk like she always seemed to be, organizing papers into different folders. She looked up when she heard us walking towards her, and greeted us with a sincere smile and kind words. She seemed to be truly happy for us that Kihyun was back.

"I think your friends are waiting for you already," she laughed and pointed down the hallway. "I saw Wonho earlier with his hands full of bags and ... I don't even know what he was doing."

"Cup ramen probably," I responded, and she shook her head with a grin.

"Unbelievable." Then she seemed to remember something. "Oh, Kihyun! You got your results back this morning, right?"

Kihyun smiled and nodded. "Yes."

"Oh, dear, your voice is so beautiful," she couldn't hold back saying and then laughed. "Seeing how happy you look ... you passed?"

Kihyun grinned. "Top score."

"Oh God!" she exclaimed and immediately walked around the desk to embrace Kihyun. I could see him smiling. "That is so lovely! Congratulations!"

"Thank ... you." Often times, Kihyun was still uncomfortable speaking in front of strangers, but maybe it was Mrs Kim or the fact he had talked in court this morning - for the first time, he looked content with the way the words were leaving his mouth.

"Okay, okay! I don't want to hold you back anymore!" She smiled. "You have to celebrate. With ... cup ramen?"

We laughed. "See you later, Mrs Kim," I said and Kihyun waved at her as we left.

As soon as we stepped outside, I could already see the others lying around or sitting at the fountain. Minhyuk was the first one to spot us, and he immediately raised his hand and screamed: "Guys! Here!"

"You're literally the only people out here! I see you very well!" I screamed back, and he had to laugh. Jooheon, who was lying on the lawn next to the fountain, sat up a bit to wave at us, and everyone else turned around, too. We hadn't even fully reached them when Minhyuk was already sprinting towards us and embracing us with enough force to make us both tumble backwards.

"You were perfect!" he complimented us with a grin and then turned to Kihyun. "Especially you! I'm so proud of my babies!"

"They're both older than you," Hyunwoo disagreed from behind before quietly coming up and taking Kihyun out of Minhyuk's hold to hug him, too.

"Let me be affectionate, Hyunwoo, goddammit," Minhyuk playfully complained and hit Hyunwoo's back. "You're my baby, too."

"You're both disgusting," Hyungwon said. "And now let me give them a hug so I can lie down and take a nap."

"Where is Wonho?" I asked inbetween all of us, trying to look behind Hyungwon's impressive height, but Jooheon said: "He's still boiling the water."

I turned around in the same moment Kihyun did.

"Cup ramen," we sighed in unison.

Minhyuk cooed. "Your voices sound so good together though!"

We let ourselves be dragged towards the fountain, Kihyun continuously receiving compliments for his score, Minhyuk complaining how he should ever be able to top that next year, and Hyungwon destroying his illusions by saying he would never.

We talked a bit like this, about everything and nothing, about how we couldn't wait to take those suits off, and about if Wonho had possibly poured the water over himself instead of over the cup ramen, until we could hear some heavy steps from behind us. When we turned around, we saw Wonho running towards us, two big water heaters in his hands.

"Ramen!" he screamed and motioned for Hyungwon. "Hyungwon, ramen!"

Hyungwon jumped up and walked around the fountain and ... ah, so that was where all the ramen was stored. He pulled out an impressive amount of cup ramen of what I could only guess was a big bag, and put it on the stone surface, opening the little boxes quickly so Wonho could pour the water over the noodles.

"Kihyun!" Wonho then called out and Kihyun flinched. "Kihyun, hug!"

We had to laugh, and Kihyun obeyed, standing up and crossing the distance between him and Wonho so he could pull Kihyun into a hug.

"Jooheon!" we soon heard him scream again. "Jooheon-"

"I won't do anything!" Jooheon screamed back. "It's hot and I am tired!"

Wonho didn't let anyone irritate him. "Jooheon, get the hell up from that lawn! Your shirt will have stains!"

"Are you Seoyeon's long lost twin brother?"

Minhyuk shook his head. "For once she has to work and can't look after him, and here we go."

Jooheon stuck his tongue out at both of them and fell back onto the lawn with his white shirt. "I want ramen."

"Then come here and help me!"

"I am tired! Also, you have Hyungwon! He's tall! He has long arms and his fingers are probably long enough to carry two ramen cups in one hand, everything about him is lo--"

"Ewww, shut up!" Minhyuk and Wonho screamed at once.

"Inappropriate jokes before lunch," Hyunwoo said. "I'll miss this."

Minhyuk leaned closer towards him with a smirk. "I can make as many inappropriate jokes as you want, honey."

"Minhyuk, shut your mouth or I'll pour ramen over your head," Wonho threatened.

"Never said anything."

Kihyun was sitting between me and Minhyuk as Hyungwon walked around the fountain once again and handed us our cups and each a pair of chopsticks. Lately I had eaten so much of self-cooked food, from my mom or Kihyun's aunt, that I had almost forgotten how good greasy, unhealthy food could be. Oh, it was delicious.

"Hyunwoo and me can help you move out tomorrow," Minhyuk explained once Wonho and Hyungwon had also sat down with their meals. "We can try to share our precious energy between all of your rooms."

"No, thank you," Hyungwon mumbled between two bites of noodles.

"Hey!" Minhyuk sounded offended.

"You're just gonna look through my stuff."

Minhyuk pouted, and Hyunwoo defended him: "We just wanted to help, don't accuse him of something like this."

Minhyuk laid his hand reassuringly on Hyunwoo's arm. "He's right, I will probably look through his stuff."

Wonho choked on his ramen. "At least you're honest."

"We could need a bit of help," I admitted. "At least with the heavy boxes full of books I might need someone to help carry them."

"I can do that," Hyunwoo volunteered.

"Here, here, help these two!" Hyungwon proposed, happy to have found another victim for Minhyuk's intentions. "You can look through their stuff."

"What fun would that be?" Minhyuk made a sad face. "They are pure angels. I'll probably find poems and children's movies. You two, instead ..." He pointed at Hyungwon and Wonho. "That would be interesting."

"Wonho, we'll never invite them into our apartment," Hyungwon said and Wonho nodded. "Never."

"Oh, did you already rent one?" Jooheon asked, suddenly interested. "Seoyeon and me have an appointment next week to look at one in Seoul."

"Yeah, we're just waiting for the final confirmation." Wonho smiled. "It's really nice, and not too far from university. Since Hyungwon got accepted almost everywhere, we decided to move to Suwon. There's a really famous restaurant and I have an interview there next week." He hid his face in his hands.

"Hey, you're gonna do just fine," Jooheon reassured him. "They'll see how passionate you are about it."

Wonho nodded, smiling into his ramen. It hadn't been so long since he had decided he wanted to learn in a restaurant to become a chef one day, other than Hyungwon, who had known for a few months now that he would study Business Management. I was actually glad they wouldn't move too far away. Suwon was relatively close, after all.

"What about you?" Hyungwon asked. "Other than the apartment? Were you already accepted?"

Jooheon had decided to study music composition. It fit with Seoyeon's plans of majoring in computer design; they were both somewhat creative.

"I'm still waiting for my confirmation," Jooheon smiled. "Seoyeon said it'll work out, and even if it doesn't, she has a lot of universities she can go to, so we'll surely be able to work something out until autumn."

"You're also still waiting, right?" Hyungwon asked Kihyun and me and we both nodded.

"We should get a confirmation in one or two weeks," I explained. "And as soon as we've moved out of the dorm, we'll try to find an apartment."

"Yah, why are you all so organized?" Minhyuk complained loudly. "I don't even know what I want to wear tomorrow!"

"Oh," Wonho responded calmly, "It just comes with the need to do it. You can handle everything once it's thrown at you. You'll figure it out next year." He smiled and stood up, empty cup of ramen in his hand. "So, and now let me clean up this mess."

He went around, collecting the cups. When he took Kihyun's, I noticed Kihyun's hand was trembling the slightest bit, and I signed: **_Are you okay?_**

He hurried to nod, even though I could see him bite his lip. **_Just a bit nervous._**

Nervous, why nervous, I wanted to ask, but he had already stood up and followed Wonho, apparently to help him with the cups. I heard them moving behind us, Wonho muttering some words from time to time.

"I'm just glad it's all over now." Jooheon leaned back onto the lawn once again, now that he didn't have to balance a cup with hot water in it anymore. "I mean, we graduated more than a month ago, but I was still so nervous because of Kihyun's exams and the trial today. Now it feels like it's finally over."

"I'm sad," Minhyuk responded. "Is that selfish? I know you'll all leave now for university, and ... at the beginning I really hated it here and didn't want to stay, but now I don't want anything to change anymore."

"Hey, that's not selfish," Hyungwon reassured him. "That's normal. Everyone is scared of change. But we're all just an hour away and we can come by whenever. Change is always scary, but I guess life would be pretty boring if it always stayed the same."

"Wow, I am asking myself why you didn't study philosophy," Jooheon laughed and Hyungwon threw a few blades of grass in his direction.

"Are you two gonna get a room together for next year?" I asked, and Hyunwoo nodded.

"We already got that confirmed. I think Mrs Kim did help us a bit with that," he laughed. "I will certainly miss the way Jooheon always managed to make Minhyuk shut up when he stayed over and stood up before it was bright outside."

"Call me and I'll scream at him over the phone," Jooheon proposed with a grin.

"I might actually."

Minhyuk slapped him on the shoulder.

"Guys!" Wonho suddenly called from behind. "Hey, can you come over here? I need your help!"

"Why now?" Jooheon called back. "Can't we clean up later?"

"No!" Wonho sounded determined. "I want to get the trash upstairs and throw it away now! Hyungwon! Get your ass over here!"

Hyungwon apparently sensed he would have no other choice than to comply, and so he got up with a groan and walked over to Wonho and Kihyun.

They seemed to be discussing something for a bit while I talked with Hyunwoo, until Hyungwon came back and grabbed Jooheon's arm to pull him up. "Come on, we need help."

"What?" Jooheon didn't seem to understand. "You literally have seven empty cups over there. I suppose you have enough strength to carry them by yourselves?"

"No discussions in this garden," Hyungwon declared and pulled Jooheon onto his feet before pushing him towards where he wanted him to be.

I wasn't really following their conversation, but things became suspicious when Jooheon came back and said: "Ah, Minhyuk, Hyunwoo, Wonho said he needs your help with something upstairs real quick."

Minhyuk looked at Hyunwoo, me, and then back at Jooheon. "You want to kidnap us?"

Jooheon rolled his eyes. "Come on now, you were the one who offered help earlier."

Minhyuk squinted his eyes, but decided to go with it, apparently convinced by the begging expression on Jooheon's face that frightened me a little bit. Noticing I would be the only one left at the fountain, I asked: "Should I go with --?"

"No!" Jooheon immediately exclaimed. "No, no, no, you stay here. You stay right here. Put. Here." He grabbed Minhyuk's arm and pulled him away, Hyunwoo following quietly.

Now things were getting really strange. Thankfully, Kihyun came back the moment the others seemed to have all disappeared all of a sudden. He sat down next to me and just looked at me.

"What ... is going on?" I asked, looking behind me, but every trace of them was gone. "Did they just decide to spontaneously vanish or ...?"

Kihyun scratched the back of his head, eyes wide and looking at the ground. He seemed to be thinking about something, and so I just waited for him to answer, but instead of a sign or word he reached behind him and pulled out an object I knew just to well.

He gave it to me and I looked at it. It was one of the little boxes that stored the chocolate icecream we were always eating, but it felt empty, like there was no icecream inside. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked up, about to open it, but Kihyun stopped me.

"Wait," he whispered, and signed: **_I have to tell you something before you open it._**

Now I was the one who was getting nervous. I still wasn't used to situations in which Kihyun seemed serious and nervous at the same time, because usually it meant nothing good, and so I could already feel my palms starting to sweat.

 ** _It's nothing bad!_** , he hurried to sign as he noticed my expression, and I immediately relaxed a bit. **_It's just something I ... I have been wanting to tell you for a very long time, and I have never found the right words to do it._**

I could feel my heartbeat starting to quicken as he squeezed my hand once before pulling back to sign. The sun was still burning down on us, but now that everyone else had somehow disappeared, there was silence around us.

 ** _Honestly_** , he started, **_I don't know what I would have done without you. You know, when I came here and knew no one and was so afraid of my father and all that had happened ... I didn't expect to meet someone like you. And our first encounter ..._**

We both had to laugh, remembering how I'd been close to striking him dead with a lamp.

**_Our first encounter was a mess, and a lot of other things, too. I'm still sorry I didn't tell you I wasn't deaf from the beginning on. All the stuff that happened because of Doyoung, just because I was so afraid to tell you I liked you, and you still stayed by my side ... I wasn't used to having someone like you. And at first I thought being with you was what being with a friend felt like, but then, meeting everyone else, becoming a part of your group of friends, I realized it wasn't just that._ **

He took a deep breath, and smiled. **_I wish I knew when I fell in love with you. But I just did. At one point I noticed, but it had been there for a long time. I cursed myself for signing 'I love you' to you in the bathroom, because I was sure you were going to figure it out one day and hate me for it ... And especially after our fight I had given up every hope I'd be able to really tell you one day._**

 ** _Except you never gave up on me._** I saw the corners of his mouth twitch slightly. **_You told me not to be sorry for things someone else decides to do for me ... I'm still sorry you had to go through all of this just because of me, and I'll be for a long time, but more than all of that, I'm so happy. I'm so happy to have you._**

I could feel my hands starting to tremble.

 ** _I have no idea how I would have managed all of this without you._** He looked at me, smiling. **_I don't remember how it was being in that coma, but sometimes, when you say things, I knew you said them before to me when I was asleep, and I feel like I can at least recall a bit of it. I knew you were there. You were there every day even though you had no idea when or if I would wake up and ..._** He closed his eyes, blinking away the tears. **_And when I woke up, you were there for me just as much. I mean, you even helped me put on my clothes and hold a spoon and I know, I know it wasn't easy on you ..._**

**_I know it was as hard for you, if not harder, as for me. But you helped me with all of it. You helped me while you were still studying and ... the nurses told me, they told me how you waited in front of my room every night even though you yourself were hurt, and how you cried and ..._ **

I could see the tears running down his cheeks. **_I don't know how to ever give that back, but I know that there is no one I want to be with but you. There is no one in this world I could ever love more than you._**

"Don't cry," I whispered even though my own voice was laced with tears, wetness on my cheeks. "Hey, Ki, don't cry."

He shook his head, wiping away his tears, and pointed at the box. "Please ... open it." His voice was trembling.

I sniffed, willing the tears away, laughing at the thought of us sitting here and crying like this; but then I opened the box and all laughter was replaced with a new wave of emotions.

I saw Kihyun shifting beside me and teared my glance away from the box, watching him as he slipped off the fountain and kneeled down onto the lawn. I could feel my heart stopping inside of my chest. My hands were shaking so much I could barely hold the box in my lap.

"K-Kihyun ...," I whispered, blinking the tears away. "This ... this is ...?"

He smiled softly. "I ... kept it."

I looked down once more, my sight blurry but still taking in the little silver ring lying inside of the empty icecream box. It had a little crystal in the middle. It was the ring he had bought in the cinema in Seoul, when we had been hiding in there from the rain, on our little roadtrip in the autumn holidays all those months ago.

He signed when I looked up again.

 ** _Back then, I was already completely head over heels for you._** He smiled. **_I wasn't able to sleep lying next to you and when I saw it I had this weird idea of giving it to you one day. When we were home again, I thought about how stupid I was, but I still kept it. I never forgot it._**

I couldn't say anything. I felt like I was barely able to breathe, but in a good way, in a way that made me feel warm inside, more tears welling up in my eyes. The salty liquid burned.

I saw him nervously moving his fingers, trying to think of what to say. My mind was blank.

 ** _This ... if this is too much, you don't have to ..._** He bit on his lip. **_Everyone probably thinks we are too young to make a lot of promises, but we've seen how short all of it can be and so ... I'm completely sure that I want to spend my life with you._**

He laughed, eyes flickering between me, the box and the ground. **_Whatever that means - moving in together, eating together, sleeping in one bed, or listening to each other, and taking care of each other, or marrying if we can do that one day, or just ... being with each other._** He looked up at me.

"Loving ... each other," he said, voice unstable. "Getting older ... together. Would you ... want ... to do ... that with me?"

I was crying so hard I could barely speak, hands holding the box so tighly I was afraid it would break. I tried to wipe the tears away without looking away, because I wanted to keep looking at Kihyun, for a long time.

"Of course," I sobbed, moving forward so I fell onto the lawn too and could finally take his hands in mine. "Of course I want to!"

As Kihyun held me and we laid in each other arms, crying like stupid, I could hear some all too well-known voices cheering behind us, and I had to laugh.

"You told them to hide behind the staircase, didn't you?"

Kihyun grinned. "Yeah."

That evening, when we were packing the boxes in our room, I couldn't help but stare at the ring on my finger every time my hand came into my sight. I like the way it looked when light fell on it, because it was Kihyun's and I was his.

He was sitting on the bed, busy packing his books into cardboard boxes. The fairylights were all on, even though it was still relatively bright outside. We had put them back in their original places after Kihyun had been allowed to leave the hospital, and they were going to be the last thing we would take off tomorrow morning.

"I'll miss this room," I whispered as I placed a stack of shirts in another box on my mattress. "We have to take pictures tomorrow morning before leaving."

 ** _Didn't we already take pictures before we started packing?_** , Kihyun signed and I laughed.

"Uh, yeah," I admitted. "But I also want pictures of it being rather empty, just like when we first met." At his grin, I defended myself: "Hey, you know you have made me become a hopeless romantic."

He smiled affectionately and continued packing.

I was just done packing our clothes when my glance fell onto the lamp on his nightstand. I had never paid this much attention to it after our first encounter, but now that we would have to leave it behind, I felt melancholy in my chest.

"Isn't it weird I'll be missing a lamp?" I asked, sitting down next to him. "But then, if it hadn't been for this lamp, who knows what might have happened?"

Kihyun leaned forward and propped his chin on my shoulder, hands comfortingly running up and down my sides. "Don't ... be sad."

I smiled, turning around, my fingers signing my words. **_As long as you're coming with me, I'm content with leaving this lamp behind._**

Kihyun raised his eyebrows as if to say: _See?_

He brushed a strand of hair out of my face and pressed a kiss onto my lips.

 ** _We can always buy a new lamp_** , he signed, and my eyes followed his every movement, more beautiful than anything else would ever be; his eyes were warm and full of love as he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, because that was where I would be.

"I've already found my light."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you.
> 
> For all the continuous support this story received, for all of your comments, kudos, messages, and for reading it.  
> Every word you commented about my work brightened up my day. It was an honor for me to write this, as I love Changki and of course MonstaX in general as much as I love writing, which is a lot.  
> This was the first chaptered fanfiction I wrote in English, and other than improving my language, it helped me meet friends that have a place in heart.
> 
> I hope I was able to give you something through this story, whether it be emotions, laughters, smiles, tears or something entirely else, as all of these things are precious.
> 
> (I actually drew a fanart for this story, which you can find on my Instagram or on Wattpad. I've also edited a video for it when I first started writing it (yes, I had the plot figured out from the start, haha); unfortunately, I cannot post it on here so if you want to see it, please look at my Twitter, I have the same username on there ~  
> I will also post a few edits there that my dear friend Teo made. Thank you, my dear. Also, once again, thank you Martina for making that lovely fanfiction trailer! <3)
> 
> This surely won't be my last chaptered Changki fic. A fellow co-writer and me are actually already working on another one we will probably start uploading around autumn, as I'll be on vacation during the summer. If you want to keep up with me, please consider following me on Twitter <3
> 
> So, after all this time and still: Thank you. For reading, and just for being here. 
> 
> Love, Aki

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Have a nice day, my lovelies!  
> Much love, Akiko  
> Instagram: @akiko_chaan  
> Twitter: @Akiko_chaan  
> Tumblr: @akiko-chaan  
> Wattpad: @Akiko-chaan


End file.
